Written by: Anne Pascal
With thanks to Jjaks for help with the American translation!
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
What if Rachel had gone to London with the others? This idea is woven into the story of London as told in TOW the Wedding and TOW the Truth about London (so spoiler for that episode). But her earlier presence changes events quite a lot. I think this probably counts as sacrilege for C+M fans. Not an R+R fic either.
Ross: Ugh, I cant believe youre not gonna be there!
Rachel: Oh, I know.
Ross: So come! Why dont you come?
Ross: To London. Come to London. Please. Itll mean so much to me.
Rachel: OK, OK - If you really want me there - I'll see if I can get a standby?
Joey: Wahoo! - London Baby! - Rachel's coming to London Baby!
Ross: (big grin) Thanks Rach. This really means a lot. I'll remember it.
Monica: Rachel you need to pack. Oh my God we're all going to miss the flight. (She dives into Rachel's bedroom)
The guys glance at Monica in Rachel's room in panic mode and shuffle quickly out the door. Phoebe watches Rachel.
Phoebe: You all right there?
Rachel: Yeah, yeah I'll be fine. There's no real reason for me not to go is there? It's not like I still have feelings for Ross.
Phoebe: No-o. Of course not (thinks the opposite).
Rachel: (calling out) Monica we have four hours - we could walk to the airport in that time!
Monica: It takes you half an hour to choose one outfit. You have to pack for four days!
Rachel: I chose my shoes last night in less than 15 minutes.
Monica: You went back to change them twice!
London - For a change lets have Brick Lane, mock tudor houses, drunk English football fans, the Notting Hill Carnival, people on the Underground struggling to get on, Billy Connelly running around Eros naked (its alright - it was too cold at the time to make it worth censoring).
Somewhere along the River Thames, Ross, Emily, Rachel and Monica are walking
Emily: and that was all before 10 oclock. The caterer rang and said it was going to be Chicken Kiev instead of Chicken Tarragon. Were not gonna be
Ross: Sweetie, you gotta relax. Everythings gonna be great, okay?
Monica: Chicken Kiev?
Ross: Doesnt that sound delicious at the last minute?
Rachel: I never liked Chicken Kiev. All that fat with bits in it. It looks like something has been squished dead in the middle. And it ruins your clothes. You stick your knife in it and it squirts at you like that scene in Alien.
Monica: Ya know salmon would be so much more elegant than the chicken. And, you wouldnt have to worry about the salmonella.
Rachel: But if you go down with food poisoning it could liven up the honeymoon. And the guests will be able to relive the wedding, over and over again .
Ross: (Looking angry) I'm so glad I brought you two.
Monica: (Getting the message) I cant wait to see this place youre getting married!
Ross: Yes, this place is beautiful. Emilys parents got married here.
Emily: I still cant believe theyre tearing it down. It really is the loveliest building youll ever see. I mean its over (She stops when she sees that demolition has already started.) Oh my God!
Monica: Its nice.
Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.)
Rachel: This is the loveliest building she has ever seen? Is there a theme to this wedding?
Monica's apartment. Phoebe struggling to get up to answer a knock on the door.
Phoebe: (To herself) Not again! Is there anyone that Monica hasn't asked to check up on me? (opens the door to Ursula) Clearly not.
Phoebe: What are you doing here?
Ursula: Your friend Monica phoned.
Phoebe (absolutely delighted and tries to hug her but can't because of the bump). You came to see I was all right! I can't believe this.
Ursula: No well. I can't believe this! How gross do you look? I mean when Monica said I just had to come and see. I used to worry that we were in competition - you know looks wise. Obviously I'm more intelligent than you. But look at you now. No offence but you look like you should be rolling rather than walking! And even after you give birth you'll have bigger hips and stretch marks I mean you can't have had a guy look at you twice for months...
Phoebe: Yeah I think Monica has problems sometimes understanding quite what a bitch you are. I think she thinks sisters - ya know. But for your information I have a great boyfriend who lives right across the street. He looks just like James Dean.
Ursula: Before he died?
Ursula: Wow. He was my favorite. What apartment is that then?
Phoebe: The block over there. Apartment 3B.
Ursula: Well I gotta go.
Phoebe: (Very sarcastic) Yeah - so nice seeing you again.
She slams the door.
Back in London. Chandler sulking in his hotel room by himself with a bottle from the mini-bar and flicking mindlessly through the TV channels. Rachel comes in.
Chandler: Rachel - what are you doing here? I thought you were out with the others.
Rachel: Ross sent me away for being "unhelpful" and Emily said I was being bitchy - me bitchy - can you believe it!
Rachel: She took me and Monica to see her dress and I just gave her my honest opinion.
Chandler: What did you say?
Rachel: Well I resisted telling her that it looked much better on Monica - which it did Instead I tried to be helpful, constructive
Rachel: I told her it looked two sizes too small and had she thought of dieting before the wedding.
Chandler: It's tomorrow!
Rachel: Maybe - maybe not. They have a few problems with the venue.
Chandler: What problems?
Rachel: They tore it down.
Chandler: Really? Yeah that might make things difficult.
Rachel: How sad.
Chandler: (sarcastic) I can see how upset you are.
Rachel: What about you? Did you fight with Joey?
Chandler: How did you guess?
Rachel: Why else would you be sulking in your room?
Chandler: I could've been taking time out from all the hot London women who were after my body.
Rachel: (Sarcastic) Really? English women that desperate are they? They have Hugh Grant and Sting.
Chandler: And now the legend that is Joey. OK, we fought. I was sulking. You need some company?
Rachel: I need a hug and Monica's still out with Ross and Emily. So you'll have to do.
Chandler: One hug coming up. (He goes over and hugs her) Feeling blue?
Rachel: Nope. I think I descended past navy blue to a deep jet black.
Chandler: Stay here then and we can be miserable together.
Rachel: So what were you planning on doing?
Chandler: Well let's see. I had an active schedule of toe nailing cutting and seeing if I could empty the contents of the mini bar in one afternoon.
Rachel: Wow sounds like a fun packed afternoon. You have been reading your guidebook on essential things to do in London haven't you?
Chandler: Yeah toenail cutting features right up there with tours of Buckingham Palace. So how long do we need to hug to make you feel better?
Rachel: (She pulls away then smiles and snuggles down again) Ya know I really just need to be loved again.
Chandler: You are loved Rachel.
Rachel: Physically loved.
Chandler: You need me to set you up again?
Rachel: Do you know anyone else in London?
Chandler: Else? What do you mean else?
She moves her fingers down his back to his butt. Chandler pulls his head away to look into her eyes.
Chandler: Is this about making Ross jealous just before his wedding?
Rachel: No-o. I just need to feel loved.
Chandler: Come here (he hugs her again and kisses the top of her head) You're a friend, a good friend and when friends say they will be there for each other I don't think they mean THERE exactly. I don't want to make you feel worse. One night flings don't work between friends. It would get all confused.
Rachel: OK. Well we could spend the afternoon talking about whether Ross and I were on a break?
Chandler: (Looking alarmed) Any more options? Toe nailing cutting is quite fun ya know?
Rachel: Do you mind if I make myself more comfortable? This dress is kinda tight.
She starts to unzip her dress at the back. Chandler tries to turn away but realizes he has lost this battle when the dress drops to the floor.
Chandler: Hmmmmphh (Kisses her) Sex it is then.
They start to make out, continue stripping, clothes flying everywhere, and fall onto the bed, moving under the covers.
Rachel: I heard you were real quick.
Chandler: Oh I think you won the competition for being fast.
Rachel: Do you ever stop joking?
Chandler: Some time very soon. And don't worry about the quick thing. I'm like the TV.
Rachel: (she pulls away from him bemused) Do I need to hit you when you go fuzzy?
Chandler: No - full of repeats.
Monica's apartment. Phoebe is watching the view from the window. We can see Ursula entering Ugly Naked Guy's apartment in a black slinky outfit. She drapes herself across the couch. A little while later the door starts to open. Phoebe chuckles.
Ursula (To the opening door): You got the understudy before handsome. Now you get the real thing.
Ugly Naked Guy: Is it my Birthday?
Chandler is asleep, naked and alone, in his hotel bed. Joey enters with his hat still on and his camcorder. Chandler wakes up confused.
Joey: (Amused - sarcastic) Dude - We had a fight. I didn't send you home to bed.
Joey picks up something blue and lacy from the top of the mini-bar where Chandler had thrown it.
Joey: Wow! Nice panties - didn't see those before. That is some cool mini-bar. (He puts them in his pocket)
Before Chandler can get out of bed Monica enters.
Monica: Whoa - you two clearly made up!
Joey: What no! I just got back here.
Monica: If you say so Jo. The hat is a nice touch. You two like dressing up then?
Monica hands Chandler a bathrobe and turns around and smiles when she sees him in the mirror. She turns back round as Chandler does up his robe.
Monica: Do you always sleep naked?
Chandler: I was a little warm OK. Do you always peek when a man is trying to get dressed in his bedroom in private?
Joey: She'd be a really easy woman to satisfy if she did.
Chandler: Oh great, Ross, just what I needed. I'm taking a shower.
Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner.
Rachel: I can't believe he's getting married. I mean Ross.
Chandler: I can't believe we slept together.
Rachel: Well it was more entertaining than your speech.
Chandler: But just as embarrassing?
Rachel: God no - just weird. But you were right. It's difficult to be friends with someone, like nothing happened, after you've been that hot together (she looks away embarrassed) Do you think Ross knows?
Chandler: (worried) Not unless you told him. And the only reason for doing that would be to make him jealous. He's getting married tomorrow Rachel. You gotta let go.
Rachel: Oh I'm OK. It helped. This afternoon I mean.
Chandler: You could have woken me up - and taken your underwear!
Rachel: Sorry I forgot.
Chandler: You forgot your panties!
Rachel: I was distracted, and I don't wear them much.
Chandler: No! Yeah?
Rachel: They show through - even thongs show through - ruin the line of clothes and show at the top of pants. Don't tell Joey will you?
Chandler: God no. He would never be able to sleep again.
Rachel: And you?
Chandler: Me? I'll concentrate hard on forgetting. Rach we should've been more careful. I mean if Joey wasn't so slow, or thought the mini-bar came stocked with worn women's panties . We need to act normal, allay all suspicion.
Rachel: You act normal and everyone will think something's up.
Chandler: OK. Normal for me! So go and do your flirting thing with that guy over there and I'll go and talk to Monica. That way no one gets suspicious.
Rachel: Is that my "normal" then? Flirting?
Chandler: Yeah - you must know what you do.
Rachel: Well with you, dropping my dress on the floor seemed the quickest way
Chandler: Believe me that would work with any heterosexual man, and a few women . But might seem a little forward with a stranger, particularly in public. Just a suggestion.
Rachel goes over to the man and Chandler walks over to Monica.
Monica: You looking after Rachel?
Chandler: Yeah - she's still trying to cope with it - ya know Ross getting married.
Monica: I wouldn't worry about her. She was smiling whilst we were getting ready - a big broad grin.
Monica: I think she hooked up with someone. It was her - "I've just had great sex" smile (Turns to take a drink from a waiter).
Chandler: (Grins and does "the dance" behind Monica's back - Stops, worried as Monica turns back). You sure it wasn't her - "Well at least I don't have to sleep with him again" smile?
Monica: We only been here a day. Trust her to try out the locals as soon as we land. What a slut!
Chandler: Well you know how it is with her. Probably just needed some lovin'.
Monica: With a guy she met only hours before?
Chandler: (needs to change the subject) So how are you doing?
Monica: My mothers driving me crazy, but Ross is getting married. Im happy. (A drunken man approaches.) Im not going to let anything spoil that.
Drunk Man: I just want to say that Ross is a wonderful young man.
Monica: Well, thanks, we like him.
Drunk Man: My god! You must have been a teenager when you had him! (Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.)
Chandler is getting ready to go to bed. Knock on the door.
Chandler: Rachel? (answering the door) Monica!
Monica: (standing outside) Cute PJs! Youre really living it up here in London huh?
Chandler: Well I was I wasn't exactly expecting company .
Monica: (entering) Is Joey here?
Chandler: Well, last time I saw him he was heading out the door with the brides maid and a bucket of strawberries. So uh, youre not still upset about what that guy told ya are ya?
Monica: Wouldnt you be?
Chandler: Well, look its been a really emotional time yknow, and youve had a lot to drink. And youve just got to let that go okay? I mean you and Rachel were the most beautiful in the room tonight!
Chandler: You kidding? Youre the most beautiful women in most rooms
She jumps up and kisses him.
Chandler: (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whats going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out now?
Monica: Well, not anymore.
Chandler: But we dont do that. We can't do that, we really can't. Believe me.
Monica: I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: Not good not good at all. Who are you trying to make jealous?
Monica: No-one I just feel blue.
Chandler: Just blue? Well you need to feel really black if we're going to I won't have any friends left!
Monica: I'll feel black if you reject me. Do you know what that can do to a girl? What happened to me being "the most beautiful woman in most rooms"?
Chandler: Well I wouldn't want to upset you. So you just need me to make you feel better? Well I suppose I can do that. I'm good at doing that. I can make you smile.
They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.
Chandler: (Breaking the kiss) Yknow whats weird?
Chandler: This doesnt feel weird!
Monica: I know. Youre a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed other women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
They do so and they take off their clothes.
Monica: Wow! You're really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Chandler carefully puts Monica's clothes under the bed in a neat pile.
Monica: And tidy.
Chandler: Well you never know where these things will land.
Monica: Were gonna see each other naked.
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Monica and Chandler: Three!
They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.
Chandler: Well I think its safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh! We werent that close!
Chandler: Eh! What do you need friends for anyway?
They start making out again. Joey enters and Monica dives for cover.
Chandler: Joey! Joey! Joey! J-J-Joey!
Chandler: Hey Joe! I was just watching a movie-e-e
Notices that the TV is turned off.
Joey: You stripped off again? You know you could always open the window.
Chandler: Yeah - I didn't think of that.
Joey: Your life makes me sad. Do you want me to set you up with someone? There was a stripper in the lobby who seemed to have really low standards.
Chandler: Thanks Jo but I'm coping.
Joey: How about the radio? They have some cool music channels. (Puts the radio on - Steve Harley (70s - cockney accent) starts to sing out- "Come up and see me - make me smile") Ok then where are those condoms you brought?
Chandler: Theyre in my bag over there. (Points.)
Radio: You've done it all you've broken every code, You've spoilt the game no matter what you say
Joey walks to Chandlers bag.
Joey: What happened to them? This was a box of twelve when we arrived wasn't it? What the hell did you do with . three of them in one day?
Chandler: What um oh you can see the concierge at the front of the building and I was really bored this afternoon so I was seeing if I could get him with them.
Radio: Blue eyes, blue eyes how can you tell so many lies? Come up and see me, make me smile
Joey: What you wasted condoms? That's terrible! Have you never heard of the starving millions?
Joey goes to leave.
Chandler: Can you leave me one, or maybe a couple of them?
Joey: So you can waste them. (He digs in his pocket and pulls out some rubber bands). Here have a great evening.
Chandler stares at the bands as Monica emerges.
Chandler: Well here we are then . I have travel scrabble in my bag.
Monica: It's OK there's an intimacy pack in the mini-bar.
Chandler: Don't be so sure - I drank most of the mini-bar.
Radio: Resist, resist its from yourself you have to hide, Come up and see me to make me smile.
Chandler: God turn that radio off!
The wedding reception. Ross and Emily are having photographs taken in the corner. Monica sits beside Chandler awkwardly.
Monica: What we did last night was crazy.
Chandler: Yeah crazy.
Monica: What were we thinking of?
Chandler: Seven times.
Monica: We were away.
Chandler: In a foreign romantic, incredibly sexually charged, exhausting, city.
Monica: I blame London.
Chandler: Bad - wicked - London. So we just forget it ever happened right?
Monica: Absolutely. Do you think Joey will be with Felicity again tonight?
Chandler: Seeing as she has her tongue so far down his throat that she could perform heart massage I'd guess theyre still on speaking terms.
Monica: So you'll be sleeping naked until we leave London?
Rachel sits down next to Chandler.
Rachel: You know Chandler, Monica didn't come back to the room last night.
Monica: I told you not to tell anyone.
Rachel: So come on who's the unlucky guy? Is he here?
Monica: If you keep on about it I will tell Chandler about the guy you hooked up with yesterday.
Rachel: You know nothing.
Monica: You lost your panties!
Both girls have their hands on Chandler's knees under the table. As they move their hands up towards his crotch he starts to panic and gets up quickly.
Chandler: I think I need the rest room.
Out by the rest rooms Chandler is bashing his head against the wall. Ross comes out.
Ross: You OK?
Chandler: Yeah - Just not sure whether I'm in heaven or hell at the moment.
Ross: You know you'll find someone Chandler. You just have to go out there and be more active about it. Women won't come looking for you. Men are the predators
Chandler: You reckon?
Ross: Yeah take if from me, I've studied anthropology - nice girls will not come hunting you - you have to go hunt for them.
Chandler: With a club presumably?
Ross: You can joke - take if from a married man and a friend.
Flight home. Chandler is on the aisle seat next to Monica. Rachel is the other side of Monica.
Chandler: You didn't come to my room last night?
Monica: The mood kinda left me by the time Rachel had finished throwing up.
Chandler: I thought she was drinking a bit much. She OK now?
Monica: Yeah - ya know she was saying some really weird things. Is that the seat belt sign off? At last - I'm off to the bathroom - I'll see you there in a bit?
Monica goes to the rest room. Rachel immediately leans over to Chandler
Rachel: You were right Chandler. I can't stop thinking about it. Four times in two hours! You're worse than the Fox Channel.
Chandler: I thought we were going to forget about it. It was just a one-night fling?
Rachel: You can't have a one-night fling with one of your best friends. You can only do that with strangers. And besides it was afternoon.
Chandler: But that's what I said to you!
Rachel: Chandler - Joey's going to be asleep in a minute. You should be able to follow me to the rest room.
She heads off to the rest room.
Chandler: (To himself) Can't we have dinner first? I really need to re-fuel.
Woman passenger the other side of the aisle filling in her green entry card looks up.
Woman (British): Well the toilets will be busy for a while.
Chandler: Were you listening?
Woman: I'm sitting a foot away from you. Listening doesn't come into it. (She stares at the card in front of her) Tell me why does your entry card ask me whether I ever committed genocide? I would hazard a guess that there are a very small number of people who would commit genocide but be honest enough to admit it on an entry card.
Chandler: The British one asks that too.
Woman: And they let you in?
Chandler: Yeah - They didn't ask whether you made love to your friends when you should have offered them a tissue and a shoulder to cry on. How the hell do I stop this without upsetting them?
Woman: Anyone ever tell you that women talk?
Woman: Tonight when they get home, they will both laugh a little (glances at him) - a lot- and then make a little confession. You have a bomb shelter at your place do you?
Chandler: You're enjoying this aren't you?
Woman: It's a long flight and I have my own personal soap opera being played out right next to me. I'm guessing you like Monica best?
Chandler: How did you work that one out?
Woman: Body language. You flinched less when she had her hand on your bum when you checked in.
Chandler: You saw that? Yeah I like Monica .
Woman: But she came to your room second.
Chandler: You're good.
Woman: More than you would ever guess. So the woman you have had a crush on for years happens to hit on you the day after her best friend does?
Chandler: No it was the same day.
Woman: Bummer innit? Do you think they will be so keen on you when they find out?
Chandler: I was just trying to make them feel better and it wasn't as if I
Woman: Is that an American way of comforting someone or have I missed something?
Chandler: They came onto me. I couldn't reject them.
Woman: Why not?
Chandler: It would have been rude!
Woman: You've lost me again. I never did understand American manners. But I would have thought that was taking politeness just a little too far. You sure you weren't just feeling lucky with Rachel, and Monica was an opportunity you had just waited too long for to reject?
Chandler: Do you have a solution to all this?
Woman: You'd think - wouldn't you? But no I was just checking I had all the sordid details. (She puts on an American accent) Have a nice day! (She goes back to her entry form)
Chandler and the woman are entering the airport. Joey, Monica and Rachel are some way behind. Chandler is trying to avoid them.
Woman: So did you really go to sleep or were you pretending for the whole flight?
Chandler: Well it worked.
Woman: What are you going to do when you get home? Sleep for the next year?
Chandler: I was toying with impotence.
Woman: Too easy to disprove. Incontinence might be more off putting.
Chandler: Welcome to New York.
Chandler: Yeah. It'll be nice to know that for the next couple of weeks I won't be the most sarcastic person here.
Woman: Unless you fix this you're going to be the most exhausted person here (More seriously) At some time they will both know what happened you know that?
Woman: Well I have to join the queue with the other aliens now. Those that haven't recently committed genocide.
Chandler: Is there a separate queue for those that have?
Chandler pauses and waits for Monica and Rachel who are deep in conversation with Joey. He overhears the woman talking to immigration.
Immigration Officer: Your reason for visiting?
Woman: I'm giving a lecture on the importance of chastity before marriage. You'll see in my passport - I'm a priest.
Back at the apartment. Rachel, Monica, Joey and Chandler greet Phoebe
Phoebe: You all had sex!
Joey: Yeah but in Chandler's case it was a one-man show. Although he did try hooking up with a hot chick on the way home. If he'd managed to stay awake he might have been in with a chance of paying an interesting visit to the rest room.
Chandler: She was a priest!
Phoebe: So were the British guys that good?
Rachel: Sex in London was really surprisingly good.
Monica: Amazingly good.
Joey: But apparently very secret. British guys may be good in bed but they can't be introduced to friends.
Chandler: Must be the British reserve.
Phoebe: Well I better get off home.
Chandler: Let me help with your bags Phoebe.
Phoebe and Chandler entering her apartment.
Chandler: No problem.
Phoebe: Why are you trying to avoid Monica and Rachel?
Chandler: What? No reason. Just spent a few days with them and could do with a break - you know. So have you been OK?
Phoebe: Not so good.
Chandler: Ahh Pheebs what's wrong?
Phoebe: Well normally when you're pregnant you have a man. And I don't and no man will look at me because I look about as attractive as a quarterback who put on too much weight over the summer.
Chandler gives her a hug
Chandler: Oh Phoebe you look blooming - beautiful, you always look beautiful.
Phoebe: Really? You really think that? (She giggles) Because I feel incredibly horny as well
Continued in TOW Joey Helps His Friends