Written by: Firestorm17
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
{This fanfic picks up where "TOW Monica Takes a Test" leaves off. That means Monica has just found out that she's going to have a baby, Chandler has just told Robyn that he's going to propose to Monica, and Joey is dating his costar from "Laughing Out Loud". Therefore, Dr. Laura and other such persons should probably read something else. Also, for some of the jokes, one needs to know about Chandler's near-legendary fear of commitment, "quality", and bizarre parents. By the way, the title is taken from the "I Love Lucy" show in which Ricky finds out about Little Ricky.}
[Robyn's apartment. It's about 9:00 a.m. Chandler has just told Robyn that he's going to propose to Monica.]
ROBYN: Sorry, I think I heard you wrong. You're going to do what?
CHAN: I'm going to ask Monica to be my wife.
ROBYN: I must be going deaf. It sounded like you said you were going to propose to Monica.
CHAN: That is what I said.
ROBYN: Oh. In that case, (She grabs him by the shoulders.) who the hell are you and what have you done with Chandler?
CHAN: Take it easy, Robyn. I'm the real Chandler.
ROBYN: (She lets him go.) Then what gives? The last time that marriage to Monica came up you turned the color of wallpaper paste and hyperventilated. Now, you're shopping for engagement rings. Were you visited by the Ghost of Commitment Past or something?
CHAN: No, I was just helping Monica watch Ben, and it hit me: this is what's missing from my life.
ROBYN: Your life is missing baby-sitting?
CHAN: No. I mean I realized that I want to have a family again. I want to have a family with Monica.
ROBYN: (curiously) Chandler, do you believe in fate?
CHAN: (confused) Why do you ask?
ROBYN: Never mind. I'll help you. I'm taking your dad to the airport as soon as he gets packed. Why don't you come with so that we can hit the jewelry store afterward?
CHAN: Okay, I guess so.
ROBYN: Good. See you in fifteen minutes. (As she talks, she flips on the overhead lights and tilts Chandler's head upward in order to check his pupils. Chandler glares at her.) Sorry, just checking.
Opening theme.
[Jeff's bedroom. Jeff and Joey are in the middle of getting dressed. Jeff is inside of a big walk-in closet.]
JEFF: All right, which do you like better: these or these? (He holds out two identical pairs of jeans.)
JOEY: (at random) Those. You know, it's weird getting dressed just so you can go home.
JEFF: Well, your going home naked would raise a few eyebrows. (He leans out of his closet to check Joey out.) Among other things.
JOEY: No, I just meant that it's weird waking up in someone else's apartment.
JEFF: (huffily) I wouldn't know.
JOEY: (genuinely puzzled) What do you mean by that?
JEFF: (He exits the closet in order to talk to Joey face to face.) We've come back to my place so many times that I'm starting to feel like I live here!
JOEY: You do live here.
JEFF: (venomously) Oh, you men are all alike! (He gets ahold of himself, no pun intended.) Sorry. That was uncalled-for. It just feels like you're keeping me at arm's length. Sometimes I feel like you don't think I'm good enough to bring home. (He sits down on the side of his bed and starts to cry.)
JOEY: Jeff, don't cry. (He sits down next to Jeff and puts an arm around his shoulders.) Please don't cry. I'm not ashamed of you. It's just my neighbors.
JEFF: They wouldn't like me?
JOEY: They don't knock.
JEFF: Oh.
JOEY: I don't think that would be the way you'd want to meet all my friends.
JEFF: They don't know. Do they?
JOEY: No.
JEFF: (He takes one of Joey's hands in both of his.) Joey, I already came out of my closet. (He nods toward the appropriate door.) Maybe it's time you came out of yours.
[The hallway. Robyn is coming up to pick up Chandler to go to the airport when Monica comes out of the girls' apartment in order to talk to her.]
MON: Hey, Robyn. Can I ask you a huge favor?
ROBYN: No problem. Which are you out of: ice cream or pickles?
MON: That's not what I meant. I made an appointment with my doctor about the you-know-what, and I was hoping you could come with me.
ROBYN: I don't know. Gynecologists kind of give me the creeps. At least mine did.
MON: Please? I don't think I can do this by myself.
ROBYN: I take it you still haven't told the F-A-T-H-E-R?
MON: Of course not. Chandler would completely freak out if he knew about the B-A-B-Y. You're still the only one who knows, and I really need the support.
ROBYN: Oh, all right. When's your appointment?
MON: It's at four.
ROBYN: Good, I'll see you then. (She starts to leave and then stops and turns.) Just one thing: at your doctor's office, AMA does not stand for "Ass Men of America", right? (Monica looks at her strangely.) Really bad HMO. Really long story.
MON: (She puts up a hand.) Don't really want to know.
ROBYN: Would be scared if you did.
Commercial.
[Kennedy Airport. Matthew Bing and his many suitcases are departing for Nevada. Chandler and Robyn are seeing him off.]
ROBYN: Have a nice flight, Matt.
MATT: I will.
ANNCR: Flight 419 nonstop to Las Vegas is now boarding all first-class passengers.
MATT: That's me. I've got to go. (He picks up his luggage.) Robyn, love you. (He gives her a kiss on the cheek. Then, he puts one of his suitcases down and hands Chandler a card.) Chandler, here's my number; give your old man a call sometime. (He gives his son a hug.) I love you, son. (He picks up his suitcase and gets on the plane.)
[Twenty minutes later, Chandler and Robyn are still at the airport. The plane is taking off, and they're waving at it out the window. They're beginning to get a bit misty.]
CHAN: You know, it was nice seeing my dad again. (beat) I mean without the camisole.
ROBYN: Chandler, someday you're going to make some lucky shrink very happy.
CHAN: I know. You ready to go?
[The inside of a jewelry store. Chandler is looking at the rings. Robyn is looking at the ceiling.]
ROBYN: Find anything?
CHAN: No, nothing seems right.
ROBYN: Chandler, that's the same thing you said in the last five stores. Now what exactly are you looking for?
CHAN: I don't know. There's just nothing here that says "Monica, I love you, Will you marry me?".
ROBYN: You do realize that you're going to have to do some of the talking yourself.
CHAN: That's not what I meant. It's just that this ring has to be something special.
ROBYN: Special, huh? (She summons an increasingly bored salesman.) Antonio, perhaps you should show him the Gabrielles. (She pronounces the word with an "ahh" in the first syllable.)
CHAN: What's a Gabrielle? (He pronounces it the other way.)
ROBYN: That would be the diamond Xena the Warrior Princess gave to her girlfriend. (The salesman returns with more rings.) These, on the other hand, are Gabrielles.
CHAN: They're beautiful. (He sees something.) That's the one.
ROBYN: Where? (Chandler points.) Oh, you're right; it's beautiful.
CHAN: I know. I think this is the ring I want to give to Monica. (Then he notices the price and sighs.) But I can't afford it.
ROBYN: Let me see. (She looks at the price.) Oh. You don't have to worry about that. Antonio, this is a rather interesting ring. How much is it?
ANT: The prices are there for you to see, Signora Redbrest.
ROBYN: I thought I told you that if you ever called me that again, I'd show you my own version of Death of a Salesman.
ANT: Sorry, signora.
ROBYN: Now I'm afraid that we cannot accept this price. How about this one? (She writes the number on a piece of paper and gives it to the salesman.)
ANT: Of course, signora. (He leaves.)
CHAN: (He picks up the piece of paper.) I still can't afford that.
ROBYN: Don't worry about it; it's on me.
CHAN: I couldn't possibly-
ROBYN: Forget about it. What else are millionaires for?
CHAN: I don't know. Taking a whole lot of luggage on a three-hour tour?
Commercial.
[The hallway. They've just gotten back from shopping.]
CHAN: So what was all that "Signora Redbrest" stuff about?
ROBYN: (She sighs in disgust.) Just my ex-husband. Nothing someone who's about to propose should hear about.
CHAN: Why not?
ROBYN: It's nothing. I just divorced him over something he did.
CHAN: What did he do?
ROBYN: Let's see: my taxes, my audit, lunch, dinner, (She shudders) breakfast, his secretary, and if he took my advice, himself.
CHAN: Ouch. I hope that never happens to me and Monica.
ROBYN: Don't do your secretary.
CHAN: Hey, I'd never do anything like that. I don't cheat! I'm not Ross! (Unbeknownst to him, Ross has come out of the girls' apartment and heard that.)
ROSS: Ahem.
CHAN: (He jumps a mile and then turns.) Hey, Ross. I didn't see you there.
ROSS: So what is it that you won't do?
ROBYN: I was just telling Chandler about my third husband.
ROSS: Your third husband?
ROBYN: Did I forget to mention that I've been married three times? (While she says this, she tries to signal Chandler that this is his chance to leave, without much success.)
ROSS: Yeah-huh.
ROBYN: Oh. (beat) I've been married three times. (She tries to signal Chandler again, with an equal amount of success.) Let's see; where to start?
[Joey opens the door to the guys' apartment and leans out.]
JOEY: Chandler, could you come in here for a minute?
CHAN: I'm a little busy here, Joe.
JOEY: It's really important.
CHAN: Can't it wait?
JOEY: Suit yourself, but if the duck was throwing up caterpillars in my underwear drawer. . . (Chandler wisely leaves to investigate.)
ROBYN: What were we talking about again?
ROSS: Your three failed marriages.
ROBYN: Oh, right. Tell you what: I'll tell you about my marriages if you tell me about yours.
ROSS: I guess that's fair.
ROBYN: Okay, my first husband was Adam Peoples. I-
ROSS: (He's trying not to laugh.) Your name was Robyn Peoples?
ROBYN: (annoyed) Anyway, there was this huge Star Trek convention in Vegas four years ago, and I was like the only woman in the quadrant. In the middle of it, Adam comes up to me, in this ridiculous Klingon costume, and I'm thinking he can't be any older than nineteen. Then, he says something like "Hey, baby. Can I breach your warp core?" I must have had a few too many Romulan ales because the next thing I knew, I was back in my hotel room asking myself, "Who the hell is this guy and why the hell are we naked?"
ROSS: Oh.
ROBYN: Apparently we'd gotten married sometime during the night. Not that either of us remembered it, but that was what the license said. We decided that we'd stay married for as long as we were in Las Vegas, but right before we left we went to Reno and just ended it.
ROSS: So what about your second husband?
ROBYN: That would be Calvin DeStage. Don't say it. I was setting up a branch office in the Little Silicon Valley in Texas. Did you know that in Texas, if you move in with someone and stay for over a month, you're legally married?
ROSS: No.
ROBYN: Neither did I. I know think about Texas in three words: "Remember the Alimony".
ROSS: At least you got alimony.
ROBYN: No, he got alimony; I got a new lawyer.
ROSS: And your third marriage?
ROBYN: Ah, yes. Julian was my tax accountant. He's now the reason that I no longer do pity dates. I thought the whole "puppy dog eyes" thing was just adorable. Apparently, I wasn't the only one.
ROSS: Ouch.
ROBYN: I called it quits when I came to his office to surprise him and walked in on him and his secretary "taking dictation". Of course, by then I subscribed to the Ivana Trump school of divorce: "Don't get mad; get everything." (She smiles a shark's smile.) Your turn.
ROSS: Well, my first wife was Carol, Ben's mother.
ROBYN: I met her. She seemed so nice; what happened?
ROSS: Susan happened.
ROBYN: Oh, the "other woman". Oldest story in the world: boy meets girl; girl meets girl; boy loses girl. What about your other marriage?
ROSS: That was to Emily.
ROBYN: So I've heard. What happened there?
ROSS: In your opinion, when would be the worst time to call somebody the wrong name?
ROBYN: I don't know. In bed?
ROSS: Guess again.
ROBYN: When she was meeting your parents? (Ross shakes his head.) When you were meeting her parents?
ROSS: Try at the altar.
ROBYN: Oh, my God, what did you call her?
ROSS: Rachel.
ROBYN: Okay, that explains a lot more than it doesn't.
ROSS: It's kind of why Rach and I are back together.
ROBYN: I don't see why you would ever break up. I mean, you don't seem like the type to cheat or anything.
ROSS: We were on a break!
ROBYN: Ross, for future reference, you can be on a break. You can be on drugs. Hell, you can be on a desert island with no hope of rescue. If you cheat, you're going down.
ROSS: Yeah, I know that now.
ROBYN: And don't you forget it.
Commercial.
[Jeff's apartment. Jeff is sitting on his couch listening to "I Want It That Way" on the radio and trying to sort himself out.]
JEFF: (thinking) I wonder what Joey's doing right now. He was in such a hurry to get out of here that I'm sure he had to do something. . . or someone. Stop it. Joey would never do something like that. But how would I know? It's not like I've known him all that long. For all I know, he could already have a boyfriend. Hell, he could even have a girlfriend. Stop it. Joey's my boyfriend, and I trust him. I don't have to go over there and check on him. I'm way too secure for that. What am I sitting on? (He stands up and finds a sweater.) Hmm, must be Joey's. I'll give it back at work. (Then he finds something between the couch cushions. He unfolds it, and it's underpants.) Hello, Mr. Tribbiani! On second thought, maybe I should just go see him right now.
[The hallway. Jeff is coming down the hall carrying a paper bag when he meets Robyn who is waiting outside the girls' apartment.]
ROBYN: Hey, Jeff. What's up?
JEFF: Literally?
ROBYN: No, that's not really my business. (Monica comes out of her apartment.)
MON: All right, I'm ready.
JEFF: And who might this be?
ROBYN: This might be my friend Monica. Monica Geller, Jeff Donovan.
JEFF: Pleased to meet you, Monica. (to Robyn) It's so nice to finally meet your special someone.
ROBYN: (She closes her eyes and silently counts to ten.) Jeff, pay attention because I'm only going to say this once. We're straight. It's great. Deal with it. (Author's note: don't write letters. This is intended to be just a joke rather than an offensive remark.) Got it?
JEFF: Got it.
ROBYN: Okay. I'll see you later.
JEFF: 'Kay. (Monica and Robyn leave. Jeff knocks on the door to the guys' apartment. Chandler answers.)
CHAN: Can I help you?
JEFF: Oh, sorry. I must have the wrong apartment. You wouldn't happen to know where Joey Tribbiani lives, would you?
CHAN: You found it.
JEFF: Oh.
CHAN: So how do you know Joey?
JEFF: (He extends his hand.) Jeff Donovan. I work with Joey.
CHAN: (He shakes Jeff's hand.) Chandler Bing. I live with Joey.
JEFF: (He's trying not to look horrified.) You live with Joey?
CHAN: Yeah, kind of like Bert and Ernie. He's down at the coffee house right now if you're here to see him.
JEFF: No! No, I'm just here to drop off a few things that Joey left at. . . the set. (He hands the paper bag to Chandler.)
CHAN: Thanks, I'll give this to him when he gets back. (While he's talking he looks in the bag.) He left his underwear at the set?
JEFF: (He's sure that he's busted.) You know that Joey.
CHAN: Tell me about it.
JEFF: Maybe later. I have to go now. See you. (He pretends to leave until Chandler closes the door at which time he collapses onto that little step in the hall.) Oh, my God, I'm the "other woman." (He starts to cry.)
Commercial.
[The doctor's office. Monica and Robyn are waiting for the doctor to bring the test results. Monica is holding Robyn's hand for support and is inadvertently digging her nails in.]
ROBYN: Monica, calm down. Everything's going to be all right. I swear: you're going to be okay. Now, could you please, please let go?
MON: (She looks at her hand.) Oh, sorry. (She lets go of Robyn's hand.) Are you okay?
ROBYN: Sure I'm okay. (She goes over to the nurse.) Excuse me; do you know where I could get a tetanus shot around here?
[At this point, the doctor comes in. It's Dr. Mark Deveneau, the gynecologist from "Mad About You".]
MARK: Well, Mrs. Geller, I have some good news for you.
MON: Excuse me, doctor, but it's Miss Geller, not Mrs.
MARK: (He looks at his clipboard.) Oh, so it is. As I was saying, Miss Geller, I have some bad news for you. You're pregnant. (Monica start to cry.)
ROBYN: Mon, please don't cry. You're going to be okay; I promise. It'll all work out.
MARK: Would you be Miss Geller's (pause) partner?
ROBYN: (She glares at him.) No, he couldn't show up.
MARK: Oh, anyway, Miss Geller, you're about two months along. You're doing fine, and I'll see you back here in two weeks.
MON: Okay. (She and Robyn get up to leave.)
MARK: Oh, and Miss Geller? Try to tell the father before then, okay?
[The stairs in the apartment building. Monica and Robyn are coming up the stairs.]
MON: I mean, the nerve of that guy! He hardly even knows me!
ROBYN: I know. He was rude. But you know what? He was right.
MON: What?
ROBYN: The man had a point. Sooner or later, you're going to have to tell Chandler.
MON: I know that. It's just so hard. I mean Chandler's going to freak out. He doesn't want to be "trapped". He doesn't want a commitment.
ROBYN: I know, but maybe when you tell him. . .
MON: Maybe, but I don't want to force him into something like that.
ROBYN: I know. It's not fair.
MON: No, it's not, but you're right. I do have to tell Chandler. It's his baby, too. But until I do, you can't tell him.
ROBYN: Okay.
MON: You have to promise.
ROBYN: All right. (She raises her right hand.) I swear not to tell the truth, the whole truth, or nothing but the truth, so help me God. (They reach Monica's apartment.) See you later, Mon.
MON: See you, Robyn. (She goes into her apartment. Robyn turns to go home and hears someone crying. She turns to see Jeff, still sitting on that little step.)
ROBYN: Jeff, what's wrong? Why are you crying?
JEFF: (He looks up.) You'd be crying too if your boyfriend (By this point, his voice has gotten so high that the rest of the sentence is unintelligible.)
ROBYN: Could we try that again without you sounding like you should be roaming the deserts of Tatooine?
JEFF: (He glares at her.) If you must know, I've had a very trying afternoon. I came over to return Joey's (pause) unmentionables and I ran into Chandler!
ROBYN: Ooh, that's rough. He didn't say anything too cutting, did he? Because he's just like that sometimes.
JEFF: No, he didn't say anything like that, but I wouldn't have blamed him. I mean I did sleep with his boyfriend.
ROBYN: Whoa! Back up. You did what?
JEFF: I slept with Chandler's boyfriend.
ROBYN: I assume we're talking about Joey here?
JEFF: Uh-huh.
ROBYN: Joey's not Chandler's boyfriend. In fact, Chandler doesn't even have a boyfriend.
JEFF: Great. It's always comforting to know that the hot guy living with your boyfriend is unattached.
ROBYN: Jeff, I assure you that there is nothing going on between them.
JEFF: Thank you, Betty Currie, but you don't have to lie to protect him.
ROBYN: I'm not lying. My apartment is right below theirs. If there was anything going on, I'd know; believe me!
JEFF: Thanks for trying, Robyn. Can't say I appreciate the mental picture, but you get an "E" for effort. Maybe I'll see you around.
ROBYN: Jeff, wait. Shouldn't you talk this over with Joey first? Maybe he has a perfectly reasonable explanation.
JEFF: No way. I'm not sticking around to listen to him define "is". The only explanation I'm interested in is to the other person who got hurt in all this.
ROBYN: (She's horrified.) You're telling Chandler?
JEFF: You bet I am.
ROBYN: Could you at least wait until Monday? (Jeff looks at her.) For Chandler's sake. That's lousy news to get on a holiday weekend.
JEFF: You're right. I don't want to ruin Thanksgiving for the guy.
ROBYN: Good thinking. (Jeff leaves.) Houston, we have a problem.
Commercial.
[The hallway. It's about 6:00 p.m. Ross and Rachel are on their way out for the evening. Chandler leans out of the boys' apartment.]
CHAN: Hey, guys. Is Monica home?
Rach: Yeah, why do you ask? (He disappears into his apartment. Then after Ross and Rachel leave, he sneaks across the hall as the theme from "Mission Impossible" plays. He slips a piece of paper under the door and then knocks and runs. Monica opens the door to see who's there. No one is. Then she notices the paper and picks it up.)
CHAN: (V.O.) Good evening, Miss Geller. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to come across the hall and have a very romantic dinner with your boyfriend. Should you fail to come over, it will make him very sad, so please just come over. (Monica smiles, crosses the hall and slowly opens the door.)
MON: Chandler?
CHAN: I'm right here, baby. (All the electric lights are out, and he's lighting a candle on the counter with one of those really long lighters. He tries to blow out the lighter flame in order to look so very cool, but it gets too close for comfort which causes him to jump about in a most comical manner.)
MON: (She laughs.) What are you doing?
CHAN: Sorry, I just wanted this to be perfect.
MON: You just wanted what to be perfect?
CHAN: (He walks over to her.) This. (He gets down on one knee.)
MON: Can you excuse me for a second?
[Robyn's apartment. She is baby-sitting Ben. He's working at her computer.]
BEN: Robyn, which one of these is Myst?
ROBYN: It's in the CD changer between Led Zeppelin and New Kids on the Block. (At this point, Monica storms in, slamming the door against the wall.)
MON: (She's very angry.) Robyn, what the hell is wrong with you?
ROBYN: What are you talking about?
MON: Like you don't know!
ROBYN: Actually, this is amazingly similar to not knowing.
MON: Damn it, Robyn; you promised you wouldn't tell him!
CHAN: (He's standing in the doorway.) Tell him what?
MON: (She turns around and thinks fast.) Tell him. . . that I'm never gonna leave him Tell him that I'm always gonna love him. Tell him, tell him. (Because he isn't buying this, she trails off.)
CHAN: All right, what's going on?
ROBYN: Come on, Ben. Let's go watch your Power Rangers tape in my room.
BEN: Do we have to? This is more fun.
ROBYN: Let's go, kid. (She picks him up and carries him out of the room.)
CHAN: All right, Mon. I'm going to need an actual answer here. Is something wrong? Is there someone else? (A horrible thought occurs to him.) Oh, my God, you're cheating on me with Robyn.
ROBYN: (shouting) I heard that!
MON: No, it's nothing like that. It's worse. I'm going to have your baby. I'm pregnant.
CHAN: (He looks thunderstruck.) You're pregnant. (She nods.) That's great. (He gives he a big hug.)
MON: Okay, when did the Pod People land?
CHAN: No, it's really me. I've just been doing a lot of thinking about family and you, and. . . (He gets down on one knee.) Monica Geller, will you be my wife?
MON: (She gets down there with him and hugs him.) Oh, Chandler.
CHAN: Is that a yes?
MON: Oh, yes. (Chandler kisses her and then puts the ring on her finger.) Oh, it's beautiful.
CHAN: Not as beautiful as you. (Monica and Chandler kiss again.)
ROBYN: (She comes out of her room.) Hey, there are impressionable kids in here. Why don't you two take it upstairs while you can still do that without getting arrested for indecent exposure? (A sheepish Monica and Chandler start to leave.) Oh, before I forget; Mazel Tov.
Commercial.
[Teaser: It's Monday morning. Chandler is at his office and hard at work, playing computer solitaire, when Jeff opens the door to the office.]
CHAN: (He doesn't look up.) Can I help you?
JEFF: I'm looking for a Chandler Bing.
CHAN: What a coincidence. I happen to be a Chandler Bing.
JEFF: Oh. Great. Listen, there's no good way to say this, so I'm just going to say it. I am very sorry that I slept with your significant other.
CHAN: What?
JEFF: You have every right to be angry.
CHAN: (He's getting angry.) You slept with my fiancée?
JEFF: Oh, God. You guys are engaged? Now I feel just horrible!
CHAN: (He starts advancing on Jeff, who wisely starts backing up.) You should! You should feel horrible! You come in here, you tell me you slept with Monica-
JEFF: I know. I'm so sorry- Wait a minute. Monica? I'm talking about Joey.
CHAN: Joey?
JEFF: Yeah, the hot Italian guy who lives with you.
CHAN: You slept with Joey? (Jeff nods.) Joey Tribbiani?
JEFF: (He realizes that he has just given Chandler the wrong shock of his life.) I just did a bad thing, didn't I? (Chandler doesn't react.) I'm going to go, okay? (Jeff leaves quickly.)
CHAN: (He slowly realizes the implications of what Jeff said.) Could my life be any more complicated?
THE END