by: Liz Ackerley

[SCENE: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's. Chandler is sitting on one of the chairs and the duck is running around him and quacking.]

Chandler: Oh-oh, I'm a duck! I go, "Quack, quack!" I’m happy all the time!

(There's a knock on the door and Chandler gets up to answer it. He opens the door to reveal Monica with a turkey over her head.)

Chandler: Nice try.

Monica: Wait, wait, wait! (She puts a Shriner's hat on the turkey.)

Chandler: Look, Monica…

Monica: Look! (She puts a big, yellow pair of sunglasses on the bird.)

Chandler: This is not going to work.

Monica: I bet this will work! (She starts dancing and Chandler cracks up.)

Chandler: You are so great! I love you!

(Monica stops suddenly and turns around slowly.)

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing! I said, I said "You're so great" and then I just, I just stopped talking!

Monica: You said you loved me! I can't believe this!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: Yes, you did!

Chandler: No I didn't!

Monica: You love me!

Chandler: No I don't! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

(Joey walks in and sees Monica. He freaks out and runs back into the hallway, screaming.)

OPENING CREDITS

[SCENE: Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel and Phoebe are there, with big grins on their faces. Joey comes rushing in, still screaming]

Joey: ARRGGHH!

(Ross walks in, looking a bit worried – he’s just seen Joey dash across the hall, screaming)

Joey: (pointing across to the other apartment) It’s horrible!

Ross: (thinks Joey is pointing at him) Hey! I’m getting a bit tired of you guys always going on about how much gel I use! I mean, I hardly use any at all now, I got so sick of…

Joey: (interrupting) No, no! It’s in there! It’s got Chandler!

(Rachel & Phoebe are laughing hysterically)

Rachel: No! Joey – it’s just Monica!

Joey: No! It’s a turkey thing! It’s got a little hat, and, and, it’s wearing glasses, and, and, it’s, it’s… (light begins to dawn) Ohhh! (Laughs sheepishly at himself) Okay – I’m gonna go get another look – I didn’t get to see what I looked like when I did it – I shoulda cut eye holes!

(Joey leaves)

Ross: Do I take that to mean that Monica is over there with a turkey on her head?

Phoebe: (still laughing) Yeah! We’ve just helped her put it on. I think it’s gonna take more effort to get it off again though.

Ross: Okay – Monica, turkey on her head, little hat, glasses. That seems to cover it all. Oh – except maybe, um, WHY?

Rachel: Oh, come on, Ross – you saw how upset she was about that whole business with Chandler’s toe. He was so mad about it – she’s trying to get him to forgive her.

Phoebe: (thoughtful) Yeah – but you know – she’s making a real big deal about this. I mean, you’re right – she was really upset about him being mad. How come?

Ross: You mean you don’t know?

Rachel: Know what?

Ross: Well, can’t you see it? (Rachel & Phoebe shake their heads) Mon and Chandler have always been really close, ever since Mon started living here. They’ve probably got the strongest relationship of any of us six – they joke about with each other, they talk to each other when they’re depressed, and they hardly ever disagree. It’s no wonder Mon’s upset if she thinks he’s mad at her.

Phoebe: My god – you’re right. It’s like they have this, this special bond or something.

Rachel: What, you mean they’re, um – oh, what did you call it? You know – you said me and Ross were, um – oh, something with claws! (She does the interlocked claws thing from TOW the Prom Video)

Ross: Lobsters!

Rachel: Yeah! That’s it!

(Pause. Rachel & Ross exchange sad and slightly embarrassed looks)

Phoebe: Oh wow! No – I didn’t mean… (Pause) Do ya think they could be?

Ross: Chandler and Monica? Lobsters? Nnnn…(Pause) I don’t know. Maybe.

Rachel: Oh, no! I can’t see those two together! I just can’t…(Pause) Actually, I can!

Ross: Yeah! They are lobsters!

Phoebe: Do ya think they know that?

Rachel: No – I don’t think they do.

Phoebe: (excited, walking towards door) Then we should tell them! Come on!

Ross: No! Phoebe – wait!

Phoebe: (Stops) What? (Suddenly suspicious) Oh, don’t tell me you have a problem with this because it’s your sister and your best friend? Monica didn’t have a problem with her brother and her best friend being lobst… (sees the embarrassed looks of Ross & Rachel and shuts up) Oops.

Ross: (clears throat) No – it’s not that. It’s just… well, should we tell them?

Rachel: Phoebe, he’s right – if we just go in there and say "Hey guys – guess what? You’re lobsters! You should be together!" they’re just gonna, you know, freak.

Ross: Totally.

(Pause)

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, you convinced me. But we should do something! Oo, oo – I know – they’re lobsters, right? So we’ll all go out for a meal, we’ll order lobster, and leave them alone! (Pause. Then, off Ross & Rachel’s looks) Yeah, okay, that’s a dumb idea.

Rachel: Great if we’re going for obvious honey, but we’re gonna have to be subtle. Otherwise, we’ll mess up their friendship too.

Ross: I suppose we could start dropping hints about what a great relationship they have, and see how they take it.

Rachel: Yeah, it’s a start. Okay – we’ll work on Monica, you work on Chandler.

(Ross moves to leave)

Phoebe: And Joey can help you.

(Ross and Rachel exchange looks)

Rachel: (To Phoebe) Honey? Remember how we said they’d freak if we just came straight out with it? And how we’re going for the subtle approach?

Phoebe: (to Ross) Okay, so don’t tell Joey about this yet.

[SCENE: Chandler, Joey & Ross’s apartment. Chandler & Joey have got the turkey off Monica’s head.]

Monica: Urghhh! I hope no-one’s in our bathroom, ‘cos I need a shower stat!

Chandler: Well, if there is, come and use ours – I’ll even scrub your back.

(Chandler & Monica exchange smiles)

Joey: Oh no! You know the rules – just ‘cos I know about it doesn’t mean I wanna see it!

Chandler: I wasn’t thinking of asking you in!

Joey: But I’d know you were in there, ya know, doing stuff. Anyway, Ross lives here too now – d’ya wanna explain it to him?

Monica: Okay, okay, I’ll go use ours!

Joey: Don’t forget your turkey.

Monica: What do I want that for? I’m not gonna cook it now it’s been on my head!

Joey: Well, you can’t leave it here! What would the chick and the duck think?!

(She takes the turkey and leaves. Joey gets two beers from the fridge and holds one out to Chandler)

Joey: I never thought I’d see that!

Chandler: (Absently, staring at the door) What?

Joey: Monica with a turkey on her head. (Chandler still looks absent) Come on, man – she’s such a neat freak, she never does anything that’s messy. And the inside of a turkey is pretty messy, let me tell you!

Chandler: (finally taking the beer) No kidding!

Joey: Take it from one who knows! So why’d she do it?

Chandler: To get me to forgive her over that whole severed toe thing.

Joey: What? You were still mad at her about that? It was years ago man!

Chandler: I know – I wasn’t mad at her, just at the whole Thanksgiving thing. It’s like only bad things seem to happen to me at Thanksgiving.

Joey: Well, Monica making you laugh by putting a turkey on her head and dancing around doesn’t sound like a bad thing!

Chandler: What happened next may have been. I think I told her I love her.

(Joey spits out the beer in shock)

[SCENE: Monica & Rachel’s apartment. Rachel & Phoebe are sitting on the sofa]

Phoebe: Okay, what sort of hints?

Rachel: I don’t know. Start with the turkey thing I suppose – that she was willing to do that to make him feel better, so they must have a great relationship, and so on.

Phoebe: (Excited) And then we can say they’re lobsters?!

Rachel: No! Subtle, honey, subtle!

Phoebe: Oohhhh! Being subtle takes too long! I wanna tell them now! (Rachel glares at her) Oh, okay – subtle.

(Monica comes out of her room, newly showered and dressed)

Rachel: (to Monica) Better Mon?

Monica: Oh god, yes! I can’t believe I did that!

Phoebe: (Brightly) Well, neither can we! Um, was it, err, really that important to get Chandler to forgive you?

Monica: Well, yeah – I couldn’t stand it when I thought he might not want to…(realises she’s about to spill the beans) err, be my friend any more. I wouldn’t want to lose any of you guys!

Rachel: Umm. But you two are really close, aren’t you? I mean, of the six of us, you two probably have the strongest, you know, bond.

(Phoebe opens her mouth to speak excitedly, but sees Rachel’s glare, and closes it again)

Monica: (trying not to give away anything) What? Aww nah! Not really!

Rachel: Yes really! Can you think of any other two of us six that have ever been as close to each other?

(Pause)

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Umm, you and Ross?

Rachel: What?

Monica: She’s right – it’s you two.

Rachel: Oh, please! No way – I mean, after all the arguments, and fights? You think we’re close?

Monica: Yes! No matter what your relationship is right now, you know each other better than most people ever know someone else! You know you still care for him, otherwise why did you fly to England to stop the wedding? Why did he say your name instead of Emily’s? And in the end, it was because he didn’t want to give up you that the marriage ended!

Rachel: But…

Monica: Look – I’m not saying that you should go over there now and have a big reunion. You said yourself, he’s gonna be screwed up about Emily for a long time. And after all, "you don’t date recently divorced guys".

Phoebe: What?! (To Rachel) You said that?! What about Joshua?!

Rachel: I just meant…

Phoebe: Oh, I get it! Now he’s available, you don’t want him! You only want Ross when he’s with, with Julie, or Bonnie, or Emily!

Rachel: No! No – it’s not like that! I mean – I only found out how I felt about him when he was in China – I would’ve told him as soon as he got back, but he came back with Julie. With Bonnie and Emily, I guess it was seeing him happy with someone else that shocked me to my senses.

Phoebe: Well, what about that "newly divorced" thing? You dated Joshua before he was divorced!

Rachel: (to Monica) Your memory is too good. (To both) That was just an excuse – I didn’t even want to tell you guys the real reason I wasn’t going to be trying to get Ross back.

Monica: So what is the real reason?

(Pause)

Rachel: All my life, I’ve usually got what I wanted – and who I wanted. And I know I’ve been selfish – "Rachel wants, so Rachel gets". Yeah?

Phoebe: Well…

Rachel: Don’t deny it (smiles). Well, what Rachel wants more than anything in the world is Ross. But I told him how I felt when I came back off his honeymoon. And he didn’t know how to deal with it, and I realised how stupid I’d sounded.

Phoebe: But he was still trying to make it work with Emily then – that’s over now!

Rachel: It’s still too soon. This wasn’t just a girlfriend – Emily was his wife. That’s too much baggage to take straight into a relationship and expect it to work. And if he ever wants that sort of relationship with me again, I want it to work. So I’ll wait – he’s worth it.

Monica: Oh, wow! That is so, so…

Rachel: Unlike me? (smiles). Brand new Rachel Green, ladies and gentlemen. I can’t help it – I love him. (shrugs)

Monica: I was gonna say beautiful. (Getting emotional) Oh, I need a kleenex.

(Monica goes to her room)

Phoebe: Oh, come here, you! (Hugs Rachel) And it’s not if but when you guys get back together.

Rachel: You think?

Phoebe: Yeah! He’s your lobster! (They laugh, then Phoebe stops and points at Monica’s door). Oh!

Rachel: (Points as well) Oh, we were supposed to be talking about…

(They groan at the missed opportunity)

[SCENE: Chandler, Joey and Ross’s apartment. The three guys are watching TV. Phoebe opens the door]

Phoebe: Ross? Your mom’s on the phone and wants to talk to you after Monica.

(Ross gets up and leaves with Phoebe)

Joey: Okay – now what the hell were you saying when Ross came in?

Chandler: I said "I think I told her I love her".

Joey: Oh my god! What happened then?!

Chandler: Well, I panicked – I tried to say I hadn’t said it – but I think she knows I did.

Joey: If you tried to say you hadn’t said it, why did you say it in the first place?!

Chandler: I don’t know! She was dancing about, and I was laughing at her, and I thought she was so great to do that to try to make things right between us, and it just slipped out.

Joey: Dude – "I love you" is not a phrase that should ever just ‘slip out’.

Chandler: I know! But now it has, what do I do?

Joey: You talk to her!

Chandler: But what would I say?!

Joey: That depends.

Chandler: On what?!

Joey: On whether you meant it!

(Pause)

Joey: Well?

Chandler: I do love her. But I didn’t mean to tell her!!

Joey: Why not?!

Chandler: Because then she’d know!

Joey: That’s the point of telling people things!

Chandler: But it would mean, you know, (shudders) commitment!

Joey: (shudders too) Ooooh! The Tunnel!

Chandler: (pacing backwards and forwards) Why am I freaking about this? This is Monica we’re talking about – Monica who you all know, who you all like. It’s not like with Janice, where none of you could stand her! And I went through the Tunnel with her! Why am I scared to go through with Mon?!

(Pause)

Chandler & Joey: (together) Ross and Rachel!

(Chandler bangs his forehead on the counter)

Chandler: Oh god! That’s it! Whatever happened between them affected everyone else! If I make a commitment to Mon, I’m making it to all of you! Oh, this is too hard!

(Continues to bang his head (not too hard!) on the counter)

Joey: Dude – don’t do that! (Pause) That’s where the duck was sick!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[SCENE: Central Perk. The gang are all there. Phoebe is doing her usual spot.]

Phoebe: (singing) …go off with whoever! Salmon and pike, mate how they like! But the lobster stays faithful forever!!

(Rachel and Ross look at each other and roll their eyes while people applaud. Phoebe comes to sit with them)

Ross: (sarcastic) Nice one Pheebs!

(Phoebe grins at him, then starts chatting to Monica, Joey & Chandler)

Ross: (aside to Rachel) As subtle as a pile of bricks.

Rachel: (aside to Ross) Dropped from a very great height. (Pause) Have you managed to talk to Chandler yet?

Ross: (aside to Rachel) No – Joey’s been there. How ‘bout you?

Rachel: (aside to Ross) We tried, but we ended up talking about…um, something else. But we may not need subtle hints if Phoebe keeps going like that!

Monica: (to everyone) Any one eaten yet? (Chorus of ‘no’s) Thanksgiving leftovers? (Chorus of ‘urgh’ noises) It’s that or the turkey I had on my head.

(Chorus of ‘Yum!’, ‘Great!’, ‘Leftovers! Lovely!’ etc)

Monica: I’ll go start getting it ready – you guys come up in a while.

(She leaves, but when the others can’t see, indicates with her head to Chandler that she wants him to come, and indicates 5 minutes with her hand.)

Rachel: (Nudges Ross and glances at Chandler) You know, um, maybe one of us should go help her.

Ross: Huh? (Catches on) Oh, yeah – maybe she could do with a little help.

Phoebe: Oh, oh – Chandler could go!

(Ross & Rachel glare at Phoebe)

Joey: (to Chandler, thinking about their earlier conversation) Yeah, you could go and talk to her while you help.

Chandler: (surprised) What? Is this about the severed toe again? I’ve forgiv…there was nothing to forgive, alright? I was never really mad at her. (Realising that this is a good excuse to follow Monica anyway) But… if it makes you guys any happier, I’ll go have another talk with her.

(He leaves quickly)

Rachel: (to Phoebe) Subtlety, honey! Subtlety!

Joey: Okay – what’s up?

Ross & Rachel: Nothing!

(Phoebe is bursting to say something, but Rachel & Ross keep glaring at her to stop her. She finally gets up to move away to stop herself telling Joey)

Phoebe: I’ll-get-some-more-coffee-any-one-else?-no-good!

(She moves to the counter)

Joey: Really, what’s up?

Ross: Really, nothing!

Rachel: No, nothing at all!

Joey: (not fooled) Okay. (Downs his coffee quickly) Oh look, I’m outta coffee. Hey, Phoebe!

(He moves to the counter to where Phoebe is)

Rachel: (resigned) She’ll tell him.

Ross: Bye-bye subtlety – hello the Tribbiani Tornado method!

Rachel: Maybe it’ll work better than our efforts so far.

Ross: Well, I hope something works!

Rachel: Wow, Ross, you’re really into this, aren’t you? I mean, at first I thought Phoebe was right when she thought you’d have a problem with your sister and your best friend. But you don’t! You are totally okay with this!

Ross: I know! It would be a little weird at first, I think, but I don’t think I have any right to say who my sister and my friends should and shouldn’t be with. (Pause. A little shyly, unsure whether he should be saying this) They never gave me anything but encouragement with you.

Rachel: Ross…

Ross: Rache – I just want you to know that, when all’s said and done, I, I still think you’re my lobster. But I’m a mess right now, and when you told me you still loved me, I…

Rachel: (putting her hand on his cheek) Ross, honey, it’s okay, I understand. It’s too soon for us. I’m not asking for anything. (Pause) You waited, how many years for me? I’ll wait for you. (Smiles) I’ll wait until you’re bright red!

Ross: What?!

Rachel: It’s how you know your lobster is ready!

(They laugh and hug)

[SCENE: Monica & Rachel’s apartment. Monica & Chandler enter]

Monica: Won’t the guys wonder why you followed me so quickly?

Chandler: Nah – officially, they thought someone should come and help you. But it was obvious that they all thought I should come and talk to you. They think I’m still mad at you. (Pause) Well, Joey thinks I should talk to you about something else too.

(Monica is starting to get things out of the fridge)

Monica: (feigning ignorance) Oh? What?

Chandler: Come on, Mon – you know what. (Pause) I told Joey about what happened when you were dancing about with the turkey on your head.

Monica: What? You just said you thought I was great. I had a turkey on my head – I couldn’t hear much else.

Chandler: (not buying it) It’s okay, Mon – you don’t have to pretend you didn’t hear it.

Monica: (in a slightly hurt voice) But you pretended you didn’t say it.

Chandler: I know. And I’m sorry. It slipped out when I wasn’t expecting it to. And as Joey said, it’s not a phrase that should just ‘slip out’. When you say it, you should mean it. (He takes a bowl out of Monica’s hands and puts it down, then cups her face in his hands) I love you.

(They kiss)

Chandler: Do you remember that Metaphorical Tunnel?

Monica: (smiling) The one with the ‘C’ word?

Chandler: That’s the one. (Holds his hand out to her and takes a deep breathe) Do you want to come through it with me?

(Monica puts her hand in his)

Monica: I love you too, Chandler.

(They kiss (again!) )

[SCENE: As before, a little later. Monica has nearly finished preparing the food, Chandler is ferrying things about for her. They are busy all the time they are talking.]

Monica: Chandler? Do you think we should let the others know about us now?

Chandler: You think it’s time?

Monica: Maybe. (Reassuringly) I’m not pushing you into anything – I’m just wondering. If you don’t want to yet, that’s okay.

Chandler: I don’t know – part of the fun has been having a secret.

Monica: I know – like an illicit affair.

Chandler: But this isn’t just an affair now, is it? We don’t need to have a secret to keep it fun any more!

Monica: No – just chocolate mousse and peanut butter!. (Pause) To be honest, I’ve thought about this before – I think deep down I’ve been relieved that the others didn’t know – that they didn’t have any expectations. After Ross and Rachel…

Chandler: That was what scared me about the Tunnel.

Monica: That was why you panicked?

Chandler: (Nods) I don’t want us to be like them – whatever was happening between them affected us all. I’m just thankful they seem to have got it out of their system and settled down as friends. (Pause) Is that selfish? To be happy they don’t have anything between them any more because of how it affected us?

Monica: No – not if you’re happy that they’re not arguing. There sure is a nicer atmosphere around here lately. But don’t make the mistake of thinking they’ll stay just friends.

Chandler: You think they’ll end up together somehow too?

Monica: Yeah – and when they do, it should be better than ever. Ross must realise by now that no-one will ever mean as much to him as Rachel – the whole break up with Emily was just a matter of time. And Rachel… well, me and Pheebs were talking to her.

Chandler: She admits she still wants him back?

Monica: More than that – she’s willing to wait.

Chandler: Whoa!

Monica: I know – I’ve never heard her sound so, so…

Chandler: Unselfish?

Monica: Well, mature. It’s like she’s taken a step back and had a good look at herself, then thrown away what she didn’t like. And when Ross sorts himself out, I don’t think the rest of us will be pulled into it all again like we were.

Chandler: Well, we can’t affect that – but let’s promise – whatever happens between us, we’ll not make the same mistakes.

Monica: Agreed!

(They start to hug)

Monica: So – do we go public, or what?

Chandler: How do you think the others will react?

Monica: By ‘others’, you really mean Ross, don’t you?

Chandler: Mainly. Is he likely to get freaked about one of his best friends seeing his little sister? Am I gonna have a close relationship with a baseball bat in a dark alley?

Monica: He’d better not freak! It’s only like him and Rachel from my point of view. (Pause) So what d’ya say?

Chandler: Well,…

(The apartment door opens and Joey, Rachel, Phoebe and Ross enter. Chandler and Monica pull apart quickly.)

Chandler: (to Monica) It’d be kinda nice not to have to keep doing that!

Monica: (nods) We’ll tell them.

[SCENE: Monica & Rachel’s apartment, a little later. All six are there, Chandler & Monica still sorting out food in the kitchen, the rest watching TV and talking. Monica goes and stands behind the sofa and leans down to say something to Ross. Joey looks around, then goes over to Chandler in the kitchen. Their conversation is too quiet for the others to hear]

Joey: Hey! Did you have that talk with Monica?

Chandler: And what talk would that be, Joey?

Joey: You know! The talk!

Chandler: Do you mean that one where I apologise for panicking and acting like a jerk, and then tell her I love her?

Joey: That’s the one! (Realises what Chandler said at the end) Whoa! It slipped out again?!

Chandler: It didn’t slip out.

Joey: But you just said you told her…

Chandler: Joey – I meant it this time.

Joey: But what about (gestures dramatically) the Tunnel?

Chandler: The view’s nicer on this side.

(Pause while Joey works this out – looks of confusion, deep thought, then understanding on his face. Meanwhile, Monica has rejoined them.)

Joey: Awwww! (Gesturing the two of them) Isn’t that sweet?!

Chandler: Stop that. (Pause) Anyway, we’ve decided to tell the others.

Joey: (disappointed) It’s not going to be our secret any more?

Monica: No – so you can forget any blackmail plans.

Chandler: (to Monica) Although even after what you said, I’m still worrying about how Ross will react.

Joey: Oh, he’ll be fine!

Chandler: How can you know that?

Joey: Because he said so!

Monica: He what?!

Joey: Yeah – the others think you’re lobsters!

(Monica & Chandler exchange confused looks)

Chandler: Okay Joey – we’re gonna need the whole story here – this is making no sense.

Joey: Okay – the others have decided that you guys would make a great couple. But they don’t know what I know – they think you still need to find out. So they’ve been dropping hints, but you guys are making it such hard work!

(Realisation is dawning on Monica & Chandler’s faces)

Monica: Rachel was talking about how great our friendship was…

Chandler: "Someone should go and help Monica – Chandler"!

Monica & Chandler: Phoebe’s lobster song!

Monica: I thought she was doing that for Ross and Rachel.

Chandler: (to Joey) So why didn’t you tell us earlier?!

Joey: I’ve only just found out! They weren’t going to tell me, ‘cos they said I wouldn’t have any ‘subtlety’. (Nods sagely) But I worked it out.

Monica: Who couldn’t keep quiet?

Joey: (sighs) Phoebe. (Pause) But hey – if you’re going to tell them, let me have a joke with them first. Go on – please! I kept your secret for you – now do this for me!

(Chandler & Monica exchange glances. Monica shrugs, as if to say ‘your call’.)

Chandler: (to Joey) Just don’t be too cruel, okay?

Joey: I promise – I just want to get them back for thinking I can’t be subtle. Play along with me, okay, then tell them after.

(Joey returns to the TV)

Monica: Oh god – what have we just unleashed?

Chandler: "Joey Tribbiani – tactful missile"!

[SCENE: Same scene, a little later. The gang are sitting and standing around the table helping themselves to the food.]

Joey: (looking in the dishes) Hey, Mon! Did you say there was seafood here somewhere?

Monica: (confused) Um, no – because these are Thanksgiving leftovers, and that’s why there’s turkey.

Joey: (acting innocent) Oh, I just thought someone had mentioned lobsters, that was all.

Monica: (catching on, and acting dumb) No, must’ve been somewhere else. Ross is allergic to lobster, so I don’t usually have it anyway.

(Joey gives Ross, Rachel & Phoebe a look as if to say, "How about that for a hint?", and pretends not to notice the glares they give him.)

Joey: (to Chandler) It’s good to see that you and Mon have made up after that severed toe thing.

Chandler: (playing along) Oh, you know, it was a long time ago…

Joey: Yeah, but it was still your toe, man! I mean, you must think a lot of Monica if you can forgive that.

Chandler: Hey – it’d be the same if it’d have been any of you guys.

(Ross, Rachel & Phoebe are giving each other looks as if to say "Stop him!" but none of them know what to do.)

Joey: And Mon – I still can’t believe that you did something as gross as putting a turkey on your head! And just because you didn’t want to have Chandler mad at you! You two really have got a close…

(Ross has wandered over to the other side of the room. He interrupts Joey)

Ross: Hey Joey! Come and look at this!

(He is holding his hand cupped as though holding something small in it)

Joey: (going over and looking at Ross’s hand) What?

Ross: This! (He slaps Joey in the head) What are you doing?! You’re gonna blow the whole thing. We’re trying to be subtle!

Joey: (innocent) But I am being subtle!

Ross: Joey, if Phoebe had put a verse of "Chandler and Monica are lobsters" in her song, it would still have been more subtle than you! Sending them wedding invitations to their own wedding would be more subtle than you!

Joey: (pretending to understand) Okay, okay, I got you. Less obvious hints needed.

Ross: Right!

(They go back to the kitchen. Rachel raises a questioning eyebrow to Ross, and he puts his thumb up to reassure her. She relaxes a little)

Joey: So, Rachel, you seeing Danny again sometime?

Rachel: Oh, I don’t think so.

Joey: How come? I thought you were crazy about him?

Rachel: Well, I was interested, but not really crazy, y’ know? (Exchanges a smile with Ross) There’re other things I’m more crazy about.

(Ross & Rachel hold each other’s gaze for a while, smiling. When they break the look, they see everyone else watching them, and laugh a little)

Ross: Just for the record, no, we’re not back together. Not yet.

Rachel: (putting her hand on Ross’s) But maybe someday.

Phoebe: Oh, that is so great! I always knew you were lobsters!

Joey: Oh, oh, and you know what?! (Pointing at Chandler & Monica) You guys! You’re like lobsters too! You should be together!!

(Ross, Rachel & Phoebe are shocked and don’t know what to say)

Chandler: (playing along) You mean me and Mon…

Joey: (nodding excitedly) Yeah! What d’ya think?!

Monica: (slowly) I don’t know… I mean, we’re good friends and everything…

Chandler: But more than that…

(Ross, Rachel & Phoebe are looking disappointed and worried)

Monica: Maybe it’s not a good idea…

(Chandler & Monica suddenly leap into each other’s arms and start passionately kissing)

Chandler: (in between kisses) Do ya…wanna…give it…a…try?

Monica: (in between kisses) If you…think…it’s…worth it!

(Ross, Rachel & Phoebe are now looking completely surprised. Joey moves behind them as they all look at Chandler & Monica kissing, and leans in between Ross & Rachel’s heads)

Phoebe: (to Ross & Rachel) It’s not fair! You wouldn’t let me say that! You said we had to be subtle!

Joey: Well, you see, guys, sometimes you can use subtlety, and sometimes you get quicker results from the obvious approach.

Rachel: But Joey – that could’ve gone horribly wrong!

Ross: Yeah – what if they’d been, you know, freaked out by the thought, or something?!

Joey: Nah – I knew it’d be okay. You see, I happen to know that they’ve been sleeping together since London!!

Ross, Rachel & Phoebe: (shocked) WHAT?!!!

(Joey steps back with a grin on his face, and makes a "Tah-dah" gesture with his hands)

CLOSING CREDITS

[SCENE: Monica & Rachel’s apartment, later, after the explanations. Chandler & Monica are curled up in one chair together, Rachel is dozing on Ross’s shoulder, while he has his arm around her. Phoebe & Joey are in the kitchen]

Joey: So, if Monica & Chandler are a couple, and Ross & Rachel are headed that way, that just leaves you and me, Pheebs.

Phoebe: What? You’re not seriously suggesting…

Joey: Not seriously. But haven’t you thought about it? Almost as if everyone will expect it.

Phoebe: Nuh-huh. The difference here is that we have two pairs of lobsters over there (points over to the others), while you and me are, well, we’re not seafood!

Joey: What?! Pheebs – I’m insulted! You don’t think I got what it takes to be a lobster?

Phoebe: Oh, I don’t mean that! But (laughs cynically), you’re not mine, that’s for damn sure! I mean, I like you, you’re my friend, but I’m not attracted to you or anything.

Joey: (grinning) I bet you could be!

Phoebe: Oh, I don’t think so!

Joey: Sure you could be!

Phoebe: (realising what he’s thinking) Oh no! Joey, don’t!

Joey: (looks her up and down) Hey! How you doin’?

Phoebe: (giggling and blushing) Joey, stop it!

END