The One With The Throwing Up

Written by: L.Howard

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment. Ditto with "Maxwell's House" which belongs to Matthew Perry and some other guy.

[Scene One: Central Park, Ross and Chandler are watching Ben spinning around in circles.]

Chandler: We enjoyed having Ben over last weekend. I had forgotten how much fun it is to play Twister with your clothes on.

Ross: I KNOW, wait…. (Thinks about it for a second - looks at Chandler in disgust) eeewww!

Chandler: You know, I think I might enjoy having a kid.

Ross: Excuse me, do I know you?

Chandler: Yeah, I know it sounds weird coming from me, but I really enjoyed playing 'Dad' with Ben.

Ross: Well you obviously haven't talked with Monica about this otherwise you would be tied to the bed.  (Chandler thinks about this for a minute with a smile on his face and nodding his head)

Ross: Dude, you can't be serious, you hate commitment. I still find it hard to believe you've been with Monica for more than a year.

Chandler: Well I have obviously changed. I think I WILL talk to Monica about it.

(Ben comes running up to both of them)

Ben: Daddy did you see how fast I was spinning around?

Ross: Yeah! You did it about a 100 times!

(Just as Ross says this Ben turns to Chandler to say something to him but instead throws up on him)

Chandler: Aahhhh

Ross: So Chandler still interested in the whole father thing?

(Opening credits)

[Scene Two: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is in the kitchen washing the dishes as Chandler enters.]

Monica: Hi, how was the park?

Chandler: Ben threw up on me!

Monica: Why? Did you tell him a joke?

Chandler: Ha ha (makes some grunting noise). You know you should be upset about it too. Right up to that moment I was telling Ross how I was thinking I would like to be a father.

Monica: Oh My God, did I just hear you right? (Walks over to hug him, then realises what he has on his shirt and backs away)

Chandler: Well I gotta say, this whole throwing up episode may have put the urge back a few THOUSAND years.

Monica: Chandler just because you have a little bit of sick on you (grimaces) doesn't mean that’s all that happens when you have kids. They do other things as well.

Chandler: Like what, throw food at you, have dirty nappies, cry, throw tantrums? Anything I missed?

Monica: Yes, how about their first steps or when they grab your hand for the first time, or their first word, which would probably be Daddy, or..

Chandler: OK, OK I get it. (Thinks about it for a second) You really think they would say Daddy first?

Monica: Sure. Anyway its not like we are married or anything so I don't suppose it's really an issue to deal with yet is it? (Has a funny look on her face and goes back to washing the dishes).

Chandler: (Thinking to himself) Yeah. (Walks into the bedroom to change).

[Scene Three: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch reading and Rachel is at the counter talking to a man. Joey comes running in]

Joey: (very excited) Pheebs, Pheebs, you'll never guess what?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah I love this game. OK, lets see you found out the girls in Baywatch don't have real breasts?

Joey: No I… (Phoebe interrupts him)

Phoebe: Wait you can't tell me. That was only my first guess. I get at least three before I give in.

Joey: Please Phoebe I need to tell someone.

Phoebe: Oh OK, but I just want it noted for the record I did not give in!

Joey: I just got a part in a new TV show starting next season!

Phoebe: (jumps up to hug him) Oh that’s so great, and definitely something I wouldn't have guessed.

Joey: The girls in Baywatch don't have real breasts?

Phoebe: No, no I'm sure that was just a rumour.

(Rachel comes over)

Rachel: Hey what's all the yelling and jumping about for?

Joey: I just got a part in a new TV show!

Rachel: Oh my God Joey that's great (hugs him). What's it called?

Joey: "Maxwell's House". It's about six friends who talk and spend a lot of time in a coffeehouse. Man I am going to have to do some serious rehearsing before the first episode.

Phoebe: So Rach, did you get that guys number?

Rachel: Even better I got a date for tonight.

Joey: Hey Hey, we're not done with me yet.

Phoebe/Rachel: Oh sorry Joe. So when do you start? What is your character's name?

Joey: I don't know, I can't think about it now, I need to go tell some more people.

(Joey gets up and goes just as Monica enters)

Joey: Mon, Mon, I just got a part in a new TV show.

Monica: That's great Joe. What's it called?

Joey: (Keeps walking out) Sorry no time, need to tell more people.

Monica: Oh, OK. (Walks over to the couch)

Rachel/Phoebe: Hey, Hi Mon.

Monica: Hi, I need to talk to you two, but you need to promise not to say anything to anyone?

Phoebe: Sure, what's up?

Rachel: Sure Mon, you know you can trust me.

Monica: Rachel are you sure? This can't be repeated to anyone.

Rachel: I CAN keep a secret. Well... I can't, but I promise I will keep this one!

Monica: OK, it will probably come out soon enough anyway. I think I'm pregnant!

Phoebe: Oh my god, does Chandler know?

Rachel: Oh my god, I can't believe I promised to keep this a secret!

Monica: No I haven't told Chandler, you’re the first to know. I'm too scared to tell him. What if he freaks out? You know what he's like.

Phoebe: Yeah. Your probably better to wait until the baby is born then give it to him as a birthday present. I don't think he would return it then.

Monica: What am I going to do?

Rachel: Relax Mon, Chandler loves you. If you definitely are pregnant then he will stick by you.

Monica: Your right. I mean just this morning he was saying that he was thinking he would like to be a father.

Phoebe: What drugs has he been taking?

Monica: I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to have a test. Do you think I should tell Chandler before I go?

Rachel: Yes definitely!

Phoebe: No, definitely not!

Monica: Thanks for your help!

Rachel: Monica, its also his responsibility. As the saying goes it takes two to tango. Or is that three?

Monica: Yes, it is his responsibility also. I will tell him!

Phoebe: Ooh Ooh can we watch?

Monica: I don't think so, not this time. (Gets up to go)

Monica: Well wish me luck.

Rachel/Phoebe: Good luck, we love you.

[Scene Four: Monica & Chandlers, Chandler at the table reading, Monica enters]

Monica: Hi. (Grabs his hand and drags him to the lounge) We need to talk.

Chandler: (Joking of course) What again? Didn't we just talk this morning? You know I think too much talking isn't good for a relationship.

Monica: Ha, Ha. (beat) I think I'm pregnant.

Chandler: Wha….your what?

Monica: I said I think I'm pregnant.

Chandler: Hey you don't just come out with something like that, you should ease a person into the conversation.

Monica: Chandler, did you actually hear what I said?

Chandler: Yes, I'm just trying to think of something to say. How about I love you?

Monica: Well it’s a start. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, will you come with me?

Chandler: (Kisses & hugs her) Yes of course I'll go. I don't expect you to go through this alone.

Monica: Well I must say you appear to be taking this awfully calmly.

Chandler: So you would think. (Shows his fingers dug into the lounge cushions).

Monica: Are you going to be ok with this if I am pregnant?

Chandler: Of course. I've known for a while now I want you to be the mother of my children. It just looks like its going to be a bit earlier than I thought.

Monica: You've thought about us having children before this?

Chandler: Sure I just haven't said it out loud, in case you took me seriously.

[Scene Five: Joey's. Ross & Joey sitting at the bench]

Joey: I told them before they made a final decision they should maybe watch me sit down and drink some coffee. So I sat down then I…

Ross: (not taking any notice of Joey) Did you know Rachel has a date tonight?

Joey: What? What has that got to do with my audition?

Ross: Huh? No nothing, I was just thinking.

Joey: Ross, give it up, you obviously still love her why don’t you just tell her and get it over with.

Ross: (defensive) I have told her.

Joey: Try telling her when she's sober this time. She might remember.

Ross: I can't, I mean what if she is still mad about the whole, "we were on a break"; "Vegas Wedding"; "No Divorce" thing?

Joey: (sarcastically) You think?

Ross: No I should just forget her and get on with my life.

Joey: Yes good idea, now back to me. Anyway I sat down and picked up…

(Ross [still not taking any notice of Joey] gets up and leaves)

Joey: Oh Nice!! (Turns around looking for someone to talk to, spots the chick and the duck and starts talking to them) So guys, I sat down and picked up the cup of coffee, I spilt some, but I don't think anyone noticed luckily.. (the chick and duck walk off into the bathroom) Hey guys (Joey gets up to follow them, but the bathroom door slams shut) Guys?.

[Scene Six: Central Perk, Rachel & Phoebe still on the couch talking as Ross enters]

Rachel: So I thought I might wear that little black dress with the lace around the bottom.

Phoebe: Ooh yeah that’s nice, you could borrow my black pumps, they would look nice with that dress.

Rachel: Ooh yeah they would, thanks Pheebs.

Ross: Hey

Phoebe/Rachel: Hi, Ross.

Ross: So what are you two up to?

Rachel: We were just discussing what I'm wearing tonight on my date.

Ross: Oh that’s right, you have a date tonight. Are you sure you wouldn't rather come over and see some slides? I just got some new ones in from a dig in Mexico.

Rachel: Oh, I'm so sorry to miss that.

Pheobe: Oh yeah me too, I have to… do something. Actually I have to do something now too, but really do something, I promised Frank and Alice I would go over and watch the kids for an hour. (Gets up to go) So see you later. Well not you Ross.

Ross/Rachel: Bye, Seeya.

Ross: So Rach, how you doin?

Rachel: Fine? Why?

Ross: No reason. You know, you look nice today.

Rachel: Ross, I can't come and watch your slides I promised to meet this guy tonight.

Ross: No, no I wasn't… do you ever think something could happen between us again?

Rachel: What? Where did that come from?

Ross: I don't know I have just been thinking lately with all the stuff that’s gone on between us that maybe its fate trying to tell us something?

Rachel: Yeah, stay the hell away from each other. Ross, are you serious?

Ross: What.. no of course not…. Well… yes actually. I mean don't you ever think about giving us another go?

Rachel: Yes I do, then I think that maybe I should give up using acetone when I paint my nails.

Ross: (smiles sadly) Ha.

Rachel: Seriously Ross, I think maybe one day I would like to try another date with you, but right now I'm not sure we are ready for it. I mean I'm still a little annoyed about the divorce thing.

Ross: Yeah I thought that might not be in my favour. Well at least you think you might like to try another date one day. That gives me something to think about. (Holds her hand) I miss you sometimes Rach.

Rachel: I know I miss you too. (They hug)

[Scene Seven: Phoebe & Rachel's (later in the day), Rachel reading on the couch as Phoebe enters looking extremely messed up, confused and tired]

Rachel: Oh my god Phoebe what happened? Did you get mugged?

Phoebe: No why?

Rachel: Well you look a bit messed up?

Phoebe: Oh that, yeah the babies ganged up on me again.

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry Honey. So anyway can I borrow those shoes for tonight?

Phoebe: Yeah sure I'll just get them. (Goes into her room and returns without the shoes) Hey Rach have you seen my black pumps?

Rachel: No? Pheebs, I just asked you if I could borrow them? Are you sure you're all right?

Phoebe: Huh, yeah sure, sorry it just takes me some time to get back into understanding adult conversation after talking to the babies all afternoon. (Goes back into her bedroom)

Rachel: (Gets up to follow her) Do you want some help looking Pheebs?

Phoebe: No thanks I think I will just lie down and have a rest. (Lies down on her bed)

Rachel: Yeah OK you do that, and while your resting I will just see if I can find your shoes if that’s OK (Starts looking around)?

Phoebe: Shoes, oh yeah sure, you were going to borrow my black pumps for tonight. Hang on I'll help you look. (Gets back up again)

Rachel: That’s OK, you just lie down. (Pushes Phoebe back in the direction of her bed) I think I'll have better success if I look by myself.

Phoebe: Hey while your looking why don't you see if you can find my black pumps that you want to wear tonight?

Rachel: Ok sure that’s a great idea Pheebs. (Finds the shoes as she is talking) Look here they are, now you just stay there and rest.

Phoebe: No thanks, I think I will just stay here and have a rest (falls asleep).

[Scene Eight: Next day at the Doctors Office, Monica and Chandler enter]

Monica: Hi, I have an appointment for 3pm.

Nurse: (asking for which doctor) Doctor?

Chandler: (Very agitated and moving around) No Plumber!

Nurse:(Ignoring Chandler) Which Doctor do you have an appointment with?

Monica: Doctor D'Little (Grabs Chandlers to stop him moving around)

Chandler: Doolittle Doolittle, Mon you do know you need an actual human Doctor for this test not a vet? I mean I know they sometimes do these tests on rabbits, but still?

Nurse: (Hands Monica a clip board) Take a seat and fill these out.

Monica: (to Chandler) Calm down, anyone would think your the one that has to pee into the tiny bottle.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I don’t know whether to be happy or scared.

Monica: (smiles at him - then starts to read questions on clipboard out loud) Name, Monica Geller, Address, (don't know so whatever it is), Married, No, Children…

Chandler: We wouldn't need to be here if we knew that.

Doctor: Monica Geller

Monica: Here goes, you ready?

Chandler: No, but whatever happens I love you. (Kisses her)

(They follow the doctor into his room)

Doctor: Now Monica, what seems to be the problem? Has that rash returned?

Monica: (Embarrassed) No, no, no!! I think I might be pregnant.

Chandler: (Whispers to her) Rash? What rash?

Monica: No, no rash, he must have me confused with someone else, he barely knows me!

Doctor: Well, wouldn't that be nice, I delivered you and now I might be able to deliver your baby. Well let's get a sample from you and do the test. (Hands her a little bottle and points to another room).

Monica: Thanks. So I just go in there and do what I need to do? With you two out here waiting? Great at least there's no pressure or anything. I hope that room is sound proof! (Goes into the other room and shuts the door)

Chandler: So Doctor D'Little huh? I bet you had a hard time going through Med School?

Doctor: No why?

Chandler: Huh you know, D'Little-Doolittle sound similar?

Doctor: Yeah so?

Chandler: Nothing, I guess you don't get out much!

(Short time lapse - Monica returns)

Monica: Here you go. Test away.

(Doctor goes to other side of the room to test)

Monica: Well here goes, keep your fingers crossed, or not? God I don't know whether I want a positive of negative result.

Chandler: I hope its positive! No wait, negative. No positive or…., yeah definitely positive. I think.

Monica: Well I'm glad you're sure about it!

(Doctor returns -then fade to a commercial of course!)

[Scene Nine: Central Perk Next Day, All there in the usual places]

Ross: Are you OK with not being pregnant Mon?

Monica: Yeah, we were both a little sad when the test came back negative, but realise even though we would like to have kids some day soon, that we would prefer to do it in the right order. Engagement, wedding then kids.

Chandler: (Joking around) Hey, who said anything about an engagement or wedding?

Phoebe: I must say I don't think you could handle the pain of delivery.

Monica: What do you mean you don't think I can handle the pain? I can handle a serious amount of pain, come on try me, who's first? (Puts up her fists)

Chandler: Relax Mon, we've all heard how you could kick Hulk Hogan's butt, (quietly) especially now that he's like a hundred!

Monica: You bet (Monica hits him playfully on the arm).

Chandler: Ow Ow Ow.

Pheobe: Well at least we know Chandler certainly couldn't handle the pain. Or any pain for that matter.

Ross: So how was the date, Rach?

Rachel: Ugh, he was so boring. He was an Archaeologist. By the end of the date I felt like he had dug ME up!

Ross: HA Archaeologists (puts his hand to his forehead with his fingers in the shape of an L) Losers! I told you, you should have come over and watched my slides from Mexico.

Rachel: (sarcastically) Yeah, cause that wouldn't have made me want to poke my own eyes out!

Ross: (thinks she serious) Too right! (thinks about it) ….Hey!!

Joey: OK so has everyone had their say? I think its about time we started talking about MY show again.

Chandler: Your show? Huh and I thought the writers might have a say in what happens.

Joey: Yeah, yeah writers, directors whatever. Did I tell you what I did in the audition? (Everyone groans) Hey I know, how about if I showed you instead. (Picks up a coffee cup and proceeds to attempt to drink - while shaking his head and pointing at the cup - but spills it all over himself instead)