The One With Tonights Top Tenaka The One With The Weathergirl, part III written by TFK
[SCENE 1: Central Park]
[Watch it: Central Park, thats that big green thing in the centre of New York, not the coffeehouse.]
(Its a sunny day. Chandler and Monica are walking in Central Park. It looks like theyre having a great time together.)
CHANDLER: Oh, I love New York!
MONICA: Thats all you love?
CHANDLER: Oh no, theres so much more.
MONICA: Like what?
CHANDLER: Uh, the Knicks. Yeah, I really like the Knicks. Theres nothing as cool as watching a good game of basketball.
MONICA (getting niffled): Arent you forgetting something?
CHANDLER: Like what?
(Monica stands still. Chandler also stops walking, he looks questioning at Monica.)
CHANDLER: Oh, of course!
(He grabs Monicas hands. They stare into each others eyes.)
CHANDLER: Of course, theres another love.
(Their faces get closer, it looks like theyre about to kiss.)
JANICE (off-screen): Yoo-hoo, Bing-A-Ling, are you coming?
CHANDLER: Sorry, gotta go. Theres my other love.
(He quickly walks to Janice.)
(Cut to Monicas bedroom. She wakes up, looking extremely sad.)
[SCENE 2: City Channel Television Studio]
[The live taping of City Channels breakfast show Breakfast in New York. Joey sits next to another host, a good looking blond woman named Lisa Moore (LISA), ready to make his debut as a host.]
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Five, four, three, two, one, were on the air.
(The next shot is the live taping, it looks just like a normal breakfast show.)
VOICE-OVER: Good morning New York! Youre watching Breakfast in New York, the breakfast show on the Big Apples number one television station City Channel. Today hosted by the loveable Lisa Moore and our new host, former weatherman Joseph Tribbiani.
LISA: Good morning New York. My name is Lisa Moore.
(Cut to Joey.)
JOEY: And I am Joseph Tribbiani.
(Cut back to Lisa.)
LISA: This morning we have mister Michael Baldman, economic advisor of the city council. He and Joseph will talk about the new inner city rejuvenation program from the New York city council. (Panic on Joeys face ).
(Cut to Joey)
JOEY: After that we have local actress Karen DuPont, shes the big star in the new play Who, oh who stole my bicycle?
(Cut to Lisa)
LISA: And finally we have local activist Karl Smith, spokesman of the action group Cats must wear socks.
(Cut back to Joey)
JOEY: But first its time for our weathertalk, today presented by Grace Belly.
(Both hosts make full use of this short break by drinking a lot of coffee.)
JOEY (thoughts, voice-over): Well, thats going fine. (He looks at Lisa) Shes hot. I wonder what it takes to hook up with her. (He winks at her, she smiles and shows him her hand, shes wearing a wedding ring.) Mmm. (Joey shrugs) Ah, who cares? I wonder how many women called today to find out more about me. (He looks to something off-screen, then smiles content.)
(Cut to a shot of off-screen, theres a giant counter, current score 124, jumping to 125, 126, 127. Well, you get the idea, right?)
[SCENE 3: Rosss apartment]
(Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast, Phoebe enters.)
PHOEBE: Hi guys.
ROSS and RACHEL: Hi.
(Phoebe sits down)
PHOEBE: Hey, Im sorry about yesterday, okay?
RACHEL: Uh, Pheebs. What are you talking about?
PHOEBE: Oh, you know, when I told you guys to get a room.
ROSS and RACHEL (remembering): Ah.
PHOEBE: I didnt mean that. I was just very nervous because I was wondering what Chandler and Monica were doing.
ROSS: Thats okay Pheebs, were not mad at you.
PHOEBE: Okay. Do you guys know if they talked to each other yesterday?
RACHEL: No, I spent the night here so I havent spoken to Monica. Didnt you eat breakfast at Monicas this morning?
PHOEBE: No, but I think we should go and see her later. But lets watch Joey first, he should be on television now.
ROSS: Yeah, lets see how hes doing.
(He grabs the remote control and turns the TV on.)
[SCENE 4: City Channel television studio]
[Cut back Breakfast in New York. Joey is going to interview Michael Baldman (BALDMAN).]
JOEY: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. Next to me sits Michael Baldman. Hes one of the prime economic advisors of the New York city council. Were going to talk about the counsels new inner city rejuvenation program. Good morning mister Baldman, welcome to the show.
BALDMAN: Thank you.
JOEY: Mister Baldman. Could you explain to our viewers what the idea of this program is?
BALDMAN (who was just taking a sip from his coffee, thoughts): Yeah, like you understand what its about.
BALDMAN (talking): Basically the idea is very simple. We are using a complex framework
developed at Harvard University. Its based upon managerial and economic theories and
it is of great use for analysing the strengths and weaknesses of the inner city business
environment. By using this framework we are able to identify different approaches for the
city council to rejuvenate the inner city business. So basically, at this moment we are
developing a policy that strengthens both the innovative power and the competitiveness of
the dynamic business clusters in the inner city of New York.
(Imagine the expression on Joeys face.)
LISA (thoughts): Mental note: never ever invite a scientist again.
BALDMAN (He likes being the smartest, but thats a characteristic of most scientists.:)): You see, based upon economic research
(Joey cuts him off)
JOEY: You mean that youre basing everything upon economics?
BALDMAN: Yes! We are using a couple of managerial and economic assumptions that form a framework which
JOEY (astonished): Economics?
BALDMAN (he doesnt get what Joeys aiming at): Yeah?
JOEY: But economics is just a theory. I mean, there are a lot of fake theories out there. Youre a scientist, you know that.
[Cut to Rosss apartment, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are watching Joey doing the interview.]
ROSS (shouting at the television): Oh my God! Joey, dont say that! Hell demolish you!
[Cut back to the television studio]
BALDMAN (smiles): Mister Tribbiani. We scientist have done a lot of research, and we know that our assumptions are correct.
JOEY: But, dont you think that youre assumptions are correct because you guys want them to be correct?
JOEY: You know, the German sociologist Thomas once stated that If people define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.
BALDMAN: Yeah, thats right.
JOEY: So if you guys define a situation, in this case the economy, as real, you guys always get the results you want to.
BALDMAN (getting nervous): Uh
JOEY: Yeah! You just agreed with me.
BALDMAN: Uh, did I?
JOEY: Oh yeah, you did. And maybe you know that Van Dongen once stated that If people defines situations as different, their differences have real consequences, right?
BALDMAN (confused): Uh, yes, he said that.
JOEY: So maybe the real world situation is very different from your framework, but you guys just dont want to see it that way.
(Michael Baldman swallows.)
JOEY: So basically you guys are using a framework nobody knows it works but still you are using it for some inner city rejuvenation program, spending a lot of tax dollars?
BALDMAN (Hes now completely confused. Remember: never underestimate your discussion partner, even if its Joey Tribbiani.:)): Uhh
JOEY: Thank you for this interview mister Baldman. Well be right back after the break with actress Karen DuPont.
DIRECTOR (off-screen): Okay, the commercial break started. Well done Joey!
BALDMAN (still shocked): How on earth did you come up with all these stuff?
(Joey smiles and shows him a small book titled Post-modern bluffing for beginners.)
[SCENE 5: Ross and Rachels apartment]
[Phoebe and Rachel are still watching TV, while Ross is reading a newspaper.]
RACHEL: I dont understand how Joey knows all these things.
RACHEL: You know, maybe he will finally get a real career, hes doing great.
(Ross looks up from his newspaper.)
ROSS: Hey guys, look. (He shows them an ad) David Lettermans Late Show has ran out of Top Ten lists, and now they pay everybody who submits a good Top Ten two thousand dollars.
(Note: I know, this is bullshit. I think they get enough Top Ten lists every week to fill another millennium of Late Shows, but its just for the sake of this script, okay? I just wanted a nice title, otherwise it would be The One Without A Weatherperson.:))
PHOEBE (enthusiastic): Oh cool! We should make a list.
ROSS: Yeah, like what?
PHOEBE (enthusiastic): Oh, I know! Phoebe Buffays Ten Best Songs.
ROSS: Uh, Pheebs. I think that that Top Ten should be understandable for the entire United States, not only for the happy few whove had the pleasure to see you live on stage in Central Perk.
PHOEBE: Yeah, youre right. Maybe I should make a tour through America so other people can enjoy my music.
RACHEL: Oh yeah, you do that.
PHOEBE: Oh, I have another idea for a Top Ten! How about The top ten signs that youre cursed by a Romanian witch?
ROSS (wise-ass): You mean, as opposed to being cursed by a Hungarian witch?
PHOEBE: No, of course not silly boy. Everybody knows that Hungarian witches dont curse people anymore. The Hungarian government has raised an extra tax on cursing, making it very unprofitable. And you are a professor? You are so dumb!
(Ross is at a loss for words and looks confused, while Rachel desperately tries not to burst out in laughter.)
[SCENE 6: City Channel television studio, somewhere off-screen]
[The shows director, Lisa Moore and Joey are discussing the show.]
DIRECTOR: Joey, theres just one thing I can say. Congratulations, that was an excellent debut!
(Joey smiles satisfied.)
JOEY: Thank you.
LISA: You know, I think theres a great future for you as a host.
DIRECTOR: Yeah, Lisas absolutely right. Youre gonna be the new hotshot of the City Channel.
JOEY: Thank you. I just have one question.
DIRECTOR: Whats it?
JOEY: How many women called for me?
DIRECTOR (looking at his notepad): According to our latest update two hundred and forty-one women called for you.
(Joey smiles happy now)
JOEY: And you guys wrote down their telephone numbers?
DIRECTOR: Of course, it was one of the clauses you wanted in your contract.
JOEY (happy): Oh boy!
DIRECTOR: Oh, and twenty-five men called for you.
[SCENE 7: Monica and Rachels apartment]
(The apartment is empty. Rachel and Phoebe enter.)
(Monica exits from the bathroom.)
RACHEL and PHOEBE: Hi.
(Rachel and Phoebe look questioning at Phoebe.)
MONICA: I was just cleaning the bathroom. I forgot to do it yesterday.
RACHEL: Talking about yesterday, what happened?
PHOEBE: You know, we said you had to talk to Chandler.
RACHEL: You didnt?
MONICA: No. I didnt dare to.
PHOEBE: Why? What happened?
(A flashback starts, its the last scene of The One With The Weatherman.)
(Chandler is coming from the stairs, he just got his mail. At the same time Monica exits her apartment with a garbage bag. They look at each other.)
CHANDLER: Uh, hi!
(Both don't say a word. They stare at each other. Finally Chandler breaks the silence.)
CHANDLER: I just got my mail.
MONICA: Uh, yeah. I am going to take out the trash.
(Both dont say a word again.)
(Realising this is not gonna work Chandler enters his apartment while Monica walks towards the garbage room. Chandler closes the door of his apartment. Monica stops, turns around and looks at the door of Chandler and Joeys apartment. She sighs, turns around again and walks towards the garbage room. Then the door of Chandler and Joeys apartment opens, Chandler looks around, he doesnt see Monica and closes the door again.)
[SCENE 8: City Channel television studio, somewhere off-screen]
[Joey is looking for the list with the telephone numbers with the women. He enters the studios switchboard room. Guess whos sitting there?]
EMILY: Joey Tribbiani. You again.
JOEY: I thought they fired you yesterday after that autocue incident?
EMILY: No, they didnt. Im just not a directors assistant any more. I am now one of the switchboard operators.
JOEY: So, do you have the list with interested women for me?
EMILY: Yes. (She hands him the list) You know, I havent had a break since the show started, so many women called.
JOEY (glancing through the list): Hillary Clinton?
EMILY: Just remember Tribbiani, one day Ill get you.
JOEY (not really paying attention, still glancing through the list): Sure. Chelsea Clinton? I guess those Clintons are having a contest who can sleep with most people. (Yes, I know, thats a very cheap shot.:))
(The director enters)
DIRECTOR: Joey, great news. Apparently someone from David Lettermans Late Show saw you this morning, they want you to show up tonight in their show.
(Emily doesnt react.)
DIRECTOR: Emily, dont you think that it is polite to congratulate Joey?
EMILY: Oh yeah. Congratulations Joey.
(She shakes Joeys hand, well, actually she squeezes his hand.)
[SCENE 9: Chandler and Joeys apartment]
[Chandler is sitting in one of the recliners, facing the back of the other recliner, talking to someone whos sitting in the other recliner.]
CHANDLER: Im sorry. Dont you think that it is somehow possible to try again? I know I made a stupid mistake. And I know that youre mad at me. But why dont you even talk to me? I am sorry, you know that. Dont you understand that I never wanted to hurt you? Please Monica, I cant live without you.
(He gets up and turns the other recliner around. The chick (CHICK) is sitting in the recliner.)
CHICK: Tok. Tok.
(Or something like that. Dutch chickens say tok. I dont know about American chickens.)
CHANDLER: Yeah, I know. But do you have a better plan?
CHICK: Tok. Tok. Tok.
CHANDLER: Oh, come on Yasmine. I already did that, and it didnt work. I just made a fool out of myself.
CHANDLER: Yeah! Of course.
CHICK: Tok! Tok! Tok!
CHANDLER: Maybe youre right. But I chicken out when I even think of having to do that again.
CHICK (mad): Tok! Tok!
CHANDLER: Youre right Yasmine. I shouldnt say chicken out. Thats a very stupid expression. Im sorry, okay?
CHICK (satisfied): Tok.
[SCENE 10: Central Perk]
[Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting there, finishing their Top Ten list.]
ROSS: So, are we all happy now with this list?
PHOEBE: Yeah, although I think my idea for a list was better.
RACHEL: You mean The ten most effective methods to destroy your relation.
ROSS: Nah, I think this one is better, you agree with me Rachel?
RACHEL: Oh yeah!
PHOEBE: Yeah, but still. I mean You sleep with another woman and all you can say is we were on a break! would be an excellent number one for my list.
RACHEL: Pheebs, please.
(Chandler enters, it looks like hes in a hurry.)
CHANDLER: Where's Monica? Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?
RACHEL: Shes at the restaurant.
CHANDLER: Oh, okay. By the way, what are you guys doing?
ROSS: Oh, were making a list for David Lettermans Top Ten.
CHANDLER: Whats the subject?
ROSS: Ten signs that let you know that you are marrying the wrong woman. (proud) I came up with that one.
CHANDLER: Oh yeah, because you know all about that.
(Ross looks hurt)
CHANDLER: Sorry, gotta go.
(He leaves Central Perk, while Joey enters Central Perk.)
JOEY: Hey pal!
ROSS, RACHEL and PHOEBE: Hi.
JOEY: Did you guys see me this morning?
ROSS, RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You were great. (etc.)
JOEY: Thank you.
PHOEBE: By the way, youre late. We thought you only had to work in the morning.
JOEY: Oh no Phoebe. You see, I am not only a host, I also do some work on the shows redaction. And I had to make a number of important phone calls.
PHOEBE: Well, that mustve been a hell of a lot of important phone calls.
JOEY: Oh yeah!
RACHEL: How many calls did you have to make?
JOEY: Two hundred and forty-one.
PHOEBE: What! Why on earth do you have to make so many phone calls?
JOEY: Uhh (quickly changing the subject) AND, Im gonna be on the Late Show tonight!
RACHEL: You mean David Lettermans Late Show?
JOEY (enthusiastic): Yeah!
ROSS, RACHEL and PHOEBE: Wow!
JOEY: I know! Hey, are you guys coming with me tonight? I can get you guys backstage.
PHOEBE: Oh, cool!
RACHEL: Oh, sorry Joey. We cant go, Ross booked a restaurant. But well be back in time to watch the show on television, okay?
ROSS: Yeah, thats right. We gotta go. I booked at seven and we dont wanna be late.
RACHEL: Okay, bye guys.
ROSS: See ya.
PHOEBE and JOEY: Bye!
(Ross and Rachel leave Central Perk.)
PHOEBE: This is so cool, youre gonna be on television!
JOEY: Pheebs, I was on television this morning.
PHOEBE: Yeah, but this is national television. I mean, the whole country is gonna see you!
JOEY: Yeah, isnt that great?
PHOEBE: Oh yeah. Hey, do you think that its possible to let me perform in the Late Show? I am thinking of making a tour through the States, and this would be a good start.
JOEY: Uh, I dont think thats possible Pheebs. Madonna is gonna sing her latest song tonight.
PHOEBE: Madonna, Madonna. What does she have that I dont have?
PHOEBE (getting angry): What?
JOEY (Oops ): I mean, talent to suck up to the shows director.
PHOEBE: Yeah, thats something all those beginning artists do.
[SCENE 11: Monicas restaurant]
[Well, its actually Allesandros restaurant. Any way, Monica is in the kitchen giving instructions to the other kitchen workers.]
MONICA: You, make that mousse. And you (points at another worker), you really should work faster. Oh God! Do I have to do everything by myself?
KITCHEN WORKER: If thats possible.
MONICA (getting pissed): What?
(One of the waiters (WAITER) enters.)
WAITER: Uh, Monica. Theres a customer who wants to talk to you.
WAITER: Maybe it has something to do with the food?
MONICA: All right, Ill go see him.
(She leaves the kitchen.)
MONICA: What table?
WAITER: Number twelve.
(She leaves the kitchen again.)
(Cut to the restaurant. Monica exits from the kitchen, looking around. She walks towards table twelve. We cant see the customers face, because some big plant is blocking our view.)
MONICA: Excuse me. You wanted to talk to me?
(Camera cuts to the customer, we now see his face.)
RICHARD: Hi Monica.
[SCENE 12: Another restaurant]
[Ross and Rachel are eating dinner.]
RACHEL: So, how was your work today?
ROSS: Oh, just the usual stuff.
(A flashback starts: Rosss day at the university.)
(Ross is giving another lecture, this time in a small lecture room for a small group of students.)
ROSS (voice-over): I was giving a tutorial for a number of students about the different methods of determining the age of fossils when suddenly a student entered.
(A student (STUDENT) enters.)
STUDENT: Hi, sorry Im late.
ROSS: Well, uh, excuse me. Do you have any good reason for being late? I dont like people being late.
STUDENT: Oh, come on professor Geller. Its palaeontology were talking about, its not like those bones will run away.
ROSS: I also dont like it when you talk about palaeontology like that.
STUDENT: Sorry, I know its a very interesting study.
ROSS: Yes, thats right.
STUDENT: I mean, when you study palaeontology you know that youre having a wonderful and exciting career perspective.
ROSS (getting annoyed): Then why are you studying palaeontology?
STUDENT: Oh, I studied sociology first, but I didnt like the colour of the building, so I switched to psychology, but the food in the student cafeteria was terrible. After that I decided to switch to history, but the dean of the faculty had a bad breath, so now Im studying palaeontology.
ROSS: I dont like students who are so unmotivated. If thats your attitude you shouldnt expect to pass this course as long as I am teaching it.
STUDENT (shrugs): So? I have a lot of patience.
ROSS (annoyed now): Get out! Get out! Get out!
(The student leaves the lecture room, but comes back.)
STUDENT: You know? I think Im gonna switch to literary history. The teachers at this faculty use way too much hair gel.
[SCENE 13: Backstage at the Late Show]
[Joey and Phoebe are sitting backstage, waiting. Phoebe has brought her guitar.]
PHOEBE: Are you nervous?
JOEY: No, why would I be nervous?
PHOEBE: Well, maybe because of all those people watching you?
JOEY: So? Ive been doctor Ramoray on Days Of Our Lives, remember?
PHOEBE: Yeah, of course. Oh, thats gonna be weird. All those people think youre dead, the whole country will be shocked.
(David Letterman (LETTERMAN) enters the room.)
LETTERMAN: Ah, mister Tribbiani, nice to meet you!
JOEY: The pleasure is all mine mister Letterman.
(They shake hands.)
LETTERMAN: And whos this lovely woman?
JOEY: Thats one of my friends, Phoebe Buffay.
(Letterman kisses her hand. Phoebe giggles.)
LETTERMAN: Nice to meet you Phoebe. Now Joey, lets talk about tonights show.
(David Letterman and Joey walk away. Paul Shaffer (SHAFFER), hes the leader of the Late Shows band, enters the room.)
SHAFFER (pointing at Phoebes guitar): Youre a musician?
PHOEBE: Oh yeah! Do you want me to play something.
SHAFFER (shrugs): Sure!
There was a girl, a stupid bitch
she thought she was the best
But when she sang there was a hitch
and so I kicked her ass
PHOEBE: You liked that?
SHAFFER (not convinced): Yeah.
PHOEBE: Thats great! I have a lot of other songs. You wanna hear them?
(Phoebe starts jamming on her guitar.)
PHOEBE (singing): Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they
SHAFFER (in horror): Stop!
SHAFFER: I mean, I have to go. I have to do some rehearsals with the band. But you can come with me, Ill introduce you to the band members.
(Paul Shaffer heaves a sigh of relief.)
[SCENE 14: Another restaurant]
[Ross and Rachel have finished their dinner and are about to leave the restaurant. At the same time Emily and her husband, probably Colin (COLIN), enter the restaurant.]
ROSS (surprised): Emily?
EMILY (also surprised): Ross?
(Both Rachel and Colin have a worried look on their face.)
EMILY: Im gonna have dinner here.
ROSS: Ah, I just had dinner here.
EMILY (notices Rachel): So, youre back with Rachel now?
ROSS: Yes, I LOVE her.
EMILY: Thats great, Im back with Colin, were married, and Ive never met a man that made me happier than him.
ROSS: Really? Congratulations.
EMILY: I gotta go. Im hungry.
ROSS: Okay, have fun!
(Emily and Colin enter the restaurant.)
COLIN: So, thats Ross.
COLIN: You still like him?
EMILY: No way, hes a loser. If I ever meet him on the streets at night Ill kick his ass.
(Cut to Ross and Rachel, outside the restaurant.)
RACHEL: So, Emily?
RACHEL (worried): Please dont tell me you still like her.
ROSS: Like her? I hate that bitch.
(Rachel looks relieved)
ROSS: Youre the only one Rachel.
ROSS: Yes Rach, really.
(They kiss, the screen fades to scene 15.)
[SCENE 15: Monicas restaurant]
[Monica is standing next to Richard.]
MONICA: Richard, what are you doing here?
RICHARD: Well, I wanted to have dinner and I thought, why not go to Allesandros?
MONICA: Oh, any complaints?
RICHARD: No, its perfect.
MONICA: Thank you, then why did you ask me to come?
RICHARD: I, uh, I wanted to know how you were doing.
MONICA: And you expect me to believe that? Does Jenny know youre here?
RICHARD: Jenny and I broke up.
MONICA: Im sorry.
RICHARD: Thats okay. We didnt connect, you know. Like you and I connected.
(He grabs Monicas hand.)
RICHARD: I still love you Monica. Why dont we try again?
(Cut to Chandler, entering the restaurant. He sees Richard, holding Monicas hand. Chandler leaves the restaurant. Monica notices Chandler leaving.)
MONICA: Chandler! Wait!
[SCENE 16: The Late Show]
[Yes, The Late Show, with David Letterman. Just imagine how realistic this is: a CBS show in an NBC program. But who cares about that? :)]
LETTERMAN: Welcome back ladies and gentleman. I hope you enjoyed the commercial break. Our next guest is an actor, and hes also the new and rising star of New York Citys local television station the City Channel. Ladies and gentlemen: Joseph Tribbiani.
(The audience goes wild, Joey enters the stage.)
LETTERMAN: Welcome Joseph.
(They shake hands, Joey sits down in the chair next to David.)
JOEY: Hi David, nice to meet you.
LETTERMAN: Joseph. You made a slamming debut this morning on the City Channel.
JOEY: Yeah, thank you.
LETTERMAN: But lets talk about your career first. You once were a very promising actor in Days of our Lives.
JOEY: Yes, thats right.
LETTERMAN: What happened?
JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft so now Im dead.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, but why?
JOEY: Oh, you know. Writers are just very vain people. In an interview with Soap Opera Digest I told I wrote my own lines, and they didnt like that.
LETTERMAN: So they dropped you in an elevator shaft?
LETTERMAN: Well, maybe it wasnt that bad.
JOEY: What do you mean?
LETTERMAN: Just think of what would happen if they really hated you. You were one of the most popular characters of the show. They would probably change you to some weeny, depressed loser for at least a year, so all the viewers would start hating you.
JOEY: Yeah, thats possible. But you know, thats always a problem with these writers. They think that they are the most important part of the show. They dont care about the audience, they dont care about realism or continuation. Theyre just thinking that they rule their own little kingdom, and all we have to do is accept that. But theyre not so important, any nutcase can write a soap opera.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, youre right. Although I must say that for the Late Show the writers are very important.
LETTERMAN: Yeah, because I write all my lines myself.
JOEY (impressed): Really? You make up all those jokes yourself?
LETTERMAN (proud): Oh yeah!
(Suddenly the real writers of the Late Show enter the stage, carrying baseball bats.)
JOEY: Who are those people?
(One of the writers (WRITER-1) speaks up.)
WRITER-1: David, youre writing all these lines yourself?
DAVID: Uh, John, Im sorry, okay? Ladies and Gentleman, John Gedailovich, one of the writers of the show.
WRITER-1: Kill that hypocrite!
(The writers storm toward David Letterman, who quickly jumps up.)
LETTERMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, well be right back after the break.
(He quickly runs of the stage, followed by the writers.)
[SCENE 17: A street, somewhere in New York]
[Thank God there are so many commercial breaks in those talk shows. Now we have some time to see whats going on with Chandler and Monica.:)]
[Chandler walks on the street, somewhere outside Allesandros. Monica runs after him.]
MONICA: Chandler, wait.
(Chandler turns around. He looks depressed.)
CHANDLER: Its okay Monica. I understand. I have no right to say anything.
MONICA: What are you talking about?
CHANDLER: You and Richard.
MONICA: Chandler, there is no me and Richard.
MONICA: Yes! And I think we need to talk.
CHANDLER: Yeah, youre right.
MONICA: You know that I am very mad at you, right?
CHANDLER: Yes, I know Monica. And Im sorry.
CHANDLER: Monica, please, youve got to understand: I never wanted to hurt you. Youre the only one I truly love.
MONICA: And youre the only one for me. Im mad at you, but I still love you.
(Chandler gets a small box (RINGBOX) out of his pocket. The audience in the studio goes wild, but Monica doesnt notice.)
MONICA: Really Chandler. But you must understand that youve hurted me a lot. I really wanna try again, but lets not go too fast, okay?
MONICA: I love you Chandler.
CHANDLER: I love you Monica.
(They hug, while Chandler drops the ring box into a trash can.)
MONICA (breaking the hug, looking around): Whats that noise?
CHANDLER: Oh, nothing I guess. Maybe its the sound of my worries falling off me.
(Cut to the bottom of the trashcan.)
RINGBOX: Yuck! Liar!
(Cut back to Chandler and Monica.)
MONICA (touched): Oh, sweetie.
(The screen fades to black.)
[SCENE 18: The Late Show]
(Back to The Late Show with David Letterman. Letterman enters the stage.)
LETTERMAN (straightening his suit): Scum. Any way, welcome back. And now ladies and gentlemen tonights top ten.
(The audience goes wild.)
LETTERMAN (to Paul Shaffer): Paul, help me to remember to hire new writers tomorrow, will ya?
LETTERMAN: Tonights top ten has been put together by a couple of people calling themselves friends, Ross Geller, Rachel Green and Phoebe Buffay from New York.
(The audience goes wild again. I wont mention it in the rest of this scene. Just imagine the audience goes wild every time Letterman finishes a line.)
LETTERMAN: Tonights top ten ladies and gentlemen. Ten signs that youre marrying the wrong woman.
LETTERMAN: At number ten. She places the ring on your finger and after that you notice your watch is gone.
LETTERMAN: Number nine. She shows up on your bachelors party, saying to your best man: Hi, Im the stripper you called for.
LETTERMAN: Number eight. You say I do and she says thank you, do you want fries with that? Sorry, force of habit.
LETTERMAN: Number seven. You want to put the wedding ring on her finger and you notice there is already one.
LETTERMAN: Number six. During the reception twelve of her ex-husbands shake your hand, and all they say is see you next wedding.
LETTERMAN: At number five. Its five minutes before the wedding and she runs off with the maid of honour.
LETTERMAN: Number four. A camera crew from Sixty Minutes wants to film the wedding, but they dont want to tell you why.
LETTERMAN: Number three. Her parents burp welcome to the family, we hope you like garlic.
LETTERMAN: Number two. She is eight months pregnant and her father is pointing a gun at you during the ceremony.
LETTERMAN: And at number one ladies and gentlemen, in tonights top ten signs that youre marrying the wrong woman During the vows you say the name of your ex girlfriend.
LETTERMAN: What kind of sick people come up with something like this?
Okay, thats it. And I am not gonna write another sequel. :)
A note about the Top Ten. I know some ahem! of the entries are pretty lame but how about these: You lift the veil and she says sorry honey, I forgot to shave this morning, During the ceremony she says you look better when Im drunk, or She says Yes I do and she mumbles wanna have a lot of alimony. So the final result isnt that bad. :)
DISCLAIMER: The characters in this script are the property of David Krane, Marta Kaufmann and Kevin Bright. No infringement of their copyright is intended. The exception of course is The Late Show, Paul Shaffer and David Letterman, but again no infringement of copyright is intended. In other words: please dont sue me.
Written by TFK on March 28th, 1999.