TOW the Small Chihuahua

CHAN: Great! My box of holes came!

MON: What’s in the box, hon?

ROSS: Well, since Ben isn’t going to be living so close now, I figured that I needed a new soul mate. So…(He opens the box to reveal the ugliest, smallest-faced dog ever.)

CHAN: You got a miniature Bob Dole?

PHBS: Wow, is this a real Chihuahua? I thought those things only were only from Telly Tubby Land!

[Scene: Ross’ apartment, he is in the process of building a pen for the dog, which has obviously taken a lot of time and effort. The camera pans out from its collar and we see its name: Chewbacca.]

ROSS: (Proudly) There we are Chewy, check it out! Your new home!

(There is a knock at the door, and ROSS quickly places him in the pen, before getting it)

RACH: Hey you!

(ROSS opens his mouth to talk, but is stopped by RACHEL)

RACH (cont.): I really thought about what you said, and you’re right. We WERE good together, and I don’t think that this petty argument should go on any longer. I love you Ross.

(There are whoops and cheers from the audience, as they all go wild. Rachel moves into the apartment, but stops short as she sees the dog in the pen.)

RACH: Ewww. (In a whisper) Uhh, Ross, could I speak to you outside for a moment? Now?

(ROSS closes the door behind them both)

ROSS: What’s up?

RACH: Is that a (Whispering) Chihuahua?

(ROSS nods his head yes)

RACH (cont.): (Really high pitched, much the same as when she had the pigeon in the pot) Ohmygod, Ohmygod, Ohmygod. I gotta go.

(She sprints down the hall, leaving ROSS to wonder what’s going on)

(He goes back inside, to see Chewy crawling back over the wall of the pen.)

[Scene: The guys’ apartment. ROSS is sitting, puzzled, on the couch. He is spooning down low-fat ice cream. CHANDLER is there, half consoling, but half watching the TV]

ROSS: Do you really think that she could be that fickle?

CHAN: (wrapped up in the show) Yuh-huh.

ROSS: I mean, one minute be spouting off how much she loves me, then the next be running down the hall?

CHAN: (still engrossed) Yuh-huh.

ROSS: God! Maybe I should just kill myself!

CHAN: (Making a vague attempt at sounding interested) Yeah. Yuh-huh.

(ROSS stares at him sharply, and, cottoning on…)

ROSS: Hey, Chandler. Here’s a thought: What say you and I take a trip to Hong Kong, your shout.

CHAN: Yeah, why not?

(JOEY enters.)

JOEY: Hey! What’s with the ice cream?

ROSS: Just something I picked up from the girls. Rachel ran away from me earlier.

JOEY: You didn’t show her the Chihuahua, did you?

ROSS: Yeah. Uh, she saw it through the door, I guess.

JOEY: Man, those things terrify her! Yeah, ever since her first boyfriend had one that kept looking at her during sex.

(Chandler, having not moved from the lazy boy, suddenly jumps up and walks calmly to the bathroom. After about halfway, he breaks into a sprint, and barely makes it before slipping and falling.)

CHAN: (In pain) I’m OK, I’m all right!

ROSS & JOEY, in unison: He needs a girlfriend!

[Scene: The Girls’ apartment, Rachel is nervously toying with the remote. Suddenly, for no apparent reason she shivers, like Monica in TOW Chandler in a box. ROSS walks in.]

RACH (Warmly): Hey! (Then, panicking) You don’t have it with you, do you?

ROSS: Listen, Joey told me about your fear. And I think it’s cute!

RACH: You do? Oh wow!

ROSS: And, about the other stuff…

RACH: Yeah?

ROSS: I’d love to be your boyfriend, if you’ll have a Chihuahua lover.

RACH: Wow! You’d get rid of him, just for me?

(By the look on his face, ROSS wasn’t intending that to be part of the plan.)

RACH: OK. Well, you’re dumped.

[Scene: ROSS’ apartment. ROSS is watching the telly. Phoebe is playing with the dog.]

PHBS: Why don’t you like MAKE Rachel see reason. You know why, ‘cos, like, he’s the cutest.

(To the dog) You’re the cutest, yes YOU are!

ROSS: I can’t. You know. I mean. She’s the only one. I’ve put too much pressure on this relationship to make it bend to me even more. And the dog’s really quite heavy!

PHBS: All right. But he’s still the…CUTEST!

(The phone rings.)

ROSS: (picking up ) Hello?

CAROL: (In tears) Hi, Ross. It’s Carol.

ROSS: Sweetie, what’s up?

CAROL: Susan just got back from her interview. They’re-umm-They’re reviewing her post on the board.

ROSS: Oh…how come?

CAROL: They asked her her marital status, and she told them married. Then she asked them how old he was…and she told them ‘Wife and Wife’ married. And…(she breaks up)

ROSS: Oh, honey…Do you want me to come around?

CAROL: No, Susan’s here

ROSS: Of course.

CAROL: But, I just thought you should know that I guess Ben’ll be around a lot more, now. But he is kinda scared of your dog……

ROSS: Pssht! That dog…That dog was a present from a friend! Yeah, so now she’s left the country, I can take him to the pound! Listen, I’ve really gotta go. BYE!

CAROL: B…(The phone cuts out)

[Scene: The coffee house. RACHEL is pouring her heart out to GUNTHER (GUNT)

RACH: (In a squeaky voice) And I just don’t know! Oh, Gunther. What should I do?

GUNT (V/O) As he thinks: Kill him, KILL him. KILL HIM!

GUNT (Out loud) : I really can’t think of anything.

GUNT (V/O): Suitable

(ROSS enters)

GUNT (Mumbling): Kill Him!

RACH: What?

GUNT (Panicking): uh…Bill Him, you know. For the psycho-analyst.

(He disappears)

ROSS: Sitting down. I sold the Chihua……

(He stops as Rachel shivers)

ROSS (Cont.): The DOG.

RACH: Then I can be your girl!

(They smooch again. Once more, the audience goes wild. As they hug, RACHEL pulls away)

RACH: Right! Now, let’s go disinfect your apartment!

[Scene: Phoebe’s place. She’s on the phone.]

PHBS: Hello, is that the pound? Hi! I was just wondering if you have recently had a Chihuahua brought in recently?

PHBS: Oh, OK. Well. Do you have any dogs that are the CUTEST?

[Scene: Chandler & Joey’s. CHANdler is sitting, with JANice]

CHAN: There’s not really any more to say. I don’t know what it is you’re doing half the time and I’m sick of it! (He has a flash of inspiration) Oh…and I’m having an affair!

JAN: Well, actually, so am I.

CHAN: WHAT?!?!

JAN: His name’s Brian, I met him somewhere in some steak house downtown. But I don’t think he’s the one for me. YOU ARE. I forgive you, Chandel-er Bing.

CHAN: Well, I’m…I’m…

JAN: Yes?

CHAN: (One last dash for freedom) Having an affair with another man! (Triumphantly) YES!! That’s it! I’m as queer as a nine-bob note! His name’s……JULIAN!! YES!!

JAN: OH-MY-GOD!

CHAN: Sooo… byebye then!

(Before she can say any more, he pushes her out of the door, with a couple of limp wrist gestures to add to it.)

(Chandler thinks, rushes into his room for a second, and after some rummaging retrieves an old record. He whips it on their stack system. George Michael’s ‘Freedom’ echoes around the room, and he dances around the chairs in a deliberately gay manner. JOEY walks in, but Chandler just doesn’t care, so elated is he)

CHAN (singing): I won’t let you dow’ow’own. I will not give you uh’uh’up.

[Scene: The guys’ apartment. Everyone dances to George Michael, Rachel and Ross Cheek-to-cheek.

Everyone else gets bored and leaves, leaving Chandler and Ross&Rachel. As Chandler edges closer to the door with his bouncing, they close the door on him and leave him outside in the hall, still dancing, unaware.]