Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica and Courteney are present)
Monica: So Rach, hows the job search coming?
Rachel: Its not. Theres nothing in this damn City for me, I might as well go back to serving coffee for a living. (Gunther approaches) I mean, its like when I used to work in this hell hole, it took me 2 ½ years to find a job. I wont work here again! (Gunther backpedals) I dont know what Im gonna do.
Ross: Sweetie, youll find something. Its only been a week and half and besides, you have a recruiter working for you this time.
Chandler: Yeah Rach, we use Ms. Phelps all the time to find quality employees. Of course, she did bring Courteney into my life.
Courteney: Hey, Im a quality employee!
Chandler: Then why are you here instead of at work?
Courteney: Because youre here.
Phoebe: Shes got you there.
Chandler: Yes, but unlike Courteney, I get paid no matter what.
Courteney: (hurriedly leaving) See you back at the office Chandler.
Monica: You are so mean!
Chandler: What? I cant help it if she doesnt realize when Im lying.
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before. Chandler has returned to the office)
Phoebe: Rach, have you talked to Mark? Maybe he could get you a job at Liz Claiborne.
Rachel: I didnt even think of that. What a great idea! Im gonna call him right now.
(Rachel gets up to use the phone)
Ross: (to Phoebe) What did I ever do to you?
Phoebe: What?
Ross: (mimicking Phoebe) Talk to Mark, wonderful Mark will get you a job!
Monica: Oh my God, youve got to be kidding me. Ross, Rachels marrying you for Petes sake, I hardly think Mark is a threat anymore.
Ross: He broke Rachel and I up.
Phoebe: Ross, you guys broke up because you slept with the Copy Girl.
Ross: Do you have to remember everything?
Monica: Phoebes right Ross, Mark had nothing to do with your break up. Geez, if you can't trust Rachel after all you guys have been through, then you shouldn't be getting married again.
Ross: You don't think I know that?
Phoebe: Not really.
(Rachel returns)
Rachel: (excited) Ive got a new job! Ive got a new job!
Ross: What?!
Rachel: Mark got me a new job in his department!
Ross: What?!
Monica: Thats great Rach! What are you gonna be doing?
Rachel: Im gonna be the senior buyer in Marks Department, I'm gonna be working directly under him.
Phoebe: So Mark is gonna be your boss?
Rachel: Yeah, isnt it great!
Ross: (sarcastically) You're gonna be working under him? That's such great news! You're gonna be working under him.
Rachel: Are you alright?
Ross: I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm just happy for you! Ok, I have to go. I've got a class to teach.
Rachel: Your class isn't for another two hours.
Ross: Look at that, I'm not even prepared. Ok, I, I better go. See you later honey.
Rachel: What's the matter with him?
Phoebe: It's Ross, there's always something wrong with him.
JOEY'S APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV, Ross enters)
Ross: Hey.
Joey: What are you doing here?
Ross: Rachel is going to be working under Mark.
Joey: Is this some kind of dirty math problem?
Ross: No, she got a new job at Liz Claiborne and Mark is going to be her boss.
Joey: Who's Mark?
Ross: The Mark that broke up Rachel and I four years ago.
Joey: Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Chloe break up you guys?
Ross: Why does everyone always focus on that?!
Joey: 'Cause you slept with her?
Ross: He's gonna do it again. He's gonna break us up again. This is just real familiar territory. This is how it all started the last time.
Joey: Dude, you've got to chill out. First, you're marrying Rachel and second, Chloe got fired from the Copy Shop so you don't have to worry about her anymore.
Ross: She got fired? Why? Never mind. That doesn't have anything to do with this.
Joey: Exactly.
Ross: Ok, you're making no sense.
Joey: Look, Chloe's out of the picture right?
Ross: Yeah, so?
Joey: So things can't repeat themselves. She's not gonna be there to seduce you with her belly-button ring again when you and Rachel fight over this.
Ross: Rachel and I are not gonna fight over this.
Joey: Fine. But when you do, remember what I said, Chloe won't be there to seduce you.
Ross: You know, I should've just talked to the chick and the duck. Thanks anyway. (Ross leaves)
Joey: Talk to the chick and the duck, like they know who Chloe is.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler and Monica are present)
Chandler: You know, I was thinking about this whole baby thing, maybe its not such a good idea right now.
Monica: What? Youre having second thoughts?
Chandler: I just dont think Im ready.
Monica: Chandler, youre never ready for anything.
Chandler: Whats that suppose to mean?
Monica: Well, you werent ready to get married.
Chandler: Thats not true. I had no second thoughts at all.
Monica: Then why did you show up 30 seconds before we were to walk down the aisle?
Chandler: You know why! The limo you hired never picked us up!
Monica: Oh, so its all my fault!
Chandler: Ah, yes!
Monica: You know what, I dont even wanna bear your child now. Ill see you around. (Monica leaves)
Chandler: Damn it! Im staying with Joey again!
PHOEBE & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Phoebe is cleaning)
Phoebe: Does she use the plates? I think so! (finds something sticky and moldy in the sink) What the hell is that! Oh my God! It looks like, like a dirty hamster!
(Courteney enters)
Courteney: Hey roomie!
Phoebe: (mad) Dont hey roomie me! What the hell is this? (throws the sticky and moldy object at Courteney)
Courteney: (surprised) Hey! What in the hell is your problem?
Phoebe: (mad) You! This place is a sty! You never clean up after yourself! I am not your Mom!
Courteney: (yelling) You sure sound like her!
Phoebe: I want you out! Were finished as roommates!
Courteney: What?
Phoebe: You heard me! I want you out!
Courteney: Fine! Ill be out by the end of the week!
(Courteney leaves)
Phoebe: (calmly) That didnt go so badly.
NEW YORK UNIVERSITY (Ross is finishing his lecture)
Ross: And thats how we knew that some dinosaurs walked erect. Any questions? (sees student raise hand) Yes Nicole?
Female Student: So some dinosaurs walked around with huge erections? (class laughs)
(Chandler enters the classroom)
Ross: No. No Nicole, the dinosaurs walked on two feet. Thats what we mean when we say they were erect. In sexual terms, they didnt walk around sporting erections.
Chandler: But if they did the female dinosaurs wouldnt have wanted anything to do with those monsters.
Ross: Ok, class dismissed. Remember, midterms are in two weeks. Be like all good college students and start studying now. (to Chandler) You had to do it, didnt you?
Chandler: I can never pass up a good erection joke.
Ross: What are you doing here?
Chandler: Your sister and I had a huge fight and I dont know what to do.
Ross: What did you do this time?
Chandler: All I said was that I didnt think I was ready to have kids.
Ross: You told her that?
Chandler: Yes.
Ross: Youre dumber that I thought.
Chandler: Look, I love Monica and I want to have kids with her, but Im just not ready.
Ross: Chandler, when you have kids youre never ready. When I had Ben, it took me the entire first year of his life to feel like a Dad.
Chandler: Really?
Ross: Yeah, I mean, I still feel like a second hand Dad at times. I mean heck, hes primarily being raised by two lesbians. If that doesnt damage a kid, I dont know what will. But you know what, I still love Ben the same. And hey, in your case, you and Monica will be the sole parents.
Chandler: Not if Monica is sleeping with the mailman.
Ross: What?
Chandler: Sorry, the jokes just keep coming.
Ross: The question is, when is the right time to have kids. You both have to agree on that. Dont do it just because shes ready. You have to be ready too.
Chandler: I still am a kid. (Ross just looks at Chandler) Ok, ok, Ill talk to her. Thanks man.
Ross: Hey, youre my brother-in-law, thats what were for.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating dinner)
Rachel: Youre overly quiet tonight, whats wrong?
Ross: Nothings wrong. Tough day at work.
Rachel: Oh, what happened?
Ross: Nothing really, my students just werent really interested in what I was teaching.
Rachel: (laughing) How is that different than any other day? (pause- realizes Ross isnt laughing) Ok, that obviously wasnt funny. Anyway, I start my new job on Monday.
Ross: Great.
Rachel: Thats all you have to say? Great?
Ross: What do you want me to say?
Rachel: How about being supportive?
Ross: (snappy) Fine, I am very happy for you and I hope you do really well.
Rachel: Youre upset because Mark is my boss.
Ross: No.
Rachel: Oh my God, youre upset because Im working with Mark again. You think Im gonna leave you for him.
Ross: Wouldnt be the first time.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: I didnt say anything.
Rachel: Mark did not break us up Ross, Chloe did!
Ross: Well he sure got the ball rolling now didnt he!
Rachel: Ugh, Im not having this fight with you! How can you not trust me?!
Ross: Oh I trust you! I trusted you the first time. But no, you had to go work with wonderful Mark. So fine, you go work under Mark, if you know what I mean!
Rachel: Get out!
Ross: This is my apartment!
Rachel: Not anymore! Get out! And dont bother coming home!
(Ross leaves and Rachel sits down on the couch and cries)
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey is watching TV and eating dinner. Courteney enters)
Joey: Hey Court, whats going on?
Courteney: I need a place to stay for a few days.
Joey: Why?
Courteney: Phoebe kicked me out.
Joey: Why?
Courteney: Apparently she thinks Im a slob and cant handle me anymore. (pause) Can I move with you?
Joey: (surprised) Um, I dont know. Its kinda soon dont you think?
Courteney: But I need a place to stay.
Joey: Let me think about it ok.
Courteney: Alright.
(Ross enters)
Joey: (to Ross) What are you doing here? Wait dont tell me, you and Rachel had a fight about Mark didnt you.
Ross: No.
Joey: Then why are you here?
Ross: Cause Rachels going to work for Mark.
Courteney: Whos Mark?
Joey: Long story, not enough time.
Ross: Can I crash here tonight? Rachel kicked me out.
Joey: Wasnt that your apartment to begin with?
Ross: Apparently not.
Joey: Yeah, you get the spare bedroom.
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey.
Courteney, Joey, and Ross: Hey.
Joey: Whats your story?
Chandler: Monica isnt speaking to me again and I need a place to crash.
Joey: You can sleep on the pullout.
Chandler: (to Ross) What did you do?
Ross: Mark.
Chandler: Oh, you didnt. (looks at Ross) You did. What was the last thing you said?
Ross: Something to the effect that Rachel should go sleep with him.
Courteney: Sounds like youll be in Joeys spare bedroom for a long time.
Joey: Welcome to Hotel Tribbiani.
CENTRAL PERK (Rachel, Phoebe and Monica are present)
Rachel: Well I think the weddings definitely off.
Monica: I should think so, I cant believe he told you to just go sleep with Mark.
Phoebe: Rach, you can move in with me, Courteneys leaving by the end of the week.
Monica: What did she do?
Phoebe: Shes a slob.
Monica: Like the way you were a slob when you lived with me?
Phoebe: Ok, no. Youre just super anal when it comes to cleanliness. I mean we had a moldy thing growing in the sink that looked like a greenish hamster.
Rachel: You know what? Maybe the three of us should just move in together. We dont need those guys. Well, Joey can come cause hes never a problem.
Phoebe: Oh, that would be great! We could be the three girlskeeters.
Monica: That would be great but I married Chandler and I have to work this out with him. Ill see you guys later. (Monica leaves)
Phoebe: What about you Rach?
Rachel: I dont know, I dont think Ive ever been this hurt by Ross before.
Phoebe: What about the time he slept with the Copy Girl?
Rachel: Ok, this is the second most Ive ever been hurt by him. I mean, why doesnt he trust me? Is there something about me that is untrustable?
Phoebe: Rach, hes just a real insecure guy. I really dont think he means to hurt you. I sometimes think he just doesnt know why youre with him.
Rachel: Im with him because I love him.
Phoebe: Maybe he needs to hear that.
Rachel: And maybe Courteney needs to know what you expect for cleanliness before you hastily kick her out.
JOEYS APARTMENT (Joey, Courteney, Chandler and Ross are sitting around.)
Joey: Ok, youre sleeping with me, (points to Courteney) youre in there (points to Ross) and youre on the couch (points to Chandler). Did I forget anybody?
Chandler: What about the chick and the duck?
Joey: Right. (pointing at the chick and the duck) You guys are in the bathroom. Goodnight. Courteney, lets go.
Courteney: I love it when hes so forceful.
Chandler: He sounds like Monica.
Ross: Or Rachel.
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica is eating breakfast. Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey, I just came home to shower and change and then Ill be gone. (walks towards the bedroom)
Monica: Chandler, wait.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Dont you think we should talk?
Chandler: About what?
Monica: Us.
Chandler: Whats there to talk about? Youre mad at me because I dont want kids right now and you do.
Monica: Yes I was mad, but I forgot that you have a say in this marriage too.
Chandler: Can you hold on a minute? I need to get that on tape.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Ok. Look, I talked with Ross and he made me realize some things.
Monica: This ought to be good. (Chandler stares at Monica) Im sorry, go on.
Chandler: Look, I love you. I may never really be totally ready to have kids but I know that eventually I will want them. I just want to spend some time with you as a married couple. Lets do some crazy things as a married couple first and then have kids. Once we have kids, then the time for us will be limited. Cant we just spend a couple of months acting like newlyweds before we start planning for the future?
Monica: Sounds good to me.
Chandler: Thats it?
Monica: (hugging Chandler) I love you and I think that its a great idea to act like newlyweds for the next couple of months. When we have kids, we both have to be ready. Youre not ready to have kids, in fact, youre still a kid.
Chandler: I thought so too.
PHOEBE & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Courteney is packing her stuff. Phoebe enters)
Courteney: (cold) Hi.
Phoebe: (warm) Hi. Im so glad youre here.
Courteney: Excuse me?
Phoebe: Look Courteney, Im very sorry that I snapped at you and told you that I want you out. I dont want you to go anywhere. I want you to stay my roommate.
Courteney: Thats great Phoebe, but its a little late. Im moving in with Joey.
Phoebe: You cant move in with Joey!
Courteney: Why not?
Phoebe: Its too soon. You need to stay here with me.
Courteney: No, I dont think so.
Phoebe: Please, please dont move in with Joey!
Courteney: Why not?
Phoebe: Cause I dont wanna lose another roommate and friend. And Im really sorry that I asked you to move out. It was just that time of the month for me.
Courteney: Your period?
Phoebe: No, my bitchy day of the month.
Courteney: Ok, Ill stay. One thing though, if you could mark your bitchy days of the month on the calendar, that would be great. Then I would know to stay at Joeys that day.
Phoebe: Its a deal.
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Rachel is getting ready to leave when Ross enters)
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Um, I know Im not supposed to be here, but I came to pick up some clothes and essentials.
Rachel: Ok. Ill see you later. (Rachel goes to leave)
Ross: Rach?
Rachel: Yeah?
Ross: I love you.
Rachel: Thats nice.
Ross: Is this it?
Rachel: I dont know Ross. You tell me.
Ross: I love you, doesnt that matter?
Rachel: Is that why you told me to go sleep with Mark?
Ross: (quietly) No.
Rachel: What?
Ross: (a little louder) I said no. Look, I was angry.
Rachel: No Ross, you dont trust me.
Ross: Thats not true.
Rachel: Why else would you get all jealous and bent out of shape?
Ross: Because Im insecure and I dont know why youre with me.
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: Why are you with me? I am a geek who teaches Paleontology to college students who dont care. I have had three failed marriages. The first was with a lesbian, the second lasted as long as our courtship and the third was a drunken mistake. Face it, Im a loser.
Rachel: Youre anything but a loser. Im with you because I love you. I dont care about the marriages. Hell I was part of the third one. Look, you make me happy, at least most of the time.
Ross: I dont wanna lose you again.
Rachel: Then stop telling me to go sleep with other men. You know, I can only think of one other time when I felt as hurt as I was last night.
Ross: Chloe?
Rachel: Do I even have to affirm that?
Ross: No. All I can say is that Im deeply sorry.
Rachel: Do you trust me?
Ross: Of course I do. Why would you doubt that?
Rachel: Because every time a Mark comes along, you get extremely jealous. Is marriage your answer to the jealousy? Is that why you asked me to marry you?
Ross: I asked you to marry me because I love you. My answer to the jealousy is to hear from you that you love me for who I am.
Rachel: Then listen to me carefully, I love you for who you are. I dont need anyone else.
Ross: I love you too. Now what?
Rachel: Well if its any consolation to you Im not taking the job at Liz Claiborne.
Ross: Why not?
Rachel: Because I got offered a better position with Victoria's Secret.
Ross: As a model?
Rachel: Dont you wish. No, Im the new Head of Purchasing for the East Coast.
Ross: Thats so cool. Do you get to bring home the outfits?
Rachel: Only if you stop telling me to sleep with other men.
Ross: Ah, Monica said the weddings off.
Rachel: Monica doesnt know what shes talking about. But I should warn you, you have to stop pissing me off.
Ross: Im a guy, I cant make that promise. Thats why you wear the pants in this relationship.
Closing Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present, including Courteney)
Joey: I see everyone made up. Thank God, Hotel Tribbiani was overflowing with tenants.
Courteney: I better not be included in that tally.
Joey: Youre my favorite tenant.
Chandler: Thats only because she sleeps with manager.
Monica: At least somebodys been getting some lately.
Rachel: Amen to that.
Ross: (to Chandler) I think that was directed at us.
Phoebe: Hey, dont forget about me, I havent had sex in three months.
Joey: Do you want some help with that Phoebe?
Courteney: Joey!
Joey: Just trying to help a friend in need.
End