The One Where Janice Is Back (With a Vengeance)
Written by: Mineliz Febus
Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner
Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit. And not really directed by Wes Craven, of course.
(Chandler is at the supermarket, he grabs a cart and goes straight to the bakery section and grabs a box with cheesecake in it when suddenly he hears those three little words that have annoyed him every time)
Janice: OH MY GOD!!! (If you don't know whom she is by now then you've missed out a lot)
Chandler: (Shocked and not knowing what to do) Hum, Janice, hi!
(At the supermarket, Chandler's only wish is to get out of there as soon as possible but now Janice is holding him and doing her annoying emotional act)
Janice: Oh God, my Bing-A-Ling! When did you get back from Yemen?
Janice: Yes, Yemen! You left to Yemen two years ago remember?
Chandler: (remembering) Oh yes! Yemen, yes! I-I-I- I got back.... Yesterday!
Janice: And why didn't you call me Chandler Bing?
Chandler: (not knowing what to say) I hmm, I was tired, from the trip. (Thinking again) Hum, yeah, that.
Janice: I understand sweet tuch now come over here and give Janice a wet one! (She goes to kiss Chandler but he brushes off her)
Chandler: Huh, there's something I gotta tell you. Janice, Janice---- hi Janice! Hum I wasn't in Yemen.
Janice: (Confused) What?
Chandler: I didn't go to Yemen. I was just trying to get rid of you (runs away from her and hides behind a soda pile.)
Janice: (Trying not to show she's hurt) that's okay.
Chandler: (Picks his head and then comes out of the pile) really?
Janice: Yeah, that's fine.
(Chandler walks away from her grabs the cart to continue to do groceries. Janice follows him. Chandler goes to the frozen food section and before he can pick up the stuff...)
Janice: (Predicting what Chandler's about to pick up) frozen chicken patties, pizza pockets and a macaroni and cheese dinner for Joey. (Chandler looks back at her as if in amazement.)
(Monica and Rachel's; Monica notices something she's never seen before by the window.)
Monica: Oh my God, Rachel!
Rachel: (Reading a fashion magazine in the chair) What?
Monica: There's a cockroach, and it came from that corner!
Rachel: Then just kill it Monica!
(Monica rushes to get the broom and smacks the cockroach about 6 times, banging the broom like a maniac)
Rachel: (Sarcastically) I think it's dead.
Monica: (turning into her super-neurotic powers) we never had roaches here before! If it came from this corner then that must mean there are more in there. I have to get to the bottom of that wall until they're all dead, DEAD!
Rachel: Mon, what is the big deal, it's just a roach.
Monica: (opens her eyes wide) just a roach! Just a roach! (Lifts up the broom)
Rachel: (taking several steps back) Okay get that thing away from me!
Phoebe: Hey guys, what's going on?
Monica: There are roaches here!
Phoebe: What? How can that be possible, this is like the cleanest apartment in the universe!
Rachel: Oh God, she saw one lousy roach that probably just came in here by mistake and she's now assuming that there are like hundreds of them inside that wall.
Phoebe: Oh yes that can happen. Because where I live, I found some ants on one of my corners, and then the exterminator guy which by the way was really, really cute, opened the wall and there were like thousands of ants... no, millions.... no billions of ants and... (Rachel motioned Phoebe to shut up.) ...and then they lived happily ever after, the end!
(Monica has a worried look on her and is looking at the corner wall)
Rachel: (to Phoebe) she's gonna do it!
(At the supermarket, Chandler is trying to do the groceries but Janice keeps following him, so far predicting every item he has picked up and so far she's right about all of them. They are now at the cleaning items' section Chandler trying to outsmart Janice)
Chandler: Ah-ha I bet you have no idea what I'm gonna pick up here!
Janice: Neither do you, you never buy cleaning items silly! (Does the annoying laugh)
(Chandler gives Janice an annoyed expression)
Janice: Hey, it's not my fault that you're so incredibly predictable. Face it Bing-A-Ling I know you more than you know yourself!
Chandler: Okay, okay why are you doing this to me?
Janice: You pretended going to Yemen in order to avoid me, huh?
Chandler: I thought you said that didn't bother you.
Janice: Well, I lied, how could you do that to me Chandler Bing? Couldn't you have been honest?
Chandler: I tried to be honest, okay? But you and your (imitating her voice) I'm not gonna let you get away this time (back to his normal voice) what else was there for me to do?
Janice: Despite of all that, you love me and we are meant to be.
Chandler: Hum, huh?
Janice: Do you know who made that cheesecake you picked up? It is mine, I made that cheesecake, I make cheesecakes and sell them to supermarkets now and you went to the bakery section and went straight to my cheesecake!
Chandler: Hum, well I didn't know this was your cheesecake, in-in fact, I hate cheesecake I didn't know this was cheesecake (makes yucky noises and drops the cheesecake to the floor)
(Joey enters and walks straight to where Chandler is.)
Joey: Hey dude, just dropped by to remind you to pick up some candles, I have a hot date coming home tonight, I gotta prep the movie set if you know what I mean? (Chandler motions as if to say he doesn't know what he means)
Chandler: Why can't you get the candles?
Joey: This is your week to do the groceries.
Chandler: Then why are you here?
Joey: To tell you to get the candles! Dude, you dropped the cheesecake, we love that cheesecake!
(Janice does the annoying laugh)
Joey: (notices Janice and gives a frightened expression on his face) Ahhh!
Joey: Janice! Hi!
Janice: (Acting flirtatious) hellooo Joey!
Joey: (looks at Chandler) good luck dude! (Runs out of the market)
(Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is coming from work and jumps and shouts when she sees what Monica has done, she has made a hole at the corner of the wall and all you can see is Monica's legs outside.)
Rachel: What the hell did you do?
Monica: I was looking for more roaches to kill but there are none.
Rachel: I told you there were none, how come you never listen to me? Oh God, you are in desperate need of a shrink!
Monica: Rachel, I need a favor from you.
Monica: Will you pull my legs and get me out of here? I'm stuck!
(Time lapsed, and Rachel is still pulling Monica's legs trying to get her out of there. Phoebe enters and sees what's going on)
Phoebe: Oh my God! What are you guys doing?
Monica: (from inside of the hole) I'm stuck!
Phoebe: Well, don't worry, I can get you out. Once I got my head stuck in the microwave and the spirit of my dead grandmother came and rescued me so I have an idea of how to do that.
(Phoebe goes to the refrigerator and takes out a big bowl of butter)
Rachel: Phoebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe: (motions Rachel to keep quiet) Don't worry Monica, you'll be out of there in no time.
(Phoebe begins to place butter around Monica's waist)
Monica: Phoebe! What are you doing!
Phoebe: Sorry Monica but this is the only way I can get you out of here. (she finishes putting butter on Monica) okay, you should be slippery now so try to get out.
(Monica attempts to get out of the hole but can't.)
Monica: I can't Phoebe, I can't!
Phoebe: Oh God, I swore that would work. (To the air) What should I do grandma, what should I do?
(Ross enters and sees the girls and Monica's legs by the corner and the butter.)
Ross: Okay, what game is this and why am I not in it?
Rachel: Mon is stuck in this wall.
Phoebe: She was looking for roaches.
Ross: Roaches? There are no roaches here this is like, the cleanest apartment in the universe!
Phoebe: Oh my God! Déjà vu! I finally had déjà vu!
(Ross looks confused.)
Rachel: She's really stuck here, Phoebe and I have pulled and we even put butter on her and she's still stuck.
Monica: Please get me out of here, or I'm gonna go insane!
Rachel: I think you have more than reached that point Mon.
Ross: Okay, don't worry about it, let a real man do the pulling.
(He goes to Monica's legs and pulls, but he pulls so hard that he slips and falls and hits himself on the table by the window.)
Ross: (whining) Oww!
Rachel: Nice going, man!
(Ross looks embarrassed)
Monica: (from inside the wall) Ross, you didn't break or spill anything did you?
Ross: No, but I think I split my scull
Monica: Okay, great!
(At the supermarket, Chandler is now ready to pay for his groceries and Janice is still following him around.)
Janice: You're going to the credit card line because you don't carry cash with you.
Chandler: Nooo! (Goes to the credit card line)
(Janice does the annoying laugh)
Chandler: Janice, I'm sorry. Is that what you want to hear? I'm sorry I lied to you okay? But please, take a hint when somebody doesn't want to be with you. (Janice is now deadpan) Look, Janice, I have a girlfriend now, she's Monica and...
Janice: (interrupting) Monica? You're going out with Monica?
Chandler: Yes, Monica and I love her very much which means there is no future between us, okay?
Janice: You and Monica? Ha, how the hell did you that happen? (Laughs) Okay fine, I forgive you. (Thinks for a while) Hey, Joey is not seeing anybody, right?
Chandler: (stares at her and thinks for a moment) Hum, no, in fact, you should ask him out!
(Time lapsed and Chandler finished paying for the groceries and is carrying the bags and Janice is still walking behind him.)
Chandler: So, Janice, I guess I'll see you around.
Janice: Yeah, I guess.
(Chandler is about to exit the market when...)
Janice: You're going to the video store.
(Chandler turns around and looks at Janice)
Janice: You're going to rent Die Hard and porn for Joey. And don't worry--- they do accept credit cards (does the annoying laugh).
(A frustrated Chandler storms out of the market).
(Monica and Rachel's. Rachel, Phoebe and Ross are still trying to get Monica out of the wall when Joey enters.)
Joey: Hey guys can I get some candles Chandler is not back from grocery shopping and... (Notices Monica in the wall) whoa, what's going on here?
Ross: Monica is stuck in the wall.
Monica: (in the wall) Hi Joey!
Joey: Why are you stuck in the wall?
Rachel: She was looking for roaches.
Joey: Roaches, why? This is like the cleanest apartment in the whole universe!
Phoebe: Another déjà vu, God I'm on a roll today!
Joey: Okay hold on.
Ross: Joey we've all tried she's really stuck in there!
(Joey goes over to Monica's legs and effortlessly pulls and gets Monica out of the wall.)
Monica: Oh my God! Thank you Joey!
Rachel: (amazed) Joey, how did you do that?
Joey: Let's just say that I'm an expert in taking stuff out that's stuck, if you know what I mean! (With a silly grin)
(Chandler enters Monica and Rachel's apartment with guess who? Janice still chasing after him.)
Chandler: What the hell happened here?
Monica: I got stuck in the wall.
Monica: (shyly) I was looking for roaches.
Chandler: Roaches? There are no roaches here this is like the cleanest apartment in the universe!
Phoebe: Okay, now I'm totally freaked I gotta get out of here! (When she's about to exit she notices Janice) hi Janice. (Leaves)
Rachel: Janice, what are you doing here?
Monica: (with a hint of jealousy) Yeah Chandler what is Janice doing here?
Janice: I just came here to say hi to you guys. It's okay Monica I know about you and Chandler and I also know that Chandler didn't go to Yemen. He's just mad at me because I know everything he was going to get at the grocery store before he got them.
Monica: Like the frozen chicken patties and macaroni and cheese for Joey, oh and the cheesecake.
(Chandler looks annoyed)
Janice: Yup! And then he went to the video store.
Monica: To rent Die Hard and porn!
(Chandler leaves the apartment and Mon and Janice are still laughing.)