Written By Tina Nellis
Introduction: This is how I think the 5th season premiere should go, based on the real 4th season finale and not the one I wrote. :) Oh well, you know the deal - e-mail me with your comments, I'll do by best to get back to you, blah blah blah... :)
Special thanks to Sam Smith, who inadvertantly helped me out with this by giving me an idea. :)
[Scene: The wedding scene, continued from TOW Ross's Wedding, just before Ross's slip up. Ross is taking his vows.]
Priest Dude: I, Ross...
Ross: I, Ross...
Priest Dude: Take thee, Emily...
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...
[Everyone looks on in shock... you know the deal.]
Ross: Emily... ha... Emily!
Priest Dude: Shall I continue?
Emily: Yes, do.
Priest Dude: Very well. Ross, repeat after me, and get it right this time.
[Ross isn't paying attention.]
Priest Dude: I, Ross...
Ross: I, Ross...
Priest Dude: Take thee, Rachel...
[Ross seemingly snaps to attention and sees that Rachel is standing there, in the same clothes that she arrived in, instead of Emily in her wedding dress.]
Ross: [with a smile on his face] Take thee, Rachel...
Priest Dude: [trying to get Ross's attention] Ross?
[Ross really does snap to attention this time and sees everyone in the church staring at him. It's pretty obvious he's just gone and messed up again.]
Emily: That's it! I've had it with you! [to the vicar] And you've got your money, so now you can bugger off!
Priest Dude: This is a church!
[She starts heading out of the church, but then she turns back and faces Ross. By this point, everyone is leaving the church.]
Emily: Oh, and by the way, get your women right *before* proposing to them!
[Cut to Jack Geller and Mr. Waltham at the door.]
Jack/Mr. Waltham: [all perky] Thank you for coming, we hope you had a good time!
[Rachel walks past]
Jack: Rachel honey, where are you going?
Rachel: [crying] I can't watch this.
[Cut back to Ross and Emily.]
Ross: Alright, I think I just realised something.
Emily: Oh, what, that you're still in love with your ex?
Ross: [hesitating] Well... no!
Emily: You so are! Let me ask you something. Has your love life always been so soap opera-like?
Ross: [sighs, then in resignation] Alright. maybe I'm... not quite over her.
Emily: Ross, I know you're bending the truth to try and make me feel better. You're more in love with her right this second than you ever were with me. I can see it in your eyes. The way you looked at her just now - you never looked at me like that, with that kind of feeling. And even if you did, I don't think that I could even date you anymore. We both have too much... excess baggage.
Ross: [deadpan] Well, at least we know that none of that baggage will get blown up.
[They both laugh, then stop and look at each other for a moment. They kiss.]
Emily: [smiling] This is for the best. [beat] I'll never forget you.
Ross: I'll never forget you either. [beat] Although, with parents that hate each other's guts, that won't be too hard!
[They laugh, and then hug.]
Emily: [breaking the hug] Goodbye, Ross.
[Emily leaves the church.]
Ross: [after she has gone] Goodbye, Emily.
[He sits down at a pew and leans on the pew in front of him. He sits there thinking for a moment or two.]
Woman's Voice From Behind (guess who?): hey.
Ross: [looking up] Hey.
Rachel (yes, it's her): I realise I'm probably the last person you want to see right now, but can I sit here?
Ross: You know you can.
[Rachel sits next to Ross, and leans over the pew much like he is doing. She reaches out to take his hand, but hesitates and pulls away. But then he takes her hand, and they smile at each other for a moment.]
Rachel: Emily filled me in. [beat] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you mess up your vows.
Ross: [sighing] I know you didn't.
Rachel: [taking a deep breath] So... what now?
Ross: I guess... back to good old New York.
[They smile at each other again.]
[scene: An outside shot of a plane, then cut to the inside. Monica and Chandler are sitting on either side of Joey, who is leaning over Chandler to look out of the window.]
Chandler: Joey, I'd like to be able to move, instead of being trapped inside the Joey-looking-out-the-window bubble!
Joey: I can't help it, it just looks so cool! [Sees something out the window] Hey, look! A bird!
Chandler: [deadpan] Oh, great. A bird. Like we haven't already seen one of those.
Monica: [to Chandler] I'm going to the bathroom now.
[She gets up and walks to the bathroom, giving Chandler a look while she's doing it.]
Chandler: [to Joey] Uh... yeah, suddenly I feel a need to um...
[He gets up and walks casually past Joey, but as soon as Joey starts looking out the
window again he legs it to the bathroom.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. The gang enters to find Phoebe lying on the couch, not looking at all comfortable.]
Phoebe: Hey! you're back! Um... I think we have to leave now.
Phoebe: I think the log flume ride is about to begin.
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you like that.
Phoebe: That's okay, you had to go... [notices Ross] do stuff. [whispering to Rachel] Well?
Rachel: [whispering back] No go, and I'm not even gonna try. So, are you sure this is it?
Phoebe: Um, well, put it like this. I've had 4 experiences of hell in the past hour.
Ross: Alright. We're gonna get a cab.
[Ross helps Rachel to help Phoebe up and out of the door, and Joey follows them.]
Chandler: Right behind you! [after they've left] So, we've got the place to ourselves... are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Monica: Our friend's giving birth, and you're more interested in making out?
Chandler: Um... yeah?
Monica: Come on. I'm sure you can hold your horniness for just a few hours!
Chandler: Well, I've had to hold it on and off for 30 years... what's a few hours?
[Scene: The ER (not that ER :)) waiting room. The gang are sitting around Phoebe, trying to calm her.]
Phoebe: Where are they? Where are they? [annoyed] Where they hell are they?!
Joey: Relax, Pheebs, they'll be here!
Ross: Yeah, he's right. They wouldn't miss the birth of their own kids!
Chandler: Yeah, and if "All My Children" ever needs a new storyline, they can come to you!
Phoebe: [pretending to be amused] Ha, ha, ha! Let me tell you something, Mr. I'm Just An Accountant Who Makes Smart Ass Comments All The Time, unless you intend on making a major lifestyle change any time soon, you will never experience pain like this! Ow!
[The others all get up to help her.]
Joey: Alright, that's it. I'm going to find a doctor. [runs off to find a doctor]
Rachel: It'll be alright, Pheebs. Just think, when all of this is over, you'll have Leslie, Frank the III and... [losing enthusiasm] Chandler.
Phoebe: Yeah, and they're not mine! It's like sufferage for my brother's kids!
Chandler: Yeah, like...
Phoebe: [interrupting him] Say it and die!
[Chandler shuts up, defeated.]
Ross: Um, I'm going to get some coffee, and I'll bring you back some iced chips, Pheebs. Rach, will you come with me?
Rachel: Uh... yeah, okay. [getting up] We'll be back in a minute.
[Ross and Rachel walk off.]
Phoebe: Everybody's leaving me!
[Joey returns with a doctor.]
Phoebe: [happy] Except for you, because you're coming back!
Joey: Alright, Pheebs, this is Dr. Martin.
Dr. Martin: Alright, Phoebe, I understand you're thinking of having your brother's babies.
Phoebe: Not thinking, actually having!
Dr. Martin: [helping her up] Alright, let's get you into a room.
Chandler: [deadpan] Well, we've only been waiting 3 hours!
[Cut to Ross and Rachel, who are getting coffee.]
Ross: So... how you been?
Rachel: Ross, you know perfectly well how I've been, because you just spent 10 hours on a plane with me, and then 3 hours sitting in a waiting room with me.
Ross: You were pretty quiet on the plane, and I... [takes her to one side] I just wanted to know if it was because of... y'know... what I said.
Rachel: Oh... well... it definitely took me by surprise, but um... I'm okay, y'know?
Ross: You're okay?
Ross: With this.
Ross: You didn't seem okay at the church.
Rachel: Well, I was.
Ross: You were crying.
Rachel: Well, what else do you do at weddings?
Ross: Be happy?
Rachel: I was.
Ross: You didn't look it.
Rachel: [sarcastically] Well, forgive me for not jumping for joy!
Ross: Well, forgive me for caring!
[The two start arguing, and head towards the elevator.]
[Cut to the inside of the elevator. Ross and Rachel enter, arguing.]
Ross: I don't get this! I ask you if you're okay and you take that to be some sort of an insult!
Rachel: Well, if you hadn't been so condescending when you said it, I wouldn't have taken it to be an insult!
Ross: I wasn't being condescending!
[The elevator jolts and comes to a stop. (Sorry for being predictable. It had to be. :))]
Ross: Um... Rach?
Rachel: You dare say what I think you're going to say, and I will kill you!
[Scene: A delivery room. Everyone except Ross and Rachel (duh), including Frank and Alice, are crowded around Phoebe, who is in the bed (again, duh :)).]
Phoebe: [in pain] Where are they? They said they'd be back in a minute, and that was an hour ago!
Chandler: Well, maybe they decided to play doctors and nurses!
Everyone: [annoyed] Chandler!
Monica: Alright, I'm gonna go find them. Chandler, are you coming with me?
Chandler: Why should...
Moncia: Chandler, just come on!
Phoebe: Oh, this is just great, everyone's leaving me again! What's so bad about a woman giving birth?
Frank: Well, for starters, you're pushing what must feel like 3 basketballs out!
Alice: Um, honey, you're not really helping!
Phoebe: Damn right he's not helping!
[Scene: The elevator. Ross is sitting on the floor, while Rachel is nervously pushing buttons.]
Ross: Rach, it'll be okay. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
Rachel: Oh, nothing, except the cable snaps and we go falling 40 feet to our doom!
Ross: That was rhetorical. Besides...
Rachel: [who is now banging on the elevator door] HELP!!!
Ross: Rach, calm down! I'm here, you're not on your own!
[Rachel looks at Ross for a second, seeming to have calmed down, then...]
Rachel: [almost hysterical this time] HELP!!!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica in a corridor.]
Chandler: So, why'd you really drag me out?
Monica: To find my brother and roommate before they kill each other!
Chandler: [disappointed] Oh.
Chandler: Nothing, except you've been... I don't know, kinda stand-offish since we got back here.
Moncia: [stopping by the elevator shaft] Look, Chandler, what we did shouldn't have happened.
Chandler: But it *did* happen.
Monica: I've been thinking. I, um...
Monica: I think it would be best if we just went back to being friends. For now.
Chandler: Well, if that's what you really want, then I can't argue with you.
Rachel: [from the elevator] HELP!!!
Monica: [calling out] Rachel? Is that you?
Chandler: Alright, I'm gonna go try and find help. [runs off]
Monica: Yeah, me too. [runs off in the opposite direction]
[Cut to the elevator]
Rachel: Well, this really sucks.
Ross: Hey, y'know, it's not like I planned any of this. Alright, I mean, I didn't ask them to stop the elevator when we were in here, y'know? I didn't plan that argument. And I certainly didn't plan to completely mispronounce the name of my bride to the point where it's ridiculous!
Rachel: Yeah, well, I didn't plan to have a boyfriend who slept with someone else, but then again no one does, it just seems to be a curse in my case!
Ross: Well, I didn't plan to have the woman I love throw a letter asking me to take all the blame for our relationship problems back in my face!
Rachel: Well, I wish I'd never done that now anyway! It was stupid, and-and immature, and I only realised it when it was too late!
Ross: [stunned] Really?
Rachel: Yes. And [she's developing tears in her eyes at this point] if I could take it back, I would, believe me I would. I'm just a dumbass who didn't realise what she had until it was too late.
[Rachel starts crying, and puts her head down to try and hide it from Ross.]
Ross: Well, I've made women cry before, but this is ridiculous.
[Rachel laughs, but doesn't stop crying.]
Ross: [trying to comfort her] Come on, Rach, don't cry.
Rachel: [through tears] I'm sorry, I can't help it.
Ross: [wipes a tear away from her face] C'mon, it's not as if there's absolutely no chance for us, we can still work things out.
[Scene: The delivery room.]
Phoebe: Where the hell are they?!
Joey: Look, they wouldn't miss this! You know they wouldn't!
[Chandler and Monica enter]
Monica: We found them, they're stuck in an elevator shaft.
Chandler: Yeah, and they're probably living out the whole "couple trapped in an elevator, let's make out" fantasy.
Monica: Doctor, we can't find anyone to help them out of there.
Doctor: Well, you'll just have to wait until the elevator unjams. It does it all the time, your friends don't have anything to worry about.
Chandler: No, but we'll have something to worry about if I know those two!
Doctor: Alright, 10 centimetres, start pushing.
Phoebe: Start pushing. I'll give you start pushing! [starts
pushing] Alright, I have a sudden need to get these massive baby-type things out of
[Scene: The elevator.]
Rachel: [who has stopped crying] What about Emily? I mean, you can't tell me you never felt anything for her. You were gonna marry her! Well, before you, um...
Ross: Rach, there's something I never told you. Remember when Joshua first asked you out?
Ross: And remember how you asked me to take Emily to the opera so as you could go out with him?
Rachel: [unsure where this is going] Yeah?
Ross: Well, I think I only fell for her in the first place because I wanted to get over you.
Rachel: [taken aback] Oh?
Ross: Yeah. And I think that, maybe, when I proposed to her, in my mind I might have...
[Rachel is looking at him with interest]
Ross: ...I might have been proposing to you.
Rachel: [seriously taken aback by this] Oh. [beat] So, is that why you, um...
Ross: Maybe. All I know is, I didn't do it deliberately, and that I've never been able to get you out of my head, no matter how hard I tried to.
Rachel: [with a smile on her face] Really?
[They look at each other, as the elevator starts up.]
[Scene: The delivery room. Ross and Rachel enter.]
Ross/Rachel: Hi, Pheebs!
Phoebe: [happily] Hey, guys... [turns on them] Where have you been?!
Ross: The elevator got jammed, and then there was this big... thing we had to deal with.
Rachel: We're here now. How you doin'?
Doctor: She's almost there. Just a few more pushes, Phoebe!
Midwife: [who has remained mysteriously silent until now :)] Alright, this is a little too crowded, so anyone who's not a friend, out you go!
[Everyone stays put.]
Midwife: Alright, anyone who isn't related to the birth mother or the... embryo mother, out you go!
All except Phoebe, Frank and Alice: Oh!
Doctor: The first one's crowning.
Phoebe: Really? Is it a boy or a girl?
Frank: Yeah, am I a mother or a father?
Alice: Um, honey, I think you're going to be a father no matter what!
Frank: Alright, I gotta see!
Phoebe: Alright, you're my brother! You have no right to see anything!
[Cut to outside the delivery room, a bit later. The doctor comes out of the room, and Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica and Joey look at him in anticipation.]
Doctor: 1 girl, 6 pounds 7 ounces, and 2 boys, 6 pounds each.
[Ross hugs Monica, Chandler hugs Joey, Joey hugs Monica, Chandler hugs Rachel, Monica then hugs Rachel, Chandler hugs Ross and (finally) Ross gets Rachel in a big bear hug. However, they don't let go of each other.]
Monica: [not paying attention to Ross and Rachel] Can we go in now?
Doctor: Yes. Just be gentle with her. She's probably feeling like she's pushed the Titanic out, she needs her rest.
[Monica, Joey and Chandler go in the waiting room. The doctor walks off. Ross and Rachel are still hugging. Eventually, Rachel breaks it off.]
Rachel: Wow, that was some hug.
Ross: Yeah, some hug.
[They look at each other for a loooooooong moment, then Ross lifts Rachel's face to his and kisses her.]
Rachel: Wow, that was some kiss.
Ross: Yeah, some kiss.
Rachel: Um, I'm gonna see Phoebe now.
Ross: Yeah, okay.
[Rachel goes to open the door, but keeps looking at Ross and can't find the doorknob. Ross walks over to help her find it, but has just as much trouble and eventually they kiss again. Ross gently touches Rachel's face, and they go into the delivery room.]
[Cut to the delivery room, where everyone is huddled around Phoebe, who is holding one baby. Frank is holding another, and Alice is holding the other.]
Ross: Hi, Pheebs!
Rachel: Oh, look at them, they're so tiny!
Chandler: Oh, kinda like...
Chandler: Alright, you guys are really ruining my fun!
Alice: Actually, Phoebe, Frank and I were talking about this on the way here. We'd like you to be the godmother to Frank the Third, Leslie and Chandler.
Chandler: I already have a godmother! Alright, she's a he, but still!
Frank: No, we mean that she'd be, like, a second mother to the triplets.
Alice: Yeah, we thought that since you carried them for 9 months, you'd like to be as involved with their upbringing as we are.
Phoebe: Oh, that's so great, of course I will!
Ross: Um, guys, I've got an announcement to make. Actually, Rach, do you wanna tell them?
Monica: Why, does she have something to do with it?
Ross: Actually, she's part of the news. She and I are, um... we've decided to give it another go.
[Everyone gives assorted "Congratulations" and "That's great".]
Joey: So, Ross, does this mean that I owe Chandler 5 bucks?
[Scene: An elevator. Chandler and Monica are in there.]
Chandler: So, we're just gonna be friends, then?
Monica: For now. If we're gonna start a relationship, it'll happen, now's just not the right time. I mean, it'd have to happen gradually, and not just after one night.
Chandler: Yeah, I see what you mean.
[The elevator comes to a stop. They look at each other.]
Monica: You even think about that elevator fantasy and I will kill you!