The One Without The Water Fight, Part II of II
Written by Tina Nellis
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch on his own, drinking coffee, when he sees someone (us), puts down his coffee and starts explaining what happened before.]
Chandler: Alright. You'd better be taking notes for this, because there is so much to tell you that at the end of it all, you'll be feeling like you've just come out of a 4 hour long college lecture. See, Ross had to stay at Monica and Rachel's apartment because his apartment building was being fumigated.
[cut to a montage of scenes involving Ross and Rachel]
Chandler: [voice over] But this just happened to be at the exact same time that the pipes on our floor were being fixed. Anyway, what happened was that the pipes went completely, trapping Ross and Rachel in the apartment. A couple of hours later, they got into this huge water fight, don't ask me how or why, because I don't know, and then they ended up kissing.
[cut back to Chandler]
Chandler: Talk about the United Nations reaching a peace agreement on nuclear weapons! Anyway, I have to get back to the terminal hell that is work. [gets up and starts to walk towards the door, but then comes back] Oh, and a word of warning. If this turns out the way I think it might, then you'll want to emmigrate to Pluto!
[Scene: The same as at the end of Part 1, ie. we're still in the girls' aprtment, and Ross and Rachel are sitll kissing. They're beginning to get pretty stuck in there (for want of a better expression) when water comes shooting out of the top of the faucet again, startling them both. They let go of each other, back off a bit and look at each other.]
Rachel: [softly] Um...
Ross: I should go. [heads for the door, with Rachel following him]
Rachel: [concerned] But what about...
Ross: Don't worry.
[He opens the door to find that the hallway has been cleared. They both look at it for a second.]
Ross: [attempting to make a joke to ease the atmosphere] After all, it's a dangerous journey from here to the coffeehouse.
[They look at each other again]
Ross: So... I'll see you later.
[He leaves, and Rachel stands looking dejected for a moment. Suddenly we hear a crash, as if someone was falling down the stairs. Rachel quickly runs to the door and peers around it.]
Ross: [out of sight, from stairs] I'm okay!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is explaining to Chandler and Joey what happened.]
Ross: ...And then... I kissed her.
[Chandler and Joey, who were both drinking coffee, spit out their drinks in shock.]
Chandler: [unable to understand this entire thing] You did WHAT?!
Joey: He kissed her. [beat] And you call me stupid!
Chandler: [to Ross, ignoring Joey's comment] You kissed her?!
Ross: Okay, so now we've established that I kissed Rachel.
Chandler: Alright, so now we have to figure out what to do about...
Ross: Woah! Who said anything about "we"?
Joey: You need our advice!
Ross: Yeah, but after the letter fiasco, I've come to the
conclusion never to take advice from you two again!
[Scene: The girls' apartment, where Rachel is telling Monica, who is sitting on the couch, her version of events.]
Rachel: And then he kissed me! I'm telling you Mon, it was so romantic! I mean, first he...
Monica: Okay, I get the picture!
Rachel: Well, it was unbelieveable!
Monica: Yeah, okay, we've confirmed that it was
unbelieveable, but how did you end up kissing in the first
Rachel: Well, it just kind of happened...
Monica: [looks around and sees the waterlogged floor] WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY KITCHEN?!
Rachel: [finishing her sentence] ...while we were having a water fight. [avoiding Monica's question] It's great, isn't it?
Monica: My floor looking like it could become one of the
Great Lakes is not great!
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting down when Phoebe enters in a huff.]
Joey: Hey, Pheebs. Did you hear about Ross and Rachel?
Phoebe: No, and I don't particularly care.
Joey: [noticing that something's wrong] Pheebs, what's up?
Phoebe: Oh, nothing, if you consider the fact that my boss tried to hit on me a good thing!
Joey: Your boss made a pass at you?
Phoebe: You can say it whatever way you want, it all adds up to the same thing.
Joey: Aw, Pheebs, I'm sorry. So, anyway, how could you tell that he wanted to, um... [looking for the right expression] send the Little General in?
Phoebe: [not understanding the nickname] The Little what?
Joey: Um... you know... [Phoebe remains clueless, and Joey notices the look on her face that indicates this] ...you don't know.
Phoebe: No, I don't.
Joey: [puts it another way] How did you figure out that he wanted to sleep with you?
Phoebe: Well, I'd consider the fact that he made sure we were alone in the office and then proceeded to try and get on top of me a bit of a clue.
Joey: So what happened?
Phoebe: Well, I started screaming, as you would, and then he tried to fire me because I wouldn't, um, let him, um... well, you know.
Joey: What? Pheebs, that's horrible!
Phoebe: Yeah, well, it's not that horrible, because I quit before he had the chance to fire me properly.
Joey: Right. Well... for the sake of arugument, you understand... if you hadn't been working for him... would you have let the Little General in?
[Phoebe turns and gives him a look from hell.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is there watching Baywatch, *again*. Ross enters, but Chandler is totally oblivious to this, and has his eyes fixed on the screen.]
Chandler: Run, Yasmine, run!
Ross: [waves a hand in front of Chandler's face] Chandler, come back to the real world. They're not real.
Chandler: How can you say that those beautiful women are not real?
Ross: Actually, I was referring to their breasts.
Chandler: Wha... Alright, you got me there. So... have you decided what you're gonna do?
Ross: [in outer space] ...About what?
Chandler: About the aliens that invaded the planet last night, à la Independence Day! [seriously] About Rachel.
Ross: [sits down] I don't know. If you were me...
Chandler: Oh God, no! Don't go there! I don't know what I'd do if I was you. [thinks, then] Actually, I don't know what God would do if he was you!
Ross: [sarcasm] Thanks for the consolation.
Chandler: Seriously though, I really don't know what I'd do. I mean, your relationship with Rachel has been up and down more times than a yo-yo. [beat] Or a bungee jumper's lunch. [beat] Or a hooker's knickers. [beat] Or...
Ross: Okay, Chandler, I got it!
[Cut to Central Perk, where Phoebe is listening to Rachel freak out as reality sets in.]
Rachel: [quickly, all hyper, and generally freaking out] What if it doesn't work out? Could I really put myself through all that hell again? I mean, I think he still loves me, and God knows I love him, but for some reason I still can't forgive him for what he did! I know that the letter I wrote him was a bit over the top... alright, it was a lot over the top, but I only did it because I love him! What do you think, Pheebs? [Phoebe just sits there, staring into space, like her brain has been overloaded] Pheebs? [waves a hand in front of her face] Hello? Phoebe? Come back to us!
Phoebe: [confused] Oh, yeah! Um... I definitely think that the white would go better with that shade of pink!
Rachel: Pheebs? Are you okay? You were practically comatose for a minute there!
Phoebe: Oh... yeah. I know. That's one of my gifts.
[Scene: The girls' apartment, which has now been cleared up. Monica and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: Did you hear about what happened to Phoebe?
Monica: Joey, I haven't seen her all day. How can I possibly know what happened to her?
Joey: Well, you know her boss kept making her do all that stuff?
Joey: Well, he was only doing it so as he could get her in his office and... try and send the Little General in!
Monica: [disgusted] You're kidding! Where is she?
Joey: Down at the coffeehouse.
Monica: I'm gonna go talk to her.
[At that moment, the door opens and Phoebe runs in.]
Phoebe: [out of breath] Lobsters...
Joey: Oh, God, she's not going to start on that trip again, is she?
Phoebe: [still out of breath] [taking a deep breath after each word] Rachel... wants... to...
Monica: Wants to what? [to Joey] Get a drink of something.
Joey: What should I get?
Monica: I don't care what you get as long as it's a drink!
[Joey goes to the refrigerator, opens it, and gets a bottle of mineral water. He walks back over and hands it to Phoebe, who drinks about half the bottle in about three gulps.]
Phoebe: [finally managing to get the words out] Rachel wants to get back together with Ross!
Monica: Oh my God! When did you find this out?
Phoebe: Just now! Rachel told me when we were down at the coffeehouse! [changing the subject] Ew, did I just drink mineral water?
Phoebe: Well, don't you know what they put in this? They put all sorts of chemicals in there so that they can control your brain!
Monica: Who's they?
Phoebe: The aliens!
[Scene: Central Perk. It's closing time, so only Rachel and Gunther are there.]
Gunther: Rachel, we're locking up now.
Rachel: What? Oh, right.
[She starts to get up when Ross enters]
Gunther: Um, Ross, we're closing.
[Rachel turns around and sees Ross]
Rachel: Gunther... would you mind if I locked up?
Gunther: Oh, sure. [hands her the keys] [in a strange voice] Don't do anything I wouldn't do. [exits, leaving Ross and Rachel alone. (Yes, I know we've been here before, but bear with me! :þ)]
Ross: [after Gunther has left] I swear to God, I do not want to know what is going on in that man's head. [goes to the couch and sits down next to Rachel]
Rachel: Ross, what are we going to do? I mean, we can't carry on like this, getting together and then splitting up all the time.
Ross: I agree. We should either work things out or just stay apart.
Rachel: Okay. Let's start with what you did.
Ross: [bitterly] Which, according to that letter you wrote, is everything!
Rachel: Alright, do you want to know why I wrote that letter?
[Both are starting to get angry]
Ross: Because you think you're perfect and I'm not?
Rachel: I never said that!
Ross: Well, it sure as hell seemed like it!
Rachel: Hey, wait! A minute ago, you were all for working things out!
Ross: Well, what did I know? [gets up and starts to leave]
Rachel: [now almost in tears] Yeah, well, before you go, work this out. [Ross stops and stands at the door.] I know that letter was over the top, but the only reason I wrote the damn thing in the first place was because I still love you, and nothing you can do or say will ever change that. But I guess you don't love me anymore, and to be honest, I wouldn't blame you after everything I've done to you. I was stupid to think that that kiss was anything more than a reaction.
[She looks down and starts to cry. Ross looks at her lovingly for a moment, then walks around the couch, sits down next to her, lifts her face to his and kisses her softly. Rachel looks at him for a moment, still crying.]
Ross: How could you ever think that's all it was?
[Rachel's still crying, but she now has a small smile on her face.]
Rachel: You mean...?
Ross: Yeah. [wipes a tear away from her face, and looks into her eyes] I wanna work things out. I can't stand not being with you every day. [beat] I love you Rach.
[They smile at each other, and kiss again.]
[Scene: The office of Phoebe's ex-boss. Joey storms in, ready for a confrontation. The chair is turned around so that neither we or Joey can see who's sitting in it.]
Joey: Alright, Mr Big Shot, listen up! Nobody treats my friend like a hooker and gets away with it! Now, if you don't...
[The chair turns around, and a pretty woman is sitting in it. Joey suddenly looks embarrased and guilty.]
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking for the last boss. See, he...
Woman: I know. He was fired for sexual harassment. I'm the new boss.
Joey: Oh. So... [looking for a come-on line] have you ever been out with a little general?
[The woman looks at him, obviously confused by this attempt at a pick-up.]
Go to part I
Copyright © 1998 Tina Nellis