The One With the Worst Dates Ever

Written by: Anne Pascal

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

As always, this is entirely inspired by real life.

Season 7 - The Wedding approaches. It does follow from three others I've written but if you haven't read them it doesn't much matter - not a lot of plot to follow here.

Story so far:- Rachel is expecting twins through a surrogacy arrangement for Chandler and Monica which turns out to be a hospital error and Monica is now pregnant with quintuplets (bet you're glad you didn't read all that).

Central Perk - All present. Rachel and Monica are just beginning to show.

MONICA: Well you're not having a stripper!

CHANDLER: Not even a little one!

MONICA: No. I'm not having you ogling a naked woman with a flat tummy. And anyway seeing strippers is what you do when you break up with some one - you know - phase 2.

CHANDLER: But this is phase 2 - I'm breaking up with all women. I'll never be with another woman.

MONICA: So who am I - Marcel?

CHANDLER: But from next week you won't be a woman. You'll be my wife.

ROSS: I think I'd stop now if I were you Chandler - the hole will just get deeper.

JOEY: Well I'm booking a stripper. A tradition is a tradition.

MONICA: Ok then we're going to have a stripper too.

JOEY: Cool - can you tell us when we can come across?

RACHEL: A male stripper.

CHANDLER: You're not looking at a male stripper!

MONICA: Afraid of what I might see?

CHANDLER: Afraid of what you might do.

JOEY: Nah - they wouldn't dare.

MONICA: Just you see. Our girls' night will be much more fun than your bachelor night.

RACHEL: Does that mean we won't be needing pencils at this party?

JOEY: No just grapes Rachel.




Party at the Chandler and Monica's now in progress. Quite crowded - includes all three girls, Carol and Susan plus some of Monica's female work colleagues.

MONICA: Oh Phoebe I'm not so sure about this couldn't we have just pretended to get a stripper?

PHOEBE: Stop getting all Monicaish. I've checked this guy out thoroughly - he's a client and he's an absolute hunk.

SUSAN: So are we really getting a male stripper?

MONICA: Oh God I forgot. He's not going to do a lot for you really is he? Perhaps you two should go over to Joey's and see the female stripper.

SUSAN: No - that would be weird. I mean would you want to be there while Chandler was looking at another woman?

MONICA: No - I see your point. And I'm still not sure - Phoebe do you think he would mind if we had a talk before he does his stuff. You know get to know him, see if he's a nice guy, if we have anything in common, that sort of thing.

PHOEBE: He's here to show us his goods not form a lasting relationship!

RACHEL: Does he go all the way - I mean do we have to see everything? Even the hairy bits…

MONICA: Perhaps we could get him to keep his boxers on.

PHOEBE: Monica - this is your girls night. You will be stuck with Chandler the rest of your life. The stripper will not be wearing boxers - just a smile and we have to whoop.

RACHEL: Why do we have to whoop?

PHOEBE: Because that's what girls do at a girls' party. That and sing "I will survive".

SUSAN: It's not what we do.

CAROL: Just so long as he doesn't start…ya know.. waving it around. It will remind me too much of a guy I once slept with.

MONICA: But you only ever slept with Ross.

RACHEL: You too? ….Yeah I think we all need to get drunk. How much wine did you get Pheebs?

PHOEBE: Enough for three bottles each. But not for you two. You are allowed two glasses - any more is bad for the babies.

RACHEL: Well that hardly seems fair. The matron of honor and the bride don't get to get legless on the girls' night. That's hardly traditional!

PHOEBE: Nor is it traditional for both the bride, her matron of honor and half of New York, to be pregnant by the groom.



Joey's: Chandler, Joey and Ross. We can hear the girls party now really lively in the background. Girls singing "I will survive" drunkenly. The guys are drinking beer from bottles but look down.


CHANDLER: So that's it. My bachelor night the stripper cancels because her son has chicken pox, all my friends leave by 11 for an early start at work tomorrow and I feel guilty if I get drunk because Monica and Rachel can't. How sad is this?

ROSS: Well we could always go to a club.

CHANDLER: No - I'm beat. I think this fatherhood thing is tiring me out already.

ROSS: You haven't done anything yet!

CHANDLER: I'd like to see you father 7 children and then say you're not tired.

JOEY: Too bad that the girls seem to be having such a good time.

CHANDLER: It certainly doesn't sound like one of Monica's parties.


STRIPPER: The girls said I could get changed for my act over here.

JOEY: Don't you just take your clothes off?


The girls' party. .

STRIPPER: (raunchy suggestive voice) So is there a Miss Geller here?

MONICA: (Still nervous) Thank you so much for coming . Did you have a good journey here? The traffic's not usually too bad at this time of night…. Would you like a coffee… (he starts to gyrate) Oh my - Chandler didn't teach you to dance then? There is a hook behind the door if you would like to put your clothes on that as you …(he tosses his jacket onto the floor) or just throw them anywhere on the floor. So you do have something in common with Chandler then?




JOEY: I know what will cheer us up. Chandler come on man - of all the disastrous dates you've been on what was the very worst?

CHANDLER: I don't see how this will cheer me up. And I don't think I want to give either of you any more ammunition for your speeches.

ROSS: You ever told Joey about Tina Malloi.

CHANDLER: (going very pale) You know about Tina Malloi!

ROSS: Tina has star billing in my speech so you might as well tell Joey your version and I'll see if it fits with the version that Tina told the rest of the School.

CHANDLER: She told the whole school! OK OK. I was nineteen - a virgin and absolutely desperate. I was done with the nice girls and trying my luck with the easy girls. And Tina…

ROSS: Had already slept her way through the entire college.

CHANDLER: We were at this lunch party thing and she did her usual dance routine and I just got lucky and found myself on the other side of it. So I took her home and we started fooling around. But for some reason I thought that you had to blow condoms up before you put them on.

JOEY: You thought you had to blow them up!

ROSS: That's what he had done with all his previous girlfriends…

CHANDLER: Well you know the guys at college were always blowing them up so I figured that to get something that small and fiddly onto it you had to blow it up first. But of course there was nothing to get a grip on so the thing flew whizzing and farting around the room.

JOEY: Oh my God!

CHANDLER: But it was the only one I had. Tina was on the bed wearing nothing but a smile and the only condom I had was whizzing around the room - so I had to whizz after it.

ROSS: Naked.

CHANDLER: I had pulled my boxers up.

ROSS: Well I heard you were naked.

CHANDLER: But it got worse. It was a hot day and the window was open so it whizzed right out the window and I had to clamber after it. My mother and her agent were on the porch drinking cocktails when I dropped in on them.


Flashback scene: House porch. Chandler's mum and sophisticated lady sipping drinks. Chandler as 19 year old in nothing but boxers jumps down from window above.

CHANDLER'S MUM: Chandler dear are you having problems?

CHANDLER: I was looking for something that may have… flown this way.

THE AGENT: (fishing something from her drink). Is this what you're looking for?

CHANDLER: (excited) Yeah - that's it. (shaking the drink off it) Thanks Mrs Brownlow.

CHANDLER'S MUM: Well dear you can't use it like that. I don't know - kids today! Jenny dear I think you may need another drink. Would you excuse me why I go and sort my son out. He seems to be having a few problems entertaining his friend.


Back to present day at Joey's.

CHANDLER: So my mum gave me her supply. The novelty assortment. I first did it with Donald Duck leading the forward charge. Strangely enough I didn't go out with Tina again.

JOEY: Can't think why.

CHANDLER: When I came home from college the following day my Mum had arranged a tutor for me. And I don't mean for maths. Boy was she classy. The most my mother's ever spent on me.

JOEY: Your Mum is so cool.

ROSS: The man my sister is marrying did it with a prostitute?

CHANDLER: She was a present from my Mum! Just a shame I still only had the novelty assortment. We went through Pluto, Mickey Mouse and Daisy Duck that evening. I still can't watch those cartoons without getting hot.

JOEY: So during all the time you were chasing around the room and jumping over the balcony Tina stayed put long enough for you to go back and complete the transaction.

ROSS: Oh Tina was unable to walk.

JOEY: He tied her up?

ROSS: Oh no - she was laughing so much that she was physically unable to walk.

CHANDLER: Well it taught me one thing. You may not be able to laugh women into bed but it can at least make them stay put.

JOEY: So come on - is that the worst?

ROSS: Could it get worse?

CHANDLER: Oh no - there have been worse. But if neither of you know about them… So your turn Ross. What was your worst date?

ROSS: Well the first time with Julie was good but kinda embarrassing too.

JOEY: Really?

ROSS: Well I had only ever done it with Carole - and Carole was a lesbian. So there were things that I thought were normal… that it turned out weren't at all normal. But Julie was pretty understanding - if a little shocked.


ROSS: I'm not going into details.

CHANDLER: So we are left with Joey. Which of all the thousands of women you have been out with - which was the worst date.

JOEY: Janice - definitely Janice.


CHANDLER: The Janice - you went out with the Janice.

JOEY: I didn't go out with her and it was long before you guys met. Why do you think she scares me the crap out of me! I don't think she remembers though. I'm pretty sure she doesn't. God I hope she doesn't


JOEY: I was 17 and we were both at this party - very drunk and we were fooling around and her nails somehow… and then her hair got caught and yanked it more and… oh God the blood… hospital… … Oh God - please don't remind me. How many Italian Catholics do you know that are circumcised?

CHANDLER: Uhh - one? Not something I've made a study on - Ross?

ROSS: And I'm the expert!

CHANDLER: You didn't think to warn me?

JOEY: Man you needed the sex. Your right arm was beginning to look like Popeye's

ROSS: What about me - couldn't you have warned me when I was with her?

JOEY: You're Jewish - I figured she couldn't do you any more damage.

ROSS: You mean I had less protection!

CHANDLER: She certainly has nails. I still have the evidence on my back. I told Monica I fell into a hedge.

ROSS: Me too. I told Rachel I fell into some dinosaur bones.

JOEY: Well try explaining my scars.

CHANDLER: Of course now you can't tell which are Janice's and which are Monica's. Though Monica rarely actually draws blood.

ROSS: Eww. Did I really need to know that?

JOEY: Never go out with a woman with nails - or teeth.

CHANDLER: Teeth - you've had problems with teeth too?

JOEY: Nails, teeth, glasses, braces, hair - and of course - false legs.

CHANDLER: Ah yes - the legendary Ginger. You're right though. Teeth are always the tricky thing - why did God give women teeth?

JOEY: To open plastic packaging?

CHANDLER: I mean on the one hand - oh my God - and on the other hand you're thinking - how much do I trust this girl? Is she still cross with me or has she completely forgiven me? At least with Monica I know that she needs me intact so I feel pretty safe.

ROSS: Hang on there a minute - you mean you put it - ya know - ewwww with my sister? Does she …?

CHANDLER: Drink? (Handing him another beer) And even with other bits teeth can be a dangerous thing. I mean there are the lips - soft and inviting and then there are the teeth, like daggers behind them and then there is the mouth again, all soft and wet and inviting. I made the mistake once of putting my fingers in a girl's mouth just as she was right there…

ROSS: Is that how you lost the end of your finger?

CHANDLER: Yep - never lost interest in sex as quickly as I did that time. Ya know I don't think I'm really going to miss the dating thing. What with the toe, my finger and my back… Women are such a strange species.

ROSS: And there speaks the guy who chased a farting condom out the window.

JOEY: So you don't feel like a lamb to the slaughter, a condemned man on his last night, a …

CHANDLER: Yeah - enough of the metaphors. I feel good. I mean I'm marrying Monica. (suddenly nervous) Oh dear God I'm marrying Monica!

ROSS: What's that noise?

(Very loud whooping and cheering from the girls with cries of "off, off, off" and then an even louder cheer. The guys look disgusted and bewildered.)

JOEY: My God has that guy really taken his kit off in front of that baying mob?

CHANDLER: Well I think we can safely assume that they're not playing Pictionary.

JOEY: Do you… we will compare badly when they next see what we have to offer?

CHANDLER: Well you will - with your scars.

ROSS: I think we should check him out - just in case. I mean we wouldn't want him to go too far? There's my sister, your fiancée and Phoebe in there.

CHANDLER: Not to mention two of your ex-wives.

JOEY: I'm not going in there!

ROSS: No I suppose you're right. We might end up with more scars. Who would think that women could be so predatory?

CHANDLER: You can only say that because you never slept with Monica. Talking of which - I'm not staying here tonight - I need to remind her who she's with after that … has stripped off in front of her.

JOEY: No you don't want to do that. You'll be doing it and she'll be thinking of him.

CHANDLER: No - I don't think women do that do they? Think of some other guy when they're doing it - that's a guy thing isn't it?

JOEY: Ya know - second thoughts - I wouldn't worry about it Chandler. Even at the height of passion I don't think there is anyway that the guy who changed in here could be confused with you. Even if Monica has her eyes closed.

CHANDLER: Thanks Jo - that makes me feel a lot better. You know my favorite fantasy before we were going out was Monica.

JOEY: Ahhh that's sweet. Me too - and Rachel of course… oh oh oh and Carol and Susan - that's a favorite of mine. Come on Ross - don't look so cross you telling me you always focus on the girl in front of you.

ROSS: Well maybe that's because I can always remember who the girl in front of me is.

CHANDLER: Pity you couldn't manage that in the wedding ceremony.

Stripper comes back in - just clutching his clothes in front of him.

JOEY: So you got out alive?

STRIPPER: Only just. Took her a while to get going but boy, once she got over her shyness, and stopped tidying up my clothes around me. Do you know she insisted on putting my pants in the press…

CHANDLER: Yeah I'm the guy she's marrying and that's her brother.

STRIPPER: You sleep with her - how? Do you ever get any sleep?

CHANDLER: Not really - but then I work in data processing - so I can always catch up at work.


Chandler and Monica's. The party is just ending. Girls are drifting off home.

PHOEBE: You know I don't feel so good.

JOEY: Perhaps that's because you look and sound like you drunk New York dry.

MONICA: So did you have fun tonight honey?

CHANDLER: We had a more sophisticated evening - reminiscing about old times - you know.

MONICA: We did a bit of that too. Christina, the waitress from work, she told us this amazing story about a guy who... Oh Christina - meet my fiancée - Chandler Bing.

CHANDLER: Oh my God Tina Malloi! You work with Tina Malloi.

CHRISTINA: I'm married now - Mrs Christina Phillips.

MONICA: You know each other?

CHRISTINA: We were at College together. Of course, Ross Geller and Chandler Bing. Ross is your brother!

ROSS: Tina! Oh I bet Chandler is pleased to see you.

JOEY: This is the Tina - Oh I bet Chandler would just love to catch up on old times.

MONICA: That's great honey. To think I didn't know that I was working with an old friend of yours.

CHRISTINA: I think I should catch a cab with the others.

CHANDLER: Yes I think you should - you don't want to miss it.

JOEY: Yeah - she wouldn't want it whizzing bye. It might be the only one.

MONICA: What a shame. Oh well you can chat at the wedding. Isn't this great!

CHANDLER: Slap me in the eye fantastic. Do you think it's too late to invite Janice and Julie to the wedding?


Continued in TOW Seven Babies