The One Where Monica Takes a Test

Written by: Firestorm17

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.

{This is a warning. This fanfic picks up where "TOW Purple Haze" leaves off. This means you should probably read that first. If you have a problem with that one, you will definitely have a problem with this one, so hit the "Back" button rather than write me irate letters. As a rule, if the movie "In and Out" creeped you out, you should not read this. If you disregard this message and get offended, hey, I warned you. Any and all irate letters sent to my mailbox will only be read as far as it takes to determine their intent. Also, anyone who wishes to criticize me about the other involved story should keep in mind how much of an idiot Dan Quayle made of himself doing the same thing. Anyone who is still reading, I hope that you enjoy this fanfic.}

[Robyn's apartment. Robyn has just figured out Monica's new secret and is on the phone with Joey.]

ROBYN: Joey, you're going to have to call me back. (She hangs up.) Monica, are you all right in there? Mon?

MON: (She comes out of the bathroom.) Yeah, you know. I'm feeling a little better.

ROBYN: (still seriously shocked) I'm right, aren't I? You are, aren't you?

MON: (confused) Aren't I what?

ROBYN: Monica, you have been throwing up all morning. When "throwing up" and "morning" come together like that, certain connections are made.

MON: What? (She realizes what Robyn means.) You're crazy.

ROBYN: (She gets ahold of herself.) You're probably right. I'm making something out of nothing. I mean it's not like you're late or anything.

MON: (She looks at the floor.) Er. . .

ROBYN: Oh. How late?

MON: Just a couple of weeks. Maybe a month.

ROBYN: And you've just been ignoring it all this time. You do know that isn't such a good idea?

MON: I know that!

ROBYN: Tell you what. There's this pharmacy over in Chelsea. I know them there, and they know when they should shut up. Why don't we go over there, get a couple of tests, and just prove to yourself that there's nothing going on?

MON: All right, it's a good idea.

ROBYN: Thanks.

MON: But until we know for sure, you cannot tell Chandler.

ROBYN: Why not?

MON: Because if you tell him, we're going to be looking at a Chandler-shaped hole in the wall.

Opening theme.

[Robyn's apartment. Monica is leaving.]

ROBYN: Don't worry, Mon. Your secret's safe with me. Meet me down here at one, all right? (Monica leaves. Robyn's cell phone rings.) Talk to me.

[The screen divides down the middle to show the caller to be Joey. He has put the majority of his clothes on. Jeff has woken up. They are standing at the closed door to the apartment.]

JOEY: Hi, Robyn. It's me.

ROBYN: Joey? Where are you?

JOEY: Long story. I was at the cast party, and I guess I had too much to drink-

ROBYN: Joey, when you say "Long story.", you're generally supposed to get right to the point.

JOEY: Anyway, have you ever gone home with a really big star.

ROBYN: (pretending to be offended.) Of course not. Alpha Centauri and I are just friends. (Joey doesn't get it.) Never mind. So who were you with? It wasn't the girl who plays Hope, was it?

JOEY: Er. . . (He really doesn't want to say who he's really with.)

ROBYN: Joey! Don't you know that she's married? Honestly, you have got to be more careful who you go home with.

JOEY: You're telling me! Anyway, there are a whole lot of reporters right outside the front door and I don't know how I'm going to get out of here without ending up in the tabloids.

ROBYN: That's easy enough. Just act like you have a perfectly innocent reason for being there. That way you can just walk right out.

JOEY: And that'll work?

ROBYN: Sure it will. (Joey hangs up.) He's never going to be able to pull that off.

[Monica, Rachel and Ross's apartment. Rachel, Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is talking on the phone and pacing. He's getting tangled up in the cord.]

ROSS: Oh, no. That was tonight? I completely forgot. I'm so sorry. (Monica enters. Ross continues his conversation.)

MON: What's going on? (Ross gives her the "quiet" sign. She rolls her eyes and sits down next to Chandler. whispering) So what's going on?

CHAN: (He whispers back.) Ross forgot that Carol and Susan are going to a Gay Pride convention in Miami this weekend, and he gets to watch Ben tonight.

MON: They're going to a Gay Pride convention this weekend?

CHAN: Yeah, they're having a traditional family Thanksgiving. (beat) Traditional for my family, anyway. (Ross gives them the "quiet" sign again, and Monica gives him back the "Geller finger".)

ROSS: Carol, where am I going to find someone who's free to baby-sit on a Friday night? What? Hold on, I'll ask. (He puts his hand over the mouthpiece.) Rach, is there any way we can reschedule our date tonight? (Rachel gives him a frosty look.) I'll take that as a "no". (He resumes talking to Carol and pacing.) Sorry, no. Look, is there any other- What? Okay, call me back. Call m- (At this point, Ross trips over the phone cord and crashes to the floor. After he picks himself up, the only thing on the phone is dial tone.) What am I going to do? (He gets an idea.) Monica, would you-

MON: Actually, I kind of have plans.

ROSS: You can cancel that! It's just Chandler!

CHAN: Thanks, man.

MON: Ross, I am not going to cancel my date.

ROSS: Please? For me? (Monica is not budging.) For Ben?

MON: All right, for Ben.

CHAN: That's just great. Spend time with your nephew. If you need me, I'll be across the hall. . . alone! (By this point, he's exhibiting what is technically referred to as a "hurt bunny look".)

MON: Oh, honey. (She puts her arm around him and gives him a little squeeze.) You don't have to be alone. Why don't you come over and help me watch Ben? Ross won't mind.

ROSS: (From his expression, it's obvious that he does mind.) Yeah, sure. Monica, can I see you for a second? (They go out into the hall.)

MON: What's the problem?

ROSS: You know how you're going to watch Ben? I think it would be better if Chandler weren't there.

MON: All right, Mr. Geller. I promise that I won't make out with my boyfriend until after Ben's asleep.

ROSS: First of all, ew! Second of all, that wasn't what I meant.

MON: Then, what did you mean?

ROSS: I meant that, you know, he's Chandler. You've got to admit that he's a little irresponsible.

MON: He is?

ROSS: Mon, we're talking about a guy who once left my son on a bus. He's obviously not ready to take care of a kid.

MON: He isn't, is he? (She starts to cry.)

ROSS: (He's desperately trying to fix this.) Monica, I am so sorry. I'm sure that in a few years, he'll be ready. It's just that right now. . .(If anything, Monica is crying harder.) You know what? Why don't you and Chandler watch Ben tonight? I'm sure you'll do great.

MON: Thank you, Ross. (She gives a very confused Ross a big hug.)


[Robyn's apartment. Robyn is just hanging out when someone starts pounding on the door. She gets up, looks through the peephole, sighs, and opens the door.]

ROBYN: Joey, what are you-

JOEY: Can I come in? It's really important.

ROBYN: Oh, all right. (She unchains the door and reopens it. Joey kisses her right on the lips. At first, she's just surprised that he's kissing. But then, she starts kissing him back. Unexpectedly, Joey freezes up and ends the kiss.)

JOEY: Damn it. I didn't feel anything.

ROBYN: (coldly) Well, thanks a lot.

JOEY: No, it's not you. It's just- (He runs out of words.)

ROBYN: This doesn't have anything to do with that "big star" you went home with last night, does it?

JOEY: Of course not. (Robyn gives him a skeptical look.) Okay, yeah.

ROBYN: I see. Tell me about her.

JOEY: Well, she's different from the girls I usually go out with.

ROBYN: Go on.

JOEY: For starters, we've got a lot more in common.

ROBYN: So you usually don't go out with people who have that much in common with you?

JOEY: Hell, no. I mean, I'm not gay!

ROBYN: Excuse me?

JOEY: I said I'm not that kind of guy.

ROBYN: No you said you're not gay. Why would you say- Oh. (Joey looks very embarrassed.) We're not talking about a woman here, are we? (Joey shakes his head.) So who was it?

JOEY: Remember when I called you and told you I had to kiss this guy?

ROBYN: Yeah. We would be talking about him then?

JOEY: Yeah.

ROBYN: So you're saying that you slept with Jeff Donovan.

JOEY: Yeah.

ROBYN: Good choice. He's hot.

JOEY: It's not funny.

ROBYN: Sorry. You're right, though. Sleeping with Jeff doesn't mean that you have to be gay.

JOEY: It doesn't?

ROBYN: Had you been drinking?

JOEY: Had I ever.

ROBYN: Then maybe that's it. I know that when I've been drinking I do things that I wouldn't normally.

JOEY: What kind of things?

ROBYN: Most of my ex-boyfriends. (Joey looks at her quizzically.) Never mind. I'm just saying that what happened, happened. It's up to you to decide whether it meant anything.

JOEY: I know. See you later, Robyn.

[The pharmacy in Chelsea. Robyn and Monica are shopping. They're both wearing scarves and really dark glasses. Robyn is carrying a shopping basket.]

ROBYN: (She's whispering.) Just act natural, let me do all the talking, and everything will be fine.

MON: Why do I suddenly feel like Ethel Mertz?

ROBYN: Because that episode was on Nick at Night on Tuesday. (They pass by that section, and Robyn knocks a couple of tests into the basket.)

MON: Good, that's over with. Now, let's go.

ROBYN: Not so fast, Mon. The last thing we need to do right now is to attract attention. And would you try to calm down? I actually think this is going pretty well. We haven't been noticed. In fact, no one you even know is here.

[The bell over the door chimes as another customer comes in. The camera stays on Monica and Robyn as Monica reacts in shock.]

MON: Oh, my God. (The camera switches to Monica's point of view to show the other customer: Dr. Richard Burke.) I think we're going to have some 'splaining to do.


[Monica and Robyn are still at the pharmacy, staring at Richard in horror.]

ROBYN: (She's still whispering.) I'm guessing you know that guy. (Monica nods, too shocked to speak.) Act casual. Follow me, and we'll be fine. (Monica follows Robyn toward the register. Richard stops them.)

RICH: Monica, is that you?

MON: (fake-smiling) Richard, hi. Hey, your mustache grew back.

RICH: Not really. I just joined the Hair Club for Lips. (Robyn laughs. Monica sort of laughs.)

ROBYN: (to Richard) And you would be . . .?

RICH: (He extends a hand.) Richard Burke. I used to go out with Monica

ROBYN: That's so weird. We have the same initials. I'm Robyn Banks. (beat) That's a name, not a career choice.

RICH: Nice to meet you, Robyn. So Monica, I hope this isn't out of line, but are you seeing anyone right now? (Monica looks rather pained.)

ROBYN: You knew it would come up. Do you want to tell him, or should I?

RICH: (He thinks about that.) Oh. I'm- I'm happy for both of you. Robyn, you seem to be a wonderful young woman, and I'm sure you and Monica will be very happy.

ROBYN: (She gets this expression that says "What the?" and then gets the point and sighs.) All right, why don't I tell him? Monica is with someone. It's just not me. (to Monica) Should I continue?

MON: No, I can take it from here. Richard, I'm sorry that this has to be the way you're going to find out, but for the past few months, I've been seeing- I've been- I've been seeing Chandler.

RICH: You've been seeing Chandler? Chandler as in across-the-hall Chandler?

ROBYN: Out of idle curiosity here, just how many Chandlers do you know? (They look at her.) And I'm shutting up.

RICH: I know this is probably none of my business, but how did all this happen?

MON: We were in London for Ross's wedding. We were there for each other, and it just happened.

RICH: I. . .see. Good luck with that. I'm going to go now. (As he walks away, he mutters under his breath.) You had to wait!

ROBYN: (She watches him walk away.) That could have gone worse.

MON: Let's just get out of here.

ROBYN: Amen to that. (They get in line.)

[Joey and Chandler's apartment. Joey is the only one there. He's sitting in his chair, trying to get his head straight. (Pun intended.)]

JOEY: (thinking) It didn't mean anything. I just had too much to drink. It couldn't have meant anything. Could it? I have to stop thinking about this. (He turns on the TV to get "The Hollywood Insider" which is showing a picture of Jeff on the screen behind the anchorwoman.)

ANCHOR: . . .but is there a hidden side to television's hottest new star? Although Donovan refuses to comment on rumors of his homosexuality, the cat may be out of the bag for this New York TV star. The Insider has exclusive footage of Jeffrey Donovan returning to his apartment with an as yet unidentified male companion. Stay tuned for "A Way Out: The Secret Life of Jeffrey Donovan."

JOEY: (thinking) Calm down, Joey. Nobody watches "The Hollywood Insider." (He changes channels and gets Comedy Central, which is running "SNL: The Best of Adam Sandler".) Better. Now maybe I can get that out of my mind. (The camera pulls in close on the TV.)

FARLEY: (on TV) This place is a dump.

SANDLER: (on TV) Just wait 'til you see the pool.

FARLEY: (on TV. The picture is showing an empty pool.) No water? (The pool fills as if by magic. Van Halen's "Beautiful Girls" plays as guys in Speedos emerge from the water. This, of course, is SNL's "Schmitt's Gay" commercial. The camera cuts to the horrified look on Joey's face.

SPEEDO GUY: (on TV) You look like you need to get wet. (Joey changes channels.)

JOEY: (thinking) Baywatch. Thank you, God. Yes! They're running! (He focuses on the screen.) Huh, I never realized that David Hasselhoff was so buff. (There's a knock at the door. out loud.) It's open. (Chandler's dad comes in.)

MATT: Do you boys have any beer up here?

JOEY: (without taking his eyes off the screen) In the fridge.

MATT: (He opens the fridge and takes out a beer.) Thanks, man. (He opens the beer.) Robyn didn't have any, and don't get me wrong; wine coolers are all right, but sometimes you have to have something a little more (He pauses and then makes a gesture signifying "le mot juste" as he speaks.) masculine, if you know what I mean.

JOEY: (noncommittal) Uh-huh.

MATT: (He notices what Joey's watching.) Ooh, Baywatch. (He sits down to watch and says suggestively.) Why hello, Mr. Hasselhoff. I love this show.

JOEY: Me, too.

MATT: Something on your mind?

JOEY: No, I'm good.

MATT: Come on. I've been told I'm easy to talk to. (beat) Actually, most people leave out the "to talk to" part, but that's not the point.

JOEY: (He thinks about it.) I suppose you could help me with this.

MATT: I don't know if I can, but I'll try.

JOEY: When- (He pauses.) When was it that you first realized that you were gay? (Matthew raises an eyebrow.) I'm doing character research. I've got a part on "Laughing Out Loud".

MATT: Oh. Then, I suppose that I've always known. (Joey is noticeably relieved.) I mean I didn't know know, but on some level, it was always there. Even when I was going out with women- and believe me, I went out with women- there was always something there saying, "Honey, please. That purse with those shoes?" (Joey is getting less relieved.) I never really thought about any of them seriously, you know? I told myself that I wasn't the type of guy to settle down with any one woman. Turns out I was right, just not with that emphasis. (He laughs.)

JOEY: Really? I've always said- (He stops and realizes what he is saying.) Wait a minute. If you knew, why'd you marry Mrs. Bing?

MATT: Well, Nora had something that none of those other girls ever had.

JOEY: Really? What?

MATT: That would be Chandler. (Joey looks confused.) When I proposed, my exact words were: "Nora, love of my life, will you marry me? Now could you put the bat down please, Mr. Tyler, sir?"

JOEY: So when did you know know?

MATT: This isn't for a part, is it?

JOEY: Of course it is. (Matthew gives him the "You know I'm right." look.) You're right; it's not.

MATT: You want to talk about it?

JOEY: I don't know, man.

MATT: Suit yourself. I just know that when I was going through all this, it would have been nice to have someone to talk to.

JOEY: Okay. There's this guy at work, and last night we had too much to drink. I kept trying to tell myself that it didn't mean anything, but now I can't stop thinking about him. I just don't know anymore.

MATT: (sympathetic) Joey, I'm sorry, but I don't have all the answers for you. Ultimately, the only one who does is you. (He gets up.) This is just one of those things you have to figure out for yourself.

JOEY: It's just hard, you know. (He gets up.)

MATT: I know. Good luck, Joe. I hope everything works out. (He hugs Joey. Chandler walks in, sees them, and then averts his eyes.)

CHAN: Dad, we've talked about this.


[The hallway. It's about four. Monica and Robyn are coming back from shopping. They're carrying a lot of stuff, which they put down when they stop.]

MON: Tell me again why we bought all this.

ROBYN: You already know what the test is for; the rest of it is just smokescreen.

MON: I guess that makes sense. (She goes to pick up one of the bags.)

ROBYN: Monica, remember the plan. That bag goes home with me. If you take it, Ross, or Rachel, or, God help us all, Chandler might find your little secret. So I'll take it now, and you can drop by tomorrow morning. Okay?

MON: Okay.

[There are footsteps in the hall. Monica and Robyn turn to see Carol, Susan, and Ben. Ben is wearing a cute little T-shirt that says "My Mommies Love Me.".]

CAROL: Hello, Monica. Ross asked us to drop Ben off with you because (air quotes) "he had plans."

MON: Oh. Hi, Ben.

BEN: Hi, Aunt Monca.

ROBYN: This would be the nephew you were telling me about?

MON: Yeah. Robyn, this is Ben.

ROBYN: Hi, Ben.

BEN: Hi, Robyn. Is it fun hanging out with Batman?

ROBYN: Aren't you cute? (to Carol and Susan) So since Ben is Ross's son, that would make you- (She breaks off, totally confused.)

CAROL: That would make me Ross's ex-wife.

ROBYN: Could you be a little more specific?

CAROL: It would make me Carol Willick.

SUSAN: And I'm Susan Bunch.

ROBYN: Nice to meet you. I'm Robyn Banks. (beat) Yes, that is my real name. So, I'll see you tomorrow, Monica.

MON: All right.

SUSAN: (She misunderstands.) All right, Monica! Welcome to our team.

ROBYN: All right, for the third time in two days, we are not gay. Why do people keep thinking that?

CAROL: It's just that-

SUSAN: -you have a "quality".

ROBYN: (fake-smiles) Thanks for being so specific. (She picks up her shopping bag and walks away, mumbling.) This must be what it feels like to be Chandler.

MON: Actually, I am seeing someone; it's just not Robyn.

CAROL: Really? Who is it?

[Chandler comes out of the boys' apartment.]

CHAN: Hi, Mon. (He gives Monica a very quick kiss and then notices Carol and Susan.) Hello, Carol, Susan. Nice to see you. I'll be helping Monica watch Ben tonight. I hope you don't mi- (He notices them staring at him.) What?

CAROL: (She decides against pursuing this.) That'll be fine. Here's the number we'll be at. (She gives Monica a piece of paper.) Don't let him stay up too late. (She kisses Ben on the forehead.) We love you, sweetie. (Carol and Susan leave. Monica and Chandler go into the girls' apartment.)

MON: Ben, you remember Chandler, right?

BEN: Are you my Aunt Monca's wife?

CHAN: (He laughs nervously.) I'm sorry; what did you say?

BEN: Mommy Carol says that when people kiss that way, like her and Mommy Susan, they're each other's wives.

MON: Oh. Then no, Ben, he's not my wife. You see, only married girls are called wives. Married boys are called husbands.

BEN: Oh. So he's your husband.

CHAN: Why don't I take this one, Mon?


[The set of "Laughing Out Loud". They've finished shooting for the day. The crew turned out the lights when they left. Joey is sitting alone in the dark on the sofa that is part of the apartment set, with his head in his hands. Jeff walks up to him from behind.]

JEFF: (almost wistful) Hey, stranger.

JOEY: (He looks up.) Hi, Jeff. You were really good out there today.

JEFF: Thanks. You weren't too shabby yourself.

JOEY: If we keep that up, this show's really going to go places.

JEFF: Yeah, it wouldn't be too far out there to start thinking Emmy.

JOEY: That would be cool.

JEFF: You do realize that our not talking about it won't make it go away.

JOEY: Yeah, I know.

JEFF: Look. I know that you probably think that last night didn't mean anything. I mean you've heard what they say about me. "Jeff? He's a complete tramp." "Jeff? No self-control. He goes for anything in pants." You probably thought this was just another one-night stand. Am I right?

JOEY: No, you're not. That was definitely not just another one-night stand.

JEFF: Don't patronize me, Joey. At least respect me more than that. I just thought that maybe last night was the beginning of something special. Obviously it meant a lot more to me than it did to you. I can't say that I blame you. You're handsome. You're a great actor. I'm just me. I'm just going to have to accept that you're out of my league. I just hope we can work together after all this. I mean it's going to be very weird working together, especially this way. (Joey gets up and walks around the couch to stand next to Jeff while Jeff continues talking.) We're going to have to pretend that nothing happened. I don't know if I can do that. It's going to be hard.

JOEY: (He puts a hand on Jeff's shoulder.) Jeff?

JEFF: Yes, Joey?

JOEY: How you doin'?

[Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" plays, covering all other audio. Joey slides his hand to the side of Jeff's face and then brushes it through his hair. Then they kiss and it's just so perfect. In the middle of all this, Robyn walks in. The guys don't notice. She watches for a while. Then the music stops when she loudly clears her throat. Joey and Jeff stop kissing.]

JOEY: Hey, Robyn. Jeff and I were just-

ROBYN: Yeah, I saw what you were just. I'm guessing this means you've made your decision.

JOEY: Yeah, I guess I have.

ROBYN: I'm so happy for you!

JOEY: Thanks.

JEFF: Hey! (They both turn to look at him.) I'm still here, you know!

JOEY: Sorry. Jeff, this is my friend Robyn.

JEFF: Pleased to meet you, Robyn.

ROBYN: Likewise. You know, you and Joey make a very cute couple.

JEFF: You think so?

ROBYN: Definitely.

JEFF: Then would you mind giving this cute couple some privacy?

ROBYN: Oh, sorry. See you later, Joey. (She leaves.)

JEFF: Now, where were we? (The music continues from where it left off. Joey and Jeff kiss again.)

[Monica and Rachel's apartment. It's almost nine. Monica and Chandler are trying to get Ben to go to sleep. Chandler is reading Ben a bedtime story.]

CHAN: Then the beautiful princess kissed Sleeping Beauty, and she awakened. All the people of the castle awoke as well. Although the old king originally had his doubts, Sleeping Beauty and the princess were married. And they lived happily ever after. The end.

MON: (She's trying not to laugh.) What are you reading to him?

CHAN: Let's see. (He turns the book so he can read the title.) Special Tales for Special Households. (beat) Hey, I remember this.

BEN: Can I hear another story?

CHAN: No, you have to go to sleep now.

BEN: But I'm not tired!

CHAN: Come on. You heard what your moms said. You have to be asleep by nine.

BEN: Oh, man. All right, I'm going to sleep. (He closes his eyes and does so.)

CHAN: Nighty-night, little guy. (He tucks Ben in and then notices Monica watching.) Is something wrong, Mon?

MON: Don't freak out about this, but do you ever think about children?

CHAN: Yeah, they're those short people who watch Power Rangers. What about them?

MON: (sadly) Never mind. It's nothing. (Chandler doesn't notice, but tears well up in Monica's eyes.)

[Robyn's apartment. About six a.m. Robyn is letting Monica in.]

ROBYN: I know I said you should come over in the morning, but I wasn't really thinking this early.

MON: I know. I'm just so anxious.

ROBYN: That's understandable. It is a baby we're talking about. You ready to do this?

MON: Ready as I'll ever be. (She goes into the bathroom.)

[Five minutes later. Monica has come out of the bathroom.]

ROBYN: How'd it go?

MON: I don't know. I couldn't look. Could you please check it for me?

ROBYN: All right. (She goes into the bathroom for what seems like forever When she comes back out, she is absolutely ashen.) Monica, I think you should sit down.

MON: (She sit down.) What are you saying?

ROBYN: They're positive. Both of them. You're pregnant.

MON: (no inflection) I'm pregnant. (excited) I'm pregnant.

ROBYN: Congratulations. I'm so happy for you. (Monica starts to cry.) What's wrong?

MON: I'm pregnant.

ROBYN: (She gives Monica a hug.) It'll be okay. Everything's going to be okay. (Monica continues sobbing painfully.)


[Teaser: Robyn's apartment. It's about nine a.m. Monica has gone home. Robyn is on the computer. There's a knock at the door.]

ROBYN: Hold on; I'll be right there. (She opens the door and then tries desperately to act normal.) Chandler! What is up?

CHAN: Can I ask you a really big favor?

ROBYN: Ask away.

CHAN: Do you know anything about diamonds?

ROBYN: Also known as rocks. My ex-boyfriend didn't have either. Yeah, I'm familiar with them. Why?

CHAN: I thought that maybe you could help me with my shopping.

ROBYN: Shopping? For what?

CHAN: An engagement ring.

ROBYN: Oh, that's nice. (She realizes what he just said.) Excuse me, what?

CHAN: (really excited) I'm going to ask Monica to marry me.