Written by: Kathryn

(Scene: Monica & Rachel's. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen table, looking depressed.)

(Monica enters)

MON: Hey, Rach! (sees Rachel's depressed face) Sweetie, what's the matter?

RACH: Well, I haven't had a date in months. It sucks.

MON: Gee, this is a turnaround.

RACH (looking up): What?

MON: Well, I have a boyfriend, and you're depressed about not having one. It's normally the other way round.

RACH: Now I know what you must usually feel like.

MON: Ha ha, that's very funny. Hey, why don't you look in the newspaper?

(Monica goes to the coffee table and picks up the newspaper)

RACH: Why, exactly?

MON: For personals.

RACH: What?

MON: You know, when people put ads in the paper for a date.

RACH: Oh that is so tacky…

MON: Here's one: Blond guy, blue eyes, great SOH-

RACH: What’s SOH?

MON: Sense of humour, I guess. Anyway, blond guy, blue eyes, great sense of humour, slightly short for 29 years old. Has a catering business. Seeks girl 25-35 years, must have sense of humour, like self, and non-smoking. Calls himself Hot-Gun. (puts down paper in front of Rachel) Sounds great to me…

RACH: I dunno…

MON: Oh c'mon.

RACH: Nah, it's tacky…

MON: Well, I have to go to work anyway. I'll leave it up to you.

RACH: I told you, I'm not applying for this guy, or any other for that matter.

MON: Okay, see ya later, Rach.

(Monica leaves)

(Rachel picks up paper and looks at ads. Picks up phone, and dials number)

RACH: Yeah, hi. I wanna request a date with, um, Hot-Gun. How do I do that? (pause) Okay…thank-you. (pause) That's great! (pause) In 3 days? Well, I guess…(pause) Well, okay…Bye.

(Rachel throws paper down, obviously satisfied)

RACH: How dumb am I?

OPENING CREDITS.

(SCENE: Central Perk. Chandler, Joey & Phoebe are sitting in the gangs' usual seats)

(Gunther walks past, whistling and smiling)

PHOE: How come Gunther's so happy?

CHAN: I dunno. Maybe he got some coffee deal…

JOEY: What's a coffee deal?

CHAN: You know, like, buy a bag of cappuccino…get one free?

JOEY: Sounds a little stupid to me…why would one guy want so much cappuccino?

CHAN: Joey…

JOEY: What?

PHOE: Gunther works here.

JOEY: He does? I thought he just hung around for no reason.

(Chandler looks disgusted)

CHAN: What are you talking about?

JOEY: I dunno.

PHOE: Hey Gunther! Come here!

GNTH: What? I'm all out of Psychic Development Coffee. Sorry Phoebe.

PHOE: Oh, that's okay. That's not why I cal-

CHAN: Psychic Development Coffee?

GNTH: New in. (leans down to Chandler and lowers voice) It cons the hell outta weirdo's.

CHAN: Okay….

PHOE: Anyway, why are you so happy?

GNTH: I've got a blind date! With… I won't tell you.

JOEY: Why not, man?

GNTH: Well, I don't know either. But she sounds really great.

CHAN: Maybe I'll apply for one, too.

(Gunther leaves)

JOEY: You have a girlfriend…

CHAN: I know. I just said it because I feel I owe it to the old Chandler.

PHOE: What are you talking about?

CHAN: Well, a couple months back, I'd have said that, and it feels weird for me to be happy and have a fulfilling love life.

JOEY: Ohhh, I get it. You mean that you're normally so desperate that you kinda forgot about Monica.

CHAN (embarrassed): I guess…

(Rachel & Monica enter)

MON (to Rachel): I can't believe you called the ad agency! After you calling it 'tacky'!

RACH: Well, I-

JOEY: What ad agency?

MON: Oh, Rachel called up the paper to go on this date with someone called "Hot-Gun"!

CHAN: How sad is that!

(Rachel glares at him)

CHAN: Well, you thought it was lame when I was on the Internet finding girls!

PHOE: But we thought you didn't care!!

CHAN: W-w-what?

MON: Well, honey, don't take it personally, we thought you were used to being made fun of.

(Chandler makes an angry face)

CHAN: You'll pay for that tonight, Monica Geller.

MON: Ooh, scary! (she smiles, obviously excited)

CHAN: C'mere….

(They kiss, followed by groans from the others)

MON: What?

ALL: Nothing…

JOEY: Hey, you know what? Gunther was saying he had a blind date tonight, too.

RACH: Oh dear god, no…

MON: I don't think it's Gunther, Rach.

RACH: Well, what if it is? He totally worships me!!

(Ross enters)

ROSS: Hey guys! (notices Chandlers arm around Monica, and looks confused)

CHAN: How did that get there?! Bad arm!! (moves it away)

ROSS: I got my holiday pictures developed. Wanna see?

ALL: Sure!

ROSS (handing round photos as he talks): Here's me and Mickey, me and Donald, me and Pluto….

RACH: Where's Ben in these pictures? I thought you went to Disney Land so he could have fun!

ROSS: He had fun!

MON: So why are you in all these pictures with the Disney characters?

PHOE: Oh look! Here he is hugging Alice In Wonderland…

JOEY (mocking): Aww….

(Ross smiles bitterly, embarrassed)

ROSS: Ben was shy, so I had photos done instead.

CHAN: Oh yeah…(turns sarcastic)So did Minnie give you her number? She'd make a hot wife!!

ROSS: Look, if you guys are gonna make fun, I'll show mum the pictures.

ALL: Okay…

MON/RACH: See ya, Mickey…

CHAN: And don’t forget to call Donald and get me his autograph!

ROSS: Oh, I have it al-

(Sees the gang smirking)

ROSS: Shutup!

(Ross leaves)

JOEY: So Rach, I hope you have a good date!

RACH: Oh, so do I! I'm soooo nervous! I've never been on a blind date…not ever…

PHOE: Never??

RACH: No…

MON: Wow, you are totally inexperienced with this whole asking out thing!

RACH: Well, I just…I had guys falling at my feet in high school! It doesn't seem right to ask them out or go on blind dates!

PHOE: Well good luck. Anyway, I have to go!

ALL: Where ya goin?

PHOE: To see Frank 3^rd, Chandler and Lesley!! For the first time!

ALL: Ahh…That's sweet.

MON: Hey, can I come?

CHAN: And me? I wanna see my namesake.

JOEY: What's a namesake? And why have Frank and Alice got yours?

CHAN: A namesake is someone who was named after you!

JOEY: Ohhh….

PHOE: Well, c'mon then, you 2! Let's go.

JOEY/RACH: Bye guys.

JOEY: So you got a date with Gunther then?

RACH: Shutup Joey.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

(Scene: M & R's. Rachel is rushing about getting ready, and Monica is cleaning up after her)

RACH: I'm soooo nervous…nervous, nervous, nervous!

MON: Stop dropping things! I can't pick them all up!

(Rachel stops)

RACH: Why do you have to always pick stuff up?

MON: I guess…it's just a….shutup!

RACH: Well… (she drops a cotton wall pad on purpose)

(Monica screams with frustration and picks it up)

RACH: Can't you just leave it?

MON: Nooooo…

(Knock at door)

RACH: He's here! He's here!

(She dashes over and opens the door)

GNTH: Hey, Rachel.

(She slams door again)

RACH: It's Gunther!!

MON: Oh my god! (she starts to laugh)

RACH: What's so funny?

MON: This is fate. This wouldn't have happened if you happened dropped that cotton wool on purpose.

RACH: No…This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't convinced me to call the ad agency!!

MON: Maybe you should just go!

RACH: Okay…I will. Right after I kill you with this carving knife (picks up a sharp knife)

MON: Whoa! Calm down!

(Opens door. Gunther is standing there with flowers in his hand)

GNTH: Hey Monica. Are you my blind date?

MON: No.

GNTH: Rachel?

(Monica looks at Rachel. She shakes her head vigorously)

MON: No. In fact, I think you have the wrong apartment.

GNTH: Damn. I was hoping it would be Rachel!

MON: Sorry.

(She goes inside to see Rachel eating biscuits, dropping crumbs everywhere)

(Monica opens door again)

MON: Gunther! Come back here!

END SCENE

(Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang are sitting there, talking)

PHOE: So how was your date, Rachel?

RACH: It sucked. And it's all Mon's fault!

MON: You shouldn't have dropped crumbs on my carpet!

(Rachel pokes her tongue out at Monica. Monica does it back)

ROSS: So, I asked Ben if he wanted to go to Disney Land again soon.

JOEY: What did he say?

ROSS: He said yes, but Carol said no. She says I'm too old to like all this "kids" stuff!

RACH: Well, you are a little old for it…

ROSS: What?

CHAN: Yeah, even my cousin didn't make that big a deal when he was 10!

ROSS: Huh?

PHOE: It's true! You can be such a baby!

ROSS: Nuh-uh!!

MON: Yu-huh!

RACH: Kinda proved our point there Ross.

ROSS (whining): Shutup!

(Ross leaves)

RACH: God, what a b-

GNTH (sexy): Hey Rachel.

ALL BUT RACH: Hey Gunther!

GNTH (to Rachel): My little buttercup, I've arranged a weekend away for us.

RACH: Gunther, I don’t have a crush on you!

GNTH: Well why did you answer my ad?

(No reply as Rachel is stuck for an answer)

GNTH: Ha! See ya at the weekend! Wear something nice…

(Gunther leaves)

(Rachel throws bad her head in embarrassment as the others burst out laughing)

END