The One With Rachel's Happy Day


Written by: Kat

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.


(SCENE: Joey & Chandler's apartment. Monica and Chandler are snuggling, but they look slightly annoyed, and Joey is in his room)

JOEY(from room, deep voice): Can you say GAP?

MON/CHAN(annoyed): Gap!

JOEY(coming out of room): Do you mind? I'm trying to rehearse!

CHAN: Yes, we know.

MON: We know the whole advert by now.

JOEY: Sorry, but these lines are really hard!

CHAN: Don't you have two?

JOEY: Three.


MON: What are they? Maybe we can help.

JOEY: I have to say, "The way that I see it, Gap is the only way to go", "Do you know about Gap?" and "Can you-"

CHAN: "-Say GAP?" Yeah, we know that one.

JOEY: Yeah. And I just don't see a motive for this role.

CHAN: There is no motive. It's an advert trying to sell clothes. Khaki clothes.

JOEY: That can be my motive! Khaki clothes: (spreads his hands) For Sale. (he whoops) I love that! I can use that! Thanks Chandler!

(Joey hugs Chandler, and then kisses Monica, very excited. Chandler & Monica look confused)

CHAN: N-no problem.

(Joey goes back in his room)

CHAN: What did I do?

MON: I really have no idea.

CHAN: Glad I'm not the only one.

(He sits down, confused)

OPENING CREDITS

(SCENE: Central Perk. The whole gang, minus Rachel, are chatting)

ROSS: So, the way I see it, The Faculty interprets what kids may define their teachers to be. I mean, the whole evaluation of the film, on my part, relates to the sincerity of-

JOEY: Make him stop! For the love of god, make him stop!!

CHAN: Ross, you're scaring our friend.

ROSS: Didn't anyone understand what I just said?

PHOE: My guess would be blah.

CHAN: Can you say it in English? I mean, I'm pretty smart, and I'm sure Mon can grasp it after all these years, but can you d-u-m-b it down for the other two?

PHOE: We can spell you know!

JOEY(pronouncing the "b"): Dumb? What's a dumb?

CHAN: Oh never mind.

(Monica kisses his cheek reassuringly)

(Rachel comes rushing in, grinning from ear to ear)

RACH: Oh my god!

PHOE: What?

RACH: I had the best day at work! Plus I have a date with a hot model later, and I might be getting raise after one day at work!

CHAN: Well, that's not fair. How come she gets to go out with a hot model?

MON: Excuse me?

CHAN: Ross, what were you saying?

MON(muttering): Hot model. Hm.

RACH: Anyway, I am just so happy! I could have some really…bad news and still be…happy! I'm so happy happy happy!

CHAN: Calm down there, tiger.

PHOE: Tiger?

CHAN: I had, what, 2 seconds? I'm not a genius, you know.

PHOE: I guess not. (she shrugs)

CHAN: Man!

(SCENE: Joey and Chandler's. Joey is sitting down, eating cake with a big sad face on)

(Chandler enters)

CHAN: Hey, what's wrong with you? You're looking kinda down…to mee-e-eee. (he smiles, proud of himself. AUTHOR'S NOTE :In case you didn't know, there's a song over in Britain called "Turn Around" with those lyrics in. I'm not sure if you guys know it in America, but what the hey? Chandler certainly does!) Hey, check that out. I just said a song. Anyway, why so down?

JOEY: I lost my job.

CHAN: The Gap job? How come?

JOEY: I dunno.

CHAN: You must know! What did they say?

JOEY: They said I wasn't good enough. (he sniffs) I'm never gonna succeed. Not ever!

CHAN: You can't say that! It's just not true. Is that a song too?

JOEY: No.

CHAN: Damn! I was on a roll!

JOEY: So was I. (he sniffs again) A film roll.

CHAN: And you'll get another chance.

JOEY: And this means I won't see Simon again. (he sighs)

(Rachel enters, smiling again)

RACH: Hi! I just got back from my date, and now I'm even happy happy happier! (sees Joey) (to Chandler) What's up with him?

CHAN: He lost his job.

RACH: Aw, sweetie! (she hugs him)

JOEY: Hey! Maybe you should get me my job back! You work there!

RACH :I don't think so…C'mon Joey, don't ruin my happy aura thing I got going on!

JOEY: Okay…Sorry. (he looks even glummer)

CHAN: I could cheer you up! We can go out to a strip club!

JOEY: No, we can't. You have a fiancé now. You have to be a responsible adult.

RACH: So do you, honey. You can't be a child your whole life.

JOEY: Peter Pan was.

RACH: Peter Pan is a make believe character, Joey.

JOEY: What?!

CHAN: Rachel, he actually didn't know that. Take it back.

JOEY: Is he really? (to Chandler) Say it ain't so…

CHAN: It ain't so. Peter Pan is real. As real as you and me.

JOEY: Told you, Rachel.

RACH(stumped): Well, uh, uh, well. (after a second) But I'm still happy! I can't believe I'm having such a good day. I haven't felt this good since I stole Melissa Warrington's boyfriend in the 10th grade. You should have seen her face.


CHAN: Okay…

(Monica enters)

MON: Hey! (she kisses Chandler)

RACH: Hey, do you remember in 10th grade when I stole Mel-

MON: -issa Warrington's boyfriend? Do I? That was so cool! (to guys) She was the most popular girl in school for a least, what, 5 days!

RACH: 6!

MON: That was such a great 6 days! (to Chandler) See, I got to be best friends with the most popular girl.

CHAN(sarcastic): For 6 whole days? Oh my god, you must have felt so wonderful!

MON: I did!!

JOEY: Can we enter the real world now, please? Where were we? Oh yeah, I was depressed with my sucky life.

MON: Why?

JOEY: I got fired.

MON(very untactful): Again? (Chandler nudges her) I mean, aw sweetie…Want me to clean your bedroom?


JOEY: I don't want you to have to clean my bedroom. I haven't slept in there for about a month. I just throw my rubbish in there.

CHAN: Is that what that smell is? I did wonder…

MON: I have to clean it. I'm sorry, I can't live near that.

(She goes over to Joey's room, and opens the door. She gags, and slams it again.)

MON: Later. I'll do it later.

(SCENE: Next day. Rachel's office at GAP. Rachel is on the phone)

RACH: No! I wanna order 500 pink tee's, and 300 fuchsia tee's! Oh, forget it!! I'll call back later!

(She hangs up, very annoyed)

(A young man enters, Brian -BRI-, the guy she went out with before)

RACH: Hi! I need some cheering up!

BRI: Well, then you won't wanna hear this. I'm breaking up with you.

RACH: Excuse me?

BRI: I don't wanna see you more. Bye.

RACH: But-

(He leaves)

 

RACH: But…Well!

(SCENE: Monica & Rachel's. Phoebe is there. Rachel comes flouncing in)

PHOE: Hey! Aren't you home early?

RACH: Boss told me to go home. Said I was stressed. (loud, annoyed) Stress?!! Me??? (Phoebe is startled)

PHOE: Calm down! Come here. (she points to the floor under Phoebe) Here. On the floor.

(Rachel does so.)

PHOE: Now, I'm a masseuse and it's my duty to calm you down. So, (she starts to massage her)

RACH: Oh, that feels good.

PHOE: Doesn't it?

(Joey enters)

JOEY(perverted): Woah. Hottt.

(Rachel gets up quickly)

RACH: Joey! She was just helping me relax!

JOEY(perverted): Oh yeah…

PHOE: I was massaging her to stop her being so stressed!

JOEY: Oh. Are you sure that's it?

PHOE/RACH: Yes!

RACH: Hey, you're in a better mood!

JOEY: Yep. I got me some help.

PHOE: Mental?

JOEY: No! I realised what was wrong. I can't cook, like Chandler couldn't. Well, he got help cooking and he cheered right up.

RACH: Because he started sleeping with Monica. Not because he could cook.

JOEY: So, anyway, next week I have my first lesson at the New York School Of Food. The course is called "Basic cooking for basic people".

RACH: What about Mon?


JOEY: Well, she can come if she wants.

PHOE: Can't Monica teach you?

JOEY: Nah. She gets all teacher like. Not what I want.

RACH: What did you expect from NYSF?

JOEY: Where?

RACH: New York School of Food…


JOEY: Oh…Well, I just want a really good, patient teacher.

PHOE: Oh! See, we didn't know you wanted patience. But we get it now.

RACH: Yeah. It makes sense.

JOEY: Yeah!

PHOE: I'm glad that's cleared up.

JOEY: I have to go and buy some…pots and pans and stuff. See ya later.

(He leaves, and Ross enters.)

ROSS: Hey guys!

PHOE: Hey!

ROSS: Guess who's goin out tonight?

RACH: Um, well I'm gonna say you.

ROSS: Yep. With a cute girl called Melissa Warrington.

RACH(nervous): Uh, Warrington?

ROSS: Yeah. Why?

RACH(quickly): No reason.

ROSS: I've given her your number, is that okay?

RACH: Why mine?

ROSS: Well, cos I'm here a lot, so I figured it made sense.

(The phone rings)

RACH: Ross, in high school there was this girl called Melissa Warrington.

ROSS: Do you think it's her? That'd be great.

RACH: No. See, I kinda stole her boyfriend.

PHOE: Is anyone gonna answer the phone?

RACH: I've got it. (she picks up. Split screen : one half Rachel, other Melissa- MEL)

RACH: Hello?

MEL: Is Ross there? It's Melissa.


RACH: Yeah. One second.

MEL: Um, who is this by the way?

RACH: It's his sister's room-mate.

MEL: Oh…Well, can I talk to Ross now?

RACH: Sure. (screen goes normal) (Rachel puts her hand over the speaker on the phone) It's Melissa.

(Ross takes the phone and walks out onto the balcony)

PHOE: Did you and Melissa not get on at all?

RACH: She hated me. After gym one time, she put paint in my trainers. Green paint. I was walking around being called greenfoot.

PHOE: Well, did she ever chop your head off?

 

RACH: What?

PHOE: Just something that happened to me in a past life when I was Anne Boleyn.

RACH: Okay, Phoebs.

(Ross comes back in)

ROSS: I have a date for next Thursday.

PHOE: What about Debbie?

ROSS: We're just good friends.

PHOE: That's what I thought about me and Henry.

ROSS: What?

(END SCENE: Chandler & Joey's apartment. Monica is there, with a bucket full of cleaning stuff. She is approaching Joey's room)

MON(to self): Breathe, Mon. Breathe.

(She opens the door to find a really messy room, and she can't stand it)

(Monica runs out)

MON: Oh my god!

END