The One with the Futile Attractions

Written by: Firestorm17

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

{This fanfic is meant to pick up where "TOW There's Something About Chandler leaves off, more or less. Pretty much, the situation is that Janice has just found out that Chandler is on this continent. She doesn't know about Chandler and Monica. This is a warning. Near the end of the story, there are some of the most disturbing sentences written that were not written by Stephen King. Also, it turns out that Robyn has a "Janice" of her own. His name is Chad and he's played by Thomas Haden Church ("Wings", "Ned and Stacey", "George of the Jungle", etc.) Chad is meant to be really weird, but not to the point where he's a danger to himself and others. As a secondary story, Ross and Rachel are going to explore the specifics of why Rachel's mother hates Ross.}

[Central Perk. Everybody except Robyn and Phoebe is clustered around the coffee table. Ross and Rachel are together on the couch. Monica and Chandler are sharing one of the chairs. Joey is sitting alone in another. Robyn, however, is practically plastered against the front window.]

ROSS: Do you really have to do that every five minutes?

ROBYN: Yes! (Phoebe enters from the kitchen and discreetly adjusts her hair and clothing in order to disguise what she was just doing.)

PHOEBE: What's she doing?

MON: I don't know. (She and Phoebe join Robyn at the window.) What are you looking at, anyway?

ROBYN: (She doesn't take her eyes off the window.) I'm just making sure that my seriously deranged ex-boyfriend Chad isn't out there. (She finishes checking.) Oh, thank God.

CHAN: (He's enjoying this way too much.) What happened? I thought you were supposed to believe in "being open and honest with your ex".

ROBYN: I do, and so does she. Right, Janice? (Chandler tries to turn around and look, but only succeeds at falling out of his chair.) You can get up now. She's not really there, but I think I proved my point.

MON: Are you okay, honey? (She helps Chandler to his feet.)

CHAN: (He's being cute in a pathetic sort of way.) I think I bruised my lips. Can you kiss them and make them better?

MON: Anything to help. (She kisses Chandler. Everyone else turns the other way.)

JOEY: Hey, hey, there's people here! (Monica and Chandler stop kissing and get back in their chair.)

ROBYN: (She pretends that didn't happen.) Anyway, Chad is different.

PHOEBE: What do you mean?

ROBYN: Well, he's the kind of guy who makes a girl feel like a movie star.

RACH: Like a movie star? Isn't that supposed to be a good thing?

ROBYN: Not when it's Jodie Foster.

Opening theme.

[Central Perk. Everybody's still there. Rachel is giving Ross instructions.]

RACH: So, we're having dinner with my mother at Giovanni's at 8:15. . .

ROSS: Does she still hate me?

RACH: Of course she doesn't hate you, honey.

MON: Yeah, I'm sure that when she called you "that miserable excuse for a human being that's propping up the hair gel industry", she meant it with love.

ROSS: All right, I can't do this. I just know she's going to hate me.

JOEY: What are you talking about, man? Moms love you. I know Chandler's mom did.

CHAN: Oh, by all means, bring that up.

ROSS: You're right, man. Moms do love me. So, I am going to go out there and win her over.

ALL: All right, Ross!

RACH: Oh, and sweetie? Please don't kiss my mom.

ROSS: (laughing) You know I wouldn't- I would never- (ashamed of himself) Okay.

[Central Perk. About 15 minutes later.]

ROBYN: Well, I'd better get going. I really don't want to run into Chad here.

MON: How would he even know you hang out here?

ROBYN: He'd know because if he bought the whole "no ingles" thing, the first thing he'd do is call Tyler. And we all know how monumentally stupid my brother can be. I mean the guy hit on Janice, for God's sake.

CHAN: Hey! I've hit on Janice too, you know.

ROBYN: Yeah, but you hadn't mistaken her for a transvestite.

JOEY: Want to bet?

ROBYN: Whatever. I'd better get moving before that lunatic finds me. (Unbeknownst to her, Chad is standing right behind her.)

CHAD: You know, Robyn, if some guy's bothering you, all you have to do is call me. (Robyn turns around and jumps in shock.)

ROBYN: Oh, good. It's just you. You scared me.

CHAD: Don't be scared. You know I'd drop whatever I was doing and come right over to protect you.

ROBYN: (She's less than thrilled.) Really? You would?

CHAD: Nothin's too good for my Robbikins. (Chad laughs in his own annoying way.)

ROBYN: (She looks sickened.) That won't be necessary. I'm fine.

CHAD: Great. I'll see you tonight.

ROBYN: Tonight?

CHAD: Of course. I would never leave my best girl home alone on a Saturday night.

ROBYN: Stop it, Chad. I'm not your best girl.

CHAD: Don't be so modest. You're way prettier than the girls I download off the Internet. Seven okay with you?

ROBYN: Chad, we need to talk.

CHAD: Great, see you then. Love you. (He leaves. Robyn sighs and puts her head down in her hands.)

PHOEBE: You know, you two make the best couple.

ROBYN: (She raises her head and shoots Phoebe a dirty look.) Phoebe, the day I become a couple with that guy will also be the day I go down to the subway and hug the third rail.

CHAN: Then, by all means, don't let us keep you. It sounds like you've got a busy day ahead of you.

ROBYN: (completely casually) My brother still has Janice's phone number.

CHAN: And I'm shutting up.


[Central Perk. Everyone's still there. Chandler is still annoying Robyn.]

CHAN: Do you know how great it is to know someone else who can't face their ex?

ROBYN: Shut up.

CHAN: You see, everybody else around here has a spine.

ROBYN: Shut up!

CHAN: But us?

ROBYN: Did I forget to say shut up? You don't know Chad the way I do. The guy's insane. The first time I had sex with him, he duct-taped funnels to his chest and ran through my building screaming (imitates Chad) "I was like a virgin! I was!"

CHAN: Sure, but who hasn't done that?

ROBYN: (She gives Chandler an "I can't believe you just said that" look.) And you better believe they asked me to move out. What about you? Did Janice ever do anything that crazy?

CHAN: (He's completely embarrassed.) Well, actually. . .

[Time lapse]

ROBYN: Let me get this straight: you spun this woman off the bed; you threw a bag of barley at her; you stole one of her shoes, and she's the one who won't leave you alone?

CHAN: Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

ROBYN: Is it even possible to be that good in bed?

MON: Believe me; it's possible. (The women laugh. Chandler turns bright red.)

ROSS: Ladies and gentlemen, my little sister.

JOEY: Hey, I just had a thought.

CHAN: (He pretends to be shocked.) Somebody call Ripley's!

JOEY: Chandler, I think she's a little too busy fighting aliens to care about your love life. (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Anyway, I was just thinking that you guys would have a lot less problems if you'd just dump Chad and Janice.

ROBYN: (She pretends to think about that.) It's a nice idea, Joe, but how would we get them to the distant planet?

JOEY: (He doesn't realize that they're having fun at his expense.) Just an idea. Well, I'm meeting Jeff for lunch. See you guys later.

ROBYN: As obvious as that was, he did have a point. Sooner or later, we're going to have to cut those two loose.

CHAN: You don't understand. I've tried. The plan that worked the best was that Yemen thing and we all know how well that turned out.

ROBYN: You think it's any easier breaking up with Chad? The man doesn't know the meaning of the word "no". He's not all that clear on "Get lost", "Go away", or "I'm calling the cops" either.

CHAN: So, I guess we're stuck with them. Any ideas where I could pretend to move to this time?

ROBYN: Wait a minute. I just had an idea I don't think either of us have tried yet.

MON: You mean being completely open and honest with them?

ROBYN: Actually, I was thinking more like telling them that the voices in our heads don't like them.


[It's much later. Joey has returned from lunch, and they're now discussing one of Chandler's weird dreams.]

CHAN: So in this dream, Monica and I were getting married.

ROSS: So I take we're talking about a nightmare here.

MON: Shut up and let him talk.

CHAN: Thanks, Mon. So we're getting married, and get this; I am completely naked.

MON: See? It sounds like one of my good dreams.

RACH: Mon? We really don't need that image.

JOEY: Hey, speak for yourself. (Everyone looks at Joey strangely.) What?

CHAN: (He's disregarding that last part.) Anyway, I'm at our wedding, I'm naked, and like five people stand up and object.

ROBYN: To the marriage?


[At this point, Rachel's mom (SAND) walks in the door.]

RACH: Mom! Hi! (Rachel gets up and hugs her mom.)

SAND: Honey, you look so good. It's so nice to see you again.

RACH: You guys remember my mom, right?

ALL: Hi, Mrs. Green.

ROBYN: Hi, you haven't met me before. I'm Robyn. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Green.

SAND: Nice to meet you, dear. And you kids should really call me Sandra.

ROSS: Did you have a nice trip, Sandra?

SAND: You can call me Mrs. Green.

ROSS: Okay.

[It's been a couple of hours, but everyone is still there.]

SAND: Oh, it's so sad when young people get divorced.

ROBYN: I didn't think so. The first time got me to stop drinking, at least in Vegas. The second just gave me another reason not to like Texas. (pause) By the way, "Alamo" really doesn't need a "ny" at the end.

SAND: What about your third husband?

ROBYN: (She sighs.) He was the worst.

SAND: What'd he do?

ROBYN: (She looks over at Ross, who is practically begging her not to help his girlfriend's mother torment him.) Being married to Julian was like rewinding "Jerry Maguire." We started out with "You had me at 'Hello,'" and he ended up at "Show me the money!" (Her watch beeps at her, and she looks at it.) I've got to go. I've got a date in half an hour with a guy who wants to be Number Four.

RACH: Have fun.

ROBYN: I doubt it. I have to tell him that he's not even going to make the Top Forty Countdown. By the way, Ross, where do you keep your hair gel?

SAND: I'd just go upstairs and look around. How hard can it be to find a fifty gallon drum?

ROSS: Yeah, that's funny.

ROBYN: See you guys later. (She gets up from the couch, turns to leave, and then turns back to whisper.) Monica? Don't look now, but the Woman On The Verge of a Nervous Breakdown is right over there.

MON: Where?

ROBYN: Right over there, and she's coming this way. Good luck. I have to go deal with the other loony tune. (Robyn exits as Janice joins the friends.)

JAN: Hello, Chandler Bing! (Chandler jumps as if somebody had just spilled their coffee on him.)

CHAN: Janice! Hi! Look, everybody; it's Janice!

JAN: You've been a very naughty boy, Chandler.

CHAN: (He's scared out of his mind.) I have?

JAN: (She starts poking him to punctuate her every word.) You didn't tell me you were back from Yemen, you little devil.

CHAN: Well, I only got back yesterday. I was going to call you.

JAN: You were?

CHAN: Sure. Right after I moved my stuff back in.

JAN: Oh, Chandler! (She hugs Chandler over the back of the couch which makes him very uncomfortable.) Do you want to go out tonight so I can really welcome you back? (She starts unbuttoning Chandler's shirt, completely unaware that Chandler's getting nauseated and Monica's contemplating Janicecide.)

CHAN: (Janice has just touched him inappropriately, which we don't see because this is a family show.) Hey! I can't go out with you tonight.

JAN: And why not?

CHAN: Because (pause) of the time difference.

JAN: The time difference?

ROSS: (He's electing to help out in order to make Janice go away.) Yeah, right. Although it's only six o'clock here, it's two in the morning Yemen-time.

JAN: Oh, I'm sorry.

CHAN: Right now I just want to go home, go to bed and stay there until the next millennium. (He pretends to yawn, gets up and leaves.)

MON: I'd better make sure he doesn't fall asleep on the stairs again. (She follows Chandler out of the coffee shop, and anyone who thinks much sleeping will occur is thoroughly naive.)


[The hallway outside Robyn's apartment. Chad is there, knocking on Robyn's door.]

CHAD: Robyn? It's me, Chad. We have a date?

ROBYN: Just a minute. (After a couple of seconds, she opens the door, revealing that she has just given a whole new meaning to the words "bad hair day". She looks like Don King at a Flock of Seagulls concert. Chad is totally speechless.) What do you think? (thinking) This is perfect. Even if he doesn't run away screaming, he'll say he doesn't like it, it'll start a fight, and it's hasta la vista, crazy.

CHAD: Well, I would have to say . . .

ROBYN: (thinking) Please, please, please, please.

CHAD: You look gorgeous.

ROBYN: What?

CHAD: Honest, Robbikins, you look great. That look is really you.

ROBYN: Thanks. Just let me get my coat. (thinking, sarcastically) Well, that went well.

CHAD: Say, do you like scary movies?

ROBYN: (She turns around, terrified.) What did you just say?

CHAD: Do you like scary movies? Because I think "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" is playing at the megaplex in fifteen minutes.

ROBYN: Sure. Love them. (thinking) Look at it this way, I'll either change the relationship, or the locks. (She and Chad leave together.)

[Chandler and Joey's apartment. It looks like no one is there. This is, of course, not true.]

MON: (off-camera) Okay, five minutes. But after that, you're getting your butt right back in here, mister. (Monica and Chandler enter from Chandler's bedroom in bathrobes. Chandler looks exhausted, happy, but exhausted.)

CHAN: (He's pretending to be offended.) You just think of me as a sexual object, don't you?

MON: (She's playing along.) Pretty much.

CHAN: Then, may I say it's great to be of service.

MON: (laughing) Come here, you. (She kisses Chandler, and they back toward the bedroom, still kissing. Apparently, they're going to forgo the five-minute break. Someone knocks on the door.) Just ignore it.

JAN: (from outside the door) Chandler? Are you awake? (Monica and Chandler freeze.)

[Giovanni's Ristorante Italiano. Ross and Rachel are at a table with Rachel's mom. Ross is having a worse dinner with his girlfriend's mom than anyone ever, with the possible exception of Woody Allen.]

SAND: You know, Rachel, Alex Harwood was asking about you last week.

RACH: Mom, for the last time, I'm dating Ross now.

SAND: I wasn't talking about now. I meant you might want to give him a call the next time Ross decides to go out and get "Xeroxed".

RACH: Mother!

SAND: Well, he did.

ROSS: Mrs. Green, I can assure you-

SAND: Why don't you save it for someone who'll believe you?

RACH: (She's desperately trying to change the subject.) Mom, you were actually going to set me up with Alex Harwood? Isn't he, like, the dullest guy you know? (Rachel's mom looks sideways at Ross.) What?

SAND: Nothing. I'm sure there's plenty of excitement in dating a paleontologist who keeps showing other girls his bone.

RACH: (appalled) Mother! (Ross just groans and puts his head down on the table.)

[Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica and Chandler are trying to figure out a way to get rid of Janice.]

CHAN: Maybe if we're really quiet, she'll go away.

JAN: You don't have to get up. I still have your key. (Monica gives Chandler a dirty look.)

CHAN: Why would I need it in Yemen? (Monica is not amused.) Okay, you hide, and I'll get her to go away.

MON: Okay. (She hides in Chandler's room. Chandler makes himself look like he's been asleep and answers the door.)

CHAN: (He pretends to be sleepy.) Janice? What time is it?

JAN: It's three in the morning. Sorry.

CHAN: What are you doing here this late?

JAN: (Warning: a disturbing sentence will follow.) I was in the neighborhood and I knew you'd be sleeping here. So I thought maybe we could sleep (pause) together. (At this point, Monica opens the door to Chandler's room a crack in order to keep an eye on the situation.)

CHAN: (He struggles to compose himself.) You know what? I'm going to have to pass. I have to get up in the morning, and with you here, I don't think I'd get any sleeping done.

JAN: (She doesn't really mean this.) Chandler, behave. (She playfully pushes him away.) Do you want to have coffee with me tomorrow, Chandler Bing?

CHAN: I guess so. Okay. (Without warning, provocation, or, well, permission, Janice grabs Chandler and kisses him full on the mouth with duration. Author's note: I can't believe I wrote that last sentence without throwing up. Anyway, Monica is thoroughly appalled by this revolting development.)

JAN: (She finally lets go of Chandler. seductively) See you then, Bing-a-ling.

CHAN: (He looks really sick.) Okay, (pause) Janice. (Janice departs, and Chandler leans against the door frame for support.) I think I'm going to be sick. (Monica comes out of Chandler's bedroom, and she's really angry.) Monica, I'm really sorry you had to see that.

MON: You're breaking up with her.

CHAN: I will. It's just hard.

MON: You're breaking up with her. (She adjusts her robe and starts to leave.)

CHAN: You're going home? Well, when will you be back?

BOTH: (simultaneously) After you/I break up with her. (Monica exits. Chandler sinks into his chair.)

CHAN: Well, it's official. This hasn't been my day.


["Ready, Set, Spaghetti", a ludicrously named Italian restaurant. Robyn and Chad are there on The Date From Hell.]

ROBYN: (thinking) "He's a perfectly rational guy", I said. "Why would I need a restraining order?", I said. Well, I got my answer, didn't I? (to Chad) So, how did you find my apartment anyway? I didn't think you knew the city that well.

CHAD: I don't. If it wasn't for Eddie, I'd still be looking.

ROBYN: Who's Eddie?

CHAD: Oh, come on. I told you about Eddie. Eddie Manoack? The guy I met at the (pause) resort.

ROBYN: Oh, right. Eddie. (thinking) The other one that flew over the cuckoo's nest.

CHAD: I'm telling you: that guy makes one hell of a dried melon.

ROBYN: (thinking) All right, the sooner I dump him, the sooner I can get out of here. (out loud) Chad, we have to talk.

CHAD: Okay, what about?

ROBYN: (thinking) Here goes nothing. (out loud) You know how I have to move all the time because of my job?

CHAD: Yeah. Why do you ask, sweetums?

ROBYN: Well, about two hours ago, I got a call from my people in- in Yemen. They said the situation over there needs my personal attention.

ROBYN: I'm on a flight out of Kennedy tomorrow morning. So, I guess this is good-bye.

CHAD: I know what you're trying to do here.

ROBYN: You do?

CHAD: Of course I do. You're telling me you're going to leave so that I'll spend tonight "saying good-bye" to you.

ROBYN: You caught me. (thinking) Get me out of here!

[Giovanni's Ristorante Italiano. Ross and Rachel are having a miserable time. Rachel's mom is on a roll.]

SAND: Yes, dear, it is understandable for Mrs. Clinton to stand by her man, but you have to bear in mind that her man is president of the United States and not some scientist who's already been divorced twice.

ROSS: All right, that's it.

RACH: Ross, what are you doing?

ROSS: I'm really sorry, honey, but this is something I have to say. (to Rachel's mom) Look, I may not be perfect, but I'm not a bad guy. I know I made mistakes in the past. In fact, I made a lot of mistakes, but I admitted that I was wrong. Now Rachel and I have a fresh start and I just want to put the past behind me.

SAND: Well, when you put it that way- (At this point, a woman at another table notices them.)

WOMAN: Oh, my God. Ross? (She comes over and we see that she is Chloe, the copy girl.) You haven't been by the copy place for a while.

SAND: We know. He was just telling us the same thing.

[A karaoke bar. Chad enters, very enthusiastic, followed by Robyn who is less than enthusiastic. They are escorted by an overly peppy hostess.]

HOSTESS: So, the song sign-up sheet is over there. The list of songs is on that wall. Now, you two enjoy "Harry's Karaoke", okay?

ROBYN: (under her breath) Enjoy it? If I have to stay in here much longer, I'm going to commit it.

CHAD: Come on, honeybuns. Maybe they'll have some good songs. (He leads her over to the song list.)

[Time lapse. Robyn is up on stage with the microphone.}

ROBYN: (singing) The problem is all inside your head he said to me. The answer is easy if you take it logically. I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover. (Author's note: these lyrics are from "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" by Paul Simon.)

[Giovanni's Ristorante Italiano. Ross and Rachel's dinner with Rachel's mom has gone straight to hell. Chloe the copy girl will not go away.]

CHLOE: You know, Ross, it's weird running into you like this.

SAND: Really? Why is that? (She's enjoying this way too much.)

CHLOE: It's just that this afternoon, I was giving some guy a Ross special, and I just started thinking about you.

ROSS: (very pained) Chloe, shouldn't you be getting back to your date soon?

CHLOE: Oh, that's all right.

RACH: (She is so very obviously hating this.) No, we really wouldn't want to keep you.

CHLOE: Well, I do have to get my date home before his wife starts wondering where he is. See you later, Ross. (She leaves.)

RACH: (under her breath) Over my dead body, you will.

SAND: (She's still enjoying this.) So, a Ross special. . . (Ross groans and puts his head down on the table again.)


[Harry's Karaoke. The other horrible date continues. Chad is now on stage and singing "Sometimes When We Touch" by Dan Hill. Robyn is at the bar, getting very drunk.]

ROBYN: Can I get a Garnet & Gold over here?

CHAD: (on stage and singing) I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie.

WOMAN: (This woman is sitting next to Robyn at the bar.) A Garnet & Gold? What's that?

CHAD: (still singing) For who am I to judge you in what you say or do? I'm only just beginning to see the real you.

ROBYN: (to the woman) Fortunately almost pure vodka. (to the bartender) You want to hurry it up there, buddy? (He gives her the drink, and she immediately starts drinking it.)

CHAD: (still singing) And sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much, and I have to close my eyes and hide.

ROBYN: (derisively) You have to?

[Central Perk. It's the next morning. Chandler is sitting on the couch by himself. Robyn enters. Her hair is back to normal, but she's severely hung over and wearing dark glasses. She joins Chandler on the couch.]

ROBYN: Hey, Chandler.

CHAN: Hi. You look like hell.

ROBYN: Likewise. (to a waitress) Can I get an espresso (pause) intravenously?

CHAN: What happened to you?

ROBYN: A fifth of vodka.

CHAN: You drank a fifth of vodka?

ROBYN: Yeah, a fifth of all the vodka ever made. (She groans.)

CHAN: Why?

ROBYN: Chad and I closed down a karaoke bar (pause) and not in the good way. Apparently, he wants to hold me 'til he dies, he can't live if living is without me, and he really, really, really wants to zigazig ha.

CHAN: Ouch.

ROBYN: It gets worse. He wants me to meet his mother.

CHAN: That doesn't sound so bad.

ROBYN: Even if it's really just him in her clothes? I'm telling you: I have to dump this guy.

CHAN: That's bad in it's own way, but trust me; my night was worse.

ROBYN: How was your night worse? You were with Monica last night.

CHAN: Janice stopped by.

ROBYN: That'll do it.

CHAN: (disgusted) And then she kissed me (pause) on the lips.

ROBYN: What did I say that sounded like "I'm not nauseous enough already"?

CHAN: So now, I have to tell Janice that I broke up with her. How the hell am I going to do that?

ROBYN: Wait a minute. I've got it. It's been right under our noses the whole time.

CHAN: What do you mean?

ROBYN: There's one thing neither of us have tried yet. I know it'll be painful, but it just might solve both our problems.

CHAN: You mean telling them the whole truth?

ROBYN: What are you? High?

[Central Perk. It's a little bit later. Janice and Chandler are on the couch, talking.

JAN: Oh, my God.

CHAN: I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

JAN: It's okay. You can't help who you are, or who you fall in love with.

CHAN: So you're not mad at me?

JAN: Of course not. It's just a lot to take in. I mean, first Joey, and now you. . .

CHAN: I understand. Because it's so sudden.

JAN: Not really. It's just that I should have known.

CHAN: Excuse me?

JAN: Well, it's not like there haven't been clues.

CHAN: (He's hating this so much.) Really?

[At a table across the room, Robyn and Chad are having a similar conversation.]

ROBYN: So, I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that (pause) I'm gay.

CHAD: (very long pause) That's great. So am I.

ROBYN: (Her brain is registering "Does not compute.") You are?

CHAD: Who wouldn't be happy with a great girl like you?

ROBYN: (thinking) I think I just found the flaw in this plan. (out loud) No, I mean that I'm a lesbian.

CHAD: That's great, honey buns. You always wanted an acting career.

ROBYN: (thinking) Oh, this is just sad.

[Meanwhile, Janice is inadvertently tormenting Chandler.]

JAN: And then, there was that New Year's party where you kissed Joey at midnight instead of me.

CHAN: And you wanted to kiss him at midnight?

JAN: Anyway, looking back, I could totally tell you were slipping him the tongue.

CHAN: (thinking) Somehow, I thought Hell would be warmer that this. (to Janice) Hey! (pause) Your shoe's untied.

JAN: Thanks. (She bends over to tie her shoe, making it look from the entrance like Chandler's there by himself. Unfortunately, this is when Joey walks in.)

JOEY: (walking and talking) Hey, Chandler. You'd better get upstairs. Your girlfriend's looking for you, and she's got whip cre- (At this point, he rounds the end of the couch and sees Janice.) Hey, Janice.

JAN: Girlfriend?!

JOEY: I have to be somewhere else now. (He exits the coffee shop, quickly.)

JAN: You have a girlfriend?

CHAN: All right, this isn't the way I wanted to tell you this, but there's someone else.

JAN: What?!

CHAN: I've been seeing this other girl-

JAN: This can't be happening.

CHAN: -and I asked her to marry me.

JAN: Oh, my God!

CHAN: We're having a baby together. We're going to be a family. Please be happy for us.

JAN: (She's about to cry.) Who is she?! Who's going to take my Bing-a-ling away from me? (At this point, Monica walks in, carrying a can of whip cream.)

MON: Chandler, are you in here?

CHAN: It's Monica.

JAN: Yeah, I can see that. Now, who are you marrying?

CHAN: You don't understand. I'm marrying Monica.

JAN: Nice try, Pinocchio. (She goes over to Monica, closely followed by Chandler.) Crazy Chandler just told me you were marrying him. How pathetic is that? (The Laugh.)

MON: Well, actually. . . (She shows Janice The Ring, which she has been wearing on a string around her neck.)


CHAN: Janice, are you all right?

JAN: Oh, my god! (She starts hyperventilating. Robyn joins the group around Janice.)

ROBYN: (to a waiter) Can we get a glass of water over here? (to Janice) Janice, try to calm down.

JAN: You calm down! I can't believe that my Bing-a-ling is marrying Monica! (The rest of the gang, who have just walked in the door, all freeze.)

ROBYN: Okay, now you're making a scene.

JAN: (She totally ignores Robyn.) And if that wasn't bad enough, she's having his baby, too! (She starts sobbing.)

ROBYN: All right, why don't we go over there and get you some coffee? It's on me. (She leads Janice over to the counter and gets her settled. Meanwhile, the other friends approach Monica and Chandler, thoroughly shocked.)

ROSS: Monica? Is this true?

MON: Yes. Yes, it is. (She takes the ring off the string and puts it on her finger.)

CHAN: We're getting married.

PHOEBE: Oh, my God.

RACH: Oh, that's such a gorgeous ring.

JOEY: I call "best man". (They all start hugging Monica and Chandler. Unfortunately, Robyn, although finished with Janice, cannot join in because of Chad the Annoying, who has followed her.)

CHAD: So, a wedding. That must be putting all sorts of ideas in your head. (He tries to put an arm around her, but she ducks out of the way.)

ROBYN: Chad, I think we should see other people.

CHAD: Okay.

ROBYN: (She's just taken a major hit to the ego.) And you're okay with this?

CHAD: Well, I've never had a threesome before, but-

ROBYN: (She sighs.) This is just sad. (with simple gestures) I'm breaking up with you.

CHAD: What?!

ROBYN: I'm sorry. It's just not going to work out. You're a great guy. I'm sure you'll find someone.

CHAD: I guess so.

ROBYN: Why don't you go get a drink, on me? (She gives him some money and then goes over to the group of friends.) Oh, I'm so happy for you guys.

ROSS: I can't believe I'm going to be an uncle! (Chad, completely ignored, goes over to the counter.)

CHAD: Congratulate me. I just got dumped.

JAN: Me too. The sixth time by the same guy. God, I'm pathetic.

CHAD: No, you're not. Now that I think about it, that same girl's dumped me thousands of times. (pause) You're right; that does sound pathetic. Hi, I'm Chad McMasters.

JAN: Just call me Janice.

CHAD: So, can I buy you a drink?


[Teaser: Ross, Rachel, and Monica's place. Ross and Rachel are there alone.]

ROSS: Rach, about last night. . .

RACH: Oh, right. I'm sorry about Mom. It's not that she doesn't like you. It's just that she-

ROSS: -hates my guts?

RACH: Pretty much.

ROSS: Actually, I wanted to apologize. I never wanted to see that girl again. Please forgive me.

RACH: Ross, come on. I trust you. I know you'd never cheat on me again.

ROSS: Really?

RACH: Sure. Because if you ever did, I'd have Phoebe teach me how to turn your thingie green. (Ross considers this and quickly becomes frightened.)