Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone is present)
Ross: So honey, big day tomorrow, returning to work.
Rachel: (excited) Yeah, I can't wait! I even bought a new outfit to celebrate.
Ross: You don't have any money, whose money did you use?
Rachel: Yours. I didn't think you'd mind.
(Ross looks mad)
Rachel: Oh, come on honey, you want me to look nice on my first day back to work don’t you?
Ross: (long pause) Yes.
Phoebe: That’s so sweet. You guys act like you’re already married.
Monica: So Rach, how much did you spend?
Rachel: Not a lot, just $500.
Ross: $500!!!
Joey: Geez, I don’t spend that much on clothes in a single year.
Chandler: That’s because you don’t make that much in a single year.
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before, everyone is present but Ross)
Phoebe: Rach, will Ross be back?
Rachel: Of course he will. I only spent $100. As soon as he sees the receipt at home, he’ll calm down. I just like to drive him nuts sometimes.
Chandler: So Rach, is there any special conditions on you returning to work?
Rachel: Conditions?
Chandler: You know, like random drug testing, strip searches.
Rachel: They’re gonna strip search me?
Joey: Cool. I should get a job doing that.
Phoebe: (to Joey) You should just get a job.
Monica: They’re not gonna strip search you, but they might tell you that you have to submit to random drug testing.
Rachel: Why?
Chandler: Ah, because you tested positive for marijuana a month ago. They think you’re a reefer addict.
Monica: Chandler! Look Rach, they just want to make sure that you learned your lesson.
Rachel: Then if drug testing is what it takes to prove that I’m never doing pot again, then they can test me all they want.
Phoebe: So you won’t smoke pot with me anymore?
Monica: Phoebe! I thought you quit doing that.
Phoebe: I did, I just wanted to test her resolve.
(Ross enters)
Joey: Hey, look who’s back.
Ross: Very funny Rach.
Rachel: Like I could ever spend $500 on clothes.
(everyone looks at Rachel)
Rachel: Ok, so I could. But I didn’t. I love you sweetie.
Ross: Don’t sweetie me, you owe me a $100.
Rachel: What happened to what’s yours is mine and mine is yours?
(everyone looks at Ross)
Ross: I can’t win this argument can I?
(Chandler and Joey shake their heads no)
RALPH LAUREN (Rachel is in her office organizing her desk. Kim, her boss enters)
Kim: Welcome back Rachel.
Rachel: Hi Kim. Look, I just want to say that I learned my lesson. No more drug experimentation for me.
Kim: Oh, so you can’t come to my LSD party on Friday night?
Rachel: Excuse me?
Kim: Just kidding. Ok., here are the rules for your probation.
Rachel: Probation?
Kim: Yes. You didn’t think you could just come back here and everything would be back to normal did you?
Rachel: Actually I did.
Kim: Well, surprise! You are hereby notified that you’re on probation for the next six months. You must submit to random drug testing twice a week on Monday and on Friday. You are to notify me when you arrive at work in the morning and when you are leaving. Your new work hours are 8 am to 5 pm. You have a mandatory meeting with the company’s EAP counselor every Tuesday afternoon at 2:30 pm. And finally, you are being demoted to assistant buyer for the next six months. You have to move out of your office and into the cubicle next to my office. Any questions?
Rachel: You’re demoting me? You can’t do that. I didn’t do anything wrong.
Kim: You tested positive for marijuana.
Rachel: Besides that, I didn’t do anything to deserve to be demoted.
Kim: Rachel, you don’t have to accept the terms of your probation if you don’t want to.
Rachel: And what happens if I don’t?
Kim: It’s simple. You’re out of a job. Here (hands her a written agreement) I’ll give you until tomorrow to think about what you want to do. I hope you stick it out. You have your old job back in six months if you stick to the terms of your probation. I can guarantee you that.
(Kim leaves)
Rachel: I can’t believe this is happening to me.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Monica are arguing at the table)
Chandler: Monica, the wedding is in two weeks, you can’t tell her no now.
Monica: I don’t want Phoebe singing at the wedding, and that’s final.
Chandler: We can’t tell Phoebe no, she’ll be devastated. How about we let her sing right before the ceremony.
Monica: And what is she gonna sing, Smelly Cat?
Chandler: What does it matter? She’s one of your closest friends. She just wants to do something nice for us on are wedding day.
Monica: She could not sing.
Chandler: Fine Monica. You tell her.
Monica: Why me?
Chandler: Because you’re the only one who’s not willing to let her sing.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel enters and tosses her stuff on the couch)
Rachel: Ross, Ross, are you here?
Ross: (emerging from the bedroom) Hey, how was your first day back? Did they miss you?
Rachel: Actually, it sucked. They put me on probation for six months and demoted me.
Ross: What? They can’t demote you.
Rachel: That’s not the worst of it. I have to pee in a cup twice a week and see a counselor once a week.
Ross: Why do you have to see a counselor?
Rachel: Apparently they think I’m a reefer addict.
Ross: I told you never to smoke pot.
Rachel: Don’t start with me, I’m not in the mood. What am I gonna do?
Ross: Well, you love your job don’t you?
Rachel: Yeah. So?
Ross: So you stick to the terms of your probation and in six months everything will be back to normal.
Rachel: That’s easy for you to say, you don’t have to pee in a cup twice a week for the next six months.
Ross: Just make sure you don’t pee on your hand.
JOEY’S APARTMENT (Phoebe and Joey are hanging out)
Phoebe: Where’s Jennifer?
Joey: I don’t know.
Phoebe: What do you mean you don’t know?
Joey: Oh, I didn’t tell you.
Phoebe: Tell me what?
Joey: We broke up.
Phoebe: When?
Joey: This morning.
Phoebe: You broke up? What did you do?
Joey: I didn’t do anything.
Phoebe: Joey?
Joey: Ok. I asked her if we could have a threesome with this hot girl that I met at acting class.
Phoebe: (sarcastically) And she said no?
Joey: I know!
(Monica enters)
Monica: Hey. Ah, Pheebs, can I talk to you outside for a minute?
Phoebe: Sure.
Monica: (to Joey) What did you do to Jennifer? She left really pissed off this morning.
Phoebe: He asked her if she would participate in a threesome with him and this hot girl from his acting class.
Monica: Joey!
Joey: What? It sounded like a good idea.
Monica: For you.
(Monica and Phoebe go into the hall)
Phoebe: What’s up?
Monica: Well, you know how Chandler and I asked you to sing at our wedding?
Phoebe: Oh, is this about my fee? I accept only cash.
Monica: Good to know. Well, I’ll talk to you later, Chandler’s probably eating cookies on the couch again.
Phoebe: Hold on there missy, that’s not what you wanted to talk to me about.
Monica: (uncomfortable) Yes it was.
Phoebe: Monica, you can’t fool me. You wanted to pay by check didn’t you.
Monica: (relieved) Yeah, we did.
Phoebe: I knew it. And people say I’m not psychic.
Monica: I’ll see you later Pheebs.
Phoebe: You’d better go, Chandler just spilled his beer on the rug.
(Monica rushes into her apartment)
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler has been quickly trying to clean-up his spill and notices Monica has rushed in)
Chandler: Hey honey, how’d it go? Is she pissed?
Monica: She still thinks she’s singing at the wedding. You missed a spot by the way.
Chandler: What spot?
Monica: Just clean it up.
Chandler: Couldn’t do it could you?
Monica: I tried. I just couldn’t. Can’t you tell her?
Chandler: Ah, no.
Monica: Please.
Chandler: What and have Phoebe pissed at me for eternity? I don’t think so.
(Phoebe enters, Chandler sees her but Monica doesn’t. Chandler starts to wave his arms frantically)
Monica: This is our wedding Chandler, Phoebe’ll ruin it if she sings. Why are you waving your arms like that?
Phoebe: (loudly) If you didn’t want me to sing at your stupid wedding all you had to do was ask!!! (Phoebe rushes out of the apartment)
Monica: Oh @#$%.
Chandler: You’re not allowed to swear on a sitcom.
Monica: This isn’t a sitcom, this is life. I have to go find Phoebe. (Monica leaves)
Chandler: Oh @#$, a big can of worms is open and they’re all over the floor.
(Monica re-enters)
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: Right, I’m right behind you.
CENTRAL PERK (Ross and Rachel are present)
Rachel: So you really think I should just sign the agreement?
Ross: Yeah, I do.
Rachel: But it’s so humiliating!
Ross: Sometimes the consequences of our actions lead to humiliation.
Rachel: You have to stop hanging out with my Dad.
(Monica and Chandler enter)
Monica: Have either of you seen Phoebe?
Rachel: No, why?
Chandler: Because Monica won’t let her sing at our wedding and Phoebe found out by overhearing our conversation.
Ross: Monica! Phoebe’s one of your closest friends.
Monica: Look, I made a mistake. We all make mistakes or does “We were on a break” not ring true to you anymore!
Rachel: Mon, don’t drag us into this. This is your mess.
Monica: I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt Phoebe.
(Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe’s been crying)
Monica: Phoebe, Phoebe, please let me explain.
Joey: Ah Mon, this isn’t a good time, she kinda hates you right now.
Monica: Phoebe, I want you to sing at our wedding. Sing whatever you want. Just sing.
(Phoebe whispers something in Joey’s ear)
Joey: Ah, Phoebe wants me to tell you that she’d rather stick her guitar up her ass.
Monica: Fine, I deserve that. I’m sorry Phoebe. I love you. I’ll see you guys later. (Monica leaves, and comes right back in) Chandler!
Chandler: Me too? (Monica glares at Chandler) Bye guys.
(Phoebe and Joey sit down)
Ross: Are you alright Pheebs?
Rachel: Can we do anything?
Phoebe: Is murder still illegal?
Joey: Last time I checked.
Phoebe: Then no.
Rachel: Come here Pheebs, do you want me to talk to Monica?
Phoebe: Who’s Monica?
Ross: My sister.
Phoebe: No, she’s dead to me now.
Ross: Come on Phoebe, let us talk to Monica and Chandler. We all want you to sing at the wedding.
Phoebe: Forget, I’m not even going to the wedding. I’ll see you guys later.
(Phoebe leaves)
Joey: Monica screwed up big this time. Did you know that Phoebe’s been learning Annie’s Song for the past eight months? She was so looking forward to singing at the wedding.
Rachel: She’s been learning a song? Why didn’t she tell the rest of us?
Joey: She wanted it to be a surprise.
RALPH LAUREN (Rachel is cleaning out her office, Kim enters)
Kim: Are you leaving us?
Rachel: No, you told me I had to leave my office for six months.
Kim: Oh right.
Rachel: Here’s the agreement. I signed it. I’ll do whatever you want to prove to you that I’m not some reefer addict.
Kim: I don’t think you’re a reefer addict.
Rachel: Then why do I have to be tested for drugs twice a week?
Kim: Everyone that failed a drug test has to do the same thing, you’re not the only one.
Rachel: Fine. (long pause) I want to stay in my office.
Kim: What?
Rachel: I want to stay here. I worked hard to earn your trust and I want to stay in this office.
(a moment of long silence)
Kim: Fine. You can stay in your office.
Rachel: And I don’t want to have to pee in a cup twice a week.
Kim: Don’t push your luck.
Rachel: It was worth a shot.
(Kim goes to leave)
Rachel: Kim, thanks for everything.
Kim: Not a problem.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Monica, Chandler, Ross and Joey are present)
Ross: Face it Mon, you screwed up. You could lose Phoebe as a friend over this whole thing. Heck, she said she’s not even going to the wedding now.
Monica: Don’t you think I realize that. She’s not going to the wedding? She’s my bridesmaid.
Chandler: I guess you better find a new one.
Monica: Chandler, one more comment out of you and we’re not even getting married.
Joey: Mon, did you know that Phoebe was learning a new song to sing at your wedding. She’s spent the last eight months learning Annie’s Song, she was gonna sing it at the wedding.
Chandler: Really? That’s like my favorite song.
(Joey and Ross look at Chandler strangely)
Chandler: What? So I like John Denver.
Joey: Are you sure you’re not gay?
Monica: She was really learning that song?
Joey: Yup. She’s been going to a guitar teacher and everything.
Monica: I have to talk to Phoebe.
Ross: I don’t think that’s a good idea. You should let Rachel and I talk to Phoebe for you.
Monica: No. I screwed up and I am going to fix it.
(Monica leaves)
Chandler: I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes, Phoebe will eat her alive.
Joey: No, she’ll shoot her first, then eat her.
PHOEBE’S APARTMENT (Phoebe is sitting in the dark. There’s a knock on the door and Phoebe ignores it)
Monica: Phoebe, I know you’re in there. Please open the door and talk to me.
Phoebe: Go away, I don’t even know you.
Monica: Phoebe, please talk to me. I am so sorry.
(long period of silence. Phoebe gets up and opens the door and sits on her couch)
Phoebe: What do you want?
Monica: I want you to sing at our wedding.
Phoebe: Well I am not going to, I’ll just ruin your wedding.
Monica: That’s not true.
Phoebe: Just stop lying to me Monica. If you didn’t want me to sing at my wedding, then why did you act like it was ok for the past eight months?
Monica: I don’t know. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Phoebe: Well you totally succeeded, I feel great.
Monica: Why didn’t you tell me you were learning a new song to sing at the wedding?
Phoebe: Who told you about that?
Monica: Joey did.
Phoebe: Damn, that boy can’t keep a secret. How long have you known?
Monica: About a half hour.
Phoebe: Oh, so you want me to sing now that you found out that I tried to do something special for you and Chandler.
Monica: No, I want you to sing because you’re one of my closest friends and I would be honored if you did. I love you Phoebe, and I want you to be a part of my wedding.
(long pause)
Phoebe: Ok. I’ll do it, but my fee just went up to $10 cash.
Monica: Fine. I’ll be delighted to give you $10 cash.
Phoebe: I’m sorry I was such a bitch.
Monica: You weren’t a bitch.
Phoebe: I know, I was just trying to save your feelings.
Closing Credits
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are present)
Ross: So you signed the agreement. I’m proud of you.
Rachel: Just stop it. I know you’re gloating over this. (mimicking Ross) I told you not to use drugs.
Ross: I am not gloating. I just knew that you were finally at a place in your life where your career is good, your engaged to the greatest guy on earth and you have a great group of friends.
Rachel: Well you’re at least right about two things, I have a great job and great friends.
Ross: Aren’t you forgetting something?
Rachel: No.
Ross: Fine, the wedding’s off.
Rachel: You didn’t let me finish.
Ross: You said you didn’t forget anything.
Rachel: I am engaged to the most wonderful man in the world.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: No. I was being nice.
End