The One where it falls apart (1)
Written by: EFN
This script is based on characters, events, and places originally created by Marta Kauffman, David Crane, and Kevin S. Bright. This script is not intended as a derivative work of the NBC series Friends, and may not be reprinted for commercial usage without the express written consent of EF.
Pre-intro scene: Central Perk, all the "Friends" are in there. Chandler on the one-man-couch, Monica Phoebe and Joey are in regular couch, (Monica near Chandler Phoebe in the middle and I guess that you have to guess where Joey is) Rachel on the chair and Ross is just standing like he just arrived.
ROSS: (his specialty) hi
CHAN (dler): haven't we talked about that?
ROSS: (not-in-here) huh?
CHAN: you said that you'd never mention it again!!
CHAN: your (imitate) hi! We said about that something
CHAN: that you won't say that again?
CHAN: I'm talking to an "Huh?" man?... I'm bored!!
CHAN: never mind
CHAN: you spend more time with Joey don't you?
ROSS & CHAN: huh?
CHAN: I knew he'd say that
CHAN: ok! O.k.! I quit! What happened?
ROSS: Ben... Carol... (Hately) SUSAN...
CHAN: at least now we've expanded our vocabulary
MON (ica): (MAD) would you give him a break?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!
CHAN: excuse me?
MON: can't you spend one minute without telling a joke?!?
MON: can you be quite for like... 10 minutes?
MON: what I've just said
PHOE (obe): hi new Chandler!! Or in full name... Ross OPENING CREDITS
(Scene: same as before only Ross is sitting near Joey drinking coffee (de-caff I guess) note: Monica is still pissed off and so all the scene she's screaming or talking pissed off-ly)
JOEY: now can we talk?
(Everyone except Ross and Monica are laughing, Chandler seemed to be pretty amused until he notice Monica's look and get scared)
ROSS: Ben is leaving...
ROSS: Susan and her stupid new work... they're leaving us
ROSS: to... hold tight... LONDON!!!
Everyone (loud!!): WHAT?!?
ROSS: and... And... They will come back
Everyone: (relieved) Ohhhhhhhhhh...
ROSS: in THREE YEARS
Everyone (LOUD): HUH?!?!?
CHAN: not a good thing to joke about...
(Monica stares at him doing the killing sign)
(Monica's stare AGAIN he looks and runs behind Joey)
CHAN: help me!! She'll look at me 'till death!
JOEY (y): no she won't!! You won't, right?
RACH (el): (as Chandler comes back to his place) Ross... I'm so sorry
PHOE: me too... it's so... like when my last boyfriend who I lived at before I came to Monica died when a plane crushed...
PHOE: and it's so by chance that he flew to a foreign land too...
ROSS: why... why... did the plane crash?
PHOE: the "real" reason is the mad pilot but the REAL reason is that I wished my friend not to go...
JOEY: they're both the real reasons?
ROSS: I gotta call Carol!!
(Running out scarily)
CHAN: boy... I wished Ross would stay
(MON stares at him)
MON: DONT GIVE HIM A BAD LUCK!!!
CHAN: I cant stand it anymore!!!!! Tell me when she will stop be mad
(CHAN is leaving, running)
RACH: what the hell was that?
MON: (slowly) he left because he felt like I am killing him!!
RACH: I mean someone else
PHOE & JOEY: who?
RACH: YOU!! Monica!!
RACH: what was all that negativity about him?
MON: was I negative about him?
MON: you think?!?
RACH: you really almost killed him he is REALLY upset
RACH: yea! You better talk with him and tell him that youre sorry
MON: no I wont!
MON: I have respect
RACH: this is really selfish from you!! thats unfair!!
MON: what the hell is happening?
JOEY & PHOE: I dont know
MON: you are SO useless Im going to Ross
JOEY: thats starting to be twilight zone (laughs)
PHOE: its so does not!!!!!
PHOE: why are you telling jokes on stuff that you dont know about?
PHOE: youve watched the show ONCE?
JOEY: NO!!! (PHOE glares at him) I mean there are no naked chicks or minimum nudity in EVERY episode I mean this is probably not a good show
PHOE: you are so idiot
JOEY: yea? From when did YOU started watching the show? Miss. STUPID
PHOE: Im not gonna watch it or stand it
JOEY: then bye!!! Here is the door!!!
PHOE: fine!! ...You won't know that I'm going today to a job interview!!(Leaving)
JOEY: Cool for me!!!
(Waitress no. 1 comes in)
WAIT(ress): here is your check mister
(Joey looks at the bill, checking his pockets, sees there's nothing in there)
JOEY: I left my wallet at home can I go upstairs and get the money for you?
WAIT: no... (Getting closer to him) but I can pay for you if you'll promise that you will pay me on an other way...
JOEY: cool!!! (Thinking) which way is the other way
WAIT:(sitting near Joey touching his body) this way
JOEY: all right!!!! So... when do you want me to... pay?
WAIT: I finish my shift in 2 hours... meanwhile you can drink some wine... my treat... bit only if you'll pay more...
JOEY: I'd LOVE to pay more...
WAIT: then a cold wine is... on the way...
JOEY: yea!!! (She leaves...) what a tough arguments!!!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apt. Chandler's room door is closed...]
(Knock on the door, Chandler comes out from his room we see he is REALLY sad he opens the door... it's... Rachel)
RACH: what's the matter with you?
CHAN: I guess you haven't heard...
RACH: come on... what?
CHAN: it's a long story
RACH: well I just had a fight with Monica and tonight I'm seeing... NO ONE so... I have time
CHAN: come in...
[Scene: An office, Phoebe is having an interview]
BOSS: well it all really seems ok.... but one thing... why did you quit your previous job?
PHOE: they thought that I was a whore...
BOSS: then perfect!!! You are in!
BOSS: let me walk you in...
[Cut to: the new massages place the BOSS is leading Phoebe to a room]
[Cut to: the room Phoebe and the BOSS are coming in]
BOSS: can you start from now?
PHOE: you so missing massagers?
BOSS: I guess... we will send the first client now...
PHOE: all right!! Just one questions!! From where and when do I get the paycheck?
BOSS: the client of course... and you get it in the place before or after the... massage
PHOE:all right and... How much should I charge?
BOSS: as long as the massage goes the better...
PHOE: cool!!! O.k. thanks!!
[Scene: outside the room]
BOSS: hey Cindy!! Send the first client here I promise that the new whor... massager will do him good!! COMMERCIAL BREAK
[SCENE: Ross's apt. he seems like packing there's a knock on the door he's opening it and it's Monica]
MON: hi... what's all the packing about?
ROSS: I'm leaving town...
ROSS: England with Ben and Carol and Susan
MON: so when are you gonna come back?
ROSS: when they will... in three years
[Cut to: Central Perk we see a bottle of wine half drank and Joey over there, he hears Monica's "What?" from far away (lower sound) he turns around to check where is she and then the Waitress comes near him]
WAIT: would you like another thing?
JOEY: your treat?
WAIT: of course!! An hour and a half to go!!
JOEY: why are you so generous anyway?
WAIT: I'm moving today from town and I want to close the business with this city
JOEY: fine by me!
[Scene: Chandler's room, Rachel and Chandler are on the bed talking]
RACH: so... what's the long story?
CHAN: well if I have to...
RACH: well... you have!!
CHAN: it all started after I was back from... Y'know being with Kathy the other night after I was in the box
RACH: wow doesn't it was really late?
CHAN: yea... anyway...
[Cut to flashback without words Chandler's voice over]
CHAN (voice over): Monica waited for me at the entrance to the building. [Monica waiting there then Chandler comes] she asked me if Kathy comes back to her folks I said no! [So does the flash back] she seemed to be disappointed,[so does the flash back] and told that I should break up with her... I asked her why? [So does the flash back] and she told me that I should find a woman with more respect for me, that won't throw me in each problem like... and she stopped talking [so does the flash back] I asked like who? You? She said... yes [so does the flash back] I asked her if she have a crush on me she said no!!! [So does the flash back] and then we got up to the apartments...
[Cut back to CHAN&RACH]
RACH: but that was a week ago!!!
CHAN: I haven't finish...
[Cut to: flashback night all the gang at "Central Perk"]
CHAN: since then things with Kathy were bad I felt like I missed something that night then, two days ago you all left early from Central Perk and left us alone... [So does the flash back from now on] I asked her about the other night & told her that I felt I missed something she asked are you still involved with Kathy? I told her that Kathy was my last hope and that Kathy is soul mate but not girlfriend strangely enough that was true... she asked me if I'm ready to move on.. I said ... sure! If I'll be certain in what I'm moving to so she said: "now you are" and kissed me
[Cut back to CHAN & RACH]
RACH: Oh.... My... god!!!! What happened next!?!?
CHAN: the regular stuff she walked away etc. I couldn't find her so the next day, yesterday I broke up with Kathy
RACH: what!?!!?!? You so wanted it!!!
CHAN: but then... I wanted her as a soul mate... now I want my last soul mate as my girlfriend...
RACH: like Opera...
CHAN: I told her that last night and she said that she don't know what to do now! Then she...
RACH: walked away? (CHAN singles yes) that's so unlike her. She was supposed to jump on that... (Looks at him) catch... (Thinking) unless... were you, like, mess??
[Scene: back to Phoebe's massage room a client comes in]
PHOE:so... what kind of massage do you want?
CL: the best you can have in... That kind of money (pulls out a suitcase of money and opens it Phoebe looks amazed)
PHOE:why would you like a massage in this kind of... amount?
CL:my wife just left me and I'm a multimillionaire so... I can afford a "massage" in that amount
PHOE: fine!!! So... get out of the clothes
CL: already? Cool!!!!
PHOE: yea!! This is a massage!!!
(He drops all his clothes then Phoebe is looking at him (we look as he's back to us)
PHOE: No! No!!!!!!!! You have to cover this area!!!!!
CL: why? (Covers it) I mean, it's not gonna be covered in the... "Massage" time
PHOE: yes it is!!!! I mean unless you want me to make you a... a.... Gentle area massage
CL: that's what it's all about! No?
PHOE: o.k.!!! Then lie down (he does so she starts to massage him) (he wants to get the towel down) no!!! No!! Don't do that!! When it'll be the time of that part in the massage I'll get the towel down ok?
CL: early plays huh?
PHOE: um... you can call it that way I need the body to be relaxed for the main part of the massage
CL: fine!! Fine!! [Cut to the watch on the wall it's been an hour] [Cut back to Phoebe massaging]
CL: it's been an hour and you are still on the early plays
PHOE: you need a VERY LONG MASSAGE for that kind of money
CL: I'd rather if you'd start the massage itself now! You'll still get the money!!!
PHOE: ok... (Focus on Phoebe's face surprised as she uncovers what behind the towel)
CL: look if I'd like people to look at my gentle areas I'd be going to be a striper
PHOE: sorry (massaging)
CL:would you like to stop with the pre-games?
CL: do the massage and that's it!!
PHOE: I am doing the massage!!!
CL: what?!? Do you think that I came for a REAL massage!?!
PHOE: well... yea!
CL: no!!!! I came for a... a.... Gentle area massage
PHOE: that what I did!! You have a very nice hip
CL: I came here for... sex!
PHOE: what? Ewwww!
CL: I see you can't do this stuff
PHOE: I truly don't! (Taking the suitcase and going away)
CL: hey! Give me back my money!
[Scene: Ross's apt. same as before]
MON: I can't believe that you're leaving for 3 years
ROSS: I talked with the museum and asked them to go as their emissary to London for 3 years they said o.k. But you'll have to do it fast I asked "how fast?" they said "tonight" it's the same flight as Susan and Carol
MON: but... you have friends here! You have... me here...
ROSS: I'll be back
MON: in three years are you going to leave it all behind?
ROSS: what do I have here... a friend who laugh about me, a friend which messes with my aura and scaring me a x-girlfriend who I hate to see with other guy the stealing girls guy and... You
MON: sounds like you hate us
ROSS: I'm not! I... just need a break it was a very tough year with Rachel and stuff and.. I didn't really mean what I just said... I guess I prefer to be with my child... although I'm gonna miss you
MON: you know what? I need a break too...
ROSS: what are you saying?
MON:it's been a tough year too... I had a crush on Chandler and...
MON: yea... I think that I'm still but... I need to get away from it... I'll check if there's a sit in you're flight... which department are you...
ROSS: um... last
ROSS:but don't you need to pack and stuff?
MON: first-I'll have the tickets then...- I wanna make it without looking at Chandler
ROSS: alright!! You know what? Let's don't tell anyone of our X's until a minute to the flight
MON: fine! (Thinking) can I just inform Rachel? (Ross gives her a look) I guess not!!(They hug) but what about the apt.?
ROSS: she'll handle this until you'll call her from London
MON: fine...(they hug again) sure?
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom CHAN & RACH are talking on the edge of the bed when all the bed is behind them]
CHAN: ...anyway now I'm without Kathy and Monica hates me...
RACH: ohhhh I'm so sorry!!! I mean, you must feel so taken down that's probably sucks
RACH: I know how you feel with the letter and Ross's new girlfriend's etc. that's must be so... bad
CHAN: you don't say
RACH: in that way we're the same...
[She lets herself fall on the bed CHAN let him fall too they look at each other]
CHAN: (trying to move away from the subject) but you know what? Our friendship covers it all
RACH: yea... weve been together all the lonely times
CHAN: like it's our destiny
RACH: (looking at him) maybe it's really is (they kiss, then break)
CHAN: but we don't want to ruin this friendship
RACH: o... ok... if you want... I mean you said the destiny part...
CHAN: um... um... never mind a destiny is a destiny....
(They kiss more passionately then they see where they are...)
CHAN: look at that smart destiny!
(They kiss again)
[Cut to: Boss's office Phoebe comes in with the money and locks the door]
PHOE: what do you think I am a whore?
PHOE: the guy who wants to have some sex
BOSS: what do you mean?
PHOE: I've massaged him...(the boss looks at her) really and he wanted to have some sex
BOSS: well I'm sorry that you thought that this is that kind of place
PHOE: great... [The guy (now dressed) knocking the door hard] now he wants its money
BOSS: you took the money?
PHOE: I did worked for an hour REALLY good! What am I going to do now?
BOSS: ok.... Take the money and go through the back door from then... I suggest.... Run to the farest place you can
PHOE: ok.... How could I get there?
[BOSS opens a secret passage}
BOSS: good luck!
[She walks away...]
[Cut to: outside Phoebe is walking then a guy comes]
GUY: got you!!! This is the new candit camera show!!!!!
PHOE: shut up!!! [Hits him and runs away]
[Scene: Central Perk Joey is sited drunk the waiter comes]
JOEY:cool... now do I have to pay?
WAIT: oh yea
JOEY: excellent!! Now do I have to pay?
WAIT: oh... yea...
JOEY: alright let's start (kissing her)
WAIT: maybe we'll go to my place
JOEY: all right!!! Where is it?
WAIT: far away... we won't make it because I'm moving today... where do you live?
JOEY: not far
WAIT: do you want us to go to your apartment?
JOEY: no! My roommate is gay but I have an idea... why won't you pay for me to move with you if you want me to pay and you are so generous?
WAIT: you mean that you want to live witme?
WAIT: then I'll pay
JOEY: cool! From where are you so reach?
WAIT: well I wanted to see how can I live by myself and now when I'm back to my country I can use my daddy's credit card! And now I can tell dad that I made some friends what's not true but you are coming!!
JOEY: cool! Are you a princess?
WAIT: no... I'm Caroline
JOEY: nice to meet you I'm gonna pack up a liI'll be right back [getting up ditzy]
WAIT: I'll meet here in 20 min
[Going up the couch a little ditzy but fine he is going out running]
[Scene: Ross's place Monica just hung up the phone...]
MON: I'm coming!!
ROSS: no... Now you have to help me pack...
MON:ok... now can I call Rachel?
ROSS: we had an agreement you are staying here unless you don't wanna come!!
ROSS: fine... and now we will pack
MON: (disappointment) yea...
ROSS: you don't know how much Susan & Carol like you for coming with me
ROSS: so you could shut me up...
[Scene: Chandler's bedroom it seems like Chandler and Rachel had a nice sport blanket covers from their neck down]
CHAN: that was... strange
CHAN: we suppose to be just friends... not... lovers
RACH: not from now on...
CHAN: you're right!! (They kiss suddenly Rachel stops) what?
RACH: on the other hand... what will Monica say?
CHAN: and what will Ross say?
(Suddenly there's a knock on the door Cut to there: Joey drunk comes in Cut back to the bedroom)
CHAN & RACH: oh-oh
CHAN: we must hide you!!! Get out from there
RACH: I can't!! I'm naked
CHAN: as opposed to what you wore when we... sported a minute ago!!
RACH: but now it's different last minute it... it... it was only for passion and now it's... philosophic what will Ross say... what wil Monica...
JOEY (from outside): Chandler? Chandler?
RACH: o.k. I will hide just....go out
CHAN: well... I am not dressed too...
JOEY: Chandler? Are you in your room?
[Chandler is taking a boxer from nearby and it seems like he wears it under the blanket it rush then comes out with only boxer on him]
CHAN: ok I'm going out... dress up and hide!!
[Cut to: the apt. enters JOEY is there drunk Chandler is coming out from the room closing the door after him]
CHAN: Joe, what happened?
JOEY: I need to pack... why are you all in a boxer? Is there a girl over there? [points at the room]
CHAN: NO!! No! I mean... I was just sleeping...
CHAN: I am trying to sleep naked like you and... that's it!
[JOEY seemes to not understand Chandler is trying to move from the subject]
CHAN: why do you need to pack?
JOEY: I'm spending the night on a girl's house
CHAN: and why would you need me?
JOEY: just to inform you [going to his room]
CHAN: you're gonna be here tomorrow?
JOEY [from his room]: yea...
[JOEY is going out from the room and he has a small bag on his hand]
CHAN: what have you packed?
JOEY: underwear... I'll see you tomorrow [leaving]
[Cut to Chandler's room RACH is clothed walking back and forth as CHAN is coming]
CHAN: you're quick !
RACH: so what are we gonna do?
CHAN: we need to leave the subject all the time! Never mention it to anyone!! Oh! Oh! Flashback! Flashback! [relizing...] where was I? We need to leave this thing!!
RACH: or just to leave
CHAN: what for?
RACH: to rest and think and I have the perfect idea!!
RACH: to take a little one way, for now, ticket and think
CHAN: yea... we can go anywhere
RACH: and think!! If it was a fling ...
CHAN: or permanent
RACH: great!! (They kiss then break and hug)
[Scene: a street "impossible mission" of U2 in the background, suddenly Phoebe comes with a black coat & sunglasses and moves around suddenly she sees something and coming in a phone cell the man tries to talk to her from outside...]
MAN: look Miss. it's just the new candid camera show
PHOE: tell to your grandmother
MAN: all I want is to talk
PHOE: well don't I know these tricks the next thing I'll know will be I'm a frog and that I passed to another life
MAN: that won't happen
PHOE: look!!! Do you want me to punch you AGAIN?!!?
PHOE: then go away!! Go!!
MAN: but... the money
PHOE: you won't get it and if you want it see you tomorrow at 5 afternoon at Central Perk... it's near Central Park
MAN: do I have a choice?
MAN: ok but don't use the money!!
PHOE: all right now (calling) Hello... what's your earliest flight?
[Scene: a cab, Ross is sitting near the driver while Monica Carol Susan and Ben (let's assume that it's a mini-van cab) are in the back, talking...]
CAROL: so... for how long are you gonna be with us?
Mon: I don't know... maybe for plenty maybe for less I'll talk with Rachel...
ROSS: aren't you gonna stay with me all the time?
Mon: you mean 3 years?
CAROL (Car) & Susan (SUS): (screaming) What?
[Cut to : the cab behind with Rachel & Chandler on the back]
RACH: what was that?
CHAN: I don't know
RACH: it sounded like one of Monica's screams
CHAN: would you nock it off? We aren't gonna think about those brothers until we are in the hotel!!
CHAN: I don't know but it sounds so right...
RACH: well... (remembering in something) oh my god...
RACH: have you called your boss?
CHAN: sure... I told him that personally I said that I was going for some time he said fine... funny that he hadn't asked for how long am I going...
RACH: when did managed you ask him?
CHAN: at the launch break... yesterday... when I was going to meet Joey and Ross... haven't you asked Joanna?
RACH: well... at your point of view... I did...
[Cut back to: the brothers cab]
SUS: are you gonna be with us all the three years?
ROSS: it depends on Monica
SUS: oh... please please please stay for the three years
MON: if she stops act like Ross... fine.... maybe
CAROL: ok... I knew it would work
[the cab stops]
ROSS: all right!! We're on our way to London!!!
[they go out from the cab and hug Cut to: CHAN & RACH doing the same Cut to: the Cab of Joey and Caroline Joey is asleep and Caroline is trying to wake him up cut to Phoebe comes behind with a dark coat and glasses watches disappointedly then keep following them]
[Fade to black... to be continue title on the screen] Closing Credits
[Scene: the airport Ross, Monica, Carol, Susan and Ben near a public phone Monica seem to be talking on it]
MON: Rach, I'm moving to London with Ross Carol and Susan
BEN: me too
MON: and Ben I'll call you later please stay by the phone the next days... we're gonna miss you... I don't want to say goodbye to a machine but... say everyone that I love them (starts crying Ross takes the phone)
ROSS: we're gonna miss you guys we'll talk when well get back
[Rachel enters, they see the phone and Rachel calling]
RACH: they're not home... I'll tell that on the machine... [Pause] Mon... Chandler and I are going to... well I don't know yet Chandler is arranging the tickets now... we're going to unknown time I locked the apt. As you knew my key is on the guys apt. Chandler's apt. Key on the counter at our place and we left Joey a note Chandler just broke up from Kathy and I... with the Ross's stuff so we're gonna think a while. I'm gonna... [Chandler is coming] miss you guys say hello to everyone... Ross too (starts crying Chandler grabs the phone)
CHAN: we're gonna miss you (starts crying they walk away that way to the airplane)
[Joey and Caroline (CAROL) enters]
CAROL: that was cute- your sleeping in the cab, now you can stay awake on our trip
JOEY: are we going anywhere!?!!
CAROL: you've forgot? We already bought tickets and you told you're friends
JOEY: when will we get back?
CAROL: I don't know...
[They leave, then Phoebe appears in a black coat a she's calling]
PHOE: Mon? I'm going to... I can't tell they must be following me... I know it's the 10th message but I had a strong feeling that they follow me you know from the last message well anyway I'll talk to you then they can't find me in London... bye
[Hangs up and goes away then comes back and calls again]
PHOE: it's mmy grandmother and inform her bye!
[Hangs up and goes away then comes back and calls again]
PHOE: I'm gonna miss you all bye!!
[Hangs up and goes away then comes back and calls again]
PHOE: say bye for everyone for me
[Hangs up and goes away then comes back and calls again]
PHOE: the chick and the duck too
[Hangs up and goes away then comes back and calls again]
PHOE: and tell Joey that... I'm sorry... bye!!
To Be Continued Next on E's fake "Friends" episodes: Is it gonna be all right? Are they gonna be together again? And if they are? Chanand Monica or Chandler and Rachel? Will Joey come back? What will happen with the apt? What will Ross and Monica do alone in London? And Will Phoebe stay ok or the Mafia will catch her?