(SCENE: Rachel & Monica's. Chandler is by the oven, cooking bacon in his dressing gown.)

(The bacon spits on his bare chest)

CHAN: Ow, ow, ow!

(Rachel comes out of his room)

RACH: Morning, Monica…Chandler! You are wearing…not very much!

CHAN: Oh, does this bother you?

RACH: Yes!

CHAN: Well, I'm cooking Monica's breakfast.

(Rachel walks over to where Chandler is cooking)

RACH: Chandler?

CHAN: Yeah?

RACH: When bacon's cooked, is it normally black?

(Chandler looks down at the pan, and screams)

RACH: I think you should leave the cooking part to Mon.

CHAN: But I wanna make Mon some breakfast!

(Rachel moves over to the cupboard and gets out a box of cereal. She bangs it on Chandler's chest)

CHAN (reading the box): Wheato-Break And Rye? (looks up) Will she like that?

RACH: Trust me, she'll like them more than… (struggles for words and looks at pan) that.

CHAN: Okay, okay. So I'm not a very good cook.

RACH: Yeah!

(Monica comes out of her room, rubbing her eyes)

MON: Morning.

CHAN: You're supposed to be in bed! I was gonna make you breakfast.

MON: Well, I got bored after an hour.

RACH: An hour? (to Chandler) It took you an hour to cook black bacon?!

(Chandler glares at her, and she makes a face at him)

MON: So where is breakfast?

CHAN (grabbing the box of Wheato-Break): Right here!

MON: Wheato-Break?

CHAN: Yeah! I went to the store and bought it! Just for you…

MON: Aww…

RACH: Liar!

MON/CHAN: What?

RACH: I got the Wheato-Break from the cupboard after Chandler showed me the remains of his bacon.

(She holds up the pan)

MON (to Chandler): Why did you lie to me?

CHAN: Cos…I…don't know…

MON: Well, I am gonna teach you to cook!

(Rachel starts laughing.)

CHAN: What?

RACH: Oh nothing…

(She goes over to a cupboard by the door, and gets out a fire extinguisher, which she places by Chandler's feet)

RACH: Good luck, Mon.

(Monica laughs, uneasily)

OPENING CREDITS

(SCENE: Phoebe is out in the park, throwing bread to birds)

PHOE: Eat, little birds!

(A sparrow walks up to her, and starts pecking her feet)

PHOE: Ow! Not me!

(She walks off, looking behind her as she goes, scared)

PHOE: Birds! Ew!

(A snobby woman comes up to her)

WMN (British accent): Excuse me?

PHOE: Yes?

WMN: I was watching you-

PHOE: Okay, that's very rude.

WMN: I'm sorry. Anyway, I was watching you and I noticed you have a Look about you…

PHOE: A Look? What kind of Look?

WMN: Well, have you ever been interested in modelling?

PHOE: Modelling?

WMN: Yes. I've been looking for someone like you to model the latest Spring Collection for our clothes company.

PHOE: Oh?

WMN: It wouldn't be much. You’d get paid at least $2,000. I'm sorry it wont be much.

(Phoebe looks astounded)

PHOE: Not much? That's a lot!

WMN: I suppose… (under breath) Amateur.

PHOE: So when do I start?

WMN: Well, if you come with me now, I can start getting you fitted.

PHOE: Okay! (pause) But you're not gonna kidnap me, right?

(The woman sighs)

(SCENE: M&R's. Monica & Chandler are there, in the kitchen area.)

MON: Okay. We're gonna start by making a simple salad.

CHAN: A salad?! Who do you think I am?

MON: A really bad cook.

CHAN: Oh. As long as I know. But I can make a salad, you know. I'm not culinarily challenged.

MON: You know that's not a word right?

CHAN: Yeah…

MON: Okay, you julienne the carrots, and I'll do the lettuce.

CHAN: What?

MON: You wanna do the lettuce?

CHAN: Yeah! (pauses) Monica? What's julienne?

MON: Chandler! Just forget that. Um, wash the lettuce then. And cut it really thinly.

(Chandler starts to wash the lettuce. He takes it over to a chopping board on the table. He starts to cut, and screams)

MON: What?! Did you cut yourself? Are you okay?

CHAN: Hah! Gotcha!

MON: Chandler! That's not funny. Cookery is serious. It's my job. Would you like it if I came into your work, and pretended to…What do you do again?

CHAN: I'm a data processor!! Why does no-one ever know that??

MON: Okay. Calm down, honey. Anyway, the point is, you wouldn't like it if I pretended to mess up your data processy stuff!

CHAN: That's not a word either. Processy, I mean.

(Monica rolls her eyes)

(Joey & Ross enter)

JOEY: Hey! What's going on?

MON: I'm teaching Chandler to cook.

(Joey and Ross look at eachother, then crack up)

CHAN: What's so funny?

ROSS: Nothing. Just you…cooking.

JOEY: Yeah. I mean, the only thing you ever do to prepare a meal is call the takeout place.

MON: I'm sure that's not true. (looks at Chandler) That's not true, right?

CHAN: Right. Right, right, right.

JOEY: Wrong, wrong, wrong.

CHAN: What are you talking about?

JOEY: The last time you tried to cook, you set the stove thing on fire!

MON: You told me Joey did that!

CHAN: He was distracting me!

JOEY(to Monica): I was watching Baywatch.

CHAN: Same thing! All those girls, running aro-

(Sees Monica glaring at him, and stops)

ROSS: Maybe we should forget this. Chandler, I think it's great that Monica's teaching you to cook. (to Monica) Do you have a fire extinguisher?

(Monica holds it up)

MON: Right here.

(Phoebe enters)

ALL: Hey Phoebs!

PHOE: Hey! Ooh, guess what?!

MON: What is it?

PHOE: I am gonna be a model!

ALL: That's great!

JOEY: You're gonna be modelling stuff? What kinda stuff? Is it, like, lingerie?

MON: Joey! Chandler wouldn't say something like that. (to Chandler) Would you?

CHAN: N-n-no…

(Joey laughs)

CHAN: Shutup…

JOEY: Sorry.

(He starts to laugh again)

MON: So Phoebe, how did this happen?

PHOE: Well, I was being eaten by the birds again…Can you believe they still wanna eat me! Anyway, this British woman came up to me, and was like (puts on a BAD British accent) 'Will you come and work for me and my British chums?'

(She laughs)

ROSS: Really, she said that?

PHOE: Well, no. But she did ask me to come and model for her. She said I had the Look.

MON: That's great! Hey, do I have the Look? (she smiles)

(Phoebe smirks)

PHOE: Don't kid yourself, honey.

(Monica's smile disappears from her face)

(Rachel enters)

RACH: Hey guys! So, I was out shopping, and-

ROSS: Are you gonna be a model too?

RACH: What? No!

ROSS: Didn't think so…

(Rachel pulls a face)

MON: So what did you wanna tell us Rach?

(Rachel holds up a Bloomindales bag)

RACH: Half price Donna Karen suit!!

CHAN(sarcastic): Great.

RACH(not getting the sarcasm): I know!!

(SCENE: Photoshoot for the modelling company. Phoebe enters)

(She walks over to the reception area)

PHOE: Excuse me?

(Receptionist will be RCPT)

RCPT: Yes?

PHOE: Do you know where, um, Elizabeth Jenkins is?

RCPT: Are you the coffee girl then?

PHOE: No! I'm the new model!

(The receptionist looks her up and down disapprovingly)

RCPT: You?

PHOE: Yes! Now where is Ms Jenkins, please.

RCPT: I'll just get her for you. Hang on a second.

(Phoebe looks around. A leggy blond walks past her, and laughs)

BLOND: Are you a model?

PHOE: Yes! Why, are you?

BLOND: Yes. And, um, you might wanna lose some weight if you're thinking about serious modelling. (pause) No offence though.

PHOE(sarcastic): None taken.

(The blond walks off, smirking)

(Jenkins will now be listed as JENK)

PHOE: Oo! Ms Jenkins! Hello!

JENK: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

PHOE: I'm the girl you met in the park. You said I had the Look.

JENK: Are you sure?

PHOE: Yuh-huh!

JENK: First of all, I don't hire models that say yuh-huh. Second, you look a bit, well, on the chubby side. Call me when you've lost about a stone.

(Phoebe is lost for words. Ms Jenkins walks off)

(The blond reappears)

BLOND: Told you.

PHOE: You know, I could take you!

(The blond rushes off in a hurry)

PHOE: Hah.

(END SCENE: M&R's. The room is candlelit, and Chandler is serving up food to Monica)

CHAN: You are gonna love this. I used all the information you gave me, and I cooked a whole meal.

MON: I hope so!

(Chandler finishes serving. Monica tastes it, and obviously thinks it tastes disgusting)

CHAN: So?

MON: Mmm…

CHAN: That bad? C'mon!

MON: Yeah. That bad. This is based on my cooking?

CHAN: Well, yeah.

MON: Great.

CHAN: What's wrong?

MON: Well, now I'm gonna have to close down my restaurant!

CHAN: Shutup!

MON: Sorry.

(Joey enters)

MON: Hey! Want some food?

JOEY: Sure!

(He takes a bite, and spits it out)

JOEY: What the…Are you trying to kill me?!

(Monica starts laughing. Joey looks disgusted, and Chandler looks bored with all the comments on his bad cooking)

CHAN: So, I guess I should cancel that cookery course, huh?

MON: Oh, yeah. Otherwise, you'd be on the news for poisoning a large group)

CHAN: I am so gonna get you!

(They start chasing eachother round the room, much to Joey's disgust)

JOEY: Bye guys!

(He leaves in a hurry)