Written by: Ethan
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kauffman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
CENTRAL PERK (Everyone but Rachel is present)
Monica: Ross, where’s Rachel?
Ross: She got called into work.
Chandler: Isn’t it Saturday?
Phoebe: Every day to you is Saturday.
Chandler: And what’s that supposed to mean?
Phoebe: Just that. You never work therefore every day is Saturday.
Chandler: I think you have me confused with Joey.
Joey: Hey! I work. (everyone looks at Joey) Ok, not really. But still cheap shot.
Opening Credits
CENTRAL PERK (Continued from before)
Monica: Joey, explain to me why you’re not working at Days of Our Lives again.
Joey: We’re on hiatus.
Chandler: Ah, Joe, aren’t soap operas shot year round?
Joey: I thought that too but when the scripts stopped showing up at my apartment I figured we were on hiatus.
Ross: Wait a minute, you don’t know for sure that you’re on hiatus.
Joey: I’m sure.
Monica: Joey?
Joey: Ok, I’m not. I think I better call Estelle.
Phoebe: He was fired.
Monica: How can you say that?
Phoebe: Just like I did. (talking slowly) He…was…fired.
Ross: How do you know?
Phoebe: I took the call from Estelle.
Chandler: And you didn’t share this with Joey?
Phoebe: I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
Monica: Phoebe! This is his career, not some stupid high school play.
Phoebe: Don’t yell at me. I’m just the messenger here.
Ross: Yeah, one who didn’t relay the message.
(Joey returns)
Joey: Ah, Phoebe can I talk to you for a minute.
Phoebe: Actually you can’t, I’m late for a meeting at work.
Joey: You don’t even have a job!
Phoebe: Alright, alright, stop badgering me. What?
Joey: Did you speak to Estelle?
Phoebe: I speak to Estelle all the time.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Yeah, she’s my agent.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Ok, ok she’s not my agent. She’s my cigarette supplier.
Monica: You don’t smoke.
Phoebe: (to Monica) Ok, not helping.
Joey: Did you forget to give me a message?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. Your mom called. Ok, see you later. (Phoebe gets up to leave)
Joey: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Yeah? (pause) Oh right, yeah, you got fired from Days of Our Lives. See you later.
Joey: Phoebe, how could you not tell me! You’re supposed to be my friend.
Phoebe: I am your friend Joey. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Joey: Out of all my friends, I trust you the most. You’re my doobie smoking partner, my secret girlfriend, now you’re just, just, well I can’t even say it. See you around. (Joey leaves)
Phoebe: I think he’s mad at me.
Chandler: You think?
RALPH LAUREN (Rachel is working at her desk. Kim enters)
Kim: Ready for the meeting?
Rachel: Sure. Do you have any idea what’s it about?
Kim: No, I don’t.
(Kim and Rachel enter the conference room)
Rachel: The whole department is here.
Kim: Ralph is probably going to tell us how proud he is of our spring line.
(short time lapse)
Ralph: So, due to shortfalls in earnings the last three quarters, the board and I have decided that cuts have to be made. And while I thank you for coming in on a Saturday, I hate to inform you of this, but everyone in this room is being let go….
Rachel: (to Kim) What did he just say?
Kim: I think we just got laid off.
Ralph: Each employee will get one month’s pay plus $5,000. I thank you for the work you’ve done, but business is business. Good luck in your careers.
Rachel: Oh my God! I just lost my job!
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Ross, Chandler and Monica are present)
Ross: Have you guys seen Joey?
Monica: Ah, you’ve been with us all day, does that answer your question?
Chandler: Maybe we should go check all the sandwich shops in the Village.
Ross: Or the pizzerias.
Chandler: No, he only orders from Melo’s and they deliver.
Ross: Man, where’s Rachel, she should be here by now.
Monica: Maybe she just had to get a project done or something.
Ross: It’s five o’clock, she said she’d be finished by noon. I’m gonna call her. (Ross picks up the phone)
Chandler: Where’s Phoebe?
Monica: She called earlier. She’s out looking for Joey. She feels really bad.
Chandler: She should, what she did was really wrong. It was like me asking if you boobs were real or not.
Monica: I thought we agreed we weren’t gonna talk about that anymore!
Chandler: I think I’ll be quiet for the rest of the evening.
Ross: Well she’s not at the office and she’s not home. Where in the hell is she?
Chandler: Maybe she went to her secret boyfriend’s. (Ross glares at Chandler) Ok, maybe not the best time for that joke.
Monica: Is that being quiet?
CENTRAL PERK (Joey is talking to Gunther)
Gunther: Let me get this straight, they fired you again?
Joey: Yeah, something about me not being able to pull off being a woman.
Gunther: But they didn’t drop you down an elevator shaft this time?
Joey: No. What does that have to do with anything?
Gunther: So there’s still a chance that you could get your job back.
Joey: Huh?
Gunther: How long have you been on “hiatus?”
Joey: Just this week.
Gunther: And how often are you on?
Joey: On what? Drugs?
Gunther: No. How many days a week are you on the show?
Joey: Usually twice a week, sometimes three.
Gunther: So you’ve only been missing for two shows, three at the most.
Joey: What’s your point Gunther?
Gunther: Go get your job back. Prove to them that you’re a good woman.
Joey: I can do that! I can be a good woman! (realizes everyone in Central Perk is looking at him) That’s right, I can be a damn good woman!
SOMEWHERE ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK CITY (Rachel is walking aimlessly. A cop approaches her)
Cop: Miss? (pause) Miss?
Rachel: Yeah.
Cop: Are you ok?
Rachel: No.
Cop: Did someone hurt you?
Rachel: Yes.
Cop: Who?
Rachel: Ralph Lauren.
Cop: The designer?
Rachel: Yeah.
Cop: What did he do to you?
Rachel: He fired me.
Cop: What’s your name?
Rachel: Rachel Green.
Cop: It’s getting late. Do you live in this neighborhood?
Rachel: Huh?
Cop: Do you live around here?
Rachel: (starting to cry) I don’t know! Where am I?!
Cop: Rachel, come with me, I’ll get you home.
Rachel: Will you get me a job?
Cop: Let’s get you home first, then we’ll see about the job.
Rachel: If I become a cop, can I shoot Ralph Lauren?
Cop: No, I don’t think so.
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT (Chandler and Ross are present)
Ross: Where is she? I have called everybody she’s knows and nobody has seen her.
Chandler: Did you call Mark?
Ross: I am not calling Mark.
Chandler: I’m only trying to help.
Ross: Then stop trying.
Chandler: Look Ross, you won. Rachel’s marrying you, not Mark. Call Mark.
Ross: Ok. You’re right. (Ross picks up the phone again and starts to dial. Rachel enters with the Cop)
Cop: Are you Ross Geller?
Ross: Yes. Rachel! Where in the hell have you been? I have been trying to find you all day!
Cop: I found her walking aimlessly on 52nd Street. She said lost her job today. She’s really upset. Do you have things from here?
Ross: Yeah. Thanks for bringing her home.
(The Cop leaves)
Rachel: (sobbing) I’m so sorry Ross. I’m so sorry I lost my job.
Ross: It’s ok sweetie, as long as your safe, I don’t care about anything else. Do you wanna tell me what happened?
Rachel: (crying uncontrollably) Ralph, Ralph let me go!
Chandler: Should I call Monica?
Ross: That’s ok. We’ll be over later.
Chandler: See ya man. Don’t worry about it Rach, everything will work out fine.
(Chandler leaves)
Ross: Come here honey, it’s gonna be ok. (Ross takes Rachel in his arms as she continues to cry)
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are present)
Monica: She got laid off?
Chandler: Yeah and she’s not taking it well at all.
Monica: Should I go over there?
Chandler: No, Ross said that he’d handle it.
Monica: But her best friend should be there.
Chandler: Mon, her best friend is already there.
Phoebe: Joey still hasn’t shown up?
Chandler: No.
Phoebe: I don’t want Joey to be mad at me, I mean he’s my secret boyfriend. He’s my back up.
Monica: Why didn’t you just tell him that he was fired?
Phoebe: Don’t you remember how depressed he was when they dropped his character down the elevator shaft? I didn’t want him to feel that pain again.
Chandler: And he’s not depressed and hurt now?
Phoebe: Ok, ok. I made a mistake.
(Joey enters)
Phoebe: Joey!
Joey: I’m not done not talking to you Phoebe. Hey Chandler, Monica.
Monica: Joey where have you been? Everyone’s been looking for you.
Joey: I was down at the producers’ office getting my job back.
Chandler: You got your job back?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: But you just said you were at the producers’ office.
Joey: Did you guys hear something?
Chandler: Hear what?
Joey: A woman talking. (cut to Phoebe who’s not pleased) Oh well it’s not there anymore. Anyway, I went and talked to one of the producers and she told me there was nothing that she could do.
Monica: Then why are you so happy?
Joey: Well she did say that she was leaving Days of Our Lives for General Hospital.
Chandler: And?
Joey: And that she likes my work and will get me a job on General Hospital as a Neurosurgeon.
Monica: That’s great Joey! I’m so happy for you.
Chandler: And the fake Neurosurgeon is back! Medicine will never be the same again!
Phoebe: So you’re not mad at me anymore?
Joey: No, I’m still mad.
Phoebe: Oh.
Chandler: So Joe, what made you go down to the producers’ office?
Joey: Gunther did.
Chandler: Gunther?
Joey: Yeah, he told me to be the best woman I can be.
Chandler: What strange advice.
Joey: No, he told me to go fight for my old job.
Monica: Good. You had me worried for a minute that you were gonna be stealing my clothes. I already have to worry about that when Chandler’s Dad comes to visit.
Chandler: (to Monica) And I thought we weren’t talking about that anymore!
Joey: Well I’m gonna go shower.
Monica: Joey wait, before you leave, Rachel lost her job today so if you see her, don’t say anything to upset her.
Joey: Rach lost her job?
Chandler: She got laid off. Budget cuts.
Joey: Alright. I need a shower. Bye.
(Joey leaves)
Phoebe: Joey’s not talking to me.
Chandler: Yes, that was very apparent.
Phoebe: What did you do to get Joey to talk to you again after you kissed Kathy?
Monica: He was in a box for six hours.
Phoebe: Great, that gives me an idea. I’ll see you guys later. (Phoebe leaves)
Monica: I don’t wanna even know what she’s going to do.
Chandler: If she were smart, she’d hop in the shower with Joey naked.
JOEY’S APARTMENT (Joey’s in the shower. Phoebe enters the bathroom)
Phoebe: Joey?
Joey: Phoebe I’m in the shower! Get out of here!
Phoebe: But I need to tell you something.
Joey: What is it?
Phoebe: I’m sorry and I wanna make it up to you.
Joey: Fine.
Phoebe: Can I join you?
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Can I get in the shower with you?
Joey: No, you can’t!
Phoebe: Well isn’t that what you’ve always wanted.
Joey: Well yeah, but I’m in a monogamous relationship with your roommate.
Phoebe: But Courteney won’t mind, we shower together all the time.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Ok, we don’t but I bet that you can picture that in your mind.
Joey: Almost.
Phoebe: What do you mean almost?
Joey: I’ve never seen you naked.
Phoebe: Well peel back the shower curtain.
(Joey peels back the curtain and sees Phoebe fully clothed.)
Joey: Phoebe! Put your clothes back on!
Phoebe: I have my clothes on.
Joey: Not in my head.
CHANDLER & MONICA’S APARTMENT (Everyone but Ross and Rachel are present)
Joey: Pheebs, pass me the chips.
Chandler: I see your talking to Phoebe again.
Joey: Well if you saw Phoebe naked you’d talk to her too.
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Relax, he only got a peek. (to Chandler) It’s better than sitting in a box for six hours.
Chandler: Trust me, it was better than getting naked for Joey.
Joey: Amen to that.
(Ross and Rachel enter)
Ross: Hey.
Monica: Rachel, we heard what happened, are you ok?
Rachel: I’ve been better.
Joey: Man, Rach I haven’t seen you this bad since the whole “we were on a break thing.”
Ross: Joey!
Joey: Sorry, just trying to help.
Rachel: It’s gonna be ok. There are plenty of jobs around, I’ll fine another one.
Chandler: That’s a great attitude to have. You are going to find another job, a better job.
Phoebe: I bet Gunther would give you your old job back at Central Perk. (Rachel starts crying) Ok, maybe this isn’t the best time to bring that up.
Ross: Rach, it’s gonna be ok. It’s like I told you, things happen for a reason.
Joey: Yeah Rach, look at me, I got fired from Days of Our Lives again, and now I’m gonna be on General Hospital. You’ll bounce back, you always do.
Rachel: You got fired again?
Joey: Yeah. I’m always getting fired and I always bounce right back. You’ll be fine.
Rachel: Thanks Joey.
Chandler: Ok, who’s up for strip poker?
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: There’s never a right time to ask if we can play that game.
Closing Credits
ROSS & RACHEL’S APARTMENT
Ross: Are you doing ok honey?
Rachel: Yeah, I’ll be alright. You know you always hear about people you know losing their jobs, I guess I never figured I’d be one of them.
Ross: You’re gonna be fine. You know why?
Rachel: No.
Ross: Because you’re with me, and people with me always, always bounce back stronger than ever.
Rachel: That’s just because you’re such a pain in the ass.
Ross: Ok, look at that, you’re bouncing back already you smart ass.
Rachel: I love you.
Ross: I love you too.
End