Written by: Kathryn

(Scene: A street. Monica and Chandler are walking, talking and holding hands)

MON: So, do you think we should go to The Plaza or Le Petit Manger for dinner?

CHAN: What?

MON: Dinner. Where do you wanna go?

CHAN: Um, The Plaza.

MON: Okay. Are we splitting the bill?

CHAN: No, I'll pay. Now Joey's got this role, I have more money to waste.

MON: Great.

(A very attractive woman walks past, and Chandler gawks at her as she walks past)

(Monica notices and hits him)

MON: Chandler!

CHAN: Ow! What was that for?

MON: You were staring at that girls ass!

CHAN: No I wasn't!

MON: Well, what were you staring at? (sarcastic) Her shoes?

CHAN: Yeah…

MON: Well, what colour were they?

CHAN: Gorgeous…Green?

MON: They were black!

CHAN: Oh…Just testing.

MON: I can't believe you! You were so obvious too!

CHAN: How was I…

(He stops as another girl walks past. He gazes at her too)

(Monica whacks him even harder)

CHAN: Okay, that's starting to get a little annoying!

MON: And so are you?

CHAN: What did I do??

MON: You know what you did! You were staring at her ass this time!

CHAN: No!!

MON: Oh, just forget it! Look, let's go to dinner.

CHAN: Okay. (pauses) (sees another hot girl) Oh wow.

(Monica drags him down the street, him moaning all the way)

OPENING CREDITS

(Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe & Rachel are there, chatting)

(Monica enters.)

RACH/PHOE: Hey Mon!

MON: Hey.

RACH: So, how was dinner?

MON: Well, it would've been great, but-

PHOE: It wasn't great? Why?

MON: Chandler kept staring at every girl that he saw like they were models or something.

RACH: Ah, honey…Don't worry about it. Every guy does it.

MON: Yeah, but…

PHOE: Rachel's right. All my boyfriends looked at the opposite sex! Do you remember Sid?

MON/RACH: Yeah!

PHOE: Well, he always looked at women! (pauses) But he was a woman eater.

RACH: He can't have been that flirty…

PHOE: No, he actually was a woman eater.

MON: Oh. Well, I guess that's different.

(Chandler & Joey enter)

CHAN: Hey guys!

JOEY: Hey!

GIRLS: Hey!

(Chandler leans down to give Monica a kiss, but she turns her head away)

CHAN: Huh? (realises) Oh you aren't still mad about that!

JOEY: About what?

CHAN: I was looking at this girl, and she's all jealous.

MON: I am not jealous, and it wasn't one girl, it was 6!

CHAN: Not that you counted or anything. (he raises eyebrows)

(Monica makes a face at him)

(Ross enters)

ROSS: Hey! (to Chandler and Joey) Did you see that girl out there? Wow!

JOEY: No…

CHAN: Well, don't look at her ass, Monica might get mad at you!

(Monica glares at Chandler)

ROSS: What?

CHAN: Nothing…

ROSS: Oh.

JOEY: Hey, you know what? I've got my first rehearsal tomorrow!

ALL: Oh, that's so great!

MON: So you'll be rehearsing with Morgan Freeman? That is so cool!

JOEY: I know!

PHOE: And this is gonna go on the big screen?

JOEY: Uh huh!

RACH: So you'll get a lot of publicity, huh?

JOEY: That's right! Hey, check this out. (Turns his thumb and forefinger into the shape of a phone and makes a ringing sounds) Hello? No, you must have the wrong digits.

(The others smile)

JOEY (continuing): I dunno. Who's John Jones? Well, I…hey, the lines gone dead! (stops) So what d'ya think guys?

ROSS: It sounds great, Joey.

RACH: Yeah! You'll be in Hollywood in no time!

JOEY: Thanks.

MON: I love Morgan Freeman. He's so smooth.

RACH: And so sexy for an older man…

CHAN: Well, I hope you like the acting too…cos otherwise that's not right when you're in (mimics Monica) 'a relationship'.

MON: Shutup, Chandler.

ROSS: What's wrong with you two? You've been winding each other up since I've been here.

CHAN: Well, we were walking down the street, and I was looking- (Monica elbows him) Ow! (realises that Ross is the one he is talking to)

ROSS: You were walking down the street, and what?

MON: We saw this couple, and the guy kept looking at girls. So I went and had a talk with the guy.

CHAN: You embarrassed him in broad daylight!

MON: He deserved it!

CHAN: In front of tons of people!

MON: Well, if he hadn't looked, he wouldn't be missing out tonight (pauses)…Probably. I mean, I don't know. It's not like I'm in the couple or anything…

ROSS: Okay…I think you two have issues.

CHAN: No! Cos, you know, only couples have issues-

MON: And we're not a couple.

ROSS: Okay…you don't have issues. But you have-

CHAN: Nothing!

ROSS: Nothing. Okay. I'm gonna go now. You're scaring me.

PHOE: Bye Ross.

RACH: See ya.

JOEY: And don't worry about those two!

CHAN (panicked): What is all this? There is no us two!!

ROSS: Bye.

(Ross leaves in a hurry)

MON (to Chandler): Well, you handled that well!

CHAN: What?

(Monica rolls eyes)

PHOE: So, Joey, tell us more about the movie.

JOEY: Well, I play, check this out, Clint Owen. And he gets these calls. Then he goes out to the movies, and on the way back to his car, he gets slashed through the back-

CHAN: So he literally gets stabbed in the back!

JOEY: Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, Morgan is the investigator person from the BIF-

MON: FBI.

JOEY: What?

MON: The FBI, not BIF.

JOEY: So? Can I talk now? And Morgan finds all these clues, and works out the crime!

RACH: Like in Seven, but without Brad Pitt?

JOEY: I dunno.

PHOE: So, when will it come out in the (enthusiastic) movies?

JOEY: Not for, like, 2 years.

MON: Well, I gotta go. I have a restaurant to run.

CHAN: Hey, am I really missing out tonight?

(Monica raises eyebrows, smiles and walks out)

CHAN: Oh great.

(Scene: C &J's. It's all dark inside)

(Chandler enters)

CHAN: Hello?

(He turns on lights)

CHAN: I'm alone. Great.

(Phone rings. Chandler picks it up)

CHAN: Hello? (pause) Who is this? (pause) Okay, um, well you have the wrong number.

(He puts the phone down. It rings again, and he answers it)

CHAN: Hello? (pauses) Look, you have the wrong number! (pause) A knife? In our kitchen? Why? (pauses) N-n-no, I'm not scared.

(Knock on door)

(Chandler drops the phone and screams)

(He opens the door slowly, to find Monica, holding a phone and grinning)

MON: Hey.

CHAN: You…

(He throws her phone, picks her up and carries her off to his room)

(END SCENE: C &J's. Monica and Chandler are sitting together, watching Scream.)

CHAN: So, is this where you got the idea from?

MON: No, from Joey's movie.

CHAN: Oh. Look, about the whole ass thing, do you forgive me?

MON: Yeah. I guess.

CHAN: And no more scary stuff?

MON: Nope. Oh hang on a sec, I dropped some popcorn under the sofa. I'll just get it.

(She goes under the sofa for a couple of seconds, and appears with a scream mask on)

(Chandler screams, jumps up and spills all his popcorn)

MON: HA!

END