The One With Tonight’s Top Ten aka “The One With The Weathergirl, part III” written by TFK

[SCENE 1: Central Park]

[Watch it: Central Park, that’s that big green thing in the centre of New York, not the coffeehouse.]

(It’s a sunny day. Chandler and Monica are walking in Central Park. It looks like they’re having a great time together.)

CHANDLER: Oh, I love New York!

MONICA: Really?

CHANDLER: Yes.

MONICA: That’s all you love?

CHANDLER: Oh no, there’s so much more.

MONICA: Like what?

CHANDLER: Baywatch.

MONICA: And?

CHANDLER: Uh, the Knicks. Yeah, I really like the Knicks. There’s nothing as cool as watching a good game of basketball.

MONICA (getting niffled): Aren’t you forgetting something?

CHANDLER: Like what?

(Monica stands still. Chandler also stops walking, he looks questioning at Monica.)

CHANDLER: Oh, of course!

(He grabs Monica’s hands. They stare into each other’s eyes.)

CHANDLER: Of course, there’s another love.

(Their faces get closer, it looks like they’re about to kiss.)

JANICE (off-screen): Yoo-hoo, Bing-A-Ling, are you coming?

CHANDLER: Sorry, gotta go. There’s my other love.

(He quickly walks to Janice.)

(Cut to Monica’s bedroom. She wakes up, looking extremely sad.)

[OPENING CREDITS]

[SCENE 2: City Channel Television Studio]

[The live taping of City Channel’s breakfast show “Breakfast in New York.” Joey sits next to another host, a good looking blond woman named Lisa Moore (LISA), ready to make his debut as a host.]

DIRECTOR (off-screen): Five, four, three, two, one, we’re on the air.

(The next shot is the live taping, it looks just like a normal breakfast show.)

VOICE-OVER: Good morning New York! You’re watching ‘Breakfast in New York,’ the breakfast show on the Big Apple’s number one television station City Channel. Today hosted by the loveable Lisa Moore and our new host, former weatherman Joseph Tribbiani.

LISA: Good morning New York. My name is Lisa Moore.
 
(Cut to Joey.)

JOEY: And I am Joseph Tribbiani.

(Cut back to Lisa.)

LISA: This morning we have mister Michael Baldman, economic advisor of the city council. He and Joseph will talk about the new inner city rejuvenation program from the New York city council. (Panic on Joey’s face…).

(Cut to Joey)

JOEY: After that we have local actress Karen DuPont, she’s the big star in the new play “Who, oh who stole my bicycle?”

(Cut to Lisa)

LISA: And finally we have local activist Karl Smith, spokesman of the action group “Cats must wear socks.”

(Cut back to Joey)

JOEY: But first it’s time for our weathertalk, today presented by Grace Belly.

(Both hosts make full use of this short break by drinking a lot of coffee.)

JOEY (thoughts, voice-over): Well, that’s going fine. (He looks at Lisa) She’s hot. I wonder what it takes to hook up with her. (He winks at her, she smiles and shows him her hand, she’s wearing a wedding ring.) Mmm. (Joey shrugs) Ah, who cares? I wonder how many women called today to find out more about me. (He looks to something off-screen, then smiles content.)

(Cut to a shot of off-screen, there’s a giant counter, current score 124, jumping to 125, 126, 127. Well, you get the idea, right?)

[SCENE 3: Ross’s apartment]

(Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast, Phoebe enters.)

PHOEBE: Hi guys.

ROSS and RACHEL: Hi.

(Phoebe sits down)

PHOEBE: Hey, I’m sorry about yesterday, okay?

RACHEL: Uh, Pheebs. What are you talking about?

PHOEBE: Oh, you know, when I told you guys to get a room.

ROSS and RACHEL (remembering): Ah.

PHOEBE: I didn’t mean that. I was just very nervous because I was wondering what Chandler and Monica were doing.

ROSS: That’s okay Pheebs, we’re not mad at you.

PHOEBE: Okay. Do you guys know if they talked to each other yesterday?

RACHEL: No, I spent the night here so I haven’t spoken to Monica. Didn’t you eat breakfast at Monica’s this morning?

PHOEBE: No, but I think we should go and see her later. But let’s watch Joey first, he should be on television now.

ROSS: Yeah, let’s see how he’s doing.

(He grabs the remote control and turns the TV on.)

[SCENE 4: City Channel television studio]

[Cut back “Breakfast in New York.” Joey is going to interview Michael Baldman (BALDMAN).]

JOEY: Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. Next to me sits Michael Baldman. He’s one of the prime economic advisors of the New York city council. We’re going to talk about the counsel’s new inner city rejuvenation program. Good morning mister Baldman, welcome to the show.

BALDMAN: Thank you.

JOEY: Mister Baldman. Could you explain to our viewers what the idea of this program is?

BALDMAN (who was just taking a sip from his coffee, thoughts): Yeah, like you understand what it’s about.

BALDMAN (talking): Basically the idea is very simple. We are using a complex framework developed at Harvard University. It’s based upon managerial and economic theories and it is of great use for analysing the strengths and weaknesses of the inner city business environment. By using this framework we are able to identify different approaches for the city council to rejuvenate the inner city business. So basically, at this moment we are developing a policy that strengthens both the innovative power and the competitiveness of the dynamic business clusters in the inner city of New York.
 
(Imagine the expression on Joey’s face.)

LISA (thoughts): Mental note: never ever invite a scientist again.

JOEY: Uh?

BALDMAN (He likes being the smartest, but that’s a characteristic of most scientists.:)): You see, based upon economic research…

(Joey cuts him off)

JOEY: You mean that you’re basing everything upon economics?

BALDMAN: Yes! We are using a couple of managerial and economic assumptions that form a framework which…

JOEY (astonished): Economics?

BALDMAN (he doesn’t get what Joey’s aiming at): Yeah?

JOEY: But economics is just a theory. I mean, there are a lot of fake theories out there. You’re a scientist, you know that.

[Cut to Ross’s apartment, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are watching Joey doing the interview.]

ROSS (shouting at the television): Oh – my – God! Joey, don’t say that! He’ll demolish you!

[Cut back to the television studio]

BALDMAN (smiles): Mister Tribbiani. We scientist have done a lot of research, and we know that our assumptions are correct.

JOEY: But, don’t you think that you’re assumptions are correct because you guys want them to be correct?

BALDMAN: Uh…

JOEY: You know, the German sociologist Thomas once stated that “If people define situations as real, they are real in their consequences.”

BALDMAN: Yeah, that’s right.

JOEY: So if you guys define a situation, in this case the economy, as real, you guys always get the results you want to.

BALDMAN (getting nervous): Uh…

JOEY: Yeah! You just agreed with me.
 
BALDMAN: Uh, did I?

JOEY: Oh yeah, you did. And maybe you know that Van Dongen once stated that “If people defines situations as different, their differences have real consequences,” right?

BALDMAN (confused): Uh, yes, he said that.

JOEY: So maybe the real world situation is very different from your framework, but you guys just don’t want to see it that way.

(Michael Baldman swallows.)

JOEY: So basically you guys are using a framework nobody knows it works but still you are using it for some inner city rejuvenation program, spending a lot of tax dollars?

BALDMAN (He’s now completely confused. Remember: never underestimate your discussion partner, even if it’s Joey Tribbiani.:)): Uhh…

JOEY: Thank you for this interview mister Baldman. We’ll be right back after the break with actress Karen DuPont.

DIRECTOR (off-screen): Okay, the commercial break started. Well done Joey!

BALDMAN (still shocked): How on earth did you come up with all these stuff?

(Joey smiles and shows him a small book titled “Post-modern bluffing for beginners.”)

[SCENE 5: Ross and Rachel’s apartment]

[Phoebe and Rachel are still watching TV, while Ross is reading a newspaper.]

RACHEL: I don’t understand how Joey knows all these things.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

RACHEL: You know, maybe he will finally get a real career, he’s doing great.

(Ross looks up from his newspaper.)

ROSS: Hey guys, look. (He shows them an ad) David Letterman’s Late Show has ran out of Top Ten lists, and now they pay everybody who submits a good Top Ten two thousand dollars.

(Note: I know, this is bullshit. I think they get enough Top Ten lists every week to fill another millennium of Late Shows, but it’s just for the sake of this script, okay? I just wanted a nice title, otherwise it would be The One Without A Weatherperson.:))

PHOEBE (enthusiastic): Oh cool! We should make a list.

ROSS: Yeah, like what?

PHOEBE (enthusiastic): Oh, I know! “Phoebe Buffay’s Ten Best Songs.”

ROSS: Uh, Pheebs. I think that that Top Ten should be understandable for the entire United States, not only for the happy few who’ve had the pleasure to see you live on stage in Central Perk.

PHOEBE: Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I should make a tour through America so other people can enjoy my music.

RACHEL: Oh yeah, you do that.

PHOEBE: Oh, I have another idea for a Top Ten! How about “The top ten signs that you’re cursed by a Romanian witch”?

ROSS (wise-ass): You mean, as opposed to being cursed by a Hungarian witch?

PHOEBE: No, of course not silly boy. Everybody knows that Hungarian witches don’t curse people anymore. The Hungarian government has raised an extra tax on cursing, making it very unprofitable. And you are a professor? You are so dumb!

(Ross is at a loss for words and looks confused, while Rachel desperately tries not to burst out in laughter.)

[SCENE 6: City Channel television studio, somewhere off-screen]

[The show’s director, Lisa Moore and Joey are discussing the show.]

DIRECTOR: Joey, there’s just one thing I can say. Congratulations, that was an excellent debut!

(Joey smiles satisfied.)

JOEY: Thank you.

LISA: You know, I think there’s a great future for you as a host.

DIRECTOR: Yeah, Lisa’s absolutely right. You’re gonna be the new hotshot of the City Channel.

JOEY: Thank you. I just have one question.

DIRECTOR: What’s it?

JOEY: How many women called for me?

DIRECTOR (looking at his notepad): According to our latest update two hundred and forty-one women called for you.

(Joey smiles happy now)

JOEY: And you guys wrote down their telephone numbers?

DIRECTOR: Of course, it was one of the clauses you wanted in your contract.

JOEY (happy): Oh boy!

DIRECTOR: Oh, and twenty-five men called for you.

(Joey shivers)

[SCENE 7: Monica and Rachel’s apartment]

(The apartment is empty. Rachel and Phoebe enter.)

RACHEL: Monica?

(Monica exits from the bathroom.)

MONICA: Hi.

RACHEL and PHOEBE: Hi.

(Rachel and Phoebe look questioning at Phoebe.)

MONICA: I was just cleaning the bathroom. I forgot to do it yesterday.

RACHEL: Talking about yesterday, what happened?

MONICA: Uh?

PHOEBE: You know, we said you had to talk to Chandler.

MONICA: Uh…

RACHEL: You didn’t?

MONICA: No. I didn’t dare to.

PHOEBE: Why? What happened?

(A flashback starts, it’s the last scene of The One With The Weatherman.)

(Chandler is coming from the stairs, he just got his mail. At the same time Monica exits her apartment with a garbage bag. They look at each other.)

CHANDLER: Uh, hi!

MONICA: Hi!

(Both don't say a word. They stare at each other. Finally Chandler breaks the silence.)

CHANDLER: I just got my mail.

MONICA: Uh, yeah. I am going to take out the trash.

(Both don’t say a word again.)

(Realising this is not gonna work Chandler enters his apartment while Monica walks towards the garbage room. Chandler closes the door of his apartment. Monica stops, turns around and looks at the door of Chandler and Joey’s apartment. She sighs, turns around again and walks towards the garbage room. Then the door of Chandler and Joey’s apartment opens, Chandler looks around, he doesn’t see Monica and closes the door again.)

[SCENE 8: City Channel television studio, somewhere off-screen]

[Joey is looking for the list with the telephone numbers with the women. He enters the studio’s switchboard room. Guess who’s sitting there?]

JOEY: Emily?

EMILY: Joey Tribbiani. You again.

JOEY: I thought they fired you yesterday after that autocue incident?

EMILY: No, they didn’t. I’m just not a director’s assistant any more. I am now one of the switchboard operators.

JOEY: So, do you have the list with interested women for me?

EMILY: Yes. (She hands him the list) You know, I haven’t had a break since the show started, so many women called.

JOEY (glancing through the list): Hillary Clinton?

EMILY: Just remember Tribbiani, one day I’ll get you.

JOEY (not really paying attention, still glancing through the list): Sure. Chelsea Clinton? I guess those Clintons are having a contest who can sleep with most people. (Yes, I know, that’s a very cheap shot.:))

(The director enters)

DIRECTOR: Joey, great news. Apparently someone from David Letterman’s Late Show saw you this morning, they want you to show up tonight in their show.

JOEY: Cool.

(Emily doesn’t react.)

DIRECTOR: Emily, don’t you think that it is polite to congratulate Joey?

EMILY: Oh yeah. Congratulations Joey.

(She shakes Joey’s hand, well, actually she squeezes his hand.)

JOEY: Aargh!

[SCENE 9: Chandler and Joey’s apartment]

[Chandler is sitting in one of the recliners, facing the back of the other recliner, talking to someone who’s sitting in the other recliner.]

CHANDLER: I’m sorry. Don’t you think that it is somehow possible to try again? I know I made a stupid mistake. And I know that you’re mad at me. But why don’t you even talk to me? I am sorry, you know that. Don’t you understand that I never wanted to hurt you? Please Monica, I can’t live without you.

(He gets up and turns the other recliner around. The chick (CHICK) is sitting in the recliner.)

CHANDLER: And?

CHICK: Tok. Tok.

(Or something like that. Dutch chickens say ‘tok.’ I don’t know about American chickens.)

CHANDLER: Yeah, I know. But do you have a better plan?

CHICK: Tok. Tok. Tok.

CHANDLER: Oh, come on Yasmine. I already did that, and it didn’t work. I just made a fool out of myself.

CHICK: Tok?

CHANDLER: Yeah! Of course.

CHICK: Tok! Tok! Tok!

CHANDLER: Maybe you’re right. But I chicken out when I even think of having to do that again.

CHICK (mad): Tok! Tok!

CHANDLER: You’re right Yasmine. I shouldn’t say “chicken out.” That’s a very stupid expression. I’m sorry, okay?

CHICK (satisfied): Tok.

[NON-COMMERCIAL BREAK]

[SCENE 10: Central Perk]

[Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting there, finishing their Top Ten list.]

ROSS: So, are we all happy now with this list?

PHOEBE: Yeah, although I think my idea for a list was better.

RACHEL: You mean “The ten most effective methods to destroy your relation.”

PHOEBE: Yeah!

ROSS: Nah, I think this one is better, you agree with me Rachel?

RACHEL: Oh yeah!

PHOEBE: Yeah, but still. I mean “You sleep with another woman and all you can say is ‘we were on a break!’” would be an excellent number one for my list.

RACHEL: Pheebs, please.

(Chandler enters, it looks like he’s in a hurry.)

CHANDLER: Where's Monica? Where is she? I need to talk to her! It's urgent! Is she here?

(Déjà vu?:))

RACHEL: She’s at the restaurant.

CHANDLER: Oh, okay. By the way, what are you guys doing?

ROSS: Oh, we’re making a list for David Letterman’s Top Ten.

CHANDLER: What’s the subject?

ROSS: “Ten signs that let you know that you are marrying the wrong woman.” (proud) I came up with that one.

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, because you know all about that.

(Ross looks hurt)

CHANDLER: Sorry, gotta go.

(He leaves Central Perk, while Joey enters Central Perk.)

JOEY: Hey pal!

CHANDLER: Hey.

(Chandler leaves)

JOEY: Hey!

ROSS, RACHEL and PHOEBE: Hi.

JOEY: Did you guys see me this morning?

ROSS, RACHEL and PHOEBE: Oh yeah. You were great. (etc.)

JOEY: Thank you.

PHOEBE: By the way, you’re late. We thought you only had to work in the morning.

JOEY: Oh no Phoebe. You see, I am not only a host, I also do some work on the show’s redaction. And I had to make a number of important phone calls.

PHOEBE: Well, that must’ve been a hell of a lot of important phone calls.

JOEY: Oh yeah!

RACHEL: How many calls did you have to make?

JOEY: Two hundred and forty-one.

PHOEBE: What! Why on earth do you have to make so many phone calls?

JOEY: Uhh… (quickly changing the subject) AND, I’m gonna be on the Late Show tonight!

RACHEL: You mean David Letterman’s Late Show?

JOEY (enthusiastic): Yeah!

ROSS, RACHEL and PHOEBE: Wow!

JOEY: I know! Hey, are you guys coming with me tonight? I can get you guys backstage.

PHOEBE: Oh, cool!

RACHEL: Oh, sorry Joey. We can’t go, Ross booked a restaurant. But we’ll be back in time to watch the show on television, okay?

ROSS: Yeah, that’s right. We gotta go. I booked at seven and we don’t wanna be late.

RACHEL: Okay, bye guys.

ROSS: See ya.

PHOEBE and JOEY: Bye!

(Ross and Rachel leave Central Perk.)

PHOEBE: This is so cool, you’re gonna be on television!

JOEY: Pheebs, I was on television this morning.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but this is national television. I mean, the whole country is gonna see you!

JOEY: Yeah, isn’t that great?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah. Hey, do you think that it’s possible to let me perform in the Late Show? I am thinking of making a tour through the States, and this would be a good start.

JOEY: Uh, I don’t think that’s possible Pheebs. Madonna is gonna sing her latest song tonight.

PHOEBE: Madonna, Madonna. What does she have that I don’t have?

JOEY: Talent?

PHOEBE (getting angry): What?

JOEY (Oops…): I mean, talent… to suck up to the show’s director.

PHOEBE: Yeah, that’s something all those beginning artists do.

[SCENE 11: Monica’s restaurant]

[Well, it’s actually Allesandro’s restaurant. Any way, Monica is in the kitchen giving instructions to the other kitchen workers.]

MONICA: You, make that mousse. And you (points at another worker), you really should work faster. Oh God! Do I have to do everything by myself?

KITCHEN WORKER: If that’s possible.

MONICA (getting pissed): What?

(One of the waiters (WAITER) enters.)

WAITER: Uh, Monica. There’s a customer who wants to talk to you.

MONICA: Why?

WAITER: Maybe it has something to do with the food?

MONICA: All right, I’ll go see him.

(She leaves the kitchen.)

(Monica returns.)

MONICA: What table?

WAITER: Number twelve.

MONICA: Okay.

(She leaves the kitchen again.)

(Cut to the restaurant. Monica exits from the kitchen, looking around. She walks towards table twelve. We can’t see the customer’s face, because some big plant is blocking our view.)

MONICA: Excuse me. You wanted to talk to me?

(Camera cuts to the customer, we now see his face.)

RICHARD: Hi Monica.

[SCENE 12: Another restaurant]

[Ross and Rachel are eating dinner.]

RACHEL: So, how was your work today?

ROSS: Oh, just the usual stuff.

(A flashback starts: Ross’s day at the university.)

(Ross is giving another lecture, this time in a small lecture room for a small group of students.)

ROSS (voice-over): I was giving a tutorial for a number of students about the different methods of determining the age of fossils when suddenly a student entered.

(A student (STUDENT) enters.)

STUDENT: Hi, sorry I’m late.

ROSS: Well, uh, excuse me. Do you have any good reason for being late? I don’t like people being late.

STUDENT: Oh, come on professor Geller. It’s palaeontology we’re talking about, it’s not like those bones will run away.

ROSS: I also don’t like it when you talk about palaeontology like that.

STUDENT: Sorry, I know it’s a very interesting study.

ROSS: Yes, that’s right.

STUDENT: I mean, when you study palaeontology you know that you’re having a wonderful and exciting career perspective.

ROSS (getting annoyed): Then why are you studying palaeontology?

STUDENT: Oh, I studied sociology first, but I didn’t like the colour of the building, so I switched to psychology, but the food in the student cafeteria was terrible. After that I decided to switch to history, but the dean of the faculty had a bad breath, so now I’m studying palaeontology.

ROSS: I don’t like students who are so unmotivated. If that’s your attitude you shouldn’t expect to pass this course as long as I am teaching it.

STUDENT (shrugs): So? I have a lot of patience.

ROSS (annoyed now): Get out! Get out! Get out!

(The student leaves the lecture room, but comes back.)

STUDENT: You know? I think I’m gonna switch to literary history. The teachers at this faculty use way too much hair gel.

[SCENE 13: Backstage at the Late Show]

[Joey and Phoebe are sitting backstage, waiting. Phoebe has brought her guitar.]

PHOEBE: Are you nervous?

JOEY: No, why would I be nervous?

PHOEBE: Well, maybe because of all those people watching you?

JOEY: So? I’ve been doctor Ramoray on Days Of Our Lives, remember?

PHOEBE: Yeah, of course. Oh, that’s gonna be weird. All those people think you’re dead, the whole country will be shocked.

(David Letterman (LETTERMAN) enters the room.)

LETTERMAN: Ah, mister Tribbiani, nice to meet you!

JOEY: The pleasure is all mine mister Letterman.

(They shake hands.)

LETTERMAN: And who’s this lovely woman?

JOEY: That’s one of my friends, Phoebe Buffay.

(Letterman kisses her hand. Phoebe giggles.)

LETTERMAN: Nice to meet you Phoebe. Now Joey, let’s talk about tonight’s show.

(David Letterman and Joey walk away. Paul Shaffer (SHAFFER), he’s the leader of the Late Show’s band, enters the room.)

SHAFFER: Hi.

PHOEBE: Hi.

SHAFFER (pointing at Phoebe’s guitar): You’re a musician?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah! Do you want me to play something.

SHAFFER (shrugs): Sure!

PHOEBE (singing):
There was a girl, a stupid bitch
she thought she was the best
But when she sang there was a hitch
and so I kicked her ass
Lalalalalalalalalalala.

PHOEBE: You liked that?

SHAFFER (not convinced): Yeah.

PHOEBE: That’s great! I have a lot of other songs. You wanna hear them?

SHAFFER: Uhh…

(Phoebe starts jamming on her guitar.)

PHOEBE (singing): Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they…

SHAFFER (in horror): Stop!

PHOEBE: What?

SHAFFER: I mean, I have to go. I have to do some rehearsals with the band. But you can come with me, I’ll introduce you to the band members.

PHOEBE: Okay.

(Paul Shaffer heaves a sigh of relief.)

[SCENE 14: Another restaurant]

[Ross and Rachel have finished their dinner and are about to leave the restaurant. At the same time Emily and her husband, probably Colin (COLIN), enter the restaurant.]

ROSS (surprised): Emily?

EMILY (also surprised): Ross?

(Both Rachel and Colin have a worried look on their face.)

EMILY: I’m gonna have dinner here.

ROSS: Ah, I just had dinner here.

EMILY (notices Rachel): So, you’re back with Rachel now?

ROSS: Yes, I LOVE her.

EMILY: That’s great, I’m back with Colin, we’re married, and I’ve never met a man that made me happier than him.

ROSS: Really? Congratulations.

EMILY: I gotta go. I’m hungry.

ROSS: Okay, have fun!

(Emily and Colin enter the restaurant.)

COLIN: So, that’s Ross.

EMILY: Yeah.

COLIN: You still like him?

EMILY: No way, he’s a loser. If I ever meet him on the streets at night I’ll kick his ass.

(Cut to Ross and Rachel, outside the restaurant.)

RACHEL: So, Emily?

ROSS: Mmm.

RACHEL (worried): Please don’t tell me you still like her.

ROSS: Like her? I hate that bitch.

(Rachel looks relieved)

ROSS: You’re the only one Rachel.

RACHEL: Really?

ROSS: Yes Rach, really.

(They kiss, the screen fades to scene 15.)

[SCENE 15: Monica’s restaurant]

[Monica is standing next to Richard.]

MONICA: Richard, what are you doing here?

RICHARD: Well, I wanted to have dinner and I thought, why not go to Allesandro’s?

MONICA: Oh, any complaints?

RICHARD: No, it’s perfect.

MONICA: Thank you, then why did you ask me to come?

RICHARD: I, uh, I wanted to know how you were doing.

MONICA: And you expect me to believe that? Does Jenny know you’re here?

RICHARD: Jenny and I broke up.

MONICA: I’m sorry.

RICHARD: That’s okay. We didn’t connect, you know. Like you and I connected.

(He grabs Monica’s hand.)

RICHARD: I still love you Monica. Why don’t we try again?

(Cut to Chandler, entering the restaurant. He sees Richard, holding Monica’s hand. Chandler leaves the restaurant. Monica notices Chandler leaving.)

MONICA: Chandler! Wait!

[SCENE 16: The Late Show]

[Yes, The Late Show, with David Letterman. Just imagine how realistic this is: a CBS show in an NBC program. But who cares about that? :)]

LETTERMAN: Welcome back ladies and gentleman. I hope you enjoyed the commercial break. Our next guest is an actor, and he’s also the new and rising star of New York City’s local television station the City Channel. Ladies and gentlemen: Joseph Tribbiani.

(The audience goes wild, Joey enters the stage.)

LETTERMAN: Welcome Joseph.

(They shake hands, Joey sits down in the chair next to David.)

JOEY: Hi David, nice to meet you.

LETTERMAN: Joseph. You made a slamming debut this morning on the City Channel.

JOEY: Yeah, thank you.

LETTERMAN: But let’s talk about your career first. You once were a very promising actor in Days of our Lives.

JOEY: Yes, that’s right.

LETTERMAN: What happened?

JOEY: I fell down an elevator shaft so now I’m dead.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, but why?

JOEY: Oh, you know. Writers are just very vain people. In an interview with Soap Opera Digest I told I wrote my own lines, and they didn’t like that.

LETTERMAN: So they dropped you in an elevator shaft?

JOEY: Yeah.

LETTERMAN: Well, maybe it wasn’t that bad.

JOEY: What do you mean?

LETTERMAN: Just think of what would happen if they really hated you. You were one of the most popular characters of the show. They would probably change you to some weeny, depressed loser for at least a year, so all the viewers would start hating you.

JOEY: Yeah, that’s possible. But you know, that’s always a problem with these writers. They think that they are the most important part of the show. They don’t care about the audience, they don’t care about realism or continuation. They’re just thinking that they rule their own little kingdom, and all we have to do is accept that. But they’re not so important, any nutcase can write a soap opera.

LETTERMAN: Yeah, you’re right. Although I must say that for the Late Show the writers are very important.

JOEY: Really?

LETTERMAN: Yeah, because I write all my lines myself.

JOEY (impressed): Really? You make up all those jokes yourself?

LETTERMAN (proud): Oh yeah!

(Suddenly the real writers of the Late Show enter the stage, carrying baseball bats.)

JOEY: Who are those people?

LETTERMAN: Uh.

(One of the writers (WRITER-1) speaks up.)

WRITER-1: David, you’re writing all these lines yourself?

DAVID: Uh, John, I’m sorry, okay? Ladies and Gentleman, John Gedailovich, one of the writers of the show.

WRITER-1: Kill that hypocrite!

(The writers storm toward David Letterman, who quickly jumps up.)

LETTERMAN: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be right back after the break.

(He quickly runs of the stage, followed by the writers.)

[SCENE 17: A street, somewhere in New York]

[Thank God there are so many commercial breaks in those talk shows. Now we have some time to see what’s going on with Chandler and Monica.:)]

[Chandler walks on the street, somewhere outside Allesandro’s. Monica runs after him.]

MONICA: Chandler, wait.

(Chandler turns around. He looks depressed.)

MONICA: Chandler.

CHANDLER: It’s okay Monica. I understand. I have no right to say anything.

MONICA: What are you talking about?

CHANDLER: You and Richard.

MONICA: Chandler, there is no me and Richard.

CHANDLER: Really?

MONICA: Yes! And I think we need to talk.

CHANDLER: Yeah, you’re right.

MONICA: You know that I am very mad at you, right?

CHANDLER: Yes, I know Monica. And I’m sorry.

MONICA: Mmm.

CHANDLER: Monica, please, you’ve got to understand: I never wanted to hurt you. You’re the only one I truly love.

MONICA: And you’re the only one for me. I’m mad at you, but I still love you.

(Chandler gets a small box (RINGBOX) out of his pocket. The audience in the studio goes wild, but Monica doesn’t notice.)

MONICA: Really Chandler. But you must understand that you’ve hurted me a lot. I really wanna try again, but let’s not go too fast, okay?

CHANDLER: Okay.

MONICA: I love you Chandler.

CHANDLER: I love you Monica.

(They hug, while Chandler drops the ring box into a trash can.)

RINGBOX: Kabeng!

MONICA (breaking the hug, looking around): What’s that noise?

CHANDLER: Oh, nothing I guess. Maybe it’s the sound of my worries falling off me.

(Cut to the bottom of the trashcan.)

RINGBOX: Yuck! Liar!

(Cut back to Chandler and Monica.)

MONICA (touched): Oh, sweetie.

(They kiss.)

(The screen fades to black.)

[CLOSING CREDITS]

[SCENE 18: The Late Show]

(Back to The Late Show with David Letterman. Letterman enters the stage.)

LETTERMAN (straightening his suit): Scum. Any way, welcome back. And now ladies and gentlemen tonight’s top ten.

(The audience goes wild.)

LETTERMAN (to Paul Shaffer): Paul, help me to remember to hire new writers tomorrow, will ya?

SHAFFER: Sure.

LETTERMAN: Tonight’s top ten has been put together by a couple of people calling themselves friends, Ross Geller, Rachel Green and Phoebe Buffay from New York.

(The audience goes wild again. I won’t mention it in the rest of this scene. Just imagine the audience goes wild every time Letterman finishes a line.)

LETTERMAN: Tonight’s top ten ladies and gentlemen. “Ten signs that you’re marrying the wrong woman.”

LETTERMAN: At number ten. “She places the ring on your finger and after that you notice your watch is gone.”

LETTERMAN: Number nine. “She shows up on your bachelor’s party, saying to your best man: ‘Hi, I’m the stripper you called for.’”

LETTERMAN: Number eight. “You say ‘I do’ and she says ‘thank you, do you want fries with that?’ – ‘Sorry, force of habit.’”

LETTERMAN: Number seven. “You want to put the wedding ring on her finger and you notice there is already one.”

LETTERMAN: Number six. “During the reception twelve of her ex-husbands shake your hand, and all they say is ‘see you next wedding.’”

LETTERMAN: At number five. “It’s five minutes before the wedding and she runs off with the maid of honour.”

LETTERMAN: Number four. “A camera crew from Sixty Minutes wants to film the wedding, but they don’t want to tell you why.”

LETTERMAN: Number three. “Her parents burp ‘welcome to the family, we hope you like garlic.’”

LETTERMAN: Number two. “She is eight months pregnant and her father is pointing a gun at you during the ceremony.”

LETTERMAN: And at number one ladies and gentlemen, in tonight’s top ten “signs that you’re marrying the wrong woman” “During the vows you say the name of your ex girlfriend.”

LETTERMAN: What kind of sick people come up with something like this?

[THE END]

Okay, that’s it. And I am not gonna write another sequel. :)
A note about the Top Ten. I know some – ahem! – of the entries are pretty lame but how about these: “You lift the veil and she says ‘sorry honey, I forgot to shave this morning,’” “During the ceremony she says ‘you look better when I’m drunk,’” or “She says ‘Yes I do’ and she mumbles ‘wanna have a lot of alimony.’” So the final result isn’t that bad. :)

DISCLAIMER: The characters in this script are the property of David Krane, Marta Kaufmann and Kevin Bright. No infringement of their copyright is intended. The exception of course is The Late Show, Paul Shaffer and David Letterman, but again no infringement of copyright is intended. In other words: please don’t sue me.

Written by TFK on March 28th, 1999.