The One Where Gunther's Happy and Chandler Isn't


Written by: John Noonan
Edited by: Kat

Disclaimer: The characters and their stories belong to Bright, Kaufman, and Crane and NBC and Warner Brothers. I mean no infringement and make no profit.


(Int. Chandler and Monica's. Night)

(The gang are all there. The girls are all dressed up and are about to leave the apartment. The guys are saying goodbye. Chandler is near the kitchen table. Joey and Eddie are stood near the TV. Joey is holding Caitlin.)

Monica: Okay, now Chandler you're not bothered that I'm going to a bachelorette party.

Chandler: Hey, it's your Bacholerette party don't forget.

Monica: I know. I just want to make sure that you're okay that you had to cancel yours.

Chandler: If it's to look after Caitlin then I'm not bothered.

Monica: (To Eddie and Joey) What about you?

Joey: (Falsely) Hey, forget about it. We can book the stripper next time she's town.

Chandler: See? They couldn't be more happy.

Monica: Okay. Well, we'll be going then.

(She kisses Chandler and leaves the room with Phoebe and Rachel. Chandler, Joey and Eddie wave goodbye happily. Chandler, smiling, turns to face Joey and Eddie who are now grimacing. Chandler is taken a back by their sudden mood change.)

Chandler: What?

(The other guys walk off mumbling under their breath.)

(Opening Credits)

(Int. Chandler and Monica. Night)

(The guys are all there except for Chandler. Beer, cola and potato chips are on the kitchen table and Beastie Boys are on the stereo. Chandler comes in from Caitlin's room.)

Chandler: Hey, turn that down. I've just put Caitlin down for the night.

(Joey reluctantly turns down the stereo.)

Joey: How come we've been left holding the baby?

Chandler: What do you mean?

Eddie: What my friend is trying to say is that he cannot believe that on the one night we could be causing hell on the streets of New York, we are, instead, stuck here holding the baby, literally. Like the sappy one dimensional caring men we are.

(Chandler looks at him, not blinking.)

Chandler: You've still got a few of those personal demons haven't you, Ed? (To Joey) Look, you know why we're here. We couldn't have two parties at the same time because there would be no one to look after Caitlin. I'm sorry we had to cancel our party, I'm not happy about it either, but there is nothing we can do. Anyway, look, don't forget that the girls are only at Central Perk. How much fun could they possibly be having?

(Slam cut to;)

(Int. Central Perk. Night.)

(The girls plus twelve others are having a riot. Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like A Woman" is on the stereo and Gunther is passing around cocktails. Rachel stands in front of him smiling. She seems a little bit tipsy.)

Rachel: (Drunkenly) Hey, I just want to say that you are a nice guy to lend us this place, Gunther (She begins to pat his shoulder) A nice, nice, nice....

(She drifts off. She's drunker then we thought. )

Gunther: (Embarrassed) Erm, well... (Laughs) Well, you're a nice gal to lend it to.

(Rachel laughs)

Rachel: Oh you. I don't why I didn't continue to go out with you when I did.

(She hits him flirtingly in the arm. Gunther is so surprised that he spills the remainder of the cocktails over himself. His shirt is immediately stained.)

Rachel: (Shocked) Oh, I am so sorry!

Gunther: It's okay. I ...

(Rachel grabs hold of him. Gunther looks surprised.)

Rachel: Oh no. We have to get this cleaned . C'mon.

(Rachel begins to drag Gunther to the bathroom. At first, he is reluctant, but then, judging by the big smile he gives Rachel, he seems to warm to the idea. Phoebe and Monica have been watching all this going on.)

Monica: (To Phoebe; concerned) Hey, should she be doing that?

Phoebe: Well, it is a nice shirt. Probably expensive.

Monica: No. I mean, should she be flirting with Gunther?

Phoebe: She isn't!

Monica: She is.

Phoebe: Oh well, Who hasn't ever flirted with their boss? Ex or otherwise.

Monica: (Defensively) I haven't.

(Phoebe puts her drink down.)

Phoebe: I have to put that down before, I like, y'know, laugh my ass off.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: James Nicholls. Your boss at Iridium Restaurant.

Monica: (Realisation) Oh.

(Int. Chandler and Monica's. Night)

(The three guys are sat watching The Jerry Springer Show. On the screen appears a suspicious looking woman.)

Eddie/Chandler: (Knowingly) Man!

Joey: (Laughing) No she's not! She looks like Marilyn Monroe.

Eddie: Well, it would appear that Ms. Monroe has a 5 o'clock shadow.

Joey: No she doesn't. That's just the lighting. Hey, Chandler, doesn't she remind you of Barbara?

Chandler: You mean, Barbara "Bobby" Burns.

(Eddie and Chandler burst out laughing.)

Joey: What ever.

(The guys continue to watch.)

Jerry: (OS) Peggy-Sue, I believe you have something you wish to tell Bob.

Chandler: Oh! Oh!

Eddie: Here we go.

(Joey begins to look uncomfortable.)

Peggy-Sue: (OS) That's right, Jerry! Bob, you know I love you...

Eddie/Chandler: (Gleefully) Buuuuuut!

Peggy-Sue: But I'm really a man.

(Calmly, Eddie and Chandler look at each other and then at Joey. A roar of laughter follows.)

Joey: (Nervous) Chandler, can I use your phone?

Chandler: (Holding back a laugh) Yeah sure.

(Joey goes to use the phone. Chandler and Eddie are on the edge of their seats. )

Joey: (On Phone) Uh, hello Barbara?

(Eddie and Chandler fall on the floor.)

(Int. Central Perk. Night)

(Music is still booming and Phoebe is stood talking to one of Monica's friends, Katherine.)

Katherine: I think I've drank a little too much.

Phoebe: Oh, me too.

Katherine: Whenever I drink this much I always have the urge to steal a cab and speed through Central Park screaming "Look, at me I'm thirty years old, single and a woman. To hell with it all". What about you?

(Phoebe stares at Katherine for a long time. )

Phoebe: Okay, bye.

(She turns and walks off. Monica suddenly steps in her way.)

Monica: Um, Phoebe, when you're drunk don't you end up saying things that you shouldn't do. Like secrets about presents and weddings?

Phoebe: Oh, without a doubt.

Monica: Ooh, your glass looks empty. Have another drink!

(She hands Phoebe a tray of vodka jellies and walks off.)

(Int. Chandler and Monica's. Night.)

(The guys are still watching TV.)

TV: (OS) Over the hills and far away....

The guys: (Monotone) Teletubbies come out to play.

Eddie: Chandler, uh, tell me again why we're watching Caitlin's "Teletubbies" video?

Chandler: Because it was either this or Monica's "Titanic: The Director's Cut" video.

Joey: Doe that even exist?

Chandler: Oh yeah, came out just after new year. Three extra hours of Leonardo (Pause) pouting.

(The guys shudder.)

Joey: Well, then...(Singing) Tinky Winky, Dipsy...

Eddie: La-la

Chandler: Po!

(Start Montage Sequence)

(The Beastie Boys "Fight for Your Right" plays through the next few scenes.)

(Int. Chandler and Monica's. Night)

(Chandler and the guys sat reading. Chandler reading "War and Peace", Eddie reading "A Tale of Two Cities" and Joey is reading "The Cat in the Hat")

(Int. Central Perk. Night)

(The girls and others are playing Twister. Gunther is sat watching from the bar, but is dragged under by Rachel.)

(Int. Chandler and Monica's. Night)

(Back at the guys, they seem to be playing a game. Eddie holds up a card that says "530", Joey holds up one saying "670" and Chandler reluctantly holds up a card that says "800". Joey then sits down and Eddie begins to count each hair on his head. One by one.)

(Int. Central Perk. Night)

(At the coffee shop Gunther walks pass the bathroom and is dragged in by Rachel. Phoebe puts her drink down and doesn't spot Monica pouring some extra vodka into it.)

(Int. Chandler and Monica's. Night)

(Eddie is asleep on the window sill and Joey is asleep on the kitchen table cuddling one of Caitlin's teddies. Chandler is sat grumpily on a chair, something ticking over in his head. We stay focused on him as we fade out.)

(End Montage.)

(Int. Central Perk. Night.)

(Phoebe and Monica are sat on the couch talking.)

Monica: Is it a trip to London?

Phoebe: (Shocked) You want another one?

Monica: Is it any kind of holiday?

Phoebe: I can't say.

Monica: (Irritated) Oh, Phoebe, for all I know I could be getting a catapult.

Phoebe: (upset) Oh, now you know mine.

(Rachel sits down next to Monica. Her hair is in a mess.)

Monica: (Mother like) Where have you been?

Rachel: (Innocently) Nowhere.

Monica: You've spent an awful lot of time with Gunther.

Rachel: Nooooo. Um, yeah.

(She laughs.)

Monica: Sweetie, be careful. Don't you think you're just acting this way because it's my bachelorette party, you're drunk and missing Ross.

Rachel: (Laughs) Oh, Mon! I'm completely over Ross. I'm just having a little fun. I've been out with Gunther before. Nothing will come of this. What exactly do you think will happen?

(Int. A bedroom. Night)

(CU on Rachel's face. She's asleep. Slowly, she wakes up and smiles. She dreamily turns to her right. Suddenly, her eyes open wide. We pull back quickly to see her bed partner as Rachel sits up.)

Rachel: Gunther?!

(Gunther sits there smiling.)

Gunther: Hello...my sweet.

(Rachel smiles back uncomfortably.)

(Int. Chandler and Monica's. Night)

(Eddie and Joey are tidying up the place, removing bottles and potato chip packets. Chandler is sat on the window sill staring into space.)

Joey: Overall, tonight hasn't really been that bad, eh Chandler?

Chandler: (Grumpily) Mmmmm.

Eddie: Yeah, I mean I got to know you guys a little bit better which is a bonus for me.

Joey: Aw, that's so sweet!

(He and Eddie share a hug. Eddie walks up to Chandler, arms open. Chandler releases a growl and Eddie backs away just as quickly as he came. Monica stumbles into the apartment. First guess is that she's a little tipsy.)

Monica: (Loudly) Hello.

Joey: Ssh! You'll wake Caitlin.

Monica: Oh, sorry, has she been restless?

Eddie: No, she's been like a little angel.

Chandler: (Glum) Yeah, an angel.

Monica: Hey, Mr Gloomy. Is something wrong?

(Chandler gets of the window sill.)

Chandler: Oh no, I've just been thinking. That's all.

Monica: (Smiling) Oh yeah, about what?

Chandler: About the fact that I've been stuck in all night while you've been partying.

Monica: (Surprised) I don't...

Chandler: I wanted a bachelor party. Ross had two parties. Eddie was gonna have a party until Tilly ripped out his heart over pancakes, and I'm pretty damn sure that Joey will have a bachelor party when he meets someone he can stay with for longer then five minutes.

Monica: Chandler, you can have your party tomorrow.

Chandler: Oh, oh, a sympathy party.

Monica: What? (Getting angry) Chandler I thought you were happy to stay here with Caitlin.

Chandler: I was, but after playing guess the number of hairs on Joey's head 12 TIMES I kinda changed my mind.

(Monica seems really unsure with how to deal with this sudden change in her fiancée. Eddie steps forward.)

Eddie: Hey, man, leave it. You're tired.

Chandler: (Facing Eddie) No, I'm not.

(Eddie steps back.)

Monica: Have you been drinking?

Chandler: No, I'm as sober as you aren't. Which again I find a little unfair.

(Monica has had enough.)

Monica: OH MY GOD! I don't believe this. Could you be anymore selfish?

Chandler: (Defensively) I could try.

(He frowns at what he said. Monica walks up to him till she is in his face.)

Monica: Did you really go through that "Boring Mature Chandler" stage to become "Boring Immature Jerk"? I ask you to do one thing for me which I would easily do in return for you and you treat me like this.

(Chandler goes to answer, but Monica storms off to their room. Within seconds a pillow and blanket fly out of the room and the door slams shut.)

(Behind Chandler's back, Eddie and Joey make their way silently out of the apartment.)

Chandler: (Turning; loudly) I am not....

(He notices that no one is there.)

Chandler: (Silently) Boring.

Title card: To be Continued....

(Music in the background is Lit "My Own Worst Enemy". Roll the credits as we watch Chandler pick up his quilt and cushion and lay on the couch. After a while he gets up and walks out of the apartment, completely ashamed with himself. We continue to roll the credits as the background fades to black.)

END

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