The One With All The Giant Turkey Legs

Written by Tigris.

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright,
Kaufman and Crane.

Scene One [Opens up in Joey and Chandler's place. They are sitting in the armchairs watching a telethon. Chandler turns off the TV, swings around in the chair, and gets up to walk to the kitchen.]


Chandler: Are you as bored as I am?

Joey: (swinging around in the chair towards the kitchen) Yup.

[Chandler gets a juice out of the fridge and opens it.]

Chandler: We need something fun to do. (he takes a sip of his juice)

Joey: (thinking hard) Hmmm...(snaps his fingers) I know...let's play Hide-n-seek!

Chandler: (sarcastic) Yeah well, I would but I didn't have my Wheaties this morning so I really don't feel up to the challenge.

[Cuts to the Hallway and Ross is getting ready to go into Monica and Rachel's]

Joey: (whining) Oh come on. You play with the chick and the duck all the time.

[Ross hears Joey and gets a questioned look on his face and stops to listen. Cuts back to Joey and Chandler's]

Chandler: (taking another sip of his drink) Yeah but that's different.

Joey: Oh yeah, and how's that?

Chandler: Well first of all, they're birds, and second of all...they can't really do anything about

[Cuts back to the Hallway. Ross gets an even more questioned look and steps closer to their door to hear better.]

Joey: (whining) Awwwww ...pleeeease...come on, play with me.

[Ross gets a surprised look on his face and mouths "Joey?". Cuts back to Joey and Chandler's]

Chandler: (unsure) Well...

Joey: (tempting) You know you want to.

Chandler: (excitedly) Yeah, I do. (he puts down his drink)

Joey: Ok, go out in the hall.

Chandler: Why?

Joey: Well I don't want you to see me while I'm getting ready. (he starts to look away and then looks back at Chandler) Well...go on. I'll only be a minute.

Chandler: (reluctant) Oh all right. (he turns toward the door)

[Cuts to the Hallway. Ross takes a couple steps from the door and Chandler walks out. He notices Ross standing there.]

Chandler: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

[Chandler turns around and rubs his hand together in anticipation. He looks over his shoulder and notices Ross standing there starring at him.]

Chandler: What?

Ross: (supporting) I just what you to know man, if this is what makes you guys happy, then it's ok with me.

[Ross walks into Monica and Rachel's. Chandler has a puzzled look on his face. After a moment he realizes Ross must have heard some of his conversation and that it didn't sound too good. He is taken back for a second but soon recovers.]

Chandler: (excited) Oh no, no, no! We were playing Hide-n-seek.

Ross: Whatever you want to call it man. Really, it's ok with me.

[Chandler looks frustrated and then walks toward his door.]


Opening Credits


Scene Two [Everyone except Joey is hanging around Monica and Rachel's. Joey busts into the apartment with a big bag and he is very excited about something.]


Joey: (very excited) Hey guys, guess what!

Phoebe: (catching Joey's excitement) OH! A guessing game! I love these.

[Rachel looks at Phoebe and chuckles. Then she looks back at Joey.]

Rachel: (smiling) Ok Joey, give us a clue.

Joey: (still very excited) All right. Does the word medieval mean anything to you?

[Short pause]

Ross: (plainly) No.

Joey: Ok, ok. (excited again) Next clue, I've got five of them.

Chandler: (mocking Joey's excitement) Oh, oh! I know. You got a five star rating from "Overexcited Weekly".

Joey: (glances at Chandler) Nooo. All right third clue-

Monica: You know what Joey, just tell us.

Joey: (disappointed) Ok...(excited again) I got a job playing a knight at Renaissance Fair tomorrow...yeah this one guy got really sick so they needed someone to fill in what is supposed to be an easy part, so they picked me. And, and, since I'm working there I get free tickets, so I got one for each of you!

[Joey stands there with his arms spread and a big, wide, open mouthed smile, waiting for a big reaction. Everyone catches on and they all "Ohhh" and "Ahhh". Joey gets a satisfied look on his face.]

Joey: (remembering something) Oh, and one more thing. (reaching into the bag) You have to wear middle-aged clothes, so I got you some of these loaner costumes. (he starts passing out the costumes) Rachel, Chandler, Ross, Phoebe, and Monica.

[They all hold up their costumes and look them over. Rachel's is a light green dress with a very poofy skirt part, Phoebe's is a very elaborate and queenly dress, Monica's is a plain brown dress with a very low cut neck line, Ross' is dirty looking peasant farmer's garb, and Chandler's is a skintight, red and yellow checkered jester's outfit with a big jester's hat, complete with bells and bell tipped shoes.]

Chandler: You got me a jester's outfit?

Joey: Yeah. Isn't it great? I saw it and was like "Now that's Chandler".

Rachel: (laughing at Chandler) Yeah, you got to admit it is a pretty good match.

Chandler: (to Rachel) Ma-ha-ha-ha.

[Chandler looks at Joey and Joey gives him a big smile. He replies with a pained smile.]

Joey: Ok guys I got to go practice so I'll see you all tomorrow. (he starts to leave)

Ross: Yeah I got to go too. I've got this birthday thing to bring Ben to.

[Everyone says "Bye" and Joey and Ross leave together.]

Monica: (to Chandler) So let's see you put on that little, or should I say very large-

Phoebe: And jingley...

Monica: (adding to her statement) And jingley hat.

[Monica smiles and Rachel and Phoebe start laughing at him.]

Chandler: (seeing the girls laugh at him) Oh no, grade school flashback.

[Chandler walks out of the apartment and the girls stop laughing for a second and than they all pick up again.]


Scene Three [Opens up in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is standing in the kitchen wearing her dress. She is making a cup of coffee. Rachel walks out of her room in her dress. She is trying to flatten the poofy skirt part of her dress.]


Rachel: (still playing with her dress) Does this make me look fat? (Monica shoots her a "come on" look) What? There might be some cute knights there and I want to look good.

Monica: Yeah, well at least your boobs aren't falling out. (pointing to her neck line) Look at this thing. (she repositions her boobs)

[Chandler busts in wearing his costume. He has added to it a pair of brown shorts. Rachel and Monica stare at him.]

Rachel: Oh my God...Chandler!

Monica: (pointing to his shorts) What's with the shorts?

Chandler: Well, as you can see this is a skintight didn't feel like being on display. I mean, is there anything wrong with that?

Monica: No not at all.

[Chandler gets a satisfied look on his face thinking that they believed his excuse.]

Rachel: (smiling) Worried you don't have a big enough bulge?

Chandler: (denying) Nooo!...(ashamed) Yeah.

[Monica and Rachel chuckle. Ross walks in wearing his costume.]

Ross: Ok guys, let's get going. I've got Phoebe holding two cabs for us.

[Cut to outside. Phoebe is standing on the sidewalk in her costume. Two cabs are parked in front of her.]

Phoebe: (royally) I am the queen. I command you to wait for my friends.

Cab Driver: (unenthused) Whatever.

[Cuts back to Monica and Rachel's]

Rachel: Yeah ok, let's go.

[Rachel starts to leave. Monica puts down her coffee and starts to walk away. She takes two steps and then turns back around to wash out her cup and hang it up.]

Ross: Come on Mon, let's go.

Monica: (hanging up her clean cup) Sorry. I just...

Chandler: Yeah we know.

[Ross nods to Chandler in agreement and notices he's wearing shorts over his costume. Monica follows Rachel out of the apartment. There is a short pause while Ross tries to comprehend the purpose of the shorts. He reaches a conclusion.]

Ross: (plainly) Bulge problems?

[A short pause]

Chandler: (disappointed) Is it that obvious?

[Ross nods his head and Chandler spins around and walks out the door. Ross follows him and shuts the door.]


Scene Four [Opens up at the fair gates. They all walk through handing their tickets to the Gate Man. Chandler is the last to walk through. He hands his ticket to the Gate Man and he notices Chandler's shorts. The Gate Man shakes his head with a small grin on his face. Chandler notices this and walks off angrily. They are all standing just inside the gate. People who are walking through the gate are starring at Chandler. Chandler turns around and sees a little kid laughing at him.]


Chandler: (to the group) Can we please move away from here?

Rachel: (noticing why Chandler is upset) Oh yeah sure.

[They move away from the gate. They are looking around wondering what they are supposed to do.]

Chandler: Man, these shorts are supposed to say, "Hey, I'm a nice modest guy who doesn't need to show off the goods." not "Hey, I have no wee-wee!".

[They all laugh a little (except Chandler) at his comment. Phoebe looks at Monica and sees that one of her boobs is ready to fall out.]

Phoebe: Hey, um, Mon, your boob's falling out.

Monica: (looks down) Oh! (she fixes herself) Thanks.

Phoebe: No problem, I know what it's like.

[Monica smiles at Phoebe. Rachel turns around and sees Joey.]

Rachel: Oh look! There's Joey.

[Rachel waves to him and he sees her. He waves for them to come over. They all walk over to him. He is clad in a lot of heavy looking armor.]

Monica: Wow Joey, you look great.

Phoebe: Yeah, but isn't that stuff heavy?

Joey: Nah. It was at first but now I'm used to it. See?

[He moves around to show them but the armor is too heavy and awkward so he falls.]

Rachel: Oh Joey, are you all right?

Joey: Oh yeah. I'm fine.

[Joey struggles to get up but can't. He laughs an embarrassed laugh.]

Joey: Could you guys help me up?

All: Oh yeah sure.

[They struggle to stand him up but the finally succeed.]

Joey: Thanks. Well sorry to cut it short but I have to go. My battle is in about an're all going to be here watching right?

Rachel: (smiling) Oh yeah, we'll be here.

Chandler: (chuckling to him self) Yeah, we wouldn't want to miss that.

Joey: (to Chandler) Hey man. I barely noticed you. You're standing back there so quiet. Let me see your suit.

[Chandler steps forward reluctantly. Joey looks it up and down.]

Joey: Looks great.

Chandler: (grimacing) Yeah.

Joey: And the shorts...(giving Chandler thumbs up) smart move.

[Chandler rolls his eyes. They all say "Bye" to Joey and Joey goes off to practice.]

Rachel: Ok Phebes and Mon, let's go check out some guys.

Chandler: Oh what? You're just going to leave me and Ross here?

Rachel: Oh I sorry. Where are my manners? Do you want to come check out guys too?

Ross: Actually... (he looks at Chandler and sees the look on his face) no, no we don't.

Rachel: Well ok then.

[They all say "Bye" and they start to go in different directions when Monica stops them.]

Monica: Wait before we split up, don't you think we should have a set time and meeting place to get back together?

Chandler: (sarcastic) Yeah we should but that's going to be hard, oh I know we could all meet back here, since this is where Joey's fight will be, and we could meet back in an hour, since that's when Joey's fight starts.

Ross: Boy, that was a hard one. Good thing we had Monica to bring it to our attention or else we might not have thought of that.

[Chandler and Ross laugh at the successful burning of Monica. Rachel and Phoebe try to laugh quietly but Phoebe lets a little laugh slip out and Monica shoots a quick glare at both of them. The smiles vanish from their faces.]

Phoebe: (trying to cover up) I just couldn't help laughing at,, (pointing at Chandler) Chandler's shorts

Chandler: Glad to help.

[Phoebe nods to Chandler in thanks and this time they all say "Bye" and the guys go in one direction and the girls in another.]


Scene Five [Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are walking around. Phoebe and Monica look like they really don't have much interest in looking for guys.]


Phoebe: So what exactly is it that we're doing again?

Rachel: (slyly) Going to look for guys.

[Just then Monica spots a dueling game. The lure of competition is too much.]

Monica: Not me. I'm going to kick some ass. Want to come?

Rachel: You know what Mon, no not really.

Monica: (as if her idea was the best in the world) Ok, suit yourself. (she starts to walk away)

Phoebe: Oh, I want to.

Rachel: (pleading) On no Phebes, don't leave me. I mean, Monica can take care of herself but me I, I can't. What if, what if some knight tries to attack me or something.

[Monica give Rachel an "oh brother" look]

Monica: Go ahead Phoebe, I'll catch up a little later.

Phoebe: Ok.

[They exchange "Byes" and Monica goes off. Phoebe and Rachel continue along. Phoebe still looks disinterested. Rachel spots a food stand.]

Rachel: Oh look Phoebe, you want to get something to eat? I'm starving.

Phoebe: Yeah ok.

[They walk over to the stand. They look at the menu.]

Phoebe: Oh I can't eat here. All they have is meat.

Rachel: Oh, sorry Phebes. (to the lady behind the counter) I'll have one of those big turkey legs.

[Rachel gets her food and starts eating. Since the leg is so big she gets turkey juice all around her mouth. She tries to lick it off but is unsuccessful]

Rachel: Did I get it all off?

[Phoebe looks at her and sees she still has a lot on her face.]

Phoebe: Um, no.

[Phoebe goes to wipe it off and realizes this would be a good chance to get her back for making her do boring stuff. She wipes off just a little bit.]

Phoebe: There, now it's all gone.


Scene Six [Cuts to Chandler and Ross watching a fake battle.]


Ross: Man, this is great! It's, it's like traveling back in time.

Chandler: Oh yes. And it's just the time I'd want to travel back to. I mean if the lack of personal hygiene and indoor plumbing doesn't make you want to well then the Black Plague will.

Ross: Oh come on, you're just mad because you have to wear...

Chandler: A checkerboard?

Ross: Yeah, well, well at least you don't look like you should smell like cow manure.

[Chandler nods in agreement. Ross notices a food stand.]

Ross: Hey look, it's one of those giant turkey leg stands. You want to get some?

Chandler: Yeah sure, then I'll have an excuse for why I'm wearing shorts.

[Ross gives him a questioned look.]

Chandler: (explaining) I could say I dropped my leg on my lap so I'm covering up a stain.

Ross: Oh, ok. Much better than the "modest" thing.

[They walk over to the stand. They each get a leg and then start walking around again. A drunken man sees Chandler's costume and decides he's going to make fun of him. He walks over to Chandler and Ross with some friends standing behind him.]

Ross: Um, can we help you?

Drunken Man: Yeah, I just wanted to know why your friend here has bells on his funny hat. (he and his friends start laughing)

Chandler: Oh that's my anti-theft device. Now if someone tries to steal it I'll know right away from the nice jingley noise they make. (he demonstrated the noise) And by the way, there is a nice make shift shower over there. (he points away)

Drunken Man: Yeah, so. What do I care.

Chandler: Oh I'm sorry. I, I thought you needed it. I mean from the looks and smell of you I thought you had fallen in the horse poo pile. (Chandler and Ross laugh)

Drunken Man: You little...

Chandler: Run!

[Chandler and Ross take off running and throw their turkey legs behind them hoping to distract the men that are chasing them. Luckily they manage to out run them and hide in a tent. A few seconds later the Drunken Man and his friends run by them.]

Ross: Man, that was close.

Chandler: Yeah but that was pretty funny, huh?

Ross: Yeah it was a good one.

[They both chuckle about it and Ross looks at his watch.]

Ross: Oh, we better start heading back. Joey's fight starts soon. Is it clear?

Chandler: (peeking out of the tent) Yeah. Let's go quick before they come back for those turkey legs we threw at them.


Scene Seven [Cuts to Rachel and Phoebe walking around. Phoebe still looks disinterested but also has a little grin on her face. Rachel looks disappointed and still has turkey juice all around her mouth.]


Rachel: Are you sure I don't have turkey juice on my face.

Phoebe: Oh yeah.

[Monica comes up to them with a giant turkey leg and notices the turkey juice on Rachel's face. She sees Phoebe motion for her not to laugh and she fights it back.]

Monica: Hey guys.

Rachel: Hey Mon. So how'd it go? Did you "kick some ass?"

Monica: Yeah I did that but not the way I would have wanted to.

[Cut to earlier and Monica is in the ring starting her fight against a guy. Monica's voice is heard describing the events.]

Monica: You see, I had to fight a guy cause a girl would have been way to easy a challenge. So we were fighting and I was moving around dodging his attacks.

[Monica is jumping around and dodging her opponents swings. She moves around so that her back is facing the camera. Just then her opponent stops fighting and drops his jaw.]

Monica: Then I notice the guy has stopped fighting and his mouth is hanging open. So I look down and sure enough, one of my boobs had fallen out. The right one to be exact.

[Cuts back to Rachel and Phoebe. Rachel gasps.]

Phoebe: Man, I knew I should have gone with you.

Monica: Yeah so needless to say when that happened he stopped fighting and started starring.

[Cuts back to Monica's fight. Monica fixes herself, smacks the guy in the face with her padded jousting stick and he goes down in one hit]

Monica: So I put my boob back in my dress and sent him to the mat in one hit.

[Cuts back to Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe.]

Monica: So how was your escapade?

Rachel: Well...I said hi to this really cute guy and he walked away, then I said hi to another cute guy and he walked away, so I lowered my standards and kept lowering my standards until I said hi to the ugliest guy I've ever seen and he walked away. I just don't get it. I mean they wouldn't even at least say hi back. Not one guy was interested.

Monica: Well maybe that's because you have turkey juice all around your mouth and even a little on your eyebrow.

Rachel: What?! (she runs over to a mirror and sees that Monica was right) Oh my God! Phoebe?! You said I didn't have anymore on me.

Phoebe: (acting surprised) Oh, oh my God! What happened? How'd that get there? I swear I didn't even notice it.

(Rachel gives Phoebe a "yeah right" look) Oh all right, I knew it was there. But, but you wouldn't let me go have fun with Monica and her story was much cooler.

Rachel: Oh Phebes, I'm sorry.

Phoebe: Yeah me too.

[They both hug .]

Rachel: Ok, now help me clean this stuff off.

Phoebe: All right.

[Phoebe helps Rachel clean off her face. Monica looks at her watch and sees the time]

Monica: Um, Joey's fight starts in...five minutes and thirty-four seconds, well thirty-one seconds now so lets get going.

Phoebe: Yeah ok.


Scene Eight [Cuts back to were they met Joey. He's standing there with a giant turkey leg waiting for the rest of the gang to get there. Chandler and Ross come running up to him and they are both out of breath. Joey looks at them wondering why they are out of breath. Chandler sees his look.]


Chandler: Just didn't want to be late for your fight dude.

Joey: Oh ok.

[Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe come walking up to the guys. Monica is just finishing off her turkey leg.]

Rachel: (to Joey) Oh, so you did get a turkey leg. I was going to ask if you had.

Joey: What, are you kidding? I've had five of these so far today.

[Horns blow from the arena]

Joey: Ok guys, that's my call. I got to go but I'll look for you in the stands.

Rachel: We'll be there. (to Chandler and Ross) So what did you guys do?

Ross: Oh nothing really.

Monica: So why are you out of breath?

Chandler: Long story.

Phoebe: But Ross just said you didn't do anything.

[They all look at Ross for an explanation]

Ross: You know what...we better get some seats before all the good ones are taken. (he walks away)

Chandler: So how was your day?

Phoebe: Well Rachel and I didn't do much but Monica's boob fell out.

Monica: The right one to be exact.

[They all walk into the arena stands]


Scene Nine [Cuts to everyone minus Joey. They are looking at the camera like they are watching the fight. They are sitting in their seats and the fight is starting.]


Phoebe: Oh look there's Joey!

[They all wave. The sound of metal clanking is heard. A particular loud hit is heard and they smiles disappear from their faces and they stop waving. Another loud hit is heard and the girls turn away.]

Chandler: Oh look there's Joey, and there's Joey, oh and look, there's another piece of Joey.


End Credits


Scene Ten [Cuts to them talking to Joey after the fight. They are standing where they first met Joey earlier. Joey still has on his armor but it's all banged up and dirty now.]


Chandler: I can see why the other guy called in sick.

Monica: Yeah, didn't that hurt?

Joey: (hiding pain) Oh no. Not at all.

Ross: I got to hand it to you man. You did a hell of a job.

Joey: Thanks.

[Chandler looks around and sees the Drunken Man coming towards them with a big gang of men.]

Chandler: Um, I hate to cut it short but could we get going, like now?

Ross: What, why- (he notices the Drunken Man) Uh, yeah let's go. I'm, I'm really tired. (he fake yawns)

Rachel: What? It's only six.

Chandler: (coming clean) Ok look. You see that mean looking guy with an army of men?

Rachel: (confused) Yeah?

Ross: Well they want to kill us.

Monica: Is that why you were out of breath?

Joey: No. They didn't want to miss the fight.

Phoebe: Yeah ok. Enough with the chitchat. Let's get out of here.

Rachel: Yeah ok.

[They all take off running. Joey tries to keep up but his armor weighs him down.]

Joey: Hey guys, wait for me.