Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are present)
Chandler: Has anyone seen or heard from Joey?
Monica: Nope.
Phoebe: I still cant believe hes getting married.
Monica: I figured you be the next one to get married Phoebe.
Phoebe: You did? I dont even have a steady boyfriend.
Monica: Youve done stranger things than that.
Phoebe: Like what?
Chandler: How bout marrying a gay ice dancer?
Monica: Or moving in with Gary after four weeks of dating him?
Phoebe: So?
Monica: So I figured a cute guy would walk in here one day and a week later youd be getting married.
Chandler: Sounds plausible to me.
(A cute guy enters)
Monica: Phoebe?
Phoebe: Shut up. Theres my future husband. (Phoebe gets up and goes to talk to him)
Monica: (to Chandler) I call maid of honor.
Chandler: Dont worry, I wasnt about to call it.
Monica: Id figure Id be safe, your father wears dresses after all.
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before Phoebe returns)
Monica: Well?
Phoebe: Lets just say that he plays for the other team.
Chandler: Thats never stopped you before.
Monica: Yeah Pheebs, you almost converted Duncan.
Phoebe: One conversion in a lifetime is all Im good for.
Chandler: When do Ross and Rachel get back from Jamaica?
Phoebe: Do we really care?
Monica: Phoebe, theyre friends, dont talk about them that way.
Phoebe: Im sorry. I just cant believe that I spent all that money on their stupid wedding and they didnt thank me.
Chandler: Ah Pheebs, they did thank you. You dont remember? They gave you special thanks right before they left the reception.
Phoebe: Was that before or after I passed out?
Monica: Before.
Phoebe: Then its still their fault that I dont remember.
(Joey and Courteney enter)
Joey: Hey, whats up?
Chandler: Where have you been?
Joey: Having sex with your mother. Where else would I be?
Phoebe: Where was Courteney?
Joey: She was there too. She was manning the video camera.
Monica: Sounds exciting. Can I come next time?
Chandler: (upset) Stop talking about my mother that way!
Courteney: Were just kidding boss, Joey and I were picking out wedding rings. Do you want some coffee Joey?
Joey: Yeah. But make it a latte.
(Courteney goes to get the coffee)
Monica: So Joe, taking the big step to the ultimate commitment. Im so proud of you.
Joey: (to Chandler) What the hell is she talking about?
Chandler: Marriage.
Joey: Yeah about that, is there like a rescission period for something like that?
Monica: What?
Phoebe: (to Monica) He wants to know if he can still back out.
Monica: I got that. Joey, you dont want to marry Courteney?
Joey: I dunno.
Chandler: Then why did you ask her?
Joey: Caught up in the moment?
Chandler: Dude, youve done some stupid stuff, but this one tops the cake. You cant back out now, Courteneyll be crushed.
Monica: Hes right Joey, youre relationship with Courteney will be over. Do you really want that?
Chandler: Oh my God, she said I was right. Did anybody get that on tape? (Monica glares at Chandler)
Joey: I really like her, I just dont think Im ready for marriage.
Chandler: And I was? (Monica glares at Chandler again) What are you looking at? I followed through didnt I?
Phoebe: Were gonna have to talk about this later. Here comes Courteney.
Courteney: Here you go honey.
Joey: Thanks Court.
Courteney: Did Brad and Jennifer leave?
Monica: They left this morning. They stopped by and said goodbye and said they knocked on Joeys door but no one answered.
Courteney: We must have been in the shower.
Chandler: Both of you?
Joey: Dont worry, we didnt leave your mother out. She was there too.
MONTEEGO BAY, JAMAICA (Ross and Rachel are lounging by the pool)
Ross: Can we go back to the room now?
Rachel: No.
Ross: But I wanna show you something.
Rachel: If its what I think it is, I have seen it four times already today.
Ross: But its our honeymoon. Thats what is expected.
Rachel: Look, I can barely walk as it is. If you want to have sex again on our honeymoon, you have to let my soreness go away.
(It starts to rain heavily. Ross and Rachel get up from their seats and head for cover)
Ross: You know, I checked the weather in Aruba this morning and you know what it said?
Rachel: I dont care.
Ross: Well Im gonna tell you anyway. It was going to be sunny, 90 degrees with a wind out of the south.
Rachel: Youre a geek.
Ross: I told you we shouldve gone to Aruba.
Rachel: If you say that one more time, Im gonna buy you a one-way ticket to Aruba.
Ross: I betcha it wont rain in Aruba this week, unlike Jamaica where its rained everyday that weve been here.
Rachel: How would you know? This is the first day weve left the hotel room.
Ross: I looked out the window during intermission.
Rachel: You looked out the window? You told me you were ordering room service.
Ross: I was ordering room service, while I looked out the window.
Hotel Manager: (On PA) Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to advise you that the Weather Service has posted a hurricane watch for the island for the next three days. It appears that we will be on the southern end of the storm, but there is a possibility that the island could be hit head on by Hurricane Emily.
Rachel: I knew that bitch would get her revenge somehow.
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: They named the hurricane Emily. You know, youre ex-wife who tried to ruin our wedding. It figures that the hurricane would be named after her.
Ross: They couldve just as well named it Hurricane Gunther. Anyway, we wouldnt be having this discussion if we had gone to Aruba.
Rachel: Thats it. Consider the tunnel of love closed. (Rachel walks away)
Ross: (chasing after Rachel) What did I do? (Rachel just looks at Ross) Come on, I was only kidding, re-open the tunnel of love. Rach? Rachel? I love you! (looks at the other guests) We just got married.
Male Guest: Get used to it, its all down hill from here.
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Monica and Joey are present)
Monica: Joey, you cant back out now. Be strong. Follow through. Getting married to Chandler is the best thing I ever did.
Joey: You obviously havent heard Chandlers side of the story. (Monica gives him a miffed look) That was probably something I should have kept between Chandler and I. Anyway, look, I really do love Courteney, but Im just not ready for marriage. Its too big of a step too soon. I should have never opened my mouth. Its just that we were at the wedding and I saw how happy Ross and Rachel were and it just slipped.
Monica: Joey, Chandler wasnt ready for marriage either. Apparently hes not ready yet despite the fact that he is already married. But come on, its the next step in your relationship. You either step up to the plate and hit the homerun or strikeout.
Joey: Ok, you had me until you started talking about baseball.
Monica: Im just trying to tell you not to be afraid. You can do this. Dont throw your relationship with Courteney away because youre afraid to fail.
Joey: Monica, I just cant do it. Long-term relationships and me dont go together. Its like peanut butter and jelly, the two just dont mix.
Monica: Ah Joey, peanut butter and jelly do mix. Thats why they call a P&J sandwich.
Joey: Is that what that stands for?
Monica: Ok, just promise me you wont do anything about this until you think everything through.
Joey: Think what through?
Monica: Whether or not you wanna marry Courteney.
Joey: Right. I knew that. Sorry, all this talk about baseball and sandwiches has me hungry again.
CHANDLERS WORK (Chandler is working in his office, he calls Courteney on the intercom)
Chandler: Courteney could I see you for a minute?
Courteney: Ill be right there.
(Courteney enters)
Chandler: Take a seat.
Courteney: Why are you being so serious?
Chandler: Because Ive got some bad news.
Courteney: What is it?
Chandler: Did you finish those reports I asked you for?
Courteney: No, Im still working on them. Why?
Chandler: They were due on my desk two days ago. What have you been doing?
Courteney: (weakly) Looking at wedding dresses on-line.
Chandler: Well thanks to you I just got my head handed to me on a silver platter by my boss. Thankfully, crap rolls down hill.
Courteney: What are you saying?
Chandler: I have to fire you.
Courteney: What?!
Chandler: I needed those reports for a meeting with upper management and I made a total fool out myself in the meeting this morning. You missed another deadline and I cant cover for your mistakes anymore. I have to let you go. Your last day is Friday, Im sorry but I dont have any other options.
Courteney: Youre firing me?
Chandler: Yes. Look I dont like this either, but someone has to take the fall.
Courteney: Why didnt you tell me how important those reports were? I wouldve done them right away.
Chandler: I did tell you that they were important and I also told you that I needed them two days ago.
Courteney: But you didnt ask for them yesterday.
Chandler: It doesnt matter. Its over.
Courteney: And I lose my job, thanks a lot. I thought you cared about me and thought of me as a friend.
Chandler: I do care and I think of you as a friend. But this is business and when things dont get done, somebody usually pays with their job.
Courteney: Well thanks a lot. Im going home, unless of course youre gonna fire me for that. See you around.
CENTRAL PERK (Phoebe, Joey and Courteney are present)
Joey: He fired you? Im gonna kick his ass!
Courteney: Dont get involved Joey, its my problem.
Phoebe: Then Ill kick his ass!
Courteney: Come on guys just drop it. I made my bed and Ill sleep in it.
Joey: Ah, you didnt make the bed this morning.
Courteney: I know.
Joey: Then why did you say you did?
Phoebe: Its a metaphor Joey, a metaphor.
Joey: A what?
Phoebe: Never mind.
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey.
Joey: Youve got some nerve showing your face around here.
Chandler: Stay out of it Joey, you dont know the whole story.
Phoebe: What is the full story Chandler?
Chandler: I cant you tell you Phoebe, its between Courteney and I. What happens at work stays at work.
Courteney: Well Ive gotta go. Ill see you guys later.
Joey: Where are you going?
Courteney: Wherever Chandler isnt.
Joey: (to Chandler) Way to go man. Way to go.
(Joey and Courteney leave)
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Go ahead, let me have it.
Phoebe: Whyd you fire her?
Chandler: My boss made me do it.
Phoebe: Isnt it convenient when we can blame someone else.
Chandler: Its not that easy Phoebe, I was in really hot water. It was either me or her and it wasnt my fault that she didnt finish those reports that I asked her to.
Phoebe: You didnt fight for her job?
Chandler: What da ya mean?
Phoebe: Geez, youre as dumb as Joey. Did you try and save her job? Did you ask your boss to give her one more chance?
Chandler: What do you think?
Phoebe: I dont think you did. I think you caved to his demands. You rolled over like a dog. (Pause) Well?
Chandler: Ok, so I acted like a dog. But you wouldve done the same thing if you were in my shoes.
Phoebe: Remind me never to count on you if were in a perilous situation.
Chandler: So you are saying I should volunteered myself to get fired?
Phoebe: No, Im saying you shouldve fought for Courteney. Shes been through a lot in the past few months and shes been a good support for you at work. According to Courteney, your employees actually like you now.
Chandler: Ill be back.
Phoebe: Where are you going?
Chandler: I just have something to do. If you see Monica, tell her Ill be home late.
(Chandler leaves)
Phoebe: I should get a job, I really miss getting fired.
CHANDLERS WORK (Chandler enters his boss office)
Bill: Chandler, burning the midnight oil?
Chandler: No sir, I need to talk to you about something.
Bill: Can it wait until tomorrow?
Chandler: Ok. Ill see you in the morning.
Bill: Oh, by the way, did you fire Ms. Cox?
Chandler: Thats what I wanted to talk to you about.
Bill: You didnt fire her?
Chandler: No, I did.
Bill: Good. For a minute there I thought youd be stupid enough not to follow my orders.
Chandler: About that sir, I think we made a mistake. I dont think we should have fired Courteney.
Bill: Whos Courteney?
Chandler: Im sorry, I dont think we should have fired Ms. Cox. Look sir, Ms. Cox is a fine employee who made a mistake. We should give her another chance.
Bill: I wish I could do that, but in my division, youre not allowed to screw up as bad as she did.
Chandler: Ok. But look, it was partially my fault that she didnt get those reports finished. I didnt supervise her well enough.
Bill: So are you saying I should fire you?
Chandler: Well ..
Bill: Well?
Chandler: Yes, if you have to fire someone, fire me.
(long pause)
Bill: Give Ms. Cox her job back tomorrow morning.
Chandler: What about my job?
Bill: Dont worry, Im not gonna fire you. It takes a lot for an employee to share the blame. That doesnt happen a lot around here. Actually, this corporation is full of a bunch of ass kissers who would jump off a building if I told them to do it. We need to keep supervisors who are willing to share the blame and risk losing their jobs over it. Now Im going home to my wife who should be dressed in a scantily clad negligee by now, unless of course you want to continue wasting my time.
Chandler: No sir. Ill see you tomorrow. (Chandler turns to leave)
Bill: Chandler?
Chandler: Yeah sir?
Bill: If you screw up again, Ill have your ass.
Chandler: Right sir. Goodnight.
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Joey and Courteney are present)
Joey: How you doin?
Courteney: Im alright. I just dont know what Im gonna do.
Joey: You could be my personal assistant. What da ya think?
Courteney: It wouldnt be good for our relationship.
Joey: How about my personal sex slave?
Courteney: (laughing) You mean you have other sex slaves besides me?
Joey: Only Chandlers mom. Can I ask you something?
Courteney: Sure. What?
Joey: Do you promise not to get upset?
Courteney: As long as you dont tell me that you dont wanna marry me anymore.
Joey: Oh. Forget about it.
Courteney: Oh my God! You dont wanna marry me anymore do you?
Joey: Sure I do!
Courteney: Joey, tell me the truth. Do you still want to marry me?
Joey: I dont know. I feel really confused. Do you wanna marry me?
Courteney: Yes I do. But I wont if youre not 100% convinced that you wanna marry me. Well?
Joey: Can we sleep on it?
Courteney: No, we cant.
MONTEEGO BAY, JAMAICA (Ross and Rachel are lying in bed its still raining)
Ross: Are you still not talking to me? (Rachel doesnt answer him) Look, Im sorry I made the crack about the rain. Hey Ive got an idea, lets go swimming.
Rachel: Theres a hurricane lurking outside and you want to go swimming? Are you insane?
Ross: Insanely in love.
Rachel: Can we go skinny dipping?
Ross: Probably, I bet well have to pool to ourselves.
Rachel: Lets go.
(Ross and Rachel rush out of the hotel room)
THE POOL (Ross and Rachel are swimming and playing with each other in the middle of a hurricane)
Ross: (shouting) Isnt this fun?!
Rachel: (shouting) What?!
Ross: Isnt this fun?!
Rachel: This is absolutely crazy!
Ross: I told you Emily would never bring us down!
Rachel: I love you!
Ross: This sure beats Aruba!
JOEY & COURTENEYS APARTMENT (Continued from before)
Joey: Do you wanna get a pizza?
Courteney: No, I want you to answer my question.
Joey: Yeah ok. What was it again?
Courteney: Forget it Joey. Im leaving.
Joey: Courteney dont go!
Courteney: What?
Joey: I love you.
Courteney: At this point Joey, thats not enough anymore.
Joey: And I want to marry you.
Courteney: Are you sure?
Joey: Are you sure that the three blind mice were really blind?
Courteney: Huh?
Joey: That not a metaphor? Forget about it. I wanna marry you. Youre the one for me.
(Courteney rushes into Joeys arms as Chandler enters)
Courteney: You are gonna get so lucky tonight!
Joey: (to Chandler) What are you doing here?
Chandler: I came to talk to Courteney.
Courteney: Well this isnt the best time. Well see you later.
Chandler: Fine. Just make sure I see you at work tomorrow at 8:30 am.
Courteney: Why would I be at work early when youve already fired me?
Chandler: Because I went to Bill and got you your job back if you want it.
Courteney: Well thats nice, but I dont need your charity.
Chandler: Ok. But if you do want it back, Ill see you tomorrow. (Chandler goes to leave)
Courteney: Wait a minute. Youre serious? You got me my job back? How?
Chandler: I told Bill that if was partially my fault and that if he had to fire someone, it had to be me.
Courteney: You really did that?
Joey: I think so.
Courteney: Shut up Joey!
Joey: Here we go again with people telling me to shut up.
Courteney: I cant believe this. You fell on a sword for me?
Chandler: Yeah, it was the least I could do. You just reminded me that its my job to protect my employees if I can. So Ill see you tomorrow?
Courteney: Yes, Ill see you tomorrow. (Courteney gives Chandler a hug)
Joey: Sorry to interrupt, but ah Chandler, where did you get stabbed and shouldnt you be at the emergency room?
Closing Credits
CHANDLER & MONICAS APARTMENT (Monica and Chandler are in bed)
Monica: Let me get this straight. First you fired Courteney, and then you got her job back?
Chandler: Yeah, am I great or what?
Monica: Youre an idiot. Why didnt you just take the fall the first time?
Chandler: Ok, so Im not great. I was scared. How would I supply clothing and shelter for our baby?
Monica: (shocked) You know? I mean what baby?
Chandler: Mon, I found the test this morning.
Monica: And youre not freaked?
Chandler: Totally freaked. But totally happy.
Monica: We cant tell anyone for a few weeks ok.
Chandler: Tell them about what?
Monica: The baby.
Chandler: What baby?
Monica: Right. What baby?
Chandler: Congratulations.
Monica: I love you.
Chandler: If its a boy, can we name him Bada?
Monica: Bada?
Chandler: You know, Bada Bing.
End