The One With The Scary Spooks

Written By Caroline Bennett and Nick Anderson (1998)

NOTE: Roughly set between episodes 312-315

******************************** SCENE 1 ****************************

[In central Perk. Monica, Chandler and Rachel are on the couch, Ross is sitting in the chair and Joey is talking to Gunther at the counter]

MONICA: Then there was Dave Bundle, a really good kisser but every time we made out, he would start humming the theme of the Brady Bunch.

ALL: Ewwwwww

RACHEL: Your turn Chandler

CHANDLER: [looks at Rachel Strangely] Yeah like any girl dates me....... period.

[JOEY joins them]

MONICA: Okay Joey, weirdest person you have dated?

JOEY: Definitely the Swanson twins.

ROSS: You dated twins?????

JOEY: Oh Yeah, definitely, all three of them at once, it was so hard to tell which one was which. Let me see there was Molly, Polly and Dolly.

RACHEL: Joey if there was 3 then they wouldn't have been twins. You mean triplets.

CHANDLER: Yeah well there was three, but the cat fighting over Joey's IRRESISTIBLE body killed one, so now there's only two.

JOEY: [seriously] You knew about that?!?!?

MONICA: Okay then Ross, your strangest date?

ROSS: None really, but Rachel is the best girl I have dated [smiles]

ALL: Ohhhhhhh

ROSS [Looking over at Rachel and realising she hasn't been listening] [sarcastically] Though she does seem to always steal the blankets, and she has a obsession with Mark, and I'm thinking of having a affair.

[everyone looks at Rachel]

RACHEL: [turning around and seeing everybody is watching] What? Ross honey, do you think Mark would like it if I cut my hair a bit shorter?


********************************* SCENE 2 **************************

[PHOEBE enters Central Perk and goes to the couch]


ROSS: Hi Pheebs. Where have you been?

PHOEBE: I went to the video shop, looked at some videos, and rented one.

CHANDLER: [clicking his fingers] That's what those things are for!

JOEY: [Perks up a bit at the talk of a movie] Heeeeeeey, what is it? Is it one of mine.

CHANDLER: Now she is sorry Joe, but there was no copies of Alice in Wonderland left.

PHOEBE: No no no, its like a horror movie considering Halloween is so close, and guess what? [Beat] The main characters are Jean Claude Van Dame and Drew Barrymore.

[Everyone looks at Rachel and Monica]

MONICA: Nothing happened between us. We didn't have a threesome with him and we never even met that girl let alone had sex with her.

RACHEL: She wishes.

JOEY [Smiling] Now that's a movie I definitely would want to be a part of.

[Rachel smacks Joey on the head and Monica realising Ross is giving Joey a high five smacks him too]

MONICA: So anyway why dont we kind of have like a Halloween video slumber party at our place. It will be fun

CHANDLER: Well I better ask mummy first. Ill probably have to finish my homework first.

MONICA: Oh come on! It'll be fun! I'll make some popcorn, some cookies, we'll have fun!


ROSS: I'm there

JOEY: Me too

MONICA: Chandler??

CHANDLER: Only if I can bring my teddy. I cant sleep without him.

PHOEBE: [excited] I'm gonna bring mine too then!!!!

JOEY: Hey Monica, would it be all right If I asked Drew?


************************** SCENE 3 **********************************

[Monica and Rachel's apartment. All the girls are there, Phoebe is decorating the room with Jack O Lanterns, Monica is in the kitchen baking, Rachel is rearranging the furniture in front of the
TV. All are wearing witch hats.]

PHOEBE: Erhhhhh

RACHEL: What's up Pheebs? For the last ten minutes each new decoration you put up is greeted by a cry and shudder.

PHOEBE: Well, yeah, its just like you know when you are putting these Pumpkin thingies up and they wont take these evil grins of their faces.

RACHEL: There not real Pheebs; pumpkins.

PHOEBE: Got ya!

[Joey and Chandler enter carrying sleeping bags and Chandler has a rucksack flung over his back]

MONICA: What in the sack Huckleberry?

CHANDLER: Oh you know, just Oscar

RACHEL: As in the grouch?

CHANDLER: Well you know he is in the morning, but wouldn't you be if you woke up in trash can. No my bear teddybear Oscar.

PHOEBE: [excited] Hey hey hey, I brought my special teddy bear too, Getrid.

CHANDLER: Well then I guess Oscar and Getrid can canoodle while we watch the movie.

JOEY: Okay enough of this boring talk on teddy-bears, lets talk about something more interesting. I had sex last night.

RACHEL: Joey, I am so glad you just told me that!!! You have just made my day..........

MONICA: I'm sure *I'll* get through tonight okay now, knowing Joey had sex.

JOEY: Well I'm sorry its just like it was a kind of milestone for me.

CHANDLER: You worked out how to deflate her?

PHOEBE: What kind of milestone?

JOEY: [smiling with pride] Its my half century.

RACHEL: Why are we watching a movie tonight when we can hear about Joeys sexual accomplishments?

CHANDLER: Cause Joey's sex life has a better director.

************************** SCENE 4 *****************************

ROSS: [Walks in the apartment] Hi!!! [Walks over to Rachel]

RACHEL: Hey you, I missed you.. [kisses him hello]

CHANDLER: I missed you too sweetums_ [goes to kiss Ross too as he walks over to the couch]

RACHEL: HEY! No sharing Ross.

ROSS: Hey, don't be greedy Rachel!

MONICA: C'mon, everyone get settled. Lets gets groovy and watch this movie.

CHANDLER: Let's get groovy and watch this movie? What 60's trip are you on!?!

JOEY: [Yells out from the kitchen] Hey! Where's my Coco Pops? Where'd you put them Monica?

MONICA: They were yours? [Goes and gets them off the shelf] Want a bowl and some milk?

JOEY: Nah I gotta eat these baby straight outta the box.

RACHEL: Whatever. Lets watch it.

PHOEBE: Wait! I just had a thought!

JOEY: Well what is it Pheebs?

PHOEBE: hmmm, I don't remember anymore. Lets go.


PHOEBE: Wait wait wait, No I lost it again.

ROSS: [grabs Rachel as she goes to sit on the only empty chair] Sit with me. [pulls her down and she falls onto Chandlers lap]

RACHEL: ROSS! What are you doing!

CHANDLER: [Rachel starts to get off him] Noooo, nooooooo, stay, this is ok, this is ok! I can see! I can see!

ROSS: Sit next to me honey. Please?

RACHEL: [Stands up] Ross, there's no room. I'll just sit over there.

ROSS: PLEEEEEEEASE?? Sit with me? I get__scared_.

MONICA: Oh you big baby! Here you go Rachel, take my seat, I'll sit there. [Rachel sits next to Ross]

PHOEBE: Where's the remote?

JOEY: [pulls it out of his pants] I got it.

RACHEL [to Joey] Why?

JOEY: I feel closer to the movie this way. [presses play]

******************************** SCENE 5 ***************************

[Gang around TV]

CHANDLER: Okay thats it. [standing up] Im so scared that I've had a little accident in my pants, Im going to the bathroom.

MONICA: Okay well hurry, the movie will start any minute.

CHANDLER: Gee Im this scared from the previews, think how Im going to be when some looney garrottes the innocent bystander.

ROSS: Keep those pants away from me.

[Phoebe is staring at Ross and Rachel who are making out discreetly in the background]

PHOEBE: Wow you two look like you're really into the movie.

[Phone rings]

MONICA: I'll get it, could be something important. [Monica rushes to phone and we hear her talking on the phone in the background.

[Chandler returns from bathroom]

CHANDLER: Hey, whats this movies running time?

JOEY: hmmmm, it says here on the front 15+, thats unusual, I didn't know it was a short movie.

CHANDLER: [soft tone to Ross and Rachel] I think we'd better take Joey home, he may look old enough but I dont think he is quite ready for this movie.

MONICA: Well that was Dracula, apparently we'd better watch out as he has risen tonight and is on the crawl for blood.

CHANDLER: Boys, backs to the wall, Draculas on the crawl.

PHOEBE: Okay can we please, please try and watch some of this movie now.

MONICA: Okay, Joey hit play again and lets start this movie.

JOEY: [Fumbling in his pants]

RACHEL: Joey I hope you aren't going commando.

JOEY: Nope, sure I would be that gross, you know to like keep a remote control down my pants when I haven't got briefs on. How yuk would that be?

PHOEBE: So where is it Joey?

JOEY: [Feeling in pocket] Here it is. [pulls out remote which has a piece of sticky food stuck to it]

*************************** SCENE 6********************************

[Movie is just beginning, lights are dimmed, movie has began. On the movie screen we see a girl see a ghost and scream].

CHANDLER: No Monica, Nobody left the lid off the juice.

[Monica hits Chandler with the pillow]

PHOEBE: Shhhhhh, this is supposed to be the best part.

ROSS: Like the other 14 million before it?

PHOEBE: No really, I read about this part. This is the part where the stalker guy, starts wearing a balaclava, and he sneaks up behind Cynthia and Jack and......... [Realises that everyone is staring at her for spoiling what happens] Okay "again" I'm really sorry.

JOEY: [sarcastically] No you know its okay Pheebs, I actually think I like hearing what happens from you better than watching it. [sees he has upset Phoebe]. Im sorry Pheebs. [moves over and hugs her].

[Typical Horror Movie Music begins, like soft at first and gradually getting louder, all friends watch in anticipation, suddenly the tv blacks out and the room is shrouded in pitch black].

CHANDLER: Oh my, its real, its real I tell you.

MONICA: Its okay, its okay, I'll hit the light. [bang] Ouch, table. [Another gruff noise as Monica runs into something else] Oh Joey look get out of the way.

JOEY [From across the room]: What?

[Monica has finally found the light, she switches it on and screams as a large black figure stands beside her and its not Joey.]


+++++++++++++++++++++++++ SCENE 7 +++++++++++++++++++++++++

[Monica's and Rachel apartment. Monica is near door gasping, black figure; can only see his back, rest of gang look intently from around the tv].

MONICA: What are you doing here?!?!?! You freaked me out. [Monica puts down the bread roll she was wielding as a weapon].

MR TREEGER: Hi guys. Listen, I'm really sorry to have scared you. Its just been a really weird night. First I had five people ring my number and claim to be some kind of ghoul, then I had these little kids dressed in costumes come to my house and demand candy, so I gave them each a pickle, and then I heard screaming from up here, so I thought maybe Monica had discovered somebody had left a tap dripping again.

JOEY: How come we didn't go trick or treating?

CHANDLER: Because you scare me, even when your not in a costume.

TREEGER: Anyway Id better get back downstairs, when I left there was a couple of cowboys who'd got their lassos caught on the fan.  See you guys later.

[Treeger leaves]

RACHEL: So anyway what happened to the tv?

PHOEBE: I dont know. Maybe the spirit of a old clairvoyant who used to live in this building is trapped in there and she only appears at Halloween to scare people by turning the tv off...... or otherwise I just accidentally sat on the remote {take remote out from under her butt].

++++++++++++++++++++ SCENE 8 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[Lights are dim again and the movie is running, everyone is squashed onto the couch except Phoebe]

PHOEBE: God you are guys are like so wimpy! Scaredy cats.

ALL: No we're not!!!

PHOEBE: Ye-huh you are!

[ Flashback to movie, killer leaps out at victim with a knife. Then back to the couch with ALL the friends squashed on it].

ROSS: Who's a scaredy cat now huh?


[The others all just look at Phoebe like `hello??']

[Another flashback of the movie, a woman who looks similar to Monica is on the screen].

ALL: WOW!!!!!!!!!

MONICA: Oh my god. That's me! How'd I get in there!?!?

JOEY: No thats not Monica. That woman there looks attractive.

MONICA: Thanks Joey.

JOEY: Oh sorry Monica, I didn't mean it like that, I mean you look really good too, I
mean if you didn't have that little moustache growing I might have dated you.

MONICA: [Distressed] What moustache??!?!?!?!

CHANDLER: The white one after you drink milk?

ROSS: C'mon guys, give her a break, its not her fault she has the worse case of female facial hair in new York.

[Guys laughing]

MONICA: [angrily runs to the bathroom]

RACHEL: That was really mean you boys. I mean for starters, she has no facial hair.

PHOEBE: Yeah and you know what, she doesn't even have any facial hair.

RACHEL: Thats what I just said hon

PHOEBE: Oops sorry, I thought you said something else. Well anyhow Rachel's right, you guys are too mean to Monica, I mean we dont gang up on you and mock you guys. Its not like we ever mock
Joey about his girlie voice.

JOEY: [So self conscious he does actually sound like a girl] I have a girlie voice?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++ SCENE 9 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[Monica has returned from the bathroom, she is sitting on the couch cuddled up with Joey as they seem to be supporting each other after finding out about their faults. Rachel is beside them, Phoebe is sprawled on the floor, while Chandler and Ross are on the arms of the couch. Movie is still going, towards the end]

PHOEBE: Sssh you guys!!! I'm trying to watch this. [Phoebe has her hands over her eyes]

MONICA: Yeah c'mon lets all be quiet.

CHANDLER: Ok moustache_____uh Monica.

[Giggles all round.]

JOEY: OK you guys pause the movie gotta go back to my apartment to get more cereal. [Joey leaves]

ALL: Not again.

ROSS: The movie is supposed to go for a hour and a half, yet so far we've been watching it for about 3 hours.

[We see Joey in his apartment getting cereal, and sitting down to watch tv. After a minute he realises he's meant to go back to watch a video! On the way out he sees the phone and inspiration
hits him.]

[Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phone rings, and Rachel strides over to the phone to answer it.]

RACHEL: Hello? Hello???

JOEY: [in disguised voice] What are you doing?

RACHEL: Uh who is this?

JOEY: You can call me Bill. I wanna know what you're doing. What are you wearing pretty lady. Or are you wearing nothing at all?

RACHEL: I don't know you so I'm going now.

JOEY: No!!! Tell me is there anyone missing over there? Someone you're waiting on to come back?

RACHEL: No not that I can think of.

JOEY: Damn neither can I. Oh wait as sec I just remembered who it was again. C'mon
pretty lady, think, He isn't going to come back.

RACHEL: [really freaked out] Oh my god you guys someone's got Joey! This guy has Joey! Give him back you freak!

MONICA: Ross! Quick! Go to his apartment! Help! Maybe he's there.

ROSS: No___. [Rachel glares at him.] OK. Chandler. Come.

CHANDLER: No. No. Noooooooo

PHOEBE: GO!!!!!! Hands them baseball bats. [Pushes them out into the hallway and shuts door on them.]

ROSS: OK you go first.

CHANDLER: Who died and made you boss man?

ROSS: Uh maybe Joey??

CHANDLER: [that shocks him into action.] OK man I'm going in. [takes deep deep breaths and goes back towards Monica's door as if he is going to run up and bodyslam the door to open it.]

ROSS: Chandler?


ROSS: You got a key??

CHANDLER: Oh yeah.

[Chandler returns back to the door to open it with his key]

[Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is on the phone with a bowl of coco pops in front of him. Ross and Chandler have just entered poised at the ready with baseball bats.]

JOEY INTO PHONE: Oh yeah and I want 12 grilled cheese sandwiches put on the doorstep in fifteen minutes. [Joey puts down the receiver and looks up to see Chandler and Ross] Hey guys, whats up?

ROSS: Quick Joey, run, save yourself. Run, run.

JOEY: What?!?!?!

CHANDLER: From the kidnapper. Quick we gotta get outta here now. Hurry up, hurry up.

[Joey realises what they're talking about and plays along]

JOEY: Oh, oh yeah. My sweet cereal, I promised to give my life to you, and Im not going to let you die, your coming with me.

[The guys run from the apartment, Chandler and Ross with their bats, Joey cradling his cereal]


++++++++++++++++++++++ SCENE 9 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is there. Joey is shielding himself as all the girls hit him with newspapers.]

JOEY: Okay, okay Im sorry.

MONICA: How could you do that? How could you be so mean and let us think you'd been kidnapped.

PHOEBE: Yeah, we almost called the cops, and the ambulance.

JOEY: Why were you going to call the ambulance?

PHOEBE: Because Rachel fainted.

[Everyone looks at Rachel]

JOEY: You did?

CHANDLER: Yes, her %15 gift voucher at Bloomingdales expired.

RACHEL TO JOEY: Yeah well, I was really worried about you. I really did think some lunatic had kidnapped you.

[Joey and Rachel hug, followed by a group hug]


++++++++++++++++++++++ SCENE 10 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[Lights are dim again, and movie is rolling. Everyone is huddled on the floor except for Monica and Chandler who are on the couch]

RACHEL POINTING AT MOVIE: So the killer was from Memphis and the smelly guy from Chicago right?

ROSS: Yeah, and now you know why they call it the "windy city".

[Monica on couch, we see a hand creeping over her shoulder]

MONICA: Cut it out.

PHOEBE: Do you guys think the killer is hot?

CHANDLER: Oh yeah a definite stud.

[Hand creeping up Monica's shoulder again

MONICA [Turning around and lashing out]: I said cut it out Joey!!!!


JOEY: Its not me

[Monica quickly turns around and gasps]

MONICA: Mr Heckles!!!!!


Many thanks to the reader for taking the time to read our script.

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