The One With The Millenium


Written by Kat.

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright,
Kaufman and Crane.


(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's. Chandler, Monica and Rachel are hanging out)

MON: And I'm telling you, Michael is having the best ideas for the New Year's Day party at the restaurant! I could leave him all alone, with no attention and he'd be great at it!

CHAN: Then why don't you?

MON: Cos it's fun! I forgot how much fun he was.

RACH: Well, that's great, Mon! I'm so glad somebody is gonna have a fun millennium.

MON: What's wrong?

RACH: Well, me and Ross still haven't talked properly, and, y'know, I'm just not in the mood for partying.

MON: Oh no! You have to be in the mood for a party! It's New Year's Eve tomorrow! The party's then!

CHAN: Monica, I'm sure it won't be ruined if Rachel doesn't come.

MON: Yes, it will! Rachel's part of the group! There'll only be 5 of us if Rachel doesn't come! Plus dates.

CHAN: Okay, so there'll only be 7. Big deal.

RACH: 7? Where did that come from?

CHAN: Well, Mon won't bring a date, she has me, so that's tw-

MON: I actually wanted to invite Michael.

CHAN: Yeah, but I'm counting for people I like. So, that's two, and Joey and his date, that's 4, Phoebe and her date, 6, and Ross.

RACH: Why wouldn't Ross have a date?

CHAN: Well, it might be because he still loves you, but it's just my gut instinct that he won't want a date.

MON: Since you're answering questions this morning, what's wrong with Michael?

CHAN: He hit on you. Remember?

MON: So?

CHAN: So, you're engaged to me and you're having my little girl.

MON: I wasn't then. We hadn't even been dating that long.

CHAN(struggling): Well, yeah, well, yeah. (long pause) So?

 

OPENING CREDITS

(Joey and Ross's apartment. Joey is watching Baywatch. It appears to be a special episode with all the females wearing silver millennium bikinis. Joey is intrigued. Ross is making a sandwich -sloppily- with a glum look on his face. Joey suddenly turns round, looks at Ross, and jumps up)

JOEY: What are you doing to that sandwich? That's not how you treat them! Give it here! (He snatches it) (to the sandwich) It's okay, buddy. You're in good hands now.

ROSS: Hey, why don't you marry it?

JOEY: No, I might say "I take thee bagel" instead of "I take thee sandwich". (he smiles, but Ross is not amused. In fact, he looks like he might cry) What's up, man? I was only kidding!

ROSS: Thinking about Emily makes me think about Rachel, y'know? I really miss her. I wanna talk to her, but I don't know how.

JOEY: Well, just call her and ask if she wants to talk! It's that simple.

ROSS: What about Monica's party?

JOEY: Well, you and Rachel will talk for, what, an hour, then you'll kiss and make up and there'll be plenty of time to go to Mon's party! Or, you could talk to Rach tonight, and because Monica's party is tomorrow, you can get the whole party. Unless you and Rach decide to go do it or something.

ROSS: I dunno. I promised Mon I'd be there.

JOEY: Well, you promised that you and Emily would be in love 'til death do us part, or whatever. Look what happened!

ROSS: Do you have to keep on about that? I feel terrible. At my absolute worst.

JOEY: Just call Rachel.

ROSS: Okay, okay. (he picks up the phone, and dials.) (Into phone) Hey, Monica. Is Rachel there? (pause) I know she doesn't live with you. (pause) Well, she could have been there. (pause) I don't care what you and Chandler were doing! (pause) Just tell her I called. (pause) Bye.

(He hangs up)

JOEY: Well?

ROSS: Nope. Not there.

JOEY: Maybe you should have tried her apartment.

ROSS: Whatever. (There's a silence for about 30 seconds)

JOEY: Are you gonna eat that sandwich?

(SCENE: A street. Chandler is walking, just approaching a restaurant called "La Belle", which is Monica's restaurant. He enters the restaurant, and walks upto a waiter)

CHAN: Hey. Is the head chef around?

WAITER: Monica? Sure, she's in the kitchen.

CHAN: Okay, can I go see her?

WAITER: Who are you?

CHAN: I'm her fiancé. (sarcastic) Do you have a special process for who can see the chefs, then? Did I pass?

WAITER(offended): Just go on through, smiley.

CHAN: I will!

(He walks into the kitchens, and sees Monica laughing. The view pans across to see Michael is with her. Chandler frowns. Michael touches Monica's arm lightly, and she smiles and says something that we don't hear. Chandler moves closer)

MICH: Well, if he's not taking care of you-

MON(joking): Maybe you should look after the baby when it's born! (she laughs, and we see Chandler is obviously upset.)

MICH: Maybe I should! (he touches her arm again, and she puts her hand on his)

MON: What about your girlfriend? How is she?

MICH: Pretty dumb, she'll never know if I'm living with another woman!

(Monica cracks up, and ruffles his hair, a little too flirty.)

MON: You are too funny!

(Chandler sighs, and walks out into the restaurant)

WAITER: Did you see your girlfriend?

CHAN: Yeah. Yeah, I saw her. I saw her real good.

WAITER: Okay. Bye.

CHAN: Whatever.

WAITER: Is this about before?

CHAN: What?

WAITER: Well, I think we left eachother in a bad place.

CHAN: Tell me about it.

WAITER: I just wanna say I'm sorry.

CHAN: Me too. I couldn't be more sorry.

(He leaves, and a waitress comes along)

WAITRESS: God, what's his problem?

WAITER: I dunno, he's a head case!

 

(SCENE: Central Perk. Joey is there alone, and he is counting aloud)

JOEY: 598...

(Phoebe enters)

PHOE: Hey!

JOEY: Hey! Look, I'm doing a project. Wanna help?

PHOE: Sure! What is it?

JOEY: Well, I'm counting the minutes to the millennium. I'm on 598. No, wait. (he waits a few seconds) 597.

PHOE: But it's 3 o'clock. That makes it 537 minutes, not 597.

JOEY: Are you kidding? I can't believe this! Chandler swore I was right when I started! I started on 1000, just like he said.

PHOE: At what time?

JOEY: Uh, 9am. 596.

PHOE: 536.

JOEY: Whatever! Man, I give up. Unless you help me.

PHOE: I can't. I'm totally opposed to counting. Especially counting backwards. I mean, that is the absolute worst. In fact, I can't even be near you! I have to go check my karma is still blue.

JOEY: Okay, Phoebs. Sorry.

PHOE: That's okay! Bye. (she looks at Joey carefully) Oh my god! You're karma is black! I can't see you- or talk to you- until that karma is sorted out! Bye! Ew!

JOEY(glum): Bye, Phoebe. (she leaves) 595. No wait. 535. No, 553! No! I've lost count!!

 

(SCENE: Monica and Chandler's. Rachel is there, and she has her head stuck in a closet)
(Chandler enters, slamming the door, and Rachel jumps hitting her head)

RACH: OW! (she pulls her head out) Hey! (Chandler responds by slamming his briefcase on the table) I was just looking for a magazine Mon borrowed, by the way. I thought maybe she left it in the closet.

(Chandler opens the fridge, gets out a bottle of beer, and slams the door hard)

RACH: Well, uh, you can read it before I take it back if you want. (Chandler doesn't respond. He just sits on the sofa) Chandler? What's the matter?

CHAN: Nothing.

RACH: Oh c'mon! You can tell me! I've known you for 6 years, okay? If there's anyone you can talk to, it's me. Unless you wanted to tell Monica, cos that's fair, I guess.

CHAN: I'm fine.

RACH: You've barely said two words since you got here. That's not like you!

CHAN: Actually, I said three words. Nothing, I'm and fine.

RACH: Well, something's bothering you. Tell me what it is.

(She sits next to him)

CHAN: Okay. Imagine you were going out with this guy, and things were really great, and you two were serious about each other.

RACH: I wish! I'm telling you, I haven't dated since-

CHAN: Anyway, imagine you go down to this guy's place of work, and you see him flirting with this gorgeous girl, so much that he didn't even notice you. And I mean proper flirting, too. Not just "Oh hey, sexy" kinda thing. Serious stuff. What would you do?

RACH: Well, I guess...Hang on. Is this about Monica? (Chandler sighs) This is about Monica? Oh my god! Who did you flirt with?

CHAN: Not me. I was just putting it in perspective for you.

RACH: So what happened?

CHAN: Monica was flirting with that stupid Michael guy. I knew he was bad news! And you know what, they were all touchy-feely too! He even made a joke about looking after Caitlin when she was born!

RACH: Oh, honey. Are you sure she wasn't just joking around?

CHAN: I dunno. I hope she was, but they just looked so close. Like boyfriend and girlfriend, even.

RACH: Well, I guess if I were you-

CHAN: That's more like it!

RACH: If I were you, I'd tell her. I mean, you're obviously upset, and it sounds like she was pretty out of order, so just talk to her.

CHAN: How can I? She'll think I was spying on her!

RACH: Why did you go down there? To the restaurant?

CHAN: I wanted to tell her that I'd be a little late to the party cos I had to pick something up.

RACH: Oh. What?

CHAN: I can't tell you. Sorry.

RACH: Tell me!

CHAN: I can't. It's secret. If I talk to Mon, maybe you'll find out later.

RACH: Oh, okay.

(Monica enters)

RACH: I better go. Good luck, sweetie. (she pats Chandler's knee, gets up and leaves)

MON: Okay. Hi, Rach. Bye Rach. Hey, Chandler! (no response) Chandler? Are you playing that game where you don't talk until I take my clothes off? Cos I just got in, and I'm tired.

CHAN: Oh, tired? I guess you've been doing sooo much work.

MON: I have.

CHAN: With Michael? For your party?

MON: Yes! I have! What's so bad about this?

CHAN: Oh, nothing. (sarcastic) Hey, why don't you write "Look after my baby" on the invitations. Oh no, no, no, Michael can do that!

MON: What are you talking about?

CHAN: I'm talking about this. (he mimics Monica, cracking up laughing. He ruffles Monica's hair, and puts on a girly voice) You are too funny, Michael! I love you, Michael! Marry me, Michael! (angry, adjusts to his normal voice, which cracks half way through the next sentence, like he might cry) Look after my little girl and dispose of my boyfriend, Michael!

(There's a stunned silence, and Monica looks stunned by Chandler's outburst)

MON: You came to the restaurant today?

CHAN: Yep. I did. And I'm glad. At least I can't be taken for a ride anymore.

MON: Chandler! You aren't being taken for a ride!

CHAN: Well, y'know, that's not what I saw. I'm gonna go out for a while. I can't stay here.

MON: Chandler, you don't have to go.

CHAN: Why, are you gonna?

MON: Chandler...

CHAN: Don't worry about me. Maybe you could call Michael. He can be your date for the party.

(He storms out, slamming the door.)

(Monica wipes a tear from her eye, and walks into her room)

(SCENE: Phoebe & Rachel's, next day. Rachel is there, and Phoebe is just coming out of her room)

PHOE: Hey, is Monica at her place?

RACH: Uh, yeah, I guess. Why?

PHOE: She has my tarot cards.

RACH: Tarot cards?

PHOE: Something about drawing round them. I better go get them. I have a reading soon.

RACH: I wouldn't if I were you.

PHOE: Do the reading? Why?

RACH: No! Don't go round there. I think Monica's in trouble with Chandler. In fact, I know she is. I heard their door slam last night. I haven't heard it open since.

PHOE: Is that what it was? I thought it was a small earthquake.

(Joey and Ross enter. Joey has a video)

JOEY: Hey!

ROSS: Hey. Uh, Rach?

RACH: Yeah?

ROSS: Can you come over later? We, uh, need to talk.

RACH: Yeah. Okay, sure. Is 6 okay?

ROSS: Fine. I gotta go now. Stuff to do. Places to be. People to meet. Bye.

ALL: Bye!

(Ross exits quickly)

JOEY: So, Phoebs-

PHOE: Keep away, you!

RACH: Phoebe!

PHOE: Rachel, you don't understand! He has the blackest karma!

RACH: Is that a bad thing?

PHOE: Yes! It's very bad!

RACH: Even though he was Santa for the kids at Christmas? Even though he took good will over money?

PHOE: Ooh, that's true. Ooh! It's going purple! And now it's dark blue! Back to normal!

JOEY: But your karma's nice blue!

PHOE: Yeah, but you're always going to be a little darker than the rest of us.

JOEY: Can I have a hug?

PHOE: Sure!

(They hug)

JOEY: Hey, where's Chandler? Is he next door cos I taped Baywatch for him?

(Phoebe and Rachel exchange looks)

JOEY: What?

RACH: We don't where Chandler is. Him and Mon had a fight, and he stormed out. I don't think he came back.

JOEY: I'll go see.

PHOE: Are you sure? Monica's probably gonna be upset.

JOEY: Well, I'll give her some Joey love.

PHOE/RACH: Joey!

JOEY: I mean the nice kind. The non-sexual kind. The friendly kind. I gotta go.

RACH: Good luck. Come back and tell us what happened. (Phoebe gives her a dirty look) What? I wanna know?

 

(SCENE: Monica and Chandler's. There's no-one in the main room, but there's a knock on the door, and Monica dashes out of her room. She's obviously been crying all night)

(She opens the door, and looks disappointed when she sees Joey)

MON(beat): Oh. Hey.

JOEY: Don't be too pleased to see me.

MON: I was hoping you were Chandler. I guess Rachel told you what she heard.

JOEY: Yeah, she did. Sorry. I just came to, uh, drop off Chandler's Baywatch tape. Here. (he gives it to Monica) I gotta go.

MON: Okay.

JOEY: Are you gonna be okay?

MON: Yeah. Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

JOEY: If you're sure. Bye, Mon. I hope you and Chandler make it up.

MON: Me too.

(He opens the door, and walks out as Chandler is walking in)

MON: Chandler!

CHAN: I'm not staying.

MON: What?

CHAN: I'm gonna stay with my mum for a while.

MON: Chandler, we have to talk about this! I'm not cheating on you, or whatever you think! It was innocent flirting.

CHAN: Monica, you really hurt me.

MON: I know. I'm so sorry, but me and Michael are friends. Just friends, nothing more, okay? I'm in love with you, not him.

CHAN: I love you too, but-

MON: But what?

CHAN: I dunno. I just...I'm sorry, Mon.

MON: For what?

CHAN: For over-reacting about it. I should have trusted you.

MON: Yeah, you should've. (she smiles)

CHAN: So we're cool, right?

MON: Right. And Michael isn't coming tonight. I'll call him and cancel.

CHAN: No. Don't. He should come. I want him to know you're in a stable relationship.

MON: Did I ever tell you I love you?

CHAN: Not in the last 2 minutes.

MON: Well, I do.

CHAN: And I love you. More.

MON: If you say so. (she smiles, and they hug and kiss)

 

(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's, later that night. Monica, Rachel & Phoebe are talking)

RACH: So, did you two make up?

MON: Uh huh. I guess we were both out of line, but we settled it.

PHOE: That's so cool how you guys found eachother. Y'know, you were both desperate and all, but you made it last.

RACH: So, uh, Mon, are you gonna start cooking for the party?

MON: Well, first of all, yep. Second of all, it's not a party. It's just a few of us gathering.

RACH: I don't even have a date! I can't believe this!

PHOE: I do. Jack.

MON: Again? Isn't this like the 5th time you two have been out together?

PHOE: Uh huh. But the thing is, his karma is white. He's an angel!

RACH: Isn't that a good thing?

PHOE: Well, yeah, but it's like dating a shy schoolboy. But the sex is great!

RACH(jumping up): Oh my god! I have to go to Ross's. I promised!

MON: Don't be late for the dinner! It starts at 8.

RACH: What time is it?

MON: Half six.

RACH: Oh god! (she grabs Monica's jacket and puts it on)

MON: Rach, that's my jacket.

RACH(fake surprised): Oh yeah. So it is. How'd that get there?

PHOE: You put it on.

RACH: Oh. I gotta go. Bye.

(She rushes off, still wearing Monica's coat)

MON: Man! She always takes my stuff! Even when she's not living here she still does it!

PHOE: I'll get it.

(The phone rings)

PHOE: Cool.

(Monica looks weirded out)

MON(answering phone): Hello? (pause) Oh, hey Ross! (pause) She just left. (pause) Okay. And don't be late for dinner! (pause) At 8. Tell Jo to bring a date. Never mind, that's a given. (pause) Bye.

(She hangs up)

MON: That was Ross.

PHOE: In a minute! I'm watching Ren and Stimpy.

MON: Okay. Anyway, he called about Rach. Can you turn the TV down?

PHOE: Pasta? Sounds good.

MON: What?

PHOE: What?

MON: You just said, "Pasta? Sounds good."

PHOE: Yeah, cos you asked me what I thought of you doing pasta for dinner.

MON: No I didn't. I was gonna, but I didn't.

PHOE: Cool. My psychic vibe is so strong today! (to TV) Don't go there Stimpy! You'll run into the wall! (the TV shows Stimpy running into a wall)

MON: I wish I could do that.

PHOE: No, you're not cool enough.

 

(SCENE: Ross & Joey's. Ross is alone. There is a tap at the door, and he opens it, revealing Rachel)

RACH(lightly): Hey.

ROSS: Hi. C'mon in. (she does so, and sits down on the sofa)

RACH: You wanted me to come over?

ROSS: I think we have to talk. I want you to tell me how you feel about us. Everything. From day one, six years ago.

RACH: You really wanna know?

ROSS: Yes.

RACH: Okay. At first I thought you were sweet, but nothing happened. Then we got together, and I was so happy, y'know? For the first time in a while. Then, everything went wrong when I got my job and met Mark.

ROSS: Mark. Hm.

RACH: See? You still don't like him!

ROSS: Would you if you were in my place?

RACH: No, I guess not. (he smiles happily) Anyway, I started getting busy. You know that. Then we had that stupid fight, and I felt so bad. Until I found out about you and that tart at the copy place. It killed me, Ross.

ROSS: I know.

RACH: No, you don't know! You can't understand until you've been there! You broke my heart, literally. I loved you, and you threw it away in one lousy night with her. Did you even know her name? Do you even know now?

ROSS(quiet): Yeah.

RACH: It was a rhetorical question! Then we got together again and broke up, and I guess I hated you for a while, but that phased out, y'know? Then Emily came along. And you fell in love with her. And I was the one that introduced you to her! I saw you falling for her, and I wished that I hadn't gone that stupid club opening with Joshua. Then you got engaged, and arranged the wedding. I went to England. To tell you I loved you.

ROSS: What? You were gonna tell me you loved me?

RACH: Yeah. Then you said my name at the altar, and I wanted to talk to you, but Monica said I shouldn't, and she was right. I was upset when you guys broke up, for your sake, but inside I was relieved. I dunno.

ROSS: And now?

RACH: I...

ROSS: You what?

RACH(quietly): I still love you.

ROSS: You love me?

RACH: Yeah. I do.

ROSS: I love you too, Rach.

RACH: What do we do now?

ROSS: Well, I can think of something... (he kisses her, and she is surprised, but doesn't pull away. Instead she kisses him back. On that, we go to the next scene)

 

(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's. The place is decorated in silver balloons and a "Happy Millennium" banner, which is also silver. Chandler is on a stepladder putting up balloons, and Monica is getting stuff out of the fridge. There is a huge spread of food on the table, and on the coffee table. There are various bottles of alcohol on the table too)

CHAN(to balloons): You're going up there. I don't care how high I have to climb, you're gonna be hung from the ceiling!

MON: Would you be careful? Just leave them.

CHAN: But if I don't put them up then it'll be the only corner of the room without two silver balloons hung up!

MON(softly): C'mere.

(Chandler climbs halfway down the ladder, and they kiss)

(Phoebe and Joey enter)

PHOE: Hey! It's Romeo and Juliet! (Chandler and Monica look at her) Without all the poison and tragedy.

JOEY: This place looks great!

MON: Yeah, too bad Rachel didn't show up and help, or it would've looked better.

PHOE: Where is Rachel?

CHAN: Maybe she went to talk to Ross.

PHOE: Oh yeah! He said he wanted to talk to her! Duh Phoebe.

MON: I wonder if they're okay.

PHOE: I wonder if they're doing it yet.

MON: Phoebs!

PHOE: What? They could be!

CHAN: What time is it?

JOEY: Uh, (looks at watch) 10:30. Must be eating time!

MON: Jo! Not yet!

JOEY: Aw, c'mon!

MON: Oh, alright. But don't eat too much at once.

(Joey turns around from the table with his mouth stuffed with food)

JOEY(mouth full): Okay.

(Monica rolls her eyes)

PHOE: Can I turn on the TV? I wanna see Times Square.

MON: Sure, go ahead.

(Phoebe flicks on the TV)

PHOE: Oh my god!

ALL: What?

PHOE: That guy's hair is totally like Frank's!

CHAN: Not really. I mean, if you tilt your head.

PHOE: Well, my head has a natural tilt so...

JOEY(from table): Oh my god!

(The gang turn around to look at him)

ALL: What?

JOEY: We're out of Cheetos!

 

(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's, later. Monica is asleep on Chandler's lap, Joey is eating a huge pack of Cheetos, while watching TV with Phoebe and Chandler.)

JOEY(loud): These Cheetos are great!

CHAN(whispering): Shh! Mon's asleep.

(Monica stirs and opens her eyes)

MON: Hm?

JOEY: Oh well done, Chandler! You woke up Monica!

MON(tired): Are Ross and Rachel here yet?

PHOE: No, but it's 11:50, so they better hurry up! I can't believe how much more fun this millennium has been that the last one!

CHAN: What?

PHOE: Well, last millennium eve I was sitting on a rock. At least this place has heating.

(Ross and Rachel enter)

(Monica jumps up, and Chandler steadies her from falling)

CHAN: Woah. Watch it, honey.

(Monica runs over to them)

MON: Where have you been?

ROSS(smiling): Oh, y'know...

PHOE: No, she doesn't. That's why she asked.

RACH: We were at Ross's.

CHAN: What were you doing there? (off Ross's happy glance, in disbelief) Nooo!

ROSS: Yep.

JOEY: You were watching that porn tape weren't you? (he smiles knowingly)

RACH: Uh, no. We, uh, we've decided to give us another go.

MON: That's great! That's so cool! Cos now it'll be like you and Ross, and me and Chandler!

CHAN: It'll be Phoebe and Jo next.

PHOE: Ew!

JOEY(to Phoebe): How you doin?

(Phoebe frowns, then giggles)

MON: Oh my god!

ROSS: What?

MON: One minute until the year 2000!

RACH: Are you kidding?

CHAN: No! She's right! Look at the clock!

PHOE: Why don't we all have a minute's silence?

JOEY: Why?

PHOE: I dunno. Just a suggestion.

CHAN: Hey, you know what? Monica can say she was pregnant for two years!

RACH: That's funny, sweetie. Now, just don't say anything else like that.

PHOE: Ooh! Like, uh, I'm going to the bathroom. See ya next year!

ROSS: I just can't believe I'm seeing in the millennium with you, Rach. (they kiss)

JOEY: Y'know, that seems really weird. I mean, I'm so used to Chandler and Monica being in love and all, but not you two anymore!

MON: I'm gonna have to agree with ya there!

CHAN: 30 seconds until the millennium!

ROSS: Let's all countdown!

JOEY(matter-of-factly): Why are you such a geek?

CHAN: Let's just wait 'til we get to 10 seconds, okay?

PHOE: Okay, here we go!

ALL: 10...9...8...7...6...5...4-

MON: Ow!

CHAN: What? What?

MON: The baby kicked!

CHAN: Really? Let me feel! (he does so) Wow!

PHOE: Well, that ruined the countdown! Ooh! Happy New Year!

ALL: Happy New Year!

(Rachel and Ross kiss, Chandler and Monica kiss and Joey and Phoebe peck each other on the cheek)

JOEY: I love New Year's!

RACH: Me too. Y'know, it's a new start, a new leaf...

JOEY: No, I just mean that I know I'll get a kiss!

(END SCENE: Central Perk. The whole gang are hanging out. Ross and Rachel are sitting together on the sofa, and so are Chandler and Monica. It's very squashed)

RACH: Can't you guys move?

MON: Why should we? I'm the pregnant one!

RACH: But Chandler isn't! Get up!

CHAN: No! I'm not leaving Mon! Ross, you get up!

ROSS: No, I'm sitting with Rachel!

(Chandler pushes Ross off, and he tries to get back on the sofa, but he can't fit, so he sulkily sits on the chair next to it)

RACH: I'm getting a coffee. Back in a sec.

(She gets up, and Ross dives onto her seat before realising that he still isn't next to Rachel. She comes back and glares at him)

ROSS: Just keeping your seat warm, honey. (he smiles and gets up for her)

 

THE END