The One With The Broken Clock


Written by Kat.

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright,
Kaufman and Crane.


(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's. The whole gang are there, and Monica is sitting next to Chandler. Ross is sitting on the chair next to the sofa, and Rachel is opposite. Phoebe is next to Chandler & Monica and Joey is at the fridge, making a sandwich)

JOEY: Ohh yeah! A nice small sandwich! (he produces a massive sub sandwich)

CHAN: Isn't that what the Titanic hit before it sank?

JOEY: No. Do you see a dent?

RACH: Chandler's back!
MON: He didn't go anywhere...

RACH: No, no. I mean, funny Chandler's back! Not boring Chandler! That is the first joke he has cracked in ages!

CHAN: And was it funny?

RACH: Yeah. I mean, not as funny as normal, but it'll get better...

PHOE(suddenly): Oh my god!!

ALL: What?

PHOE: Don't panic Monica, but your clock just stopped!

MON: So what?

PHOE: It stopped, Monica!

MON(unsure): Is that a bad thing?

PHOE(straight away): Yes! Yes! It's very bad! Very bad!

CHAN: We heard you the first time, Phoebs.

JOEY: Why's it so bad?

ROSS: Yeah, I mean my watch stopped yesterday.

PHOE: Watches don't count. And Joey, the reason it is so bad is that everyone that when a clock stops, something bad happens in somebody's love life. I feel really bad karma for 2 people in this room who used to date, but aren't now.

MON: Well, I'm safe. I've only dated Chandler in this room, and I'm still with him.

CHAN: What about you and Joey, Phoebs?

PHOE: No, not me. Ursula. And is she in this room?

CHAN: Well, no...

RACH: Well, I dated Ross, but that's ridiculous! Why would anything happen between us?

CHAN: I dunno...Nope, no idea!

ROSS(high pitched): Yeah, that's s-stupid. Hm.

JOEY: Hey, you know what?

ALL: What?

JOEY: I think I just saw a grey squirrel outside! Y'know, the rare ones!

CHAN: Joey?

JOEY: Yeah?

CHAN(sighing): Never mind.

 

OPENING CREDITS

(SCENE: Monica & Chandler's. Chandler is on the phone to Ross)

CHAN(on phone): So, you still like her?

(Monica enters, but Chandler doesn't notice)

CHAN(on phone): I can't believe you have a crush on Rachel!

MON: Who's got a crush on Rachel?

(Chandler jumps and drops the phone)

CHAN: W-what?

MON: Who likes Rachel?

CHAN: N-n-no-one likes Rachel! I mean, who would? (he smiles hopefully)

MON: Chandler! Who was on the other end of that phone?

CHAN: No-one!

MON: Chandler, tell me. I'll find out anyway.

CHAN: I can't!

(Chandler picks up the phone)

MON: Okay, gimme the phone.

CHAN: No.

MON: Gimme the phone!

(She chases him and eventually snatches it off him)

CHAN: Mon! Give it back!

MON(into phone): Hello? (she shrugs) They hung up. Chandler, if you love me as much as you say you do, you'll tell me who just called.

CHAN: Okay, okay. But you can't tell Rachel. And you can't go all hyper and loud on me.

MON: Okay. I won't do either.

(Chandler is quiet for a second, then he sighs)

CHAN: Ross likes Rachel again.

MON(really loud, shouting): Oh my god!!

CHAN: Oh my god, how loud was that?!

MON: It wasn't.

CHAN: Oh c'mon! I think Emily heard you over in England! I think there's a guy in China who heard that.

(Monica smiles at him and then goes to swipe him, but he moves away)

MON: Ross likes Rachel again? I can't believe it...

CHAN: Yeah, but, y'know, shhhhhhh!

MON: Rachel doesn't live here anymore. Remember?

CHAN: She could be outside!

MON: Whatever.

(Phoebe enters. She has new, spiral permed hair which looks really nice- I guess you can imagine it would anyway. It's not like she first had it in Series 1, instead it's like Kate Winslet in Titanic, but not as tight)

PHOE: Hey!

MON: Oh my god! Phoebe, you look great!

CHAN: Did you get a new coat?

PHOE: Well, yeah, but that's not what Monica was talking about. (she flicks her hair)

CHAN: New...um, dress?

PHOE: No!

CHAN: Well, uh, uh...

(Rachel enters)

RACH: Phoebe! I love your hair!!

CHAN: Your hair! Of course! It's curly!

PHOE: Uh huh. Like Little Miss Muffet.

MON: Little Miss Muffet?

PHOE: Yeah! The one who ate the spider. In the poem. Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, eating her curds and...spider.

CHAN(serious): What's a tuffet? (no one answers) Seriously, what is a tuffet? If Miss Muffet sat on it, is it like one of those foot stool thingys? Or is it a really small chair for Little Miss Muffet.

MON: Chandler?

CHAN: Yeah, honey?

MON: Stop talking.

RACH: So, uh, Phoebe, what happened to your hair? It looks so nice!

PHOE: Well, I'm walking down the street, and this guy came upto me and told me hadn't had a bite for ages-

CHAN: Did you bite him? Y'know, like the joke.

PHOE: No. Anyway, that reminded of 'said' joke (she motions to Chandler), which reminded me of joke books, which reminded me of paper, which made me think of wood. So then I thought of the forest where I used to visit Deaf Bob, when I had curly hair! And I thought it'd be a great idea to have my hair permed!

RACH: So, it was kinda spur of the moment?

MON: Inspiration?

PHOE: And, and, I'm gonna start singing again!

CHAN: Singing?

(Joey and Ross enter)

ROSS: Wow! Phoebe, you look gorgeous! Your hair!

JOEY: Cool! It's all permy!

PHOE: Anyway, I'm gonna start writing songs now!

JOEY: You're gonna be a singer again?

ROSS: I could do backup on my keyboard!

PHOE: Okay...no.

ROSS: No?

PHOE: No. Definitely not. Cos, y'know, you have your own sound and all, and I'd cramp your style.

ROSS: You have a point...(to Rachel) Oh, Rach, can I talk to you tonight? At my place?

RACH: Uh, sure. No problem. Is 8 okay?

ROSS: Sure.

RACH: Okay.

JOEY: So, Phoebs, how come you're gonna start singing again?

PHOE: Well, I was walking down the street, and this tramp was playing on his guitar-

MON: And you remembered what a great time you had on your guitar?

PHOE: No. I remembered when I was a tramp, and then I remembered when my friend Leanne was a tramp, and then I remembered Leanne had a dog that had a buddy that was on the cover of an album. Then I thought of my music and I decided I wanted to sing. Also, I saw this smelly cat-

CHAN: And you thought of Smelly Cat?

PHOE: No! What made you think that?

 

(SCENE: Ross & Joey's, later that evening. Ross is sitting on the sofa, twiddling his thumbs nervously. Joey isn't around)

(The buzzer goes off)

(Ross dashes over to it and presses the button to talk)

ROSS: Hello?

RACH(from buzzer): Hey, Ross, it's me.

ROSS: Okay, I'm buzzing you up.

RACH(from buzzer): Okay.

(A little later, Rachel knocks on the door)

(Ross opens it and Rachel walks in)

RACH: Hey! Look, I've got about 20 minutes and then me and Phoebs are eating out, okay?

ROSS: Sure. Look, Rach, I've been meaning to talk to you for a while now.

RACH: You have?

ROSS: Yeah. Lately, I've, uh, started to, um, well-

RACH: Ross?

ROSS: Yeah?

RACH: I have 20 minutes, not hours. (she smiles)

ROSS: Oh. Okay, well. Lately, I've been really attracted to you. (Rachel looks surprised) I want us to get back together. (Rachel looks shocked)

RACH: I, uh...I don't what to say. (slowly) I'm sorry, Ross, but I, (pause) I don't wanna get back together.

ROSS: What?

RACH: I don't wanna get back together with you. I can't. I'm sorry. Really, I am, but not after everything that's happened.

ROSS(quite angry): What? Are you still gonna dwell on that? I make one mistake and-

RACH(angry): No, Ross! You didn't make one mistake- you made a lot of mistakes! And if I'm just supposed to let that go, then, I dunno.

ROSS: So you're gonna run away? Just like always.

RACH(angry): What the hell does that mean?

ROSS: Oh, please! Name me one serious relationship you've had that you didn't walk out on! There's Barry, me, Paulo-

RACH: Paulo hit on Phoebe! And, Barry...How dare you? You invite me over to ask me out again, then when I say no, you criticise me? Can't you take a let down? Look, I'm gonna make this easy for you, Ross. (she goes to leave) (quiet) I'll see you around.

(Ross grabs her arm)

ROSS: Wait! Rachel, I'm sorry. I...I love you.

RACH: You don't talk to people you love like that. Look at Chandler. Maybe you could learn something from him.

(She walks out, slamming the door behind her)

ROSS: Rach...

(From his pain-stricken face, move to: )

 

(SCENE: Chandler & Monica's. Monica & Chandler are watching The Simpsons on TV. Well Monica is: Chandler is lying on his front on the same sofa, stroking and kissing and fingering Monica's bump all throught the following conversation)

MON: I love Maggie. She is the cutest ever!

CHAN: Y'know, we'll have one of them soon.

MON: I know. (she kisses him) What do you want?

CHAN: Huh?

MON: What baby do you want?

CHAN: Oh, do we get a choice of 5 or something? (he smiles)

MON: No! A girl or a boy! Do you care which we have?

CHAN: Not really. I guess I just want a baby. And now I'm having one with you, I know it'll be perfect...

MON: Ah...I love you. (They kiss, and at that, Rachel comes storming in, wiping tears from her eyes)

RACH: Monica, can I talk to you?

MON: Uh, sure. (she and Chandler turn around and see Rachel wiping tears away)

CHAN/MON: What's wrong?

MON: Honey, what happened?

RACH: Does Chandler have to be here?

MON: I, uh... Is this about Ross?

RACH: Wait. You knew?

MON: I only found out a while ago. I haven't seen you since then and if I had, I'd have told you.

CHAN: I thought you said-

MON(aside): Drop it for now, okay? (to Rachel) What happened?

RACH: Okay, well. I went-

CHAN: Have a seat, Rach.

(Rachel sits on the sofa, and Chandler and Monica sit on either side of her)

RACH: Well, I went round there, and he told me he wanted us to start dating again. Then, when I told him no, h-

CHAN: You said no?

RACH: Well, I just, I'm not interested. Anyway, I said no and he started having a go at me, saying I was running away and stuff, and I dunno...I think I said something about Chandler teaching him about love...

MON: Are you okay?

CHAN: You said that? (he smiles) Cool.

RACH: I think I'm okay. I know one thing: I'm never speaking to Ross again. Not ever.

MON: Wait a sec. What about Christmas?

RACH: What about it?

MON: Well, you can't be fighting over the holidays!

RACH: Why not?

MON: It's the season of goodwill! Chandler, help me out!

CHAN: I dunno.

(END SCENE: Chandler & Monica's, hours later. Rachel, Joey, Chandler and Monica are sitting around)

(Phoebe enters, with her guitar)

PHOE: I have a song!

ALL: That's great!

CHAN: C'mon, let's hear this wonderful song!

PHOE: I like him. (she hugs him)

MON(serious): Back off.

JOEY: Let's hear the song!

PHOE: Oh, wait, I want Ross to hear.

RACH: Why, is it called How To Treat People Properly?

PHOE: No. It's called How To Treat People Correctly. But good guess, Rach. Have you heard it before?

RACH: No, never.

(Phoebe starts to strum the guitar, when Ross walks in)

ROSS: Rachel, I have to talk to you!

RACH: Well, I don't wanna talk to you! (she storms straight past him)

PHOE: Oh no. (the infamous one that Lisa Kudrow is so brilliant at!)

 

THE END