Written By: Geraint Evans
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Introduction: This fanfic takes place in Season 7, after 'The One Where Rosita Dies.' This is my first fanfic, so I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to email me with your comments.
Scene 1 - Joey and Rachel's Apartment (Joey and Rachel enter through the door with two pizza boxes. Joey is in a hurry to get his open.)
Joey: All right come on, I'm starving!
Rachel: Joey, how can you be this hungry already? We had lunch at Ross' just an hour ago! (She shuts the door behind her.)
Joey: Was it really that long ago? Man, I gotta get me some cheesy goodness! (He says the last part like 'There's always room for jello'.)
Rachel: OK Joe? First: Cheesy goodness? Eww! And second, yes it was just an hour ago, how could you be hungry?
Joey: Well, we walked all the way back from Ross' place...
Rachel: It's across the street!
Joey: ...via the pizza place...
Rachel: Also in this street.
Joey: ...and besides, Ross is such a terrible cook that I only ate the bread at dinner and gave my stew to his Ficus plant.
Rachel: (Laughing.) Oh, I know what you mean. When he wasn't looking I went to the bathroom and flushed mine away. I think I may have blocked his toilet.
Joey: (Laughs along and then suddenly stops.) OK enough talking, this pizza's getting cold!
(They both take a large slice of pizza and bite into it.)
Both: Mmmmm... (Their faces slowly turn from pleasure to horror, and they both cough the pizza out into their napkins. It is not good.)
Rachel: Oh my God! That's the worst pizza ever, Joey! (Trying to get his attention.) Joey! Joey?
(We turn to see Joey is catatonic, looking very upset indeed.)
Joey: Bad...pizza? (Mumbles incoherently, and slowly slides off his stool and sits on the floor rocking back and forth.)
Rachel: Joey? Honey? (Waves her hand in front of his face as he starts sobbing like a child and we cut to...)
Scene 2 - Still in Joey and Rachel's apartment, but an hour later.
(Joey is now lying flat out on the recliner. Rachel is at the foot of the chair trying different things to get Joey's attention.)
Rachel: OK Joey, how about a beer huh? (She takes one from the chair fridge, opens it and waves it under his nose, but he makes no reaction.) Take the nasty pizza taste away? No? All right, what if I had some beer huh? Joe? What if I, Rachel, drank some of your beer? Wouldn't that get you angry? (She swigs back some of the beer, Joey makes a noise like he's about to get angry but it turns out to be a sorrowful wail.)
Joey: Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! (He turns face down into the chair and cries like we've never seen him do before.)
Rachel: Oh God, Joey! (Realising this is getting desperate she tries something drastic.) OK one more try. Joe, I'm taking my shirt off. (Joey's head comes up off the chair with a look of anticipation on his face, but he's not facing Rachel.) That's right, it's coming right off! (She undoes the top button, and as Joey turns over to see she sits on his lap. Coincidentally, Chandler and Monica choose this moment to make an entrance.)
Monica: Rach? We heard you crying, what's wroOh my God! (As she sees Rachel, shirt open, canoodling with Joey.)
Rachel: Whoa! (Jumps out of the chair, rapidly trying to do the buttons up and Joey rolls over in the chair and starts crying again.) Um...first, this is most definitely not what it looks like OK? And second, it wasn't me crying, it was this big baby here! (She kicks Joey's foot.)
Joey: Aaaaaaaah! My fooooooooot!
Chandler: Joe, what's up buddy? (Picking up a slice of pizza as he talks.) You didn't lose to Ben at Kerplunk again did you?
Rachel: No he's just upset because we got some pizza...
Chandler: This pizza?
Rachel: Yes, (Chandler takes a bite of the pizza.) and it turns out...
Chandler: (Coughing and spluttering.) This is the worst pizza ever! Where did you get this?
Rachel: We went to that new place just down from Ross' building.
Chandler: No no no no no! Not Carlos'?
Rachel: Yeah I think so, why?
Chandler: That guy has the worst pizza! I had some with Ross last week, and Ross got so sick, we had to miss one of his lectures. What am I saying? This is the greatest pizza in the world!
Rachel: Well you could have warned us!
Chandler: Yes, it was insensitive of me to not even know you were going for pizza!
Monica: So Joey has been in that chair ever since you got back?
Monica: How long ago was that?
Rachel: I don't know, an hour maybe?
Chandler: (Drinking some of the beer.) Ugh! It's like eating recycled cardboard with a wallpaper paste topping!
Rachel: Exactly, and now Joey thinks that it's ruined pizza for him forever, and he's swearing he'll never eat it again.
Monica: Oh my God! Have you tried to snap him out of it?
Rachel: That's what I was trying to do when you walked in. (Monica gives her a look that says 'You'd better explain that really well'.) Things were getting desperate you know? So I did the only thing I could think of that Joey likes more than pizza.
Chandler: No way! You two didn't...
Rachel: Oh God, no Chandler! I just thought that if I could make him think that, then it might make him come round.
Monica: Here, let me try. Joey? How about I make you a pizza? You can have anything you want on it, I promise.
Joey: (He looks up, happier.) Really?
Monica: Sure, let me go warm up the oven and we'll get started OK?
Joey: Thanks Mon, you're the best.
Monica: Ohhhh, I know! (She exits across the hall, Joey gets up and follows her, and Rachel and Chandler are left.)
Chandler: Say Rach. I'm feeling kind of upset over that pizza too. Could you...? (He jumps on to the chair.)
Rachel: Get the hell out of my chair.
Chandler: You got it. (He goes back to his apartment, and then a moment later puts his head back around the door.) Um, could you not mention this to Monica?
Rachel: Oh get out of here! (He does so.)
(Rachel picks up the pizza boxes.)
Rachel: Well I suppose I'd better get these down the trash chute. Ugh what a waste of a perfectly good six bucks. (N.B. I'm not American, but that's cheap and nasty for two pizzas right?)
(The phone begins to ring.)
Rachel: Oh, damn it. (She replaces the boxes on the counter and picks up the phone. We only hear the conversation from her side.) Hello? Oh hey Pheebs. (Pause.) Whoa, what's the matter hon? OK, OK deep breaths Pheebs. Take it easy, tell me what happened. (Pause.) Oh my God. (Rachel is stunned by what she's just heard.)
Scene 3 - Ross' Apartment (He is clearing up after dinner.)
Ross: Wow, those guys must have really enjoyed their food! Joey's plate is practically clean! Well if it's that good, maybe I'll make some more for my date with Diane tonight. (He walks out to his kitchen and we zoom in on his ficus, which is turning brown and wilting as we watch.)
Scene 4 - Chandler and Monica's (Monica and Joey are in the kitchen, Chandler is reading a book.)
Monica: For the last time Joey, you are not having meatballs on this pizza! Think of the mess it'll make in my oven!
Joey: You promised! You said I could have any topping I wanted, and I choose meatballs!
Monica: Well guess what? Not happening Joe!
Joey: You are just the meanest chef ever!
(Rachel walks in amongst the arguing holding the phone.)
Rachel: Guys shut up for a second. Phoebe just called; I've got some bad news.
Everyone: (Ad libs.) What's wrong? Etc.
Rachel: Well she was on her way back from the store, when some guy whacked her and stole her purse!
Rachel: She's in a cab now; she's on her way over.
Monica: Oh my God, poor Phoebe!
Joey: Man! Although, I do feel sorry for the guy who whacked her.
Monica & Rachel: What? Joey!
Joey: Oh yeah, cos when I get a hold of him he's gonna wish he'd never been born!
Rachel: That's sweet Joey, but unfortunately these sort of things hardly ever get solved.
Chandler: Did she get a good look at him?
Rachel: I don't know. She was so upset; I couldn't get much out of her.
Monica: I don't know how that sort of person can live with themselves. (She turns around to see Joey licking tomato sauce off his fingers.) Joey! (She runs over and punches him hard in the shoulder.)
Chandler: Or with anybody else!
Joey: OW! You know what Mon? Forget the pizza OK? I'm going downstairs to wait for Phoebe, see ya. (He exits the apartment.)
Monica: (Shouting after him.) Oh yeah? Well don't try coming back here expecting pizza you, you... I don't know.
Chandler: (Hugging Monica.) You know for a moment there I thought we almost had him back. Now he's probably gone off to live in a cave somewhere. (Monica pushes him away.) You know what, I think I'll go for a walk as well.
Monica: Good idea. (Chandler goes out the front door.)
Scene 5 - Ross' Apartment (Ross is preparing dinner for his date with Diane.)
Ross: (Apparently emptying packets at random.) ...and just a tablespoon of mustard...there, that should do it. (He lifts the pan and pours the mixture into a large, plastic serving bowl in the centre of the table. There is loads of it. It is not a pretty sight and makes a disgusting noise as well. There is a knock at the door.)
Ross: Ah-ha! Right on time. (He puts the pan in the kitchen and goes to answer the door. There is a striking brunette standing there in a figure-hugging white dress. Picture Roxann Dawson from Star Trek: Voyager but minus the forehead.) Diane, hi! You look terrific!
Diane: Thanks. Wow, you have a really nice place here.
Ross: Thank you. Come in, come in. (He closes the door.) Well, I hope you're feeling hungry, because I have plenty of food.
Diane: Oh great! Yeah I'm really hungry. I've been starving myself for a week to get into this dress.
Ross: Ha ha ha ha ha! (Laughing way too much and way too loud. Diane looks mildly freaked. He notices and stops laughing.) That was a joke right? It's OK to laugh...right?
Diane: Yes I was just joking.
Ross: OK (phew), please have a seat. (He holds her chair out for her.)
Diane: Thank you very much.
Ross: (Picking up a bottle.) Would you like some wine?
Diane: Yes, please. That would be lovely. (Ross pours two glasses, and then picks up an enormous ladle.)
Ross: OK, who's for stew?
Diane: Yes please. Did you make it yourself ?
Ross: I most certainly did. (He spoons out a huge mound of this ugly brown sludge into Diane's bowl, she tries to hide that she's pretty much revolted.)
Diane: Wow, that looks...tasty. (She looks like she's trying to keep her head out of range of the smell.)
Ross: Doesn't it? (He spoons some out for himself as well and sits down.)
Diane: (Stares into her bowl, trying to work out what this is meant to be. Bravely she decides to take a mouthful.) Uh...so what's in it all together?
Ross: Um, well it's beef marinated in mustard and fried for half an hour, and there's some crushed mustard seed, tomatoes, some wine and finally some English mustard just for some pep.
Diane: Wow, liking that mustard huh? (By her face we can see she is hating the stew but trying to hide it.)
Ross: (Digging in like it was his last meal ever.) Well I do find it adds some flavour, most things just taste bland otherwise.
Diane: (Half to herself.) Maybe it killed off your taste buds, that's why.
Diane: (Out loud.) Uh, Ross? I have a little confession to make.
Ross: (Kind of saucy.) Oh really? And what would that be?
Diane: I'm allergic to mustard.
Ross: (Not what he was expecting to hear.) Oh. Oh well that's OK, I mean....
Diane: Look I'm really sorry, God this is embarrassing but it makes me have to go...well you know...(She nods towards the bathroom.)
Ross: Oh, I'm so sorry, I really should have checked with you first. I can make you something else if you want.
Diane: (A bit too quickly.) NO! I mean, no thank you. This all looks really, really great, (She's lying.) but to be honest I'm not really that hungry anyway. I was just looking forward to seeing you.
Ross: (Incredulous.) Really?
Diane: Yeah, so what do you say we just take the wine and move over to the couch?
Ross: (A bit too eager.) Oh yeah. (They get up and move over to the couch.)
Diane: Oh, you didn't make the wine yourself did you?
Ross: No, why?
Diane: No reason. (She drinks some, then kisses Ross. We can see in the background the plant is now blackened and completely dead.)
Scene 6 - The lobby of Monica's building. (Joey is kicking around waiting for Phoebe. He's mad.)
Joey: Man, I can't believe this day. First Ross tries to kill me with his cooking, then the whole pizza thing, (He clears a tear from his eye and sniffs before shaking himself out of it.) and now Phoebe's been mugged! I am so mad, I don't think anything could cheer me up. (He sees something on the floor.) Ooh! A quarter! (He picks it up.)
(Phoebe buzzes the front door and Monica opens it from upstairs.)
(Joey notices her coming in and rushes over to meet her, she has a cracking black eye and has obviously been crying but now she's just mad.)
Joey: Hey Pheebs. Oh God, your eye! (He hugs her and kisses her forehead.)
Phoebe: Hey Joe, nice to see a friendly face.
Joey: Look, I was going to head over to Ross' place, do you wanna come?
Phoebe: Well actually, I kinda wanted to see the girls.
Joey: Oh trust me Pheebs, nobody can do a thing right up there today, you should just come with me.
Phoebe: Oh, is Monica drunk again?
Joey: Well not when I left, but maybe soon.
Phoebe: OK then, I guess I could hang with the guys while she sobers up.
Joey: Great, then you can tell me what happened on the way over. (They start walking down the street to Ross' building.)
Phoebe: OK, so I was out shopping for groceries, and just as I was getting to my door this guy just came out of nowhere and tried taking my purse!
Joey: Oh my God, what did you do?
Phoebe: Well, luckily it was trapped by the shopping bags so he had to try and pull it. But I wouldn't let him pull it. Se there we were in the middle of the street pulling at this handbag, looking like we were doing the frickin' hokey pokey or something, and that's when he hit me.
Joey: So you got a good look at him then? You'd know him if you saw him again?
Phoebe: Oh yeah, definitely.
Joey: So what does he look like?
Phoebe: Seriously cute.
Joey: What? Phoebe, this guy attacked you, OK? I am not going to go find him, just to ask him for his number for you!
Phoebe: Yeah, it's a shame he's a mugger, cos otherwise...(She growls sexily.)
Joey: So Phoebe, getting back to reality for a sec, was there anything valuable in your purse?
Phoebe: Isn't there always? (They both nod.) Of course, you and I both know that that's not where I keep my money. (She glances briefly downwards and Joey nods and smiles dreamily then shakes himself out of it.) But I was taking Archimedes for a walk.
Phoebe: Yeah, Archimedes, you know my goldfish. I put him in a bag of water and took him shopping to show him what the village looks like, and now he's gone forever!
Joey: Oh Pheebs, I'm sorry. Look, I'll get you a new fish, OK?
Phoebe: Thanks Joey, that's really sweet.
Joey: Yeah that's me alright. Just out of interest though Pheebs, why's your fish called Archimedes?
Phoebe: Well, duh! Because he keeps jumping out of his bowl!
Joey: Ah! (As they continue walking towards camera we see that Joey really doesn't get the reference.)
Scene 7- Ross' apartment (The lights are down and Ross and Diane are making out on the couch.)
Diane: You know I've really enjoyed myself tonight Ross.
Ross: Really? I thought after the stew you'd probably think the night sucked.
Diane: Not at all, I'm having a great time. I'd really like to see more of you.
Ross: Well that would be great! What are you doing on the weekend?
Diane: No, I mean I would really like to see more of you.
Ross: (Finally gets what she is implying.) Ohh! Well, uh, yeah. I would like to see more of you too.
Diane: I'm just gonna go use your bathroom. Don't go anywhere. (She kisses him passionately and heads for the bathroom.)
Ross: That mustard repeating on you huh?
Diane: (Smiles weakly and exits.)
Ross: (To himself.) Wow! I can't believe this! This is the best date I've had in months. Just don't blow it OK? Don't say anything stupid, just be yourself and nothing will happen that could ruin this for you.
(We hear the sound of a toilet being flushed, followed by the almighty rushing of what sounds like a geyser erupting, followed by Diane screaming.)
Ross: Diane? Are you OK? (Alarmed, he gets up from the couch and heads towards the bathroom, only to be greeted by Diane, dripping wet and her lovely white dress covered in the stew that Rachel flushed earlier.)
Diane: I think...I'd better leave.
Ross: No, you don't have to...we'll just get you out of that dress and dry you off. I mean you were going to take it off anyway right? So it doesn't really matter...
Diane: (She holds up her hands to silence him.) I'm going. (She turns, opens the door and leaves.)
Ross: (Shouts after her.) OK, well I'll call you. (Realises she's not listening and goes back inside.) Man, what the hell? (He looks into the bathroom and can't believe what he's seeing.) Is this apartment cursed or something? Am I doomed to become the next Ugly Naked Guy?
Phoebe: Nah, you look really good naked. (She's standing in the doorway with Joey.)
Ross: Oh hey you guys. Pheebs, what happened to your eye?
Phoebe: Oh, someone stole my fish Archimedes.
Ross: Uh, OK. So why is he called Archimedes?
Phoebe: Uh. You too? Because he keeps jumping out of his bowl!
Ross: Oh that's a good one!
(Ross and Phoebe laugh, and Joey joins in but he still doesn't get it.)
Ross: (To Joey.) You have no idea why that's funny do you?
Joey: Not a clue.
Phoebe: Hey we saw a strange thing on the way up here.
Ross: Yeah, what was that?
Phoebe: This woman ran past us soaked to the skin, and covered in what looked like...
Phoebe: Well actually I was going to say...
Joey: (Interrupting right on cue.) I thought I recognised that smell! Did she come from your place?
Ross: Yeah, yet another failed date. What I don't understand though, is how all that stew ended up in my toilet.
Phoebe: In the toilet?
Joey: Huh. Yeah that certainly is a mystery.
Ross: The only other people who have tasted it were you and Rachel and you finished yours.
Joey: (Falsely.) Oh yeah. Mmmmm. It was great.
Ross: Well there's plenty left over if you want to finish it off.
Joey: (Looking worried.) Really?
Ross: Yeah, help yourself. You know, now I come to think of it, I saw you eat some of yours, but I never actually saw Rachel eat any.
Joey: Oh, but she did. Yeah, loved it.
Ross: (Realising.) No, she never actually did. I think I know what's happened here. I'll see you guys later, I need to have a talk with someone. (He fetches a container from the kitchen, fills it with the stew then leaves. A few seconds later he puts his head back round the door.)
Ross: Um...Phoebe? How do you know what I look like naked?
Phoebe: I just have a really good imagination. (Closes her eyes and smiles, imagining.)
Ross: (Smiles too, then looks a bit freaked and leaves.)
Phoebe: Well this has really cheered me up! I think I'm going to head home and put some ice on this (Points at her head.) and get some sleep.
Joey: Are you sure you'll be OK going home on your own?
Phoebe: Yeah, I'll be fine. I'll just walk to the corner and take a cab.
Joey: OK, well at least let me pay for the cab. (He searches his pockets) Oh. Except I don't have any money. (He finds something in his pocket) Oh, here. Have my lucky quarter.
Phoebe: Wow! Thanks Joey!
Joey: No problem. Hey, nothing's too good for my girl.
Phoebe: And I am.
Joey: Am what?
Phoebe: Your girl.
Joey: Damn right! (They hug, and it's one of those moments when everyone is screaming at the TV for them to get together, but again they don't.)
Phoebe: OK, so I'm going now.
Joey: See you later Pheebs. (She leaves.)
Joey: Phew, there goes one special lady. (Notices the enormous bowl of stew on the table.) Eeuch. How can he even eat this stuff? I'd better get rid of this so he thinks I ate it. (He picks up the bowl, looks around for somewhere to put it and notices the window is open.) Ah-ha. I don't think the fire escape will mind getting a bit dirty. (He throws it all out of the window and it misses the fire escape by a clear 8 feet.) Whoops.
Scene 8 - A set of steps, street level, Ross' building. (A guy is sitting on the steps looking through a selection of handbags: it is the mugger.)
Mugger: Well, let's see what we've got here then. Couple of purses. Ooh nice watch! Goldfish?
(Suddenly Phoebe is approaching and we see the mugger from her viewpoint.)
(The mugger looks up to see Phoebe storming towards him.)
(Just before he is hit by a rampaging Pheebs, he is hit from above by a bowl-load of stew.)
Mugger: What the hell? (Pheebs barges into him, screaming, and they go flying out of shot.)
(Archimedes goes shooting upwards and on the way back down is caught by Chandler on the way back from his walk. Off screen we hear punch sound effects, plus Phoebe shouting and the mugger in pain.)
Chandler: What the...Archimedes? Hey little buddy! Man you jumped really far this time! Right across the village actually. (Sees Phoebe laying into the mugger.) Oh, hey Pheebs. Is that the guy that mugged you?
Phoebe: (She is sitting on the mugger's chest.) Oh hi Chandler! Yeah, this is him. I'm only hitting his chest though, it would be a shame to mess up a face this pretty.
Mugger: Thank you!
Phoebe: Shut up fishnapper! (She punches him again.)
Chandler: (Walking over to the mugger.) You know pal, I think you have someone to apologise to. (He holds the bag containing Archimedes over the guy's face.)
Mugger: Oh come on man, don't be ridi... (He sees Phoebe raise her fist and gives in) OK. I'm sorry Fish. Can I go now?
Phoebe: No. First, you and me are going to return all this stuff you've stolen. Then you are going to give me your phone number...
Joey: (Watching from upstairs.) Phoebe!
Phoebe: (Shouting upwards.) OK, OK! See you Chandler. Look after my fish?
Chandler: Sure thing Pheebs. (Phoebe drags the mugger away across the sidewalk.)
Phoebe: Come on fishnapper.
Mugger: My name is Ronnie.
Phoebe: OK, come on Ronnie Fishnapper. (They exit. Chandler smiles and walks off in the other direction.)
Scene 9 - Joey and Rachel's apartment (Rachel is in her dressing gown, sitting down with a magazine. There is a knock at the door.)
Rachel: Coming! (She heads to the door and opens it. Ross is there with his hands behind his back.) Oh hi Ross! Come on in.
Ross: Thank you. Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks for coming to lunch today.
Rachel: Oh, no problem. I really enjoyed it.
Rachel: Yeah, that stew was delicious.
Ross: (Noting that she is in her dressing gown.) Oh, I'm sorry, were you getting ready for bed?
Rachel: No, actually you just caught me heading for a shower.
Ross: Oh really? That's probably quite a good thing.
Rachel: Oh yeah? Why's that?
Ross: (Reveals what he's been holding behind his back, it's the container of stew, which he promptly upends over Rachel's head.)
Rachel: (In complete shock.) Wh...Wh...Wh...
(Ross simply smiles to himself and walks out the door.)