The One Where They Go To The Knicks Game

Written by: J.

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, Chandler and Monica are sitting together on the couch, Phoebe is playing
her guitar on the lounge chair, and Ross and Rachel are sitting at the table. Joey walks in with some tickets in his

Joey [Excited]: Chandler! Ross! Guess who has 6 tickets to the Knicks Game tonight???

Chandler: Someone who has enough money. Which you don't.

Joey: Well, there was a director at my gig last week and he didn't need them...So he gave them to me!

[Everyone congratulates Joey, except Ross, who stares]

Ross [Suspiciously]: Waitaminute...You didn't get that gig last week.

Joey: Well, uh...I'm uh...Friends with...

Ross: You stole them?

Joey: NO!

Ross: Well what did you do?

Joey [SUPER fast]: WellwewerepeeingnexttoeachotherintheurinalandIpeedonhisshoea
ndtookthemoutofhispocketwhenhebentoverandranaway. Is THAT stealing?

Phoebe: Yeah.

Monica: Pheebs! You HEARD that?

Phoebe: Well duh! Geez, get a hearing aid!

[Opening Credits]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. 3 hours to game time. Ross, Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are watching TV.
Monica and Rachel are in the lounge chair together and Ross and Phoebe are on the couch. Joey and Chandler walk in,

Joey: Ross, bad news.

Ross: What?

Chandler: OK, Jim, Alex and Jay couldn't go. We're short 3 tickets. Looks like we'll need to scalp the tickets.

Rachel [Outraged]: Well HELLO!

Joey: Hi!

Rachel [Outraged]: Why don't you take US! I've never been to a basketball game!

Joey: Us? Take You? To a Knicks game? HAHAHAHHA!

[Chandler is laughing very hard. Monica stands behind him and smiles innocently as she pinches his butt.]

Chandler [jumping]: OWW!

Monica: Wanna' take us to the Knicks game now?

Chandler: No!

[He gets another pinch]

Chandler: I mean that'd be great!


[Scene: Phoebe's cab. Joey, Ross, and Rachel are in the front seats, Joey driving. Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are
in the backseat.]

Joey: I don't believe we're takin' you guys.

Rachel: EXCUSE ME?

Joey: You don't know the FIRST THING about Basketball.

Monica: I bet us girls are more useful at Basketball than you boys.

[Joey, Ross, and Chandler start laughing]

Chandler: Care to make it interesting?

Monica: YEAH! If we get the autograph to ONE celebrity, you owe us a hundred bucks...A PIECE.

[Ross and Chandler look unsure]

Joey [Confidently]: You're on!

Ross: JOEY!

Joey [confidently smiling]: And how about this...If you can find a way to get me Patrick Ewing's autograph...Us guys
will pay you 200 a piece!

Ross: JOEY!

Chandler: Why why why why is he doing this?

Joey: And they're playing the Spurs...If I get David Robinson's autograph outta' one of you girls...300 a piece!

Ross [Slamming the dashboard]: JOEY!

Chandler: Are these words actually coming out of your mouth?

Joey: But if WE win...[Smiles], you guys have to put on a little Wrestling action...In bikinis...In mud.

Chandler [Excited]: Never mind, IT'S WORTH IT!

Rachel: NO WAY!

Monica: WE ACCEPT!

Rachel: WHAT!?

Monica [Holding out her hand]: Hey, look at my hand. Steady as a rock.


Monica [Confidently]: But that won't happen this time.

Ross: So we have a bet?

Monica: WE HAVE A BET!

Phoebe [singing to her guitar]: To the game, to the game, to prove the girls are not a shame. Chandler's sexist, Joey's a
pig, and when I prove them wrong.....I'll be doing a jig!

[Scene: Madison Square Garden. At the Halfcourt seats, 10 rows away from the court. The Friends arrive in their
seats, but someone has taken them]

Ross: Umm...Excuse me sir?

Man in Seat [British Accent]: Yes?

Ross: I, uh, I think you're in our seats.

Man in Seat: I highly doubt it.

Rachel: Nonono. See our tickets? Row J Seats 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6. That's HERE!

Man in Seat: Well I don't believe you.

[The man resumes watching the announcer call the starting lineup. Confused, the Friends go to a nearby
concession stand]

Rachel: NO!

Joey: Why not?

Rachel: Because we'll get arrested!

Joey: Are you sure?

Rachel: Joey, you CANNOT punch that guy out!

Monica: Damn, this sucks.

Chandler: How the Hell did he get the same tickets as us? Even security said he had the right seats.

Joey: I got an idea.

[Joey whispers into Rachel's ear.]


[Chandler smiles and gives Joey a high-five until he sees Monica staring at him angrily.]

Chandler: I mean that was immature, Joe.

Phoebe: That's it. I can't let this British snob push us around. It's time to take charge! Street Phoebe's back and
she's ready to kick ass!

[The friends walk back to their seats and Phoebe picks the man up by the shoulder.]

Man in Seat: What on Earth is this about?

Phoebe: HEY! Those are OUR seats. GET OUT!

Man in Seat [Scared]: Okay okay. Come Dear, come Melba, come Sarah, come Samantha, come Beatrice.

[The man and his family get up and move.]

Monica [sitting down]: Wow, Pheebs, that was great!

Phoebe: Yeah, I know, I kick ass.


[Scene: The seats. The Friends are watching the game from their seats. From right to left it's Joey, Ross,
Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe. Joey has an aisle seat.]

Joey [Whispering to Ross]: Hey, let's go to the locker rooms.

Ross: What?

Joey: Okay, we're halfway into the 1st quarter. I say we go sit by the bench. That way I could tell the players NOT to
give Monica, Rachel, or Pheebs autographs!

Ross: Joey, are you nuts? That's insane.

[Ross turns to his right to see Chandler inches away from his face.]


Chandler [Whispering]: He's right, man.

Ross: -Sigh-, okay, let's go.

Joey: Hey, girls...We're gonna' go...Get some beers.

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Yeah, get me one.

[Joey, Chandler, and Ross leave, and on the way to the 'players only' section, Chandler has to pee. They stop at a
bathroom and Joey and Ross stand outside.]

Ross: So how are we gonna' get inside?

Joey: Ross, this is ME!

Ross: And...?

Joey: I'm an ACTOR!

Ross: God help us.

[Chandler walks out of the bathroom. Joey now has to pee. Chandler and Ross stay outside.]

Ross {Looking at the floor]: What's that?

Chandler: What's what?

Ross: [Pointing to floor]: THAT!

Chandler: I don't know.

[Ross picks it up off the floor, Chandler looks disgusted as Ross dusts it off.]

Ross: Oh my gosh! This bone looks like it belongs to a dinosaur! A herbivore! It makes PERFECT sense because at
last weeks seminar, Dr. Pitain was explaining how they found dinosaur bones right here in the arena! This looks like it was from possibly a Triceratops. Maybe a toe.

Chandler [Deadpan]: Oh yes. It looks like it came out of the boreiffic era.

[Ross shoots him a glance]

Chandler: Hey, Ross. That girl is totally checking you out.

[Ross looks behind him at a concession stand only to see a beautiful blonde woman staring at him and smiling.]

Ross [Smiling at Chandler]: We'll see if SHE thinks this came out of the Boreific era!

Chandler: Oh no. You're gonna' show her that bone?

Ross: Oh yes.

[Ross walks off to talk to the girl]

Chandler: ROSS! No! Come on, man, it looks like a buffalo wing!

[Joey walks out of the bathroom]

Joey [smiling]: Guess what I wrote on the wall?

[Chandler looks at him like he's weird.]

Joey [smiling]: Guess.

[Chandler shakes his head and continues to watch Ross.]

Joey: What're you lookin' at?

Chandler: Ross is going to talk to a girl.

Joey: Go Ross!

Chandler: And he just found what he thinks is a dinosaur

Joey: Go Ross!

Chandler: And he's going to talk to her about it.


Chandler: Have you been reading my dictionary again?

[Chandler sighs and continues to look at Ross]

[Scene: A bar inside of Madison Square Garden. Ross is sitting next to a beautiful woman talking to her]

Ross: So, your names Merideth?

Merideth: Yeah.

Ross: I'm Ross.

Merideth: Pleased to meet you.

[They talk for a few more minutes as Chandler watches from outside giving Ross hand signals as to what to do next and
Joey searches for a way to the benches. This woman is really starting to like Ross...until...]

Ross: Y'know, this is a GREAT day for me.

Merideth: Why?

Ross: Well, I'm at a Knick's game, I meet a beautiful woman, and I found a dinosaur bone on the floor.

[Ross holds up the bone that he found. It has green glop on it. Merideth is disgusted.]

Merideth: Um...I have to go.

Ross: But-but-but...

[Merideth gets up and leaves. The bartender comes and grabs the bone out of Ross's hand]

Ross: HEY!

Chandler [From outside]: And I thought only I could repel a woman like THAT.

Bartender: Buddy, why would you want a Buffalo Wing dipped in Guacamole?

Ross: Guacamole?

[Commercial Break]

[Scene: 5 minutes later, back in the seats, Monica realizes something.]

Monica: You guys, they've been gone awfully long...

Rachel: And...?

Monica: I think they're going to try to sabotage our chances of getting those autographs. Come on! We gotta' go!

Phoebe: Yeah, let's go!

Rachel: Not you, Pheebs! Who's gonna' watch the seats?

Phoebe: Rach, you leave me out on everything! London, Danny, when Monica had that crush on Joey...Everything!

[Phoebe realizes she's talking to no one when she sees Monica and Rachel already walking down the stairs to the
next floor.]

Phoebe: Damn!

Woman sitting next to Phoebe [Singing]: Smelly Cat, smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, Smelly cat, it's
not your fauuuult.

Phoebe [Surprised]: Where did you hear that song?

Woman: I made it up!

Phoebe [Outraged]: Oh no you did not!

Woman: Yes, I did.

Phoebe: DID NOT!

Woman: Did too!

[Phoebe nudges the woman. The woman shoves her back.]

Phoebe: Shut up you stupid plagiarismistic...Smelly....Cat!


[Scene: Monica and Rachel walking down the stairs, trying to get to the court]

Girl sitting in an aisle seat: Oh COME ON! Hats are so out!

[Rachel stops dead in her tracks at hearing this]

Girl 2 [With hat]: Are not!

Girl 1: I don't know WHAT I'm going to do with you, Alyssa.

Rachel: Hold on Mon.

Monica: What?

Rachel: I need to talk to this girl about fashion.

Monica: Rach...Forget it.

[Monica walks on, Rachel staring at the girl.

Rachel [To Girl 1]: Actually...Hat's are in.

Girl 1: Yeah right! Who are you anyway?

Rachel [Proudly]: I just happen to be a certain fashion expert! Yup, I even worked for Mongomery Wards! So ha!

Girl 1: Any way, Alyssa, don't listen to Ms. 6-Months-Ago over here.

[Rachel grabs a soda from a salesman]

Rachel: I'll owe you one.

[Rachel dumps the soda on the girl and runs away]

[Scene: In front of a big door that says 'Players Only'.

Ross: Well, I guess it stops here.

Joey: Why?

Ross: JOEY! The sign says 'players only'. Do you play NBA?

Joey [Looking at a concession stand]: Not yet.

[Scene: 5 minutes later, Joey walks out of the bathroom wearing a Jersey and Shorts he bought from the concession
stand. It's a Patrick Ewing jersey.]

Ross: You're insane! You're going to trick people into thinking you play for the Knicks!

Joey: Not necessarily, buddy, I'm going to say I'm Patrick Ewing!

Chandler [Sarcastic]: I know Ross. You're insane for thinking JOEY would do something remotely dumb.

[Joey nods at Chandler, not realizing his sarcasm.]

Joey: Trust me.

[The boys walk through the door and walk, passing the locker rooms and such. Joey sees the floor in view. But not before they're stopped by a security guard.]

Guard: Where do you boys think you're going?

Chandler: Back to our seats! Come, Ross!

[Chandler tries to run, but Joey stops him]

Joey: To the court, sir.

Guard: Do you have backstage passes?

Joey [grinning]: I didn't think Patrick Ewing needed a backstage pass.

Guard: You're not Patrick Ewing.

Joey: And why not....uh....


Guard: Alright, boys, back to your seats.

Joey: NO! Run Chandler! Run Ross!

[Joey runs past the guard, who starts to run after them until he realizes Ross and Chandler are still there.]

Chandler: I don't know him, really.

[The cop pulls out a nightstick. Chandler and Ross run out onto the court with Joey.]

Commercial Break

[Scene: The stairs to the floor. Monica sees Joey, Chandler, and Ross running onto the court]

Monica: Rach, is that...?

Rachel: No, it couldn't be.

[Monica sees Joey stopping to grab a hotdog and wink at a girl]

Monica: Yep, it's them. Let's go!

[Monica runs onto the court.]

Rachel: MONICA! Oh, why do I try?

{Rachel follows Monica onto the court. Joey is harassing the players not to give Monica and the girls autographs. Monica
is trying to GET an autograph. Chandler and Ross are dodging cops. Rachel is standing next to Steve Kerr, who she finds attractive.]

Rachel: Hi.

Steve Kerr: Hi.

Rachel: How are you?

Kerr: Great...

[They stare at eachother for a little bit...And then start kissing.]

Monica [To Patrick Ewing]: Gimme an autograph! Gimme an

Joey [To Patrick Ewing]: DON'T DON'T DON'T!

[Monica tackles Joey]

[Ross stares at Rachel kissing Steve Kerr]

[Chandler is staring at a woman in the crowd who is staring back at him]

[Monica, Joey, and Ross get up to see who Chandler's staring at.]

Chandler: Oh...My...God.

Janice [Woman in crowd]: Oh....My....Gawd.


[Scene: On the court. Everyone is watching Chandler look at Janice except Rachel, who is still kissing Kerr.
Suddenly, the Friends hear something coming from the crowd]

The ENTIRE crowd: Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

[The Friends look up at their seats to see Phoebe playing the guitar and singing, leading the whole crowd]

Phoebe: It's not your fauuuult.

Phoebe [To the old woman who was singing Smelly Cat earlier]: I TOLD you I made it up.

Phoebe [Under her breath]: Bitch.

Phoebe: ONE MORE TIME! Smelly Cat! Smelly Cat! What are they feeding you?