by: Rodney Hrvatin


Rachel Green……………………………………………………….Jennifer Aniston

Monica Geller………………………………………………………Courtney Cox

Phoebe Buffay………………………………………………………Lisa Kudrow

Joey Tribbiani………………………………………………………Matt Le Blanc

Chandler Bing………………………………………………………Matthew Perry

Ross Geller………………………………………………………….David Schwimmer


Maggie Wheeler…………………………………………………….Janice

James Michael Tyler………………………………………………..Gunther

Patrick Stewart………………………………………………………Himself

Author Note:

This story takes place between the episodes "The One With Frank Jr." (305) and "The One With The Flashback" (306)

Scene- Joey and Chandler’s. The entertainment center from 305 is still there with the broom handle blocking the handles. Chandler enters with Janice.

Chandler: (Sees the doors blocked) OK now this is why we never let you buy that Houdini set. Joey??? (no response. Chandler rushes to center and removes broom and opens doors to reveal nothing.)

(He turns around and sees a very angry Joey sitting in the chair. Chandler, surprised, jumps very high)Aaaahh. Ok- one life down……eight to go…no wait, there was that time when Ross kissed my mum….that’s seven… wait there was that…

Joey: Are you done? Do you know how long it took me to realise what you had done? Do you know how long it took me to realise that I could just crawl out the back? I bet you thought that was funny, huh?

Chandler: Well…..yeah….kinda….(hitting on an idea) but hey, you still got five bucks out of it.

Joey: (very angry) I bet you thought…(stops. Remembers the five dollars and smiles) Oh yeah…I forgot about that. Ok, you got me.

Janice: (Seeing center for the first time) Oh…my…God. What is this? Some kind of woodwork abomination? Who did this? And how are we supposed to get into your room? I mean this is sooooo ugly. I mean what kind of moron would build this kind of… (Chandler starts motioning very heavily in the direction of Joey. He is breaking his neck trying to do the motion. Janice stops and notices. She turns to Joey) Oh Joey honey, I am so sorry I had no idea….

Joey: (looking up from staring at his five bucks) Sorry? For what?

Chandler: For not asking what she can do for her country.

Joey: Oh hey, that’s cool. I never ask myself. I’m too afraid of the answer if you know what I’m saying…

(They all nod their head with a knowing nod)


(Scene- Monica and Rachel’s apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross and Phoebe are all watching "Goldfinger". They are at the scene where Bond is strapped to the table with the laser approaching his groin)

Ross: Man, that guy is just the coolest I mean he gets to go to so many places and have so many women and what a cool life.(He turns and notices the deadly stare from Rachel) But of course, who’d want all those women if they have….you..(Rachel still unimpressed)….I’m gonna be sleeping alone tonight aren’t I?

Rachel: Oh yeah.

Phoebe: Oh these films are so degrading, I mean why can’t the bad guy be a girl? Or HEY why not have Bond be gay?

Monica: Now there’s a scene- he’s got the man with the golden gun cornered and Bond says "You’re going to die, but I really like that safari suit on you".

(Chandler and Joey enter)

Joey: (very excited) I can’t believe it!!! I can’t believe it!!!!

Chandler: (to everyone else) He still can’t believe it’s not butter.

Joey: Oh man this is so cool, the annual Star Trek convention is coming to town.

Monica: Joey….you don’t even watch Star Trek. You said there’s no cleavage.

Joey: I know, I know, but this is my big chance. I figure if I slip the special guest my card he might get me a part!!! Wouldn’t that be cool???

Chandler: Yeah Joey- you will go down in the pages of geek history. Nerds will admire your every footstep and worship the urinal you pee in.

Ross: So who is the special guest anyway?

Joey: Uuuuh…Patrick Stewart- I think he plays one the low-lifes on the ship. I was kinda hoping for one of the captains but hey….I’m not fussy.

Chandler: (Knowing full well who Patrick Stewart is) Yeah Joe, you tell him that- he’ll be so impressed.

Joey: So are you guys coming?

Phoebe: Eeew I don’t think so. It’s something about nerds that gets me all, ya know, scared…..

Joey: Hey! Just because they watch Star Trek does not mean they are nerds. You go to one of those conventions and you will soon learn that Star Trek lovers cover a broad spectrum of people.

Chandler: You read that out of TV guide didn’t you?

Joey: You got it!

(Scene- Central Perk. All the main characters are there. Gunther is behind the counter. Joey approaches Gunther)

Joey: So Gunther- you going to the Star Trek convention?

Gunther: (not interested) Yeah whatever.

Joey: Man, it should be so great. I’m tellin’ ya. A lot of hot women go to these things.

Gunther: (still not interested) Yeah whatever.

(long pause. Joey doesn’t know what to say. Gunther still is uninterested.)

Joey: (very quickly as he heads back to the gang) Nice talkin’ to ya man. (back with group) That Gunther- he cracks me up. So how many of you guys are going?

Chandler: Well Janice is a bit of a trekkie so why not? Count me in. I’ll just get my horn-rimmed spectacles and plaid shirt and I’m ready.

Monica: Not me- I am not setting a foot in that place. Besides- Richard was a trekkie. (starts sniffing. Phoebe comforts her)

Joey: Rach? What about you?

Rachel: No thanks honey- I’m having my hair pulled out in preparation for the Aliens convention next week.

Ross: Come on Rachel- this will be fun. I’m in Joey.

Rachel: Ross I do not want to spend my Saturday with a bunch of geeks who do nothing but sit around and talk to each other because they have nothing better to do. (Pause as she surveys the scene of her friends) which does have a certain attraction after all. Yeah alright.

Joey: Phoebe?

Phoebe: I wish I could but I don’t want to.

Chandler: Wow- suddenly I’m feeling like I did two years ago!

(Scene- Star Trek Convention. Lots of people in Star Trek uniforms. Displays and posters abound. The gang enters. Janice is wearing her Guinan costume. Chandler is wearing a Next Generation uniform. Ross has a Spock T-Shirt saying "Live Long And Prosper". Rachel is in normal clothes (but with a Bajoran ear-piece). Joey is wearing a Babylon 5 T-Shirt. As they walk in a group of trekkies boo in Joey’s direction)

Joey: Well my Star Trek shirt was stained OK?

Janice: Ooooh I am sooo excited! I cannot believe you did this for me Chandler. Are you just the best? (starts trying to kiss Chandler but the Guinan hat is getting in the way)

Chandler: OK you know what Janice? Let’s save the thanks ‘till later- much MUCH later. Man this costume is itchy.

(Joey starts sniggering. Everyone turns to him.)

Joey: Sorry man. I was just itching to hear you say that. (starts laughing again. No-one else does.) Geez- get a life.

Rachel: (to Ross) Honey- do you think you could buy me that life-size black guy with the crab stuck to his head?

Ross: The Klingon?

Rachel: No- just the cardboard one will do.

Chandler: It’s gonna be a looooong day.

Joey: (pointing to a doorway) In here everybody! The question session will begin any moment. Let’s go!!!

Chandler: Who knows what great mysteries lie beyond the great black door- I’m Leonard Nimoy and these are the great mysteries of the world.

Geek No.1: (walking past into the doorway) You are not Leonard Nimoy- what a geek.

Chandler: (shouting to him) Well at least I have a LIFE! I have a JOB! I have… (sees he is alone) just made a major idiot of myself.

(Scene- Monica and Rachel’s. Monica and Phoebe are watching TV.)

Phoebe: So Monica- I didn’t know Richard was a trekkie.

Monica: He wasn’t. I made it up. (sees Phoebe staring in disbelief) Oh come on Pheebs. I’m over Richard now. I have been for a while. It’s just the game time now.

Phoebe: The game?

Monica: Yeah- you know- The Game. (Phoebe doesn’t understand) You know- where you keep pretending you are still affected by something so people will get off your back. I simply didn’t want to go so I pretended that Richard was a trekkie and everyone laid off me. It’s very simple.

Phoebe: It is?

Monica: Sure. Let’s see you try it. Now say I want you to..uuuuhhhh….eat some meat. Now pretend you are still getting over something to try and get me to back off. OK?

Phoebe: OK

Monica: OK then. So Phoebe- wanna come and eat a burger with me.

Phoebe: Oh I would but my half brother Frank felt my friend and she likes meat.

Monica: Pheebs- that was terrible.

Phoebe: Sorry- my mum always told me not to lie so it’s very hard.

Monica: Oh sorry Pheebs.

Phoebe: Gotcha (smiles)

(Scene- convention hall. A small stage with a chair in the middle. Lots of trekkers in the audience in various Star Trek guises. The group are in the middle. Joey is really excited.)

Chandler: Joey (Joey starting to jump) Joey! (Joey is starting to really jump now) JOEY! (he stops) Just hold it in pal or do it on the floor- it won’t matter you’re an embarrassment to us all already.

Joey: Hey I’m just excited. It’s not everyday you get to harass a big league actor.

Ross: I’m really hoping that’s professional lingo for something I don’t know.

(An announcer steps out on stage and grabs the microphone from the chair)

Announcer: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen and welcome to this convention. Just to let you know later on this evening we will be screening a brand new episode of Deep Space Nine and Voyager- both yet to be seen on air (cheers from the crowd) We will also be judging our best costume contest shortly. I also have to report a missing child. Would the mother of a baby boy James T. Kirk please collect your child from the information booth (About 10 groups of parents leave)

Chandler: Now I know the definition of sad.

Announcer: But right now would you please welcome to New York- one of the finest actors of our time Mr. Patrick Stewart!

(Wild cheers as Patrick Stewart steps out. He waves to the crowd and sits down)

Patrick: Thank You so much for your warm welcome. I will be happy to answer any questions you have and feel free to take pictures during the session just make sure you get my good side (chuckles from crowd)

Joey: (shouting above crowd) Uuuuh- which side is that? They both look the same! (more chuckles) What? I was being serious. (Ross nods his head and pats his shoulder in a "I Know" kinda way)

Geek No. 2: Uuuh Mr. Stewart- what do you think of the current series of Voyager and Deep Space Nine. Are they in keeping with Gene Roddenberry’s dream and also do you feel that the Star Trek universe that Roddenberry has envisaged is still being maintained by these current shows?

Chandler: And who actually cares? (gasps from the crowd as they turn to him. Chandler starts scratching his uniform) Did I say that? Sorry- must be a communicator malfunction (starts tapping fake comm badge) Dammit La Forge- fix it up. (all the crowd nod in approval and turn to Patrick on the stage)

Patrick: That’s a very good question and I must say that I don’t get as much time to… (sees Joey’s shirt) Excuse me…You there in the middle next to the Guinan dress.

(Joey looks around and points to himself)

Joey: Who me?

Patrick: Yes you. (getting angry) How dare you come into a convention like this wearing a shirt like that. I’ve never been so insulted in all my life. I refuse to be in the same room as you. I am going now and I will NOT be signing anything. Good day to you. (storms off the stage. Joey senses the ire of the crowd. He looks around nervously)

Joey: This is not good.


(Scene- lobby. All is quiet for a few moments. Then the gang, led by Joey, run across the screen. About two seconds later they are followed by a very angry mob)

Klingon Geek: That man has no honour…

Starfleet Uniform Geek: Set phasers to kill…..

Borg Geek: You will be assimilated….resistance is futile….

(The mob run past an exit hatch. Inside the exit hatch are the gang.)

Chandler: Well Joey this is another fine exit hatch you got us into.

Joey: (smacking forehead) Oh man…that’s the second convention in a row I’ve worn this shirt. I gotta learn…I gotta learn.

Ross: Look- I just want out of here. Death by Trekkie is NOT how I envisaged my death notice.

Janice: This reminds me of the time I was locked in the basement with my friend Roy. We were really good friends for years and we wound up making love in the basement. (The gang all stare) What- you never made out with any of your friends? I can’t believe the six of you have never made out with each other.

Chandler: Only in Joey’s wildest fantasies.

Joey: (breaking out into a cheeky grin) You said it man!

Rachel: Well what are we gonna do people? We are stuck in here with no way out except through a bunch of really mad trekkers.(thinks) Ross….honey….can I use your phone for a minute? (ross looks at Rachel with a "What?" kind of look)

(Scene- Monica and Rachel’s. The phone rings. Phoebe picks it up)

Phoebe: Hello?

Rachel: Phoebe it’s Rachel.

Phoebe: Hi Rachel. Oh wow- this is so cool because I’ve just been learning stuff you see and I want to share it with you.

Rachel: That’s great Pheebs but can it wait? We’re kinda stuck at the convention and we need you to help us out.

Phoebe: Oh well I’d like to go but my mother was going to a Star Trek convention on the day she died and I vowed never to set foot in one. Have a nice day. (hangs up) I’m getting so good at that!

(Scene- back in the fire hatch.)

Rachel: Why is it of all the friends in all the world it has to be HER that answers the phone.

Ross: It was a nice try sweetie but I think I have a better idea.

(Scene- A dressing room. Patrick Stewart enters in a huff closely followed by advisors)

Patrick: All of the arrogance… how dare he. Smith- how long until the next flight out of here?

Smith: I don’t know Mr. Stewart- I’ll check. (he leaves. Patrick starts gathering up some papers and the phone rings)

Patrick: (picking up phone) Hello?

Ross: (Still in exit hatch) Uuuh… hi. My name is Ross Geller and I am a really close friend of the guy you kinda tormented back there. I don’t know whether you realised but we are kind of stuck in an exit hatch.

Patrick: Then exit you idiot- that’s why they’re called exit hatches.

Ross: (feigning laughter) Yeah…very funny… I know that… except this particular hatch is locked and the only way out is through a lot of very angry trekkers.

Patrick: And what do you expect me to do about it hmm? I’m not a God. I’m just an actor.

Ross: (now back in the Exit Hatch scene) Not to them. To them you’re Captain…(not remembering Stewart’s character’s name)…uuuuuh….Captain….uuuuuh….(Janice starts miming "Picard" by picking her nose really hard)…uuuuuh…Booger…that’s right…Captain Booger….hello?….hello? Damn. (Sees the glares) What? That’s his name isn’t it?

Chandler: Oh great. Joey wears the wrong shirt and now Ross has called Patrick Stewart Captain Booger. Can it GET any worse than this? (pounding on the doors start) Oh yes it can.

(Scene- Outside the hatch. Fans have surrounded the door. One of them has a scanner)

Scanner Geek: Scanners indicate the presence of life forms behind this hatch. (pointing to Klingon geek) Mr. Klingon. Break this door down.

(The Klingon geek nods and approaches the door. He starts ramming it. Several others join in. Surprisingly no-one on the staff of the hotel have decided to intervene. Convenient isn’t it?)

(Scene- Inside the hatch. Chandler, Joey and Ross are pressing up against the banging door. Rachel and Janice are standing back)

Chandler: Ok- Joey it’s time for your act of self sacrifice.

Joey: What??? Are you serious???

Ross: Is he ever?

Janice: Ooooooh- look out my little Bing-A-Ling. Don’t let ‘em hurt you.

Joey and Ross: (In tandem) BING-A-LING?

Chandler: Just hold back the door!!!!!

(The doors are getting pushed more open. Trekker hands can be seen coming through the gap in the door.)

(Scene- Outside the hatch. The crowd is gathering momentum to break down the door)

Command Geek: I order you to get those traitors out!!!!

Patrick Stewart: BELAY THAT ORDER!!!!! (The mob stops immediately and turn around to face Stewart.) I cannot believe you people. So what if they support another show. We have to accept the fact that they are different and have a more varied taste in Science Fiction. (To the Friends group) You can come out now. (Slowly, the gang enters the scene. Joey is hiding behind Chandler and Ross. And Rachel. And Janice). Go on your way. (As they leave Joey slips Patrick his card) What is this? A business card???

Joey: Yeah man- thanks. Oh- and may the force be with you.

Patrick Stewart: WHAT??? I order you to hurt those people!!!!!!!

(the geeks take off after them)


(Scene- Monica and Rachel’s. The gang have returned. Chandler’s uniform is ripped. Joey is topless and now has "Geek" painted on his chest. Rachel has a bloody nose. Janice is looking at her ruined hat and Ross is coming out of Rachel’s room with a new shirt.)

Chandler: You would think that trekkers might be a little sympathetic to our cause here. I mean don’t they realise it’s only a TV show?

Joey: This from a guy screaming "I Love Kirk" at the top of his voice. Aw man- how am I gunna get this off?

Ross: Where did they get the paint from?

Rachel: The paint store where we were finally caught.

Monica: (entering from bathroom) I’m sorry I can’t mend your shirt Ross. Richard loved The Next Generation.

Ross: Too late- Pheebs already told us about the game.

Monica: I hate that woman. (exits in a huff)

Chandler: I think I heard Clinton say that once. I wonder what game HE was playing?