The One When They Go To L.A.

by: Jennifer

(Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is waiting on the couch alone. Rachel enters.)

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs! What are you doing all by yourself?

Phoebe: Oh, I’m waiting for Frank and Alice. They’re meeting me here. We’re all gonna spend, ya know, a day with the babies. Oh, and I’m gonna tell Frank that I found our father, so ...

Rachel: That’s right!! How do you think he’s gonna take it? (Sits down next to her)

Phoebe: Well, I mean, if I know Frank, I think he’ll be excited ... or he may be mad and excited like I was ... or just mad. Actually, I really haven’t known him that long, so I have no idea what he’s gonna say!

Rachel: Well, Pheebs, I’m sure he won’t freak out or anything. I mean, he’s not normally an angry person.

Phoebe: No, I know, I’m just ... I’m just nervous is all.

Rachel: Well, you want me to stay here with you?

Phoebe: Umm, ... no, not really.

Opening Credits

(Rachel and Monica’s. Joey, Chandler and Monica are eating dinner.)

Joey: (finishes his dinner and pushes his chair back) Wow! Mon, that was great!

Monica: Thanks, Joey. (She watches as he gets up and piles about 4 plates and 2 cups into the sink and starts walking out.) Uhh, ...

Joey: What?

Monica: We have a dishwasher.

Joey: Yea, I know. Good thing, too, because there’s a lot of dishes in that sink. (Exits)

Chandler: So, is it just us tonight?

Monica: I think so. (Slides her chair closer to his) What do you wanna do?

Chandler: Hmm, ... I can think of a few things. (She laughs.) I’m lying. I can only think of one. (He leans over to kiss her as Ross enters.)

Ross: Monica? (Chandler pushes Monica away and her chair falls backwards, sending her to the floor. Ross stares at her.) What are you doing?

Monica: (getting up, sheepishly) Ya know, I always say I need new chairs here. They’re just so old and rickety. Something like this was bound to happen someday!

Ross: Didn’t you just buy those chairs like three years ago?

Monica: Ross, chairs need to be replaced annually! Any fool knows that! (Chandler scoffs in agreement.)

Ross: Anyway ... I have good news ... and bad news.

Chandler: Bad news first.

Ross: Ok, well, there are only three extra tickets.

Chandler: Okay, ya know what? We may have needed the good news for that to make sense.

Ross: The museum’s sending me to LA for the weekend for a conference and they said I can have three extra tickets. They’ll put us up at a hotel and everything, but again, there are only ...

Chandler: Three extra tickets, yea, you mentioned that before.

Ross: So? How are we gonna decide who goes?

Monica: (thinks of something) You know what? We (gestures to she and Chandler) don’t need to go!! Joey never does anything and Phoebe needs to get away from the city and Rachel ... ‘s a nice girl.

Chandler: Yea, she’s right. We’ll stay here ... together ... alone.

Ross: Are you sure? I mean, I don’t want you guys to give up a trip. We could draw straws or something.

Chandler: Draw straws?

Monica: No, Ross, please. We are both HAPPY to stay here.

Chandler: Yes, definitely.

Ross: Okay, well, great. Thanks, you guys. I’m gonna go tell Joey. (Rachel enters.) Hey, Rach! Guess what? We’re going to LA next weekend!

Rachel: Who is?

Ross: Me, you, Joey and Pheebs.

Rachel: Ross, oh, I really can’t. There’s this big seminar next weekend on the new fashions for the spring line. I just can’t miss it.

Ross: Oh, that’s too bad.

Rachel: I’m really sorry. Why don’t you just give Monica my ticket?

Ross: Ok? Mon?

Monica: Well, actually ...

Rachel: No, you know what? This’ll be good, because, Chandler, I was gonna ask you if you wanted to come with me to the seminar anyway. I’m like the only girl in the whole store without a boyfriend and I figured if we went out for drinks or something afterwards, it might get awkward, oh please say you’ll do it!!

Chandler: Well, I guess I could ...

Rachel: Oh, thank you! (She hugs him.) I love you!! (Monica shoots him a nasty look and he laughs, nervously.)

(Joey and Chandler’s. Joey is in his room, packing and Chandler is sitting in the chair.)

Joey: (from his room) Hey! How many pairs of underwear do you think I’ll need for the weekend?

Chandler: Do you have any underwear?

Joey: (enters living room on phone) No, but Rachel’s gonna pick some up for me.

Chandler: (walking into the kitchen) I don’t know.

Joey: (into the phone) Rach? Let me call ya back. (Hangs up) What’s the matter with you?

Chandler: Monica’s mad at me because she has to go to LA and I have to stay here.

Joey: Well, why doesn’t she just stay?

Chandler: Why would she stay?

Joey: To be with you!

Chandler: Well, she can’t tell that to Ross. He’s gonna wonder why she won’t wanna go to LA. Who wouldn’t wanna go to LA? There’s so much ... nice stuff there.

Joey: Well, if ya want, I’ll stay home.

Chandler: No, I wouldn’t make you do that.

Joey: No, really, I don’t care. I mean, no offense, but I don’t really trust you with the duck and chicken for the whole weekend. Ya might forget to feed ‘em if you’re really upset about Monica.

Chandler: Oh, well, we can’t have that!

Joey: Right.

Chandler: You sure, Joe?

Joey: Yea. Positive.

Chandler: Thanks. (Runs into his room) I gotta go pack! (Runs out of his room) I gotta go tell Monica! (Runs into his room) I’m gonna pack first!

(Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch. Frank and Alice enter with the babies. Two are in a carriage and one is in a carrier on Frank’s back.)

Frank and Alice: Hi!!

Phoebe: Hey, you guys! Oh!! Oh! Look how cute they are! Hey, babies! (Frank goes to hug her but she spins him around to see the baby on his back.) Ooh! Ooh! Hi ... who am I looking at here?

Frank: Uh, that’s Frank Jr. Jr.

Phoebe: Oh. Hi, Frank Jr. Jr. Oh, speaking of Franks ...

Frank: (spinning around quickly) Yea, I’m hungry too.

Phoebe: Not the food, the person.

Frank: Oh.

Phoebe: I sorta have to talk to you about something.

Alice: Ok, well, I’ll just go over here and get us some coffee ... or just me. (Phoebe sits down and Frank goes to sit down next to her with the baby still on his back.) Frank! Frank!!

Frank: Oh! (Takes the baby off and laughs) I always do that!

Phoebe: Well, that’s good to hear. Anyway, umm ... there’s no easy way to say this, but ... I kinda found ... our dad.

Frank: What?! You found - you found Dad? Where is he? (He stands up and looks around.)

Phoebe: No, he’s not here now. I mean, I didn’t even actually find him. He sorta found me. ‘Cause, ya know, my grandma died and he came to see my mom. (Laughs) Too bad, ya know, he missed her by seventeen years.

Frank: Well, what did he say? Where is he now??

Phoebe: He lives in Connecticut, now. And RIGHT now, I guess he would be there. At his house.

Frank: But what did he say? Did he mention me?

Phoebe: Umm, no (Frank looks upset.)... but that doesn’t mean anything. I mean, he may have just forgotten to mention that he had a son. I mean, I forgot to mention I had a brother, so ...

Frank: Yea, well, ya know, maybe it’d be better if I didn’t even see him.

Phoebe: What are you talking about? I mean, this is your dad! You knew him for almost sixteen years, a whole lot longer than I knew him. You have to want to see him again.

Frank: Well, I guess I just don’t want my kids to have to have him as a grandfather. I mean, I can be their father AND their grandfather, right?

Phoebe: I guess ... but I mean, wouldn’t that gray beard get itchy after a while? (Frank looks puzzled.)

(Rachel and Monica’s. Monica walks out of her room and drops her bag heavily on the ground.)

Monica: I’m packed! (She kicks it toward the door.) Stupid LA!

Rachel: (entering) Hey! Guess what? That seminar is actually next weekend! I can’t believe I gave up my ticket to LA! (Sits at kitchen table)

Monica: Hey! Ya want it back?

Rachel: No! Monica, you’re already packed. No, forget it. I’ll stay here with Chandler.

Monica: No, Rachel. I’m not packed! See? (She starts throwing her clothes all over.) See? Unpacked!

Rachel: Monica! What are you doing?

Monica: (looks at mess and cringes) See how much I want you to go??

Rachel: I guess you do. Ok! Thanks, Mon! I’m gonna pack. (Runs into her room. Monica sits down at the table and smiles, then runs over and starts cleaning up.)

(Central Perk. Joey and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Phoebe has her suitcase..)

Joey: So, what did he say when you told him?

Phoebe: Well, he said he’s just gonna let it sink in, ya know? He’s not even sure if he still wants to talk to him or what. So, I’m gonna call him when I get back.

Joey: If you want, I could give him a call this weekend. I had a similar experience, you know.

Phoebe: Really?

Joey: Yea! Once my dad left my family, and I got so mad at him, I didn’t think I could ever even look at him again. But, then it turned out that he was just at the supermarket and the cheese he brought home kinda made up for it. (Phoebe nods.)

Ross: (entering with his bag) Hey! Pheebs! Ya ready to go?

Phoebe: (standing) Yea. Where’s everyone else?

Ross: Well, Rachel and Chandler are coming straight from work so they’re meeting us at the airport ...

Joey: Who?

Ross: Rachel and Chandler. Monica said she would rather stay home.

Joey: Oh, no no no!!

Ross: What?

Joey: Monica has to go!! She was so excited!

Ross: She didn’t seem to mind just now when I said goodbye to her.

Joey: Did you tell her who was going?

Ross: No.

Joey: Oh, okay. (He runs out.)

Ross: Okay ...

(Rachel and Monica’s. Monica is sitting on the couch with romantic music playing and candles burning. Joey runs in and slams the door.)

Monica: Hey, sexy! Ready for a weekend of LOVE?

Joey: Monica!

Monica: (She turns around.) You! Why are YOU here??

Joey: Because Chandler went to LA!

Monica: What? How?

Joey: I gave him my ticket so he could be with you!!

Monica: But I gave Rachel my ticket so I could be with him!!

Joey: Yea, I know!!

Monica: Crap! (Jumps up) What am I gonna do??

Joey: You’re gonna sit around with me and the chicken and the duck all weekend instead of having sex with Chandler.

Monica: Not if I can help it. (She dials a number on the phone.) Rachel Greene, please.

Joey: What are you ... (Monica shushes him.)

Monica: (into the phone) Hi, Rach? Listen, guess who is gonna be in LA this weekend?? ... Nicolas Cage!! ... I know!! ... I know!! ... So, do you think I could ... Yea, that’s what I ... I ... You ... Yea! ... Thank you! (Hangs up) Done. (Joey stares, amazed.)

(Airport. Ross and Phoebe are at the gate. Chandler comes up with his bag.)

Chandler: Hey, are we ready to board yet?

Ross: Yea, in about ten minutes.

Chandler: (looking around) Where’s Monica?

Ross: Rachel.

Chandler: Monica.

Ross: Rachel.

Phoebe: Joey! (They look at her.) Oh, am I playing wrong?

Chandler: Isn’t Monica coming?

Ross: No, she gave Rach her ticket.

Chandler: Oh, oh man!

Ross: What?

Chandler: I ... can’t go.

Phoebe: What?

Chandler: Yea, I just remembered I have to work.

Ross: You got all the way here, checked your bag, walked all the way to the gate and THEN remembered you have to work??

Chandler: Yup. Boy, this stinks, huh? (Runs away) See ya!

Ross: Ok, Pheebs, I guess it’s just me, you and ... (Monica walks up.) Monica!

Monica: Hey! Are we ready to party?

Phoebe: Yay! Okay.

Ross: What are you doing here?

Monica: Rachel couldn’t come.

Ross: Why?

Monica: (very softly) ... Nicolas Cage ...

PA system: Boarding will now begin for flight 546 to Los Angeles.

Monica: Where’s Chandler?

Ross: He couldn’t come. (Ross and Phoebe walk to the gate and Monica opens her mouth in a silent scream.)

Closing Credits

Frank: (on phone at his house) So, how did you do it?

Joey: (on phone at his apartment) Well, I just kept thinking if I didn’t talk to him, I may not get the cheese.

Chandler: (enters) Hey!

Joey: (into phone) Hold on. (To Chandler) What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in LA with Monica?

Chandler: No, because Monica stayed here. Rachel’s in LA.

Rachel: (enters) Hey! (To Chandler) What are you doing here?

Chandler: Wait, if I didn’t go and YOU didn’t go, that means there’s still an extra ticket ... (They both run out.)

Joey: (on phone) Ok, so back to the cheese ...