The One With the Nonfunctional Website

Written by: Andy1251

DISCLAIMER: These characters all belong to the NBC network and the writers of the show. This is my first fanfic, so please e-mail me with feedback. =)

[[Scene: Central Perk. The gang, minus Phoebe, sit in their usual spots.]]

MONICA: Hey, where's Phoebe?

ROSS: I don't know.

CHANDLER: You know, I remember her saying something about taking something....

RACHEL: And what exactly would that 'something' be?

CHANDLER: I don't remember, actually....

MONICA: Okay, so all we know so far is that Phoebe could either be taking a walk, or looting the department stores.

RACHEL (A little angry): She was going on a shopping raid and didn't invite me?!

[[Monica shakes her head.]]


[[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe walks in, and sits in an empty seat.]]


ALL: Hey, Phoebs. Where've you been?

PHOEBE: Oh, I went on a walk.

MONICA (Glaring at Chandler): And that was what slipped your mind?

CHANDLER: I'm sorry, Mon. We all can't be Little Miss Photographic memory!

MONICA (Slightly annoyed): Now what is that supposed to mean?

CHANDLER: You have a lovely memory, and I hope that you won't remember this later tonight, because we had something special planned!

ROSS: Okay, now I'm ready to hurl my breakfast...

JOEY: I've done that before. It wasn't a pretty sight. The girl's dress was totally ruined!

[[They all look at Joey.]]

JOEY: What?

RACHEL (Changing the subject): So, how was your walk Phoebs?

PHOEBE: Oh, it was great! Except for this weird freak following me around!

ROSS: What did you do?

PHOEBE: I turned around and talked to him....

CHANDLER: Yes, because that is what normal people do when a stranger follows them!

PHOEBE: Anyway, it turned out he was this reporter for this newspaper!

RACHEL: Really? And what did he want with you...?

PHOEBE: Okay, so I was talking to this other guy earlier, who really was a freak, and the newspaper guy overheard me, and gave me a job as a reporter!

JOEY: All this just because you talked to a freak? Nothing like that ever happens to me!

PHOEBE: Actually, it was my advice that he was interested in. I'm going to be an advice columnist!

RACHEL: Hey, you could be he next Ann Landers!

PHOEBE: Oh, God, no...

RACHEL: Why not...? Ann Landers is so nice! She's really helpful, too.

PHOEBE: I think she's a bitch.

ALL (stunned): What? Why?

PHOEBE: When I was on the streets, I wrote a letter to her, and she never responded!

CHANDLER: Did you use a fake, name...? Because those pseudonyms can be so confusing...

PHOEBE: No, I didn't use a fake name. I mean, I really needed help, and she, like just turned her back on me!

MONICA: What was the letter about?

PHOEBE: Okay, see, the night before I wrote the letter, I found a cheeseburger in a dumpster. Then this guy came up to me and said 'You know, I've always wondered if tomatoes were fruits or vegetables,' because, you know, there was a tomato on that cheeseburger. So then I said 'I think it's a fruit.' And then he said he thought it was a vegetable. And then it just got ugly.

JOEY: The letter was about that?


RACHEL: Phoebs, no offense, but I don't think that....

[[Phoebe looks at Rachel.]]

RACHEL (quickly changing what she was going to say): I don't think that Ann Landers had the time to check your letter. She's a very busy women.

PHOEBE: Yeah she's real busy....ignoring people!!


[[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is cooking, while Ross sits at the table. Chandler, Joey and Rachel watch TV.]]

MONICA: Hey, Ross, can you hand me the salt?

ROSS: Sure.

[[Ross picks up a shaker and hands it to Monica.]]

MONICA (angrily): Ross!

ROSS: What?

MONICA: This is the pepper shaker!

ROSS: How do you tell them apart? They look exactly the same!!

MONICA: No, they don't. The salt shaker has 6 holes on top. The pepper shaker has 5 holes.

CHANDLER (very sarcastic): Yeah, I can't believe you missed the holes!

MONICA: It's real simple to remember!

RACHEL: Monica, honey, I don't think Einstein himself would have known to check the number of holes.

MONICA: I use a pneumonic device to remember. See, I always remember that "S" stands for salt, and "P" stands for pepper. Then, I know that the pepper has 5 holes on top. And because of that, I know that the one with 6 holes is salt, because the letter "S" comes after "P".

[[They all look confused.]]

MONICA: See, I told you it was simple!

[[Phoebe enters the apartment.]]

ALL: Hey Phoebs.

PHOEBE: Hey. Oh! I got the material for my advice column!

JOEY: Material?

PHOEBE: Yeah, you know, the letters from the people who need advice.

ROSS: Oh, okay, that makes sense. Because when you said material I thought you meant you were going to be a stand up comedian instead.

PHOEBE: Now why on Earth would I do something like that?

CHANDLER: Have you started on any of the letters?

[[Phoebe sits down on an empty seat.]]


RACHEL: Oh, can I see?


[[She hands a few letters out to Joey, Chandler and Rachel.]]

RACHEL (reading a letter): "Dear Miss Buffay, my wife seems to be depressed. Whenever I try to cheer her up, she doesn't respond. What do I do?" Signed "Billy."

PHOEBE: Oh, that's one of the best ones.

RACHEL (reading her response): "Dear Billy, is she breathing? Because if she's not, she may be dead."

[[Phoebe looks proud with herself.]]

ROSS (sarcastically): Great advice, Phoebs.

CHANDLER (reading the letter Phoebe gave him): "Dear Miss Buffay, my boyfriend doesn't seem to love me anymore. What should I do?" signed "Miss K." (Chandler reads the response) "Answer hazy, ask again later."

MONICA: Phoebe!

PHOEBE: What?!

MONICA: These people are going to you for advice, and not an answer from the magic 8-ball!

PHOEBE: I know, but I couldn't answer that one!

JOEY: Why couldn't you just ignore it and pretend you didn't see it?

PHOEBE: That would be wrong!

CHANDLER: Isn't impersonating an 8-ball illegal in most states?

ROSS: Phoebs, you don't have to answer every letter.

PHOEBE: Yes I do! I'd feel guilty if I couldn't help these people.

RACHEL: Are you still upset about the Ann Landers thing?

PHOEBE: Yeah, kinda..

MONICA: Listen, Phoebe. You have a gift of helping people. It doesn't matter how many you help. Just doing it is enough.

PHOEBE: Yeah, right, like that'll hold up in any court of law.


[[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler's watching TV]]

JOEY (from his room): Turn it down in there!

CHANDLER: I can barely hear Pamela Lee bounce!

JOEY (from his room): You're watching Baywatch?


[[Joey runs out of his room. Joey sees what he's really watching.]]

JOEY: Chandler!


JOEY: You said you were watching Baywatch!


JOEY: You're watching the news!

CHANDLER: Yes. Baywatch was preempted.

JOEY: Fine. I'm going back in.

[[Joey goes back in his room.]]

CHANDLER: Hey, Joey! It's back on!

[[Joey runs back into the room, to find that the news is still on.]]

JOEY: You did it again!

CHANDLER: Would you look at that? They switched to the news again!

JOEY: Wait a minute...

[[There's a knock on the door. Phoebe walks in.]]

CHANDLER: Hey, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Hey, Chandler. Do you still have your laptop?

CHANDLER: Yeah, why?

PHOEBE: They're turning my column into an internet website! It's being put up today, and I wanted to check it out.

CHANDLER: Sure, no problem.

PHOEBE (To Joey): What're you watching?

JOEY: Baywatch.

PHOEBE: But isn't that the ---

[[Chnadler walks back in the room with his laptop.]]

CHANDLER: Let me plug it in and boot it up.

[[They both sit at the counter.]]

CHANDLER: Let me just log in here...

[[The computer makes weird noises.]]

PHOEBE: Is it supposed to do that?

CHANDLER: Yeah, pretty much. What's the site address?

[[Phoebe gives Chandler a piece of paper. Chandler types on the keyboard.]]

CHANDLER: There you go. Call me if you need anything.

[[Chandler goes back on the couch and grabs the remote. He flips through a few channels, and Baywatch pops up.]]

JOEY: Hey, you said that we were watching Baywatch already!

CHANDLER: I was joking.

JOEY: What? Why would you do that?!

[[They start to argue.]]


CHANDLER: Sorry, Phoebs.

PHOEBE (ignoring him): NO! Bad! BAD ERROR 51!

[[Chandler rushes to the laptop.]]

CHANDLER: What is it?

PHOEBE: A connection with the server couldn't be established!

CHANDLER: Let me try.

[[Chandler tries. The error still appears.]]

CHANDLER: Huh. It must not be working.

JOEY: Hey, Phoebs, maybe you could give it some advice.

PHOEBE: I'll give it some advice. Go to hell, stupid machine!

[[Phoebe continues to swear at the computer while we fade out.]]


[[Scene: Central Perk. The gang sits in their usual spots.]]

MONICA: I'm sorry that your website didn't work out, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: I am too. They really didn't need to take it down.

ROSS: Phoebe, you fought with your boss.

PHOEBE: Well, he should've spent the time to make sure everything was okay with the technology.

RACHEL: I don't think the boss is in charge of that.

CHANDLER: Yeah. Springsteen and the internet is a scary thought.

[[They groan at Chandler's pun.]]