(SCENE: Central Perk. Chandler & Monica are sitting together, drinking coffee and talking)

MON: So, what are you getting me for Valentine's Day?

CHAN: That's a surprise. Like I'm gonna tell you.

(He kisses her on the cheek)

MON: Was that it?

CHAN: What?

MON: The present!

CHAN: No!!

(He kisses her again for longer)

CHAN: That was it.

MON: Really?

CHAN: No…

(Janice (JAN) enters, and sees Chandler kiss Monica)

JAN: OH-MY-GOD!

CHAN: Janice?

JAN: Chandler Bing, I knew you'd be here!

CHAN: W-what are you doing here?

JAN: I came to see you, but I guess you're busy so I'll just go…

MON: No, don't. It's okay.

JAN: So are you two a couple?

MON (smiles): Yeah…

JAN: That is so cute! I'm gonna get you a present! Oooh, a picture of you two. With glitter and a silver frame! With (makes hand motions) "WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT?" on it! Not really, I'm joking! (does the laugh- yes that one!)

(Chandler and Monica fake laugh)

CHAN: It is so funny!

JAN: I know!! (laughs again- ugh) I have to go. Bye!

(Janice leaves)

MON: Wow.

CHAN: What?

MON: I can't believe she took it so well.

CHAN: What makes you say that?

MON: Well, you dated her on and off for years! I mean, if it were me I wouldn't be too happy.

CHAN: I guess. But lets not think about it, okay?

MON: Okay.

(Joey enters.)

JOEY: Hey! Guess who I just saw kicking in a dustbin?

MON: Who?

JOEY: Janice.

(Chandler and Monica look at each other, and Monica throws her head back)

OPENING CREDITS

(Scene: Monica & Rachel's. Monica has her head in the fridge, and is talking to Rachel, who is sitting at the table)

RACH: So you saw Janice? Wow, that must've been uncomfortable.

MON: Well, not at first...but Joey said he saw her looking bummed out, so I dunno.

RACH: I'm sure she doesn’t care.

MON: But you were all jealous when Ross was with Bonnie, and he was like that with you and Mark.

RACH: But there was no me and Mark.

MON: I know, but there was a Ross and Bonnie, which you did not take well.

RACH: And that's why I don't wanna talk about it.

MON: Okay. But I'm right.

RACH: No, you're not. I'm sure Janice couldn't care less what you do with Chandler. I know I don't.

MON (accenting W): What?

RACH: Sorry. I didn't mean that.

MON: Okay.

RACH: Hey, are you coming to Central Perk? Phoebe's playing her new songs.

MON: When?

RACH: In about (looks at watch) 15 minutes.

MON: Well, let's go!

(They go)

(SCENE: Central Perk. The whole gang are there, and Phoebe is playing her guitar, warming up)

WAITRESS: And now presenting, Phoebe Buffay!

PHOE: Hi. This first song is called Hyperactive Annie. It means a lot to me.

(She starts to play, and half way through Janice enters)

JAN (whispers): Hi!

ALL: Hi…

JAN (whispers): I'll just sit down here.

(Plonks herself between Chandler and Monica)

(Phoebe finishes, and all but Ross, Janice and Joey go over to talk to Phoebe)

JAN: She's a great singer, no?

ROSS: Oh yeah.

JOEY: I think so.

JAN: Can I tell you guys something?

BOTH: Sure. Go ahead.

JAN (lowers voice): Well, it's about Chandler and Monica.

(Joey's eyes go wide, and he looks worried.)

ROSS (confused): What about them?

JAN: Well, I'm not sure if I can see them together, you know?

ROSS: Why?

JAN: Well, weren't you uncomfortable when you saw Rachel with her boyfriends? Cos she was your old girlfriend, right? Well that's like me and Chandler…

ROSS: What?

JAN: Well, I'm just-

JOEY (panicked): So, um, Janice, how's the marriage?

JAN: Joey, you know I'm divorced. Anyway, I just can't wrap myself around this whole Chandler-Monica thing!

ROSS: What thing?

JAN: Well, them dating of course!

(Ross's face turns to complete confusion. Joey's eyes go even wider, and he looks panicked)

ROSS: What are you talking about?

JAN: Oh-my-god!

ROSS: What's going on? (calls) Monica!

(Monica comes over)

MON: What?

ROSS: Can you please tell me what Janice is talking about?

MON: What was Jani- (realises) I have to go over there (points to door) for a sec…

ROSS: No, wait! I wanna know what's going on!

MON: Not here.

(She calls over Chandler)

MON: We…us three…are going to my apartment to talk!

CHAN: Okay…What's going on?

ROSS: That's what I want to know!

(They leave)

(SCENE: M &R's. Monica, Chandler & Ross enter)

ROSS: Now what the hell was Janice talking about??

CHAN: Well, I dunno. (realises) Oh…That.

ROSS: So, did you wanna explain?

MON: Ross, it's not like you think…

ROSS: Well, what is it like then?

CHAN: Well we are, you know, dating…

ROSS (angry): I can't believe this! How long have you been running around behind our backs??

CHAN: Your back…I shouldn't have said that, should I?

ROSS: They all know? (Chandler and Monica nod) How long has it been going on?

MON: A few months, I guess.

ROSS: How?

MON: Well, I was drunk at the pre-wedding dinner, and well-

ROSS (angry): Wait a sec…The wedding??

MON: Ross…

ROSS(angry): This happened at the wedding?

CHAN: Look, man, I-

ROSS: Don't 'man' me! You're not my man anymore!

CHAN: When was I ever?

ROSS: You know what I mean! And don't start being Mr Funny cos it's not gonna make me forget this! (pauses) I better go. I can't stay here.

MON: Ross…

ROSS: Just don't, Monica. Don't.

(He leaves, slamming the door)

MON: What are we gonna do?

CHAN: Kill Janice?

(They hug)

(SCENE: Central Perk. Janice is sitting drinking coffee, looking guilty)

(Chandler enters)

CHAN: So, did you come back to do what you did, or was it just some coincidence?

JAN: Chandler, I didn't know that Ross didn't know, okay? It's your fault anyway!

CHAN: How is it my fault?!

JAN: You should've been straight with him. None of this would've happened if you'd just told him!

CHAN: I…That's s…You're right. I guess.

JAN: See, it's not my fault, right? You don't blame me?

CHAN: Oh, I still blame you.

JAN: But we're friends?

CHAN: Yeah, okay. We're friends.

(Ross enters)

ROSS: Oh, look. It's Mr Betrayal. I have to go.

CHAN: Ross, don't be like that!

ROSS: Well, how would you feel if I was fooling around with your sister?

CHAN: I don't have a sister!

ROSS: Okay, your mum!

CHAN: You did fool around with my mum!

ROSS: That was years ago. I'm not even gonna talk about this. Bye.

(Ross leaves. Chandler shouts after him)

CHAN: And anyway…(pauses, searching for something to say) At least I'm not dating a lesbian!

ROSS (from outside): How do you know that?

(Chandler looks confused. He sits down, trying to work out what Ross just said)

(END SCENE: C & J's. Chandler is watching TV)

(Monica enters, and kisses him on the cheek)

MON: Hey!

CHAN: So, what've you been doing today?

MON: Oh, I went to the gym. And I worked. Why?

CHAN: No reason. (pauses) Can I ask you something?

MON: Sure, honey. What?

CHAN: Are you a lesbian?

MON: What? Chandler! (she hits him lightly on the head)

CHAN: Oh, never mind.

END