The One When Phoebe Murders Joey

Written by: Chandler

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no
infringement and make no profit.

(Scene: Central Perk. All are present as Phoebe enters with a massive smile on her face.)

Phoebe: Joey, I just saw my friend Jean. She’s directing a new play at the local theatre, she’s seen you in
plays before and she thinks you’d be perfect in it.

Joey: That’s great, Pheebs!

Ross: What’s the play?

Phoebe: It’s a thriller, and, more good news, you know Helen Hunt right?

Chandler: Yeah?

Phoebe: She’s in it!

Rachel: Question, how is Joey gonna be in a play with Helen Hunt, I mean, she’s a good actor!

Joey: Oh, thanks Rach!

Rachel: I mean she’s recognised.

Joey: Like Monica’s hair is always recognised!

(All except Monica and Chandler laugh.)

Monica:  It’s growing back!

Ross: As fast as a dead plant!

Joey: When’s the audition?

Phoebe: Tomorrow morning at 10. I’m gonna come with you.

Opening Credits

(Scene: Chandler and Monica’s apartment. Joey, Phoebe and Monica are there.)

Monica: Right, had you better be going guys.

Joey: Yep.

Phoebe: One thing you ought to know!

Monica and Joey: What’s that?

Phoebe: Jean thinks you’re my girlfriend.

Joey: Oh. Could we pretend that we like break up after a row when we are there? That would show I’m
a good actor!

Phoebe: Ooh! Yeah!

Joey and Phoebe: Bye, Mon.

(They exit to hallway. Cut to hallway. They walk to the stairs.)
(Cut to audition. Joey is up.)

Joey: Oh, Lauren, come on, you know I love you.

Jean: Well done, Joey.

(Phoebe claps.)

Jean: Well, since you’re the only man who auditioned for the part, you’ve got it!

Joey: Great! Thanks, Jean!

Jean: I have some bad news. Phoebe may have told you Helen Hunt is starring. Well she’s sprained her
ankle, and she can’t do it.

Phoebe: Jean, while I’m here, could I audition for it?

Jean: Jump up!

(Phoebe jumps onto the stage. Starts to read.)

Phoebe: (really good) Frank, I know you love me, you keep repeating it. But if you do, really, you
wouldn’t have gone off with her.

Joey: (Joins in.) Lauren, I was thinking of you all the time.

Phoebe: That is the cheesiest line ever, Frank!

Joey: I am deeply sorry, Lauren!

Phoebe: Frank, get out or I will stab you, I mean it, I need to be alone right now! Clear off!

Joey: This is my house, too, Lauren!

Phoebe: But who works all the hours God sends for you to buy her drinks and keep this roof over our
heads?!

Joey: You wouldn’t dare stab me!

Phoebe: Wouldn’t I?!

(Scene: Rachel and Phoebe’s apartment. Rachel is there with  her boyfriend Hugh. They are cuddling on
the sofa.)

Rachel: This was fun, right?

Hugh: Yeah. It was.

(They kiss.)

Rachel: How about we see each other tomorrow night aswell?

Hugh: Yeah. Come round at seven?

Rachel: Yeah! (They kiss again.) Do you wanna take this into the bedroom?

Hugh: I’ve been dying for you to say that all night.

Rachel: I know you have.
Hugh: Women sense these things, don’t they?

Rachel: Go on in!

(Chandler and Joey come in and start to talk to her.)

Rachel: Guys, I’ve got a friend in my bedroom.

Joey: Whoo!

Rachel: I mean, get out!

Chandler: Well, if he’s in there, and we’re out here, what is the problem?

(Hugh comes out as he is taking his boxers off.)

Hugh: Aagh! God! Rachel! Are you sick?! A foursome?!

Chandler: We’re only friends we aren’t, you know!

Joey: I do like the sound of a foursome.

Rachel: They aren’t boyfriends. Oh god they can see it all, Hugh!

Joey: Yeaah, pull it up! (Does so)

Chandler: This is a sicko apartment! I’m outta here! (Exits)

Rachel: Hugh, they are just really good friends. God! It’s fallen back down!

(Hugh pulls it up)

Hugh: But shouldn’t they knock?

Rachel: (clicks after five years) Yeah, you never knock!

Joey: But, Monica always let us come straight in!

Rachel: Monica doesn’t live here now!

Joey: OK, I’m going! (Does so)

Rachel: Hugh, is this gonna get in the way of us? Please don’t let it get in the way of us! You are so nice
and you have got such a great body!

Hugh: No, but would you do me a favour?

Rachel: Anything.

Hugh: Change the lock?

(Scene: Ross’ and Joey’s apartment. Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are there.)

Chandler: So, Doug calls me into his office, right?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Chandler: And he tells me the bloke who owns the company, who has no family, has died.

Joey: What’s so great about that?

Chandler: He’s giving small companies to his best workers. And he has given me Chez Cheese, the
restaurant around the corner! Providing I work for him for two more years. But it’s mine tomorrow!

Phoebe and Joey: That’s great!

(The phone rings. Joey answers it.)

Joey: Hello, Ross and Joey’s apartment? Yeah, he’s here. I’ll get him now. Chandler, the phone.

Chandler: (takes it) Hello. Yeah, yeah, great! Oh, yeah! OK, bye! (puts it down) Guys, he’s said it’s
worth around $30 000. But some bloke is so desperate, he wants to buy it for $60 000! And he’s said
that I should do what Monica did before. Invest it and wait for my shares to go up!

Phoebe: But you remember what happened to Monica?

Joey: Yeah, she looks so stupid. (Phoebe and Chandler stare at him)

Chandler: You get it now?

Joey: Oh!

Phoebe: Anyway, I gotta go. My dad asked me to go and see him.

Chandler: Oh, right. What did he want?

Phoebe: He said he’d tell me when I got there.

Joey: Bye.

(As Phoebe leaves Chandler does to.)

Joey: Oh, stay, it’s so lonely!

(Chases after them. Cut to hallway. He runs after Chandler and falls over someone’s mail as ‘hot girl’
(HOTG)collects it.)

Joey: Hot girl!

Hotg: Oh, you’re the bloke who couldn’t count!

Joey: Yeah!

Hotg: You wanna come in for a coffee?

Joey: Yeah!!! But hold on a sec...

(Runs to Chandler.)

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: That’s Hot Girl!

Hotg: I’ll go on in. Just come in.

Joey: OK!

Chandler: She is nice!

Joey: Yeah, betta go!

(Runs to her apartment and opens the door and steps into his own.)

Joey: Oh, man!

(Scene: The hallway in front of Monica and Chandler’s apartment and tries to open Rachel’s door. )

Monica: Oh, it must be jammed. Rachel! Rachel! The door’s jammed, could you let me in?!

(The door opens revealing Rachel.)

Rachel: Come on in. (Monica does so.)

Monica: So, problem with the door? You still oiling it every week?

Rachel: Uh, no. The door isn’t jammed.

Monica: So what’s up with it?

Rachel: I changed the lock. Hugh and I got caught in an, well a somewhat, embarrassing position and
since he’s going to be hanging round for a while, we changed the lock.

Monica: You’ve got a boyfriend who’s hanging round? Rach, are you feeling sick?

Rachel: Well, no. I’m 30 now. And I’m too old to be playing around so it’s just proper boyfriends now.

Monica: Whoa! So, what shall I make you for supper?

Rachel: Oh, am I coming round?

Monica: No... Oh! God! I keep thinking I still live here.

Rachel: Well, I don’t like cooking so, I’m coming round.

Monica: I gotta go. Oh, could I have my spare key?

Rachel: No, because you’re not having one. It’s only me, Phoebe and Hugh who have keys, and it’s
staying that way.

Monica: Well, if that’s right, then (takes the spare key to her apartment), goodbye.

(Monica leaves. Rachel chases after her. And into Monica’s apartment.)

Rachel: Hey, don’t be funny. I’m being very grown up here and being very honest. It’s Hugh’s
apartment now aswell, and I’m just respecting my boyfriends privacy! Now, get that straight, Monica!

Monica: I’d appreciate it if you respected my boyfriends privacy aswell. (Grabs Rachel’s hair and drag’s
her to the door. Rachel grabs Monica’s and they both scream as they both pull.)

Rachel: Get off me!

Monica: Let me go first!

Rachel: OK!!! (does so)
(Monica still pulls so Rachel punches her in the gut. Monica screams in pain. Rachel kicks and thrashes
and Monica pulls.)

Rachel: After three let go!

Monica: One, two, AAGGHH!

Rachel: Three!(They let go)

Monica: OW!

Rachel: You are pathetic!

Monica: You punched me!

Rachel: Only because you don’t have any hair to pull!

(Storms out, tries to open her door, but it doesn’t open. She kicks it.)

Rachel: Dammit!

(Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Chandler, Ross are there as Phoebe enters.)

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey, guys.

Ross: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Chandler, you know the guy that bought Chez Cheese?

Chandler: I don’t know him but, go on...

Phoebe: Well it was my dad!

Chandler: I did business with your dad!

Ross: I’d love to stay and listen but, I’ve got to go to an interview.

Chandler: Where?

Ross: You don’t wanna know... (exits)

Chandler: Uh, actually I do.

Rachel: (enters) Hey.

Chandler: Hey.

Joey: Where is Ross gonna get an interview for?

Rachel: Oh, I can’t tell!

Chandler: God, my nose is itching.

Rachel: OK! OK! He’s going for an interview at Chandler’s place.
Chandler: Oh my God!

Rachel: Anyway, what are you gonna do with the money. Oh, I better rephrase that. What is Monica
doing with it?

Chandler: She doesn’t know.

Rachel: Woah!

Chandler: I’m buying a club in a small town not far.

Ross: Isn’t she gonna notice the extra money coming in?

Chandler: No, because the profits go into my bank and buy the time I’ve got enough for a huge
diamond ring, then I’m gonna ask her to marry me. It’ll probably be about 6 months before I get that
type of money.

Joey: Whoa ah!

(Hugh enters)

Hugh: Hey, babe. (kisses her)

Rachel: Hey, honey.

Hugh: Are you ready?

Rachel: Yeah, where are we going?

Hugh: I thought we could walk over to Pilapessi and get dinner and I’ll walk you home?

Rachel: (silently) Why don’t we walk home? If you get my drift?

Hugh: Yeah! Let’s go.

Rachel: OK. (does so)

Phoebe: So Chandler’s going all goo-ey in love is he?

Chandler: Like Rachel I’ve realised I have to grow up.

(Monica enters.)

Monica: I thought she would never leave! I was just about to come in and she beat me!

Chandler: Who’s that, hon?

Monica: Rachel.

Joey: It looks as if you’ve lost some hair, you look a lot worse.

(Chandler kicks Joey)

Chandler: Why? Are you and Rachel not talking?

Monica: No, we got into a fight. And I’ve got a bone to pick with you, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah?! What is it?
Monica: Why do you think that we shouldn’t have spare keys?

Phoebe: Because Hugh has a spare key. And one spare key is enough!

Monica: But shouldn’t I have the spare key?

Chandler: Hon, we’re not school kids anymore, we shouldn’t fight over this... But... We should have the
spare key!

Joey: Yeah!

Phoebe: Well... (runs out of the coffee house)

Monica: This means war!

Chandler: Look, I’ll have a word with Rachel And Hugh and ask them if they think it’s acceptable for us
to have a spare key...

Joey: Well, should me and Ross have a spare key?

Chandler: Yeah, but we live across the corridor, and you live in a different building!

Joey: Yeah, but I wanna spare key!

(Scene: Rachel and Phoebe and Hugh’s apartment. Rachel, Hugh, Chandler, Monica and Joey are there.
Monica and Rachel are in the middle of an argument.)

Rachel: You shouldn’t be in here! It’s my apartment!

Monica: But, I’m your best friend!

Rachel: You were until you acted so kiddie! You bog show-off!

Monica: Well I’m not, I’m too good for my friends now I work for Ralph Lauren and have a boyfriend!

Hugh:(To Chandler and Joey) Can you believe these two? They’re like kids!

Chandler: I know, but it’s fun to see them act like kids!

Joey: Gloria’s not here!

Chandler: Hugh, since you live in a different building do you think we should have a spare key incase of
an emergency and you can’t get here in time?

Hugh: Yeah, I’ll make one in the morning and drop it in in the evening.

Joey: But what about me?

Hugh and Chandler: You live in a different building!

Joey: Ohh, man!

Chandler: What an idea! Hugh, you sell property don’t you?

Monica: Ohh Rachel! Can I please have a key?!

Rachel: I don’t give keys to bald people!
Monica: Oh! Ah! (runs out sobbing)

Rachel: Chases after her.

Hugh: Come down to the office in the morning.

Chandler: I will do.

(Scene: An office, Hugh and Chandler are in it.)

Hugh: So you’re buying Club Clusab?

Chandler: Yeah, but is there anyway you could get a deal on it?

Hugh: No.

Chandler: I’m wasting my time aren’t I?

Hugh: No. Tell the owners you’ll take it off them in a week.

Chandler: Why?

Hugh: I know these people, the cops are after them and they need to get away fast.

Chandler: Really?

Hugh: Yeah, they sold knock a couple of grand off.

Chandler: Brilliant!

(Cut to a travel agents. Chandler gets off a chair and says thanks to the person who served him. Exits.)

(Scene: Ross and Joey’s apartment. All are there as Rachel enters and sits next to Monica.)

Joey: How are you two sitting next to each other?

Monica: We made friends.

Ross: Have you got a key?

Rachel: No. well, we didn’t make friends, we agreed not to talk to each other.

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: And I’ve just realised I gotta go.

Chandler: I gotta ask you summat, Rach.

Monica: I’ll come.

Rachel: No, I’m not in the mood for it Chandler!

(Rachel leaves and Mon and Chan follow. Cut to hallway.)

Rachel: Go away!

(Cut to outside Rachel’s apartment. They are still following Rachel.)
Chandler: Come on, Rach!

(She slams the door on them. Chandler produces a key and enters, Monica follows.)

Rachel and Monica: How did you get in?

Chandler: Hugh gave me a key.

Monica: You didn’t tell me!

Rachel: Hugh! You are gonna get it!

Monica: You didn’t tell me something like that! You... I’ve had it with you Chandler. You don’t tell me
anything. Come back to me when you wake up to reality. (Exits)

Chandler: Monica!

Rachel: What did you want?

Chandler: I want to know where Monica would like to go, anywhere in the world.

Rachel: If it’s gonna make her happy, forget it.

Chandler: Please?

Rachel: Take her to, Greece.

(Cut back to Ross and Joey’s apartment.)

Phoebe: So, Ross, are you coming to our performance?

Ross: Yeah, when is it?

Joey: Friday night.

(Chandler enters)

Phoebe: I was just saying you gotta come to our performance  !

Joey: Yeah, now shut up Lauren!

Chandler: (bewildered) Are you OK Joey?

Phoebe: Leave Frank alone!

Ross: Whoa!

Chandler: So, me and Monica have had a fight.

Ross: Why?

Chandler: ‘Cos I got a key!

Phoebe: Do me a favour, Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah?

Phoebe: I’m in a good mood so shutup or you’ll bring me down.

Ross: Yeah, I’m in a good mood too.

Chandler: Why’s that, Ross?

Ross: You need to call me Mr Geller now because I am your superior!

Chandler: Oh, man!

Phoebe: Bet your in a worse mood now?

Chandler: Yeah, god my life is in a mess! Why do I live?

Joey: I’m gonna go do some extra rehearsing.

Phoebe: Get out or I’ll stab you, I mean it!

(Scene: The corridor outside Hugh’s apartment. Rachel is banging the door.)

Rachel: Hugh, get out here! You gave him a key! You traitor! TRAITOR!

Hugh:(opens the door) What’s wrong, Rach?

Rachel: Why did you give him a key without asking me?!

Hugh: Because it’s now my apartment aswell! Grow up, Rach!

Rachel: We are finished! Hugh, give me your key!

Hugh: If you want me out it’s gonna take some doing because it’s now my apartment aswell!

Rachel: I only gave you a key!

Hugh: Which states that I now live there!

Rachel: Your name’s not on the rent book!

Hugh: Neither is yours!

Rachel: Oh. Oh, you’re right, Hugh. I am being childish. I’m sorry, hon. I am so sorry!

Hugh: Yeah... But I still pay the rent!

Rachel: We’re not friends?

Hugh: Until you grow up, no!

Rachel: Alright, you can live there!

Hugh: Good, ‘cos I’m handing over the keys for this place.

(Man comes to the door.)

Rachel: God, three in an apartment!

(Scene: Monica and Chandler’s apartment. Monica is present as Chandler enters.)

Monica: Is this another, I’m sorry?

Chandler: Something like that. (Puts an envelope in her hand.)

Monica: Greece? Yes! Oh, thankyou!

Chandler: you are very welcome. (They kiss)

Monica: (runs to Rachel’s apartment. Shouts through the locked door.) Thankyou, Rach!

Rachel: (Comes up the stairs behind her and hugs her)

Monica: Only you know about, Greece!

Rachel: I know!

Monica: I’m sorry, Rach.

Rachel: I’m sorry, Monica.

Hugh:(Joins in on the hug when he appears) I’m sorry, too, Rach!

(Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Ross and Rachel are there.)

Rachel: So, what job have you got, then, Ross?

Ross: Well, it’s type of head processor, but all I do really is supervise Chandler and his work mates.

Joey: So, could you like, control what he does?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Right, I gotta go. I’m going to get my costume on. The play is in three hours.

Ross: Yeah, I’ll se you there.

Rachel: Me, too. (Joey exits)

Ross: Want another coffee?

Rachel: I’ll have a cappuccino.

Ross: Two, cappuccino’s, Gunther!

(Gunther brings them to the table)

Rachel: Ross, could you do me a favour?

Ross: Anything.

Rachel: I need revenge on Chandler. He didn’t tell me he had a key.

Ross: Oh, by the way... (Rachel hands him a key)

Rachel: Could you give him some extra work or something that would make him break a date with
Monica?

Ross: I thought you were friends with Mon now?

Rachel: I am. And more work has two reasons. I get to take Monica to the cinema to rebuild our
friendship and revenge on Chandler.

Ross: That could be arranged. That could be fun anyway.

Rachel: Do it twice. Do it thrice.

Ross: Yeah!

(Scene: The seats in the theatre. Rachel, Monica, Chandler and Ross take thier seats.)

Rachel: Chandler, do you ever feel guilty about not telling me about that key?

Chandler: No, not really.

Rachel: Hahahahaha!

Chandler: I’m the one that usually laughs for no reason.

Rachel: Mon, do you fancy going to see a movie on Friday?

Monica: Well, I’m going on a date with Chandler, Friday.

Rachel: Ross, do it Friday. So, we’ll go to see Arlington Road? It’s supposed to be good. Nancy
recommended it.

Monica: I’m going on a date.

Rachel: So I’ll call round about seven.

Ross: This is gonna be so fun, Rach!

Rachel: I know! I’m so excited!

Monica: Are you two seeing each other again?

Ross and Rachel: No!

Chandler: (whispers to Monica) They are aren’t they?

Monica: (whispers) Yep.

(The lights start to dim and the tannoy crackles)

Monica: It’s starting.

Ross: Sshh!

Tannoy: Welcome to the New York Theatre! Tonight you will watch tangled love story between Frank
and Lauren, which turns out to be a desperate chase from the police, I give you A Race From A Love
Triangle!

Ending Credits

(Scene: The stage. Phoebe(Lauren) and Joey(Frank) are on stage. Joey is led still on the floor. Blood
trickling from him.)

Lauren: Oh God! God! God! Jesus Christ! (Janice type way) Oh my God!

Frank: (faintly) Help!

Laureen: You’re alive!

Frank: Very alive! Now get out! ‘Cos I can reach the phone! (Joey goes for the phone and dials a
number) Get to 121 Terraces quick! Help me! I’ve been stabbed!

Lauren: No you don’t!

Frank: I’ve got you!

Lauren: (she picks the knife back up and stabs him, but she is so into it, she does it too hard)

Joey: Aagghh! (She drops the knife. He stands up and falls off the front of the stage)

End