The One With the Rusty Toy

By: Sarah-Jean and Neesha

Okay, here's number two.  It's still copyrighted to our club Coge. Once again, we didn't invent the characters yada yada yada. We still love to get email's. So again email us at rati_and_mnm_coge@hotmail.c= om

[Setting: JOEY/CHAN’s apartment. JOEY and CHAN are playing with their tops from PHOE. PHOE is organising her toys in the box, and MNCA is sitting next to CHAN. Toys are all over the floor.]

JOEY: My top is all rusty already!

MNCA: That’s what happens when you take into the shower with you, Joey.

CHAN: Well, mine’s rusted too, and I only took my *yo-yo* into the shower.

JOEY: I want my money back!

PHOE: Sorry guys, didn’t you read the fine print on the contract?

MNCA: *Contract*!!! What contract?

PHOE: Well, a stack of them came in the box with the toys. I’m supposed to have the customer sign one before I sell them anything.

MNCA: I can’t believe what I’m hearing. So, Chandler, when am I going to hear the verdict on . . . you know.

CHAN: I don’t know. [He tries to spin his top, but a rusty edge cuts his hand.] Ouch!!!

MNCA: Are you okay?


MNCA: Here, let me fix that up for you. Then we have to go to the hospital.

CHAN: Hospital?!

MNCA: Yes. If you get cut by something rusty, you have to get a tetanus shot, Chandler.

CHAN: No!!!

Opening Credits

[Setting: RACH/MNCA’s apartment. RACH is sitting on the windowseat, like in TOW List]

RACH: I can’t believe it, why did Ross ask me that, and then less than half an hour later, Monica asked Chandler the same thing? It’s almost like they planned it. [Pause.] Oh, God, what am I gonna do? I so wanted to say yes to Ross, but it just didn’t seem right. We aren’t even dating and Ross hasn’t even been divorced for a year yet. What am I supposed to do, why do I have to feel like this? I did the right thing saying no, right? I mean, I shouldn’t have said yes, it would have been wrong. But when he touched me, ohhh, I felt like saying yes. Wasn’t I just telling Pheebs before that Ross was the kind of boyfriend I was looking for? Oh, oh, oh, how did things get so screwed up. [RACH stands up and walks over to the stereo.] Music, that should calm me down.

RADIO: Okay. The next one is off of the new movie, "Never Been Kissed." It’s been dedicated to Sarah from John. Jamie, whom I was reassured is female, this song is also for you. Ohh, and for all you romantics out there, it’s to Rachel from Ross with a little note that the offer is still open and he hopes you’ll say yes. [Song plays. RACH has a surprised look on her face.]

RACH: Okay, now this is spooky. Maybe God is telling me to marry Ross. Oh, I’m so mixed up . . . Nooo! Now I’m sounding like Phoebe.

[Setting: in a doctor’s office. CHAN is sitting on the little bed, MNCA is sitting in a nearby chair. There is no doctor yet.]

CHAN: [crying] Monica!!! I don’t wanna get a needle!

MNCA: Oh, come on, Chandler, be a man! For once in your life!

CHAN: I don’t wanna get a needle! I’m not a stupid woman. Stupid women like getting needles.

MNCA: I don’t *like* getting needles, but if I *need* them, I *get* them!

[The doctor (also a beautiful woman whom we will call DOC) enters the room with a syringe and clipboard. She is obviously attracted to CHAN]

DOC: Good morning, [looks at her clipboard] Chandler. [Eyes Monica.] *Who* are *you*?

[MNCA puts her arm around CHAN.]

MNCA: His fiancee! [Hissing] Back off, hussy!

[CHAN’s whole perspective of the needle has changed. He shoves MNCA away.]

CHAN: We’re not engaged yet, Monica! Let the nice lady do her work!

[DOC glares at MNCA and looks back to CHAN.]

DOC: It’s okay, Chand-wer. I heard da whole conversation previous to my appearance. I’ll keep you safe from da widdle baby shot. [She walks to CHAN and jumps on to his lap.] As long as you protect me from your . . . fiancee.

CHAN: What fiancee?

[Setting: MNCA/RACH’s apartment. RACH is still listening to the radio when ROSS walks in. "One Week" starts playing.]

ROSS: Rachel, I need to talk to you. It’s important.

RACH: I don’t feel like talking, especially with you. I’m too mixed up... Why, Ross? Why did you ask me?

ROSS: Because I wanted to.

RACH: That’s not a good enough reason!

ROSS: How ‘bout because I love you, because I’ve wanted you as my wife since ninth grade, because I want to spend the rest of my life with you? [muttering] And since Monica convinced me to.

RACH: What was that last thing you said?

ROSS: I said because Monica convinced me to and she said you’d say yes.

RACH: Oh, my God! The two of you both had it planned so each of you would propose to someone? Oh my God, oh my God. [ROSS walks over to RACH and puts his hands on her shoulders.]

ROSS: Rach, please, I really meant it. I never realized how much I wanted to ask you until I did. [ROSS kisses RACH, RACH pulls away.]

RACH: No Ross, you can’t do this to me. Not now and maybe not ever . . . [a weird look crosses her face as she realizes what she just said.] Wait a minute. [She walks over to kiss ROSS. Scene fades to black.]

[Setting: Central Perk, MNCA and ROSS are there talking.]

MNCA: So, Ross, did you ask her?

ROSS: [depressed] Yeah.

MNCA: So what happened? I want to hear all the details, everything!

ROSS: I don’t know . . . she never really answered.

MNCA: You asked her, though, right?

ROSS: I think so! It’s all fuzzy.


ROSS: Has Chandler given you an answer yet?

[MNCA’s eyes fill with tears.]

MNCA: No. I don’t think it’s going to be *positive* either. When I took him to the hospital today to get a tetanus shot, the doctor was all over him. He actually let her sit on his *lap*. It was disgusting and demeaning. I eventually just left. [She is still crying. They get up to leave, then CHAN walks in.]

CHAN: Why all the waterworks, Mon?

[MNCA starts sobbing.]

MNCA: Th-th-that doctor . . . how could you do this?

CHAN: Do what?

MNCA: Just . . . let that doctor hang all over you. And saying I’m not your -[starts sobbing even harder, Ross gives her a hug, she cries into his shoulder]- fiancee!

CHAN: Oh, that. Um, sorry. Well, I guess I’d better get going-

ROSS: Get back here! [ROSS puts MNCA into CHAN’s arms so she’s crying into his shoulder and walks out. CHAN’s face is very upset/apologetic.

[Setting: MNCA/RACH’s apartment, MNCA is making dinner. The table is set for two, with a tablecloth and a lit candle. ROSS comes in.]

ROSS: Oops, sorry! Something special, right?

MNCA: An attempt, anyway.

ROSS: So . . . what happened after I . . . left you in Central Perk with Chandler?

MNCA: He apologized, of course, but I don’t know if he really means it. Now I’m afraid that if he accepts my proposal he’ll only be doing it to make up for what he did.

ROSS: Come on, Mon, give him a chance. You *know* that what he did is a
normal action for him.

MNCA: I know. That’s the problem - do I really want to be married to someone like that?

[Silence. JOEY walks in.]

JOEY: Yummy, yum, yum!

MNCA: Hands off!

JOEY: Excuse me! I just came to say that I’ve got one of those hot, infamous dates tonight.

MNCA: How are you going to pay for that?

JOEY: Dutch treat, of course. I won’t be eating anything.

ROSS: [sarcastically] Good plan, Joe.

[JOEY leaves just as PHOE comes in.]

PHOE: Hi, I’m selling these wonderfully cute -

MNCA: *No*, I wouldn’t like to buy some of those pathetically crappy toys, Phoebe! And I’ll have you know that I blame *you* for sending Chandler into the jaws of that man-eating doctor!

[PHOE looks at ROSS for an explanation.]

ROSS: Don’t even ask.

MNCA: We almost broke up because of that rusty top!

PHOE: Lemme get this straight- Chandler got cut by the top and had to get a tetanus shot. The doctor there (hopefully a woman) made a pass at *your man*, and now you guys are in a bit of a tiff . . .? [MNCA nods, tears filling her eyes. At that, PHOE begins to cry too.] I’m *so* sorry, Mon. It’s all my fault. Lemme use your phone.

[CHAN comes in and sits down on the couch as PHOE picks up the phone and dials.]

PHOE (into phone): I’m *very* disappointed with your products. Your stupid top made my friends break up! How dare you? [PHOE suddenly calms down.] Oooh. Sure, I’ll order the box of love potion.

[She hangs up. CHAN gives her a funny look, then stands up and walks over to MNCA. He gets down on his knees.]

CHAN: Would you have the pleasure of joining me for dinner tonight?

MNCA: Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.

CHAN: We have a habit of asking each other the same questions.

MNCA: Well then, we  must be very agreeable people.

[CHAN stands up.]

CHAN: Then will you agree to forgive me for my unforgivable actions?

MNCA: Well, on one condition.

CHAN: Anything.

MNCA: Marry, me Chandler. If you marry me, I’ll forgive you.

[CHAN kisses MNCA while picking her up and spinning around.]

CHAN: Whoopee! I like that condition!

[PHOE is crying her eyes out.]

PHOE: I’ve never been so happy.

[CHAN carries MNCA out of the apartment, you can still hear her.]

MNCA: You guys can have the food!

PHOE: Well, gotta go pick up my love potion!

ROSS: [miserable] Save a couple of bottles for me.

[Setting: same as before, a little later, ROSS is having dinner at the table set for two. RACH walks in.]

ROSS: Hey, Rach! Wanna join me for dinner. Don’t worry, Monica made it.

RACH: [wearily] Fine! [goes and sits at the table.]

ROSS: So how was your day?

RACH: Well . . . let’s see. I was supposed to work, but the office sent me home because all I could talk and think about was you. [Shows ROSS’s face, he looks proud.] I still can’t believe you asked. Now, a year ago, I would have said yes without a moment’s pause, but now . . .

ROSS: What about now?

RACH: Ross, things have changed. People change. We aren’t even going out.

ROSS: Why is that such a *big* deal?

RACH: Oh, God, Ross. You don’t understand how hard it is to say this ... but I can’t marry you. [RACH is now crying. She gets up from the table and goes into her room. ROSS sits there stunned.]

[Setting: Same as before, except the candle is a little lower, and ROSS is looking completely miserable. In the background, "I Drive Myself Crazy" is playing.]

[Setting: Same as before, except the candle is a lot lower. MNCA and CHAN walk in.]

MNCA: It’s two a.m., Ross, what are you still doing up?

ROSS: Waiting.

CHAN: Come on, man! Don’t just wait! Tachel won’t come to you!

ROSS: I know.

CHAN: That’s *not* the point I was trying to make. Just go for it, man!

ROSS: I already have. And I couldn’t get it.

MNCA: Lemme talk to her.

[Setting: RACH’s room, RACH is sitting up in bed, hugging her knees. The radio is playing "Never Knew What Love Was." She is crying. MNCA walks in.]

MNCA: Hey.

RACH: Hey . . . I can’t believe you told Ross to ask me. What were you thinking, we’re not even going out!

MNCA: Come on, honey. I mean . . . [forcibly] Just stop being so damn stubborn! You know you want to marry him! And he loves you so much! You’d let his heart break?

RACH: Yeah, well he’s broken my heart more than once . . . So what’s going on with you and Chandler?

MNCA: We’re getting married - but, Rach? Can’t you let Ross mend your heart? It’s obvious he wants to. And we could have a double wedding!

[RACH doesn’t appear to have heard anything except about MNCA getting married.]

RACH: You’re getting married? That’s so great! Can I be one of the bridesmaids? And shouldn’t you tell your mom?

MNCA: [warily] Yes, I’m getting married, no, you can’t be a bridesmaid, you can be a bride instead, and yes I should tell my mom. (Even though she won’t give a damn.) [MNCA leaves. RACH is still crying. You can hear the rest of the conversation through the door.]

ROSS: How is she? Better than me, I hope.

MNCA: It’s anybody’s game at this point.

[Setting: MNCA/RACH’s apartment. MNCA’s mom (JUDY) comes in. MNCA and CHAN have their arms around each other. When MNCA sees her mom she holds out one of her arms to hug her, too.]

JUDY: I came as soon as I heard the news, honey! [She holds her arms out as if to hug MNCA, but goes to ROSS instead.]

MNCA (to CHAN): I shouldn’t have told her about Ross’s proposal to Rachel.

ROSS: Oh, mom . . . well you know how it is. [He looks up to see RACH coming out of her room. She looks awful, like she hasn’t splept at all. RACH sees JUDY, ROSS< MNCA and CHAN, then turns around and goes back into her room. MNCA is looking angrily at ROSS.]

ROSS: Anyway, (seeing MNCA) you should be congratulating Chandler and Monica. You’ll have to start planning their wedding soon.

JUDY: Oh, my sweet darling son. Always thinking of his sister. But it’s you that has my first priority, right now Ross!

[MNCA storms out followed by CHAN.]

JUDY: What’s wrong with her? [ROSS gives a weak smile.] Shouldn’t you go see?

ROSS: No, I’ll let Chandler comfort her. He does a better job . . . I’m going home now, anyway, I need to sleep and think some things over.

JUDY: Well, I’ll wait for Monica to come back. Bye.

[ROSS exits and JUDY goes and knocks on RACH’s bedroom door.]

JUDY: Rachel, can I come in? [The only answer is a muffled sob. JUDY opens the door and goes in.]

[Setting; RACH’s bedroom. RACH Is sitting on her bed like before, sobbing uncontrollably. JUDY sits beside her and gives her a hug.]

JUDY: I know how you feel honey. When I was about your age, I faced a similar problem.

RACH: Your ex-boyfriend asked you to marry him?

JUDY: Yes - Jack. Oh, wait a second. That’s not a very good example, is it? Well, what I’m trying to say is, I really like you Rachel. I always wanted a daughter like you.

RACH: What about Monica?

JUDY: It’s not quite the same thing, now is it? And you’re *perfect* for Ross! Why, you’re not even a lesbian!

RACH: What did you come in here to do? Convince me to marry Ross? Well Monica already tried . . . actually, I was thinking of looking for a news apartment. After Monica and Chandler get married, either Joey or I have to go. This is perfect timing. I was thinking lately of starting over, especially since Ross proposed. You know - get a new job, new friends. [She bursts into tears at that.]

JUDY: You don’t mean that. You’re just unsure about your feelings right now. Why don’t you and Ross go out to dinner and then dancing or a movie? I’ll even pay for it.

[RACH sniffles and JUDY hugs her again.]

Closing Credits

[Setting: ROSS and RACH are at a night club, dancing to an upbeat song. After it’s over, ROSS goes up to the front and whispers something to the singer. The singer steps away and lets ROSS have the microphone.]

ROSS: Hi, everybody! In case you haven’t heard my many songs on the radio to Rachel, well, I guess you’ll learn about our relationship now. Rach, I’ve tried so many times, now I think I’ll just start over. Forget everything I’ve ever done to hurt you, and just remember all our good times together, and for God’s sake, forget that we haven’t been dating! Okay? Is that done? Good. Now, everyone, this time I’m not going to just dedicate a piddly song to Rachel. This time, I’m proposing (again.) Rachel, will you marry me?

[Everyone bursts into applause as ROSS steps down. The band starts up again and ROSS goes back to RACH.]

RACH: [smiling] I guess I *have* to marry you now. Otherwise everyone in this place will hate me forever! [They kiss.]