Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Ross and Rachel are eating breakfast. Rachel is also reading a magazine)
Ross: So are you ready to tell everyone?
Rachel: Tell ‘em what?
Ross: That you’re pregnant.
Rachel: No.
Ross: Can I tell them?
Rachel: No.
Ross: So I have to be quiet?
Rachel: No.
Ross: I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
Rachel: No.
Ross: Are you even listening to me?
Rachel: Huh?
Ross: Are you listening to me?
Rachel: Not really.
Ross: So I can tell them?
Rachel: Tell ‘em what?
Ross: That you’re a sex addict.
Rachel: Sure that’s fine. Now leave me alone.
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel are present)
Phoebe: Guess what?
Joey: The silicone in your chest is leaking.
Phoebe: No. I have a date tonight!
Chandler: That’s great Pheebs. Thank God I’m not in the dating pool anymore, I really hated it.
Monica: You should consider getting out of the gene pool too.
Ross: Ain’t that the truth.
Chandler: Well, well….ok, I don’t have a comeback for that. Man, marriage is ruining my sense of humor.
Monica: Huh, that’s funny, it’s really strengthened mine.
Joey: So who’s the lucky guy Phoebe?
Phoebe: His name is Norm, he works for the parks department.
Joey: I’d run for the hills. What kinda name is Norm?
Chandler: In City Slickers it was the name of the calf that Billy Crystal’s character brought home.
Ross: What does he do for the parks department Pheebs?
Phoebe: He picks up garbage.
Joey: Score!
Monica: Come on leave Phoebe alone, at least she’s dating Joey. How’d you meet him?
Phoebe: I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich and feeding the squirrels when the wind picked up and blew my sandwich wrapper away. I went to pick it up and there was Norm. We just clicked right away. He told me that I was pretty and wanted to take me to dinner. Needless to say, I said yes.
Ross: I bet if you play your cards right, he’ll clean your apartment too.
Phoebe: Make fun all you want. I, unlike you guys, don’t judge people by what they do. I like Norm and I’m gonna go out with him.
(Rachel enters)
Chandler: Hey it’s the sex addict.
Ross: Hey sweetie.
Rachel: Hey Joey.
Ross: Ah, I said hey sweetie.
Rachel: Oh sorry, I thought it was my lover on the side who was greeting me.
Joey: We still on for later Rach?
Rachel: You betcha lover.
Ross: What the hell is going on here?
Rachel: Would you relax, Joey’s going with me to pick out your birthday present.
Ross: Oh.
Chandler: How come I wasn’t invited?
Phoebe: Because you’re not a man.
Chandler: Oh. (pause) Hey did anyone see that ice-skating special last night?
Monica: And you wonder why you’re not invited. Well I have to go, it’s my first day back at work.
Chandler: Good luck honey.
Rachel: Bye Mon.
Ross: Monica, don’t forget to call Dad later.
Monica: About what?
Ross: I don’t know. What am I, your message keeper?
Phoebe: Maybe, ‘cause your definitely not a man.
Rachel: Wrong Pheebs, he’s more man than you’ll ever experience.
Phoebe: Have you ever slept with Joey?
Rachel: Thankfully no.
Phoebe: Then you have no idea what you’re talking about.
Monica: On that note, I’m leaving. (Monica leaves)
Ross (to Rachel): So are you ready to tell them?
Rachel: Yeah, I guess.
Ross: Rachel’s pregnant!
Rachel: You’re a bastard Ross.
Ross: Sorry, I got excited.
Phoebe: From the look of your pants I’d say so. (Camera shows a wet spot in Ross’ crotch area)
Chandler: Sorry about that Ross. Why’d you wait until Monica was gone to tell us?
Rachel: I figured it would be best if I told Mon one on one. (Joey starts laughing) Grow up Joey, I’m not gonna sleep with Monica.
Joey: A man can dream can’t he? Anyway, who’s the father?
Ross: For Rachel’s sake it better be me.
Chandler: I don’t know about that, your mailman is pretty hot.
Ross: Are you sure you’re not gay?
Phoebe: I call Godmother!
Ross: Ah, you just can’t call Godmother. That’s for Rachel and I to decide.
Phoebe: That’s what you think. So how far along are you Rach?
Rachel: Two weeks.
Phoebe: Have you started puking your guts out yet?
Rachel: Ah, no.
Phoebe: Man, you’ve had the best pregnancy so far. Though it can fun getting sick. Did I ever tell you guys how I taped my mouth shut so I wouldn’t puke anymore and then got sick and it came out my nose?
(Everyone starts gagging)
SOMEWHERE IN NEW YORK CITY (Joey and Rachel are shopping)
Rachel: I hate shopping for Ross. I never know what to get him.
Joey: Oh I know….
Rachel: I’m not giving him a coupon of Rachel love.
Joey: Why not? It always works for me.
Rachel: OK, what you and Ross do when you’re together is none of my business.
Joey: How about a subscription to Playboy?
Rachel: I got him that for Christmas and he still insists on having sex with me.
Joey: Is this gonna take all day?
Rachel: I dunno. Why?
Joey: I’ve gotta find a date for tonight.
Rachel: You just need fifteen minutes to do that. Why’s it so important?
Joey: It just is OK
Rachel: Oh my God, you still have feelings for Phoebe.
Joey: No I don’t. It’s just been three days since I last had sex.
ALLESANDRO’S (Monica is working. Phoebe and Ross show up)
Ross: Hey Mon, what’s up?
Monica: I’m working you doofus.
Phoebe: I told him the same thing but he didn’t believe me.
Monica: What are you guys doing here?
Phoebe: We stopped in to say hi. Oh, and to eat lunch too.
Monica: I thought my cooking made you sick the last time you ate when I was working.
Phoebe: It did. I took some compazine to ensure that I wouldn’t throw up this time.
Ross: Has Rachel come to see you yet?
Monica: No. Why?
Ross: Oh it’s nothing.
Monica: What’s going on?
Phoebe: Nothing’s going on Mon. We just came for lunch.
Monica: Then why is Rachel coming to see me?
Phoebe: Probably to tell you that she’s pregnant.
Ross: Phoebe!
Monica: Rachel’s pregnant?
Ross: I don’t know anything about it.
Phoebe: Yeah, I was just guessing. We’d better go eat lunch Ross, we’ve got a lot to do today.
Ross: Bye Mon, we’ll see you later. (Ross and Phoebe go to leave)
Monica: Come on guys, what does Rachel want to tell me?
Ross: Honestly, I don’t know.
Monica: OK you’re definitely lying.
Ross: No I’m not.
Monica: Then why is your hand shaking uncontrollably?
Phoebe: I think he really wants to pleasure himself.
Monica: I’m not gonna ask again. Is Rachel pregnant?
Phoebe: She’s pregnant.
Ross: Damn it Phoebe! We weren’t supposed to tell her.
Phoebe: I’m sorry. She beat it out of me.
Monica: It’s OK guys. But, I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll see you guys later.
Ross: Are you sure you’re OK?
Monica: I’m fine. Go eat lunch, it’s on me.
Phoebe: Thanks Mon. We’ll see you later. (Phoebe and Ross leave. Monica returns to cooking and then the camera cuts to her face. She’s crying.)
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Rachel and Joey are present. Joey’s on the phone)
Joey: Is Crystal there? Joey Tribbiani. (Pause) I know I was supposed to call you a week ago but I’ve been on assignment in Africa. (Pause) Yeah, General Hospital was doing a shoot over there. I was taking care of an elephant. (Pause) Do you wanna go out tonight? (pause) OK I’ll pick you up at seven. (Pause) What should you wear? I don’t know, surprise me. (Pause) Yes, wearing underwear is optional. (Pause) No, I won’t be wearing any. (Pause) OK, I’ll see you at seven. (Joey hangs up – to Rachel) Well I’ve got a date for tonight.
Rachel: You’re pathetic. Africa? You don’t even know where Africa is.
Joey: What? What are you talking about? Africa is in Europe. Besides, Crystal is as hot as they come.
Rachel: She sounds real classy. She actually wanted to know if underwear was optional?
Joey: Yeah. I only go out with women who don’t wear underwear and she knows that.
Rachel: You went out with Phoebe.
Joey: Technically we didn’t go out, we just did it 32 times. Do you wear underwear?
Rachel: Sorry, I do.
Joey: Thong?
Rachel: I’m not answering that question.
Joey: Come on Rach, you wear thongs don’t you?
Rachel: I told you I’m not answering that question.
Joey: I think you wear thongs.
Rachel: Then let your imagination run wild. Do you think Ross will like the jacket I got him?
Joey: Sure.
Rachel: Maybe if I gave it to him completely naked.
Joey: You can give me the jacket then.
Rachel: Sorry Joe, I’m a one man woman now. Anyway, I have to go see Carol and Susan, do you wanna come?
Joey: Who are they?
Rachel: You know who they are.
Joey: I do?
Rachel: Ross’s ex-wife and her lesbian partner.
Joey: We get to see lesbians. I’m totally there.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Phoebe are present)
Chandler: Tell me why again that Norm is picking you up here?
Phoebe: So he doesn’t know where I live.
Chandler: Ah, why are you going out with him if you don’t want him to know where you live?
Phoebe: Just in case he turns out to be a total loser.
Chandler: I thought you said he was cool.
Phoebe: He is. But if it’s anything like when I first met you, then I wanna be sure that he doesn’t know where I live.
Chandler: That makes sense.
Phoebe: I’m kidding.
(Monica enters)
Monica: Hey guys.
Phoebe: How are you doing Mon?
Monica: I’m fine.
Phoebe: So you’re OK with Rachel being pregnant?
Chandler: She knows?
Monica: I know and I really am OK with it. So I take it that your date is picking you up here Pheebs.
Phoebe: How’d you know?
Monica: Cool vs. Loser, you’re undecided.
Phoebe: You know me too well.
CAROL & SUSAN’S APARTMENT (Carol, Susan and Ben are present. There’s a knock on the door.)
Carol: Who is it?
Rachel: It’s Rachel and Joey.
(Carol opens the door)
Carol: Hey guys.
Joey: How you doin'?
Carol: Pretty good.
Joey: I’m hungry. You got any food?
Carol: Help yourself.
Rachel: You can’t take that boy anywhere.
Susan: Hi Rachel.
Rachel: Hey Susan. Where’s Ben?
Susan: He’s in his room moping. Carol and I told him that he couldn’t have ice cream for dinner.
(Joey emerges from the kitchen. He’s eating ice cream)
Joey: What’s wrong with ice cream for dinner?
Susan: Apparently nothing in your case.
Carol: So what’s up?
Rachel: I got this idea for Ross’s birthday present.
Joey: You guys are all gonna get it on with him?
Rachel: Shut up Joey!
Susan: So what’s your idea?
Rachel: I figured that the three of us and Ben take a picture together. It’d be like a picture of Ben’s three mommies and Ben of course.
Carol: That is a good idea.
Susan: Are you sure I should be in it?
Rachel: Why wouldn’t you be?
Susan: Ah, the fact that Ross doesn’t like me rings a bell.
Rachel: Oh he just acts that way when you’re around. When he’s alone with me he always comments on what a great mommy you are.
Susan: Really?
Rachel: Yeah.
Carol: Ah, what about me?
Rachel: You too Carol. Ross just wishes he had more time with Ben.
Carol: How does three whole weeks in row sound?
Rachel: Are you serious?
Susan: Yeah. Carol and I are going away to San Francisco for three weeks.
Joey: Ah yes, the gay capital of the United States.
Rachel: Joey!
Carol: It’s OK Rach, that is why we’re going there.
Rachel: So do you guys have time to take the picture?
Carol: When do you wanna do it?
Rachel: Well being that Ross’s birthday is in a week, I figured sometime this week.
Susan: How about Wednesday?
Rachel: Sounds good. Let’s go Tribbiani.
Joey: Can I have this?
Susan: Take it.
Joey: Lesbians rock.
Rachel (to Carol and Susan): I’m sorry I brought Joey, but it was my turn to babysit.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Rachel and Joey are present)
Phoebe: Now look, I don’t want you guys embarrassing me when Norm gets here.
Chandler: We wouldn’t do that to you Phoebe, we all care for you.
Monica: Yeah Pheebs, I’ll make sure Chandler behaves himself.
Ross: What about me?
Phoebe: You’re a geek like Norm, so I’m not really worried about you.
Ross: Huh, I’m not a geek. I guess I’ll have to embarrass you.
Monica: Ross honey, you are a geek. You teach a class about dinosaurs and you have a dinosaur collection that you still play with.
Ross: Whatever.
(there’s a knock on the door)
Phoebe: Now that’s Norm, don’t say a word. (opens the door to reveal Norm who is actually a very good looking man) Hey Norm. Ready to go?
Norm: Can’t I at least meet your friends?
Phoebe: Sure. That’s Monica (points to Monica) That’s Chandler, Monica’s husband. Oh and that’s Ross, the geek I was telling you about. (Ross is now furious)
Norm: Nice to meet you all.
Ross: Hey Norm, watch out for Phoebe tonight. She really likes to tie down her dates to the bed post and leave them there. (Now Phoebe is furious)
Norm: Thanks, I’ll remember that.
(Joey and Rachel enter)
Rachel: Hi! I don’t know you. I’m Ross’s wife Rachel.
Norm (to Phoebe): I thought you said Ross was a geek. His wife is totally hot.
Phoebe: Trust me, he’s a geek.
Joey: Hey, you must be Norm. I’m Joey. Watch out for Phoebe, she can go all night if you know what I mean.
Norm: Have you dated Phoebe in the past?
Joey: No, we just have sex together when our dating lives are slow.
Phoebe (who now wants to kill Joey): OK, that’s why I didn’t want you to meet my friends.
All: Bye Phoebe, bye Norm.
(Phoebe and Norm leave)
Joey: Where were they going?
Monica: I think they were going to Sorrentino’s.
Joey: Cool. I better go pick up Crystal.
Ross: Who’s Crystal?
Rachel: Joey’s underwearless date for the evening.
Chandler: Still holding women up to your clothing standards I see Joey.
Joey: Of course, there’s no other way to judge a woman’s sexual potential. She just better be wearing a dress.
Rachel (to Joey): You define the word pig.
Chandler: Ready to go Ross?
Ross: Yeah.
Monica: Where are you two off to?
Chandler: I told you, we’re going to the coffee house.
Monica: Fine.
Rachel: Ross, aren’t you gonna ask me if you can go?
Ross (whining): Rach, what did I tell you about that?
(Chandler and Ross go to leave)
Chandler (to Ross): Dude, you’re more whipped then I am.
Monica: I heard that Chandler.
Chandler: We better go before Monica changes her mind.
(Chandler and Ross leave)
Rachel: I guess it’s just like old times, you and I alone on a Saturday night. Actually, there’s something I have been meaning to tell you….
Monica (breaking down in tears): I know. You’re pregnant.
SORRENTINO’S (Phoebe and Norm are having dinner)
Norm: So was Joey being serious?
Phoebe: About what?
Norm: That you two have casual sex.
Phoebe: Had. We had casual sex once. We don’t do that anymore.
Norm: So there’s nothing going on between you two.
Phoebe: Nope. He’s just my best friend. Enough about me, what do you like to do?
Norm: I like to pick-up garbage. I walk down the street and if I see garbage, I have to pick it up.
Phoebe: Oh, so you’re like an environmentalist. I really like people like that.
Norm: No it’s much more than that. I hate garbage.
Phoebe: Wow! That’s like superhero stuff.
Norm: Well, I don’t like to brag.
(Joey and Crystal enter)
Phoebe (hiding behind the menu): Oh my God, what is he doing here?
Norm: Who?
Phoebe: Joey, Joey’s here with his date.
Norm: Should I invite them over?
(Joey sees Norm and Phoebe)
Phoebe: No.
Joey: Hey guys, funny to bump into you here. Norm, Phoebe, this is Crystal.
Norm/Phoebe: Hi.
Joey: Do you mind if we join you?
Phoebe: Yes we mind.
Norm: Come on Phoebe, that’s no way to treat your friends. Have a seat guys.
Crystal: I just love this place Joey, it’s so much classier than the place we normally go.
Phoebe: Where’s that?
Crystal: Burger World.
Joey: So what are you guys doing after dinner?
Norm: We’re going to the movies. Have you seen Rock Star?
Phoebe: Yes he has.
Joey (to Phoebe): No I haven’t. Isn’t that the movie Jennifer is in?
Phoebe: Yes it is Joey.
Joey: We are so there.
Crystal: Wow! A fancy dinner and a trip to the movies, you’re gonna get so lucky Joey.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Continued from before)
Rachel: Who told you Mon?
Monica: Phoebe and Ross.
Rachel: I’m gonna kill those two. Come here honey, it’s gonna be OK
Monica: I really am happy for you.
Rachel: I know. I didn’t mean for you to find out from them.
Monica: I know. I don’t know why I’m crying, I really am happy for you.
Rachel: You’re crying because, well you know why.
Monica: I thought I was over the whole miscarriage thing. I guess I’m not.
Rachel: Mon, you lost something that was very important to you. That’s gonna take some time to get over. Hey, don’t forget, the doctor said you can still have children.
Monica: But you’re the one knocked up and not me.
Rachel: True. (Pause) But hey, that doesn’t mean we can’t sleep together anymore.
Monica: Sorry, I don’t sleep with pregnant women.
Rachel: If only your brother was like that.
Monica: This is why I love you.
Rachel: What?
Monica: You’re always there to comfort me when I’m down.
Rachel: That’s what best friends are for.
Closing Credits
JOEY’S (PHOEBE’S) APARTMENT (Joey is in bed with someone)
Joey: Well that was definitely better than the last time.
(A woman from under the covers speaks but you can’t hear her.)
Joey: I didn’t hear you.
Phoebe: I said, you bet your ass that was better than last time.
End