Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
PHOEBES APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are in bed)
Joey: Wow!
Phoebe: I know!
Joey: Weve never done that before.
Phoebe: And well never do it again.
Joey: I couldnt do it again if I tried. Youve drained me dry.
Phoebe: No, we can never have sex again. Youre engaged to Courteney.
Joey: So?
Phoebe: You have to make a decision Joey, Courteney or me?
Joey: When do I have to decide?
Phoebe: The sooner the better and you are not to mention this to anyone. Do you understand me?
Joey: Yeah, but youre not winning any points with me right now by being so mean.
Phoebe: Ready for round 32?
Joey: And shes back in contention.
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Monica are present.)
Ross: Are you alright Monica, you look green?
Rachel: Maybe she was kidnapped by Martians. (no one laughs) Come on, that wasnt slightly funny, whats the matter with you people?
Chandler: Thats why they leave the jokes to me.
Monica: Im fine. I must have a touch of something. Could you get me some tea honey?
Chandler: You want honey in your tea?
Monica: No, I want you to get me some tea honey. (pause) Wait, dont get me anything. (Monica races to the bathroom)
Chandler: I guess she really needed to talk to God on the porcelain telephone.
Rachel: Is she alright? This is the third day that shes been sick in the past two weeks.
Chandler: Shes fine. She just has this new South American flu thats been going around.
Ross: So she went to the doctor?
Chandler: Not exactly.
Rachel: Then how do you know its the new South American flu?
Chandler: I read about it in the papers.
Ross: You dont read the paper. You dont even get the paper.
Chandler: Fine, fine. I made it up. But I had you going for a minute didnt I?
(Monica returns)
Monica: Hey, wheres my tea?
Chandler: You told me you didnt want it. How about some greasy pizza?
Monica: Chandler! (Monica races back to the bathroom)
Rachel: You are so mean! Im gonna make sure shes alright.
Chandler (to Ross): Can you keep a secret?
Ross: According to Rachel, no.
Chandler: Monicas pregnant.
Ross: What?!
Chandler: Shes six weeks along. She was pregnant at your wedding.
Ross: How? What? How did this happen?
Chandler: She went to a sperm bank and impregnated herself.
Ross: She did?
Chandler: No you moron. I knocked her up.
Ross: You did this to my sister?
Chandler: Ah, yes?
Ross: Way to go man. Congratulations.
(cut to the bathroom)
Rachel: Are you ok Mon? (You hear Monica heaving) I take that as a no. Do you need anything?
Monica: A tissue. Make that tissues.
Rachel (looking around but not finding any, Rachel reaches into the garbage): Here you go.
Monica: Thanks. Wait a minute, these have been used! Rachel! (starts throwing up again)
Rachel: Sorry! I didnt know that!
(Monica emerges from the stall)
Monica: Man, Ive got to get rid of this flu.
Rachel: The South American?
Monica: Yeah. Howd you know?
Rachel: Chandler told us.
Monica: Oh.
Rachel: So how many weeks along are you?
Monica: Six. I mean, what are you talking about?
Rachel: I know.
Monica: Who told you? Did Chandler squeal?
Rachel: Monica, Im a woman. I just know. Oh and congratulations. Im so happy for you! (Rachel hugs Monica)
Monica: I am so excited! Of course, thats in between the morning sickness and the periods that Im not puking up everything I eat. But, you cant tell Phoebe, Joey or Ross. We dont want anyone to know until after the first trimester.
Rachel: Why not?
Monica: Just in case something happens.
Rachel: Nothings gonna happen. Youre gonna be a great Mommy! Are you ready for lunch?
Monica: Yeah. Oh crap, here we go again!
Rachel: I guess lunch is out of the question.
PHOEBES APARTMENT (Joey is getting ready to leave)
Phoebe: What are you gonna tell Courteney?
Joey: What da ya mean?
Phoebe: Joey, you spent the night here. Courteneys gonna wanna know where youve been.
Joey: I got that covered. Dont worry about it.
Phoebe: What are you gonna tell her then?
Joey: Nothing.
Phoebe: Nothing? What do you mean nothing?
Joey: Just that, nothing.
Phoebe: So youre not gonna tell her where youve been?! What kind of fiancé are you?!
Joey: Relax Phoebe. Breathe. She slept at her parents last night. Theres no way shes gonna know that I didnt come home.
Phoebe: Oh. What she doesnt know wont hurt her.
Joey: Exactly. Ill see you later?
Phoebe: Sure. Just remember what I said, youre to tell no one.
Joey: Not even Chandler or Ross?
Phoebe: Ok, what part of no one did you not understand?
Joey: I guess the no one part. Sorry. See ya.
Phoebe: Joey, thanks for last night. It meant a lot to me.
Joey: Me too. (Joey leaves)
Phoebe (after shutting the door) And you better choose to stay with Courteney.
VICTORIAS SECRET (Rachel is working in her office. Phoebe enters)
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, what brings you to the lingerie capital of the world?
Phoebe: This is the lingerie capital of the world? Ive always wondered where that was.
Rachel (shutting her office door): Whats up Pheebs?
Phoebe: Nothing. I thought I just come by and say hi. Hi! I guess Ill see you later.
Rachel: Phoebe, whats the matter?
Phoebe: Really, Im fine.
Rachel: Ok. But wipe that smile off your face or someones gonna think you got lucky last night.
Phoebe: Is it that obvious?
Rachel: You did get lucky last night. With who?
Phoebe: I cant tell you.
Rachel: But I know you want to.
Phoebe: I cant. I made a promise.
Rachel: Since when have you been able to keep a secret?
Phoebe: I started keeping them today. Ill see you later. (Phoebe goes to leave)
Rachel (slowly realizing who it was): Wait Phoebe! Wait! Oh my God, you slept with Joey!
Phoebe (quickly re-entering Rachels office and shutting the door): Would you shut up! I dont think your co-workers on the ninth floor heard you!
Rachel: This is unbelievable! What happened?!
Phoebe: I took your advice and told Joey how I felt and the next thing I know we were in bed. He spent the night.
Rachel: He spent the night?!
Phoebe: Did I stutter or something?
Rachel: What about Courteney?
Phoebe: He said she was staying at his parents. Look, I made a big mistake. I shouldve never told him. I feel so guilty.
Rachel: Why?
Phoebe: Because I could ruin the best thing that ever happened to Joey. I really think he should marry Courteney.
Rachel: Dont you think Joey should decide who he marries?
Phoebe: I guess.
Rachel: Do you love Joey?
Phoebe: Yeah. But I dont know if Im in love with him. Courteney, now, shes in love with him. Theyre perfect together. I just think he should stay with her.
Rachel: Did you tell him that?
Phoebe: No.
Rachel: I think you should.
Phoebe: No way, Im not taking anymore advice from you. You got me into this mess.
Rachel: What?!
Phoebe: You told me to tell how I felt.
Rachel: I didnt tell you to sleep with him!
Phoebe: Oh. I thought that was implied.
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Courteney is pacing around the apartment. Joey enters)
Courteney: Where in the hell have you been?!
Joey: Are you talking to me?
Courteney: You didnt come home last night! Ive been up since yesterday waiting for you to come home! Now tell me where youve been!
Joey: We had to work overtime on the set, it got late, so I stayed there.
Courteney: I called you at the set at 8 last night and they said you had left hours ago. Now stop lying to me! Where have you been?!
Joey: Ok, ok. Calm down.
Courteney: Are you telling me to calm down?!
Joey: Yes. And apparently its not working.
Courteney (calmer): Joey, where have you been since last night?
Joey: I had a friend who needed someone to talk to so I stayed with her to help her. It got late, so I crashed at her place.
Courteney: Who was it? Some girlfriend I dont know about?
Joey: It was Phoebe. Shes been having a hard time lately and she needed someone to talk to. She was upset and I couldnt just leave her, shes one of my closest friends.
Courteney: Well why didnt you call and let me know? It was the least you couldve done.
Joey: You told me you were staying at your parents. I didnt think I had to call. Im sorry, it wont happen again.
Courteney: Its ok. Im sorry I yelled at you.
Joey: Its alright. Its not the first time a woman yelled at me.
(Courteney hugs Joey and notices a bra in his bag)
Courteney: You guys werent doing laundry last night were you?
Joey: No. Why?
Courteney: Theres one of Phoebes bras in your bag.
Joey: Oops. It must have gotten in there when I was packing up my stuff.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross, Chandler and Monica are present)
Ross: How are you feeling Mon?
Monica: Better thanks. I tend to feel better in the afternoon.
Ross: Thats a weird flu youve got there.
Monica: Tell me about it. Where's Rach?
Ross: Shes on her way.
Chandler: You know what, I just realized that I forgot to go to work today. Its a good thing my boss is out of town.
Monica: Honey, you called in sick this morning to take care of me.
Chandler: Oh.
Ross: Maybe you have the Memory flu.
Chandler: Whats that?
Ross: A virus where you forget everything you should remember.
(Rachel comes storming in)
Rachel: Hey guys! Do I have the dish or do I have the dish?
Monica: Well why dont you tell us and well decide.
Rachel: Ok. Are you sitting down?
Chandler: Well if we arent then I dont know what Ive been doing for the last half hour. Man my ass hurts.
Rachel (ignoring Chandler): OK, OK, this is really big .
Ross: Youre pregnant!
Rachel: No! Monicas the one thats pregnant.
Monica: Rachel!
Ross: Its OK Mon, I know.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: What? You obviously told Rachel!
Monica: She figured it out! I didnt tell her.
Chandler: So I told Ross. Im weak, what do you expect? Anyway Rach, what is it?
Rachel: Phoebe slept with Joey!
All: Oh my God!
Monica: What about Courteney?
Rachel: She doesnt know.
Ross: How, how did it happen?
Chandler: See, they both got naked and then Joey inserted his ..
Rachel (cutting off Chandler): Phoebe told Joey that she had feelings for him and one thing led to another, and bingo, theyre went to bed together.
Monica: Thats Joey, always thinking with the wrong head.
Rachel: It wasnt Joeys idea, it was Phoebes.
Ross: Eh, I almost slept with Phoebe once.
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Nothing.
Rachel: Well come back to you mister.
Monica: What are you so upset about Rachel, you wanted to sleep with Chandler.
Chandler: You still can if you want. (Monica, Rachel and Ross glare at Chandler) I guess I shouldve kept that to myself.
Monica: Whats Joey gonna do about Courteney?
Rachel: Phoebe wants Joey to stay with Courteney. Look here comes Phoebe, now one says a thing about this, OK? Its supposed to be a secret.
Ross: One that you did a great job of keeping Rach.
Rachel: Shut up Phoebe lover.
(Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey!
All: Hey Pheebs.
Chandler: Youre walking a little funny there Pheebs, are you OK? Did you pull a muscle?
Phoebe: I worked out really hard last night, Im sore all over.
Ross: Were you lifting weights?
Phoebe: Huh?
Ross: Did you go to the gym and work out with weights?
Phoebe: Oh. No, I worked out at home.
Chandler: Yeah, Monica and I work-out together all the time.
Phoebe: And yet youre still very flabby.
Chandler: Well ..
Monica (cutting off Chandler): Has anyone seen Joey?
Phoebe: No, why would we care?
Monica: Are you mad at Joey Phoebe?
Phoebe: No. Not at all.
Rachel: So whats up with you Phoebe?
Phoebe: I just got a massage to relax my muscles. You guys should go to my new masseuse, shes really great with her hands.
Ross: Ive already got someone whos great with their hands.
Rachel: Thanks honey.
Ross: I was talking about Penny my masseuse.
Rachel: Keep it up dumb ass.
Ross: Im just kidding.
Phoebe: So what are you guys up to?
Monica: Well I have the flu, and Chandlers Chandler.
Chandler: Why does that sound so unflattering?
Ross: And Rachel has this secret but she wont tell us what it is. (Rachel glares at Ross)
Rachel: I made a promise and Ill keep that promise.
Phoebe: I think Rachel should tell you guys what it is. What do you think Rachel?
Rachel: I wouldnt want to upset the person that told me the secret.
Phoebe: Yeah, but I think that person knew that youd blab the secret anyway, so I think everyone already knows.
Rachel: Id never blab!
Chandler: So Pheebs, you and Joey, pretty cool.
Phoebe (to Rachel): I told you that youd blab. Yes, Joey and I bumped uglies.
Monica: Uglies?
Phoebe: Sexual intercourse.
Chandler: How many times?
Monica: Chandler!
Phoebe: 32 times.
Ross: No wonder why youre so sore.
Rachel: Im impressed. Maybe I will sleep with you Phoebe.
Ross: What about me?
Rachel: You know how to have sex by yourself. You were a geek in high school after all, youve had plenty of practice.
Ross: You can forget about our baby making plans.
Phoebe: I have to go see Joey, Ill see you guys later.
Rachel: What are you gonna tell him?
Phoebe: He called me, hes made his decision.
Monica: What is it?
Phoebe: Well let me find out first and then Ill tell you.
Monica: Sorry, I thought you knew already.
Phoebe: I do, but Joey doesnt know that.
Ross: What?
Phoebe: My psychic ability. Its never failed me yet. Bye.
Chandler: Ten bucks says Joey stays with Courteney.
Monica: We are not betting over this situation.
Chandler: Make it fifty.
Monica: Im in.
Ross: Ill take Joey and Phoebe for fifty.
Rachel: You guys are pathetic.
Ross: Are you in or not?
Rachel: Of course Im in, fifty on Joey and Courteney.
Monica: I thought you said we were pathetic?
Rachel: I did, and then I realized Im pathetic too.
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Joey is staring at the wall. Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey Joey! (no answer) Joey!
Joey (depressed): Oh, hey Pheebs.
Phoebe: Whats up?
Joey: I made my decision.
Phoebe: Oh. By the look of things around here, I see it didnt go over to well. (There are busted dishes on the floor, magazines spread out everywhere, etc.)
Joey: What ya mean, I havent told Courteney yet.
Phoebe: Then what the hell happened here?
Joey: I did that. I got mad at myself.
Phoebe: Whats going on Joey?
Joey: Phoebe, I love you. Youre my closest girlfriend, but we cant have a relationship. I cant risk our friendship, it means too much to me.
Phoebe: Thank God!
Joey: Youre not crushed?
Phoebe: Thats what I wanted to hear. I really think you should stay with Courteney, shes perfect for you.
Joey: Thats the other thing.
Phoebe: Theres something else?
Joey: Im breaking my engagement to Courteney. After sleeping with you, I realized that Im not ready to settle down. I enjoy being a womanizer too much. And besides, if were not married at forty, Im marrying you anyway.
Phoebe: Unless I get married in the meantime.
Joey: Like thats gonna happen. Are we cool?
Phoebe: Totally.
Joey: Wanna go to bed?
Phoebe: Joey, Im not gonna go to bed with you!
Joey: And were right back where we started. I love you Phoebe.
Phoebe: I love you too Joey.
Closing Credits
ROSS & RACHELS APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are in bed talking)
Ross: Can I ask you a question?
Rachel: Sure honey.
Ross: Whats this?
Rachel: Thats my, my personal assistant.
Ross: You have sex by yourself too?
Rachel: Sometimes, but only when youre not around.
Ross: Im always around.
Rachel: Well we werent dating two years ago and I needed it then. Can I please have that back?
Ross: Why? You dont need it anymore.
Rachel: If you dont give it back, I will need it.
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: If you dont give it back I wont let you give me the real thing. Now give it!
Ross (handing it over to her): Are you ready for the real thing?
Rachel: No, I think Ill go solo tonight. Goodnight.
End