The One With The Slap

Hey everybody. Here is the repost of TOW the Slap, the fanfic that redoes TO the Morning After and puts a lot more respect for the characters and the fans than the writers of the show did. This, in my opinion, is the way the Ross/Rachel breakup should have gone down. My thanks to everyone who has bugged me for copies of this script, and extra special thanks Claire Foster, without whose insight into the dysfunctional whimsey of the Ross/Rachel romance, this may have never come to past. Please turn down your lights, and crying babies may be placed in the receptical in the lobby. Thanks and enjoy.

Adapted from The One The Morning After by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane
Written by: Bobby Coakley

[A montage of scenes from TOW Ross and Rachel Take A Break follows.]

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]

Ross: I mean, I don't feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore.

Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you've got a girlfriend?

Ross: Is this about Mark?

Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.

Ross: Okay, it's not, it's not.

Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break.

Ross: Fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a break, (goes to the door) let's cool off, okay, let's get some frozen yogurt or something. (opens the door)

Rachel: No. A break from us. (Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.]

Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don't want to take a break.

Ross: (on the phone) I've been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don't, don't you think we can work on this?

Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?

Ross: Who's that?

Rachel: Nobody.

Ross: Is that Mark?

Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to....

Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone)

[Scene: The Philly.]

Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married? `Cause that's okay.

[Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.]


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has just finished her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.]

Monica: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: How's the big anniversary dinner?

Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner.

Monica:(raising her eyebrows) Ohhh, nice.

Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead.

Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the blender without the lid on it and fruit flies everywhere.)

Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica it's on the ceiling.

Monica: That's okay, this is more important than fruit (pause) (angrily) on my ceiling! You broke up?!

Rachel: Yeah, but it's okay, because when Ross left Mark came over.

Monica: Oh no!!

Rachel: No.

Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?!

Rachel: No, no-no, it's okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work.

[Scene: Ross's Living Room, Ross is waking up. He straightens himself out on the lumpy couch and pulls a blanket over his head.]

Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Morning!

(Ross sits bolt upright, without moving the blanket)


[Scene: Ross's Kitchen, Ross is taking some aspirin and checking his messages.]

Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, it's me. I've been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid.

Ross: (bitterly) Damn right.

Rachel: I'm just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don't want to get back together over a machine.

Ross: Na-huh.

Rachel: So, I love you.

Ross: (sadly) I love you... I think.

Rachel: And y'know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I'm gonna stop by around 8:30.

Ross: Okay. (Ross starts frantically looking for a clock.)

Rachel: Bye.

(Ross finds a clock, sees it's almost 8:30, and silently screams.)

Ross: Chloe, Chloe how's it coming?!!

Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should get?

Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don't know. How about a big one?

Chloe: But my apartment is so...

Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, you kinda have to get going!

Chloe: Wait! Where's my shoes?

Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? (Chloe nods her head) Okay. (reaches down and picks up a shoe)

Chloe: Do I know why I'm rushing?

Ross: Yeah, y'know Rachel? (He's frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!

Chloe: Well, that was fast. You sure that's for the best? Remember what I told you...

Ross: Yeah! While I know we didn't do anything, it might be for the best if she doesn't find you here.

Chloe: Ross, how many more glasses of fat are you going to have to drink? I did tell you there is more to life than fulfilling some high school fantasy. It really seems to me you have almost no self respect when...

Ross: Yes, yes I promise I'll talk to her about this. We need to talk about this. What you said, it made sense. I can't believe I didn't think about it earlier. It's just that this (indicating her in the apartment) can look really bad, you know? Well.... (picks up her coat)

Chloe: Mark being in her apartment looked bad too. But I can take a hint. Good luck with Rachel, I think you both need it.

Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to hug him, but he holds her coat up between their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind the door) Rachel!!!!

Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.

Ross: (his earlier bitterness dissolving) Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.

Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again?

Ross: (his resolve crumbling) Yes, you can, very much.

(Chloe gives Ross a cautionary thumbs up while still standing behind the door.)

Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering carry a large box, Monica is mopping the ceiling.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Monica: Hey.

Phoebe: Mopping the ceiling I see. Well, Chandler wins that bet.

Monica: Oh, there's just banana on it.

Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine.

Monica: Really? Well, Joey wins that bet.

Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.

Monica: Oh, good. Thanks.

Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec?

Monica: Okay, all right don't judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing....

Phoebe: Waxine!!

Monica: Yes! Have you seen it?

Phoebe: Oh, it's incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.

Monica: I know!!

Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn't hurt? `Cause how can they do that?

Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!

Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told Chandler and Joey his act, which could have been worse, but is still pretty bad. Chandler and Joey are still stunned, and seem to be ignorting Ross's next lines.]

Ross: So, that's it. Of course, everything I want to say to Rachel, about how she couldn't just break-up with me for one night to punish me for coming into her office just wouldn't wash with me anymore... well, one smile from her and it all goes out the window. (sighs) I can understand why people did that to her in high school, she was the most popular girl in school, but we're supposed to be adults now. Guess it's back to the glasses of fat for me.

Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God!

Ross: Huh? Am I missing something?

Chandler: You spent the night with the Xerox girl? I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn't find you, you'd gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh? Who in the world stays up all night talking to a girl, anyway?

Chandler: "Talking." Yeah, right.

Ross: Wait, you don't think Chloe and I... (Joey and Chandler give him a "come on" look) Hey, honest, nothing happened! Really! I... I couldn't do something like that, break or no break! Well, there was intent, I'll admit that, but I just couldn't do it.

Joey: Ah, I understand. You had knocked back a few and that can lead to "Houston, we have a problem."

Chandler: Getting pickled can effect your pickle, you know!

Ross: Guys! That wasn't the reason. But I swear, nothing happened. I even slept on that lumpy couch of mine. The... intent was there, but I couldn't go through with it. Chloe understood, and we talked. You do believe me, right?

Chandler and Joey: (pausing) Yes. Of course. Definitely.

(Ross rubs his eyes. Joey and Chandler make a quick "limp noodle" motion with their hands.)

Ross: I'm in Hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel's all like, `I love you and, and let's work on this.' And all I can think about is, `What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?' when I tell her what I did. I know it's not as bad a what I could have done, but still, she is NOT going to like it when I tell her what Chloe and I talked about. And why is that anyway? Does every action of my life have to revolve around her? I mean... some of what she said did make sense. Maybe... maybe I should tell her. Do you think maybe talking to Rachel about this will finally bring some thing up that need to be brought up?

Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you?

Ross: What?! Look, we're trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. A relationship that was an impossible fantasy to me ever since I was 16, and was close to it for a long time. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other? Chloe told me...

Joey: Look, Ross look, I'm on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that's gonna get you in trouble.

Chandler: He's right. Rachel is still gonna be sore when she learns the flesh was willing but the spirit was weak. Is she really going to be all happy that you had a girl in your bed, even if you weren't in it with her? Nobody's gonna benefit, and you're just gonna hurt her.

Joey: Yeah, and then there won't be a relationship left to rebuild.

Ross: Hearing Mark on the phone was hurtful to me. But don't you think....

Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one of the leather chairs, with the footrest extended.) Nothing like a lie to restart the greatest thing I ever had in my pathetic worthless excuse of a life.

Joey: That's the spirit! All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn't find out some other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about the trail?

Ross: What trail?

Joey: (stomps on the footrest which pops Ross up into a sitting position) The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! (slapping his hands with each word) You always have to think about the trail!

Ross: Chloe and I did nothing but talk and play gin-rummy. Oh, I don't think there's any trail anyway.

Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac's sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works with Phoebe. And Phoebe's friends with Rachel. And that's the trail, I did it!

Joey: Gin-rummy? I thought you didn't keep drinks in your apartment.

Ross: Maybe Rachel should find out. This could look bad, but knowing how Rachel is, I'm sure she'll listen to me and understand that... that... (thinks a moment, then gets up) If anyone asks, I went to get ice cream. (rushes out the door)

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are waxing their legs.]

Phoebe: (reading from the instructions) After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one.

Monica: Did that!

Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its `easy grab tab' and pull it off in one quick pain free motion.

Monica: Okay. (Does so. Makes a face and screams.) Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh!

Phoebe: Was it not pain-free?

Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax.

Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don't seem to think it's that bad.

Monica: That's because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don't believe me, please, by my guest.

Phoebe: (Removing one of the strips) Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!!

Monica: Now, are you glad we didn't start with the bikini strips?

[Scene: The Xerox Place, Ross is trying to break the trail.]

Ross: (entering) Chloe? Hi..

Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch?

Ross: You took my watch?

Chloe: I'm sorry, I do that. My dad says...

Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us?

Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn't really anybody's business, y'know. All we did was talk and play gin-rummy. And there was the fact that alchohol can have an effect on a man's ability to maintain...

Ross: (interupting) Exactly. So you didn't, didn't mention anything to Issac right?

Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything.

Ross: Of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven't actually met...

Issac: You dog!

Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I happen to have a girlfriend.

Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.

Ross: Yeah, that's the one. Listen, I don't want to hurt her.

Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn't matter how much we love `em, monogamy is too cruel a rule.

Ross: I didn't sleep with Chloe. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself?

Issac: (obviously not believe him) Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We're the same, you and me.

Ross: Actually, no, we're not.

Issac: Yeah, we are.

Ross: No, we're not.

Issac: Yeah, we are.

Ross: (irked) No, we're not!!

Issac: Okay, we're not.

Ross: Right.

Issac: But, we are.

Ross: (rolling his eyes) Fine. I just need to know that you're not gonna tell your sister.

Issac: I can promise not to tell her again.

Ross: Great. Well, goodbye. (hurries out)

Issac: You and him, huh?

Chloe: Hey, I told you nothing happened! You did tell Jasmine that, right?

Issac: Well, it's not my fault if she infers that.

[Scene: Phoebe's Work, Ross is now trying to stop Jasmine from telling Phoebe.]

Ross: (entering out of breath) Jasmine?

Jasmine: Uh-huh.

Ross: We met at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm, I'm Ross Geller.

Jasmine: You did a bad thing!

Ross: No, I... (decides not to argue) Yes, I did.

Jasmine: Very bad!

Ross: Very bad.

Jasmine: Very, very bad.

Ross: I'm agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet?

Jasmine: No.

Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don't. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay?

Jasmine: All right.

Ross: Thank you, thank you.

Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too.

Ross: (angrily) Who's your roommate?

[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is wiping down the counter as Ross rushes in.]

Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.

Gunther: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?

(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)


[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are removing the rest of their wax strips.]

Monica: Ow!

Phoebe: Oh!!

Monica: Ow!! Ow!!

Phoebe: Ow!!!

Monica and Phoebe: Ow!!!!!!! Ow-ow-ow-ow!

(Hearing the screaming Chandler and Joey rush in. Joey has a pan, Chandler has a tea kettle.)

Phoebe: We're all right.

Monica: It's okay, it's okay.

Phoebe: We're all right.

Monica: We were just waxing our legs.

Chandler: Off?!!

Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.

Chandler: Yeah, well I don't think you can make that statement, unless you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.

Joey: Yeah, I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that's all. I mean, come on, it's just a little wax.

Phoebe: Oh yeah, come here. (Puts a little wax on Joey's arm and puts a strip on it.)

Chandler: Oh, this should be good.

Joey: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off?

Phoebe: Uh-huh.

Monica: That's right.

(Joey laughs, pulls it off, get an odd look on his face, then makes a very strange noise.)

[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is trying to close the door on Ross.]

Ross: (forcing the door open) Come on, Rachel, come on! Talk to me! Please!!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, Chandler slowly closes the door, and we hear Rachel from the living room.]

Rachel: I can't talk to you. I can't even look at you right now!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Nothing, nothing.

Monica: (going over to listen at the door) Rachel said everything was okay.

Phoebe: (to Joey) What, what are they talking about?

Ross: Rachel?

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Just get away from me!

Ross: Rachel, it was not what you're thinking!

Rachel: Were you trying to put it in her purse and missed?

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Phoebe:Where did he put it?

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: Ross, how could you spend the night with another woman?!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, both Monica and Phoebe gasp.]

Monica: Oh my God.

Phoebe: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.

Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk....

Monica: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You guys knew about this and you didn't tell us?!

Chandler: (to Joey) He gets lucky, and we get hit in our heads.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: (opening the door) Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!

Ross: No!!

Rachel: Just get out! Now!!

Ross: No!! No!! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.

Rachel: Okay! All right! How was she?

Ross: (tired of this) I didn't sleep with her!!!!

Rachel: Do I look stupid to you?!

Ross: Rachel, I swear on everything I hold dear. On my life, on Ben's life, on Monica's life, on my mother's life, all we did was talk. That's all. I swear. I was going to do it, but I couldn't go through with it. She agreed, and we just talked. And ate.

Rachel: (softening slightly)So, you talked... all night? And ate?

Ross: Yes. We just talked. About me, about her, we talked. Talk, talk, talk. And ate. And she stole my watch.

Rachel: So, you had The Talk.

Ross: Huh?

Rachel: (burning up with anger) The Talk a man and a woman have where they stay up all night, don't have sex, and just talk to each other, learning about each other. Learning intimate and special things about each other that only a girlfriend should know!!!

(Rachel picks up a newspaper and starts beating him with it.)

Ross: What? Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Phoebe: Should we do something?

Chandler: Yeah, never talk to another girl on Rachel. In fact, I'd advise you two to never speak to each other again.

[Cut to Living Room. Ross grabs the paper away from Rachel.]

Ross: I'm sorry, okay, I am sorry. I knew you wouldn't like it, and when you said you were coming over, I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible.

Rachel: Whoa!! Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? (Ross can't answer that) Oh my God. She was there? She was still there? She was in there, when I was in there?!

(Ross hands Rachel back the newspaper, and she starts beating him with it again.)

Ross: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that all we did was talk! That's all, talk! No kissing, no touching, hell, I even slept on the couch!

Rachel: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!!

(She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monica's door, they all jump back at the sound.)

Ross: Look, I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardise, or what I did would! I thought you had broken up with me.

Rachel: We were on a break!

Ross: That, for all I knew, would and could last forever. How was I supposed to know it would only last one night, though I shouldn't be surprised. You said "a break from us." Apparantly me trying to be in your life was too much trouble for you. That, to me, is a break-up.

Rachel: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?

Ross: Look, I'm not trying to get out of anything, okay? I didn't do anything! I thought our relationship was dead!

Rachel: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Y'know what, I don't think we should listen to this anymore. (Goes to open the door)

Monica: (stopping him) What, what are you doing? You can't go out there.

Joey: Why not?! I'm hungry.

Monica: Because they'll know we've been listening.

[Cut to Living Room]

Rachel: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!!

Ross: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over town like an idiot trying to make sure that didn't happen!

Rachel: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I'm falling in love with you all over again.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about.

Joey: Yeah, we'll be fine.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Look, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should. Then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, we're never leaving, ever.

[Later, Phoebe is on the phone, they're all still trapped in Monica's bedroom.]

Phoebe: Hi, it's Phoebe. Listen someone's gonna have to take my 9:00 with Mr. Rehack, 'cause it's like 9:15 now, and I'm not there.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Don't you realise none of this would've ever happened if I didn't think at that same moment you weren't having sex with Mark?

Rachel: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?

Ross: (confidently) Yes I would.

Rachel: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?

Ross: (less sure) Yes.

Rachel: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were....

Ross: (covering his ears and screaming) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated. Hell, it's something I've been accustomed to over time. But.. but, I would still want to be with you. Because, I mean, it's you. It's always been you Rachel. You know that!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

All: Ohhhhh!

[Later, Ross and Rachel are sitting in the kitchen.]

Ross: What? Come on Rach, tell me what you're thinking?

Rachel: I'm thinking I'm gonna order a pizza.

Ross: (hopefully) Order a pizza like, 'I forgive you?'

[She turns around and glares at him, he turns away.]

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Oh man, pizza? I like pizza. (tries to send a telepathic message to Rachel) Put olives on the pizza.

Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It's organic.

Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it. Like a white kiwi.

Phoebe: No, not the used wax.

Chandler: Because that would be crazy?

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Hey, can I get in on that? Because I'm kind of hungry myself.

Rachel: Fine. (on phone) Hi! Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza.

Ross: No anchovies.

Rachel: With anchovies please.

Ross: Oh, that's very mature. I'm so glad we can be adult about this.

[Rachel looks at Ross somewhat nervously]

Rachel: Uh, make that half anchovies, half with... olives, please.

[Cut to later, they are finishing up the pizza, there's one piece left.]

Ross: You can have the last piece, if you want.

Rachel: Hell, I don't care. I think I've swallowed enough for one day. Eat it, if your throat's not sore from talking all night with her.

Ross:(trying to make a joke) Well, considering what else could be sore....

[Rachel glares hard at him]

[Cut to Monica's bedroom, they're all eating the wax. Chandler and Phoebe don't like it. Joey tries some and makes a 'Hey, it's not so bad' face.]

Phoebe: (nervous) They're gonna get through this, aren't they?

Chandler: (trying to be confident) Yeah, come on, it's Ross and Rachel, they've got to.

Monica:(also nervous) What if they don't?

(Long pause.)

Joey: You think I need a new walk?

Chandler: What?

Joey: Well y'know, I've been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.

Chandler: Joey, two of our closest friends are on the verge of breaking up and I just ate some used wax. Are you actually saying these words?

[Later, in the living room, Rachel is sitting on the couch, Ross is on the chair.]

Ross: What, now you're not even taking to me? (moves over to the coffee table) Huh? I don't cheat, Rachel. That's not me, I'm not Joey!

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! (The others give him a 'come on' look.) Yeah, okay.

Monica: Hey. It's three in the morning. They don't know that I've come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am.

Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved.

[Cut to Living Room]

Ross: Y'know what, I'm not the one that wanted that, that "break," okay. You're the one that bailed on us. You're the one that ran when things got a little rough!

Rachel: That's....

Ross: That's what?!

Rachel: That is neither here nor there.

Ross: Okay, well here we are. Now we're in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it?

Rachel:I just realized, I have no idea what you two talked about

Ross: Is that really important? It was just talk. People talk all the time. We're talking right now, thankfully.

Rachel: Ross, if you were so hurt and so devistated and so... you when it comes to these things, I'm sure it wasn't just talk! You don't stay up all night with someone after you break-u... take a break and make idle chit-chat!

Ross: Okay. You're right. Chloe listened as I talked about you, and I listened as she gave some... opinions about us.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom]

All: Uh-oh.

[Cut to living room]

Rachel: Opinions. What sort of opinions?

Ross: Just what she thought, Rachel. Look, is it really that important what someone else, who I swear never to even think about again, thinks about our relationship?

Rachel: If you were willing to sleep on that lumpy couch of yours that still smells like monkey hair, and let her stay in our bed, I'd say her opinion might be of some interest to me.

[Ross sighs at this. He looks even more pained than before.]

Ross: Well... she thought it was interesting that it wasn't until I was with Julie that you feelings... for me.

Rachel: You told her about Julie?

Ross: Yes, while she was beating me at gin-rummy.

[Quick cut to Monica's room]

Phoebe: I thought Ross didn't keep liquor in his apartment.

[Cut to living room]

Rachel: I see. It was odd that when Julie showed up I started feeling something for you? I was pretty mixed up then, Ross, you know that.

Ross: Chloe said... it was like I was some doll in a toy shop you ignored until someone else wanted to buy it. While I didn't really like being compared to a doll, especially a frilly Victorian antique one, I sort of got the point.

Rachel: So, I was only being a selfish spoiled brat when I fell in love with you?

Ross: No, she said... how it was selfish for you to try to turn the others against Julie, and later try to do what you could to break us up.

Rachel: I see. And what did she say about that horrible List you made up?

Ross: Oh, she knew that was all Chandler and Joey's fault. But she did say it was wrong of me to follow their lead, and how there's more to wanting to be with someone than simply their pros and cons.

Rachel: Ah, well here are a few "cons." Jealous, possessive, whiny, needy, poor self-esteem, and not trusting!

Ross: That's... a lot worse than just putting too much gel in my hair. And she said those same thing about me. Even threw in vindictive.

Rachel: She seems to know an awful lot for working as a Xerox place.

Ross: Well, her dad's a psychiatrist. A couple therapist, actually. She's been taking some classes herself. The Xerox job is to pay the rent.

Rachel: Just perfect. Our Xerox girl is Dr. Ruth with a navel-ring. Ross, how could you do this to me? How could you be so sure that Mark and I made love? I told you how much I trusted you, and I thought the same went for me. Did you somehow think the past year we've been together was a whim of mine that had run its course? That some job could really come between what we had?

Ross: All it took was a gravy boat for you to leave Barry, and you were ready to marry him. You even slept with him after he was engaged to Mindy, since you found out they had slept together when you two were engaged.

Rachel: So, why didn't you sleep with Chloe then? If you thought it would be something I would do and was doing, why didn't you do it too? (pause) Was it to somehow be... better than me?

Ross: I'm not better than that, Rachel. After Carol left me... I nearly had sex with Phoebe just to boost my own ego.

[Cut to Monica's bedroom. Monica, Chandler and Joey all turn to look at Phoebe, shocked. Phoebe turns away and starts to chew her hair.]

[Back to living room. Rachel is also stunned.]

Rachel: She never told me that.

Ross: Well, we both realized it would be a bad idea, and we sort of swore to pretend it never happened. Don't tell her or anyone else, okay?

Rachel: I-I won't. God. Ross, did you agree with what she said? (Ross doesn't answer) Okay, you were mad at me at the time. With what I said and hearing Mark on the phone, you were mad at me, and at that moment what she said about me made sense to you.

Ross: And some... still does.

[Ross and Rachel stand across from each other.]

Rachel: Don't you get it, Ross? I want my own life, for once!

Ross: Is it so horrible for me to be a part of that? Okay, I know setting fires in your office isn't the best way, but do I have to do all the work here? Do I really need to put up with "stealing your wind" or drinking fat or lying to your parents so I can feel I'm worthy of you?

Rachel: Worthy? You're the one who spent the night with another woman! Sex or no sex, that is a big deal!

Ross: And wanting as much from you as you get from me isn't? I've done everything I can, Rach. If that makes me possessive and needy, fine, then that's what I am. I loved you without doubt or question, while you could only be with me when it was good for you!

Rachel:(raising her voice) There you go, always wanting to control every aspect of my life you feel might be out of your hands! Do you want to know my every thought and every action 24 hours a day? Or do you want me to just do nothing except whatever will make you feel 100% secure, even if I hate it?

Ross:(ditto) I am not saying that!

Rachel: (shouting) I want to accomplish something with my life, like you have!

Ross: (also shouting) Rachel, I'm 29 years old, and all I've ever accomplished was having a child with a lesbian and overcoming my geekiness to boff the homecoming queen!

[Rachel looks shocked for 1 second. Then she slaps Ross across the face. Hard.]

[The Slap is replayed two more times. Once from over Ross's shoulder, and once over Rachel's shoulder. It is the same Slap, she does not slap him 3 times.]

[Cut to Monica's bed room. Everyone recoils at this Slap, completely stunned]

[Back to the living room. Ross gently rubs his cheek while Rachel rubs her palm with her thumb. They both have a look of pure pain on their faces. They both have just hurt each other more than they ever thought possible. Neither one thought they could inflict or receive so much pain on or from each other as they just have.]

Ross: (softly) I should go.

Rachel: (softly) Yes, I think you should.

Ross: (moving towards the door) Okay. You said there was nothing so big that we couldn't work past together...

Rachel: (her voice going hoarse) Yeah, what the hell did I know?

Ross: I guess as much as I did.

Rachel:(her voice cracking) I'm sorry you expected too much from me, Ross.

Ross: (tears streaming down his face) I expected too much from myself. There.... are just some things I know now... that don't seem as important.

[We see that the rest of them in Monica's bedroom are now crying.]

Ross: It's kind of funny, you know. I've feared and dreaded this moment almost every day for the past year. It's come to me in a dozen different nightmares, and yet this... scenario never occured to me. Not once did I think this was going to be it.


Rachel: Then how come it is?


[Scene: Monica's bedroom. No one has any idea what to do.]

Phoebe: They've been quiet a long time.

Joey: Maybe they killed each other?

Chandler: Let's go.

[Cut to Living Room, Rachel is sleeping on the couch, Ross is gone, the rest of them can finally come out. They all wave good bye, and start to quietly leave, as Monica puts a blanket on Rachel. Joey starts walking hunched over and bobbing his shoulders.]

Chandler: Is that your new walk?

Joey: No, I really have to pee.