The One Where There's Something About Chandler

Written by: Firestorm17

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

{Yes, I do know that this is a very weird title. Don't worry, Chandler & Monica fans; it doesn't mean what it sounds like. What it does mean is that like Cameron Diaz in a certain movie, our Chandler is amazingly attractive to the strange and annoying. This will be demonstrated using a major annoyance who we all thought had gone away. That's right; this fanfic is The Return of Janice. Let the screaming out of sync with one's lip movements begin. This is also the point at which I will begin to introduce Robyn's insane family. They are very loosely based on my own family. This fanfic introduces Robyn's little brother Tyler, who is loosely based on my little sister. The major differences between the two are that Tyler is much more annoying, has a greater tendency to make mistakes, and is a guy. (I'm saying this because my sister is a huge "Friends" fan, too, and she might read this.) Also, in my real life, I'm not all that good at teasing my sister about the guys she likes. Robyn is much better at bothering her brother about the guys he likes. This brings me to my standard warning: if you have a problem with alternative lifestyles, please find an alternative to reading this. Now everybody who I haven't scared off, please enjoy this fanfic.}

[The stairs in the apartment building. Robyn is coming down the stairs and bumps into someone else who is going up.]

ROBYN: Oh, hi, I'm Robyn. Are you new to this building? Because I don't remember seeing you. (The woman turns to look at Robyn, letting the audience see that it's Janice.)

JAN: No, I don't live here. I'm just looking for someone. Would you know if Joey Tribbiani still lives here?

ROBYN: Oh, no. Would this be in reference to something on the news last night?

JAN: Maybe.

ROBYN: I thought so. I should probably tell you what he's telling all the other reporters. He's not giving any interviews.

JAN: I'm not a reporter. I'm really sort of a friend.

ROBYN: Oh, God. Please don't tell me that you're one of those poor women who used to go out with Joey.

JAN: Me with Joey? I wish. I just used to go out with his old roommate.

ROBYN: (Now she's confused.) Joey's old roommate?

JAN: Come on. He must have told you something about Chandler.

ROBYN: (She's wondering what the odds are of there being two people named Chandler who have both lived with Joey Tribbiani.) Chandler?

JAN: You know, Chandler Bing? The one who moved to Yemen?

ROBYN: (She's now using her best "humoring the psychopath" voice.) Oh, right. Chandler was the one who moved to Yemen. Sorry, but I'm really bad with names.

JAN: That's all right. So, is Joey home?

ROBYN: Actually, no, he's not. He had a date last night, and he, you know, hasn't come home yet.

JAN: Say no more. I'll come back later.

ROBYN: Later. (Fake-smiling, she watches Janice leave.) What the hell am I doing standing here? (She does a one-person stampede up the stairs.)

Opening theme.

[Joey and Chandler's apartment. Someone is practically hammering on the door. Chandler enters the scene from the bathroom. He's been in the shower and is wearing a bathrobe that really doesn't cover much. He makes a beeline for the door and answers it to find Robyn.]

CHAN: Okay, what was so important you had to get me out of the shower?

ROBYN: (She's a bit distracted by the whole "Chandler being half naked" thing.) Could you give me a minute there? (Chandler sighs and starts to close the door.) Wait, wait, wait. (Chandler finishes closing the door, and Robyn raises her voice.) Okay, fine. I just thought you'd like to know that there's some nutcase who thinks you're in Yemen downstairs! (At this, Chandler yanks the door back open.)

CHAN: (He now looks more scared than anyone has ever been.) What did you just say?!

ROBYN: I said that there's some lunatic downstairs who thinks you're in Yemen.

CHAN: I heard you that first time! Oh God, what am I going to do? (He starts pacing the room.)

ROBYN: Chandler, calm down. This isn't that big a deal.

CHAN: Not that big a deal?! Damn it; it's Janice!

ROBYN: Let me guess: (singing badly) you love her?

CHAN: (He doesn't bother to get it.) I used to. The problem is that she thinks I still love her. What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

ROBYN: Well, you should start by closing your robe, because I can kind of see your Empire State Building, if you know what I mean.

CHAN: (He looks down and turns red.) Oh. (He closes the robe. Author's note: yes, I know I'm overdoing it with the Chandler nudity, but between this show, "NYPD Blue", and "Survivor", TV so needs some Non-Ugly Naked Guys)

[Jeff's apartment. Joey is getting dressed for his day, and Jeff is sitting up in bed, watching him.]

JEFF: Joey, I can't say this enough, but it was great what you did at that coffee house yesterday.

JOEY: It was?

JEFF: Oh, yeah. I just feel so free, now that we don't have to keep it a secret anymore. Don't you.

JOEY: Definitely. I hated lying to my friends that way.

JEFF: I know. Now, the question is: what are we going to do now?

JOEY: (He thinks he knows with one.) We're going to Disney World? (Jeff rolls his eyes at Joey.)

[Chandler and Joey's apartment. Robyn and Chandler are discussing the whole Janice issue. Chandler has put actual clothes on, unfortunately.]

ROBYN: So what's the deal with this Janice woman anyway?

CHAN: We used to go out, (pause) and I broke up with her.

ROBYN: Wow, that's a lot simpler than I thought it would be.

CHAN: We got set up together, (pause) and I broke up with her.

ROBYN: Well, that isn't too bad.

CHAN: She got married.

ROBYN: That's great. A little time apart can really-

CHAN: (He finishes his thought.) And I broke up with her.

ROBYN: (She is understandably freaked out by all this.) Oh. (A deeply disturbing thought hits her.) Wait a minute. She didn't- You didn't- You two didn't get married to each other, right?

CHAN: (laughing) No, of course not.

ROBYN: (She starts to calm down.) Good, that's good.

CHAN: She said no.

ROBYN: (She's still trying to remain calm.) Okay, I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible: (shouting) were you out of your mind?

CHAN: Funny, that's exactly what Joey said.


[Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe are all gathered around Joey and Jeff, and they're talking together.]

MON: How about here?

JEFF: I don't know. This place doesn't really say "party", does it?

MON: I guess not. (Everyone continues to brainstorm.)

ROSS: I've got it. What do you think of the YMCA? (As nobody likes this joke, everyone gives Ross a look.) What? I hear it's fun.

JEFF: All right, does anyone have a real idea? (At this point, Robyn and Chandler walk in the door and over to their friends.)

CHAN: Hey guys. What's up?

JOEY: We're trying to find someplace to have my coming-out party.

ROBYN: (She effects a goofy, falsetto version of a British accent.) Heavens, has the Season at Court started already? (The joke fails miserably. She only gets courtesy laughs and takes a seat very quickly.)

CHAN: Man, I am so glad you beat me to that joke!

ROBYN: You were actually going to make that joke? (Everybody looks at Chandler as if he were very strange.)

CHAN: (Embarrassed, he tries to explain.) Hey, when your mom writes romance novels, you pick these things up. (Everyone is still looking at Chandler.) Oh, never mind. (He takes the seat next to Monica.)

MON: (She puts her arm around Chandler.) Did anyone ever tell you you're cute when you're embarrassed? (She gives him a little kiss.)

CHAN: Really? I'll have to say things like that more often. (Monica and Chandler kiss again.)

ROBYN: (She's trying to change the subject.) So, are you guys having any luck finding a place for the party?

JOEY: No, you have any ideas?

ROBYN: Well, I've got one that involves Brad Pitt, whip cream, and hot fudge, (pause) but you probably meant ideas for the party.

JOEY: Yeah, pretty much.

ROBYN: Well, maybe- No, forget it.

JEFF: What?

ROBYN: It's just that my brother owns a club in the East Village. He says it's pretty cool, and he sort of owes me.

MON: Why does your brother owe you?

ROBYN: Well, for starters, when we were kids, I told Mom and Dad that it was my idea to put Barbie's clothes on his GI Joe.

JEFF: So which place are we talking about?

ROBYN: The He-Man Woman-Haters' Club.

JEFF: Your brother owns The He-Man Woman-Haters' Club?

ROBYN: He wanted people to call him Spanky.

JEFF: You really think he'll let us have our party there?

ROBYN: All I have to do is call him. (She gets up.)

RACH: Don't you have your cell phone with you?

ROBYN: Yeah, but my brother won't take my calls when they aren't on a (air quotes) "secure line". (Everyone gives her a look.) Yeah, I think it's nuts too.

[Robyn's apartment. She's making a phone call on the phone that plugs into the wall.]

ROBYN: Come on, Tyler. Pick up. I know you're there.

TYLER: (on the answering machine) You're reached Tyler Banks. I'm not home right now; so leave a message at the beep. (beep)

ROBYN: Tyler, pick up. It's your sister. You know, the one who could have told Mom that back in high school, your last name wasn't the reason everybody called you "Sperm". (Tyler picks up, and the picture splits to show him on the other end of the line. Tyler is played by Chris Kattan from SNL.)

TYLER: Whoa. Cut it out, will you? Can you imagine what would have happened if Mom had been here?

ROBYN: You still screen when Mom's there?

TYLER: Well. . .

ROBYN: Even after you had to convince her that guy's name was Horatio?

TYLER: So why are you calling me?

ROBYN: This guy I know just came out and I was wondering-

TYLER: Robyn, for the four thousandth time, you cannot turn somebody gay!

ROBYN: I wasn't dating him, Tyler.

TYLER: Sure you weren't.

ROBYN: The guys works in the theater, he has birds as pets, and he lives with a guy who wears sweater-vests. Give me a little credit here.

TYLER: Sorry. Even you aren't that dumb.

ROBYN: I'll assume that was an apology. Anyway, we're having a coming-out party for him tonight, and I was wondering . . .

TYLER: If I would let you hold it at my place?

ROBYN: Would you?

TYLER: For two hundred I would.

ROBYN: One hundred.

TYLER: One fifty, and you watch my pets when I'm in Vail with Annie.

ROBYN: Done. How does eight o'clock sound?

TYLER: A lot like this. (He imitates a clock striking eight.) Just kidding. Eight works for me.

ROBYN: Good. Meet me at Central Perk in the Village at 10:30 to work out the details. By the way, exactly when are you planning to tell our parents that "Annie" is short for Antonio?

TYLER: Not in this lifetime, princess. (He hangs up.)

[Central Perk. Everyone still there making party plans.]

MON: And I could also make finger sandwiches. Unless you don't think that's fancy enough, Joey.

CHAN: Monica, think about what you just said. I'm sure anything with the word "sandwich" in the name will be fine. (Robyn enters and joins them.)

ROBYN: I just got off the phone with my brother.

PHOEBE: You are so lucky. Whenever I get on the phone, I fall right off.

ROBYN: (She really doesn't want to pursue that.) Anyway, he said we could have the party at his club.

JEFF: Really? How did you manage that?

ROBYN: Well, he is my brother. He'd do anything for me.

MON: Again, how did you manage that?

ROBYN: Just the normal brother/sister stuff: love, mutual respect, blackmail. . .

RACH: Blackmail?

ROBYN: Sure, Tyler would do anything to keep our mother from finding out that, for example, he really does read Playboy for the articles. (While everybody is laughing, Robyn notices something truly horrible. Janice has just walked in the front door.) Chandler, do you want to get more coffee?

CHAN: Okay, sure. (Robyn leads him by the hand in the wrong direction.) Where are we going? The coffee's that way. (He points without looking.)

ROBYN: Yeah, but so is she.

CHAN: (He looks, sees Janice and freaks out.) Oh, God. What is she doing here?

ROBYN: Getting a mocha latte.

CHAN: That isn't funny.

ROBYN: Okay, I'll stall Janice. You just get out of here.

CHAN: Sounds like a plan. (Robyn goes over to the counter where Janice is getting her coffee.)

ROBYN: (to Gunther) French vanilla cappuccino, please. (to Janice) Oh, hi again. Small world, isn't it?

[Meanwhile, Chandler has rejoined the others.]

CHAN: Monica, isn't today the day we do laundry together?

MON: No, silly. That's Tuesday.

CHAN: Well, I was thinking that maybe we could do some laundry right now.

MON: Okay, but it's going to throw my whole week- (She gets it.) Oh. (She smiles at Chandler, and the two of them head for the door.) You know, now that everybody knows about us, you can call it sex. (They leave.)

[Robyn is still stalling Janice.]

ROBYN: So you're divorced? Me too.

JAN: Really?

ROBYN: Three times.

JAN: Ouch. I'm sorry.

ROBYN: Don't be. I'm over the last guy, and I think I was really mature about it.

JAN: What did you do?

ROBYN: (completely serious) I kept the ring and gave him the finger. (Janice laughs as only she can. A step behind her, Robyn shudders. under her breath) Chandler, you so owe me.

JAN: What did you say?

ROBYN: I said I think I see some of my friends. (She quickly checks to make sure Chandler is gone.) Hey guys. You all know Janice, right? (By the friends' horrified expressions, it's obvious that they do.)

ALL: Hi, Janice.

JAN: Hi, everybody. I'm sorry I haven't stopped by before.

JOEY: That's okay. Really.

JAN: No, it's not. Just because my Bing-a-ling is in Yemen doesn't mean I can't hang out with his friends. (She does the laugh again, causing everybody to wince.)

ROBYN: Excuse me; what?

JAN: I always used to call Chandler my Bing-a-ling.

ROBYN: Okay. (She's very sorry she asked.)

PHOEBE: Hmm. Does anyone else have Chuck Berry in their head right now?

RACH: Which song do you mean, Pheebs?

PHOEBE: "Johnny B. Goode", what else?


[Central Perk. They've been stuck there for an hour with Janice.]

JAN: So after I saw you on the news last night, I just had to come see you in person. By the way, why did you come out on national TV anyway? (Joey turns bright red and looks at his shoes.)

JEFF: He didn't exactly know that he was on candid camera.

JOEY: I still smiled, though.

JAN: Well, good for you anyway.

PHOEBE: So Janice, are you seeing anybody right now?

JAN: What?! Of course not!

RACH: Why not? You're a young woman. Come on. Get out there! Date!

JAN: Rachel! You're telling me to cheat on one of your best friends?

ROSS: Janice, the guy is three thousand miles away.

ROBYN: What he doesn't know isn't going to hurt him.

JAN: I can't believe you guys. I suppose you think Chandler's sleeping with other people over in Yemen! (Conversation stops dead.)

RACH: Would you look at the time? I've got a meeting in fifteen minutes. I'll see you guys later. (She leaves.)

JEFF: We'd better get going too, Joey. We're going to be late for work. (They leave.)

PHOEBE: It looks like I'm on. (She leaves the group to start singing.)

ROSS: (He gets up to leave.) Dental appointment, sorry. (He leaves.)

JAN: Well, that was definitely weird. Right, Robyn?

ROBYN: (Her beeper goes off.) Oh, that's me. (She looks at it.) Sorry, I have to take this. (She leaves, leaving Janice there by herself. Right after she leaves, her brother Tyler comes in, looking for her.)

TYLER: (to Janice) Is anybody sitting here?

JAN: Go right ahead. (Tyler takes a seat.)

TYLER: Thanks. My sister told me to meet her here. Actually, she said to meet her about half an hour ago, but I didn't want to miss Regis. (He raises his voice.) Robyn! I know you're in here. Stop pretending you don't know me! I'm sure you don't want me to tell all these people what you and your first husband did on the craps table at Circus Circus! (deflated) I guess she really isn't here.

JAN: You wouldn't be looking for Robyn Banks. Would you?

TYLER: You know my sister?

JAN: She was just here, but she got beeped.

TYLER: How funny. That's exactly what happened at Circus Circus. (Janice laughs as only she can.)

JAN: So what were you going to see her about?

TYLER: I'm helping her throw a coming-out party for a friend tonight.

JAN: A coming-out party?

TYLER: That's what our people do to say "You're here; you're queer; have a beer."

JAN: No, I meant that Robyn didn't say anything about that to me.

TYLER: I don't know why not. You're a great girl. Oh, I think I know what happened. She was probably about to invite you when she got the page and had to leave.

JAN: You think so?

TYLER: I know so. Robyn's a little flaky that way.

JAN: (skeptical) She's flaky?

TYLER: Like a croissant. Listen, the party's at the He-Man Woman-Hater's Club in the East Village at eight. See you then.

JAN: All right. I'll see you. (She leaves. A few moments later, Robyn returns.)

ROBYN: (to Tyler) Hey, little brother. Where the heck have you been?

TYLER: Oh, just around.

ROBYN: Wait a minute. When you came in, there wasn't a very strange woman sitting right there; was there?

TYLER: (He apparently has a very strange definition of the word "strange".) Um, no.

ROBYN: Good, because right before I left, I was talking to a real psycho.

TYLER: Really?

ROBYN: Yeah, she was totally nuts. After about an hour, I set off my beeper just to get away from her.

TYLER: Wow. Then it's a good thing I didn't see her.

ROBYN: You're right there. I know I never want to see that nutcase again. (pause) I'm going to go get some coffee. You want any?

TYLER: Sure. Latte would be great.

ROBYN: Okay. Now, when I get back, we can talk about the party. (She goes to get coffee.)

TYLER: (to Robyn) Okay! (to himself) I am so screwed, (beat) and not in a good way.

[Central Perk. It's about two hours later. Tyler and Robyn have gone over everything. Phoebe has been "helping".]

PHOEBE: Won't you at least consider my idea?

TYLER: Phoebe, I really would, but "anatomically correct" as a party theme is not, as Martha would say, "a good thing".

PHOEBE: (She sort of gets it.) Oh, so is this Martha your girlfriend?

ROBYN: You could say that.

TYLER: (He gives his sister a look.) I think we're done here. I'll see you guys at the club.

ROBYN: Okay.

TYLER: (Excited) I can't believe I'm really going to meet Joey Tribbiani.

ROBYN: Take it down a notch, Ty. He's spoken for.

TYLER: I know. Why are all the good guys taken?

ROBYN: Oh, they're not all taken.

TYLER: They're not?

ROBYN: Some of them are straight.

TYLER: I hate you. (He storms away.)

[Monica and Chandler come in the door with goofy smiles on their faces.]

ROBYN: Hey guys, get a lot of "laundry" done?

MON: Oh, about seven loads.

ROBYN: Seven?

PHOEBE: Oh, that's such a lucky number.

MON: You bet it is!

ROBYN: For real, seven?

CHAN: Spin cycle and everything.

ROBYN: Okay, we really don't need that image.

PHOEBE: Do you know what's weird? Right after you left, Janice showed up.

CHAN: Really? Janice as in my ex-girlfriend Janice?

PHOEBE: Yeah, that's her.

CHAN: Oh, my God.

ROBYN: What's wrong with her anyway?

CHAN: You're going to have to be a lot more specific.

ROBYN: Okay, for starters, why does she think you're in Yemen?

PHOEBE: Because that's where he said he was going. Duh! (Robyn looks at Chandler in disbelief.)

CHAN: Thanks a lot, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: (She so doesn't get it.) Any time.


[Robyn's brother's club, The He-Man Woman-Haters' Club. There are about a hundred people there. Joey and Jeff walk in, holding hands. Robyn walks up to them.]

ROBYN: Hey, guys. Where have you been? We've been looking all over for you.

JEFF: Sorry we're late. It took forever to find a space.

JOEY: We had to park in front of the bakery down the street.

ROBYN: You mean the H.M.S. Petit Four? That's three blocks from here!

JEFF: I know. This place is packed.

ROBYN: Okay, guys. This is your night, so have fun.

JOEY: I'm so nervous. I've never been in a place like this before, and-

ROBYN: The sandwiches are over there. (She points.)

JOEY: I'll be right back. (He goes off in search of sandwich.)

[At this point, Chandler spots them and starts through the crowd toward them. Because most of the crowd is less than "aware" at the moment and because Chandler is very attractive, this sets off whistles, catcalls, and that sort of thing.]

GUY #1: (to Chandler) Hey, sexy. If I said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?

CHAN: (He's a little past humiliated right now.) Like I haven't heard that one a million times.

GUY #2: Hi. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

CHAN: (He keeps walking.) Yeah, that's real funny.

GUY #3: Excuse me. Did it hurt?

CHAN: (extremely annoyed) What?

GUY #3: When you fell from heaven.

CHAN: (He keeps walking, without bothering to answer that. Then, he suddenly jumps.) Hey, hands to yourselves!

GUY #4: All right, that's enough. (to Chandler) Don't you hate these places?

ROBYN: (She comes over to rescue Chandler.) Game over, guys. This one's already taken. (The guys groan.) What can I tell you? You snooze, you lose. (She and Chandler walk away from these guys.)

CHAN: Tell me something. Why is it that everyone thinks I'm gay? (Robyn and Chandler find Jeff in the crowd.)

JEFF: Oh, cool. We're wearing the same sweater-vest.

ROBYN: That answer your question?

JEFF: I'm going to go find Joey.

ROBYN: Well, he's right over there. (Jeff leaves. Robyn turns to Chandler.) I still can't believe you would do something like that.

CHAN: Would you let it go?

ROBYN: You lied to a woman about moving overseas. Do you have any idea what will do to your karma?

CHAN: I've already thought this through.

ROBYN: Fine, just so you realize that this is going to come back and bite you in the butt.

CHAN: Believe me; I'm more than aware of that.

ROBYN: Good. I've got to go. I'm on. (Robyn takes her place next to her brother who has the microphone at the moment.)

TYLER: All right, everybody. Welcome to the He-Man Woman-Haters' Club. I'm your host, Spanky. Since most of you are here for the Donovan/Tribbiani coming-out party, I'm going to give the floor to someone very close to them and to me. The woman who took the rap when my parents found that guy in my room, who told my parents that Billy and I were just practicing for the wrestling team, and who made my life miserable during my Scott Baio phase. Gentlemen and gentlemen, my sister, Robyn Banks.

ROBYN: (She takes the microphone.) Still want Charles in charge of you, little brother? (rimshot) Anyway, Joey Tribbiani was the first person I met when I moved here. (She keeps talking while her brother makes a beeline for Chandler.)

TYLER: Hi, I don't think we've met. I'm Tyler Banks, like the supermodel. Although personally, I'm more soup than model, and I can't believe I just said that out loud.

CHAN: Chandler Bing. I'm a friend of Robyn's.

TYLER: Robyn told me about you. You're Matthew's son, right? Your dad is really a great guy.

CHAN: I'd really rather not talk about my father right now.

TYLER: Oh, sorry. My bad. So, do you work out?

ROBYN: So, in conclusion, congratulations, Joey and Jeff. I wish you every happiness. (She puts down the microphone and goes over to her brother.) Forget it, Ty. There would be significant problems.

TYLER: Significant problems?

ROBYN: Such as the fact that his "significant" can kick your butt. In fact, she's right over- Uh-oh.

CHAN: What uh-oh?

ROBYN: You remember what I said about your karma? Well, I think it's about to run you over. (She points at something.)

CHAN: (He looks and sees Janice.) Oh, my God. What am I going to do?

ROBYN: Somebody's going to have to take you home. It can't be me; my helping clean up was part of the deal. I have a plan, though. Tyler, watch him. Don't hit on him. Don't let anybody else hit on him. I'll be right back. (Robyn goes through the crowd and finds Monica, who is watching the food table.) Monica, we've gotten a problem.

MON: I know; these ladyfingers really aren't moving.

ROBYN: Don't worry about it; it's just the name. Anyway, we've got a bigger problem.

MON: What?

JAN: (She's off camera, but she's talking loud enough to be heard by everyone in the Tri-State Area.) Oh, my God!

ROBYN: That. (Robyn and Monica push through the crowd to find Janice and Chandler.)

JAN: Why aren't you in Yemen?

CHAN: There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.

JAN: Well?

CHAN: You see- (There is no explanation, so Chandler just runs away.)

MON: (whispering to Robyn) Would it look too weird if I went after him?

ROBYN: Just go. I'll cover for you. (Robyn goes over to the jukebox.) Hey, does anybody here like Barenaked Ladies?

ONE GUY: I do!

ROBYN: Then, buddy, you're in the wrong bar. (Everybody laughs. Monica leaves.)

TYLER: (to Janice) If you ask me, you're better off without that guy.

JAN: Really?

TYLER: Absolutely. Can I buy you a drink?

ROBYN: Tyler, can I have a word with you? (whispering) She's a woman.

TYLER: (He looks at Janice.) Yeah, right.


[Teaser: Robyn's apartment. Robyn is watching "Laughing Out Loud" on tape.]

JOEY: (on TV) I'm just a boy looking at a boy, asking him to love him. (Someone knocks on the door. Robyn pauses the tape, looks through the peephole and unlocks the door.) Come in. (Monica and Chandler enter, their clothes all askew.)

MON: Hey, Robyn. Thanks for letting us borrow your handcuffs.

ROBYN: Don't mention it.

CHAN: We really appreciated them.

ROBYN: Obviously, you're not clear on the concept of "Don't mention it." (long pause) So, you guys missed one hell of a party.

MON: Trust me; we didn't miss it.

ROBYN: You've got a point. Even I wanted to leave when my stupid brother threw his underwear at the entertainment. Let me tell you: that DJ was not impressed.

CHAN: So, it was really a good thing that I left when I did.

ROBYN: No way/ Don't make me the enabler here. You need to stop running away from Janice because once you start hiding from your problems, you might as well throw your shoes away and start muttering about germs, because you will end up like Howard Hughes. (The intercom buzzes, and Robyn pushes the button.)

VOICE: (on the intercom) Robyn? Are you there? You didn't give me your address.

ROBYN: (into the intercom) Lo siento. No hablo ingles. (She turns off the intercom.) On the other hand, you are an adult, and it's not my job to meddle in your life. I know I wouldn't want-

CHAN: Who was that?

ROBYN: Just my ex-boyfriend. Now, we were talking about how I'm butting out of your life.

CHAN: (He picks up the Kleenex box from the counter.) So, what are you? Size eight? (Robyn gives him the "talk to the hand" sign and leaves the room.) What? Wrong size?

ROBYN: (from her room) Okay, forget the hand; talk to the finger.

CHAN: (He's enjoying this way too much.) Now that you won't be needing them, can I have your nail clipper?

ROBYN: (falsely cheerful) Bite me.

CHAN: You do know that spreads germs, right?