Written by: Toni Adams
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Hello again. This episode's a little different from from the others, you'll see why when you read it, but I've gotta give some credit to certain people here. This episode was not only written by me, but also the people who transcribed:
Thw One With: The Stond Guy, The Flashback, All The Kips, The Girl Who Hits Joey, Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss, The Breast Milk, Joey's Big Break, Eddie Moves In, The Sonogram At The End, Lesbian Wedding, Ross's Wedding Part II, The Jellyfish, All The Jam, The Giant Poking Device, The Bullies, Joey's Bag, Prom Video, The One Where: Phoebe Hates PBS, Old Yeller Dies, Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister, The One After The Superbowl, The One in Vegas, The One The Morning After, and The Pilot. So read on if you wanna figure out what I'm talking about... although you've probably already figured it out.
***
Scene: C&J's Ross and Joey are there. Joey's at the counter, Ross just walked in. He doesn't look happy.
Joey: What's up man?
Ross: I just got asked out by this beautiful woman, but I had to say no
Joey: (not believing this) What?! Why?!
Ross: (depressed) Because she asked me to a ballroom dance party, I can't dance to save my life! (slumps on the barka feeling sorry for himself)
Joey: (excited)Ross! you're in luck!! If you remember, I was the supers dancing partner when he was learning. I could teach you!
Ross: (thinking this over) ...I guess... (stands up and... stays there)
Joey: Okay, I haven't got any music, (claps his hands) we'll do without. Right! (he goes closer to Ross and takes his hand)
Ross: (letting go) Dude! What are you doing?
Joey: Hello! teaching you to dance!!!
Ross: (swallowing his pride) all right.
(takes Joey's hand, Ross puts his other hand on Joey's hip and Joey's other hand goes on Ross's shoulder. Chandler walks in and sees them together)
Chan: Even though it's been six years and three marriages (they break apart quickly) You'd still make a great couple...!(smiles)
OPENING CREDITS
Scene: C&J's. No one there, then Joey walks in with the post. Chandler walks out of his room, putting on his tie, actually, lets make that his shirt... ummmm, no back to tie. Joey's flicking through the post
Chan: anything for me?
Joey: Um.. (looks) yeah! (picks out a letter and gives it to Chandler)
Chan: huh.. it's not a bill, it's hand-written... (opens it and skims through it) Oh my God...
Joey: What's up?
Chan: (surprised) It's from Kip
Joey: What??? (snatches the letter off Chandler)
Chan: Ow!!!
Joey: (reading) Hey Chandler, Kip here. Been a long time huh? Just thought I'd drop you a line and let you know how I was. (voice over takes over, by one of my fave actors, Michael J. Fox)
Kip: Well, as you know, I'm married, our Hibachi we bought broke by the way. Um, I've got two beautiful children, Richie and Jay. I'm doing well in my job, we've moved upstate to Albany, the address is at the top of the letter if you wanna write back. Well, this was just a quick note (back to Joey)
Joey: (reading) of hello. I'd better be going now. So, how's things been with you?
(Joey looks at Chandler, Chandler's still shocked at getting the letter)
Scene: Central Perk. All the gang are there. Rachel is on the couch, Ross, Chandler, Monica and Phoebe are squashed onto the sofa, and Joey's on the wooden chair. They're all talking, but you can't hear them. voice overs are in italics
Chan: Dear kip, um, wow! nice to hear from you. It's been a long time... Well, how are you? I'm doing great. Um, where do I start? Well, I got promoted about five years ago
(cut to the scene from TOW the stoned guy, when Joey, Chandler and Ross are in C&J's apartment.)
Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.
Chandler: Again?
Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler) And again.
Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)
(back to Central Perk.)
Chan: And for some reason I still work there... The apartment is doing well. Your rooms being rented by Joey Tribianni. did you see him in Days of our Lives? I didn't intend to take Joey, but, well. You remember Mr. Heckles, he scared off Eric, the model photographer with a porn star sister
(cut to: scene in TOW the flashback. Eric is taking his stuff into Chandlers apartment. Mr. Heckles is there in the hallway)
Mr. Heckles: (to Eric) Who are you?
Eric: Hi, I’m Eric, I’m gonna be Chandler’s new roommate.
Mr. Heckles: I’m Chandler’s new roommate.
Eric: I-I-I don’t think so.
Mr. Heckles: I could be Chandler’s new roommate.
Eric: But, he told me over the phone.
Mr. Heckles: He told me in person.
Eric: That’s weird.
Mr. Heckles: Well, I’m going to go into my new apartment now. (goes over to the door and opens it) Ehh! (Eric leaves)
(inside Chandler’s apartment, Chandler is coming in from his bedroom, sees Mr. Heckles, and screams.)
cut back to Central Perk. Chandler gives Monica a kiss on the cheek and they all laugh.
Mon: So did you tell him about us?
Chan: of course I did! Us and our up and down bumpy ride of a relationship.
Mon: Our relationship is a bumpy ride?
(Everyone looks at each other and burst into laughter)
(Cut to: TOW Phoebe hates PBS, Mon and Chan are in C&J's apartment)
Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had.
Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's happy dance.)
Chandler: What's your point?
Cut to: TOW all the kips. M&R's Mon and Chan are there.
Chandler: So, I guess this is over.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Well, y'know, you and me, it had to end sometime.
Monica: Why, exactly?
Chandler: Because of the weekend, we had a fight.
Monica: Chandler that's crazy! If you give up every time you'd have a fight with someone you'd never be with anyone longer than—Ohhh! (They both realise something there.)
Chandler: So, this isn't over?
Monica: (laughs) You are so cute! No. No, it was a fight. You deal with it and move on! It's nothing to freak out about.
Chandler: Really? Okay. Great!
Monica: Ohh, welcome to an adult relationship! (She goes to kiss him.)
Chandler: (stops her) We're in a relationship?
Cut to: TOW the girl who hits Joey. M&R's everyone is there, Chandler is standing up with Monica
Chandler: Okay, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, y'know a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess there's only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)
Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!
Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica…
Monica: No-no, don't-don't-don't do it!
Chandler: Will you marry me?
(Phoebe hides her eyes in shame. Rachel is starring at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Joey and Ross are stunned to temporary silence.)
Ross: Oh-no. No. No.
Joey: What a bad idea!
Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! (She doesn't move.)
Cut to: TOW Rachels inadvertent kiss. The mens room, Mon and Chan are there
Chandler: Y'know what I just realised? You just freaked out about our relationship.
Monica: Did not.
Chandler: Yes you did! Admit it! You freaked out!
Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little.
Chandler: Little?! You freaked out big time! Okay? And I fixed it! We have switched places! I am the relationship and king and you are the crazy, irrational screw up! (Does a dance of joy.) (Monica glares at him.) And now we're back.
Back to present time. C&J's place. Chandler is at the counter reading a letter. Joey walks out of his room
Joey: Is that from Kip?
Chan: Yeah
Joey: What's he say?
Chan: He wants to know how everyone else is
cut to: M&R's Rachel and Joey are there in the kitchen. Rachel is writing, Joey is at the sink.
J/R: Dear Kip
Rach: You don't know us, but we thought we'd drop you a line anyway. We are Monica and Chandler's best friends
Cut to: TOW the breast milk (M&R's appartment. Just Rachel and Monica are there
RACHEL: You were with Julie?
MONICA: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.
RACHEL: Oh. Oh my god.
MONICA: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.
RACHEL: Yeah, right.
MONICA: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out.
RACHEL: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught.
MONICA: That is not true!
RACHEL: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?
MONICA: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?
RACHEL: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdales? Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now.
Cut to: TOA Superbowl part 2. M&R's appartment. Mon & Rach are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating
MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.
RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.
MONICA: You sold me out.
RACHEL: I did not sell you out.
MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.
RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
MONICA: Did you just flick me?
RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]
RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.
MONICA: You flicked me first.
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
Cut to: TOW Eddie moves in. C&J's Chandlers sitting at the counter. Joey's on the other side
JOEY: So how are you two getting along?
CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.
JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] All right that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.
CHANDLER: There's another carton right over there.
JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, all right man.
CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about?
JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?
CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.
JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.
CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?
cut to: Joey's Big break. Joey and Chandler are in the cab on the way to Las Vegas.
Joey: You don't think this is going to be a big break for me?
Chandler: No! (Realises) Ahhh!!!
Joey: I don't believe this!
Chandler: Look Joe, I just, I just don't want to get your hopes up real high.
Joey: What are you talking about?! I'm the lead in a movie!
Chandler: They're not even paying ya! This doesn't even sound like a real movie!
Joey: Y'know what? I don't need this! Okay? I don't know why you're dumping all over my big break.
Chandler: Joe, I don't think this is going to be your big break.
Joey: Is that why you're on this trip, huh? Make me feel like a loser? 'Cause if it is, I'll tell ya, I-I-I'd rather be alone.
Chandler: Oh, you don't want me on the trip?
Joey: Not if you're gonna be like this!
Chandler: All right, I'll tell ya what, the next time you ask me a question like that I'll lie.
Joey: Yeah! I don't want you on the trip!
Chandler: All right, fine! Fine! Why don't you pull over? I'll get out right now!
Joey: Fine! (He slams on the brakes, stopping the car on the bridge to the sound of numerous car horns.) Get out!
Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.
Joey: Get out!!
Chandler: All right!! (Gets out and Joey speeds away.) Wait! Wait, there's no sidewalk! Yeah, I'm gonna die here.
Cut to: the present, back to Rachel and Joey
Joey: Okay not absolute best friends
COMMERCIAL BREAK
scene: Ross's place. him, Monica and Phoebe are there. They're watching TV.
Ross: So Kip. Guess you wanna know about me and Carol huh?
Cut to: the pilot. All but Rachel are in Central Perk. Ross has just walked in.
Ross: (mortified) Hi.
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?
Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Chandler: Cookie?
Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.)
Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.
Monica: No you don't.
Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Ross: And then...
Cut to: TOW the sonogram at the end. In the museum display. Carol and Ross are there.
Ross: Why- why are you here, Carol?
Carol: I'm pregnant.
Ross: Pregnant?!
Ross: and after that...
Cut to: TOW the lesbian wedding. Ross, Carol and Susan are in Ross old appartment
CAROL: Oh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us.
ROSS: Oh, you and me?
CAROL: Uh, no, Susan and me.
SUSAN: The other us.
ROSS: Ok.
CAROL: We're uh, we're getting married.
ROSS: As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?
CAROL: Anyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to.
ROSS: Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.
CAROL: Look I just thought that...
ROSS: No no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm revelling baby, believe me!
SUSAN: Is your finger caught in that chair?
ROSS: Mmm hmmm.
CAROL: Want us to go?
ROSS: Uh-huh.
Ross: And then I met Emily. Like that would work out!
Cut to: TOW Ross's Wedding part 2. Up at the alter
Minister: Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross...
Ross: I Ross...
Minister: Take thee, Emily...
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realises what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.
(Rachel looks all around as if all the eyes in the chapel were looking at her.)
Ross: and then in Vegas...
cut to: TOW Vegas. You know which bit
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)
Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.)
Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.)
(They storm out into the street.)
Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay!
(She goes one way; he goes the other.)
Cut back to Ross's place.
Rach:Hey! you didn't tell him about us!
Ross: Yes, I thought I'd spare him that...
Cut to: TOW the prom video. TV bits are in italics They're all in M&R's and the video is playing
MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go.
MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome.
MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em.
ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad.
MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving]
RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.
MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?
MR. GELLER: Press the button.MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack.
MR. GELLER: The button, the button.
MONICA: I can't believe you did that.
ROSS: Yeah, well.
[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]
Cut to: TOW old Yeller dies. Ross and Rachel are in M&R's appartment alone.
ROSS: Good, 'cause I love you.
RACHEL: Oh yeah.
ROSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: Well I love you too.
ROSS: Well that's the first time we've said that.
RACHEL: Yes it is.
ROSS: Well, I'm gonna kiss you.
RACHEL: Well you better.
Cut to: TOW Chandler can't remember which sister. Lobby of Bloomingdales. Ross is with Rachel
Ross: How’d did it go?
Rachel: Oh well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y'know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn’t shut up.
Ross: I’m so proud of you.
Rachel: Me too!
Ross: Listen, I’m ah, I’m sorry I’ve been so crazy and jealous and, it’s just that I like you a lot, so...
Rachel: I know.
Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah.
Mark: Rachel?
Rachel: Yeah. (turns around) Hi Mark!
Mark: Hi. I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job.
Rachel: Oh, I did!
Mark: Yes.
Rachel: (to Ross) Oh my God!! (she turns around and hugs Mark, not Ross)
Ross: Congradu!! (sees her hug Mark) -lations-lations.
Cut to: TOW the Morning after. Ross and Rachel just stormed into M&R's. the others are trapped in Monica's room
Rachel: Just get away from me!
Ross: No, it was a mistake! I made a mistake! Okay?
Rachel: A mistake?! What were you trying to put it in? Her purse?!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom]
Phoebe: Whe-where did he put it?!
[Cut to Living Room]
Rachel: Ross, you had sex with another woman!
[Cut to Monica's bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp.]
Cut to: TOW the Jellyfish.
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.]
Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.
Ross: I missed you too.
Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know?
Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose.
Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.
Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]
Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!
Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?
Monica: You bet.
Cut to: present time, back at Ross's
Rach: Yeah, I guess telling him about us wuold just be cruel...
Scene: M&R's everyone's there, Chandler is in the kitchen with Monica and Phoebe.
Chan: Come on, I need your letter, I'm sending them out today
Mon: We haven't finished it yet
Chan: Lemme see it
(Phoebe gives him the letter, Chandler reads it.)
Mon: Hey Kip! It's Monica and Phoebe here. I don't think there's much to tell you that hasn't been said already.
Phoe: Oh I got one!!! The bar downstairs is now a coffee house!
Cut to: TOW the Flashback.
[Scene: A bar, Chandler is entering.]
Chandler: Hey, Mon.
Monica: Hey-hey-hey. You wanna hear something that sucks.
Chandler: Do I ever.
Monica: Chris says they’re closing down the bar.
Chandler: No way!
Monica: Yeah, apparently they’re turning it into some kinda coffee place.
Chandler: Just coffee! Where are we gonna hang out now?
Monica: Got me.
Cut to: present time. chandler's still reading the letter. in the background in the living room you can see Joey, Ross and rachel having an arguement over the card game they're playing.
Mon: Oh! I got another one! Remember when you broke my door? After that it only ever locked once! Now everyone can get in my appartment.
Phoe: That's cause you always leave it unlocked!!!
Cut to: TOW the Jam. M&R's Ross and Rachel are there, and Chandler just walks in
ROSS: Hey.
CHANDLER: Do I look fat?
(A song starts up, lets do.... Liquidator - Harry J Alstars. It's that song you hear in
the heart disease adverts. now imagine for yourselves... 10 different sequences when the
gang just walk into M&R's appartment. I'll give you a hand. Chandler walking on Rachel
in TOW the Boobies.
End the sequence with
Cut to: TOW the giant poking device. M&R's place, M&R are there. Phoebe barges in
after coming back from the dentist)
Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! You’re alive! You’re alive!
Phoe: I found out I have a brother!
Cut to: TOW the Bullies. Outside Franks house. Frank Jr runs out after Phoebe
FRANK: Hey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?
PHOEBE: Um well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too.
FRANK: Heavy.
PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?
FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about anything.
PHOEBE: Oh.
FRANK: Except stilts.
PHOEBE: Stilts?
FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts.
Phoe: And a new mom!
cut to: TOW the beach. at Phoebe sr beach house
Phoebe Sr: But umm, you’re right. I think that a person should know where they come from. Wh-which is why I ah, (pause) ahh, (pause) okay. I’m your mother.
Phoebe: Heh?
Phoe: Oh! And then when my grandmother died, guess who showed up!
Cut to: TOW Joey's bag. The memorialPhoebe is standing with the guys.
(Another man, an older man, enters, looking around and bumps into Chandler.)
Man: Oops, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Is this the umm, the memorial?
(The gang moves off as Phoebe greets the new guest.)
Phoebe: Yeah, welcome.
Man: Hello. Hello.
Phoebe: Umm here's your 3-D glasses.
Man: Oh, umm, all right.
Phoebe: So how did you know Francis?
Man: Well I actually, I-I really, I haven't seen her for years. But umm, well I-I was pretty tight with-with her and her daughter.
Phoebe: Really?! What's your name?
Man: Umm, Frank Buffay.
(Needless to say, Phoebe is stunned into silence. And one audience member gasps.)
Cut to: present time. the arguement over the cards has now turned into a full fist fight. or something similar that would be suitable for TV
Phoe: So that's four parents I've got now Kip! I beat your total!!!
Mon: Phoebe, he actually had six parents. Remember?
Phoe: That bastard!
Scene: C&J's Joey's reading a letter with Chandler, they're both really shocked.
Chan: (reading) I'm sorry Chandler. I hope you can forgive me. (Mon and rach walk in.But I also hope you understand why I can't write anymore.
Rach: What's going on?
Mon: Is that from Kip?
Rach:What's he saying? (Chandler puts the letter down)
Joey: He was apologising for something he did to me three years ago
Mon: oh. (realises something) Hang on you didn't know Kip three years ago.
Joey: But he knew me. He was one of the writers on Days of Our Lives who got me fired!
Girls: What??? (look at the letter)
CLOSING CREDITS
Scene: C&J's Ross and Joey are now dancing to music, ballroom dancing of course. around the room, they're quite good. they dance for a bit til Rachel walks in
Rach: I can't believe it! (They quickly break apart) All these years we though Chandler was gay! When... (lifts up her hands and pretends to cry in joy) we should've been looking at you two. I'm so happy for you! (runs over and hugs them, then leaves with a meschivous look on her face while the others look slightly bemused)
END
Okay, now I understand that the end wasn't very good. but it's hard to do this!
Next episode:
TOW the cafe that never sleeps.
The guys try and do a good thing for Charity, but Rachel takes it a little too far.
***