The One Where Phoebe Becomes a Fortune Teller

Written by: Nicholas Davies

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Phoebe and Chandler are playing cards, Joey is watching TV in his chair.]

Phoebe: Ummm, OK, you got any threes? (Before Chandler says anything, she reaches for the pile between them)

Chandler: W-w-whoa, Pheebs. Isn’t it traditional to wait for the person to answer you before you go fish?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, but see, you have that smudge of toothpaste on your mouth, so I knew you didn’t have any, and I just went ahead.

Chandler: That doesn’t make any sense!

Phoebe: Yeah it does! Toothpaste smudge, no threes! Duh!

Chandler: OK, well, you’re wearing a red top; that means you have two sixes!

Phoebe: Well now, that’s just silly!

Chandler: And your theory makes more sense because...?

Phoebe: Alright, do you have any threes?

Chandler: (hopefully) Yes?

Phoebe: OK, no, pay up.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is telling Monica and Joey about Phoebe]

Chandler: I’m telling you, she’s never wrong! Maybe her thing about being a psychic isn’t just wishful thinking.

Monica: Chandler, it was probably a lucky guess. I mean, she only had a one in thirteen chance of being wrong. Less, if she had any threes.

Joey: (baffled) How did you figure that out?

Monica: (she treats Joey nicely, but you can tell she thinks he’s stupid) Well, there are four threes in a deck, so that’s a four in fifty-two chance, which is the same as one in thirteen. (Joey doesn’t understand)

Joey: Yeah, well...Hey! Chandler, why did you even ask Phoebe to prove you had threes when you actually did?

Chandler: (after a moment of thought) You know, that never occurred to me.

Joey: (to Monica, exasperated with Chandler) You slept with this guy?

Monica: Well, you live with him! (Phoebe enters)

Phoebe: Oh, hi, you were just talking about me.

Chandler: You see?

Monica: (amazed) Phoebe, how did you know that?

Phoebe: (To Monica) Well, see the way your shirt sleeve almost covers your watch but not quite? That means that I’m on your mind. And how your mouths were all moving a second ago? (she demonstrates) That means that you guys were talking.

Joey: OK, I get the mouths thing...

Chandler: (Sarcastically) Hey, you’re a psychic too!

Joey: ...but what does Monica’s watch have to do with anything?

Phoebe: Well, I don’t know..I just always seemed to know these things.

Chandler: Pheebs, have you ever considered becoming a fortune teller?

Joey: Or maybe one of those hotline psychics?

Phoebe: (gasps) Hey, that’s a great idea!

Chandler: (modest) Oh, well....

Phoebe: Not you; Joey! I mean those hotlines charge, like, two dollars per minute! The psychics must make great money! (she realizes something and sighs) Oh, but I have to be able to see the people to figure out what’s up with them; I can’t do it over the phone! (she sighs again) I guess I’ll have to settle for a regular fortune teller. Oh, by the way, where do you apply for a job as a fortune teller?

Chandler: (shrugging) A carnival?

Joey: (shrugs) Sounds good.

Monica: Pheebs, why don’t you try being self-employed?

Phoebe: Ummm, OK, that wouldn’t work ‘cause me paying me would leave me right where me started.

Monica: No, I mean, like, maybe open your own store somewhere. A fortune telling store!

Phoebe: (she nods) Uh-huh, and with what money would I do that?

Monica: Well, why don’t you give free readings at the coffee house, and then you can set up a stand somewhere...

Chandler: Ahh, like a nine-year-old’s lemonade stand.

Monica: (ignoring Chandler) Then, people will see how great you are, and you can jack up the price, and then, when you have enough cash, you can get your own shop!

Phoebe: Okay, that sounds good, but if the people already know how good I am, what would be the point of wasting money on a store? I mean, it seems to me that the stand is pretty sufficient.

Joey: Yeah, what’ve you got against Phoebe’s stand?

Monica: Nothing, I just thought that an actual store would be more professional.

Chandler: Quit dissing the stand! (Monica puts her hands up as if to say, "OK, OK, I’m backing off.")

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel is flipping through a magazine, Joey and Ross are watching basketball]

Rachel: (looking up from her magazine) Don’t you think that Michael Jordan is getting a little old for basketball?

Ross: Rach, he retired.

Rachel: (confused) Oh..well then, who’s that big guy trying to keep up with the others?

Joey: That’s Patrick Ewing!

Ross & Joey: (as they roll their eyes) Women.

Rachel: Well, hey, hey! I bet you two are so dumb you can’t even name the seven dwarves!

Joey: From "Snow White?"

Rachel: Yup.

Ross: Well, let’s see: there’s Happy..

Joey: And Dopey.

Ross: Ummm....Sneezy!

Rachel: OK, four more.

Joey: Ummm....Sexy?

Rachel: No, no. There is no sexy dwarf.

(Ross and Joey furrow their brows in deep thought, then Joey jumps up, very enthusiastic)

Joey: We have four more dwarves?

Rachel: That’s right.

Joey: Scary, Sporty, Baby, and Posh! (Rachel shakes her head)

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there.]

Joey: (still trying to name the dwarves) Stupid.....Ugly......Gassy....

Chandler: Gassy? Does he do that thing that Sneezy does, where all the dwarves run up to him and cover his ass, but then he...

Monica: (Desperate to stop Chandler and put Joey out of his misery) OK Joey, the seven dwarves are...

Rachel: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, Monica! No helping! Joey and Ross have to get this on their own!

Ross: Actually, Rachel, I really don’t care.

Joey: Aww, man; come on, Ross! I was counting on you!

Ross: Sorry, but it doesn’t mean all that much to me.

Phoebe: Oh, yes it does!

Ross: No, it doesn’t.

Phoebe: You can’t fool me. Don’t think I can’t see half-empty coffee cup! You’re really stressed over this.

(Ross is near tears)

Ross: You’re right! What kind of an idiot am I? Only a moron doesn’t know the seven dwarves!

Joey: Hey, it’s OK, Ross. I don’t know them either.

(there’s a pause)

Ross: (starts sobbing) Only a moron doesn’t know the seven dwarves!

(Joey is offended, but only slightly)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there; Monica is entering]

Monica: So Chandler, I was going to go to the video store. Do you wanna come?

Chandler: Sure, let’s go rent a movie.

Rachel: Hey you guys, everyone knows about you now; you don’t have to pretend you’re not doing it.

Chandler: Alright, let’s go have sex. (Rachel shudders)

Rachel: OK, y’know, that just totally grosses me out. Keep pretending.

(Chandler and Monica leave the room.)

Joey: (getting up suddenly) Oh oh, Rach! I got the last four dwarves! They’re John, Paul, George, and Ringo!

Rachel: No, no; those are the Beatles.

Joey: Are you sure it’s not Snow White and the Seven Beatles?

Rachel: Yeah Joey, I’m pretty sure. (Joey looks defeated, then starts to open his mouth.) Don’t even try the Monkees. (Joey looks defeated again; Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hi, everyone! I just talked to Gunther, and he said I could give my free readings tomorrow.

Rachel: That’s great Pheebs!

Joey: (glum) Yeah, great.

Phoebe: Ew, what’s up with him?

Rachel: Oh, he’s just mad ‘cause he can’t name the seven dwarves.

Phoebe: Ugh, still? OK, Joey; I’ll give you a hint. (Joey turns towards Phoebe) OK, think Bugs Bunny....Bugs Bunny....What’s up *blank*?

Joey: Oh, Elmer! (Phoebe shakes her head) Tweety? (she shakes her head again) Daffy?

Phoebe: OK, you’re a hopeless cause. (Joey gets all depressed again.)

Rachel: So Pheebs, do you need any kind of wardrobe to be a fortune teller? The store is still open, and I can go back in to get you some stuff.

Phoebe: Oh, that’d be great! I was thinking, like a turban or something like that, and then maybe some kind of big, floppy, shiny dress.

Rachel: Y’know, I don’t think Bloomingdales carries stuff like that. Why don’t we try a costume shop?

Phoebe: OK, whatever.

Joey: (jumping up suddenly) Oh, I have one!

Rachel: What? A turban and floppy dress?

Joey: No, a dwarf! Sleepy!

Rachel: (shocked) Actually, you’re right, Joey! Do you know the other three?

Joey: Ummm.....Curly, Moe, and Larry?

Rachel: (she’s lost her faith in Joey) OK Pheebs, let’s go.

Phoebe: OK. (She turns to Joey) Oh, and by the way, I thought you hit the nail right on the head with Curly. (Phoebe and Rachel exit, Joey is pleased with himself.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, after Monica and Chandler...y’know. They’re talking to each other lovingly.]

Monica: Oh, I love you.

Chandler: I love you too. (They kiss)

Monica: OK, I’m going to clean up this mess (she looks around at the clothes in the floor and makes a face.)

Chandler: OK. I have to take a shower.

(Monica picks up the clothes and puts them in the laundry basket and goes into the hallway to put the clothes in the chute. She opens it up and dumps the clothes in.

Chandler: (from inside) Oh, and if you put the clothes in the basket, be careful of the chick. She likes to sleep in there.

(Monica looks at the basket, realizes the chick is gone, and looks, horrified, into the laundry chute).

Commerical Break

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is wearing her fortune teller outfit at a table with a long line of people to see her. Monica enters flustered.]

Monica: (whispering to Phoebe) Is Joey here?

Phoebe: No, and you better be glad. Murderer!

Monica: Y’know, your psychic thing is getting to be a pain. (as she says this next part, Joey walks up behind her) And anyway, I didn’t murder anyone, I just dropped the chick down the laundry chute. (Joey gasps, scaring Monica and making her scream.)

Joey: You dropped the chick down the laundry chute? Why were you taking the laundry from our room...(realizes what she was doing and smiles) Oh... (back on subject) Didn’t you see her?

Monica: No; it’s a white basket, white chick, she blended in! Look, the important thing is that the chick could be spinning in the dryer right now.

Phoebe: (yelling over from her table) No, no. She’d still be in the washer. Which isn’t so bad. (thinks for a minute) She can swim, right?

Joey: (angry) That’s the duck!

Phoebe: Sorry, anyone can get them confused.

Joey: (to Monica) Why aren’t you back there searching for the chick?

Monica: I just didn’t want to be there when Chandler realized she was gone!

Joey: Mon, what was Chandler doing when you left?

Monica: Taking a shower; why?

(Just then, Chandler runs in, all wet, in a bathrobe, and in a panic)

Chandler: The chick is missing! The chick is missing! (Joey gives Monica a look)

Monica: Oh, all right. Chandler, I accidentally dropped her down the laundry chute.

Chandler: (shocked) What? I told you to be careful!

Monica: Yeah, after I dropped her! Look, why don’t we go back to the laundry room and help her.

Chandler: OK, but I’m not putting out for another week. (whispering to Monica) And by that I mean another day. (They walk out with Joey.)

[Scene: The laundry room, Chandler (still in a bathrobe), Joey, and Monica are searching frantically for the chick]

(They notice a commotion coming from one of the washing machines. Chandler opens it, and the chick comes flying out in a frenzy. Chandler and Joey both jump and try to catch her. Monica waits patiently for the chick to run out of momentum, then picks her up off the ground)

Monica: Don’t you know that chickens can’t fly for more than a few seconds? (Joey and Chandler look at each other and shrug)

Joey: All right, let’s go up and make sure the duck’s OK. (Realizes something, the next part is in his head) Duck-Doc! Doc! Doc is a dwarf! Doc! That’s what Phoebe meant by Bugs Bunny! (he runs out, leaving Chandler and Monica look at each other, very confused)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Rachel and Phoebe are discussing the fortune-telling]

Rachel: Pheebs, you were great! You really freaked out all those people; especially that lady who didn’t know her daughter was a stripper!

Phoebe: Yeah, well, I figured it was either me or Ricki Lake, y’know, so I decided to spare her the embarrassment of beingon national television.

Rachel: Well actually Pheebs, there was a camera crew from CBS there.

Phoebe: (surprised) Oh, there was? (suddenly worried) Did my hair look OK?

Rachel: You were wearing a turban.

Phoebe: (relieved) Oh, good. It would have been so humiliating if it was all messed up.

(Ross enters holding a box, his hair is tousled, his clothes are torn; basically: he looks very sloppy.)

Phoebe: Oh, see, like that. (she points to Ross)

Rachel: (getting up) What happened to you?

Ross: Oh, I got trampled by a bunch of animal rights activists ‘cause they thought I was carrying a dog fur. But (he grins in anticipation) it was a live dog! (he pulls a puppy out of the box. Rachel and Phoebe run up and start fussing over the dog).

Rachel: Oh, he’s (she looks between the dog’s legs to check something) SHE’s so cute!

Phoebe: Oh yeah, totally! Isn’t this kind of sudden though?

Ross: Well yeah, but y’know, I haven’t had a pet since Marcel, and they were gonna put this puppy to sleep, so I just took her home. AND she’s house-broken and has all her shots from her previous family.

Rachel: Have you named her yet?

Ross: Well actually, I thought I would name her after one of my best friends.

Rachel: Oh, me?

Phoebe: (she snorts) Fat chance. He wants to name it Marcella. (Ross stares at her in shock, so she explains) You’re wearing a blue jacket.

Ross & Rachel: Oh!

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is watching Phoebe finish up a song.]

Phoebe: And that’s why I like butter! (everyone applauds) Thank you! Oh, for those of you who were astounded and amazed by my fortune-telling yesterday, I’ll be doing it again today. Oh oh, only today, it’s one dollar for a reading. (a line of about ten to fifteen people forms by Phoebe’s table as she puts on her turban. She sits down; to the first client:) OK, you talk in your sleep.

Client: Hey, how did you know that?

Phoebe: Oh, a fortune teller never gives away her psychic sources. Let’s keep going. Ooooh, you’re going to have an affair with another woman.

Client: (angry) Hey, that’ll never happen. I love my wife AND KIDS very much!

Phoebe: Yeah I know, but still, this girl is really hot!

Client #1: All right, when is this alleged affair supposed to happen?

Phoebe: I don’t know; let me see your nails. (the man looks at her strangely, but obliges) Oooo, tonight. Come by tomorrow and tel me how she was!

Client: OK, if I sleep with another woman tonight, I’ll endorse your services in my newspaper column. I have a newspaper column, by the way. (Phoebe nods) If I don’t, you have to shut your little operation down.

Phoebe: Fine, but don’t call this an operation. You make it sound like I’m dealing drugs.

[Scene: Phoebe’s apartment, Phoebe and the guy are in bed, very tired (get it?)]

Phoebe: (out of breath) So, you’ll write good things about me in your newspaper, huh?

Client: (also out of breath) Oh God, yes!

Phoebe: I meant about my fortune-telling.

Client: Oh, did I!

Phoebe: Yu-huh.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the gang is there]

Phoebe: And he’s a great guy, very cute, very smart, oh! And just a little bit married. (Everyone is shocked)

Monica: Phoebe, you slept with a married guy?

Phoebe: I didn’t mean to!

Chandler: Well, if it was an accident....

Phoebe: Anyway, what I’m more concerned about is that this guy probably thought that I predicted that he’d cheat on his wife so that I could sleep with him and get a good review.

Ross: And did you?

Phoebe: NO! But he might think so. And....oh! I feel so bad for his wife and kids! I never thought of that! (Everyone rolls their eyes)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Monica, Joey and Chandler are comforting the traumatized chick]

Joey: C’mon, just one little....What do you call the sound a chick makes?

Chandler: A cluck.

Joey: (to the chick) C’mon, just one cluck?

Chandler: Joey, when was the last time you heard this chick make a sound?

Joey: When the duck was pecking at her head. Oh! (starts poking the chick’s head repeatedly with his finger)

Monica: I think you’re annoying it.

Joey: She knows I’m only playing. (the chick bites him) Oww!!!

Monica: Well, at least she’s not freaked out any more. (she reaches over to pet the chick, who ducks her head)

Chandler: Yes she is; she’s freaked out AND pissed!

Monica: Well, maybe she doesn’t like me because I sent her down the laundry chute.

Joey: Oh yeah! (reaches down to pick her up, but the chick bites him again)

Chandler: She’s still mad at you.

Joey: Aww, come on! How long can she hold a grudge?

Chandler: Joey, when I kissed Kathy, you threatened to ignore me for five years!

Joey: But I didn’t!

Monica: So, let her be mad for a little while. It’ll pass. (tries to touch her, but again the chick avoids her) Aww, come on!

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is doing the psychic thing again.]

Phoebe: (to her client, the wife of the guy she slept with [but she doesn’t know that]) Oh, your hair is uneven. (the woman is offended) That means your husband cheated on you. (Realizes) Umm, does your husband work for a newspaper?

Woman: Yeah, how did you know that?

Phoebe: Umm, he came here and said that if my fortune was right, he’d give me a good review as a fortune-teller. And my fortune was that he’d sleep with another woman. Turns out that other woman was me.

Woman: Oh my God, you had sex with him just to get a good review?

Phoebe: Oh no! He’s smart, sensitive, kind...

Woman: I know; I’m married to him.

Phoebe: Oh, that’s right. Well anyway, I’m really sorry and...Wait a minute. Show me your palms. (she does so, and Phoebe gasps) You cheated on him too!

Woman: Look, I really regret doing it, and if you don’t tell Ben....

Phoebe: Who?

Woman: My husband.

Phoebe: Oh, is that his name? He never told me. (thinks this over) That didn’t come out right.

Woman: Well anyway, if you don’t tell him, I will totally overlook you having sex with him.

Phoebe: Hmmm, OK. Deal!

Woman: Thanks. (quietly) That actually has something to do with why I came here. Can you tell me if I’m pregnant?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey’s, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are still there. Ross enters with Marcella]

Ross: Hey, everyone! (Joey, Chandler, and Monica rush up and start creating a commotion over Marcella)

Monica: Oh my God! What a cute dog! What kind is it?

Ross: Oh, she’s a labrador mix.

Chandler: I have one question: how did this happen?

Ross: Well, they were going to put this adorable little puppy to sleep, and I figured that, y’know, I got a new apartment, I’m starting a new life, might as well get a new pet. (to Marcella) Isn’t that right Marcella? (everyone bursts into laughter)

Monica: Marcella? After Marcel?

Joey: Oh, that’s why he called it that. I thought he just liked stupid names. (thinks for a minute) Like Marcel.

Ross: It’s not stupid! It’s European!

Chandler: Actually, shes-a-peein’...... on our floor! (Ross looks at Marcella and gasps).

[Central Perk: Phoebe is a fortune-teller again. Gunther comes up to her]

Gunther: Ummm, Phoebe?

Phoebe: Yeah?

Gunther: Umm, people are complaining about you revealing their secrets to people that they shouldn’t be revealed to. I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to close down your little stand.

Phoebe: Little? (looks around at it) It’s actually pretty big. (pauses) Oh, that’s not the point, is it? (Gunther shakes his head). Oh! You know what? I can give you a free reading if you let me keep going.

Gunther: Hmmm...OK.

Phoebe: OK. (to the customers on line) This guy’s cutting the line; kay? (there’s general booing; Phoebe examines Gunther’s forhead) Ooh, someone has a crush on you! (looks inside his ear) Oh, she’s about to come in! (they both look at the door, Rachel enters. Gunther is ecstatic) Oh my God! (to Rachel) Rachel, do you like Gunther?

Rachel: Umm, no. I mean as a friend, but not in a sexual way. Sorry Gunther.

Phoebe: (looking at Gunther’s forehead again) Oh, it’s the other way around. Gunther likes Rachel! Gunther likes Rachel!

Gunther: (red with embarassment) You are out of here! (leaves in rage)

Phoebe: Hey Rachel! Gunther likes you!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, the gang minus Ross is there]

Joey: Rachel, I’ve got the dwarves! There’s Doc, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, and Bashful!

Rachel: You looked them up, didn’t you?

Joey: (he obviously did, and he tries to pretend he didn't) No... (Ross enters)

Phoebe: (to Ross) Hi! Did you find a nice home for your dog? I’m sorry, I can’t say her name ‘cause it makes me laugh, and this is a very serious time.

Ross: Yeah, I gave her to this really nice lady who breeds dogs, so I’m pretty sure she treats them OK.

Joey: Hey Ross, does this lady live on Long Island by any chance?

Ross: Yeah, why?

Joey: Oh, there was an article in the paper about a convict who escaped jail and is posing as a dog breeder.

Ross: Oh my God! Marcella! (He runs out, and Phoebe bursts into a fit of crying and laughing at the same time)

Monica: Umm, Phoebe? Are you laughing or crying?

Phoebe: I don’t know! (continues with her fit)