The One With Joey’s Emergency Plan
Written by: Starway Man
Date written: Thu 1 Feb 2001
Disclaimer: All the characters belong to David Crane, Marta Kaufmann and Kevin Bright Productions, NBC and Warner Bros. No infringement of copyright is intended, and no profit will be earned as a result of this work (although an act of Congress to make it otherwise would really be nice!)
Continuity: This fanfic takes place in season 7, sometime after ‘TOW They All Turn Thirty’.
Summary: After Jill and Ursula show up, Joey forgetfully arranges to see both of them on the same night. Also, Phoebe gets upset, Rachel get jealous, Ross gets a fist in his face and Chandler tries to cope with Monica’s desire for a baby. Then things get complicated.
[Fade IN to exterior shot of the Central Perk coffee shop. The background is the Greenwich Village, during a morning in the fall. Cut to the interior of Central Perk, with CHANDLER Bing and JOEY Tribbianni sitting on the couch. CHANDLER is dressed in a pale gold shirt, multi-colored sweater vest and slacks. JOEY is wearing a New York Knicks No. 23 light-grey sweater and black T-shirt underneath, and jeans]
CHANDLER: (looking at JOEY in disbelief) So, lemme see if I got this straight. You, uh, you think that Wilma Flintstone, is like the sexiest cartoon character to appear on TV? Ever?!
JOEY: (nodding seriously) Yeah, uh-huh. She rules!
CHANDLER: Riiiiight. (stares oddly at JOEY) So, then what d’you think of Betty?
JOEY: (mulling it over) Betty Rubble? Weeell, it’s like I could go out with Betty, but I’d still be thinkin’ of Wilma.
CHANDLER: (picking a name at random) Cartman’s mother from South Park?
JOEY: (shrugs) Same thing.
CHANDLER: (not believing this) Marge Simpson?
JOEY: (looks at him weird) Okay, now you’re creepin’ me out.
CHANDLER: (shaking his head) Joey, this is nuts. We’re having an insane conversation! Why on God’s green earth are we talking about, about dating cartoon characters?!
JOEY: (agreeing, regretfully nods his head) You’re right. And hey, y’know, my opinion? Wilma wouldn’t ever leave Fred and Pebbles for either of us, anyway.
[CHANDLER rests his head in his hands as GUNTHER Lockhart, the manager of Central Perk walks past them, from the left]
JOEY: (calls out to him) Hey, Gunther! You ever used to watch The Flintstones?
GUNTHER: (mutters to himself, as he walks) Thank God you don’t work here anymore.
[Cut to Friends SONG, as OPENING CREDITS sequence begins. Fade OUT to COMMERCIAL]
[Fade IN to interior shot of Central Perk. The establishment is about half-full with people. URSULA Buffay, identical twin sister of PHOEBE Buffay enters through the door, and heads for where CHANDLER and JOEY are sitting reading. URSULA is wearing a yellow skirt and a forest-green top, with shoulder-length blonde hair, as she comes to a stop at the couch]
URSULA: (looking at CHANDLER and JOEY) Oh, um, hey.
[The guys look up, thinking that it is PHOEBE]
CHANDLER & JOEY: (simultaneous) Hey, Phoebs/ Hi, Phoebe.
URSULA: (casually) Like, no, uh-uh, y’know, I’m Ursula.
[CHANDLER and JOEY recoil]
JOEY: (leans forward, somewhat nervous) Uh, hi...Urse.
URSULA: (looking at CHANDLER) Yeah. Hey, um, weird-looking guy, don’t you have somewhere else to be?
CHANDLER: (winces for a moment, as he gets up) Yes. Yes, I have that thing. That, uh, fla- heh- bluh- luh- luballa-luballa. (pauses, briefly shakes his head) Please excuse me.
[The camera follows him, as CHANDLER heads for the counter of the coffee shop. Cut back to JOEY and URSULA, as she sits down where CHANDLER was sitting]
JOEY: (still somewhat nervous) So, Ursula. Huh, it’s ah, been a long time.
URSULA: (not caring) Yeah, uh-huh, right. So how are you?
JOEY: (shrugs) Well, now that ya mention it...
URSULA: (interrupts) Right, well, okay, that’s good. Look, um, we should talk.
JOEY: (frowns) What is it?
URSULA: I, hum, I’ve talked to your agent Estelle, and, like because she’s my agent now too.
JOEY: (grins) Yeah?
URSULA: Yeah, right, 'cause she said you’d be available for a movie, y’know, if the right girl could persuade you.
JOEY: Movie? (eyes widen) Porn? You mean porn? (looks suddenly suspicious) I told Estelle, I ain’t doin’ gay porn! EVER!
URSULA: (looks surprised) No, uh-uh, I need like a replacement for my leading man, and I could get you maybe 50 dollars.
JOEY: (leans forward) Be in a movie with you? (gets an expression of joy on his face, eyes bulging out) I’LL DO IT!! (suddenly thinks about it) You-you mean, you and me...and you, though, right? (gesturing with his hands)
URSULA: (shrugs) Uh-huh, yeah. I can come by tonight, and give you like the script and stuff. Movie’s called, um, ‘Jack and The Beanstalk Woman’.
JOEY: (looking thrilled again) Y’know, if you and me are gonna be doin’ stuff for the cameras, we, we need to practice tonight, right? 'Cause, like, it’s been a few years! I gotta see if you’re...um, see if we’re, we’re still compatible!
URSULA: (looks aside at JOEY, and has a smile on her face) Uh-huh.
JOEY: (grinning like an idiot) Great! My place at eight o’clock, that okay with you?
URSULA: (nods once) Fine, yeah, uh, bye.
[URSULA gets up and heads out of Central Perk, towards the doorway. As she nears the exit, ROSS Geller enters Central Perk. He is dressed in a faded light blue sweater, white T-shirt and jeans]
ROSS: (notices URSULA, and thinks she’s PHOEBE) Hey, Phoebs.
[URSULA walks straight past, completely ignoring him]
ROSS: (to himself, in puzzlement) Huh. (stares after her for a moment)
[The camera then follows ROSS as he goes to the couch, and CHANDLER joins him and JOEY]
ROSS: (looks at CHANDLER and JOEY) What’s up with Phoebe?
CHANDLER: (ignores ROSS, and looks at JOEY) What did Ursula want?
ROSS: (gets it, looks around for a moment) That, that was Ursula?!
JOEY: (ignores ROSS as well, says excitedly to CHANDLER) Oh, man! I gotta tell ya, the little General is gonna be seein’ heavy combat duty tonight! (off CHANDLER’S look) Oh, yeah! Eight o’clock it’s gonna be, like, which way to the front?!
CHANDLER: (closes his eyes for a moment) No, please, tell me that you’re not gonna start seeing Ursula again! Tell me! Tell me! (speaks loudly) TELL ME!
JOEY: (looks scared) Okay, I’m not.
CHANDLER: (groans, looks away for a moment) God, you are. Joey! Could you possibly BE any dumber? Phoebe is so gonna kill you!
JOEY: (gets up, looks at CHANDLER) She’s not gonna know! (calms down, as CHANDLER recoils in fear) Besides, this is business, we’re gonna be doin’ like a movie together.
ROSS: (looks like he can’t believe it either) A move- a mo- um, Joey? Tell me that, uh, that you’re not gonna be doing a porn film with Ursula? (flops down on the couch)
JOEY: (straight-faced) Okay. (grins like a maniac) Hollywood, baby! (continues grinning) See you guys later!
[The camera follows JOEY, as he turns and exits Central Perk. Cut back to the couch as CHANDLER sits down, wincing]
ROSS: (shaking his head) Oh, man.
CHANDLER: (looks down for a moment) Tell me about it. He’s, like, never gonna learn with her or what?
ROSS: (shrugs) Oh, well. It’s his funeral. (leans forward) Listen, Chandler, we gotta talk.
CHANDLER: (looks at him, scared) Oh dear God, those three words again.
ROSS: (confused) Huh?
CHANDLER: No offense, Ross, but every time a Geller says those words to me these days, it’s time for something painful to happen!
ROSS: (concerned) You talkin’ about my sister?
CHANDLER: (hesitates a moment, then leans in) Look, pal, keep this under your hat for now, but Monica and me...well, with the wedding less than a month away, we’ve talked about having kids as soon as possible. And, basically...we’re not using protection anymore.
ROSS: (looks disgusted) Chandler? (briefly shakes his head) Too much detail.
CHANDLER: (urgently) No, no, you don’t get it. Mon got all these charts, and all this stuff to measure her fertility, and...well, let’s just say the burn marks on my butt are gonna take a LONG time to heal, 'cause of her eagerness. (slowly shakes his head) I-I can’t take much more!
ROSS: (visibly trying to control his nausea, reaches into his pocket and brings out a bright blue pill sealed in a white plastic wrapper) Here. Maybe this’ll help.
CHANDLER: (looks at it) What, what’s this?
ROSS: (looks around briefly, then lowers his voice) I got it from a friend, for uh, saving his butt at this NYU faculty thing a month ago? It’s uh, the new improved Viagra that’s, that’s gonna be on the market next year. Fully tested and safe, and, and this is the free sample that he gave me.
CHANDLER: (looks at it, tempted, then at ROSS) If I get truly desperate, we’ll talk again.
ROSS: (shrugs, puts away the pill) Okay.
CHANDLER: Anyway, you said you wanted to talk?
ROSS: (looks briefly confused, then recovers) Oh, right. (looks uncertain) Okay. Um, Chandler? How-how would you feel if I offered to pay, for, uh, part of the wedding?
CHANDLER: (amazed) Wha-wha-wha...
ROSS: (holds up both hands) If you want me to butt out, I...
CHANDLER: (grimaces, looks at his rear for a moment) No. (pauses) But, uh, why? (looks suspicious) Is this because of what happened that time with your cousin Frannie, that stupid competitive thing-?
ROSS: (looks uncomfortable) No! (calms down) Look, Chandler...this is my little sister that you’re gettin’ married to. And I just wanna make sure everything is perfect for her, unlike my wedding disasters! (pauses for a moment, looks uncertain again) You’re officially gonna be family, so, so, this sort of stuff is allowed in the guy code, right?
CHANDLER: (smiles briefly) Well, um, yeah. (looks contemplative) Alright look, I-I’ll tell Mon, and we’ll let her decide, okay?
ROSS: (smiles back, gets up) Okay, I’ll see you upstairs.
[The camera follows ROSS, as he goes out of Central Perk. Cut back to CHANDLER]
CHANDLER: (scratches his dark-haired head) Now what do I do? (a beautiful red-haired waitress walks by, CHANDLER notices her and uncomfortably shifts his ass) I had to ask.
[Fade OUT to COMMERCIAL]
[Fade IN to daytime exterior shot of the Geller/Bing and Green/Tribbianni apartment building. Cut to the interior of apartment number 19, belonging to JOEY and RACHEL Green. JOEY is sitting at the kitchen counter with a box of pizza, and a slice in his hands]
JOEY: (talking to himself in delight, and about to take a big bite) Man, this pizza is so good!
[Cut to the apartment front door, it opens as ROSS enters and shuts it behind him]
ROSS: (comes up to JOEY) Hey, Joey. What’s up?
JOEY: (looks at ROSS, trying to talk with his mouth full) Nmm-hmnm mmm.
ROSS: (stares at JOEY) What?
[JOEY shrugs. Cut to a shot of RACHEL’S bedroom door. The door opens, as RACHEL Green enters the room. She is wearing red and brown-colored designer clothes from Ralph Lauren, and her dark-blonde hair is in a short loose hairstyle. The camera tracks her, as she comes towards the two men. Cut to a shot of all of them together]
RACHEL: (in a good mood) Hey, guys! (smiles at ROSS and JOEY)
JOEY: (to ROSS, after he swallows) Nothin’ much. (to RACHEL) Hey! Uh, did ya hear what Ross is gonna do? Help pay for Chandler and Monica’s wedding!
ROSS: (sees RACHEL’S astonished expression, says sarcastically) Thanks, Joey, for letting me break the news.
JOEY: (shrugs in confusion) Chandler already told me, but you’re welcome, dude.
RACHEL: (staring at ROSS in disbelief) You’re doing WHAT?
ROSS: (uncomfortable) Well, I...
RACHEL: (incredulous) You wouldn’t even get me a ring with that entire stupid fiasco in Vegas, but now you go and pay for someone else’s wedding?
JOEY: (trying to help) Only part of it. I mean, he really cares about Chandler and Monica.
ROSS: (turns quickly to JOEY, after RACHEL starts looking angry) Joey, I-I’m begging you man, don’t help me. Hooking up with Ursula, you’re, you’re gonna have enough problems. (to RACHEL) Look, Rach...
RACHEL: (puzzled) Ursula? What-
[Cut to the back of the front door, as someone knocks. Cut back to the group, as everyone looks towards the door. The camera follows JOEY as he gets up, brushes himself off and goes to answer it]
[The door opens, and we see JILL Green, RACHEL’S younger sister there. Her long light-blonde hair is hanging loose down her back. She’s wearing a black top with a smart dark-grey business suit, and carrying a briefcase]
JOEY: Hey! (smiles widely) How YOU doin’?
JILL: (smiles) Hi, um, Joey, right? Can I come in? I’m, uh, looking for Rachel...
JOEY: (gestures) Yeah, yeah, come on in.
[The camera pulls back and tracks JILL, as she enters the apartment and JOEY closes the door. Cut to a shot of RACHEL, ROSS, JILL and JOEY all together. ROSS looks uncomfortable when he sees JILL]
RACHEL: (in shock) Jill? What are you doing here?
JILL: (looks at her, says sarcastically) No hello or hug, huh?
RACHEL: (looks guilty for a moment, then briefly hugs JILL as her sister puts the briefcase down) I’m sorry. But, but Jill, what ARE you doing here? (frowns) I wasn’t, like, expecting you or anything.
JILL: (looks around, sighs) I know. After last time...look, Rachel, I-I thought we should make peace or something, since I’m living in the city now and we might be seeing each other.
RACHEL: (looks at JILL in surprise) What happened to living off of our dad?
JILL: (shrugs, looks at RACHEL) Maybe you opened my eyes a little. (looks disgusted) Oh, plus I got sick and tired of hearing Daddy always saying...(imitates DR. GREEN’S voice) Why can’t you be more like Rachel? (resumes her own voice) So I decided to finally just do it! I mean like, get out on my own. Find an apartment. And, uh, a job.
RACHEL: (shocked) Wow. Uh, uh, okay, a job. Doing, doing what?
JILL: (shrugs) Real estate. (off RACHEL’S look) What? I know houses, we grew up in some of Long Island’s finest! (grimaces) All right, so I had to use some of Daddy’s connections, but I’m independent now and I’m pretty okay at what I do.
[Cut to a shot of ROSS, still standing there uncomfortably]
ROSS: Hello, Jill.
JILL: (turns to look at him) Oh, look, it’s the gay one!
JOEY: (confused, looks around) Chandler? Where?
RACHEL: (in a warning tone) Jill.
ROSS: Okay, uh, Jill, about, about what happened last year? I-I’m sorry. Okay? Um, fresh start, is-is that possible?
JILL: (thinks about it, then shrugs and smiles) Yeah, what the heck, Ross, I guess so. (grimaces) But just don’t ever mention your slides or projector to me again.
JOEY: So, Jill. (everyone turns to look at him) How you doin’? (grins)
[JILL giggles, while ROSS and RACHEL roll their eyes]
JILL: (shrugs, keeps smiling) Good, I guess, for a single girl in the city. (looks around at the others, then her watch, and picks up her briefcase) Look, I-I got an appointment, so I need to run. Umm...(looks uncomfortable) I, uh, I still don’t know that many people in town yet – you guys, you, uh, wanna do something tonight?
RACHEL: (frowns) Oh, Jill, I-I’d like to, but I gotta help Mrs. Braverman downstairs with something.
ROSS: (apologetic) Uh, yeah, me too, but tonight I’m like swamped with the ol’ paperwork.
JOEY: (turns to look at JILL, flirtatiously) So it’s just you and me?
RACHEL: (immediately wary) Oh, nooooo, I don’t think so Joseph Tribbianni!
JILL: (dismisses her concern) Rachel, please! Huh, like anything’s gonna happen that I don’t want to happen. (smiles, comes closer and looks flirtatiously at JOEY)
JOEY: (focuses on JILL) So, what time’s good for you tonight?
[ROSS appears to remember something and starts to make head-shaking gestures behind JILL’S back, but JOEY ignores him. RACHEL just stares in amazement]
JILL: Eight o’clock?
ROSS: (tries to interrupt) Joey?
JOEY: (continues to ignore ROSS) Yeah, fine!
JILL: (suddenly looks flustered, as she remembers something and glances at her watch) Oh, shoot! Can we make it a quarter to eight? I just remembered something on my schedule.
JOEY: (continues to ignore ROSS, who by now is hopping up and down trying to get his attention) No problem!
JILL: (to JOEY) Great! (turns and looks at ROSS, who abruptly stops his gestures) Y’know, Ross, you are a VERY strange guy. (comes forward, and smiles seductively) Call me. I’ll give Joey the number tonight.
ROSS: (smiles back) Okay, sure!
RACHEL: (observes them together, not liking it at all) Hey! (all look at her) Um, Jill, let me, uh, walk you out...(gives ROSS a hostile look, as she and JILL head to the door)
[Cut to the front door, as the two sisters exit. Cut back to ROSS and JOEY]
ROSS: (hits JOEY on the back of the head) Joey!!
JOEY: (recoils, looking hurt) Ow!! What?!
ROSS: Eight o’clock tonight? (sees that JOEY doesn’t get it) Ursula. (imitates JOEY’S voice) Hollywood, baby! (goes back to his own voice) Remember?!
JOEY: (doesn’t get it for a few more seconds. Then his eyes bulge out in horror, his jaw drops nearly to the floor and he points at ROSS, backing away) I’m double-booked!!!
ROSS: (nods, says vehemently) Add it all up, buddy, and it spells ‘yeah’!
JOEY: (calms down) Okay – okay – okay! (runs his fingers through his dark hair, then smiles, looking at ROSS) I got it! No problem. Joey’s Emergency Plan, Number 4!
ROSS: (confused) Number 4?
JOEY: (brushes it aside) Oh yeah, I got lots of 'em! But, you gotta help me on this one.
ROSS: (backs off slightly) No way! I told ya, I-I gotta work tonight.
JOEY: (comes forward, says urgently) Come on, Ross, it’s a five-minute job, TOPS! (ROSS looks unconvinced) Plus, I throw in free phone numbers for 20 women!
[ROSS comes forward. He and JOEY then shake hands, eager looks on both their faces]
ROSS: Deal!
[Cut to the interior of apartment number 20, belonging to CHANDLER and MONICA Geller. MONICA, sister of ROSS is wearing a light pink T-shirt, casual blue overalls, and has her dark hair in twin plaits. She and CHANDLER are sitting together on the couch, and RACHEL is sitting on the edge of the lounge chair across from them]
CHANDLER: (looking at some papers) I can’t believe we’re paying this much for the food.
RACHEL: (looking at him in resignation) Chandler!
MONICA: (also looks at him) Oh, come on honey, don’t start. I mean, you get what you pay for, and the reception has to be perfect! Plus the guests will love it.
CHANDLER: (shuffling papers, says very sarcastically) At these prices, they should stand up and deliver the Gettysburg address for it!
[Cut to the front door as ROSS opens it, and enters the apartment]
ROSS: Hello! (continues walking through the room)
[Cut back to MONICA, CHANDLER and RACHEL]
MONICA & CHANDLER: (turning around) Hey/Hi.
[RACHEL just looks at ROSS, as he joins the group]
MONICA: Ross...(he looks at her) look, Chandler told me. Y-you don’t have to do this...
ROSS: I want to. (takes out a cheque, gives it to her) Here.
MONICA: (looks at it, and her hands tremble as she looks again in open-mouthed shock, then stares at her brother) Wha- Ross, is this a joke? Twenty-five thousand dollars?!!
CHANDLER: (does a double take, looking just as shocked, then quickly reaches to his right and grabs the piece of paper) How much!?
RACHEL: (gets up, looks horrified at ROSS) Are-are you nuts? You can’t afford that much money!
ROSS: (shrugs) Well, I-I took out a loan. Figure with my salary, I can, uh, pay it off within a few years.
MONICA: (shakes her head) Ross! No! Like, we can’t accept this!
ROSS: (stubbornly) Mon, look. I-I wanna do this. I mean, you’re my sister, and you don’t have the wedding fund, and besides (shrugs) it’s really not that much.
MONICA: (looks unconvinced) But what if you...
ROSS: (interrupts) Oh, c’mon, please, it’s not like I’m ever gonna get married again, so, I-I don’t need to save up for anything! (Quick shot of RACHEL looking away, with a strange expression on her face) You guys, think of it as my early wedding present.
[Shot of MONICA getting up and hugging him, as ROSS briefly kisses her on the forehead]
MONICA: (almost in tears) Oh, God, thank you.
CHANDLER: (smiling) NOW we can afford the food!
ROSS: (breaking away) I, uh, I got some things to do, so I gotta go now, okay? I’ll, I’ll see you guys later. (turns around)
[The camera follows ROSS, as he goes to the door. Cut back to the group at the couch]
CHANDLER: Ross, wait up! (grimaces, gets up and joins ROSS at the door) Have ya got a minute?
[Cut to the exterior corridor, as CHANDLER and ROSS exit the apartment and the front door is shut behind them]
CHANDLER: (looking desperate) Okay, gimme that super-Viagra or whatever!
ROSS: (surprised) You sure?
CHANDLER: Ross, I’ve been sitting on that couch for an hour. I-I almost feel like I have a third buttock growing in my pants! (pauses) Monica wants me to perform tonight, I’m gonna need a little help.
[Shot of ROSS shrugging, and reaching into his pocket. Cut to the interior of the apartment, as the front door opens. CHANDLER enters, and makes his way back to the couch]
MONICA: (curious) What was all that about?
CHANDLER: (thinking fast) Um, guy stuff. Ross, uh, he wanted my opinion on how hot this girl was that he, um, saw at Central Perk today.
RACHEL: (looking down for a moment, says in annoyance) That jerk.
[Cut to a shot of CHANDLER and MONICA looking at her in astonishment]
CHANDLER: Excuse me? Ross just gave us twenty-five thousand dollars! (comes closer) Rach, if that’s your definition of a jerk, please, please introduce me to someone you consider, like, an asshole! (does his little dance)
MONICA: (comes closer too, staring at RACHEL) Sweetie, what is it? (RACHEL doesn’t look at her) Oh, honey, are you upset about...(suddenly stops, looks shocked) oh...my...God.
CHANDLER: (looks up in fear) Please, Lord, do NOT let that be another sign of the coming of Janice!
MONICA: (grabs RACHEL’S wrists, forces her to look back) Rachel? Rach...please, please tell me that you’re not starting on that whole Ross thing again!
RACHEL: (scoffs) Yeah, right, like I’d-
MONICA: (interrupts) No! NO! Don’t use that tone of voice! I KNOW that tone of voice! (starts shaking RACHEL) If you two go there, all we’re gonna hear for the next few weeks until the wedding is (imitates ROSS’S voice) WE WERE ON A BREAK!
RACHEL: (looks at her weird) Monica, if you need me to get you some Prozac, just ask!
[Cut to the back of the front door, as PHOEBE Buffay walks in. She is wearing a pastel dress that looks like it’s been bought at a flea market, and her blonde hair is in a ponytail]
PHOEBE: Hey! (continues to walk through the room)
MONICA: (letting go of RACHEL) Hi, Phoebs.
CHANDLER & RACHEL: (simultaneous) Hey/Hi.
PHOEBE: (joins the others) So, uh, what’s up?
RACHEL: (looks at her) Ross is a jerk.
PHOEBE: (casually) Uh-huh. (then looks confused)
MONICA: (sees PHOEBE’S expression) Don’t mind her. It’s probably just a-a-a thing.
PHOEBE: (still confused) A thing?
MONICA: Yeah. About Ross. (looks at RACHEL) Maybe it’s on account of...hmm, yeah, it’s been a while since Tag...
RACHEL: (gives MONICA an annoyed look) Well, hey, unlike some crazy dinosaur guy at least I don’t go around doing...stuff. Like, like giving my sister and her fiancé insane amounts of money!
PHOEBE: (looking like she understands) Oh, right, so in his next life Ross is coming back as horse manure, 'cause he did that?
RACHEL: (looks exasperated) Exactly! (paces a little) I mean, urgggggh! Men! Sometimes I wonder if Carol and Susan have the right idea, y’know? Because even the best ones do things like, I dunno, get together with Jill or Ursula or something!
PHOEBE: (shocked) Ursula? Ross and – oh no. (turns around, and rushes out of the apartment. The camera is focused on the door, until it shuts with a bang. Cut back to CHANDLER, MONICA and RACHEL)
MONICA: (gasps) Like, wow.
CHANDLER: (bewildered) I-I can’t believe it, Ross? Dating Ursula?!
RACHEL: (looks confused) What? No, uh, Joey’s the one doing that.
CHANDLER: (remembering) Oh, right, well thank God.
MONICA: (looking around at both of them) Okay, for the members of our studio audience who happen to be me? (shouts) WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?
[Shot of CHANDLER and RACHEL flinching at the volume of her voice]
CHANDLER: (recovers) Sweetheart, I promise I’ll explain everything. As soon as I get six million dollars, for my new bionic ear. (hits the left side of his head with the heel of his palm, twice)
[Fade OUT to COMMERCIAL]
[Fade IN to daytime exterior shot of the apartment building in New York, where URSULA lives. Cut to the corridor outside URSULA’S apartment. PHOEBE appears, walking along, then stopping at a door. Cut to PHOEBE lifting up her hand, and knocking hard at the door]
URSULA: (opens the door, sees PHOEBE) Oh, oh hey, it’s you.
PHOEBE: (nervous) Hi. (looks at URSULA, who is dressed in the same clothes as before in Central Perk)
[Cut to a shot showing URSULA and PHOEBE together in the corridor, as URSULA takes a step forward]
URSULA: (bored) Yeah, uh-huh, can I help you with something?
PHOEBE: Oh. Um, yeah. You’re, you’re going out with my friend Ross? (off URSULA’S look of confusion) Um, tall, dark-haired, talks about boring science stuff like nonstop?
URSULA: (gets a look of recognition on her face) Oh, oh the nerdy geek who loves hair gel! (pauses) Um, no, no I’m not. I mean, I’m not gonna be sleeping with him tonight or anything.
PHOEBE: (relieved) Oh, good.
URSULA: Yeah, 'cause I’m sleeping with Joey tonight.
[Cut to a shot of PHOEBE being totally shocked, mouth hanging open]
PHOEBE: Heh?
[Cut to URSULA looking unconcerned]
URSULA: Yeah, uh-huh. We were supposed to be doing a movie together, but that fell through like a few minutes ago, so, um, you can tell him for me. That, and we’re still on for eight o’clock.
[Cut to a shot showing URSULA and PHOEBE together again]
PHOEBE: (suddenly mad) No. NO! You are NOT having sex with Joey again! You’re, you’re just gonna hurt him real bad, when you dump him!
URSULA: (cocks her head slightly) Oh, uh-huh, right, now I get what this is. You’ve developed, like, feelings for him.
PHOEBE: (shocked) Nuh-uh!
URSULA: (shrugs) Yuh-huh! It’s like, twin thing. (pauses) Well, um, okay, you can have him. 'Cause he’s like, one of those guys who’s decent. Oh, and beyond size three. (off PHOEBE’S look of confusion) Um, hey you remember when we were eleven years old, we always used to tell that joke about...
PHOEBE: (interrupts, abruptly remembering) Oh, oh! Yeah, right. Guys, guys and their equipment downstairs come in three sizes, small, medium and OH MY GOD! (pauses, with a look of shock on her face) Oh! Oh! Eww! Ewww! Shame on you for making me think that! (turns around and runs off)
[Cut to nighttime exterior shot of the Geller/Bing and Green/Tribbianni apartment building. Cut to interior shot of JOEY and RACHEL’S apartment. JOEY, who is wearing a dark plaid shirt and black trousers, is pacing restlessly near the kitchen counter]
JOEY: (to himself) Where is he?!
[Cut to the apartment front door. It opens, and as JOEY turns around ROSS enters. He is now wearing a white cotton shirt, loose brown tie, navy-blue jacket and matching pants. The camera pulls back and the shot widens, to include both ROSS and JOEY]
ROSS: (apologetic) Sorry I’m late, man. (hangs the jacket up on a clothes hook)
JOEY: (upset) Where ya been, Ross?! It’s almost 7:45, Jill’s gonna be here like any second!
ROSS: (shrugs) I told ya, I-I had to work tonight.
JOEY: (brushes that aside) Whatever. Okay, like, so ya remember what to do?
ROSS: (sighs) Yeah, I tell Jill that you’re sick or something, then I get rid of her and take off before Ursula gets here.
JOEY: (grins, gives him two thumbs-ups) Right! (calms down) Okay, look, I-I’ll be in my room. So good luck! (heads towards the door to his room, the camera follows JOEY as he exits and closes it behind him)
[Cut to a shot of the back of the front door, as someone knocks. ROSS goes to answer it, and opens the door. JILL is there in a black evening dress, and her hair is in a French braid]
JILL: (surprised) Ross?
ROSS: (nervous) Uh, hi...(closes the door then turns around to face JILL, after she passes him and enters the apartment) Yeah, hi Jill.
JILL: (looking at him) Where’s Joey? I thought you were busy tonight.
ROSS: (more nervous) He, uh, he-he had this thing. This emergency? He said to say sorry. And, um, I’m here instead, i-if that’s okay.
JILL: (smiles) Yeah, sure. So, where are we going tonight?
ROSS: (taken aback) Uh, where. Where, where are we goin’? (considers it for a moment, and looks towards JOEY’S room as he has no idea) Yeah, where are we going.
JILL: (not noticing) Could you get me some juice? (exhales softly) It’s been a long day.
[The camera follows ROSS as he quickly goes to the fridge, gets out some orange juice, grabs a glass and heads for the counter]
ROSS: (as he’s nervously pouring the juice into the glass) Oh, uh, Jill, maybe we can try Sorrentino’s? (brings the drink over to her) Or, or, if that doesn’t pan out, we, uh, we could go back to my apartment or something.
JILL: (smiles at that) Hmm. (accepts the drink, drains it in one gulp, puts down the glass and then grins at ROSS) Okay. Lemme just fix my makeup, and then we’re outta here. (goes to the bathroom, and enters it)
[Cut to the front door, as it opens and RACHEL enters the apartment. She is now wearing a black mini-skirt and stockings, and an aquamarine-blue top]
RACHEL: (surprised) Ross?
ROSS: (whirls around, startled to see her) Ahhh! Rachel. Wha, what are you doing here?
RACHEL: (sarcastically, as she comes closer) Well, I kinda LIVE here.
ROSS: (nervous) You, you, you weren’t supposed to be here tonight! You, uh, you gotta go.
RACHEL: (suspicious) Why?
ROSS: (looks unsure what to say) Uh...
RACHEL: (annoyed) Look, Ross, I’m not in the mood for games. So what’s going on? Why are you trying to get rid of me?
[Cut to a shot of the bathroom door, it opens and JILL comes out]
JILL: Ross, maybe we should just skip Sorrentino’s, go straight to your apartment...(notices RACHEL is there) oh, hi Rachel. (continues walking)
[RACHEL appears shocked as she looks at JILL, then gets mad as she stares at ROSS]
ROSS: (turns towards to RACHEL) Uh, Rach...
[RACHEL draws back a fist, and punches him so hard in the face that ROSS stumbles backwards from the impact, and ends up on the floor]
JILL: Ross!! (starts to move forward)
RACHEL: (glares at her) Missy, one more word and you’re next!
JILL: (backs away) Okay, Rachel, you, you seriously need a shrink! I-I’m gonna check Daddy’s rolodex, for the one that only charges like ninety dollars an hour. (heads for the front door, glances at ROSS) Bye Ross, hope I see you tomorrow! (runs out, and shuts the door behind her)
[Cut to ROSS and RACHEL, as ROSS gets up off the floor. He shakes his head for a moment, feels his mouth and jaw then lets go]
ROSS: (shocked) My God, I-I think you might have knocked a couple of teeth loose!
RACHEL: (angry) You knew how I felt about this, Professor ‘I-have-to-work-tonight’ Geller! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!
ROSS: (not really paying attention to her yet, flexing his jaw) First off? Calling a dentist.
RACHEL: (impatient) With my sister!!!
ROSS: (looks at her, starting to get pissed) Rachel, you know what? You really are crazy, you thought...(stops and realizes something, says quietly) oh my God. (pauses, speaks normally) This isn’t just about me going out with your sister...you, you have feelings for me again.
RACHEL: (takes a step back, looks caught) I do not!
ROSS: (astonished) Rach, you, you, you just slugged me right now, like I’d cheated on you with Chloe or something! (pauses) 'Cause you thought, you thought I was planning to score with Jill tonight. (looks at her in amazement)
RACHEL: (realizes the situation, tries to fend him off) Oh come on, that is SO ridiculous!
ROSS: (comes forward) Then why did you hit me?
RACHEL: (nervous) Because, uh, you’re a jerk! An idiot. A moron...
ROSS: (looks confused) Oh, oh boy, this, this is serious, this is...
RACHEL: (suddenly belligerent) Will you get over yourself?! I don’t love you anymore!
ROSS: (looks into her eyes) Yes you do! (pauses) Look, I-I know you feel. I mean you can lie to yourself if you want, Rach, but you can’t lie to me!
RACHEL: (looks away, moves back slightly) Well, well, so what if I do still love you, mister ‘it’s not like I’m ever gonna get married again’?
ROSS: (annoyed) Hey, y’know just because I mighta said that, that doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving you either or anything! (looks shocked at what he’s just said, and so does RACHEL) And, and right now? I-I’m just totally confused on what to do next. You?
RACHEL: (stunned) Oh yeah, like 100 percent!
[ROSS and RACHEL lock stares for a few seconds. Then they rush forward, embrace each other and kiss fiercely, which continues for a short time. Then ROSS breaks away]
ROSS: (shocked) What, what, what was that?
RACHEL: (more shocked) You, you haven’t kissed me like that in months! (looks confused) Make that years!
ROSS: (moving back) This, this is probably not a good idea. I mean, with the HUGE history that we have...
RACHEL: (agreeing) Tell me about it!
ROSS: (almost stuttering) So, so...what, uh, what do we do now?
[They stare at each other again for a few seconds, then they embrace and kiss again, more passionately this time, with RACHEL holding ROSS’S face in her hands]
[Fade OUT to COMMERCIAL]
[Fade IN to later, the same shot of the apartment, but RACHEL and ROSS are no longer there. Cut to JOEY, who is now wearing only a sea-green bathrobe. He is waiting near the kitchen counter, looking at nothing in particular]
JOEY VOICE-OVER: Okay. Okay. She’s late, but she’s gonna be here soon. No problem. No pressure, she’s just another girl. (he makes a face) Oh, who am I kidding...this is Ursula! She’s hot! And I’m totally wingin’ it here!
[There is a knock at the door off-screen. Cut to the front door, as it opens and PHOEBE comes in. She’s wearing a white-and-red sweater and jeans, with her hair now loose. She puts down her bag on a chair and looks at JOEY, as he turns around]
PHOEBE: (nervous) Joey, hi. (pauses) Um, I gotta tell you...
JOEY: (grins, thinking it’s URSULA, and moves close to her) Hey, I already know what you’re gonna say! And y’know? I think this is the best thing that could’ve happened, too. (looks into her eyes) Oh yeah, fee, fi, fo, fum – look out baby, 'cause here I come!
[JOEY grabs PHOEBE in a tight embrace, and kisses her. At first she’s shocked but as he continues to kiss her, she responds enthusiastically, holding him tight. Finally, PHOEBE moves away, panting when JOEY lets go]
JOEY: (looks confused) That was different. (suddenly grins at PHOEBE) Hey, but, still? It-it was the best I’ve ever kissed you.
PHOEBE: (still panting, and very confused by what JOEY has done) Joey, I...oh, oh God, I...(hesitates, then suddenly grabs JOEY’S head and kisses him, bringing him close)
[JOEY kisses her back, as PHOEBE jumps up and wraps her legs around his waist, with her arms around his neck. JOEY puts his arms around her, holding her close as they kiss]
[Fade to a scene of the sunrise, over New York City. Cut to interior shot of RACHEL and JOEY’S apartment. It’s quiet and empty in the main living area. Cut to the door to JOEY’S room. Suddenly, we hear the sound of a woman screaming]
PHOEBE: (off-screen) Ahhhhhhh!!
[PHOEBE comes running out, her hair wild and tangled, and dressed only in JOEY’S plaid shirt from the previous night]
PHOEBE: (horrified) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! (stops and turns around, facing JOEY as he exits the bedroom too dressed only in his robe) You...you thought...you thought-!
JOEY: (comes closer, in shock) Phoebe?!
[Cut to the door of RACHEL’S room. RACHEL opens it, and quickly comes out with nothing but a bedsheet wrapped around her body. ROSS, who only has a set of white boxers on, follows her out]
RACHEL: What the...(sees JOEY and PHOEBE, and screams)
[ROSS then sees them as well. His eyes go wide, his jaw drops, and he points at the other couple]
ROSS: (babbling incoherently) Uh...guh...buh...ho...ha...
[Cut to JOEY and PHOEBE, who are standing close together now]
PHOEBE: (sees ROSS and RACHEL, almost starts to hyperventilate from the shock) OH MY GOD!
JOEY: (sees the other couple as well, gets a big grin on his face) Niiiiiice!
[Cut to a shot of the back of the apartment front door. It bursts open as CHANDLER and MONICA come rushing in, dressed in their robes like JOEY. They stop near the kitchen, leaving the front door wide open]
MONICA: What the hell is going...(sees the four semi-naked people, and screams)
CHANDLER: (stunned) Uh, yeah! What she said!
JOEY: (still has the sleazy grin, moving his head back and forth looking at the women) Real niiiiiice!
[MONICA and CHANDLER move further into the apartment, in shock. Cut to a brief shot of all six of them together, the three couples staring at each other in disbelief]
[Cut to a shot of the open front doorway. JILL is standing there, mouth wide open, as she takes in the sight in front of her. She is dressed casually, in jeans and a purple T-shirt that is about two sizes too small for her]
JILL: (stunned) Holy...cow. (steps inside, as everyone looks at her) When...when did you guys start up with having group sex? (pauses) And, and was there a reason why I wasn’t invited to the big party last night? (continues to look amazed)
[Fade to BLACK. Begin CLOSING CREDITS sequence]
[Fade IN to MONICA and CHANDLER’S bedroom, the couple is in bed together. MONICA is sitting up on the left, wearing only a red negligee. CHANDLER is close beside her, bare-chested with his third nipple visible. They are both covered below the waist, by the blankets of the bed. The lighting is subdued and comfortable]
MONICA: (staring out at nothing) Chandler, I-I think I’m still in shock. My brain, it, it simply can’t process everything what just happened! (pauses for a moment) I may be scarred for life.
CHANDLER: (looking at her, says soothingly) Mon, sweetheart? You’ll be fine. And hey, one day? We’ll probably even look back on this, and laugh.
MONICA: (looks back at him) Group sex, Chandler! That’s what Jill thinks we get up to! (pauses, then continues neurotically) Y’know? Somehow, I don’t see people ever laughing about that!
CHANDLER: (encouragingly) Honey, come on! It’s not that bad. I-I mean, let’s look at the situation. Now, Jill? (gestures) She promised to keep this quiet. Phoebe and Joey? (brushes it aside) It was a one-time thing, they’ll get over it. Ross and Rachel? (shrugs) Well, uh, they’ll probably get married again, and move to Scarsdale with two kids or something. (smiles at her) Now, I believe we have some baby-making business of our own to attend to? (leans closer to her)
MONICA: (staring at him astonished) We already did it six times last night!
CHANDLER: (grins) Wanna go for the London record? (comes even closer, to nibble on her ear)
MONICA: (pushes him away) Chandler! Not now. (pauses, looks at him) I have a headache. (turns her back on him and snuggles down, pulling some of the covers with her)
[Cut to CHANDLER looking down at her for a moment, then he moves the blankets forward and stares downward to examine himself. Then he shakes his head, looks up, towards the ceiling]
CHANDLER: (talking to God) Either you’re totally out to get me, or you really are a woman, aren’t you?
[Fade OUT]
[THE END]
***** Hope you liked it! All writers love feedback, please e-mail me at: theop@kew.starway.net.au