The One Where Rachel And Monica...

You Know

Written by: Regis Philibert


[Scene : The real Central Park, Chandler is running. A gorgeous girl appeals his attention. He makes a lot of Chandler things about that... And then she involuntary drops a pen. Chandler goes down on it and hands her back as fast as he can.]

Chandler: Hey (losing balance) You’ve just dropped the pen.

Girl: Oh, thank you, (takes it back) I often do that.

Chandler: Yeah, me too... Wait. No

Girl: (laughing) Well thanks again.

(Chandler is hopping from one foot to the other to fake he wants to keep the rhythm and thinks "Stop doing that". Goes on "NOW" He stops confused.)

Chandler: You’re definitely welcome.

(the girl turns over to go away but turns back suddenly.

Girl: Ok, would you like to date ?

Chandler: Woah... Uh..., Hey, that’s... Yep, you betcha.

Girl: Cool, I’m so glad. Then see you here tonight.

Chandler: (swallowing) Well, of course.

Girl: Okay.

(she turns back running)

Chandler: (calling after her, realizing the splendor of the situation) Can I keep the pen ?


[Scene : Central Perk, the whole gang is there, except Joey and Chandler. Ross explains Phoebe how to squint.]

Ross: And then you leave your nose, keep crossing them, and raise you squinting look forward. Yes.

Phoebe: Woah, that’s huge. (using a male voice) Hi Righty. (using a female voice) Hi Lefty. (going on with the dialogue thing) How do you do. Fine thank you. You look great.

Ross: (amused) All right Pheebs you do that well, but...

Phoebe: (interrupting) Yeah and I love the feeling, I just can’t stop.

(She stands up and goes toward Gunther to order something. He stares at her and asks a waitress to serve her as he goes away frightened.)

(Chandler rushes into the coffee house, and addresses to the gang a loud weird orgasmic "Hey".)

Ross & Rachel: (both surprised): Hey.

Monica: How do you...(thinks.) Come ?

Chandler: Just shut up and listen. The most brilliant event of my entire life has just happened to me a few hours ago.

Monica: You found out you could pee standing ?

(Everybody turns to her. Staring at her without a single smile.)

(talking to herself out-loud) Those stuff don’t work anymore.

(Chandler mouths "No".)

Chandler: I was just... running in Central Park.

(Everybody laughs)

Monica: (still talking to herself) Now they laugh.

(Ross keeps laughing after everyone have stopped.)

Chandler: (To Ross, faking a loud laughter) Ha, Ha ,Ha. Laugh Cozy Rossy, in a sec you will just die to be me.

Monica: Come on. What did the hell happen to you.

Chandler: So, I was just behind this wonderful butt.

Rachel: Chandler !

Chandler: Babe.

Rachel: Neither !

Chandler: (faking he cries) Will you let me end up the story. Anyway. Suddenly a pen just fell down from her purse.

Ross: She’d got a purse... with running ?

Chandler: Oh I don’t know something like that. And as a gentleman...

Monica: (interrupting) Would do.

Chandler: (glaring at her) And as the gentleman I am, I just bent to get it, and gave it back to her. And guess what. (He looks at Monica waiting for a joke)

Monica: Nope, nothing to say.

Chandler: We are dating tonight.

Rachel: You asked her out ?

Chandler: No. (taking his orgasmic voice again, thrilling on each words) She-e-e asked me out !

Ross: Wha-wha-what ! How did you do ?

Chandler: I just don’t know.

Rachel: Channy that’s so good for you. Seems like you’re back in business.

(Chandler wonders how he must take it.)

Monica: Ok, so how old is she.

Chandler: I don’t know this is not the kind of stuff you engrave on your pen.

Monica: (surprised) You mean you didn’t ask.

Chandler: Of course I didn’t. Which kind of guy does that ?

Monica: (realizing every men asks her) No one. But how did she look.

Chandler: Well don’t know... (smiles)Younger than you.

Monica: Hate you.

Chandler: Love me.

Rachel: Ok, her name ?

Chandler: Ok I don’t know neither but...

Phoebe: (interrupting) This could be written on the pen.

Ross: Squint ! Squint ! Squint !

Phoebe: Oh ! (gets back in business)

Chandler: Ok I got to find a suit... and a tie and Joey, where’s Joey ?

Phoebe: Oh, he’s not in the bathroom.

All: What ?

Phoebe: Well, everybody can see he’s not in the room. So I just add he’s not in the bathroom neither. (They still don’t understand) In order to make you sure he’s not in the coffee house.

(Chandler hopelessly leaves)

Phoebe: Oh sorry you were kissing. (She squints again.)

[Scene : Chandler & Joey’s, Joey’s watching "Baywatch" as Ross enters.]

Joey: (alternatively watching his watch and the TV) 69 !

Ross: What ?

Joey: Oh, Hey. No, it’s just that Yasmin shakes her boobs 69 times a minute when she runs.

Ross: Coool ! Is she running for a full minute ?

Joey: (disappointed) Pff... No only ten seconds. I just made the count.

Ross: So d’you know about Chandler ?

Joey: (laughing) Yeah...

Ross: Don’t you thing it’s amazing.

Joey: Except the "Chandler running" part, NO.

Ross: But, she barely knows him...

Joey: (interrupting) Come on Ross. (pause) Where do you run ?

Ross: (surprised) Could we keep talking about Chandler ?

(Joey looks at him with a "Come On" face.)

Ross: In my neighborhood, why ?

Joey: Because if you ran in Central Park as... My friends do. You would know about... (he says the word as the first suspect in a thriller movie) The "Lipstick Girl"

Ross: (almost yelling upset about Joey talking non-sense) WHAT ?

Joey: Oh, sorry. Actually we should call her... (thriller movie style) The "Pen Girl", but before knowing about this nickname we use, she dropped lipstick. And then she just changed the dropping item. Men ! We’re not gonna let ourselves be manipulated by this "crazy dropping pen girl".

Ross: Joey, is it...

Joey: (interrupting) Her new nickname ? No, we keep The "Lipstick Girl" you know it’s short, a bit exiting too and...

Ross: (interrupting him, very upset.) TRUE ! Joey, is it true?

Joey: Oh, yeah. She seduces ‘em, and then she just has sex with ‘em.

Ross: Well, I think it’s pretty much what Chan is expecting.

Joey: (finishing his last sentence) ...In a weird way.

Ross: What ?

Joey: Why do you think she has to use the pen trick ? To always find a new guy. They always flee up. I don’t know what she does to them but man...

( Joey breaks off when the door opens. Monica enters wearing a Chinese hat and holding a bottle of Sake. She looks glad.)

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey, so d’you got the job at the "Red Dragon".

Monica: Nooo.

Joey: So why are you smiling ?

Monica: First, I don’t want to work for fat mean woman yelling at me in language sounding like my mixer. I mean I think I met the "Red Dragon". And second, they offered me a nice bottle of Sake.

Joey: And a hat.

Monica: Uh... No, I stole it.

(They both stare at her in reproach.)

Monica: (ashamed) She was really mean.

[Scene: Rachel & Monica’s, Rachel and Monica are there. They’re facing sitting at each side of the coffee table, looking at the bottle of sake standing in the middle of it.]

Rachel: So ?

Monica: Oh, Rach come on. It’s been ten years from now. And I never won at that game anyway.

Rachel: But you did once, and I’ve made myself look ridiculous.

Monica: Oh stop it, nobody never laughed at you just because you lost.

Rachel: Monica. After you won, I just went to the pool and tried to walk over the water... On my hands.

Monica: Oh, yes this was funny. (remembering she laughs) "Hey I’m Jesus, I’m Jesu... blup, blup, blllup"

Rachel: I just want my revenge.

(Phoebe steps out from the bathroom)

Phoebe: So are you guys gonna make it ?

(Rachel turns to Monica’s face, imploring her)

Monica: Yes.

Rachel: Yes, thank you Monica. Come to papa, Monica.

Phoebe: Great ! I got to go.

Rachel: No Pheebs, you got to witness it. You got to be the judge of my victory.

Phoebe: Oh, sorry I got my 4 O’clock one. (Squinting) You know, now it’s just like I was massaging four butt-cheeks.

(She leaves putting her arms away, like a blind girl.)

Rachel: Looks like it’s Mano A Mano.

Monica: You mean Womano A Womano

Rachel: (not getting) Hey, you know, you’re not supposed to start without me.

(Chinese music starts as the game begins.)

(Monica takes the first glass of Sake and smile. Rachel does too.)

(Cut to Monica, a bit drunk, who spilt some Sake on her blouse. Rachel laughs.)

(Cut to Rachel, drunk too, bringing an empty glass to her lips. She puts it back on the table and mouths a "Oups", as she catches the half empty bottle.)

(Cut to Monica wearing the Chinese hat, who is holding the legs of Rachel, like she were pulling a rickshaw. Rachel point a direction.)

(Cut to a pair of legs raising from behind the coach. Rachel is clumsily walking on her hands as Monica applauds.)

(Cut to Monica and Rachel cuddled together, completely drunk as the music stops.)

Monica: You know what. Let’s have fun like Phoebe.

Rachel: Hey-hey-hey, what do you say ?

Monica: I’m gonna make you squiiint.

Rachel: Ooh-ooh-ooh, How do you do ?

Monica: ( Approaching her hands from Rachel’s body.) I’m gonna make your boobies squint.

(Cut to a close shot of Rachel’s face)

Rachel: Hey-hey-hey, great idea. (squinting) Let’s squint.


[Scene: Rachel & Monica’s, Rachel room. It’s the morning and Rachel’s awakening as she catch a hand beside her head.]

Rachel: (barely awake) Mmmh, Homer, I just love kissing your yellow (finding out the situation) Long nailed Monica’s hand. MONICA !

(Monica instantly awakes)

Monica: RACHEL !

(They both start stepping out of the bed before finding that their both naked. They then both pull the blanket to themselves in order to cover them.)

Rachel: Gimme the blanket.

Monica: No, you give me the blanket.

Rachel: Drop it Monica it’s my room.

Monica: (search for an answer) ...It’s my apartment.

Rachel: Oh, Damn !

(they both resign and lay back under the blanket.)

Rachel: What are you doing here ?

Monica: Same question !

Rachel: (in disgust) I don’t know, all I remember is the Sake and the Sake, and... (surprised) Jesus.

Monica: Maybe we just get drunk...

Rachel: (interrupting) Clever girl !

Monica: And I just missed my bed.

Rachel: Ohhh, Mon, I remember someone touching my breasts, and it was not Jesus.

Monica: And then ? We already done that.

Rachel: Yeah, but this time I didn’t hear "Negative, honey, you don't have Cancer."

Monica: Maybe, we were just...

Rachel: (Trying to calm down) Monica, (yelling) WE ARE STARK NAKED !

Monica: Oh no this cannot be happening to us.

Rachel: Ok let’s think positive. Perhaps we just squeezed...(disgusted) ... Got Naked... and fell asleep. We were drunk, I don’t think we have had enough strength to (even more disgusted) ...ahv... ...hex...

Monica: You can say it.

Rachel: No I can’t. (pause) Anyway, nothing that happened to us this night will be revealed to anyone. Especially not to your brother.

Monica: Why ?

Rachel: (glaring at her) He’s kind of Lesbianophobiac resulting from a past accident during his youth.

Monica: Ok, (ironic) that’s gonna be are naughty secret.

Rachel: Raise your hand and swear on this...(she reached a magazine on the night table) ...Cosmo.

Monica: (amusing) I swear.

Rachel: This is serious.

Monica: Oh, it looks so.

Rachel: I swear too. Ok go for cloth, I definitely have to get out of here.

Monica: (Glaring at her.) I am not leaving the bed.

Rachel: Why. Hey it’s mine.

Monica: I AM NAKED !

Rachel: And then ! We’re both women. Plus, we’ve just had sex together.

Monica: Hey you said we don’t know.

Rachel: No we don’t. Oh for God’s sake, Monica just do it !

Monica: No

Rachel: But...

Monica: (interrupting) You wouldn’t neither. Would you.

Rachel: Uh...

(she thinks for at least ten seconds, as Monica waits for an answer)

Rachel: Monica. JUST DO IT !

Monica: No, I am not moving a single inch.

Rachel: (seems to do Monica) No, I am not moving a single inch.

Monica: (glaring at her) Are you doing me.

Rachel: No, I actually agree with you.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Joey are there waiting for Chandler.]

Joey: I tell you, He didn’t come back this night.

Ross: And guess who he spent the entire night with ?

(they both try to tell the nickname with the thriller style but Ross says "The "Pen Girl" when Joey says The "Lipstick Girl". The weird sound resulting from the mixing of the two words disappoints them. They sit back and think about it for a few seconds)

Ross: So, he did the weird stuff with her.

Joey: Yea-heah-heah !

(Chandler enters as Joey starts laughing. Joey stops.)

Chandler: What are you laughing at ?

Joey: Oh.. uh... Yeah, Ross just told a funny tale.

Chandler: Funny, that’s my word. Come on Ross tell it for me.

Ross: (embarrassed) Oh you know this was not that funny.

Joey: Come on Ross, never laughed like this in my entire life.

(Ross looks at him with a "What the hell are you doing" look on his face. Joey mouths a "Oups")

Chandler: Then.

Ross: You know it’s kind of kinky and Joey likes that but...

Chandler: Yeah, by the way Joey, why did you stop laughing when I came in.

Joey: (glaring at Ross) Tell the story.

Ross: (searching) Ok, so Uh.. this is the ... the O, you know the letter (swallows) who meets the eight, you know the number. Uh... and then the O goes "Hey, you wear a belt."

(As Ross an Joey fake to laugh, Chandler glares at them)

Chandler: Oh, this is kinky. (pause) Ok, so you know about the pen girl.

(Joey, raise his hand to tell Chandler her real nickname but resigns.)

Ross: Yeah, looks like you were the only one in town not to know.

Joey: Yeah... but looks like he is the only one in town to know now. So what did she force you to do.

Ross: Joey !

Chandler: No, no I can say that. I mean this is not like she was S&M or something.

Ross & Joey: (finding they were wrong) Noooo.

Chandler: She just took me to her apartment... And asked me to sit back and relax.... While she were just .. Uh... Playing with... The-the pen.

(Joey opens his mouth to ask a question, but is interrupted by Chandler)

Chandler: No she didn’t used it "Majorette style"

Joey: Oh so she..

Chandler: (interrupting) Yep.

Ross: Ok so you just have a good time like in a peep show and then.

Chandler: Ross she was cute, attractive, and when we wondered in the park she was so funny and looked smart too. I was about to fall in love with her.

Ross: I’m sorry.

Joey: (Tapping chandler’s leg) Sorry man !

Chandler: OK, I got to pee.

Joey: Why. ? Did she tied you up on the chair ?

Chandler: No. But she let met drink. Oh, by the way she let me keep it this time. (he takes out of his pocket a pen and throw it to Joey who catches it. He looks at it like a divine object.)

Joey: No ! This is the pen. Oh, man ! (he handles it carefully, and turns to Ross) This is definitely...

Joey & Ross: (thriller style) The "Pen Girl". (they compliment themselves for the perfect synchronization.)

[Scene: Rachel’s room, Rachel and Monica are still in the bed thinking about their "affair".]

Monica: Well this is the kind of stuff that happens... (Rachel turns to her surprised) Sometimes. Remember in high school. Jessica Parker and Nancy Field, they used to do it.

Rachel: Monica, they are still living together and watch the Gay Pride on TV when they’re not part of it.

Monica: Still, that happens. Maybe after all this time living together we should have expected that.

Rachel: Monica will you stop. You’re just weird.

Monica: Oh, sorry, Marge !

Rachel: What ? Who is it.

Monica: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the only one on earth who’s attracted by Homer Simpson.

Rachel: (embarrassed) Monica. What are you talking about ?

Monica: (laughing) I can’t believe it. If you’re ashamed of your dream lovers, don’t tell their name when you sleep.

Rachel: Oh... How... I just find he’s funny and pitiful I mean...

(they hear the sound of the door opening and start to panic)

Monica: Hope it’s Phoebe, she’s the only one to be able to understand.

Phoebe: (from the living room) Hey, anybody here?

Monica: (whispering)Yes !

Ross: Hey, Monica ! Where are you ?

(Rachel and Monica get panicked again)

Monica: Hide under, hide under.

(Rachel go under the blanket. Then Ross enters.)

Ross: Hey, wha-what are you doing in Rachel’s room ?

Monica: (embarrassed) Testing the bed ?

Ross: Hey-hey (noticing the form under the blanket) Looks like, little sister find a new boyfriend. (Monica smiles as approving) Come on man, I’m not this kind of brother, you can show yourself. (amusing) Come on who’s there ? (angry) Come on who’s there ? Ok man you got it. (He raised the blanket)

Monica: Ross, no !

(Close shot of his face when he discovers the hidden "boyfriend")

Ross: (whispering) Rachel ?

(Cut to Ross rushing out of the room, his hands over his head.)


(he passes Phoebe, runs to the door and leaves.)

Phoebe: What’s happening. (She goes in Rachel’s room and finds out) Woah. I must be squinting.

(Chandler slam the door and rush in the place holding a crucifix.)

Chandler: What’s going on ?

Phoebe: Looks like Rachel and Monica had sex this night.

Chandler: And I didn’t. What’s the point ?

Phoebe: (whispering) Together.

Chandler: (not understanding the yelled word and smiling) Malediction ?

Rachel: Pheebs get us some cloth.

Chandler: No I got to see.(runs to the Rachel’s room door, but phoebe slams it before he reaches)

Phoebe: No ! Chandler you look...

Chandler: Hungry ?

Phoebe: Yes.

[Scene: Monica & Rachel’s, the whole gang is there except Joey and Ross. Rachel and Monica are sitting on the coach, dressed, and don’t say a single word as everybody waits for it.]

Chandler: Ok, you look ashamed so we won’t force you to explain, but Ross and Joey, for different reasons, will, so you’d better do it now.

Monica: Pff... we...

Rachel: It’s OK Mon, I will do it.(searching for the good words) Right pay attention I won’t repeat it : Game. Drunk. Accident.

Phoebe: Oh, so you’re not... in love you guys.

Monica & Rachel: NO !

Chandler: Ok, so just an accident. (pause) So you did it.

Monica: We don’t know, all we know he’s that we drank, we undressed and... slept together.  Just some sisters stuff.

Chandler: Anyway I just got...

Monica: (interrupting, hopeless). Not in the bathroom.

Chandler: I guess. Ok, I got to go

Rachel: Come on d’you really get to tell Joey ?

Chandler: Rachel he’s my friend. (reaches the door, opens it and turns back to Rachel) How can you be so selfish ? (leaves)

Phoebe: Ok, girls that’s not that big deal. (stands up) You know when I feel bad I just squint and everything around turns into a fun and curious wonderful world. (squints)

Monica: Come on Pheebs stop doing it, you can’t walk when you squint, you’re just gonna hurt yourself.

Phoebe: No, I perfectly handle this. Look ! Right between the two posts. (bump into a single post)

Monica: Oh Pheebs are you all right. I told you.

Phoebe: No, no I’m fine. I mean (moving her arms) it’s even better now.

(Ross rushes into the room very angry)

Ross: (almost yelling) I want an explanation. In a few words.

Rachel: Game.

Monica: Drunk.

Phoebe: Accident.


[Scene: Chandler & Joey’s, Chandler and Joey are there. Joey is still holding the pen.]

Joey: Can’t believe I missed it. They don’t even want to talk about this by now. (doing the girls) "Forget it Joey, we must all forget it." Oh, man it’s always on my mind. (closes his eyes and smiles) Yeah !

Chandler: You know I kinda knew it would happen. You know, two pretty ones, living in the same place for a long time now. Plus, both single.

(They both find that the description matches pretty well with them. They both look disgusted. After a few second Joey look down the pen and throw it away.