TOW All the Recurring Characters

Written by: Jamie

Authors Note: This Fictional Episode was written in Jan 99, when series four was finished, but series five had not yet started. For the purposes of this episode, however, Emily never existed, and Ross and Rachel are split up. Chandler and Monica are not together, either. Chandler has recently embarked on another disaster with Janice

[Scene: Central Park, by the Delacorte Theatre. PHOEBE (PHBS) is buying tons of donuts from a stand nearby. JULIE enters]

JULIE: (Seeing her with the stacks of donuts) Uhh, hi Phoebe. What’s with all the donuts?

PHBS: Oh, this is for the pigeons, ‘cos, you know, if they don’t get enough glucose, they could be earth ground forever!

JULIE: (Not quite knowing what to do with that) OK…. So, how have you been doing?

PHBS: OHMYGOD! (Ducking behind a bench and looking over Julie’s shoulder) OK, now I need you to do me a favour…

JULIE: OK, but what’s going on?

PHBS: Well, you see that pigeon?

(Julie looks at the concrete behind her, where about two million pigeons are scoffing greedily at the donuts phoebe has already thrown down)

JULIE: Which one, exactly?

PHBS: The one in the middle with the eyes, and the weird coloured feathers.

JULIE: Not really, but what?

PHBS: Well, I didn’t give him his donut yesterday, and his aura’s definitely changed today.

JULIE: Wow….(Voice fluctuating slightly, as she struggles to comprehend what she’s just heard) really?

PHBS: Could you frighten him away, just to make sure he can fly?

(Julie makes shooing noises at the pigeons and rattles her bag at them. Once the cloud of pigeons has disappeared, we see one sole, lonely pigeon flapping its wings in vain)

PHBS: (Cont.) Oh No

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, CHAN,JAN,MON and GUNTHER]


CHAN: Yup, the entire BIKER bar.

(Enter PHBS and JULIE, both trying to control a bag moving wildly and erratically)

PHBS: I said NO pooping in her bag. BAD pigeon!

ALL: Ad-lib hellos

CHAN: Pigeon?!?!?

PHBS: Oh, yeah (as if this was enough: ) Oh, yeah, he didn’t get his glucose yesterday, so he’s planet ridden.

MON: Slow it down, Slow it down!

JULIE: Well, I was walking in the park when….

PHBS: All right! My pigeon theory: My pigeon story! Well, Julie was walking in the park when….

[Scene: Guys’ apartment, JOEY is being spun round on the lazy boy by Fun Bobby (FB) at a ridiculously slow rate. In fact it’s not even spinning, more rotating]

FB: (In a dull monotone)…I didn’t realise that there were that many English cheddars available in your average Chelsea store.

JOEY: Bobby, it’s not that I don’t appreciate all this, but don’t you reckon that you’d better wait for Mon at HER apartment?

FB: Yeah you’re right. (he doesn’t move.) And there’s not just cheddars, but the Dutch cheeses lose some of their flavour and get bland.

JOEY: THAT I can believe.

(Rachel enters, sees FB and tries to get away, but JOEY isn’t letting her get away that easily)

RACH: Bobby! (That word dies on her lips as she fails to get enough enthusiasm out) I…didn’t…see you there.

JOEY: (Closing and locking the door behind her) Bobby was just going over to see if Monica was back yet, after THREE HOURS!!! You wanna give me a spin now, Rach? You must be getting a bit tired, Bobby!

BOBBY: I’ve told you, I do prefer Robert.

(The phone rings. Rachel and Joey race to get to it first. Joey wins.)

JOEY: Hah! (Pressing speakerphone, in bizarrely different, sensible voice) Hello, Joseph Tribbiani speaking.

The Screen Splits into two. On the other side we see….

CAROL: Joey, hi it’s Carol.

JOEY: Hey Carol!

CAROL: Is Ross there, I tried his apartment, but there was no-one home.

JOEY: No, he’s not, but I think he might be on his way. Do you want me t…

SUSAN (off): Carol, the water’s getting cold and the champagne is getting warm!

JOEY: (In a dream world) OH MY!

RACHEL: JOEY!! (Pushing him aside) Carol, hi, it’s Rach. You can leave us a message if you want, we’ll pass it on.

CAROL: I’d rather say this to Joey. Is he there?

(Rachel looks towards the bathroom door, where JOEY has hastily disappeared)

RACHEL: I don’t think he’s (Clears throat, embarrassed) really available, right now.

CAROL: You know what, never mind. See you later! (She hangs up before Rach can reply)

(Rachel turns around, to see Bobby staring at/into her, about 1ft. away)

RACH: Eww!

[Scene: Girls’ apartment. Bobby is staring at a door and ROSS bursts through it, stopping abruptly in front of Bobby’s face. In his haste, a large bag of sugar falls out of his hands]

ROSS: Hi, Bobby!

FB: (In a tone strangely reminiscent of a depressed ROSS) Hi.

An awkward silence, during which both stare intently at the air in front of them.

ROSS: Is Phoebe here at all?

FB: Yeah, in the bathroom. She said she’d love to talk to me but…Actually I didn’t catch the last bit.

ROSS: (heading towards the bathroom) Phoebs?

PHBS: Yeah, come in! (To bath) Now, there’s a reason you haven’t eaten anything recently. This is so you can be ready for…(ROSS walks in) TADA!!

(The Noise makes ROSS jump and, again, drop the sugar. The bag is now about half full, with a large gash down the middle.)

ROSS: Well, I’m here!

PHBS: Great, thanks Ross! (She rubs his ear. He looks at her, as if to say: WHAT?) It’s for luck! So, anyway. How are you at cooking for pigeons?

ROSS: (Carefully side stepping) Why’s Bobby out there?

PHBS: I have no idea. I was gonna ask you! He was there when I came in. I just made some extremely small talk, and then took refuge in here! Anyhow. How do we get this sugar in the pigeon?

ROSS: Now, about that. I talked to the curator of Birds and other winged mammals at the museum, and he said if birds have too much glucose, then they die.

PHBS: Did you ask him what happened if they don’t get enough? Huh? Huh?

(ROSS stares at her, not even beginning to comprehend her flakiness, as we fade to…)

[Scene: Central Perk. RACHEL enters, and is greeted by ROSS, who smells something on her.)

ROSS: Is that a new perfume?

RACH: Yeah. (Reading label) Guaranteed to attract the man of your dreams.

ROSS: Huh. How fitting. Rach, you’re the most wonderful girl, no, woman, I’ve ever known. I know that we’ve had bad times, but the good times were so good that I don’t know if it’s worth throwing away what we had.

RACH: Oh Migod. I can’t deal with this now, Ross. I have to go.

(She starts to leave, but before she does, is stopped by…)

GUNTHER (GUNT): Rachel, there’s a phone call for you. (With venom) A ‘Mark.’

Once again, the screen splits in two and we see RACHEL and MARK

MARK: Rach, hi! Listen, ever since I saw you on the subway this morning, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Would you like to go for a coffee or something?


(She puts the phone down and runs out of the coffee house)

As she leaves, a BMW pulls up outside, and JOSHUA leans out of the window.

JOSHUA: Rachel!

RACH: (Horrified) No, for the last time! Stop bugging me! Jeez!

(She runs away)

JOSHUA: How did you…?

(We change to The girls apartment, Rachel rushes in and sits on the sofa, feet tucked under her as a small child would. She turns on the TV, and in taking off her coat, finds a letter in her pocket. As she reads, a voice over says the words on the page.)

GUNT V/O: Rachel, ever since we first met that day at the coffee house, I knew that my life would never be the same again. What I’m saying is tha……

(Rachel throws down the letter and runs into the bathroom. The camera angle changes and we see her from the bathroom. We see her enter, look in the tub, and pass out)

Commercial Break

[Scene: The girls’ apartment, about half an hour after the beginning of commercials. Rachel is lying on the sofa. Monica is clutching white covered latex gloves and some bleach, and Phoebe is biting her hair in the corner]

MON: Why didn’t you tell me?

PHBS: ‘Cos I knew you’d be all (doing bad imitation of Monica) ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ AND, and I didn’t know it’d be dead!

RACH: (Sitting up) IT’S DEAD?!? (She flops back down with her head resting on Monica’s knees)

PHBS: Well, I guess we’re going to have to bury it now! Do you have a shovel?

MON: NO!! You are not burying that bird with my shovel! Just chuck it down the garbage chute!

PHBS: Fine! But not yet. One, I want everyone to be there, and two it’s aura’s still a bit glowy.

MON: Well, we’ll have to do it before Pete comes over tonight. I don’t want any dead birds putting him off, putting him off, well, ME!

PHBS: I had no idea he had it in him to win!

MON: I’m just so glad that the officials at his company were as worried about him as I was. (Explaining) They paid $2,000 for the bribe to the judges.

PHBS: Well, Chandler should be back at an…

(CHANDLER enters, followed by a protesting JOEY)

JOEY: I’m tellin’ you. They were having a raunchy bath.

CHAN: Don’t toy with me here man!

JOEY: They were! (Realising) Rachel was there.

CHAN: Rach, were they having a raunchy bath?

RACH: Who?


(Rachel nods yes)

CHAN (cont.): Oh MY!! (Voice wobbling, to MONICA) can I use your bathroom?

(Without waiting for a reply, he sprints in, then immediately back out.)

CHAN: What IS that in the tub? Don’t Answer that.

JOEY: So why are we here?

PHBS: For Pidgie’s Burial.

JOEY: Pidgie?


CHAN: Pidgie the pigeon? Are we IN a 60s throwback kids TV show?

(ROSS enters)
ROSS: (Depressed) Hi.

MON: Honey, what’s up?

ROSS: Susan’s got a teaching job upstate. That’ll mean a two hour journey every weekend, just to see him!

ALL: Honey, I’m Sorry/Too Bad etc.

PHBS: Pidgie died.

ALL: Honey, I’m Sorry/Too Bad etc.

PHBS: We should bury, or bin, him now!

ALL: OK/Sure, etc.

[Scene: Outside the apartment, in the hall. All the FRIENDS are there, with Phoebe carrying a shoe box with Pidgie in it.]

(Ursula enters up stairs, with Phoebe Snr. (P SNR))

PHBS: Oh NO. What now?

URSULA: I sensed the pigeon’s aura fading, so I thought I’d come to pay my respects.

PHBS: Aww, you two are so sweet.

P SNR: Actually, honey, I just came to return your vase. But, ohh, sad for you.

JOEY: Hey, what’s that around it’s leg?

CHAN: (reading) ‘Property of NY parks authority. If this bird escapes the park, please call 555-clippo. Uh, Phoebs?


CHAN: (ignoring phoebe senior) This pigeon had it’s wings CLIPPED.

URSULA: Oh yeah, this guy at Riff’s was saying that they are doing that now. They started last…night.


[Scene: Bloomingdale’s office, RACHEL is typing furiously. JOANNA (JO) is staring at her nails.

JO: Do you think I should paint my nails like Cher, or like that weird guy from the subway. I mean, I know at FIRST glance that the Cher option would be better, but that two tone thing really works for the subway guy.

RACH: Well, I’ve heard that there’s a new colour out from Maybelline, AND that Victoria’s Secret have pre-ordered a truck load.

JO: Rachel, get back to work.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Guys’ apartment: Joey is trying to snap an ice cube with a pin. The number of Band-Aids on his fingers prove he’s not doing too well.]

(The phone rings. For the ultimate time, the screen divides in two)

JOEY: Hello, Joseph Tribbiani

ESTELLE: Joey, sweetheart. How areya?

JOEY: I’m good. Listen, is there ANYTHING else for me?

ESTELLE: Well, you’re just gonna say no again but…Gay Porn?

[Scene: Girls’ apartment, MONICA is wearing her dressing gown. The COOKIE TIME clock shows 11pm. She’s snacking on some cheese]

TV: And that’s the miracle that is the glue making process.

(There is a jangling at the door TREEGER enters, and runs over to MONICA)

TREEGER: I DID smell cheese!