The One with the Secret Boyfriends

Written by: Firestorm17

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

(This is my second Friends fanfic and it picks up right where TOW The New Neighbor left off. To be fair, it's even longer than the first one. I told you I write like Rachel. M&C fans and R&R fans, enjoy this fanfic. Phoebe & Joey fans may want to hit the back button right now.)

COURTNEY COX: (V.O.) On the last episode of Friends:

[Big clip montage from the last episode. Ross saying his marriage to Emily is over. Joey literally running into Robyn, the new neighbor, in the hall. Robyn being kept awake by the noise from the apartment upstairs. Rachel saying "I do, I really do." and kissing Ross. Robyn realizing the truth about Monica and Chandler, and being "helped" out of the coffeehouse.]

[Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey, Chandler, and Robyn are there. The guys have just told Robyn the whole truth about Chandler and Monica.]

ROBYN: Let me get this straight. You're having amazingly loud sex. . .with the little sister of your best friend. . .who currently lives across the hall from you. (beat) Are you depressed in some way?

CHAN: I admit there are safer women I could date.

ROBYN: Uh-huh. I hear Lorena Bobbitt's single again. Joey, back me up on this. Wouldn't you be upset if he were dating your sister? (Amazingly awkward pause. Chandler looks at the floor in shame.) Oh, God. Tell him he didn't.

JOEY: (disregarding everything said about his sister) She's got a point, man. Remember how mad you got when Ross kissed your mom?

ROBYN: Okay, how have I not seen you on Springer?

CHAN: Look, you don't have to be thrilled about this. Just don't tell Ross!

ROBYN: Fine, fine, I won't tell him, but eventually, he's going to find out for himself. I mean, the only reason I didn't know any sooner was that I thought the two of you were up here playing "astronaut". (in response to puzzled looks) You know, exploring Uranus?

JOEY: (laughs at the word, then understands the implication) Eww!

ROBYN: My point is that you should just tell him. You're not making it any easier on yourselves by keeping it a secret. I'm sure your friends will be happy for you. (beat) By the way, Chandler, can I have your recliner when Ross kills you?

Opening theme

[Central Perk. Monica, Ross, Rachel and Phoebe are drinking coffee. Phoebe is also reading a book. Robyn, Joey, and Chandler walk in.]

ROBYN: (pretending that nothing's going on) That was the cutest little chicken.

CHAN: (trying to change the subject) So what are you reading, Pheebs?

PHOEBE: Er, I'm taking another literature class, so I'm reading Chronicle of a Death Foretold. {My world lit class is reading this; it seriously fits this story line, jokewise.}

CHAN: Sounds interesting. Is it any good?

PHOEBE: It's great. I've just gotten to the part where the two guys find out that their best friend slept with their sister (Chandler turns pale) so they take these big knives and cut off his-

ROBYN: (cutting off this train of thought) Wait a second, I think I read that book. Weren't the two guys just mad because their sister and their friend were getting married to other people at the time? I mean, they probably would have been fine with it if their friend and their sister were marrying each oth- (realizes that Chandler is hyperventilating) -er. I'll shut up now.

[Long awkward silence.]

RACH: So, (short pause to find an excuse) did you notice the dishes are just piling up in the sink?

MON: (almost panicking) They are?

RACH: No, no, don't worry about it. I'll take care of them.

ROSS: And I will help you. (Ross and Rachel leave and start giggling right after they're through the door.)

CHAN: That was strange.

MON: Does anyone want more coffee? (Everyone answers in the affirmative. She gets up to get some coffee.)

CHAN: Would you like some help there, Mon? (gets up and goes over without waiting for an answer, quietly to Monica) Monica, we kind of have a problem. You know Robyn? (Monica nods.) She knows.

MON: (way too loud) She what?

CHAN: (tries to get her to talk more quietly) She knows about us.

MON: Oh, my God. How?

CHAN: I don't know. Maybe it's the way we look at each other. Maybe it's women's intuition. Personally, I think it's because her bedroom is right below mine.

MON: Oh, no. You mean she heard us? (getting annoyed) Why didn't you tell me all this earlier?

CHAN: Funny story, up until about half an hour ago, she thought I was with (unintelligible).

MON: With who?

CHAN: She thought I was with Joey. Apparently, I still have a "quality." Anyway, she promised she wouldn't tell your brother-

MON: Wait a minute. What if she tells Rachel and Phoebe, and they tell Ross?

CHAN: You know, I did not think of that. Robyn, could you give us a hand over here? (Robyn looks very puzzled, but comes over anyway.)

MON: (very nervously, to Robyn) Hi. I know I don't know you very well, and you know me a little too well-

CHAN: Mon, Mon, calm down. (to Robyn) You haven't, by any chance, . . .told Rachel and Phoebe about us, have you?

ROBYN: (a lot like Gunther in TOW The Morning After) Was I not supposed to? (Chandler and Monica are completely shocked. Then, Robyn laughs.) Man, you two are easy. Of course I didn't tell them.

MON: Good, then don't- Just don't, okay?

ROBYN: All right, all right, I won't tell anybody. I just think- (suddenly realizes that Monica and Chandler are no longer there.) Sheesh, what's with them?


[Central Perk. Fifteen minutes after Chandler and Monica left. Phoebe is in the middle of a set, playing "Crazy Underwear." Joey and Robyn are trying very hard to pretend that nothing is going on.]

JOEY: So. . .

ROBYN: So. . .

JOEY: Mind if I leave? I really have to-

ROBYN: Knock yourself out. (beat) Not literally.

[Joey leaves very quickly. Ross and Rachel walk back in, their hair and clothes in complete disarray.]

ROSS: (proving he can't act) Er, that was certainly a lot of dishes. (Robyn starts watching them indifferently.)

RACH: (she can't act either) Yeah, you know. I don't know how Monica can do that every day.

ROSS: I'm telling you, I have a newfound respect for my sister.

ROBYN: (disinterested) Rachel, your shirt's on inside out.

RACH: Oh! That is because (stops, completely stuck)

ROSS: Because she spilled some water on her- on her-

ROBYN: Okay, this is just sad. You can cut it out now; I can tell you're sleeping together.

RACH: (way too loud) We are not- (realizes and lowers her voice) we are not sleeping together.

ROBYN: (shrugging) I'm sure very little sleeping is going on.

ROSS: Look, there is nothing going on between us.

ROBYN: Define "nothing" any way you want.

RACH: (realizing this is getting her nowhere) All right, fine. Ross and I are back together. We finally realized that our breaking up was just a big mistake, and now that he's getting divorced, I can be with him again. (beat) But don't tell our friends anything.

ROSS: The last time we were together, they all got kind of weird about it.

ROBYN: Your secret's safe with me. (gets up to get more coffee from Gunther, under her breath) Holy guacamole, what have I moved into, Melrose Place?

GUN: What do you mean?

ROBYN: (conflicted) Actually, I'm not supposed to- Oh, what the hell? I suppose I can tell you. You promise not to tell anyone? (Gunther nods.) You see that guy over there with the hair gel?

GUN: (looks) Yeah, why? (way too enthusiastic) Does he have anything terminal?

ROBYN: No, nothing like that. He's just dating that girl over there.

GUN: (looks where Robyn is looking. sees Rachel. in a very tortured tone.) Excuse me. (walks with total dignity into "Employees Only" area offstage, screams) Nooo!

ROBYN: What's his problem? (realizes suddenly) Melrose Place was never like this.


[Monica and Rachel's apartment. About 2 p.m.. Monica and Rachel are the only one ones there.]

MON: You know, Rach, I kind of have a hot date tonight, so could you not be here?

RACH: Monica, give it up. I haven't seen you with a guy in months. Besides, it just so happens I have a date tonight.

MON: Really, who with?

RACH: It's . . . a secret.

MON: Let me guess. Is it Ben? Or Jerry?

RACH: Ha, ha, very funny. Who's your date with?

MON: That's . . .none of your business. But I still call the apartment.

RACH: (whines) But I need it.

MON: Hold on, I've got an idea. Whoever gets back here first gets the apartment, and she'll put a coat hanger on the door to remind the other one to find somewhere else to be.

RACH: You know, that's a great idea.

MON: I know!

[Central Perk. 3:00 p.m.. The customers are tactfully trying to ignore the fact that the manager is on the couch, curled into the fetal position and sobbing. Phoebe finishes her set with "Sticky Shoes" and goes over to talk to him.]

PHOEBE: Gunther, are you okay? (Gunther doesn't stop crying.) Hey, you got something there. (tries to cleanse his aura)

GUN: (stopping her) No, no, you don't have to do that.

PHOEBE: Then tell me what's wrong. It'll help.

GUN: I don't know . . .Oh, all right. There's this girl who I really like, and I was thinking I finally have a chance. Then, I heard she's getting back together with her old boyfriend, and- (bursts into tears.)

PHOEBE: Gunther, don't cry. There are other women out there. You'll find someone else.

GUN: (trying not to cry) You really mean it?

PHOEBE: Oh, absolutely! Take my friend Ross-

GUN: (starts crying again, this time on Phoebe's shoulder)

PHOEBE: No, Gunther, don't cry. (hugs him) Don't cry. (kisses him on the cheek Phoebe and Gunther look at each other for a moment, and then start kissing for real.)

GUN: (breaking off the kiss) You do know I don't have a cold, right?

[Phoebe kisses him again and it lasts. After a few moments, Robyn walks in.]

ROBYN: Hey, Gunther, you seen my cell phone any- (sees Gunther and Phoebe. displays great acting skills.) Gunther? Gunther? Darn, he must have left. (find her cell phone and leaves, under her breath) Got to be something in the coffee. (at the door) Get a room! (Gunther and Phoebe haven't noticed a thing.)

[8:00 p.m.. Monica and Chandler's date. A restaurant with the improbable name "Ready, Set, Spaghetti". Monica and Chandler are waiting for a table.]

MON: (impatiently) What is the holdup, people? (claps hands twice. Chandler is looking like he'd like to sink into the floor.) We've been waiting here for two whole minutes, and if we don't get seated right now, we're taking our business elsewhere!

CHAN: Mon, come on. What's the rush?

MON: (not that convincingly) Nothing. There's no rush.

[A waiter (WAIT), obviously there to stop Monica making a scene, arrives.]

WAIT: Welcome to "Ready, Set, Spaghetti". I'm-

MON: Yeah, sure, whatever. You going to seat us or not?

WAIT: (so not looking forward to this) Right this way, signora. (leads them into the restaurant)

[Cut to Monica and Chandler sitting at a table. Monica is still acting impatient. The waiter is trying to take their order.]

WAIT: Our specials tonight are-

MON: You know what, forget that. What can we get really quickly?

WAIT: There is our Ready Spaghetti, (amazingly European fingertip kiss) served piping hot with-

MON: Sounds good. We'll both have that.

CHAN: Well, actually, Mon-

MON: Shut up! (beat) . . , honey.

WAIT: (fake smiling) Right away, signora. (leaves, meets another waiter at the door to the kitchen) Hey, Tony? Ten bucks says that guy (points a thumb in the general direction of Chandler) is paid for.


[Monica and Chandler's date. Their spaghetti has come. Monica is eating hers way too fast to be healthy.]

CHAN: Monica, take it easy. You're going to choke.

MON: (mouth full) So?

CHAN: Look, I'm not stupid. I've noticed how you've been rushing us through dinner-

MON: (mouth still full) No, I'm not.

CHAN: (taking her hands) Yes, you are. Is it me, Mon? Are you ashamed to be seen with me?

MON: What? (swallows) No! Of course not! I just thought that the sooner we get out of here, the sooner we can go back to my place and (whispers something very involved into Chandler's ear.)

CHAN: (listens for a while, and then his eyebrows just shoot up.) Check, please!

[Cut to Monica and Chandler running out of the restaurant.]

CHAN: (O.C.) Taxi!

[The camera pulls back to show the second waiter, Tony, counting ten dollars into their waiter's hand.]

[Cut to the hallway. Monica and Chandler are standing in the hallway while Monica gets out her keys.]

MON: The one time that door is locked- (The door swings open to reveal Ross and Rachel on the sofa, trying to look as if they were watching TV. Monica fake-smiles) Rachel, what are you doing here? Where's your date?

RACH: He- he was here, but then Ross went and scared him away.

MON: Ross! What is wrong with- (notices something) Are you wearing lipstick?

ROSS: (defensive) I have chapped lips, okay?

RACH: (trying to get off that subject) So, Monica, where's your date?

MON: (panics) He- he stood me up! Yeah, he stood me up, and I didn't want the reservation to go to waste. So, so, I called Chandler. Because he's my friend! And I had a quiet dinner. With a friend! (awkward silence)

CHAN: Well, I am going back to my apartment now. (leaves quickly, then leans back in the door.) Monica, I'm reorganizing my closet, so would you mind-

MON: (grateful for the excuse) Would I ever! (leaves)


[Chandler's room. Chandler and Monica are talking while they're getting dressed.]

CHAN: Monica, aren't you getting tired of sneaking around all the time? I mean, we have to hide from our closest friends.

MON: You're right. Maybe we should just tell them. (beat) But what about Ross?

CHAN: Ross is my friend. I'm sure he'll react in a perfectly reasonable- (sees her look) I could always pretend to move to Yemen again.
[Monica and Rachel's living room. Ross and Rachel are kissing on the sofa.]

RACH: (stopping the kiss) Ross, about keeping our relationship a secret?

ROSS: Honey, I am fine with that.

RACH: I was thinking maybe we should just tell everyone.

ROSS: Thank God. So, what made you change your mind?

RACH: I just felt so bad lying to my best friend. (beat) Plus, I'm running out of good excuses.

ROSS: So, when are we going to tell them?

RACH: How about tomorrow?

ROSS: (nodding) Tomorrow.

[The scene switches to Monica and Chandler's conversation.]

MON: (nodding) Tomorrow.

CHAN: Tomorrow.

[Central Perk. The next morning. The usual gang except for Phoebe are sitting around drinking coffee. Robyn is getting a refill.]

ROBYN: That's a double espresso-

[Phoebe and Gunther come out of the back, their clothes all askew.]

GUN: (covering) As you can see, no animals are harmed. . .

WAITER: Would you like cream or sugar?

ROBYN: (turning green) No, I'm good. (takes her coffee and sits by Joey. Phoebe sits down with the others, too)

MON: (stands up) Okay, everyone. I have an announcement to make.

RACH: Actually, (stands up) I have one, too.

MON: Then, why don't you go first?

RACH: No, you go.

MON: No, I insist-

CHAN: (cracking from the pressure) I'm sleeping with Monica! (Everyone stares at him. Chandler decides to be afraid, in fact to be very afraid.) Was that (voice breaks) out loud?

ROBYN: Oh, yeah.

ROSS: Mon? Is this true?

MON: Yes, it's true.

CHAN: Ross, I know you're going to hate me no matter what I say, but I'm really falling in love with her. (Ross is staring into space.)

RACH: Personally, I think this is great. You two are together; Ross and I are together. (collective gasp)

ROSS: (in shock) My best friend and my sister.

MON: My best friend . . .and my brother.

BOTH: I am so happy for you! (They hug. Then, Ross hugs Rachel, and Monica hugs Chandler.)

PHOEBE: Oh, I knew they were lobsters!

JOEY: (to a very confused Robyn) I'll tell you later.


[Teaser: A little while later. Robyn is sitting on the big couch by herself, when a very cute guy (I'm thinking Stephen Baldwin.) walks up.)

GUY: You mind if I sit here?

ROBYN: (spacing out) Yeah, sure.

GUY: By the way, I'm Walter.

ROBYN: (still distracted) Robyn.

ROBYN: (remembering, V.O.) Got to be something in the coffee.

ROBYN: (comes back to reality) Can we get a couple of cappuccinos over here?