The One With Ax Murderer

Written by: Sharon Rogers.

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner
Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.
Timeline: This story is set when Joey knew about C&M, but no one else did.
Feedback: Send all comments, criticisms, questions, etc to I promise to respond
to every message. I love getting any kind of feedback at all.

{The guy's apartment. Chandler is sitting at the counter. Monica is standing in the kitchen, leaning
on the counter. She is holding a travel brochure for Chandler to see.}

(Joey enters)

JOEY: Hey guys. (sees the brochure) Whatcha reading?

CHANDLER: It's the new tax laws. The IRS decided to go easy on us this year.

(Joey sneers at Chandler, then turns around to hang up his jacket.)

MONICA: It's a brochure for a Bed & Breakfast upstate. We're thinking about going away for the

JOEY: Hey! Good idea! (opens the fridge and takes out a bottle of juice) At least I won't have to lie
for you *this* weekend. Take some of the pressure off good old Joey. (starts to chug the juice)

CHANDLER: Well, you'll still have to confirm our cover stories so the others won't know we've gone

JOEY: (brings the juice bottle down quickly) Aw man! (wipes his mouth on his sleeve) Well you're just
lucky I'm getting so good at it. Like last night after Ross went out and you guys... went in there.
(points to Chandler's room) Ross came back and said he forgot his coat. Well, his coat was on the couch
by your door, and I didn't want him to... y'know, hear anything, so I told him he couldn't take his coat
because I saw a spider on it and had to spray it with bug spray. So I lent him my coat. Well, then I
figured if his coat didn't smell like bug spray he'd know I lied, so I had to go ahead and spray it. So
then, today, I had to take Ross's coat to the cleaners to get the bug spray off.

MONICA: Um, Joe? Why did you have to spray it if you were just gonna have it cleaned? Why didn't you just
hide it for a couple of days and *tell* him you took it to the cleaners?

(Joey looks at her for a moment, then narrows his eyes and scrunches his face in anger. Monica pulls back in

CHANDLER: All right, Joey. Next time we... go in there, we'll give you an excuse to tell anyone who
comes in.

JOEY: Well, I've already got an excuse ready for next time.

CHANDLER: It's not the one about me and Treeger using my room as a secret lab to develop an all-powerful toilet bowl cleaner, is it? Because I told you last week no one's gonna buy that.

JOEY: (offended) No!... No, um, I was gonna tell people you and ... *Gunther* were using your room as a secret lab to develop a... (waves his hand around) frothier cappuccino.

(Chandler and Monica look at him with their eyebrows raised in a sarcastic "oh really?" look. Joey gets flustered and just turns around and leaves the apartment slamming the door behind him.)

opening credits

{Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross is at the table reading the paper. There's a plate of muffins on the
table, and Ross is eating one. Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch talking.}

PHOEBE: So then, after dinner, he took me to this, like, tiny, smelly theater where all they show are
these car chase movies from the 70's.

RACHEL: Ugh! He thought that would be a good first date? What a *guy* thing to do!

PHOEBE: I know! And then in the cab on the way home, he didn't pay any attention to me at all. He just
kept asking the cabby if he's ever had to, y'know, "Follow that car!"

RACHEL: Oh! What a *man*. They're just so clueless!

(Both girls turn and look at Ross with disdain. He's got his finger in his mouth picking muffin bits out of
his back teeth. They both scoff.)

ROSS: What?

(Joey walks in.)

JOEY: Good morning ladies. Ross. Oooh muffins! (He goes to the table and grabs a muffin stuffing about
half of it into his mouth.)

RACHEL: Ungh. Y'know what, Pheebs. I think this Saturday we should get Monica and spend the entire day
shopping or something. (She looks toward Joey and Ross.) Just the girls.

JOEY: Well, this weekend's no good. Monica's going on that trip with Chandler. (His eyes widen as he
sees the others' surprised looks) And me. That trip with Chandler and me.

RACHEL: What trip?

ROSS: And thanks for inviting the rest of us, by the way.

JOEY: Oh. Well we, uh, we thought you guys would betoo busy or something. I mean, Ross, you've been
talking about spending more time with Ben, and Rachel and Phoebe... umm... we thought you guys might have
dates or something since... you're both so cool, and... pretty. (Joey looks satisfied with himself.)

ROSS: Well, as it happens, Carol and Susan are taking Ben to Carol's parents this weekend, so I'm completely

PHOEBE: (sits up on her knees leaning over the back of the couch) Yeah, and Rachel and I are off guys for
a while, so we're free, too.

RACHEL: (also turns around, excited.) Yeah, so where are we going, Joe?

(Joey looks at Ross, then at the girls who are all anxiously awaiting his answer. Then he looks toward
the door, guiltily, and whimpers.)

{Central Perk. Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch.}

(Joey enters and hesitantly walks over toward them with a nervous look on his face. He comes up beside
them and starts tapping on the back of the couch, looking around as if he doesn't see them. Chandler
and Monica look up at him.)

CHANDLER: So, did you get that job umpiring for the
Yanks, Joe?

(Joey sits down in the chair. He leans forward like he's about to say something, but then he chickens out
and slouches down in the chair putting his index finger to his mouth and furrowing his brow.)

MONICA: What's wrong, Joey?

JOEY: I, um... I sort of did something that I don't think you guys are gonna be very happy about.

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, we already know about it. Don't worry, anyone could've made the same mistake.

JOEY: Wait! So you're not mad at me?

MONICA: No, sweetie, it's okay! (Joey looks relieved.) Just be careful never to let the duck eat
chocolate again. (Joey sits straight up, realizing they don't know what he did.) I had to break out the
infomercial cleaning supplies to clean up that chair.

CHANDLER: Yeah, apparently Mr. Clean doesn't make anything potent, yet gentle enough to get ducky
diarrhea off of leather.

(Rachel and Phoebe enter and approach the couch excitedly. Joey gets a panicked look on his face.
Rachel pulls a sweater out of the shopping bag she's carrying.)

RACHEL: Hey guys! Check out the new sweater I got for this weekend!

MONICA: This weekend?

PHOEBE: Yeah, oh, I'm so excited! It's been so long since the six of us took a trip together!

(Monica and Chandler turn to Joey, shocked. Joey is looking off to the side, trying to look innocent.)

RACHEL: I can't believe you guys were gonna take a vacation without telling us! What fun would that be?
I mean, what were you planning on doing the whole weekend anyways?

(Joey snorts, and Rachel and Phoebe look at him expectantly.)

JOEY: uh... Chandler wanted to go shopping in the antique stores they have out there.

(Rachel and Phoebe look at Chandler trying not to laugh. Joey looks at Chandler and smirks.)

CHANDLER: I like to sit in those fancy, highback 18th century chairs and pretend I'm King.

{Friday evening, on the porch of the Bed & Breakfast. Everyone's carrying luggage.}

RACHEL: Oh, this place is beautiful! Did you see the little garden with the swing under the ivy? Monica, I
can't believe you picked such a romantic place to spend the weekend with *Chandler* and *Joey*.

ROSS: Oh, I don't know. I'd kind of like to sit on the swing and watch Joey frolicking in the tulips.

(A woman opens the door.)

WOMAN: Well, you made it! (sees Phoebe's grandmother's cab) You took a taxi all the way from the city?

PHOEBE: (appalled) No! We didn't *take* it, we just borrowed... (notices the others staring at her) Oh,
she just meant.

RACHEL: (clears her throat) You have a lovely house. Is it very old?

WOMAN: Thank you! Yes, this is the oldest farmhouse in the area. It was built over 100 years ago.

CHANDLER: Wow! So, um, does it have, like... secret passages, hidden rooms, that kind of thing?

(Monica smiles at him, but the others look at him like he's crazy.)

ROSS: Why would a farmhouse have secret passages?

CHANDLER: (hesitates a moment) For smuggling chickennnsss...?

(Monica pats him on the arm, and the others just turn back to the woman.)

WOMAN: Let me show you to your rooms.

(They all start up the stairs. Mounted on the wall along the stairway are dozens of antique knives.)

PHOEBE: (nervously whispering to Joey) What do you think all these knives are for?

JOEY: (yells up to the woman) Hey lady! What are all these knives for?

(Phoebe gives Joey a "why'd you do that" look.)

WOMAN: Oh, aren't they lovely? My husband and I are collectors. He also collects old tools like axes and
pitchforks. Those are out in the barn. He'll show them to you tomorrow morning if you like. (Phoebe
looks worried. The woman stops in front of two doors) Well, these are your rooms. Make yourselves at home.
We'll be downstairs if you need anything.

(Monica and Rachel enter one room, and Ross andChandler hesitate at the door of the other.)

JOEY: What's the hold-up? This bag is getting heavy.

ROSS: Um, there's just one single bed, and one double.


CHANDLER: So, two of us are gonna have to... share.

JOEY: How do we decide which one of us gets the single and which ones... share?

(The guys look at each other daringly)

PHOEBE: Let the games begin!

commercial break
{The girls' room. Monica is unpacking her bag, making neat stacks of clothes on the bed. Rachel is casually
tossing her clothes into a drawer which seems to be making Monica uncomfortable. Phoebe is looking at the
books on a shelf.}

MONICA: Um, you know, Rachel...

RACHEL: (looks threateningly at Monica) WHAT?

MONICA: (frightened) I like your new sweater?

(Rachel smiles, grabbing the sweater and tossing it into the drawer. Monica cringes, then murmurs) It'll
look great with those wrinkled pants.

PHOEBE: Hey, guys? Tell me if you find anything odd about the selection of books here. "Mad Murderers,"
"The Serial Killer Strikes Again," "Six Slaughters on a Sunday."

MONICA: So what, Pheebs? Lots of people like to read murder mysteries.

PHOEBE: But these aren't fiction! Plus, up here they've got biographies of tons of infamous killers.
Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper, Son of Sam!

RACHEL: What? (goes over to the shelf and grabs a book) "How Ax-Murderers Do Their Thing: All the Gory
Details!" Oh my... Monica! What kind of place did you bring us to?

MONICA: Guys, you're overreacting. Just because these people like to read about murder, doesn't mean
they practice it at home.

PHOEBE: Well then, how do you explain all the knives in the hallway, and, ew! Oh! We can't let her
husband show us the barn!

RACHEL: Why not?

PHOEBE: Didn't you hear her? He'll show us the axes and pitchforks he has in the barn. Yeah, he'll show
them to us right before he plunges them into us! Oh!

(Phoebe runs to Rachel and they hug. Both looking *very* nervous.)

MONICA: Look, you two are... (A huge crashing sound comes from the guys' room. Monica freezes, eyes wide

(The girls run to the guys' room and fling open the door. Chandler is crumpled on the floor with the
phone cord wrapped all around him.)

MONICA: Chandler! (she runs to his side) Are you okay? What happened?

CHANDLER: Let's just say if I'm ever in the circus,instead of wearing a leotard or carrying a whip, I'll
be wearing baggy pants and carrying a rubber chicken.

JOEY: (turns to Ross) Looks like one of us will be sharing the bed with Clucky here tonight.

(Ross and Joey look menacingly at one another. Chandler hangs his head in shame.)

PHOEBE: And then there were two.

{The guys' room. Joey and Ross are sitting across from each other at a table, staring at each other.
Phoebe and Rachel are on the double bed looking at a book together. Chandler is sitting on the single bed
reading a magazine. Monica is looking out the window.}

PHOEBE: (closes the book) Okay, we looked through the entire guest book, and there wasn't a single
repeat visitor.

RACHEL: People stay here once, but they never return... Or maybe they never leave.

CHANDLER: Well, maybe people don't come back because they don't like what they get for breakfast.

PHOEBE: Well, did the owner say what she'll be serving us for breakfast?

CHANDLER: (in a spooky voice) Why yes, I believe she said we'd get sausage made from the ground up organs
of last week's guests. Bwa ha ha.

RACHEL: Chandler! That's disgusting!

(She throws a pillow at him, but she misses and it hits Joey instead.)

ROSS: You blinked! I win! I get the bed by myself, and you have to sleep with Sausage Boy!

JOEY: No way, man! That doesn't count. It was interference. We have to start a new game. And no
more staring contests. I was getting tired of counting the little hairs between your eyebrows. Ever
hear of a pair of tweezers, dude?

ROSS: (somewhat offended) Fine. New Game. I know! How about Name that Dinosaur!

MONICA: (turns around from the window) I'm going for a walk. (looks meaningfully toward Chandler)

CHANDLER: (jumps up) Oh, hey! You shouldn't go out by yourself. Y'know, ax murderers and all. Why don't
I go with you?

MONICA: Okay, thanks, Chandler.

PHOEBE: Ooh! I wanna go, too. I wanna see if there's any fresh graves around.

(Monica and Chandler look very disappointed.)

CHANDLER: Are you sure, Pheebs? I mean, what if we're walking by a corn field and we run into a crazed
farmer with a pitchfork? I might not be able to protect both of you.

JOEY: Okay Ross, new game. We go for a walk, but instead of *walking* we have to hop, and whoever puts
both feet down first has to sleep with Captain Cornbread.

(Ross and Joey hop out the door. Chandler, Monica and Phoebe follow - walking normally.)

RACHEL: Oh no! I'm not staying here by myself. Wait up!

(She runs out the door pushing past Chandler and Monica, catching up to Phoebe who is slowly following
the hopping Joey and Ross down the stairs.)

PHOEBE: Careful Ross! Your big toe was about two centimeters from touching down.

MONICA: OWWW! (she reaches down to grab her calf)

RACHEL: Mon! What's the matter?

MONICA: Oh! Leg cramp! Ow ow ow! I better go lie down.

CHANDLER: Here, let me help you. You guys go ahead and go walking. (Joey looks up and points towards his
feet. Chandler rolls his eyes.) And *hopping*. Take your time. (The others continue down the stairs.)
Have fun! Bye bye! Take your time... bye bye... (The door slams shut. Monica and Chandler practically
leap into each other's arms and start kissing. He walks her backward to her room, pushing the door open
then closing it behind them without ever breaking the liplock.)

MONICA: Mmm... I thought we'd never get rid of them. How long do you think they'll be gone? (She starts
unbuttoning Chandler's shirt.)

CHANDLER: (kisses her) Oh, I figure we'll at least have time to...

(Rachel and Phoebe's voices can be heard outside the door. And a thumping sound is coming up the stairs.)

CHANDLER: ...button up.

(He pushes Monica down onto the bed and turns away to button his shirt just as the door opens.)

MONICA: What are you guys doing back so soon?

RACHEL: (shrugs) It's raining.

CHANDLER: And you let that stop you? Don't any of you people carry umbrellas?

(There's a loud thud from the hallway.)

JOEY's VOICE: Aw man! No fair, my foot was wet!

ROSS: (appears in the doorway) Well, Mary Poppins, looks like it's you and Joey tonight.

{The girls' room. It's dark. Phoebe and Rachel are sleeping in the double bed. Monica is in the single.}

(The door opens and a man creeps in. He sneaks over to Monica's bed. As he leans over and starts to reach
for her, the floor creeks beneath him.)


(She throws the bedspread over the man. Rachel and Monica start screaming and throwing pillows and
blankets on him. Phoebe hits him repeatedly with her pillow.)

(Joey and Ross run in and turn on the light. Ross is holding a big book over his head, and Joey is holding
a coat rack with both hands.)

ROSS: What's the matter?

PHOEBE: It's the murderer! He was trying to get Monica! You can thank that squeaky board for saving
your life, Mon. (She continues hitting the man with her pillow.)

(The man is trying to talk, but his words are muffled.)

JOEY: Okay, let him out... I'm ready to whack him.

(Ross cautiously removes the blankets and pillows. Phoebe holds her pillow over her head ready to pounce.
Joey inches forward with the coat rack. Monica and Rachel are hugging each other, but leaning forward to
see. Ross pulls back the bedspread to reveal Chandler curled into the fetal position with his arms over his head.)

ROSS: CHANDLER? What the hell are you doing sneaking into the girls' room?

PHOEBE: (hits him one more time with the pillow) You scared us to death, you... you meanie!

CHANDLER: (gets up slowly still protecting his head) The girls' room? I thought I was sneaking into the
kitchen for a snack.

RACHEL: A snack? You nearly make me wet the bed because you want a snack? We thought you were the ax

CHANDLER: (picks up the blankets from the floor and hands them to Monica who shrugs at him) Sorry
everyone. I guess I just don't think clearly when I'm hungry.

JOEY: Whatever you say, Squeaky McCheese.

commercial break
{Central Perk. Rachel and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.}

PHOEBE: So tell me about your lunch date with the tie guy from work.

RACHEL: Okay, you're not gonna believe this one. So,he asks me if I'd like to go for a walk, right? And
I'm picturing a stroll through the park or window shopping downtown or something. But, no. Instead he
takes me to the dry cleaners, and the post office, and the bank... we're running his errands!

PHOEBE: Oh! What a jerk!

RACHEL: And when I asked him if he was even going to buy me lunch. He got all annoyed. Then he gave me a
couple of bucks, and told me to run to the corner for a hot dog from a street vendor!

PHOEBE: Ugh! If I never see another guy again, it'll be too soon.

(Ross comes up behind them.)

ROSS: Hey guys! How's it going?

(Rachel and Phoebe scoff, disgusted, then get up and leave.)

ROSS: (turns to Gunther) What'd I do?

GUNTHER: (shrugs) You were born? (Ross plops down on the couch. Gunther clears away Rachel and Phoebe's
cups.) Oh, and tell your friend Chandler, if he's not happy with the frothiness of our cappuccino, he should
just go somewhere else.

ROSS: What?

GUNTHER: (mumbling as he walks away) As a matter of fact, why don't you join him.

ROSS: Gunther, you forgot to take my order. ...

Gunther? (leans over the edge of the couch) Guuuunntherrrr... (Ross turns back around just as
Gunther comes out from behind the counter carrying an ax. He swings it over his head toward Ross...)

(Cut to: Joey sits up straight in bed with a frightened look on his face.)

(Cut to: Chandler's room. The door opens and Joey is standing there hugging his pillow to his chest.)

CHANDLER: Not the Gunther dream again? (Joey nods) Who was he after this time?

JOEY: Ross. But I'm sure I'm next.

(Chandler rolls over to the far side of the bed.)

CHANDLER: All right, get in. (Joey grins and climbs into bed with Chandler.) But this is the last time.
I've spent more time sleeping with you lately than with Monica. And you're not nearly as much fun in bed
as she is.

JOEY: (gives Chandler a confused and disgusted look, and gets out of the bed) I'm gonna go see if Ross has
room on the couch. (leaves the room)

(Fade out on Chandler's hurt look.)


Author's Note: I got this idea and started writing this story when I was actually staying in a Bed and
Breakfast where the owners had a collection of books about infamous murderers! I got a little creeped out
by it, and I actually did check the guest book for repeat visitors. :) Anyways, please let me know what
you thought of this story. I *love* feedback. It's the only thing that keeps me writing. :)