Authors Note: This one follows on from my first fanfic in this series, TOW Ross’s Wedding part III. It obviously doesn’t follow on from Series V, since I’m from the UK, and haven’t seen any series V episodes yet! (I know, the waits killing me!). To quickly Recap, Ross was due to marry Emily, but in a last minute switch, he married Rachel (read the previous fanfic to find out what exactly happened). Chandler and Monica finally got it together (Yay!) and now they’ve all flown back to the US.

(Cut to shot of Phoebe laying on the sofa, very pregnant. She is still on the phone from the last episode...)

PHOEBE:

Okay, Okay Joey, I know your still there, I can hear you. Right I’m hanging up now, you hear me? Hanging up! Okay Joey, goodbye!

(She finally hangs up, and then grabs her stomach)

PHOEBE:

Okay you three, stop fighting! I said stop it !! (pause) Don’t make me come in there!

(Cut to a shot of the apartment, on the door, suddenly they all come bursting in. Firstly Ross and Rachel, then Chandler and Monica, then Joey still wearing his british hat. As they walk in, Ross and Rachel arm in arm, Monica and Chandler arm in arm too. Chandler turns to Joey)

CHANDLER:

Did you have to wear that ALL the way home?

JOEY:

(Shouting louder to irritate Chandler) We’ve been to LONDON BABY!!

(Chandler gives up and shakes his head. Joey takes off the hat and puts it on the table)

PHOEBE:

HEY! How are you guys? Welcome back! Joey, what are you doing here, I just hung up on you!

JOEY:

Phoeebs, we’ve just been on a ten hour flight! I hung up hours ago!

PHOEBE:

Oh ........ OH! So, you guys, let me see the ring, Rachel Geller! Ooh, I like that! Well, I’ve seen it before, but let me see it again!

RACHEL:

Okay!! (skips over to Phoebe to show here the ring)

PHOEBE:

Ohh, you two look soooo great together! I’m so happy for you! And Monica ........ you seem to have got lucky too!!

(Chandler looks bashful)

CHANDLER:

Yes, were finally a couple! And for our wedding, we’re planning to go to the north pole..... (To Joey) Let’s see you buy a hat there!

PHOEBE:

Oh that’s soooo great, let me get up and give you a hug ...... (She goes to get up, suddenly, she falls back with a sudden look of panic on her face) Oh my god! I think my water’s just broke!

ALL:

What??

MONICA:

OH MY GOD, QUICK, GET HER OFF THE COUCH ..... (Everyone looks at her with disgust) ...... and to a hospital quick!

(Everyone rushes around Phoebe, rushing about, getting her bags, and helping her out of the flat, leaving all their bags and things behind, shutting the door. There is a few seconds pause, all of a sudden Joey bustles back in, and grabs his hat!)

(Cut to a shot of a hospital waiting room, the same as used for ‘TOW the birth part II’. You see all six of the friends burst in, Phoebe being wheeled in a wheelchair, Joey is wearing his hat.)

PHOEBE:

Someone phone Frank and Alice. Phone Frank and Alice! Is anyone listening to me?? I’m having their babies, at least I want them here to see me go through this!

(A Nurse enters, going up to Phoebe in the wheelchair)

NURSE 1:

Hello, the baby’s arriving?

PHOEBE:

(Angrily) No! I just thought I’d have a tour of the hospital! Of course they’re coming!

NURSE 1:

Erm, okay ..... I’ll just take you through to the delivery room, and your doctor will be around to see you soon.

(The nurse collects Phoebe in the wheelchair, Everyone follows Phoebe as she’s wheeled away)

NURSE 1:

You can’t all come into the delivery room, it’s too small. Who’s the father?

JOEY:

Oh, none of us, it’s her brother Frank’s.

NURSE 1:

(Puzzled & slightly worried) Okay ......

MONICA:

Okay you guys, I’ll go in with her, you try and get hold of Frank.

ROSS:

Okay.

(Phoebe is wheeled into a door and out of shot. They all stand about for a couple of seconds, until Chandler turns and sees Joey in his England hat.)

CHANDLER:

Have you no shame?

(Cut to the same waiting room, Chandler, Ross, Rachel, and Joey are sitting in the waiting room. Joey’s still wearing his hat. Chandler is sitting chatting with Rachel, Joey is reading something about babies, and looks really miserable. Ross is on the phone, trying to contact Frank Jr.)

RACHEL:

You know, I’ve always liked hospitals. Made me feel really secure and safe, you know!

CHANDLER:

Well, do you think it’s something to do with your dad being a doctor and everything? I mean, you always looking for a man that is like your father...

RACHEL:

What? I do not! I don’t go looking for men like my dad! What about Ross?

CHANDLER:

He’s a doctor too! True, all his patients are pretty much dead by the time he gets to them, but hey, that never stopped Quincy!

RACHEL:

So...... don’t you look for someone like your dad?

CHANDLER:

Well, no not really. It’s difficult to find many unattached dyed blond cross-dressers in the Tri-state area! (Notices Joey, looking miserable) Hey Joe, what’s up?

JOEY:

Man ..... I hate this!

RACHEL:

Hate what?

JOEY:

Being here! In a hospital! It reminds me of being on the show! I liked being on Days of our Lives, being Drake. He was like a real doctor and everything!

CHANDLER:

And you miss that feeling of power you had being Drake?

JOEY:

No, I miss the coats!! We all got to wear the cool white coats with pens and beepers in and everything! No, it’s alright, I can handle not having the coat . I control the coat, it does not control me ….(See a doc walk past in a labcoat, Joey instantly crumples) Awwww, man!!

(Cut to Ross, on the payphone, he’s just finished dialing a number, and we wait to hear it ring, and connect)

FRANK JR:

Uhh, Hi! This is Frank Jr, 555-2494, I’m not here right now ...... well actually I am, I’m here recording this message. But there might be a time when you phone and stuff, where I won’t be in and the phone’ll ring and ring and ring ....... wait a minute. I’m not in right now, but I’m leaving you a message now, and when it gets to be now then, you can leave a message and I’ll hear it now, well not now but later, but it’ll be like now when I hear it..... Hang on, I’m getting confused. Okay, I’m not here right......BEEP (Machine Beep)

(Ross visibly sighs with frustration)

ROSS:

Frank, Alice, when you get this message, later on, but not now, later (Ross confuses himself, and stops, takes a deep breath, and starts again) Frank, Alice, come quick! Phoebe’s having the baby! We’re at the hospital now! (Puts phone down)

(Ross walks over to the others, who are all still sitting about waiting for news)

CHANDLER:

So? You phoned Frank?

ROSS:

Yeah, but judging by his answerphone message, I doubt he’ll be driving here!

(Ross sits down. As he does so, three doctors, all in white labcoats, walk in front of all the friends, especially Joey. And begin discussing a case, we listen in to the conversation. They are all haming it up, Soap Opera style. Dr Peters, a shortish man, slightly balding, Dr Micheals, tall, dark, handsome, wearing glasses, and Dr James)

DR. PETERS:

Dr Micheals, here is his chart, It seems like an open and shut case......

DR. MICHEALS:

Let me have a look....

DR. PETERS:

It’s all there, blood pressure slightly high, high temperature, blood gas. Seems a open and shut case of gastroentoritis. We’ll treat this with antibiotics......

DR. MICHEALS:

Wait a minute, what’s this?

DR. PETERS:

Nothing, just a slightly high .......... count (I dunno what to put here!)

DR MICHEALS:

Dammit Jim! Can’t you see it? Can’t you see what’s in front of you? It’s right there on the chart! Classic De Boers syndrome!

DR. JAMES:

But surely you can’t mean........

DR. PETERS:

Hang on, he’s right! It explains all the symptoms! And with as little swelling as there is, it’s the only explaination! Thank you Chris, I would have performed an unnessesary operation if it wasn’t for you! (Dr. Peters and Dr. Micheals shake hands, with Dr James slapping them both on the back) I’d like to buy you a coffee!

DR. MICHEALS:

That sounds Great!

(Couple of seconds of silence, all of them were staring at the scene, until we hear...)

JOEY:

Oh Man!

(Joey storms out, upset, they all look at Chandler for an explaination or joke, but he just shrugs his shoulders)

(Cut to the delivery room. Phoebe and Monica are sitting there, waiting. Phoebe’s on the bed, as the pregnant woman would be. A nurse is there doing nursey things. Suddenly, her obstitrition, Dr. Graham walks in, with clipboard.)

DR. GRAHAM:

So...... Miss Buffey ......... I see you have ‘Three little people stuck in Person’ Syndrome. I’m afraid there’s not much I can do apart from remove them! How far apart are the contractions?

MONICA:

Erm, about 7 minutes.

DR. GRAHAM:

Okay, looks like you have a way to go then Miss Buffey. Is there anything you want? Gas and air? Ice Chips?

PHOEBE:

(Thinks about it a little) A 32 ounce T-Bone steak!

DR. GRAHAM:

(Thinks Phoebe is joking) Hmmm, I’ll see what I can do..... any preferance on sauce?

PHOEBE:

None of the fancy crap, just the meat!!

MONICA:

You know Phoeebs, you really shouldn’t be eating while in labour....

PHOEBE:

(Voice suddenly drops two octaves) LISTEN TO ME MISS FLAT STOMACH! I’M ABOUT TO HAVE THREE BABIES RIPPED FROM MY PERSON! I CAN HAVE WHATEVER I WANT!!

MONICA:

(Scared witless) Okay Phoeebs, I’ll just go...... and see about your steak.....

PHOEBE:

I want it rare, just stop it bleeding and run it to me!!

(Cut to the waiting room, just Chandler there. Monica comes wondering in, after seeing Phoebe, a little bit shaken)

CHANDLER:

How’s Phoebe?

MONICA:

Oh Fine fine. Psychotic, but fine! Where’s everyone?

CHANDLER:

Well, Ross and Rachel disappeared off somewhere, and Joey’s off having a sulk....

MONICA:

What about Frank and Alice?

CHANDLER:

Ross left a message, but their not here yet.

(Monica sits next to Chandler, and begins to cuddle up. Chandler immediatly looks uncomfortable)

MONICA:

What’s wrong Chandler?

CHANDLER:

I dunno. It just seems that we’ve been going out for only a few days, but we’re acting like we’re serious, you know?

MONICA:

But we ARE serious.... aren’t we?

CHANDLER:

No, no, no, no. We are, we are, but ..... we haven’t had the usual build up. The first date, the first weekend away, stuff like that. That’s the bit I’m good at! I’ve done that bit a thousand times! (Thinks about what he said) That doesn’t make me good at it does it?

MONICA:

Well, no ..... but we can do that!

CHANDLER:

It’s okay, it just seems like we’ve become too serious too quickly.....

MONICA:

Okay, Chandler, we can take it slow.....

(Monica and Chandler cuddle up together tightly, Monica laying on the sofa, head in Chandler’s lap. Monica and Chandler are both smiling broadly. Suddenly, a mother is wheeled out with her new baby, she’s looking tired but proud of her new baby. Monica notices this, and without moving says to Chandler...)

MONICA:

Chandler, how do you feel about having kids?

(Chandler’s face turns from happiness to sudden panic! The music from the shower scene in Psycho plays, and the camera zooms onto Chandler's paniced face!)

(Cut to a scene inside the hospital resturant, Ross and Rachel are sitting at a central table, staring into eachother’s eyes, holding hands, both smiling broadly.)

ROSS:

I still can’t believe it!

RACHEL:

Me neither!

ROSS:

I mean, married! You and me married! You, Rachel Geller!

(Rachel suddenly looks a bit worried)

ROSS:

What? What is it?

RACHEL:

Well, it’s about the whole Rachel Geller ..... thing.

ROSS:

What?! Your not going to tell me your regretting it are you?

RACHEL:

No! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no ...... well, yes, sort of!

ROSS:

WHAT?! I don’t believe this!

RACHEL:

No! I don’t regret marrying you Ross! I mean who would! But....

ROSS:

But what?

RACHEL:

I feel we might have rushed into it a little! I mean Ross, we haven’t thought about this at all, have we? I mean, where are we going to live?

ROSS:

Rachel, I have my own flat, there’s more than enough room for two!

RACHEL:
But Ross! I don’t wanna move into your flat like some kind of lodger! I like where I live! And what about Monica, I can’t just move out without warning!

ROSS:

Well, that’s a good point!

RACHEL:

And what about my name! I don’t wanna change it! I like Rachel Green! I don’t want to be Rachel Geller just yet!

ROSS:

You could use both.....

RACHEL:

What? Rachel Green-Geller? Are you serious?

ROSS:

(Ross mutters) Geller-Green sounds better! (Rachel stares at Ross. Ross looks away all shy) Erm....no!

RACHEL:

Look, Ross, I love being married to you! I love being able to point at you and say ‘Ooh! That’s my Husband Ross!’, but please Ross, let us take it slow for a few weeks! I mean, we haven’t even had a honeymoon! We should do what most married couples do. Find a new apartment, have friends over to dinner! Argue about who left the toilet seat up .....

ROSS:

Okay, whatever you want!

(They kiss)

ROSS:

Okay, just one question....

RACHEL:

What?

ROSS:

What’s wrong with Geller-Green?

(Cut to a scene with a doctor’s staff room. The lights are off, no-one’s in there. The camera points at the door, which is backlit. Suddenly, we see Joey walk past the door, hands in pockets, sulking. He walks past the door, and then peeks back in. The shot changes to a P.O.V. shot of what Joey sees. In the light through the door, at the other side of the wall, is a white doctors coat hung on the side. Joey is too tempted, and sneaks in. He turns the light on the room on, and sneaks across to the labcoat, putting it on. The look on his face seems as if that labcoat is the only thing he’s been missing all his life is finally here. Looking about, he sees a clipboard on the desk and picks it up. Suddenly, you can see Joey change from Joey Tribbiani to Dr Drake Ramoray. He begins walking about the staff room, pretending to be a doctor, ordering various things in a soap-opera style)

JOEY:

..... Give her 20 cc’s of quarticmunahamanah, NOW! ........ My god man, can’t you read between the lines? This man needs an operation ....... I’m sorry, there’s only a 50/50 chance of him making it through the night..... I can’t operate, the trauma might kill him!

(While Joey is doing his Dr Drake act, an Orderly comes into the staff room)

ORDERLY:

Excuse me..... oh, thank god. The relief has arrived. Look, we’re really short staffed at the moment, can you come out straight away...... what’s your name again?

JOEY:

Erm ...... Dr Ramoray

ORDERLY:

OK, Doc, see ya out on the floor!

JOEY:

Okay! (As the orderley leaves, we see Joey’s paniced face)

(Cut back to the waiting room, Monica and Chandler there, Ross and Rachel just walking in and sitting down. Looking at Monica and Chandler, Monica is relaxed on Chandler’s lap, while Chandler’s eyes are wide open, still panicky. Ross and Rachel come in and sit down)

ROSS:

You okay Chandler?

CHANDLER:
(Fast and Panicky) Yes, yes, fine!

RACHEL:

Hey, Mon, do you want to come in and see Phoebe?

MONICA:

Yes, okay Rache, let’s go!

(Rachel and Monica go out to see Phoebe, as Monica moves off Chandler, you notice Chandler doesn’t move a muscle, he’s scares witless! Monica moves off to the door, turns round, blows a kiss to Chandler, and Chandler waves back stiffly. Monica and Rachel leave)

ROSS:

Chandler, what’s the matter?

CHANDLER:

Your sister ...... oh, your sister ...... is a VERY SCARY WOMAN!!

ROSS:

(Beginning to sound angry) What, your, your having second thoughts?

CHANDLER:
No! It’s not that, it’s just that ...... well, she’s getting ...... broody!

ROSS:

Broody?

CHANDLER:

Broody! You know, it’s like standing in Central Park on a hot day....

ROSS:

What do you mean?

CHANDLER:

Well, you see everyone else with a popsicle ...... and it makes you want one!

ROSS:

(Sudden Realisation) Ahh, so seeing all these .....

CHANDLER:

Popsicles!

ROSS:

.... is making Monica want you to give her one!

CHANDLER:

I don’t mind that! It’s just I don’t want to have a baby!

ROSS:

What don’t you like little babies. (Begins to get all strange and cutsie) With their cute little toes and little fingers and their chubby little faces and their .......

(Ross stops when he sees Chandler looking at him with a mixture of pity and disbelief)

CHANDLER:

Look, I’ll stop being a baby first, THEN I’ll think about having one of my own!

(Ross nods in understanding)

CHANDLER:

So, what’s up with you Ross? For a happily married man you’re not really that happy.....

ROSS:

I think Rachel’s having second thoughts about us being married......

CHANDLER:

What? Already?

ROSS:

Yeah, I mean, for starters Rachel doesn’t wanna move into my flat ......

CHANDLER:

Well, to be honest, I don’t blame her! (Stands up, and paces back and forward) Your place still smells ..... still smells of monkey!

ROSS:

What!?

CHANDLER:

I know I know, I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while now, but it never seemed to be the right time....

ROSS:

I mean, how? Where?

CHANDLER:

Well, it’s in all the little corners and crack all over your flat man. You live there, you don’t notice it, but to us...... it pretty much reeks!

ROSS:

What can I do?

CHANDLER:

Apart from bury your apartment in Odour Eaters ..... nothing!

ROSS:
Oh come on, it’s not that bad Chandler.

CHANDLER:

Look, look at it this way ...... In Rachel’s eyes, your asking her to move in with you, your not asking if you can move in together. Lets turn the tables, what if Rachel asks you to move into Monica’s place, permanently.

(Ross thinks about it)

ROSS:

I mean, why would she? It’d cramped, and awkward it being her apartment and me ......

(Chandler gives Ross a knowing look)

ROSS:

Ahhh

(Frank Jr. and Alice come running in, all excited, jumping up and down with excitement)

ALICE:

Oh my God! Where is she, where is she? Where’s Phoebe?

FRANK JR:

OH MY GOD! (Punching both fists in the air) MY SISTERS HAVING MY BABIES!

(Chandler and Ross visibly sink into their seats, as everyone there looks round)

ALICE:

Calm down Frank! I know your excited but You’re going to get us thrown out! (Alice turns to Ross) Where’s Phoebe?

ROSS:
She’s in the delivery room. Mon and Rachel are in there at the moment, they’ll be out in a minute. How did you get my message so fast?

FRANK JR:

Well, I was recording an answerphone message, and ........

(Ross nods. Rachel and Monica come back from seeing Phoebe. Monica and Rachel see Alice, they immediately see eachother, and go into a manic group hug, full of high pitched screeching)

MONICA:

PHOEBE’S HAVING THE BABIES!!

ALICE:

I KNOW!!

(Monica Rachel and Alice jump about in their group hug, screeching. Chandler covers his ears)

CHANDLER:

OW! OW!! Ears Ringing......!

(Frank Jr goes over to Ross and Chandler)

FRANK JR:

Erm, well, ...... I thought that, since I’m having a baby, then I could...... like erm, ...... hand out cigars and stuff.

CHANDLER AND ROSS:

Cool!

(Chandler and Ross look up at Frank Jr expectantly...)

FRANK JR:

Well, erm ..... I couldn’t afford any cigars, soooo ....... (Frank Jr hands out Liquorice Pipes (Remember them?) to Ross and Chandler. They both stare at Frank Jr with disbelief as they each take one. Chandler puts it into his mouth and motions to Ross)

CHANDLER:

Got a light?

(Advert Break)

(Cut back to the delivery room, Phoebe is there, birthing stirrups and all, plate on her stomach, and the remanents of a plateful of Pork Chops sitting there, Phoebe licking her lips and fingers.)

PHOEBE:

(Handing plate to nurse) That’ll do for starters, now where’s that steak ...... What are you doing, chasing it round a field?

NURSE 1:

Erm ...... I’ll see where it’s gone.... (nurse exits in a haste)

(As the nurse exits, Alice, Frank Jr. and Monica enter)

PHOEBE:

Frank! Alice! I’m having your babies! Yeesh! (Phoebe and Alice hug) ...... Have you seen my steak?

ALICE:

Well, I don’t think that normally Ladies in Labor are allowed to eat steak ......

(Phoebe shoots an evil look at Alice)

...... But in your case ...... why not? How are you feeling?

(As she says this, Nurse 1 comes in with a HUGE Steak, and I mean HUGE! It looks like a whole cow on a plate, covered in sauce, with a salad around it. While the conversation continues, the nurse puts it down and leaves)

PHOEBE:

I dunno! I expected to be all panicky, and stressed, you know. But it’s not like that,. I really feel all maternal and mothery. Really calm and relaxed, and mellow and centered and (As she said that she looks down on her steak, and shouts out to the nurse) HEY LADY, DID I ASK YOU TO DRESS IT UP IN ALL SORTS OF CRAP?!? (Pauses for a few seconds) . Yeah, really peaceful! (Takes a bite from her steak)

(Cut back to the Waiting Room, With Rachel, Ross, and Chandler sitting down. They are all bored, sitting about drumming their fingers. Ross and Rachel are hugging, while Chandler is reading the paper. A sudden thought occurs to Chandler)

CHANDLER:

You know, How come Jon can hear everything Garfield says, but his lips don’t move?

ROSS:

Phoebe’s in a room having three babies right now, and THIS is what you think about?

(Chandler looks all ashamed and goes back to reading his paper. A couple of seconds pass, and Monica comes in, slightly shellshocked)

RACHEL:

What’s wrong Mon?

MONICA:

Well, you remember Phoebe’s meat craving....

CHANDLER:

Yeah.......

MONICA:

Well it’s just gone into overdrive! I just saw the biggest hunk of meat wheeled into Phoebe’s delivery room. I swear, it was heavier than me!

CHANDLER:

Now? Or during high school?

(Monica smiles sarcasticly at Chandler, before going to sit down next to him. The camera cuts to behind the couch they are sitting on, where two doctors are talking, we cut into their conversation halfway through. We can still see Chandler’s and Monica’s head which are cuddling up to eachother, and are bowed )

DR. PETERS:

Oh, I can’t figure it out……..

DR. MICHEALS:

What is it??

DR. PETERS:
Well, this chart says that it’s just an allergic reaction, but the symptoms is all wrong…..

DR. MICHEALS:

Why not perscribe mild anti-histamines, and then judge to see if that has any effect?

DR PETERS:

Well, I don’t want to perscribe anything that might hamper other treatment….. I s’pose it’s a judgement call….

DR MICHEALS:

Well, why not take it to the new guy?

DR PETERS:

New guy?

DR MICHEALS:

Yeah, just arrived, Dr …. Rem? Ram? …..Ramoray?

(At the mention of Ramoray, both Chandler’s and Monica’s heads jerk up, suddenly looking paniced, as if they just heard something terrible)

DR PETERS:

I didn’t know we had a new resident?

DR MICHEALS:

Well, I’m not complaining! Do you wanna meet him?

DR PETERS:

Yeah sure!

(The two docs walk off, leaving everyone on the sofas, all with a look of shock on their face. Chandler is shaking his head )

CHANDLER:

No…..no no no no. Not even Joey could…...

(As Chandler says that, Joey comes in with Dr Micheals, and Dr Peters, Joeys holding the clipboard and pointing things out to Dr Peters.)

DR PETERS:

Well, if your sure it’ll work…….

(Joey emphasises the point by grabbing Dr Peter’s shoulder)

JOEY:

It HAS to work Dr. Peters!

DR PETERS:

(A little confused) O…kay!

(Dr Peters and Dr Micheals walk off, discussing the case)

CHANDLER:

Joey could!

(Same scene, Chandler and Monica sitting together. Ross and Rachel sitting together, and Joey standing behind the sofa, in his white labcoat, holding the clipboard.)

CHANDLER:

Hey Joey! Whatca been doing?

(Everyone looks at Chandler)

JOEY:

Oh Man! These coats are sooo cool! Everyone opens doors for you, and ask your opinion! You get to be first at the canteen! I’ve even got my own beeper! Chandler, can I have one of these for my birthday!

CHANDLER:

Sure Joe. I’ll remember to get the labcoat as well as the CAKE WITH A FILE IN IT! What’s the matter with you!?

JOEY:

What??

ROSS:

Joey, you can’t just pretend to be a doctor!

JOEY:

Sure I can … (To a passing nurse) … Nurse, give Mr Williams in 12 a barium enema.

NURSE 2:

Yes doctor.

JOEY:

(To the other Friends triumphantly) SEE!!

RACHEL:

Joey … who did you just give a barium enema to?

JOEY:

Erm …. Mr Williams, he’s in for ….. erm, what is it …. He’s in for…..

CHANDLER:

..The rest of his natural life?

JOEY:

No ….. er ……. That’s it, constipation!

MONICA:

WHAT!? You just gave a man with constipation a BARIUM ENEMA?? What, are you the doctor in charge of TORTURE!

JOEY:

Hey, once he’s gone through that, Then having constipation will seem like a walk in the park!

CHANDLER:

Well, after this, he’ll be lucky if he can walk at all!

ROSS:

Joey, if you carry on with this, they will lock you up! This is not ‘Days of our Lives’, what you do here will affect people’s lives…… permanently!

CHANDLER:

And besides, if you wanna play doctors and nurses, there are places you can go…..

(Joey’s beeper goes off, Joey reads it, and they say to the other friends)

JOEY:

Hey Guys, gotta go. Gotta help with a (reading off of the beeper) … Vas … ec …tom … y. Bye guys!

(They all sit there, squinting, Chandler and Ross sitting uncomfortably, the thought of Joey performing a Vasectomy is obviously a little disturbing! Monica breaks the silence)

MONICA:

Why do I get the feeling Joey doesn’t know what that is?

(Fairly close to the momentous event, Phoebe is doing her breathing, Frank is helping (or hindering, depending on your point of view)

FRANK JR:

Okay ….. er, sis, breathe, like in the lessons and stuff.

(Phoebe looks at Frank Jr, and begins to copy his breathing. As they do so though, Frank begins to feel woozy, and after about 6 breaths, he hyperventilates and collapses. The Nurse comes in and helps carry Frank Jr off)

PHOEBE:

Oh Great! (Phoebe lays back, looking a little annoyed). Aren’t those babies here yet, I can’t lay around here all day!

DR GRAHAM:

Be patient Miss Buffey, the babies will come in their own time.

PHOEBE:

Huh, yeah, you’re a man! What do you know?! (A contraction, Phoebe strains and pushes, and says through gritted teeth) OWW! These kids better be worth it!

ALICE:

Okay Phoebe, push now phoebe, push, push, push (begins to really getting into it) Push now Phoebe, push, push, push, push…….

PHOEBE:

STOP THAT!!

(Alice stops dead, in mid push, scared sensless)

(Chandler and Ross sitting on the couches, still waiting for news about Phoebe. Ross is reading a paper, Chandler is looking up, thinking)

CHANDLER:

D’ya think……

ROSS:

(Interrupting) …. No, I don’t know why Jon couldn’t understand Odie, but Garfield could either!

(All of a sudden, they see Frank Jr being wheeled out of the delivery room, in a wheelchair under a blanket. Ross and Chandler rush up to him)

ROSS:

What happened man?

FRANK JR:

Well …………. (Loooong Pause) …… I dunno!

(Frank Jr is wheeled away by the nurse)

CHANDLER:

I tell ya man, I’m NOT going in there!

(Ross gives Chandler a comforting tap on the shoulder. Monica and Rachel walk in. Monica’s reading something, Rachel is halfway through eating something)

MONICA:

What happened to Frank?

ROSS:

I dunno….

CHANDLER:

Maybe he finally ran out of ideas! Where ya been?

RACHEL:

Just been down to the little shop in reception. I needed chocolate.

CHANDLER:

What did you get Mon?

(Monica realises and suddenly hides what she’s reading behind her back)

MONICA:

Emmm, nothing!

(Chandler walks up to Monica to look what she has behind her back)

CHANDLER:

No Really, what’s behind your back?

MONICA:

Nothing!!

(Chandler tries to look round her to see what’s behind her back, but Monica moves round with him. He goes the other way, so does Monica. In the end, Chandler ends up walking round in circles trying to get a peek, Monica moving round stopping him. Chandler then hits on the idea of just trying to grab it from her. Chandler tries to manhandle Monica to get what’s behind her back. Monica stops him by stamping on his foot. Chandler hobbles back over to Ross)

MONICA:

Okay, okay. I got a copy of Baby Monthly, okay?

CHANDLER:

Baby….Baby Monthly?? (Turning to Ross, with a agonised look of panic on his face) BABY MONTHLY??

MONICA:

Why, do you have a problem with that??

CHANDLER:

Why, why, why…….. why would I have a problem with that??

(Monica walks up to Chandler, and gives him a kiss on the cheek)

MONICA:

I knew you’d understand! Thank you! We’re gonna go in and see Phoebe for a sec, you wanna come?

CHANDLER:
(With a forced smile) Sure, I’ll be in in just a minute (Ross goes to walk into the delivery area, Chandler grabs him by his arm) I just gotta have a word with Ross!

(Monica and Rachel leave to see Phoebe. Chandler pauses until they have gone, then grabs Ross by his shirt, shaking him)

CHANDLER:

Help me, HELP ME!!! She’s buying baby Magazines, she’s looking at baby clothes! There’s no way to stop her!! NO WAY!

ROSS:

Chandler, calm down, she always gets like this around babies, once we’re out of here she’ll forget all about it!

CHANDLER:

Yeah, yeah, your right ……….. no, no,no, you’re wrong! Phoebe’s having kids!

ROSS:

I’m glad you noticed!

CHANDLER:

She’ll babysit, look after them, they’ll be about all the time! Monica’ll be KNEE DEEP in babies! She’ll see ‘em everywhere! OH MY GOD, SHE’LL WANT ME TO GIVE HER BABIES! I want to give her stuff, but I thought more in the line of a necklace or earrings …… or mittens, Mittens are good……(Chandler continues to babble)

ROSS:

Chandler, calm down! CALM DOWN!

(Joey enters the room, a look of disgust on his face)

JOEY:

Man, there’s NO WAY I’m doing that, they want me to touch ……… (He can’t bring himself to say the words, and just shudders) Ewwww! Being a doctor sucks! (Joey Pauses for a couple of seconds, and then rips off his white coat and throws it off with disgust!)

(Chandler and Ross stop what they’re doing and just stare at Joey, in confusion. After a brief pause, Chandler picks up Joey’s hat and offers it to him)

CHANDLER:

You want your hat back??

JOEY:

(Sadly) Yeah… (pulls his hat over his head)

(Cut back to the delivery room. Phoebe’s pretty close to giving birth now. Rachel and Monica are comforting Phoebe, along with Alice)

PHOEBE:

(Angrily) Are these babies coming out or what?! I’m not carrying them about permanently you know!!

DR GRAHAM:

Okay, stay calm Miss Buffey, it’s very close now……

PHOEBE:

YOU SAID THAT TEN MINUTES AGO, AND I DON’T SEE ANY BABIES!

(Dr Graham realises it’s better not to talk to Phoebe and disappears under the stirrups)

ALICE:

Ooooh, this is so exciting!

PHOEBE:

Yeah Alice, watch me do cartwheels…….. Mop my brow Monica.

MONICA:

(Trying to get out of the room) Well I was…..

PHOEBE:
MOP IT!!!

MONICA:
(Jumping to attention) Okay!

(Ross, Chandler and Joey come in, wanting to see what’s going on, Joey in his hat, Chandler string at it and shaking his head)

PHOEBE:

Oh Great, an audience! Want a better view, stand over there then!

(All three jump back, scared, but Rachel beckons them in, wanting someone else to take the flak)

ALL MEN:

Hi Phoeebs

PHOEBE:

Oh, I’m sorry you guys, I don’t know what’s going on with me …… (To Dr Graham under the stirrups) HEY THAT’S COLD U MORON!

DR GRAHAM:

Okay, another contraction, here it comes……..

(Suddenly, you see Phoebe arch her back in pain, giving out the most scary sound you have ever heard in your life. All of them step back in unison, getting out the way, except Chandler, who wasn’t fast enough. Phoebe grabs Chandler and yanks him towards her, staring daggers at him. She pulls him close so they are really eye to eye)

PHOEBE:

(Deep growling voice) DON’T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!!

CHANDLER:

(Scared witless) I …. I … (realising) I didn’t touch you the first time!

PHOEBE:

WELL JUST DON’T TOUCH ME THEN!!

(Phoebe Throws Chandler across the room with one hand, Chandler slams into the wall ten yards away. Chandler slides down the wall letting out a whimper)

CHANDLER:

(Weakly) Okay, that hurt!

DR GRAHAM:

Okay, nine centimetres, it’s baby time! Can everyone clear the area please, we need the room, there’s gonna be three babies here soon!

(The sense of relief on their faces is obvious)

ALL:

Okay, good luck Phoeebs, see you soon etc etc (and other words of encouragement)

(They all shuffle out of the room, except Alice. Ross grabbing Chandler and dragging him out of the room)

PHOEBE:

Wait! Where are you going? Come back here you chickens!!

(The previous scene fades into a camera shot of them waiting in the waiting room. The shot involves looking onto one of their faces at a time, like the camera was in the middle of a big circle moving from person to person. The camera starts on the face of Ross, looking worried and strumming his fingers. Then the shot moves onto Rachel, staring into space. Then there is a shot of Monica, looking worried and idly flicking through her Baby Monthly. Then the shot goes onto Joey, wearing his Union Jack hat and doctors coat, looking miserable. Finally the shot ends up on Chandler, who suddenly is in a neck brace, his eyes wide in panic staring at Monica and her Baby Magazine. The shot changes back to one of the entire couch, and Joey breaks the silence)

JOEY:

Man, that neck brace is sooo cool. You think I could get one?

CHANDLER:

(Struggling to turn his head round to face Joey) Sure Joe, With the white doctors coat, and that stupid, stupid hat, a neck brace should finish off that outfit nicely!!

RACHEL:

How long you gotta wear it, Chandler?

CHANDLER:

Oh, couple of days, just as a precaution.

ROSS:

I couldn’t believe Phoebe did that!

CHANDLER:

I was talking to the doctor about it as they were x-raying me. Apparently it’s quite common for women to become like superheroes while giving birth, something about the rush of adrenilin. True he’d never seen anyone physically THROWN through a wall before…..

(Joey pats Chandler on the shoulder tightly. Chandler grimices in pain)

JOEY:

Oh sorry man!

(Monica looks at her watch)

MONICA:

Geez, it’s been three quarters of an hour now, we haven’t heard anything, what’s going on??

ROSS:

Monica, the doctors know what they’re doing. Let the doctors do what they need to do okay, just sit here and be patient

(Everyone sits down and is silent. About 10 seconds pass, before Ross finally says)

ROSS:

WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE??

(Everyone pulls him back and sits him down)

JOEY:

Here, check this….

(Joey writes something down on a bit of paper, and hands it to the others very low. Obvoiusly, with the neck brace, Chandler can’t read it. Everyone in turn gets it, and begins laughing hystericly. Chandler can'’ see it, and begins to get frustrated)

CHANDLER:

What, what, WHAT!!

(While all this is going on, Frank Jr is wheeled in, in his wheelchair, with a blanket over him.)

FRANK JR:

Hey, is there any like, er news??

MONICA:

Hey Frank! How are you feeling?

FRANK JR:

Err, good. I feel a lot better, and stronger ….. (Seeing Chandler’s Neck Brace) Whoah, Cool necklace man!

RACHEL:

We haven’t heard anything yet, we’re just waiting now!

(A couple of seconds pass, and then Alice bursts into the waiting room)

ALICE:

IT’S THREE BABIES!!

(Everyone begins to celebrate, hugging eachother, except Chandler, who can’t move well because of the brace. All of a sudden Frank stands up from the wheelchair punching both fists in the air)

FRANK JR:

YES!! I'M A DAD!!

(Immediately, Frank freezes and falls forward onto the floor, face first. Everyone stops celebrating to look at Frank)

(Cut to the Delivery room, an a lot calmer scene. Phoebe is holding one of the babies, Alice another, The other one is in a cot. Suddenly, everyone comes in First Monica and Rachel, then Joey, then Ross, who is leading Chandler in his neck brace, since he can’t see where he’s going.)

PHOEBE:

Hey you guys! I did it, I had three babies!

JOEY:

Yeah you certainly did that! (Fake heroic voice) Phoebe Buffey, Super Woman.

PHOEBE:

Oh I like that! (Seeing Chandler) Sorry about the neck thing Chandler!

CHANDLER:

That’s okay Phoebe, Gives me time to appreciate the ceiling more.

MONICA:

Are these them??

ROSS:

No Monica, these are someone elses!

(Monica shoots him a look)

MONICA:

Phoebe, can I hold one??

PHOEBE:

Sure….

(Monica picks the one up in the cot, despite Chandler motioning to Phoebe trying to stop her saying yes)

MONICA:

Ohhhh he’s so cute! Couldn’t you just eat him…..

PHOEBE:

Mmmmm with a little tartare sauce, and a green salad….

CHANDLER:

Quick, someone get this woman another steak!

(Everyone crowds round various babies, making coo coo noises, except Chandler, who can’t bend down to look)

CHANDLER:

Okay, can someone hold one up for me??

(Cut to a shot of Phoebe, with Rachel and Monica, the others are too engrossed in the othet babies to be listening)

MONICA:

And How are you feeling?

PHOEBE:

Oh fine fine…….

MONICA:

Are you sure?

(A POV shot from Phoebe showing Alice and Frank, being all parenty, really loving having the babies to fuss over, for 3 seconds, before we cut back to Phoebe

PHOEBE:

Yeah, ….. yeah! I’m fine! I mean, I thought that it would be difficult to give the little babies up when it came round to it, you know, but look at them (Phoebe smiles, cut to a shot of Frank doing something stupid), they’re so great as parents, I’m leaving them in the best possible hands. I was scared you know, I thought giving up the babies, and leaving them with someone else, what happened to me could happen to them. But they’re so great, so loving and caring….. and it’s not as if I’m never going to see them again, I’m their aunt Phoebe, I’ll be like the spare parent, three of us caring about them sooo much. Three Parents spoiling them rotten. They’re going to be the best loved babies ever!

RACHEL:

Awwwww Phoeebs!

(Monica and Rachel hug Phoebe, and the camera Pulls out slowly onto the whole room)

(Cut to a shot of a hospital hallway, Joey and Chandler are walking along the hall, Joey is wearing his hat and coat, Chandler in his Neck Brace.)

JOEY:

Seriously, where do I get one of those? I mean it’s like ….. a huge collar!

CHANDLER:

Well spotted Joe!

(All of a sudden, a man is wheeled out of a room, face down on a gurney, in complete agony, with a towel covered portion, which would be his ass looking very swollen! Joey goes up and talks to him)

JOEY:

Hey man, what’s wrong?

MR WILLIAMS:

Damn stoopid doctors. I came in here with constipation! Waiting for an operation! All of a sudden, one of these geniuses decides to give me a barium enema! Now they have to whisk me into a surgery otherwise my whole bowels will explode!

(Joey suddenly realising who this man is, suddenly looks shifty and tries to slip away)

JOEY:

Ohhh that’s bad man, well see ya!

(Joey taps the mans swollen butt as he leaves, Mr Williams screams in pain!)

JOEY:

Oh sorry man!