TOW the Robber

An original fanfic by: Beeper

- This script is kind of a conclusion to the 4th season finale. Before this script takes place Ross did not marry Emily and everyone but him has returned to New York while he takes care of some things. Ross and Rachel have not really gotten to talk to each other yet.

SCENE 1: Rachel &Monica’s apartment (Rachel is sitting at the table reading a magazine while Monica does the dishes)

MONICA- [exasperated] Rach, do you want to help me out here? I’ve got 2 whole days of dishes here from when I left, they’ve just been waiting here, crusting, haphazardly sitting in the sink. All jumbled and dirty when they should be clean and neatly stacked! Do you think this is the way dishes should be treated? Do you?? (pauses) Oh my God, I can’t believe this- I sound just like Mom! (She runs from room)

RACHEL- (stares after her, shakes her head)


SCENE 2- Rachel and Monica’s (all except Ross- Joey enters)

CHAN- How was acting class, happen to break any limbs?

JOEY-(looks at him confused- shakes his head, whines)I’m losing hUmmm, my voice. And just in time for my play! Do you guys know any remedies?

CHAN- Don’t talk__EVER AGAIN!

MON- Try drinking lots of water.

PHOE- Oh, Oh I know! You can hang upside-down in front of a candle, you know, naked!

JOEY- Hey, thanks a lot!

RACH- C’mon lets do something, anybody have ideas? There must be something...

(Chandler and Monica look at each other, then quickly look away both redfaced)

PHOE- I have to go home anyway, to you know, water my rocks but you guys should just get out of the house, go to a club or something.

CHAN- Does anyone have any better ideas?

JOEY-Well..(he’s cut off by Chandler)

CHAN-Does anyone besides Joey have ideas?

PHOE- Weren’t you listening earlier?

SCENE 3- Phoebe’s apartment (Phoebe walks in and sits down, a young man in tow (JOE))

PHOE- So, ahh, you really like to clean huh?

JOE- Yeah

PHOE- So, is it like your hobby? Do you gets lots of brooms and mops and stuff for gifts?

JOE- I dunno, hey lady do you have a bag or something?

PHOE- Yeah, just a second. (Gets up and gives it to him)

JOE- Thanks, and do you want to leave while I do this, umm cleaning

PHOE- Oh, no thanks, I’m not paying you or anything so I might as well keep you company!

JOE- (threatening voice) Come on lady, I really think it would be a good idea for you to leave for a while.

PHOE- Do you really think I want to get up again? (Excitedly) And besides, what if you have some sort of cleaning emergency, you know, where, where you accidently drink some of your poison cleaner. Or maybe you accidently knock yourself unconscious with a broom. That ever happen to you? What then!

(Joe looks at her, and then starts shoving her valuable belongings into the bag)

PHOE- Umm, excuse me, but what exactly are you doing?

JOE- Just clearing things up mam, puttin’ em in here for safekeeping.

PHOE- Oh, okay.

SCENE 4-Bar/Dancing Club Kinda Place (Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are sitting in a row on stools at the bar)

CHAN- Do we not have anything better to do?

RACH- Got anything specific in mind?


MON- (teasing) Are you sure?

CHAN- (Turns away) And Joey, what are you doing?

JOEY- (whispers) I’m drinkin’ lots of water. I have to get my voice back- can’t talk anymore.

CHAN- Amen!

RACH- So Chandler, while we were in England did you do anything interesting, new, __unusual? Anything monarific?

CHAN- (to Monica) Sweet mother of God- you told her!!!

(Rachel and Monica start laughing)

RACH- You still have some things to learn buddy, women tell their best friends everything.

MON- No Chandler, really, I didn’t mean to tell her. She pried it out of me- I crumbled under the pressure. You don’t know how bad it is- if she wants to know something she can’t be stopped. (Turns to Rachel) And your not going to tell anybody- (threatening) are you Rachel.

RACH- Nope. My lips are sealed.

CHAN- The question is for how long. Now tell me more- what exactly did she tell you? Was I by any chance compared to a God?

SCENE 5- Back to Phoebe’s apartment (Joe has finished putting the valuables into the large bag and is opening the window, he crawls out in order to get to the fire escape)

PHOE- Well that’s an interesting way to leave- I should try it sometime. (She sits there for a minute, puzzled, then a look of understanding comes across her face) Oh! You, you stinky boy! (She struggles to get up, then she yells out the window) Wait! Stop! You don’t understand, you don’t want that stuff! See, it’s been through these spells and stuff that bring harm and bad luck to anyone but me. Oh- a pox on your family! (She starts to crawl out the window)

JOE- Wait- do you have powers or something?

PHOE-(sits beside him on the fire escape) Oh, yes. Yes- I’m very spiritual. It’s a substantial gift.

JOE- (in wonder) How did you find out you find out you had powers?

PHOE- Well, see once I was walking down the street in rags, you know, because I used to be poor, after my mother killed herself. And umm, this guy he was real nice, and he gave me some money and asked if I would be available later, and I said yes, and he told me to wait there that night. But then I couldn’t go so I sent my cat to go tell him, because my sister was lost and I had to look for her.

JOE- And...

PHOE- Well, duh, isn’t it obvious?

JOE- I apologize for my ignorance madam.

PHOE-(impatiently) I was drinking this hot drink and I kind of willed it to be cold, you know. And then I left for a second to chase a rat and when I came back- it was cold! Yeah, pretty spooky, huh? And it’s not just that, either.

JOE- Will you teach me? Please- I have always wanted to be magical!

PHOE- Well, alright- but only if you give me all that stuff back!

SCENE 6- Back to the Bar/Dancing Club Kinda Place (Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Monica sitting on stools at the bar, Joey has 8 empty glasses beside him)

MON- Hey Joe, don’t you think that’s enough water?

CHAN- Yeah, I mean, if you keep going like this soon you’ll be losing water like the Niagra Falls (no one laughs)___I’m sorry, I’m done now -you talk.

(Monica and Rachel shift attention to fat guy (ED)who no one will dance with. He is asking some girl to dance. She laughs in his face and makes fun of him with her friend and he goes to sit back down looking hurt and rejected)

RACH- That is so sad.

MON- I know! That used to be me.

RACH- We should do something, I mean, he looks like a nice guy.

MON- Have any ideas?

RACH- One of us could dance with him.

MON- Don’t look at me!

RACH- Come on Mon, have you forgotten what it was like to have custom made clothes?

MON- Want to flip a coin?

(Couple minutes later- Monica is smirking and Rachel is approaching Ed. She sits down next to him)

RACH- Hi, I’m Rachel Green.

(Ed doesn’t think she’s talking to him)

RACH- Umm, excuse me

(Ed glances over)

ED- Are you talking to me?


ED- (smiles)I’m Ed

RACH- So, would you like to dance?

ED- With you?

RACH- Um hum

ED- You know, if this is a joke I don’t think it’s very funny. I’m sick of being the target of practical jokes! Have you nothing else to do but torment some poor fat guy! You people are sick and perverted. (Slams hand on table) This is harassment and I don’t have to take it!

RACH- Well yeah, good for you... but, ummm, I was serious.

ED- Sorry, would you still dance with me?

RACH- Yeah, sure.

(They leave for the dance floor, meanwhile Ross enters. He takes a seat at the bar, and sees Rachel dancing with Ed and smiles, watching her. Rachel notices Ross, and smiles back at him and waves. Then the song ends and Rachel walks toward Ross)

RACH- Hey (sits down next to him)

ROSS- That was really sweet, what you did for that guy

RACH- (shruggs her shoulders) It was no big deal

RACH- So, you’re back early! Are you okay?

ROSS- Yeah, I’m fine. I’m actually kind of glad that it didn’t work out. Emily and I weren’t really right for each other anyway. Emily was, is, a good friend but nothing more. She couldn’t compete with the fact that I’m still in love with someone else.


ROSS- Rach, I wanted to tell you that I still love you. I love your enthusiasm, your good heart- everything about you.

RACH- Really? I wanted to tell you that _I love you to- I just didn’t want to ruin your chance with Emily.

ROSS- Thank you, that’s another thing to add to the list. I tried to bury my feelings for you, but I can’t. And I don’t want to.

(They kiss- FINALLY!!!!!)

ROSS- So, do you want to get back together?

RACH- Yeah, I really do. We’ve grown, both of us. We should sit down a talk sometime, iron out the problems from before, but other then that I think we’ll be okay. (Smiles) I see things a little different then I did before.

ROSS- I’m with ya!

(They kiss again, laughing- 2 in one episode, the miracle that is fanfic!!!)


SCENE 7- Chandler/Joey’s apartment (We see Joey, hanging upside-down on a bar in his underpants trying to light a candle. Then several successive shots come up, in each on e the candle is burned lower. First Joey is twiddling his thumbs, then he’s slouched over, and finally he’s asleep. Then we see him fall off the bar, and get up)

Joey- Oh man- Hey! IT WORKED!!!!!!!!