Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present, including Courteney)
Chandler: I see that you left work early Courteney. That’s not a good way to impress the boss.
Joey: Trust me Chandler, she knows how to impress the boss, if you know what I mean.
Courteney: Joey!
Monica: (to Chandler) You should take lessons from Courteney.
Chandler: Are you telling me to sleep with my secretary who happens to be Joey’s girlfriend?
Monica: Ah no….damn it! I can’t believe I screwed that up!
Chandler: (to Monica) Let’s leave the jokes to the professionals.
Phoebe: What’s everyone doing tonight?
Ross: You’re looking at it Pheebs.
Phoebe: Looking at what?
Rachel: We’re not doing anything Phoebe.
Phoebe: (to Ross) Seriously, what were you looking at?
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from Before)
Monica: Actually, Chandler and I are meeting with a realtor tonight.
Joey: What’s a realtor?
Chandler: A person that sells real estate.
Joey: You guys are gonna buy the apartment building?
Monica: No. We’re looking to buy a house on Long Island.
Rachel: Seriously?
Monica: Yeah. It’s not like we can stay here in the City forever.
Ross: Move to Scarsdale.
Rachel: Oh great, here it comes again.
Ross: What? Do you have something against Scarsdale?
Rachel: God no! You’ve only had us moving there since the first time we were together. Monica, Chandler, you guys should definitely move to Scarsdale. They’ve got a great school system and while the taxes are a little high, Monica’s parents will be close enough to babysit the two kids you’re gonna have.
Ross: Rachel, you’re giving away our plan!
Rachel: Oh. Sorry.
Chandler: Well as lovely as Scarsdale sounds, Monica and I wanna live in Long Island.
Phoebe: You guys should live in the Hamptons.
Monica: Phoebe, you’re the only one of us who can afford to live in the Hamptons. The rest of us don’t have any money.
Phoebe: God, it sucks being the only rich friend.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are getting ready to go somewhere)
Rachel: Would you hurry up!
Ross: I don’t wanna go.
Rachel: You’re going! If our pending marriage is gonna work, we have got to get all the crap on the table now.
Ross: I should have left you on the roof. (Rachel glares at Ross) Sorry, that was mean. Look, I have had plenty of practice at marriage. Why do I have to go to counselor now? This is my fourth marriage.
Rachel: And thanks to you, this is my second. And by the way, your track record at marriage sucks.
Ross: Hey, you were the one that suggested that we get married in Vegas. And hey, my track record doesn’t suck. (Rachel just looks at Ross) Ok, it does. Let’s go. Who are we going to see?
Rachel: For the tenth time, we’re seeing Dr. Brady Guertin. Jennifer highly recommended him. She used to see him when she lived in New York.
Ross: You told Jennifer about our fight?
Rachel: (weakly) Yes.
Ross: Well it looks like I have something to put on the crap table now!
JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Phoebe are hanging out)
Phoebe: Where’s the duck?
Joey: Oh yeah the duck, yeah, I ate him.
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Well I was out of food and Monica and Chandler stopped feeding me. I had to eat something.
Phoebe: Then eat the lint in your belly button! I can’t believe you ate the duck! What about the chick? Where’s the chick?
Joey: Yeah, I ate her a couple of weeks ago. Shake n Baked her. It was tough getting all the feathers off though.
Phoebe: I can’t believe you! You’re a vile, disgusting pig!
Joey: Come on Pheebs, they’re just animals. It was only a matter of time before somebody ate them.
Phoebe: My ears! My ears! I’m leaving, you, you flesh eating barbarian!
Joey: Ah Pheebs, before you leave, could you open the bathroom door?
Phoebe: What?
Joey: Please just open the door.
Phoebe: (walking towards the bathroom) Fine.
(Phoebe opens the door and the chick and the duck come walking out. Phoebe looks on in shock)
Joey: I’ll see you later Pheebs.
Phoebe: I’m gonna kick your ass Tribbiani. That was so not funny!
THE OFFICES OF DR. BRADY GUERTIN (Ross and Rachel are meeting with the Doctor)
Dr. Guertin: And you two have been together how long?
Ross: Off and on for about five years.
Rachel: More off than on. We dated for a year, he cheated on me, and I dumped him. Then we got back together a year ago.
Ross: Oh, we did get married two years ago.
Dr. Guertin: Let me get this straight, you’ve already been married once before?
Ross: But we were drunk, in Las Vegas and we’d thought it would be funny if we got married.
Dr. Guertin: Funny to who?
Rachel: To us. We were drunk.
Dr. Guertin: I see. (to Ross) Anyway, it says here that you’ve been married three times already. Do you like wedding ceremonies or are you just really bad at marriage?
Ross: No. The first marriage failed because my ex-wife became a lesbian. The second marriage ended because I refused to give up Rachel as my friend.
Rachel: It also didn’t help that you said my name at the altar instead of Emily’s.
Dr. Guertin: You said Rachel’s name at the altar?
Ross: Yes.
Dr. Guertin: Why?
Ross: It’s a long story.
Dr. Guertin: That’s why I’m here. Ok. We’ll come back to that. And the last marriage was a drunken mistake?
Ross: Yes.
Rachel: Was it ever a mistake. He lied to me and told me that he got an annulment but he never did. We were married for like four months.
Ross: Another case of bad judgment on my part.
Rachel: That happens a lot.
Ross: You should talk. You kissed your co-worker after we got engaged!
Rachel: Oh yeah? And me walking in on you kissing a naked woman on our bed wasn’t a bad case of judgment on your part?
Dr. Guertin: Ah, before you start fighting, if I may interrupt, when is your wedding?
Rachel: In five weeks.
Dr. Guertin: Ok. I think I should see you three times a week until then. How does that sound?
Ross: Three times a week? Why?
Dr. Guertin: Because based on what I’ve heard today, it’s gonna take that much time to figure you guys out.
JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are present)
Courteney: Did you order the pizza?
Joey: I thought you were going to.
Courteney: You said you were going to.
Joey: No I didn’t.
Courteney: Yes, you did.
Joey: Oh. Do you wanna go out for dinner?
Courteney: No.
Joey: Well then what do you want to do?
Courteney: I wanna move in with you.
(Joey’s face turns white)
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are returning from their visit with the realtor)
Monica: That last house we saw was so beautiful. I wanna buy it.
Chandler: It was half a million dollars! Do you have $500,000 lying in a mattress someplace that I don’t know about?
Monica: No.
Chandler: Well then how are we gonna afford the house?
Monica: Ask Phoebe for the down payment?
Chandler: What? (pause) That’s not a bad idea. You ask her.
Monica: Are you crazy? I was just kidding!
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey guys! How was the house hunting?
Monica: It was great. We found a house that we really liked. Actually, Chandler has a question for you. (Chandler shoots Monica a dirty look)
Phoebe: Oh. What?
Chandler: Nothing.
Phoebe: Come on, what is it?
Chandler: Do you have $300,000 we could borrow? No. That’s ok, doesn’t hurt to ask. See you later. (Chandler goes to leave)
Monica: Chandler! (Chandler stops)
Phoebe: You guys need $300,000? For what?
Monica: We found this house that’s totally pretty but it costs $500,000.
Phoebe: So why didn’t you ask me for $500,000?
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: I guess, I guess we didn’t want to be too greedy.
Phoebe: Well, all you had to do is ask.
Monica: You’re gonna give us the money?
Phoebe: Hell no! I’m not giving you $500,000.
Chandler: How about $300,000.
Phoebe: That’s a little bit more doable.
Monica: Really?
Phoebe: Can I have your apartment if you move?
Monica: Totally!
Phoebe: Interesting. But I’m still saying no! But hey, I will give you $300 to cover the appraisal cost.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel have returned from their trip to the counselor)
Ross: I don’t like Dr. Guertin. He blamed all of our problems on me.
Rachel: He didn’t blame them all on you. He said I should have never flown to London to break up your wedding. And, and, he said I should have never kissed Brad.
Ross: Fine. But he was wrong about our break up.
Rachel: What?
Ross: We were on a break.
Rachel: You say that one more time and I’m gonna handcuff you to the bedpost and leave you there.
Ross: I was kidding. I love you.
Rachel: I love you too. Now go get the handcuffs!
Ross: What?! (Sees Rachel is taking off her clothes) Oh baby!
JOEY’S APARTMENT (Continued from earlier)
Courteney: Joey? Joey? Are you ok?
Joey: Huh?
Courteney: Are you alright?
Joey: Yeah, I’m fine. So are we going out?
Courteney: No, I wanna stay in.
Joey: Here?
Courteney: Well we could go to my place if you want, but Phoebe and Ryan are gonna be there.
Joey: And that’s why you wanna move in with me?
Courteney: Is that why you’re acting weird? I was just kidding.
Joey: Really?
Courteney: Totally. I know better than to ask you about that.
Joey: Ok. Ok. How about this, you call for the pizza and I’ll go change my underwear.
Courteney: You don’t wear underwear.
Joey: Then I better change my pants because I think I just crapped in them.
THE OFFICES OF DR. BRADY GUERTIN (Ross and Rachel are meeting with the Doctor)
Dr. Guertin: Nice to see you again. Ok, before we get started, I want to say one thing to the both of you.
Ross and Rachel: Ok.
Dr. Guertin: In my thirty years of practice, I have never seen a couple with a weirder history than you two.
Rachel: Thank God, I thought you were gonna say you weren’t gonna see us anymore.
Dr. Guertin: On the contrary, you two need counseling more than any couple I know. I could write a book about you two.
Ross: So should we pick up where we left off?
Dr. Guertin: Sure. Let’s see, we were discussing the reasons why you were justified in sleeping with the Copy girl.
Rachel: There were no good reasons for him to sleep with the Copy girl.
Dr. Guertin: I know. But Ross fails to understand that.
Ross: We were on a break!
Rachel: (to Dr. Guertin) See what I have to live with!
CENTRAL PERK (Joey, Chandler, Phoebe and Monica are present)
Phoebe: Where are Ross and Rachel?
Monica: They went to see their counselor.
Chandler: I still don’t see why they’re going to some shrink.
Joey: They’re going to the shrink so they can better understand each other and make their love for each other grow.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don’t know, I just repeating what Monica said.
Phoebe: Mon we have to go, the movie’s starting in ten minutes.
Monica: Ok. See you later honey, I love you.
Joey: I love you too honey.
Monica: Very funny Joey.
Chandler: (to Joey) What did I tell you about sleeping with my wife?
Joey: Can I talk to you for a minute?
Chandler: Sure. But I thought that’s what we’ve been doing?
Joey: I think Courteney wants to move in with me.
Chandler: That’s great!
Joey: What? It’s not great! It sucks!
Chandler: Why?
Joey: ‘Cause if she moves in then I’ll have to ask her to marry her in a year.
Chandler: What are you talking about? Just because she moves in with you doesn’t mean you have to ask her to marry you in a year. Where did you get that crazy idea?
Joey: From you.
Chandler: I never said that.
Joey: But that’s what you did.
Chandler: Huh?
Joey: You moved in with Monica and a year later you asked her to marry you.
Chandler: So? That doesn’t mean anything. It’s not like it’s a law or something.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yes!
Joey: Oh. So should I ask Courteney to move in with me?
Chandler: Why are you asking me?
Joey: Well I figured you’d tell me whether or not I should ask her.
Chandler: Do you love her?
Joey: (quietly) Yeah.
Chandler: What?
Joey: (a little louder) Yes
Chandler: I still can’t hear you.
Joey: (shouting) I love her, I’m crazy about her. Did you hear me that time?
Chandler: The whole coffee house heard you. (pause) If you love her and you want her to move in with you, then yes, ask her to move in with you.
Joey: That’s what you told me when I was gonna ask Kate to move in with me. I asked and then she dumped me.
Chandler: What do you want me to say?
Joey: Should I ask or not?
Chandler: I just told you to ask her!
Joey: Ok, ok. I’ll ask her.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed. They’re not talking to each other)
(long period of silence)
Ross: We’re not going back to Dr. Guertin.
Rachel: Why not?
Ross: Because apparently you think it’s a great place to drop bombs on me.
Rachel: How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?
Ross: I’ll let you know when you have apologized enough.
Rachel: Come on Ross, it’s not like I slept with him to hurt you.
Ross: You slept with Mark!
Rachel: So, you slept with Chloe. Look, we had already broken up. I was sad and it just happened. It only happened once, I swear.
Ross: You slept with Mark!
Rachel: Ok, you repeating that over and over again is not gonna make it go away.
Ross: I was right about him. Admit it, you wanted him from the moment you met him.
Rachel: That’s not true!
Ross: Then why did you sleep with him?
Rachel: I told you, I was sad. It’s the same reason why you slept with Chloe.
Ross: Nah uh.
Rachel: Please! You slept with Chloe because I said I wanted a break from us.
Ross: So?
Rachel: Oh, so it was ok for you to sleep with Chloe but it’s not ok that I slept with Mark?
Ross: It’s totally different. I didn’t like Chloe.
Rachel: What? Your telling me that you didn’t like Chloe?
Ross: Exactly. We were both drunk and I made a mistake. You slept with Mark willingly.
Rachel: (disgusted) Fine. I’m not gonna argue with you about this anymore. I love you, not Mark. What’s in the past is in the past. (Ross gets out of bed) Where are you going?
Ross: To sleep on the couch.
Rachel: Why?
Ross: Because I don’t feel like sleeping with you tonight. You have Mark cuties.
Rachel: (getting out of bed and grabbing Ross’s arm) Hey!
Ross: Let go of me.
Rachel: No. Look Ross, I made a mistake in sleeping with Mark. But you have no right to feel like I betrayed you in anyway. We had broken up and the last time I checked, that doesn’t mean I cheated on you.
Ross: But you slept with him. He’s the reason I lost you in the first place.
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: You were to blind to see it, but he was after you from the moment he met you.
Rachel: That’s not true!
Ross: Eh! Rachel, who was the first person you hugged when you found out you got the job at Bloomingdale’s.
Rachel: (long pause- then weakly) Mark.
Ross: See. That was the beginning of the end. You hug Mark instead of your boyfriend.
Rachel: I never realized that. Oh honey, I’m so sorry.
Ross: And you wonder why I was so jealous of Mark.
Rachel: Why didn’t you say anything?
Ross: I tried, but every time I tried to bring it up, you got mad at me.
Rachel: I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. I do know this though, I have never ever loved anyone as much as I love you. What we have is so special to me and I want nothing more than to be your wife and be with you forever.
Ross: If I ever hear you say you slept with Mark again, I’ll throw you out the window.
Rachel: And if you ever bring up Chloe again, I’ll cut off your peepee.
Ross: Where are the handcuffs?
Rachel: In the bedroom, why?
Ross: You’ve been a bad girl and you need to be arrested and strip searched. (Ross chases Rachel into their bedroom)
JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are in bed)
Courteney: That was, oh my God, I don’t know how to describe it.
Joey: I know. I’m that good.
Courteney: I can’t stop shaking. That, that defines the Big O.
Joey: Move in with me.
Courteney: What?
Joey: Move in with me.
Courteney: You want me to move in with you?
Joey: Yeah.
Courteney: Why?
Joey: Because I like to be around you.
Courteney: You want me to move in with you?
Joey: Well I do have a spare bedroom to fill. Come on Courteney, move in with me.
Courteney: Oh my God, I don’t know what to say.
Joey: How about yes?
Courteney: Yes! Yes! I’ll move in with you!
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are in bed)
Chandler: Man I wish we had more money.
Monica: I know, I so wanted that house.
Chandler: Well at least we have each other.
Monica: Oh honey, that’s so sweet. (pause) But if a rich man comes along, I’m dumping you and buying that house.
Chandler: You do that. I’ll marry Phoebe and we’ll see who gets the house first.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey guys!
Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing here? We could have been having sex.
Phoebe: I waited two minutes before I entered. It doesn’t take Chandler much longer than that.
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: She’s right you know.
Chandler: Still. I’m improving my stamina.
Monica: Yes you are. (to Phoebe) What do you need?
Phoebe: I have decided to lend you guys the $300,000.
Monica: Really?
Phoebe: Sure, it’s only money.
Chandler: You don’t have to do this Pheebs.
Monica: Chandler!
Phoebe: I know, but I really want to. I don’t need the money, I still have plenty left.
Monica: Thanks so much Phoebe. (to Chandler) We’re gonna get our house!
Chandler: I think its time to prove to you that I’ve gotten more stamina!
Monica: Bring it on baby!
(Chandler and Monica start making out)
Phoebe: Ahem.
Monica: Oh, Pheebs, do you think you could leave us alone now?
Phoebe: Can I join you?
Chandler: Sure, the more the merrier.
Monica: Chandler!
Closing Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Phoebe: Geez, everything is changing. You guys (points to Monica and Chandler) are moving to Long Island, Ross and Rachel are getting married, and Courteney’s moving in with Joey.
Joey: Ah Pheebs, we’ll always be there for you.
Chandler: Yeah, they haven’t even accepted our offer yet.
Monica: But they will! Yeah baby!
Phoebe: Ross, why are your wrists bruised?
Ross: Oh that, yeah, Rachel and I were playing a game.
Joey: What kinda game?
Rachel: Let’s just say he’s been a very bad boy and I had to teach him a lesson.
Joey: You guys stole Courteney’s handcuffs didn’t you!
End