The One Where Rachel Gets Drunk (Part I)

Monica: God, I can't believe I'm actually engaged! And who would have thought that I'd be marrying Chandler.

Chandler: Thanks Mon, that makes me feel so much better about myself.

Ross: So did you guys set a date yet?

Monica and Chandler: No.

Phoebe: I know, how about December 25^th.

Joey: Pheebs, that's when Easter is.

Rachel: Joey, Easter is in March or April. Christmas is December 25^th.

Phoebe: Yeah, have the wedding on Christmas. Your presents to each other could be each other.

Monica: Pheebs, I don't think that's going to work. We want a summertime wedding, don't we Chandler. (Chandler is daydreaming about something) Chandler?

Chandler: Huh, yeah that's fine. (Pause) I just thought it would be cool to wear a Santa suit at my wedding. (Mimicking Santa Claus) Do you take Monica to be your wife, whether she's naughty or nice? Ho, Ho, Ho, I do.

Joey: How can Easter be in either March or April?

Opening Credits

CHANDLER & MONICA's (Chandler, Monica, Ross and Rachel are present, Rachel is sitting on the couch, everyone else is at the kitchen table).

Monica: And then I thought we could have the reception at the Waldorf-Astoria.

Chandler: Isn't that kind of expensive?

Monica: Oh, it's alright. Mom and Dad can afford it.

Chandler: Are you sure, they have helped pay for two of Ross' three weddings.

Ross: Thank you for that.

Rachel: (getting up, frustrated) Is this all you guys are gonna do until the wedding, talk about the wedding? Give it a break. I'm going shopping. (Rachel leaves hastily)

Monica: What's up with her?

Ross: She's your best friend, how should I know?

Chandler: Well she's your ex-wife.

Ross: Your point being?

Chandler: I have no idea.

CENTRAL PERK (everyone but Ross and Rachel is present)

Joey: Where's Ross, he said he'd be here a half hour ago!

Phoebe: Why are you so upset Joey?

Joey: Well, see I have this audition for this play later and Ross was going to read with me.

Chandler: What's the play about?

Joey: It’s about this guy who has been married and divorced three times. But he keeps falling in love with the same woman over and over again. They dated and then broke up in their past. They still love each other yet something always gets in their way, so they never get together.

Monica: Sounds like Ross' life. (everyone but Joey laughs)

Joey: No, the guy in the play is named Russ.

Chandler: Russ? Isn't that the guy Rachel dated right before she started dating Ross?

Monica: Yeah, that's right. It was Russ.

Joey: (frustrated) No. No, Russ is just the name of the character. He's not real. Geez.

(Rachel enters Central Perk carrying three shopping bags)

Rachel: Hey guys!

All: Hey/Hi

Rachel: So what's going on?

Phoebe: We were just talking about Joey's audition later today. Do you remember Russ?

Rachel: Who's Russ?

Monica: You know, Russ, the guy that you dated 'cause he was like Ross. You dated him right before you started dating Ross.

Rachel: Ok. Then why is this relevant now?

Phoebe: Joey's is going to play him in a play!

Rachel: Play who?

Phoebe: Duh, Russ.

Joey: Alright, enough. Chandler, Baywatch is on in five minutes. Let's go.

Chandler: (to Monica) Bye sweetie. I love you.

Monica: Chandler wait. Remember we have our appointment to see that photographer tonight.

Chandler: What?

Monica: The photographer, tonight. Tell me you didn't forget.

Chandler: I didn’t forget.

Monica: Ok, then what time is it at?

Chandler: (unsure and obviously guessing) 7:30?

Monica: (surprised) Right. I'll see you later then.

(Chandler and Joey leave).

Phoebe: Monica, so have you decided who your caterer is going to be?

Monica: No not yet.

Phoebe: How about flower arrangements?

Monica: No, we won't do that for a couple of months

Rachel: (annoyed) Guys, do we have to talk about the wedding? Can't we talk about something else?

Monica: Rachel, what's wrong? Ever since I got engaged you've been acting weird.

Rachel: No, I haven't.

Phoebe: Yes you have and your aura is all messed up.

Monica: Rach? What is it?

(Ross walks in with a woman and they're holding hands.)

Ross: Hey guys. I would like you to meet Rebecca. This is my sister Monica.

Rebecca: Hi nice to meet you.

Ross: This is Phoebe.

Rebecca: Hi.

Ross: And this is Rachel.

Rachel: Hi, Rebecca is it?

Rebecca: Yes. Oh, you were Ross' third wife.

Rachel: (a little mad) Technically yes.

Monica: So where did you guys meet?

Ross: Beck is a doctoral student at NYU. She's studying entomology.

Phoebe: What the heck is that.

Rebecca: It's the study of insects.

Phoebe: It's least its more exciting than dinosaurs, insects aren't extinct.

Ross: Thanks Pheebs, Beck and I have to be going. See you guys later.

Rebecca: Nice meeting you all. Bye.

(Ross and Rebecca leave).

Rachel: (mimicking Rebecca) Nice meeting you all. Bye. (to Phoebe and Monica) Can you believe her?

Monica: I thought she was nice. What has gotten into you?

Phoebe: (deadpan) She's in love with Ross again.

Rachel: I am not in love with Ross.

Monica: Then why have you been acting so jealous?

Rachel: I am not jealous of anything.

Phoebe: She's jealous 'cause you're getting married and she's not.

Rachel: That's not true.

Monica: That's totally true. Every time we talk about the wedding you get mad and want to change the subject.

Rachel: Ok, fine maybe I am a little jealous, but I'm not in love with Ross.

Phoebe: Yes you are, you just don't know it yet.

Rachel: I think I would know if I am in love with someone or not.

(Ross quickly bursts in)

Ross: Have you guys seen Rebecca's purse?

Monica: No, did she lose it?

Ross: You think. Well thanks anyway. (Ross leaves again).

Rachel: Oh no.

Monica: What?

Rachel: I think Phoebe's right. I still love Ross.

CENTRAL PERK (Continuation from before)

Monica: Rach, don't you think its time to let him go. He's obviously over you.

Phoebe: No he's not.

Monica: How do you know?

Phoebe: I'm intuitive remember.

Monica: (ignoring Phoebe) Rach, this is crazy. You guys have been on again, off again more times than a light switch. Do you want to go through that again?

Rachel: I don't know. I just have these strong feelings for him again. Ever since you and Chandler got engaged, I haven't stopped dreaming at night that Ross and I were finally getting married.

Phoebe: You've already married and divorced Ross.

Rachel: No I mean a real wedding and a real marriage.

Monica: I don't know if that is possible with Ross in the equation.

JOEY'S APARTMENT (Baywatch is on. Chandler is at the counter and Joey is sitting on his Barca lounger)

Joey: Chandler, do you think I'll ever get a part on Baywatch? I mean, I am as good an actor as David Hasselhoff.

Chandler: (who wasn't paying attention) No.

Joey: What do you mean no? I thought you were my best friend.

Chandler: (trying to cover his tracks) No, what I meant is that I don't think, I don't think, I don't think that Yasmine Bleeth's boobies are real.

Joey: They're not real? How can you say that? And wait a minute, that's not what I asked you.

Chandler: Oh, that answer is yes. I do.

Joey: (proudly) Thanks Chandler, I think so too.

Chandler: (to himself) What the hell were we just talking about?

ROSS'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rebecca are at Ross' door).

Ross: Well this is my place. Come in and I'll fix you a drink or something.

Rebecca: That would be nice, and then maybe you could show me your bedroom.

Ross: (shocked) I could do that.

Rebecca: Wow, this is a nice place.

Ross: Yeah, if you look out the window to the building across the alley, you can see my sister's place. Wine?

Rebecca: Sure, and I would like to taste this. (kisses him aggressively on lips)

Ross: Uh, wow.

Rebecca: (takes Ross' hand and walks toward his bedroom) So are you ready to show me your bedroom?

Ross: (barely audible) Uh huh.

(There is knock on the Ross' door)

Rebecca: Don't answer it.

(Knock again).

Ross: I'll be right back.

(Ross opens the door)

Rachel: Hi, can I talk to you?

Ross: (uneasy) Sure, what about?

Rachel: Us.

Ross: What about us?

Rebecca: (from Ross' bedroom) Ross who is it? I am waiting for you.

Rachel: (feeling hurt) Oh, I didn't know you had company. We can talk later. Bye.

Ross: Rach, I'm sorry.

Rachel: Don't worry about it, it was nothing.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S (Chandler and Monica are there.)

Monica: I am telling you Chandler, she still loves him. I am worried about her, she's just gonna get hurt.

Chandler: Well that's just a chance she has to take. I know Ross, he still loves her.

Monica: That's what Phoebe said. How do you know?

Chandler: I talked to Phoebe earlier.

(Rachel walks in, she's down)

Rachel: Hey.

Monica: Rach, what's wrong?

Rachel: I went to see Ross, and Rebecca was there.

Chandler: Who's Rebecca?

Rachel: Obviously Ross' new girlfriend.

Monica: Just because she was there doesn't mean they're doing it yet.

Rachel: She called out from the bedroom.

Monica: Well that changes things.

Chandler: Well, why did you go to Ross' in the first place?

Monica: You didn't go there to tell him you love him again?

Rachel: Maybe.

Monica: Rach, he's with Rebecca now. You missed your chance. It's time to move on.

Chandler: Yeah Rach, it's better than getting hurt again.

Rachel: No it's not too late. They just started going out. I know Ross and I are suppose to be together.

Monica: Rachel, your not using your head. Let him go. Let him be happy.

Rachel: Monica, what would you do if you really love someone and know that person really loves you but is just to blind to see it?

Chandler: I'd tell them to go to the eye doctor.

(Monica and Rachel glare at Chandler)

Monica: (to Chandler) For once could you not make a joke about everything? (to Rachel) I don't know sweetie. But I don’t think Ross still loves you. If he did, he'd do something about it.

Chandler: Rach, Monica's right. Ross would have mentioned something to Joey and I.

Rachel: You guys are both wrong. Ross loves me and that's it. I'll see you guys later. (Rachel leaves).

Monica: This is gonna blow up in her face.

Chandler: Like Mt. St. Helens.

CENTRAL PERK (Next day. Everyone is there, including Rebecca)

Ross: Oh, Rachel what did you want to talk to me about last night?

Rachel: Nothing, we can talk later.

Ross: Are you sure?

Rachel: Yeah, it's no big deal.

Rebecca: I have to go Ross. I have to go work on my dissertation. See you later at my place?

Ross: You betcha. Bye honey. (Ross kisses Rebecca goodbye. Rachel looks uncomfortable and Chandler, Monica and Phoebe stare at Rachel).

Joey: So Ross, having hot sex later. Way to go my man! (the others, except for Ross, now glare at Joey).

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Say, Joey, aren't you suppose to be at an audition today?

Joey: What time is it?

Chandler: One.

Joey: Ah man, the audition's at 1:15, I am never gonna make it. (Joey races out)

Chandler: It's amazing to me that he ever works.

Monica: Chandler, speaking of appointments, we have to go see a prospective caterer.

Chandler: Do I have to go?

(Monica looks disapprovingly)

Chandler: Alright, let's go. (Chandler and Monica go)

Phoebe: I think I'm gonna go and see my birth mom. Bye (Phoebe leaves).

Ross: I guess that just leaves us. Unless of course you have to go too.

Rachel: Nope. No plans.

Ross: So Rach, what is it that you wanted to talk about?

Rachel: Huh?

Ross: You said you wanted to talk me.

Rachel: Oh yeah that, it’s not important. Forget about it.

Ross: Come on Rach, what is it. You can tell me.

Rachel: Ross, you know this isn't the best time. Don't you have to go see Rebecca.

Ross: No not until later. Seriously, what did you want to tell me?

Rachel: Ok fine. (Rachel moves onto the couch next to Ross and looks directly at him). Ross, I love you and I want us to be together.

Ross: (shocked) What?

Rachel: I am in love with you.

Ross: Rachel, I don't know what to say.

Rachel: (hopefully) How about you love me too?

Ross: Oh boy, this is gonna be hard. Rach, I can't do this anymore. (Pause) I don't love you like that anymore. I got tired of waiting for you to forgive me. It's been three years since we were together, and it took me almost that long to get over you.

Rachel: (trying not to cry) What are you saying? You really don't love me anymore?

Ross: Of course I love you. I love you as a friend. Rach, you're my best friend and I don't want to risk losing that anymore.

Rachel: I feel like a fool. I thought you still loved me the way I love you. I'm gonna go. (Rachel gets up to leave)

Ross: Rachel, wait. (Rachel stops). Come here. (Rachel walks towards Ross. Ross gives her a big hug and kisses her forehead). I am sorry, but it's best this way.

Rachel: Goodbye Ross.

CHANDLER & MONICA'S (it's late at night and Chandler and Monica are asleep in their bedroom. The front door opens and a very drunk Rachel staggers in).

Rachel: (loudly) Hello! Hello! (Rachel bumps into the wooden post). Why hello there Mr. Post. (Monica and Chandler emerge from the bedroom)

Monica: Rachel, what the hell are you doing here? Are you drunk?

Rachel: Very.

Chandler: Apparently she acquainted herself with Captain Morgan.

Monica: Rach, did something happen between you and Ross?

Rachel: Yep. He doesn't love me anymore. Isn't that a kick in the crotch? (Rachel walks over to the couch and lies down, then passes out).

Chandler: (to Monica) I'll get the bucket, you get the blankets.

Monica: She's gonna hate herself in the morning.

(Chandler returns with the bucket and tilts Rachel's mouth downward towards the bucket. Monica places a blanket over Rachel).

Chandler: You know, sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have you.

Monica: I love you too.

Closing Credits

REBECCA'S APARTMENT (Ross and Rebecca are asleep. Ross is dreaming).

Minister: Ross, repeat after me. "I Ross take thee Rebecca, to be my lawfully wedded wife til death parts us"

Ross: (in dreamland) I Ross, take thee Rachel… (Ross wakes up with a look of horror on his face)