The One Whre They Name Joey's Character


Written by: Ethan

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.


PREVIOUSLY ON FRIENDS

GYNECOLOGIST’S OFFICE (Monday Morning. Chandler and Monica are awaiting the results)

Monica: What do you think about names?

Chandler: Yes, I think every baby should have one.

Monica: Seriously.

Chandler: I haven’t even gotten used to the fact that you might be pregnant, we could name the kid Frankenstein for all I care.

Monica: Your childhood really screwed you up, didn’t it?

(The doctor comes in)

Doctor: Ok, I have the results, Monica you.…

Opening Credits

GYNECOLOGIST’S OFFICE

Doctor: Ok, I have the results, Monica you might want to sit down.

Chandler: She’s pregnant, isn’t she?

Monica: Oh my God! I’m pregnant!

Doctor: Actually, no, you’re not pregnant.

Monica: But I haven’t had my period and I’m over a week late. Plus, the home pregnancy test said I was pregnant.

Doctor: First, the home pregnancy tests aren’t always accurate and second, your period could be late because of your birth control pills.

Chandler: So we’re not having a baby?

Doctor: I’m afraid not.

Chandler: (to Monica) Are you alright?

Monica: Yeah. Are you ready to go?

VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel’s first day. Rachel is being shown around the office by her assistant, Shannon.)

Shannon: And over here is the water cooler. A lot of nothing happens here. At least that’s what we tell those who are in management.

Rachel: So what really happens at the water cooler?

Shannon: Sorry, you’re part of management.

Rachel: And I can find a new assistant very easily.

Shannon: Right. If you want the gossip, the water cooler is where you need to hang out. For instance, see her, (points at a woman over an office door) she was dating Rick, the senior photographer for the catalogue.

Rachel: Was?

Shannon: Until she found that he was actually a she at one point. Of course, anatomically, he is still a she in the lower region. I have to warn you, Rick hits on anything that moves. He especially likes asking out new employees.

Rachel: Ok, forget about eating lunch today and thank God for this (wiggles her engagement ring). Where’s my office?

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Joey and Ross are playing cards)

Joey: What game are we playing again?

Phoebe: Joey, for the thirteenth time, we’re playing Go Fish.

Joey: The title of this game has nothing to do with cards. Who named this stupid game?

Ross: You know, Go Fish was actually developed by….. (Chandler and Monica enter)

Chandler: Hello children.

Joey: Thank God!

Phoebe: Well, are you pregnant? (Monica breaks down in tears) I guess not.

Chandler: Monica, come here. (Chandler takes Monica and leads her to their bedroom)

Joey: What they are going in there for? Somebody tell Chandler now’s not the best time for sex.

Ross: (to Joey) You are the biggest idiot I know.

(Chandler comes out of the bedroom)

Chandler: I haven’t seen her this upset since that man at Ross’ wedding said she was Ross’ mom.

Joey: That was pretty funny. (Everyone glares at Joey) Ok, I’ve got to get to the set. (Joey leaves)

Phoebe: What did the doctor say?

Chandler: He said she wasn’t pregnant. He said she was most likely late because of her birth control pills. And then as we were leaving….well let’s just say that she’s not late anymore.

Ross: Is there anything we can do?

Chandler: Just tell Rachel before she asks Monica about it.

Ross: Will do. (to Phoebe) Do you wanna come to Rachel’s office with me?

Phoebe: Sure. I love lingerie.

Ross: I don’t think they walk around in it Pheebs. (pause) But maybe they do, let’s go.

GENERAL HOSPITAL SET (Joey’s first day. He’s talking with the executive producer- Sarah and head writer - Colton).

Joey: So have you decided on a name for me yet?

Sarah: No, we’re still torn and we’re not sure if we are going to have you be a neurosurgeon either.

Joey: But that’s my acting specialty. I don’t know the other medical disciplines.

Colton: Ah Joey, remember that you’re not a real doctor.

Joey: Right, I keep forgetting about that. So what are we down to?

Sarah: Well, if we cast you as an Urologist, your name will be Dr. Dick Hertz. If we cast you as a Proctologist, your name will be Dr. Ben Dover. But if we keep you as a Neurosurgeon, your name will be Dr. Richard Head, though everyone will call you Dick for short.

Colton: Why don’t we do this? Joey, why don’t you take these three names home and decide who you want to be? You can bounce the names off your friends. See what they think.

Joey: Alright. But I’m already kind of leaning to Dr. Ben Dover. That name just sounds really familiar. By the way, what does a Proctologist do?

Sarah: Will get into that tomorrow.

Joey: Ok. Great. Well, I’ll see you guys later. (Joey leaves)

Colton: Don’t you just love messing with gullible actors?

Sarah: He’s gotta be the dimmest one we’ve ever had.

VICTORIA'S SECRET (Rachel’s setting up her office. Ross walks in)

Ross: Hey honey.

Rachel: Ross, what are you doing here?

Ross: What, I can’t come see the love of my life at her work?

Rachel: You wanted to see if there were any women walking around in the lingerie, didn’t you?

Ross: Maybe.

Rachel: Disappointed?

Ross: A little.

Rachel: Seriously, what are you doing here?

Ross: Actually I brought Phoebe too, she’s over there talking to some guy named Rick.

Rachel: No!

Ross: Yeah, they really seem to be hitting off. I think it’s good for Phoebe, it’s been a while since she dated anyone.

Rachel: Ross, Rick is a she!

Ross: So? (pause) Oh my God!

Rachel: What are we gonna do?

Ross: Well we’ll just wait for Phoebe to finish talking to him, I mean her, and then we’ll tell her.

Rachel: Ok, sounds like a plan. So why are you here?

Ross: Yeah that. Um, Monica’s not pregnant. I wanted to come and tell you before you called her. She’s really upset.

Rachel: No, she’s really not pregnant?

Ross: I’m afraid not.

Rachel: Well that kinda puts a bummer on an exciting day. Thanks for coming down here that was very sweet of you.

(Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Hey Rach! You never gonna believe this, but I just met the nicest guy. He’s a photographer and he said I have beautiful cheekbones.

Rachel: Really? What was his name?

Phoebe: Rick.

Rachel: Ah Pheebs, there’s something you should know about Rick.

Phoebe: Oh, what?

Ross: Rick’s actually a Ricki.

Phoebe: As in Rickey Henderson, the baseball player?

Rachel: No, as in Ricki Lake.

Phoebe: Huh?

Rachel: Rick is actually a she.

Phoebe: But, but that’s impossible!

Ross: Pheebs, this is 2001, nothing’s impossible.

Phoebe: Damn, I meet a nice guy and he turns out to be a male with a vagina!

Ross: Huh, it’s kinda like a lesbian in reverse.

Rachel: What?

Ross: A woman who became a man to like women. She should’ve just skipped becoming a man and became a lesbian.

CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Monica are present)

Monica: What if I never have a baby?

Chandler: Honey, it just wasn’t the right time. Don’t worry we’ll definitely have kids.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Of course, if anyone deserves to be a mother, it’s you.

(Joey enters)

Joey: Hey guys. How are you doing Mon?

Monica: I’m doing better, thanks for asking Joey.

Joey: Well I started my new job today. Yup, I’m the new doctor at General Hospital.

Chandler: So did they name your character?

Joey: Well it’s down to three names and each name corresponds to a different medical specialty. They kinda left it up to me.

Monica: Are you gonna tell us the names or make us guess?

Joey: Right. Let’s see, if I play an Urologist, my name will be Dr. Dick Hertz. If I play a Proctologist, I’ll be Dr. Ben Dover and if I play a Neurosurgeon, I’ll be Dr. Richard Head, but everyone will call me Dick for short. (Cut to Chandler & Monica who are laughing uncontrollably) Come on guys, this is a serious decision.

Monica: (still laughing) Well I definitely feel better now.

Chandler: Those names are even funnier then when he called himself Holden McGroin.

Monica: What about Josef Stalin?

Joey: This isn’t a laughing matter, I have to pick a name by tomorrow. Geez, I was hoping for your help. So seriously, which name should I go by?

Monica: Joey, none of these names seem funny to you?

Joey: No.

Chandler: So Dick Hertz means nothing to you?

Joey: No. I was kinda leaning towards Ben Dover anyway. Some help you guys have been. I’m gonna talk to a real doctor.

Monica: Who?

Joey: Ross. He can appreciate the importance in having a good name for a doctor. I’ll see you guys later.

Chandler: See you later Dr. Ben Dover.

Monica: Bye Dr. Dick Head. (to Chandler) Oh, my stomach hurts. He really has no clue.

Chandler: A couple of days ago they were gonna name him Seymour Butz. They should name him after where his brain resides, Peter North.

Monica: Or he could play a Gynecologist. They’d name him Harry Bush.

Chandler: You’re definitely feeling better.

Monica: I can always count on Joey for a good laugh.

PIZZA PARLOR (Phoebe and Ross are eating a late lunch)

Ross: I gotta say Pheebs, I haven’t had this much fun in a while. We don’t hang out together as much as we used to.

Phoebe: Too bad you saw Rachel first eh?

Ross: Yeah. I guess I won’t be needing you as my back up anymore.

Phoebe: Oh well, I guess you won’t get to experience Phoebe love.

Ross: Remember that time in the bar? I almost had Phoebe love that night.

Phoebe: Yes, but the balls kept getting in the way and you couldn’t get it out.

Ross: Whoa! Get what out? I’ve never had a problem getting it out.

Phoebe: No not that! Your foot, you couldn’t get your foot out.

Ross: Right! Hey, I’m sorry that thing with Rick didn’t work out.

Phoebe: Imagine my horror if I found out when we were getting it on?

Ross: Yes, that would life threatening.

Phoebe: For him.

Ross: That’s what I meant.

Phoebe: Do you think I’ll find someone someday?

Ross: Of course Pheebs. What guy in their right mind wouldn’t want you?

Phoebe: That’s so sweet. Rachel’s lucky to have you. It’s just, I just get this feeling that I’m gonna be the last one of us to get married.

Ross: Why?

Phoebe: I’m the only one not seeing anyone right now. Heck, even Joey’s in a monogamous relationship. Courteney’s perfect for him.

Ross: Yeah, they’re really good together. But hey, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t gonna meet someone who will sweep you off your feet. Hell, he could be right around the corner.

Phoebe: You’re really good at this.

Ross: Good at what?

Phoebe: Making someone feel better about themselves. Thanks Ross, I love you.

Ross: I love you too Pheebs.

CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Joey is the only one present. He’s on the phone talking to his agent, Estelle)

Joey: I dunno Estelle. I think Dr. Ben Dover would be a good career move. (pause) Well I know it might be a good experience to play an Urologist, but Dick Hertz sounds too much like a car rental company mascot. (pause) No, I really hate the name Richard. Yes I know they’d call me Dick, but Dick Head, that doesn’t sound Doctory enough. (pause- Chandler and Monica enter) Alright. Talk to you later.

Chandler: Did they turn off your phone again Joe?

Joey: Sorry, I locked myself out.

Monica: You locked your door? Why?

Joey: So others couldn’t get in.

Chandler: We should really start doing that too.

Monica: So, did you talk to Ross?

Joey: No, he wasn’t at home.

(Ross and Phoebe enter)

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Hi, I’m Phoebe, Ross’ new girlfriend.

Chandler: Well let me introduce you to the newest doctor on General Hospital. Phoebe, Ross, this is Dr. Dick Hertz.

Joey: I told you, it’s Dr. Ben Dover.

Ross: (laughing) What, was Dr. Harry Bush taken?

Joey: No. Dr. Ben Dover is more prestigious.

Phoebe: I don’t get it.

Monica: I’ll explain it to you later Pheebs.

Ross: Joey, you can’t let them name your character Dr. Ben Dover.

Joey: Why not?

Ross: Do me a favor. Bend over and pick that napkin on the floor.

Monica: Chandler! How many times do I have to tell you about you and your stupid napkins!

Joey: (bending over) Ok, I’ve got the napkin. What’s your point?

Ross: What are you doing?

Joey: I’m bending over. (pause) Oh! That’s why Richard Head is a bad name for a doctor.

Chandler: What?

Joey: A Neurosurgeon can’t be called Dick Head. It’s insulting.

Ross: And Ben Dover isn’t?

Joey: Huh?

Monica: Give him a second.

Phoebe: He might need a half hour.

Joey: Ben Dover. Oh! As in bend over and pick up the napkin. Yeah that’s definitely out. Alright, Dr. Dick Hertz it is. Ok, I have got a date with Courteney, I’ll see you guys later.

(Joey leaves)

Phoebe: He tells her that he’s now Dr. Dick Hertz and that date is over in a jiffy.

(Rachel enters)

Rachel: Why did Joey just introduce himself to me as Dr. Dick Hertz, Urologist?

GENERAL HOSPITAL SET (Joey’s again talking with the executive producer- Sarah and head writer - Colton).

Joey: Well I have decided on Dr. Dick Hertz, Urologist. I can’t believe you guys were trying to pull one over on me with Dr. Ben Dover.

Colton: Yup, you caught us. Dr. Ben Dover definitely was a prank. Out of curiosity, what didn’t you like about Dr. Richard Head?

Joey: Well if you shorten Richard to Dick, everyone would be calling me Dr. Dick Head. It just didn’t sound professional enough.

Sarah: Anything else?

Joey: Nope. Although, my friends really seemed to like the name Dr. Harry Bush, but they said it was better suited for a gynecologist.

Colton: We could make you a gynecologist if you want?

Joey: Really?

Sarah: No. Ok, enough with the name game. Joey, your character’s name is Dr. Ross Greco. You’re going to be the chief Neurosurgeon. Since you deftly called us on our prank, I feel that you’re perfectly suited to play a Neurosurgeon. Here are your lines for the week, we’ll see you tomorrow.

Joey: Ok. Thanks so much guys, I really appreciate the opportunity.

(Joey leaves)

Colton: You know, he’s the first actor who actually took the names seriously.

Sarah: Yeah, it’s pretty scary. Oh, and by the way, the next time we’re hiring an actor to play a doctor, the urologist’s name is Dr. Dick Trickle.

Closing Credits

CENTRAL PERK (Joey and Ross are present)

Ross: So what did they name your character?

Joey: Dr. Ross Greco. Everyone’s gonna call me Ross though. Hey, I’ll be you on TV.

Ross: God help me!

End